Month: August 2011

Warrior of Email Battles

I have no clue how would I have fared if I was born in those times when Pandavas and Kauravas were dueling it out. I am not known for my prowess with physical sports but I would have made a very good archer. I think. I like those games of skills. Like dart boards, pool tables etc. I tend to believe that I am good at em!

There is another skill that I excel at. Really. Those volleys of emails that fly between offices, cities, people and times. Someone sends an email. You reply with your comments added inline. They reply with their comments in red. You get creative. Choose canary yellow as your color. They add smilies. You attach objects. They make presentations. You point to hyperlinks. They include a few colleague in the discussion. You are as relentless. You add your entire address boss. And some more stragers. Just for the heck of it. They cant be left behind. They add their address book and their relatives. And before you know it, you have lost the battle because the entire world with access to emails has been added on the list.

And this is just one of those things that you will nod your head to and have experienced while working. There is something about email that makes it exciting and scary at the same time. I mean most exciting things, by the very definition, have that element of fear built in. But nothing comes close to email. For starters, email is permanent. Any email that you send out ever is sort of etched into the rock and can and will be retrieved at a later date. I know people who have spent 30 years in corporate life and they have terabytes of emails that they have sent out over the years. I dont know what computer would they hook on that drive to when they need to find something. But, its their battle.

Second thing about email is that you can choose to ignore it. You may say that the email never reached me. You may argue that it got lost in those murky waters of email filters and spam guards. You may say that the content did not get past your corporate email policy. Or maybe aliens took over your mailbox and deleted all items that were unread or something. The point is that you can leave the other party guessing all the time, if their email reached you or not. Its like playing battleship! You keep guessing.

Third thing about email is that its official. There is nothing off the record. You cant really bitch about colleagues, clients, government, Anna Hazare, BJP etc. And this is the best bit. Nothing is personal. Everything you send, it is not really personal. Most of it is attributed to your employer. all liability, is thus your employers. Dont we all love when we fuck up and someone else is blamed? And all that is left and expected out of you, is to shrug your shoulder and say, “I did this in the line of the duty” or something? There are some hilarious emails that I have exchanged in the past that I wish I could publish here. The blog would reach the Internet Hall of Fame in one hour. Lemme know if you want to see some glimpses of brilliance in email etiquette!

Finally, and this is why I love the email most, it saves me from those face to face meetings that more often than not, turn nasty and tend to stretch till infinity. In a real meeting, every individual tries to prove their worth by harping about things that are inane to be honest. Everyone is vying for their 15 seconds. Everyone merely wants to prove their worth. And obviously these meetings glug away time as if it came with a never ending supply. With email, I am assured that I can be at a beach and yet pretend to be drowning into all the work that no one but I can do.

You know, if I had time, I could have went on and on about the merits and demerits of these email battles but then I need to go send out a few emails that need urgent attention. After all I am paid to be an email jockey. I am just wiating for the time when they make email-dueiling an Olympic sport. I can guaran-damn-tee a Gold for India.



Last post of the month and of P 0811, dedicated to Nefertiti. The latest (and the only other reader apart from me) reader of my blog. Thanks for reading.

Secret Dairy of a Corporate Bitch

I was contemplating putting in my papers. Unlike most people I know, I am the kinds without a plan. Like Joker once famously said, “Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just… do things. The mob has plans, the cops have plans, Gordon’s got plans …” Nah, I am nowhere close to the brilliance in thought that Joker represented but I like the whole thing about me not having a plan. At almost 29, not having a plan sounds like sacrilege of modern society and I do face the music at times. But then, I cant help it, can I? Neither could Joker. He just did things. I do things. Not working felt like the thing to do and I am doing it. I am doing not working. Whatever.

