Soul searching 102

So, you see, I can crib. Crib for like ten hours. For ever if I have to. About how tough I am finding to find a naukri. I always thought that with my (almost) fancy degree, it would be a walk in the park, in any kind of economic environment, anywhere in the world. But now I realize how wrong was I. I have never been more wrong. So wrong that I am left in the lurch. Lurch may be too harsh. But I am definitely not happy. 

But like most experiences, this one has taught me a few things. Here is a list…

1. When you are falling, you fall like a hot knife through butter. You just go through everything between you and rockbottom. Its thin air and you fall fast. I went from extreme happiness and carelessness to bouts of anxiety in less than two weeks. All this when my first book is almost ready to hit the market. 

2. You are alone. And like Steve says, you’re naked. There may be God but he has his funny ways. I am not fond of him anyhow. Apart from you, no one else loses sleep over what you’re going through. They may want to, but they cant. Sleep is like that monster that makes everyone a slave. 

3. You are not anyone else’s priority. Everyone would want to help, commit to help but help would be half-measures. Not because they dont like you. Not because they dont want to help you. But because they have other priorities. And you’re second-fiddle at best. In fact I can put myself in others’ shoes. How often has someone asked for my help and how many times did I actually help em? not enough! You reap what you sow. So may be, going forward, will help as many people as I can.

4. Dont take things for granted. I have been a happy-go-lucky dude all my life. So much so when people around me were buying houses and cars and making millions of rupees in their cushy jobs, I would laugh it out loud. Now, for some reason, it has started to suck. The dwindling bank balance has started to bother. Not being able to pay for drinks and food when you step out, it sucks. Everyone, including friends and family, treating you like a liability is even worse. Again, its about you. You being alone. And all that.

5. The world around me is transactional. You give me something and I would give you something back. And everyone wants to emerge as a winner. On top. Nothing wrong with it. Darwin knew this long before any of us could even comprehend. Either you fight and you come on top. Or you slither away to obscurity.

6. If you are nobody, nobody wants to talk to you. Not friends, not neighbors, not strangers, not prospective dates. Not prospective employers. When I had a naukri, I would regularly get calls from everyone wanting to hire me. And since I’ve been in the job market, no one wants to hire me! Sigh!

So.. What else? I dont know. I mean I know but I am not going to talk about it here. May be on the secret blog. Or evernote.

Yeah. This is it. For the time being. Of course all these are first-world issues. Since I’ve been blesseed  Lets see how many of these sessions can I do before I either succumb to pressure. Or find a way out. Either way, this will stop. In the words of Chris, this part of my life, I call it “internship being fucked up in my head.”

Of course I chase happiness happyness all the time. But right now, this part, this part of being fucked up, sucks like hell. Need to find a way out. Soon.

Hope I dont forget these. Once I get a place of my own, this is something that I would pin to my board for sure.

P.S.: Here is Soul searching 101.