713. Necks hurting. I need to stop using the pillows. There’s some soreness in my back. This could either be all the sitting I do throughout the day or may be because I’ve just woken up. The eyes are tad blurry – I am yet to wash my face. The legs are stiff, as you’d expect an old man’s after he’s just woken up from fitful sleep. I font know if fitful is the right expression. I do remember that I saw some dream, no, I don’t recall that. But I did have a dream. And that means I was in REM and that means I was rested.
All these would fade away without me even noticing as I start waking up. I’ll wash my face, down a liter of water, take a cold shower and like I said, I will stop noticing these bodily signs! The signs that I am growing old. I am getting weary. That I am not what I used to be. I mean I don’t really recall how I was as a kid when I’d wake up back then. Now, I do remember there are days when I’d wake up feeling like a million dollars, and then there are days when I wake up with this cold dark cloud (the kinds they talked about when they talk about knocking on heaven’s doors) hanging over me.
The point, these little things that you take for granted, things that you often miss and ignore once you get into the humdrum of the day? Well, these things matter. For that fleeting instant of time, if not in the large scheme of things. And that’s the point of this short post. I wanted to capture this feeling. This thought. This soreness in my back and the stiffness in my legs and blurriness in my eyes.
With this, over and out. See you guys on the other side. Oh, it’s 728. Took me 15 minutes to come up with these 100-odd words. Slowest I would’ve ever written! Old age 😉
Hello! Been a while since I last wrote. Last I wrote was on the last day of the last month.
Time is flying so fast it’s not funny. Last I remember I was sitting down for a session with Anjum Sir to learn about screenwriting (this was on last Sunday) and when I looked at the calendar, I realized its Friday morning! 5 days flew as it if were riding on a HummingBird or whatever is the fastest bird that you know of! I did not move an inch on things that I was supposed to work on. I did not read a damn thing. I did not listen to a single podcast. I did not write the logline for #book2. I did not try to eat less or workout more. I was fucking vegetating.
I know time goes by faster if you are old but I did not know it would be this fast. No wonder old age sucks! You have less time left to live and that too goes past by fast! As double a whammy as you can imagine.
I think its also a function of the state of mind you are in. And the last few days have been anything but good. There’s just way too much happening and there’s way too much inaction at the same time. The two ought to be in this harmonious tension if you have to spiral up in life. But in my case, there is no harmony and a lot of tension! And I don’t know what to do to get out of this whirlwind. And you know that pride that I hold dear to me? That is letting me not seek help. The thing is, I dont know what help I need!
Anyhow. Sob story.
Let’s talk of more urgent matters. Health. So, if you are a reader here, you would know of my ambitions to do things like climb the Mt. Everest, run Marathons and all that. I want to add a few things to the list. To start with, I want to be able to do a few push-ups or chin-ups. Right now, I am unable to do even one. Like other things, it’s a function of time, practice, and persistence. The three things that I don’t have. Plus health is a function of a lot of other things – sleep, diet, discipline et al. Again, I am not the best case study when it comes to these. I have started a million times in the past and failed at each attempt. To a point that I’ve even ended up unwell as a result of these trials.
The point? Starting today I am going to try all over again. The fitness bit I mean. The easy things are diet and sleep. I will get back to low-carb, IF today on. And try for a 7-hour sleep routine. Lemme report back in a week and see if I see any change in myself.
Wow! Time flies! I remember talking to a friend way back in Jan if she thinks that COVID would hit India hard. She said that she thinks it’s like the flu and there are hardly any repercussions for India. And then she said that India would be left untouched as COVID seems to be spreading in a narrow band of weather. Of course, since I like to follow some smart people, I took her advice and decided that I don’t want to be an alarmist. And then I forgot about it.
Fast forward to today.
We are on the 70th day of lockdown and quarantine and there is no sight for an opening up, at least, in Mumbai. Other parts, if I hear my friends and connections right, have opened up. I mean the government has not allowed things to open but most people are out and about. Public memory is incredibly short unless you are a celebrity 😀
Anyhow. So, I want to rant about something that I don’t know who to talk to about. Growing old. And things that are changing in me as a result of this ‘coming of age’.
Of course I am the biggest ageist I know of. All my life I have wanted to achieve things at a young age and of course I have failed at achieving any sort of success, irrespective of the metric you look at it with. The fears that I had when I was young have started to come true. Unlike my 25-year old self, I can no longer multitask. There was a time when I could juggle a million balls in the air and continue to add more balls. All the while balancing myself on a Yoga ball that is perched on a chair with one leg moving on a rollercoaster that is still functioning even when there’s this biggest earthquake ever happening. Oh, I’d be sipping on to a can of Coke while that was happening. You know what I am saying?