Anyways the post is not to whine about it. The post is about a question that has been bugging me for a couple of days now. Since I dont have no motivation to work, I am wasting time, energy, electricity, Internet, water etc. I ought to rather go somewhere else. For someone like me, someone who has no suicidal tendencies, home should be a the next obvious choice. But home bores me. I am tired of staring at the walls that I now intimately. I am bored of things that they show on TV. Even Cartoon Network is not funny anymore. I just cant go home. So if not an office desk and not my room, what else? The third place? That all coffee retailers in the world claim to own? Nah. I dont like coffee. I dont even like the ambiance. I want to goto a place where I could be comfortable. I could be myself. Where I can be silent. Or I may yell at top of my voice. Without being judged. Or be scared.

So where could I go? I could go see a movie by myself. But am I the kinds who likes to be a dark hall by myself surrounded by almost adult kids coochi-cooing? No thank you. I could ask a friend for a lunch or something but then I dont think there is a single individual in whole of corporate India who has this utter disregard for rules as I have. Taking an unannounced leave on a Tuesday for my friends is actually a thing that they could make a folklore out of. One fine day when they would have become CEOs, they would speak with pride that, on a warm August Tuesday, this friend (read I) asked them out for lunch and they took an announced leave for the rest of the day. The jaws of audience would drop as if all the gravity is concentrated on their jaws and they would come out praising the CEO as if he just saved the entire human race from extinction.

What other options do I have? I can drive around the city. May be go see the Ramlila Maidan where Anna sat for 12 days. Or go see the book fair at Pragati Maidan? Or may be just go home and catch on some sleep? I think I shall let a toss of coin decide the fate. But wait, I have three options and the coin usually comes with mere two faces. Reminds me yet another gem by Joker, “You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push“.

Fiction! Part of P 0811. Other posts here.

0811 to 0911

There are two agendas today. One is to do a recap of P0811. The other is to put in place goals for P0911.

When I announced 0811, I had 4 things that I wanted to do. Write a post a day, travel, stop eating out and the secret project. I did try writing a post a day. Ended up skipping almost half the month. But then am glad for the other half of the month where I churned out a lot of gibberish. Someday these would start making sense to me. But till then, I am glad that I could churn out those posts. I did manage quite a bit of travel this month. Dopplr tells me that I was away from Delhi for almost ten days. Not bad. I hope September is as much travel. May be more. I am in Goa for DesignYatra between 7th and 11th. Anyone wants to catchup? I did eat out less. And I did not even start work on the Secret Project. All in all a very mediocre month, to say the least. Hopefully, September is better.

Coming to September, like I promised at the beginning of August 2011, the things I would do in a month, September is almost here and its time to announce the Project 0911. Here are the things on agenda.

  • Continue the post a day bit. I tried it all of August and I had a lot of enthusiasm towards the beginning. And then as the days past by, I sort of lost interest. I know that I am a bad finisher. With these monthly projects, I am trying to change things that I need to change about myself. From September, I need to ensure that I post each day. And I know that I am traveling but I will post. Even if its unformatted or untagged.
  • Rework on the secret project from the month of August. To jog the memory, here it is. Jevgr n obbx ol raq bs guvf zbagu. Gbbx vafcvengvba sebz uggc://jjj.anabjevzb.bet/ naq znxr Nhthfg zl Abiry Jevgvat Zbagu. Gb or ubarfg, ba qnl 1, V qbag ernyyl unir n fpevcg be n cyna. Ohg V jvyy jevgr n 50, 000 jbeqf. Naq yvxr Zngg (Phggf, bs gur Tbbtyr snzr), fnlf, qb rirelguvat va fznyy fgrcf naq V jvyy jevgr 1650 jbeqf rirelqnl. Hint: Rot13.

And thats about it for the time being! I shall add more things as and when I can think of. Godspeed to me!

Blues – Delhi – Connaught Place

Dear Manager at Blues,

Yesterday, some friends and I decided to party and decided to come to Blues. Yours is one of those famous places that serves overcharged alcohol and undercooked food by calling your outlet a pub. For the record, I dont booze. But I dont mind going to these dark caves and hearing loud music.

