Bipolar Disorder

Rant – 8 Jul 2019

Ranty post ahead. Talks of things that may not be polite or nice or good. Read at peril.

So, few things happened in the last few days that have pushed me to the edge, if there is an edge. No, I did not want to jump over something. Just that it was stifling, for the want of a better word. You know, how life could be unfair? If the last few days is any indication, life IS unfair. And is probably meaningless. So so many things happened that left me listless. Lemme talk of each of those in short.

A, A friend is going through a bad breakup. The girl is clinically unwell and seeing a doctor. The guy is ok but his parents are unwell and is at hospitals all day long. I am one of their common friends and I thus know both sides of the story. And its a stalemate – it is not going anywhere, both of them know about it but hoping to not accept it. I wish I could fix it. Two great people. In pain. For no rhyme or reason.

B, Someone I knew about and had exchanged a few tweets with passed away. No, I did not know the guy. I knew of him. Just that he was everything that I’ve ever wanted to be – nice guy, chasing fitness, restauranteur, helpful (he would help everyone that needed help), married to the love of his life, hustler, stood up for times when he was wrong, celebrated awards that his restaurant would get and so on and so forth. Because I knew of him on Twitter, while he and his life are familiar, he was still a stranger to me. And despite that, when he passed away, it came as a shock to me. He was young and he was a great guy. And you know, bad things aren’t supposed to happen to great people. But it did. Life is fucking unpredictable, unfair and terribly short! Wish I could undo it!

C, Work hasn’t been great lately. I am working on this project that I really want to do well and despite all my attempts, I am failing at it. To a point that I am doubting my abilities. I anyway suck at BD and when I can’t seem to deliver on a project, I get jacked in my head. My work is really really important to me and it sucks when I suck at it. And it sucks all the more that I don’t know how to fix it 🙁

D, Something happened with this group of friends (no, can’t talk about it here – this is reserved for sgEchoChamber) that made me realize that I do not have any close friends. I am just a convenient acquaintance to most people I call a friend. And the stupid part is that I’ve molded my entire life hoping to be of use to people I call friends!

E, I’ve been unwell for far too long. And there’s a different thing every goddamn time. Like this recent trip to Delhi (more about it in a bit), every time I’d sit in a cab, I’d feel pukish. Every time I’d eat something oily, I’d want to die. And this was coming on the back of that week when I feel sick. So, that’s not been cool either.

F, the only thing that was working out was the letters that I would send and the connections I made from those. Those too sort of stopped once I was in Delhi. Blame it on travel and general fuckery of the mind.

Lemme talk about Delhi. So I had this meeting on a Tuesday and I decided to stay back the week. And I did. Met old friends and acquaintances. Jammed with them – it helped because they don’t see me on a day to day basis, they could see things from an emotionally detached space. And thus, got tons of ideas. Which was a great thing to get some much-needed distraction!

I also realized that I probably will never be the Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or Elon Musk. Heck, I won’t be Paul Graham ever. Leave him aside. I won’t even be an Indian Internet Entrepreneur that impacts things at scale. And it’s not a great feeling to realize that you will not be what you ~~thought~~ knew you were all your life!

So yeah. These and other such things kept me awake. Pushed me to the edge.

And while I was thinking about things and writing this, I realized that I ought to be so thankful about my life. And about all the opportunities that come my way. And now that I am trying to get out of the slumber, I think I will have to be faster and lot on point.

Guess these are the rude shocks that I needed to be able to make my life better and larger and all that? No?

#Untitled – 17 Feb 2019

There is this ajeeb is sadness and I have no clue why. I wish I had a car that I could take to the hills. Or to the beach. Meet some strangers, get pally with them, talk of new things and not worry about the baggage that I am hiding in the boot of the car. I don’t know what’s the source of this sadness. Is it that I don’t have anyone to hang out with. Or is it my lack of tangible achievements that makes me sad? Or maybe the fact that I’ve been unwell for last so many days. Or maybe its trip of sad songs that I am on. Really. Sad songs make you sad. Happy songs make you happy. I mean look at Punjabis. ~~All~~ most of their music is happy and they ARE the happiest bunch around.

Or maybe because I haven’t written in the last few days. Or maybe because I faced this soul-crushing rejection a couple of days ago. Of course, rejection is not new to me – I have been rejected multiple times in the past for multiple things by multiple people and in multiple situations that were both controllable and uncontrollable. And yet when I play, I want to win. I don’t like to lose.