Now, at 37, I can NOT multitask. If I am writing this piece and there is some music playing in the background, I am distracted! To a point that I lose the chain of thought and what would take me normally 15 minutes to write, I take like an hour and a half to get out of my system!
I know humans are not programmed for multitasking but I think I was wired differently and I could! I took pride in it. I could see that all the madness that I had surrounded myself with, was fed by the aforementioned million balls! It served me well when I was younger. Now, it’s becoming an impediment! Even simple phone calls with people distract me so much that I can’t recall conversations unless I take notes. And hence, I have started to take an insane quantity of notes. So much so that I need a person to manage those!
The other thing that I was renowned for was my attention to detail. I was aware and I was perceptive. When I was juggling all those balls, I would know the colors of those balls. I would know about the scale of the earthquake and the trend line. I could count the pars of udti chidiya. I was the kind that would know the number of the cab I was in, the color of undies of everyone in the room, number of slides remaining in a presentation, and even the ongoing count of typos in a piece. And other such insignificant details! Nothing would escape my keen gaze. I was the one that checked and rechecked all copy before things had to ship!
Now, I cant. I don’t even know what I had for lunch the previous day. The memory is atrophying. Fast. More than that, attention is waning all the time. Like I am writing this, I am listening to a track and missing yet another track! Oh, any as I swapped the tab to change the track, I lost some 20 mins there. Sigh.
The last thing that I want to talk about is that patience levels seem to be decreasing. I was the kind to be able to handle all sorts of muck thrown at me with a smile. But then age happened and the patience levels hit the rock bottom. To a point that in case a call that was planned for 8 AM does not start by 7:59 AM, I get jittery and sad and angry and scary and all that. I start screaming at people. And when I am reminded that the call was at 8 AM, I apologize so profusely that I spend the entire time on finding novel ways of apologizing to everyone who was cool enough to log in a minute before the call!
And the last thing? You become abrupt with shit! Like this post. I am going to leave it here. See you guys on the other side.
So I had this work travel thing from 28th of April till the 8th of May and I decided that this would be a great opportunity to not use the phone / SM. Why? Two reasons.
A, because I am travelling for work, I have this excuse that I can’t respond. So, I could get away from all the calls/emails etc.
B, I had to anyway do 12 sessions (one session is one weekend) of detox in this year. That means one session every month. And I am running terribly behind schedule on that. This was the perfect opportunity!
So, from that 10ish-day long period when I did not have Twitter or Instagram, here are some random observations. In no order…
1. Replacements.
The human mind is so amazing that in the absence of little Dopamine awards that I was getting I found alternatives.
Once I uninstalled twitter, FB and Instagram, I resorted to using LinkedIn as a Social Networking tool. No, I did not respond to messages from strangers but I would scroll the timeline to see what the world was up to. Which is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. Good – I know what the world is up to. Bad – the jealousy pangs when you see that everyone else has all the money.
The other one I got hooked onto was Tik Tok. Really. It’s sad to another level. I’ll probably write about it soon.
And 2048 (I saw Mihir play it on his computer once and I am hooked). I did reach 4096 if that is any validation.
2. Bliss
I realised that in the absence of social media, I had no clue what was happening in the world around me. I don’t read newspapers and I don’t have access to a TV. So I was largely ignorant about what was happening in the world. Things like elections, IPL and others went by and I was not affected at all.
3. Sleep
Did I sleep well because I was a little less anxious? No, I did not. Not because I did not have SM. But because I was at an event.
4. Am I working more / better?
No. I don’t know why. I think this is that thing that says that most people would revert to being their laziest self if given an opportunity. I’ve been lazy past so many days. I need to fix it.
5. I am old.
I realised that I am growing old fast. There was a time when I could stay up for hours at stretch and not get tired. Now, I was like a zombie. Even though I was not scrolling through my timeline, I was still up (for work) and that affected my health. It’s been 2 days that I am back and I am still weak and groggy and all that.
6. It’s tough to get back to the grind.
Really is. Really is. In the sense that, like I said, been two days, I am yet to start work! Work in the sense – writing, meetings, work etc.
7. I am sure there are more! But for the time being, this is it.
The lessons for next time?
That when I go on a digital detox, I ought to throw my phone out altogether. Sounds scary. But let’s see if I can do that.
Chalo, that’s it for the time being. Over an out.
PS: To be honest, this is not the best post that I’ve written. I just wanted to get back in the grind of writing every day – I am yet to restart the SoG series (haven’t been able to think of the future of those letters), haven’t written a post on 100 people to thank, haven’t added a word on my next book even though I have someone who is helping me. Like I said, it’s tough 🙁
Last time I wrote about The Lost Story (book, open letter), I was talking about Suds’ book. In case you haven’t read it, you must! This time, I will talk about myself. In multiple bullet points. And please be warned that’s this is yet another in series of long ranty posts that I’ve been making in recent past where I try to motivate myself. Guess am reading too much Deepak Chopra!