So I walked to your concierge and asked for a place for 4. And he told me, on my face that, stags weren’t allowed. I promptly told him that my friends were running a bit late and would join in. The manager asked me, “do you have any girls?“. I could have slapped him for being rude and using a language like that but then you had those goons (aka bouncers) manning the doors. I told the dude that yes there are men and women in my group and they shall be here any moment. The dude told me “wapas jao. come back when you have girls“. Again, a moment flashed by when I saw myself slapping him. And by the way I was your place on Wednesday and no one even bothered to ask me what business I had there.

Of course you guys are a private place where you invite public and have reserved the right to admission and can deny anyone at your whims. But it would be courteous if you could give a sane explanation and your goons could talk properly.

By the way, you arent the first place to have denied me an entry. Discrimination is universal. I know that the way I look sucks. I know that I refuse to wear shoes and trim my beard. I know that your other patrons are scared to death because of the way I look. I know that they think I might just flip out a semi automatic and spray them with bullets. But let me assure you none of that is true. I am as educated as your average patron is. I can spend money. I know how to behave in a public place. I know my limits and I very rarely cross them. And when I do, its not at a public place. Especially not yours.

If ever I own a place, I would ensure that I am courteous to patrons.

Let the ambiance of the place and the kind of people you attract dissuade uninvited guests from coming in. For example, you may play rock music and it would ensure that Hindi pop lovers like me would not come in. Case in point, Hard Rock Cafe. They are brilliant and awesome. But I never enjoy going there as rock and beer is not my poison. I refuse all invitations, even when my friends are playing there. I know that I would get bored at a place like HRC.

Anyways whats done is done. I am now sitting in my comfortable office, sipping onto a Gatorade and thinking of some place to go tonight. Can you recommend some place that will not deny me entry? Not Blues please. It sucks. You know what I mean?

Next time I pass by your place and sneer at you or your staff, please know that its me.

Have a good business and life.

Regards,

Almost a patron

P.S.: I hate that I cant do shit about things, because I am NOT Anna Hazare. And I refuse to go the Hazare way. All I can do is, not give my business to you guys ans ensure that when someone asks me for a recommendation, I turn you guys down.

So Long, Mr Jobs.



My favorite businessman, shocked the world yet again. He announced his retirement. At a time when no one was expecting it. Of course he has been suffering from some disesase for a long time but no one expecte him to step down. Its truly an end of an era. Steve Jobs would be missed. Goodbye Mr. Jobs. And thank you.

Steve Jobs was the helm when all those iThings were thought about and created. His personality had such a huge impact on the products that it is hard to miss. He made things simpler, intuitive and cleaner. Ofcourse he has his set of limitations but Steve Jobs’ net contribution to the human race is very very positive. And no wonder, he is yet one of those people who I would have loved to spend time with. He could have taugh me so much.

Thank You once again Steve (and your enviable team at Apple Computers) for bringing so many cool products to life. You guys showed us how to push limits and yet crave for more.

And in the end, a line that Steve Jobs made famous with his landmark commencement address, Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.

A Phrase a Week

I subscribe to quite a few newsletters (apart from RSS feeds of a lot of blogs and websites). One of those is called a Phrase A Week by Phrases.org. Its an interesting enough letter than tells me about phrases that I used all the time without really knowing what they stood for. I recommend you subscribe to the letter.

Anyways, the point is that I shall convert each phrase that send my way (each week) into a short story (yes I am an aspiring short story writer, amongst all those other aspiring ???ers) and then post them here (or on sandbox).

Often, I crib that I dont have a plot and I dont know what to write about. Of course its a lame excuse that I give to myself to skip work. But then, things have to change. A Phrase a Week is a simple enough solution and is perfect for my needs. Each story can end with a phrase, or drive home the point about it or something. Lets see, how I do it.

One phrase a week and one short story a week. Let me allow someone else to control what I write about. Lets call this project, Project WSD. Project Wo Saat Din.

