The first five days of 2020

Today is the fifth day of the year / decade / whatever you want to call 2020. And I know that these 5 days haven’t been the greatest of them all. I have been unwell since the 28th and today it’s the 8th day when I’ve had something or the other affecting me. Its nothing serious (I hope). Just some cold, cough, sore SORE SSOORREE throat, choked nose and general lethargy that the Bombay weather has brought upon us. Oh, I slept in the wrong position and my entire left side is hurting like a bitch. You know, when you are suffering how things compound? And on top of that the ones that I want to be loved by, they seem to have time for everyone but me. Guess its a phase and it will pass.

Thing is, as I kid I would rarely fall sick and in the last 3-4 months, I have caught something or the other, including Dengue. I did what I’ve never done – taken meds, of allopathic, homeopathic and ayurvedic kinds. I even took meds to help me sleep better at night.

No, it is not work-related. It is not the best time but I’ve seen such times in the past. And when I am on my bed, I do NOT think about work. So that can’t be the reason.

No, it is not about motivation. As I write this, its 7:36 AM on a Sunday, and I am at a Starbucks. If it were motivation, I would be curled up in my bed.

No, it is not food. I’ve never eaten healthy, except the times when I was on Keto. I eat whatever is the right combination of money, time and convenience. Food has been like that for me. Maybe I need to change that? May be.

No, it’s not the new place. I mean the new locality I am living at is a lot more noisy, dusty, disorganized, messy and all that compared to the older one. But I think I sleep well. I even get some dreams – just that I don’t remember them anymore.

No, it’s not about relationships. Most of mine are functional. And like food, convenience-based. I don’t want anyone to do anything for me that makes them go out of their way. I have trained myself to learn that relationships are superficial for most people – they just don’t acknowledge it. Yes, this is a controversial and unpopular opinion but that’s how it is.

No, it’s not about me being careless. I am wearing enough clothes to cover myself. Like I am inside a store and wearing a warm jacket – the kinds I would not wear even in Delhi! I am even taken meds as I said earlier.

Yes, it’s troubling me enough that it has made it to my blog!

And I guess this is what growing old is? Unexplained illness, visible frailty, irritable mood and all that. No, I don’t like this. No, I did not sign up for this.

I think that’s about it. I hope I get well soon. I hate it when I am like this. I become a non-functional human being and a jackass to be around when I am unwell.

Pray for me.

And 2020, please get your act together. I have high hopes from you!