So, here is a list of things that I think are broken with me (no, not another rant about my career and underachievement but about other more worldly things). As always, in no order.
A. Age
I am growing old. And that means I am not as lithe, as fast moving, as strong as I was. And is evident in the way I work. Most days these days, at around 4, my battery dies. I have to sleep to recharge. No amount of sugar or caffeine or taurine (or whatever they put in RedBull) seems to give me no wings. And since I leave work at 5ish, I sleep in the rickshaws, neck rested on the sidewall and my mouth open, trying to get in some air. (Uber is way too expensive with upfront pricing). I reach home after battling all the traffic and I just crash. I cant control my senses. I have to sleep. And when I do sleep, I snore like a motorcycle. And most days, I just cant get up till the next morning. So, the productivity, which has been low lately, has hit the rockbottom!
B. Snoring brings me to the next thing. The blockage in my nasal cavities do not allow me to breathe at all. That means I am often left gasping for breath. And that’s not cool. I cant talk or eat or just be without making those weird sounds. Like someone is choking me to the death. All the time. 24 x 7. And no, its not funny after a while.
I am ok with all the choking to be honest. But the thing is, I cant sleep properly. And since I anyway sleep very little, I really want my sleep to be peaceful and all that.
Also, since I breathe through my mouth, I am sure I am inadvertently taking in lot of foreign objects in my system that I should not. I have tried all sort of inhalers and ointments and nothing seems to be helping. May be an operation is the only way to go.
Thing is, I like to be active. I love being able to jump and walk and play. Except when its too hot (which is the case 11 months our of 12 in India). The inability to breathe fucks up the ability to do all of that in the one month that I get.
There is so much that this inability to breathe does to me that its the single biggest problem that I have. Apart from general ennui.
C. In the last week, I have lost a pair of sunglasses, 2 pens, 2 mouse devices and I don’t know what else. Knowing how I think about people who are careless, its such a shame and personal defeat that I am losing things like that. I am supposed to be brainy and all that and its not cool that I am careless. Of course there is financial loss. There is also this irritant factor. For everything you lose, you need to put in time and effort to get a replacement. And that, is not cool.
Finally there is this thing where this carelessness becomes a pattern. And then the pattern is often tough to break. And the pattern extends to things that you absolutely can not fuck up. Its like the butterfly effect. Small things give rise to huge issues.
Plus I abhor people who are not careful with things, people who are sloppy, people who lose control. I am no Saint Jean Paul V but I am sure about a few things that I don’t like. And I can NOT become one of those. At all. And thus!
D. Last few days, there isn’t a lot happening on the work front. There is work but there is no action per se. There is no excitement. There is no world changing happening. May be it will happen with time?
But for the time being, work is easy and no I am not liking it. I am used to be being busy all the time. I have so much time on work front that I don’t know what to do with all the time. There are a 100 projects that I can take up but again, I am the kinds that works on triggers and feels. And there ain’t no trigger, no feel, nothing exciting happening!
…
So, now that there are issues, there are two things that I can do from here. I can sit on my ass and whine about it. Or I can take control and take some action. Let me do the later!
What would I do about it?
1. Say no to AC. I know its the baarish season and this is THE best time of the year and when its not raining, it would be humid like a bitch. And I will try and live with it.
2. Start stepping out. I often prefer comfort over activity. Today on, I’d make it reverse. Let me choose action over comfort. That means I will do things that I inherently hate (dressing up, humidity, small talk).
3. Do the daily tiny workouts that make me healthy and better. These include (not limited to) steaming the fuck out of my nose, walking for 45 minutes, meditating etc. I will probably get that Neti pot and flush the muck outta my nose.
A lot to do but I have one life and I am yet to make it big. And I have to do these if I am serious about leaving that damned impact. You know this list? I have to be on it! I
4. Start planning life and day better. I am already super serious about how I spend my time. I need to step up the game and become even more strict. If there is no work, I will not go to office. I will not create work to merely showoff. I will do what makes meaning.
5. Fitness will become number 1 priority. If something comes in the way of fitness, I will abstain from that. If I have to brisk 45 minutes each day, I will do so – irrespective of the looming deadlines that I impose on myself.
That’s about it. Lets see how it goes. I will probably revisit this post in a couple of months and see where I’ve reached!
P.S.: Now I put a reminder on my calendar about these posts. Like I’ve put for this one. The next update on this post shall happen on Aug 25, 2017.
