So, last few days have been disturbing (to say the least). Hundreds of women have came forward with their stories of how they were, have been and continue to get troubled harassed at their work places, homes, schools and other places by men both known and unknown to them. And before this “wave” of coming out, these troubled women did not talk about the gross injustice served to them. Because of reasons ranging from fear of retaliation to social stigma to plain old un-awareness! Worse no one around them (including colleagues, families or friends) told them to speak up!
I know this sounds like a very bleak description of the world we live in.
And you know what? Its fucking true.
The world sucks and we need to do a lot of work before it becomes inhabitable again. I mean there are people trying to give us a plan B and there are people trying to inspire us to do better by their thoughts, words and actions. And then there are people that just get perverse pleasure from objectifying fellow humans. These people misuse abuse their power, their position so blatantly and so much that they leave permanent scars.
And to what end? For what? For that momentary rush of chemicals in their heads?
The ones that are uneducated, I understand. They give into their evolutionary instincts and do things that you ought not. I can excuse them. Probably counsel them and give them better values so that they dont repeat.
But the ones that are more evolved, “educated”, the ones that create (creative folks, musicians, writers, directors and all that), I refuse to understand what makes them the predators that they’ve been?
To make things worse, on the long list of offenders are acquaintances, friends, gurus and mentors. And people that I look upto, people that I aspire to become, strangers that I wanted to be friends with and so on and so forth. There are people who I’ve dined with. There are people that I have invited home and have put them in the same room as my family. There are business partners and I have trusted my fortunes to them.
And all these people, “my” people are interesting and amazing and cool and inspiring and all that. I would often mimic them. I would do whatever it takes to be them. I would chase them to meet me and give me darshan and I hoped like hell that I get to work with them. These were as Jack Kerouac say, the mad ones that I would chase and want to be friends with and all that.
I would be lying if I said I did not know that they liked attention and they indulged in various sins. I may have had an inkling that they are predators but I did not question them. Or question their intents. Or anything of that sort.
I am guilty of adulating them for the work they do and the talent they have and not questioning their personality, their values. I’ve always had the thing for geniuses even if they dont necessarily follow the best methods. You know those high-performing assholes? Or maybe you’d know of that “good job” scene from Whiplash? I need to get away from them! Reminds me of what Gary V often says – he would make the most impact and he would be nicest about it!
Coming back, like good Samaritans, most people that that have been named have tendered “unconditional apologies” and have agreed to face whatever consequences that world has to throw at them. But then would an apology heal the stigma that these people had to live with for so long? How can you objectify someone and then say sorry? Can I chop off your arm and then say sorry? And, are you even sorry in your head? Will you not make the mistake again?
I wanted to chat up with these people. I asked the ones that I know. I confronted them. The ones that I cared for. One of them accepted his mistakes and has agreed to fix things. The other was unapologetic about it, without any remorse or guilt and said he dint care and was ok with whatever is happening. I mean how the fuck are you ok?
Fuck am seething with anger and I have no words. I hate this.
For someone who claims to be an author, I am at loss of words. I mean I dont even know what to write and how to write. This has taken me more than 3 5 days to compile, process and put on paper. There is so much that I want to say and do. May be this is the reason I havent slept well in the last few days. Ok, may be not. I am not sure.
No I was not unaware of the misuse of power by men in position. I could see it happening around me and I ignored it conveniently. I think I was in the zone that it doesnt affect me and thus it doesnt concern me. And I know that I couldnt probably stop it from happening, I couldve pointed out. If nothing else it would probably have lent support! But I did not. And I am so sorry. Really am. Damn I dont even know who I am apologising to. And what good would this apology do?
May be I need to apologise to those around me, that I care for, that are getting affected? Case in point? This young girl that works with me, day before few days ago I was dinnering with her and she told me how she was molested by her neighbour when she was 9. Back then she couldnt do anything, she was after all a kid and did not know what was happening to her. But when recently when one of her friends tried to force himself on her, she chose to not speak up. Why? Because she was in a group and she did not want to create a scene!
I mean really? Not create a scene? Why not? Is your safety more important than societal pressure?
Oh and this one is one of the bravest women I know! If this one couldnt speak up, I am sure that all the ones that are not as strong as her would never come out and like meek sheep let the perps do whatever they want to!
I am glad that this is happening. Men are being outed. Women are getting the strength that they should’ve had to start with. I know that centuries of patriarchy and the society we live in has made it tough impossible for them to be bold. I am glad its changing. I think to give strength to these women, a thing like #metoo was required.
This is probably how the flood gates opened up after that one expose – it gave courage to other women who did not speak up all this while.
Thank you to everyone for standing up and reporting. Really.
I am wondering if I had spoken up when I saw injustice happening, raised my voice against it and encouraged all my colleagues, friends and acquaintances to voice their opinions, may be the world would be a tad better place to live in. At least this junior of mine would’ve spoken out when she was in the spot!
