Its been some days that I have written. Not 1000 words on this blog. Not 3000 words for tnks. Not 5000 for immortality. Not. A. Single. Word.
And on last count, before this piece, its been seventeen days, (one seven , 17) since 922 that I’ve written. 922 is important because after 922, its 100 days to the end of the year and I paced tnks to end in 100 days.
Out of 25 days since 922, when I started tracking my progress, I have not written for 17 days. Well done Mr. Garg.
This time, I dont want to blame anyone for my laziness. Like all the other times, I can pile it on people, friends, family, health, etc. But I know I’d not be truthful about it. I know the ones who want to write, will write even if they are in a battlefield and their writing arm has been cleaved off their body. People even work two jobs and then write with whatever time is available to them. Remember Hugh’s sex and cash theory?
Time and again I have realized that I want to be a writer. And time and again I have realized that I lack the discipline to be one. But then, if I cant be disciplined enough to chase my biggest interest, biggest passion, making my fingers dance on the keyboards, what good am I to talk of grandiose plans to make a dent?
I am actually on leave from regular employment while I try to find my footing as a writer. And as a writer, my biggest responsibility towards myself (and no one else) is to actually write. Even if its a small silly piece, I have to write. Even at the face of rejections, I need to keep sending those letters to publishers and editors. Even if I dont have any fans patrons, I must not lose hope.
That thing they say? The one about baby steps? I need to take those. And keep taking those even when I stumble and fall down. Wait, I cant stumble or fall down. I am not taking any steps in the first place!
I know about my laziness and I know that I have issues on finishing things. With tnks, I am determined that I would finish it. I have made promises in the past and yet I have not done anything about those. I have tried to hire someone to manage me and yet I have been unsuccessful at it. I even put a nice calendar on my writing table. I even told someone to collect 1000 bucks from me for everyday that I dont write. And despite all the emotional, financial, mental penalties, I have not been able to deliver. May be I can not. May be I need to quit? May be. But then, not before Nidhi Kapoor is out in the market. Even if I have to self publish it.
I have read about artiste that were lazy and were masters of procrastination and yet they ended up doing ok in life. Can I, with all the baggage that I carry on my shoulders, end up like those? When I look back at this blog some years from now, will I be able to laugh it away? I dont know. Maybe I will. Maybe I wont.
But for the time being, I am depressed. Very very depressed. I think I can relate to all those have beens and almost theres. We all know that there is some spark and we all know that we have potential. Just that we fail to use it to ignite large fires.
And the worst part, I dont even have alcohol to fall back on. What alternatives do I have? This Calvin strip is very close to how I feel.