The compulsion to drink

As I move higher up in life, I have to meet more people and with them, goto parties. Though I avoid social places and am content with meeting rooms but there are times when I have to go out. The days when I had coke, I could get away by ordering a tall glass with coke and ice. I could sip onto ice cube the entire evening. From my vantage point of being sober, I could see people act funny, drop on the floor, hurl abuses at each other and generally make merry. I couldn’t really relate to any of the fervor that surrounded them.

But like all things, life moved on and I reached a point where I had to stop drinking coke. And once that happened, I had no partner at all those all night binges. I tried my hands at ginger ale and red bull and juices but nothing seems to be working. Not that I mind but in the end up having that one off breezer. Right now, its at one breezer a week. And I know that before I know it would go upto two. And then once a while I’ll have a Baileys irish. And then suddenly I would want to try all the brands that I admire. Read absolut, JD, Johnnie Walker etc. And like other natural progressions, I would end up being an alcoholic.

Being an alcoholic is not that bad come to think of it. There are a few dark sides but then what’s the use of being all good. I mean what’s the worst that can happen? I may find it hard to walk, it could be difficult to retain senses, I would not know what to say to whom (not that I know it when am sober), may be I would get those funny pics clicked and upload on facebook etc. If you at it from where all drunkards do, its actually not that bad. You’d be called the most happening dude, the dude who knows how to enjoy life to the fullest etc.

Compare it from where I stand, the most boring man to have ever walked the face of the planet, I think, if the transition happens, I’d be stark.

Tags: #phlogging #alcohol #coke #mobile

This is day 26 in a series of 31 daily blogposts. Other posts are here.

Love The Way You Lie

I am posting a song after ages. Have always been an Eminem fan and have wanted to be able to rap. I cant. But I can do one thing. Appreciate talent and do my bit of things-fan-do. Like posting the lyrics!

This track is called Love The Way You Lie. Copied lyrics from here.

And on second thoughts, I shall not post lyrics now, unless I have written them down. No point copying someone else’s mehnat. Go see the vid. Or may be click on the link to read.

Aug 21: Taming of the shrew

“What are you saying? You dont know about Taming of the Shrew? And you tell me that you read? You should be ashamed of yourself!” said she, when I told her that I did not know who the Shrew was. Little did she realized that I was not interested in any Shrew or its taming or mating or watever. I was merely interested in striking a conversation with her, hoping to get her to agree to come out with me for a drive, dinner, coffee or movie. In that order. Drive is my thing. I am at my best, when I am driving. If I could, I would have became a driver.

“I dont! There is so much literature out there and its tough to read all of that, especially if you started reading at 25.” I replied. “So why dont you tell me about it?” I threw in a bait.

“There’s nothing to tell you dude. Its a simple enough story, told well. If I were you, I would have read it before I spoke to me.” She snapped back. And although this was on sms, I could feel the irritation in her tone. I am good at this. Putting a tonality and emotion on a mere text message.

“And why is that?” I was trying my luck by asking a useless and a prodding question, to a woman who was anyways pissed off with me! I told myself if I got a reply, I would be a notch closer to that drive. I was mentally preparing a step ahead and thinking of possible places to take her. She lived in Noida and that meant just a handful of places where you could go.

“You are persistent. Arent you?”, she finally replied after an eternity. I checked the time and it was mere eight minutes since I had asked her. For someone like her and I, sms was as synchronous and immediate as a face to face conversation is. I had lost all hopes and was about to send another text when I got the reply.

“And you always dodge questions. Dont you?” Now I knew I was in the game. I tried pushing my luck further and sent a neg her way.

“Lol. What did I dodge? To invite this acquisition?” she replied. I had to be quick on my feet. And I have had enough of BS. This time, something snapped in my head and told me to be straightforward.

“The one about the shrew to start with. And then there were more that you dodged.” It does help when you can type fast on a phone. It must have taken me all of 4 nanoseconds to read her reply, process it in my head, type that answer and hit send. Love the way technology is making lives simpler (and hate the way its making relationships more effervescent).