May be she would’ve. May be she wouldn’t have. I dont know.
But I cant merely walk away from the fact that I feel responsible for this. And I dont know how to help. Myself. And others.
In fact since the first icon fell, I have been reflecting on my behaviour as a man.
I asked myself if I have acted in a way, behaved in way that I wouldn’t want others to behave with my sister, my girlfriend, my family. I reflected on what I speak, how I speak, who do I speak to. I thought about my pet jokes and ongoing conversations with women and I tried to evaluate if I were out of line at any point in time. I even asked a couple of women that I could confide in. I spoke to them — one at my workplace and one person that I work with on a project — and thankfully both of them ratified that what I do is well within boundaries.
Having said that, if you are reading this and if my behaviour has made you uncomfortable, EVER, please know that it was inadvertent and I did not mean to hurt you or put you on a spot. I’d never hurt anyone. I’d never do that. But if I have, PLEASE PLEASE DO POINT OUT THE INCIDENT TO ME (or to the world if you have to) SO THAT I MAY FIX IT GOING FORWARD.
And while I was thinking about my past, it dawned onto me that I do enjoy the company of women and I love to flirt. Which is not a bad thing to be honest. But I also crack jokes that could be are insensitive and offensive. I need to fix this. And I will.
Plus I am often intrusive and take more than required interest in lives of others (men, women, friends, strangers et al). In fact this has been my hiring “tool” for the longest time (I want to work with people who dont want a salary but want to do make that dent). While the line of questioning is often tough, from what I know of myself, I have always been mindful of not hurting anyone! I am not sure that is this is something that I will change. If I am going to work with you, you better tell me of your deepest desires and greatest fears. And I WILL push you to become a better version of yourself. I WILL give you unsolicited advice. Even if I am a stranger. I am wired like that. And I will not change.
Oh, and this has also led to another rule that I will follow. It is as simple as, “if in doubt, dont”. So next time, while talking to anyone, if I think that the conversation would be unpleasant and harmful, I’d not get into it.
Also, I know I am not very vocal about my stand on various societal issues but this time on, I am going to take sides and take stands and get vocal. If it means investing time and energy and effort to learn more about the issue at hand.
PS: More than standing for women’s safety or equality, I am most pained when I see that we still lack education and commonsense. I want to work on that!
In the end, I have made a list of a few immediate action points. Here.
1. I will not work with anyone who is a known offender.
Even if it means letting go of great opportunities. I know that there are times when I have to overlook things (clients demand that we work with a certain vendor, supplier, companies etc). Not anymore. I will put the foot down and ensure that I do not work with known offenders.
While the world is a large large place and its often tough to vet out everyone that you can work with, I will try to work with people that have solid character!
2. I will support whoever wants any help. Personally and professionally.
I am not a trained counsellor but I do understand human emotions and actions and motivations. I would love to talk if you need to talk to someone. I am on saurabh.garg AT gmail.com.
Plus I am happy to pass on some work that may help you get away from a place where you are troubled.
3. At C4E, I will ensure that I put in place a zero tolerance policy towards misconduct towards women. In fact I will ensure that women lead this piece. More on this in subsequent posts. Here and on our work blog.
Thats about it.
I guess.
Nothing has left me as confused and as sorry about the state of affairs as expose of friends and mentors. I mean I have been jobless, homeless, directionless and a lot-of-things-less. And I have seen people die and things break and all that but nothing has affected me as much as this. One of my closest friend often calls me a stone cold brick of ice. And I thought I was. I also called high-functioning sociopath by a friend. And I was proud of it – after all the other high-functioning sociopath is Sherlock the Holmes!
But then I guess I am not. Things do affect me. Things do take a toll. Things need fixing. At least in my head to start with. And then in the world that we live in.
Bas. Enough of rant.
Over and out.
Oh, and I am sorry. Sincerely am.
Saurabh Garg
17 Oct 2018
In the end, as always, a few postscripts.
A. I wish I could do a lot more for the ones that are affected. But I am sincerely out of ideas and am exhausted by seeing what women have been through. I hate that I am an armchair activist. I hate that I am spineless and I cant do shit about it. I hate that I cant stand for anyone. I cant even offer them jobs or anything concrete that could help them get away from the misery. All I can do is cringe and crib and publish a fucking blog!
B. This incident has made me re-look at myself and my personality. So much so that I will probably have to bring in big changes in my life. I am not prepared for those to be honest but I will put in the effort.
However it would be sad if I end up becoming this cynical individual that puts up these walls around himself. It took me years to break the other walls that I had put myself and I dont know if I want to put more. If you know me, you would know of these walls.
C. All this anger and listlessness could also be fuelled by the fact that I dont have a house to live in and I am tired (yes I am tired) of living at different places on different nights. Not because its exhausting – I love the feeling of not having a base. But because I cant afford to stay at places that are clean and are accessible and all that. More on this later.