Note: This is the second time when I am considering my morality. Last time, it was a Hernia. This time, I dont know yet – I still need to see a doc. May be by EOD today. Or tomorrow first thing.
So, something happened and I am worried that I am dying. Of course with each passing day I am walking a step toward to my death, but in the normal course of things, its not happening anytime soon. I think I have another 50 years or so, if all goes well. And if they find a solution to the ageing problem, who knows. What I meant by ‘I am dying’ is that I may have a disease that could expedite the process and I may not have those 50 years. Far less. Something like less than a year.
A week back I thought I was going to die. Despite my known aversion for doctors and hospitals, I went and went through the process. At the end of which the doc has still not been able to find out what caused it and if there would be a reoccurrence. But they’ve given me a clean chit of health.
While I am relieved, there were a few days when I thought my time has come. And all sort of thoughts clouded my head – good and bad. Motivating and depressing. There were questions on the reason of our existence. The future. The life after death. The non-stop wheel of life. The tick-tock. And…
Anyhow. The thing is I realised that the suspense hurts more than the actual outcome. Probably, the actual outcome hurts more. I wont know till I go. But if I knew, I could prepare for things. I could move on. Actually, come to think of it, this is a good time to plan for it.
So, hypothetically, assuming I have less than a year, what would I do? Here is a list, in no particular order.
- Spend as much time with my family as possible. Of course you cant be just at home and while away time. I will have to find a vocation, some work that fills in large part of the time. What it essentially means is that I will not waste time in commute, long meetings and all such things.
- Try and make as much money as I can so that my family has it comfortable once I am gone. Of course not do things that make random people chase them.
- Say sorry to everyone who I my’ve rubbed the wrong way. While I try to not do it in the first place, I am sure there are people who’d have a bone to pick with me. I will fix those relationships.
- Work on my fitness. Well, funny as it may sound but till the last minute I dont want to be supported. This is the scariest and sorriest image I’ve ever seen (alert: open at your own risk).
- Write more. You could write all you want and it will always be less. I dont know why I love to write. I dont really have anything great to give back in terms of what I write. My writing style is super simple. What I write is not deep. My grammar is anyway limited. So, why write? I dont know. But I have to. May be, do it for the sake of doing it. Its about time I start working on it. Today.
- Clean my tracks. I am not sure how to go about doing this but I mean when I am gone, I dont want someone else to sort through my books, my drawers, my almirahs, my phone, my email and other “my” things and go through the agony and pain. May be this is why minimalism is such a revered way of life!
A. I am little more on track – I still dont know what I want from life but I think I enjoy life on a day to day basis (including work, personal relationships, family etc). I have some savings. I have a vague plan. I have people who are helping me put those plan in motion. I have identified my purpose in life (which is to help others achieve their purpose – lol but I am serious). I have started taking some action. Brings me to the next point.
B. This time there is action. Unlike all my life where I have just planned, I am actually doing things. Rajesh is in a large part responsible for this. Agony aunt is for the other large part. sgMS remains a motivation. The point is, now there is action, I dont want to stop. I can not die without achieving what I am destined to. And if I do die before that, it would be a shame. On me and on Universe.
C. I believe I am more ready to give back. To impact. To pay it forward. Something that I have largely believed to be my life goal, my life purpose (read A as well). And now that I am so close to it, it would be a shame to go without doing it.
So yeah. This is it. Apologies for a not-so-happy post to start the day and the week. But its something that sooner we confront, better it is.
And in case you want to help me, point me to things that help me do A, B or C faster. Or better.
Thanks!
P.S.: I sincerely dont know if I am dying or if this is a mere hyperbole, I do believe that life is short.
P.P.S.: Why a blog? Because I dont know how else to confront it. I am too weak to talk about this seriously to someone I know. Does this tell me something about myself? May be.
P.P.P.S.: There are more times when I’ve thought of dying. While flying, while thinking about sgMS (I dont want to die ever when am with her). When Steve Jobs died. And lately I’ve been reading books by people who knew who were dying and they wrote memoirs – Paul Kalanithi, Randy Pausch, Eugene O Kelly. In fact last night I saw this video where it echoes my feelings about love. The point is, it is such a powerful thing that you realise the insignificance of it all. Everything that bothers you, has bothered you is of no freaking consequence!