“Ah that one. You should read taming … because I tend to believe that I am the modern day avatar of the shrew. And it would be mightily tough for a man to even tolerate me.” Wow! I could not believe that she was opening up. Was she throwing a bait at me? I decided to make her wait. Why did I do that? I dont know. It just looked natural to me.

“You’ve given up already? Have you?”, she asked. I was asleep when I got that text. I have a very light sleep and any messages, calls wake me up. Not that I dint plan to reply to her message, I just dozed off. And now that she was inviting me, I had to do something about it.

“Lol no. I just started reading the Taming … and to be honest its a really boring piece of text. I wonder how could he write so heavy language. Please yaar, summary batao. It would help speed up things ;)”. I said. I was told that you need to make conversation and always end a line with a question mark. Human instincts, they come in play more often that we realize. You end something with a question and more often than not, people would respond. And it is surprising that even simple obvious things stated as questions tend to get things done faster than any other mode of motivation.

“Dude, its a very long story!” Pat came the reply. Of course she had to reply. I had asked her a question. I had no clue how to read this one. At least she did not say no. However, I knew that its either now or never.

“Since you say that its a long story, lets go for a drive. You will have all the time in the world to narrate the story and give me all the gyaan about shrews.”, I suggested. This was natural progression at play. I made the drive sound like an obvious thing to do. And I primed it so that the going-on-the-dive bit sounded like HER idea, rather than mine.

And then I dozed off again. And before I could get into the NREM-REM cycle, I heard my phone beep.

Inspired by a series of SMS conversations that I had once upon a time with a woman I thought I was going to live the rest of my life with. As you may have guessed, she is happily married with someone else and I have lost all contact with her. I have tried reading the Taming … numerous times since then and every time I loose the plot in just the first few lines. Truth be told, I still miss her. If not the lifepartner, she would have made an excellent friend. Someone I could count on.

And yes, I did go for that drive. And many more after that.

Started writing this on 21st Aug. Finished on 28th August. Part of Project 0811. Other posts are here.

Aug 21: Red Bull and The Wings

Red Bull is apparently supposed to give you wings. What the wings actually do to you is open to interpretation. But to me Red Bull gives me that kick that coffee, tea or other such things induce onto other humans. It makes me sharp and allows me to concentrate on things.

My tryst with Red Bull started at MDI when they agreed to sponsor our fest, Imperium and sent a cool Red Bull car, a couple of VERY cute women with tiny skirts and bags full of icy cold Red Bull. And since I was part of the organizing committee, I got all the access to the vehicle that I wanted. It tasted like cough syrup. And the fact that I loved the taste of a cough syrup dint help. I was hooked! I loved everything about the product. The taste. The feel of holding a cool silver and blue can in your hand when everyone else around you was struggling with PET bottles, the long swag you took and relished the taste when you rolled the liquid in your mouth, the little marketing they did and everything else around it.



In the following years, throughout my struggle with Coke addition (thankfully I stopped drinking coke this year), I continued to flip to Red Bull and kept returning to coke. Now that I dont drink coke, I rely on Red Bull more and more. To the extent that one drink, refuses to give me any kicks. Its like water to me. So what do I do now? I drink two! Together. In fact, because of the nature of my work, I, at times have to work long hours, I need something more than mere food. Also, I have very light sleep, get knighmares (yesterday I saw a kid flying over me and trying to snatch my blanket. I did wake up but I wasn’t screaming or sweating. More on this later) and hardly sleep about 4 hours a day, my muscles need rest. I think Red Bull does that. Gives me that extra that I need to keep going.

And before the mother/father in you, the reader, Mr. Sob, kicks in, ya ya, I know. Red Bull is probably more harmful that Coke and I need to save money as well but till the time I find another alternative for my drinking needs, I shall keep calm and carry on. Hello @sgMS. Remember Keep Calm?

This is day 21 in a series of 31 daily blogposts. Other posts are here. I have missed updates for days 19 and 20. I shall post few more today but that does not mean that I compensated for the loss. Again, more on this later!

Aug 18: The Twitterati. 10 steps that can help you become one.

So there are few people who use twitter that well that they are now called the twitter celebrities. Or twitterati for short. They are as ubiquitous as Amitabh Bachchans of the world. In fact a time is not far when these twitteratis would actually start appearing in those soaps and give Ekta Kapoor and Colors a run for their money. And like all other kind of celebrities, these guys leave an indelible mark on the fabric of the society we live in.

I was so impressed by their mere existence that I thought I need to give them more time and attention. I in fact spent some time running an analysis and figuring out what separates an average twitter use and a twitterati. Of course since my “study” was conducted over twitter users in India, these may not be applicable to everyone. But I think the underlying principles shall remain the same.

Here are few rules that I put together in a hurry, which may help you realize your lifelong dream of becoming a twitterati.

  • Drop the words Anna and fast in the same tweet and you have taken the first step towards becoming famous.
  • Step two is even simpler. Pick on a famous personality and post a provocative comment. May be against Anna only. Dont know how to come up with an original rant? Search twitter for it! And once you have posted that comment, dont budge. You need to ensure that debate follows and the world is divided into two kinds of people. One, who are with you and the other, who arent.
  • Third, though, this is tough, but knowing a celeb would help. He could be your neighbors’ best friend’s classmate’s distant cousin, but hey there is a connection. Anyways everyone is connected to everyone else by just 6 hops. Or may be 5 or 4 as enabled by the Internet. So in theory, Amitabh Bachchan knows me. So does Kofi Annan. And Sachin Tendulkar. And Anna. And his fast. Ofcourse I know them as well. And you ;P (Note to readers: See, how easily I dropped the two keywords here).
  • Fourth. Proclaim the greatness of new media and effectiveness of the online medium over the traditional media. Look at the way twitter has helped Anna talk about his cause. Take a potshot at leading media outlets as if they have defamed the country by their mere existence. And yet at every opportunity to suck up a reporter, of even a Punjab Kesari or a Times of India, thou shalt bend over and invite em! I call this backrub algorithm. You rub mine, I rub yours. Goes a long way. Trust me.
  • Tweet to Anna and all the bollywood and cricket celebrities once every hour, as if they owe you money and you are chuddi buddies since your mothers were pregnant. Irrespective of if they reply or even bother. After all success is 1% genius and 99% perspiration.
  • Retweet every inane request that you get from other aspiring twitterati (remember the backrub?). These retweets could be jokes, blood donation requests, classifieds, gathering of support for Anna or whatever. Of course at first if people dont, you send them direct messages and then keep sending till the time the phone runs out of memory or money.
  • Download a good collection of double meaning jokes and comments. And use a bot to post a joke once every 15 minutes. This will help you remain on top and despite the fact people find your comments awful, they would not have a choice but to take note. Of course the double meaning bits would sound offensive to some communities and people but then its a democracy that we live in. You have the right to freedom of speech. Look at Anna. And look at the way I have dropped his name, yet again in the post.
  • Yet another sure shot way is to take up a cause. Like stand up for Anna. Every tweet that you post could have a reference to the great mother of the nation (I mean we have one undisputed father in MKG. I think Anna and Mumma have a nice ring to it.
  • Use hashtags. #evenIfTheySoundStupid. #evenIfTheyAreUseless. #popular #great #iAmAnna #BharatMeriJaan #annaIsSexy so on and so forth. More hashtags you use, better it is for you.

This is about it. I am not sure if these are 10. I used the number in the post because it helps with the search engine rankings. May you want to use this hat-tip! Of course I aspire to be one. I am on @altsaurabh. Please retweet this blog, follow me, ask your friends to follow me and make me one. If you dont, I promise I would go sit on a fast. Will call it sobpal.

Thanks,

@altSaurabh

This is day 18 in a series of 31 daily blogposts. Other posts are here.

I could have called this post as 10 ways of putting Anna Hazare’s name in a blog post, without letting people know. But then I thought the readers of my blog (the sole reader) is intelligent enough to guess that! Time for a question. Did you?