I am not sure which one it is. But one of these is at fault. Or maybe something is at fault that I can’t seem to put my finger to. And I don’t like it. No, not the sadness. Sadness is ok. That’s part and parcel of life. But the fact that I can’t put my finger to it 🙁

I am so sad that I don’t even know how to explain it to you.
If it were a colour, it would be what? Pale yellow?
If it were a song, it would be Tanhayee. Or maybe Kyon Main Jaagoon. Or that last scene and the sad riff from Kabhi Haa Kabhi Naa? You know that right?
If it were a cartoon character, it would be snoopy.
And if it were a piece of text, a poem, it would be this!

P.S.: You know the funny thing? On my daily letter (subscribe now), I wrote about how happiness is a great lifehack! Lol! Irony just turned in its grave.

P.P.S.: Wrote this yesterday but couldn’t get around to publishing it. I thought it was too depressing. Reviewed today and no, it’s not that sad or depressing.

The Daily Grind – 2714 – 260718

If there are days that I’d say are weird, today would take the cake.
I had a good time while working.
I had arguments over petty things.
I said no for the first time and it came to bite me back in the ass.
I was told that I cant keep my people happy.
I saw a silver lining in the otherwise cloudy, vague kind of life am living. And the kind of work am doing.

There were good things. And there were bad.
There were expected thing. And there were unexpected surprises.

I need to not have days like today.

I promise myself.

Thats it for the day. More tomorrow.

PS: Technically, this should NOT count as a post. Anything less than ~~500~~ 300 is not a post. But I had to hit publish before I slept. I remain committed to 1000 words on average a day till the end of the year. Lets see.

The Daily Grind – 2722 – 200718

Day 11.
As I write this, its 10:52. About an hour from the impending deadline for the day. Which is ok. I think I work better when the deadlines are hovering over my head. The point is that I am consciously trying to publish a piece every day. Which, given the life that I lead is next to impossible.

And yet, here I am. Doing it. I agree that most pieces that I write may not qualify as quality content. But like I keep saying, I am the kinds that needs to put in hours and hours before I get some good content that could engage someone for even 4 seconds!

In terms of the day, it was a pretty routine day. Woke up rather late, went for a meeting, had eggs for lunch and dinner. Had 3 Diet Cokes. Made a few phone calls that were pending for sometime. Got some work done. Moved the needle on one of the projects. And of course a lot of other projects are open. So that’s something that I need to fix as we go along. Who’s we? Main aur meri tanhai. Lol.

Moving on. As I was writing this, I realised that I some travel coming up (Delhi and Kolkatta) in the next few days. Delhi is as early as the next week. And if all goes well, I could be in Chennai as well in the next week. All of this is work. Lets see how that pans out. In case you are in any of these cities and want to catch up, please do lemme know. Who are you kidding Mr. G? Who the F reads your blog?

Ok people may not read the blog. But that does not mean that you will not write. The intent of this 1000 words a day pact is to sharpen the muscle and see the extent to which I can push myself. I keep telling myself that I am very strong willed and this is one sure way of testing that will!

So yeah. That.

And in terms of other updates, a lot hasn’t changed since yesterday. I am still the same – happy, sad, excited, scared, careless, cheerful and all that. Bipolar anyone?

Thing is, this pouring of random words on a public medium is an interesting idea. This makes me blurt out things that are clouding my head. And while writing, once I get in the flow, I often write things that I dont even know are fucking with my head. So, this is therapeutic in a way. And this also means that this exposes my vulnerabilities to the world – which is not a great thing. Especially if you have the grandiose ambitions like mine. I am often asked about my plans to reach my ambition and I dont have an answer. In an ideal world, you ought to be doing this blurting out in front of the ones that you know will stand by you. And this is where I suck. People that will stand by me.

This also brings me to the lesson for the day.

So, what did I learn today?
I learnt that no one cares for you. Apart from you, no one is responsible for your success or happiness. No I am not talking about me per se. But about people in general.

How did I learn this?
I was talking to Krishna about the post I made yesterday and I realised that while he wants to help me but he can do only as much. He can give me inputs and talk to me and give me the emotional support that I need but he will not quit what he’s doing to stand by my side! Will I stand by his side? Not really. But I will stand by a LOT of people. All of my ex-bosses for example. They’ve given me long leashes and if anyone is in trouble, I will do whatever it takes to fix things for them. Even if I cant fix things, I will ensure that I try hard.

That.

I dont have one person like that. I have great friends and others that are invested in my success but I really need people who make me their number one priority. Or a cabal where we are a clique and everyone is taken care of and does well and stands by each other. You know what I am saying? Guess this TED talk by Derek could help? Or may be its only about creating reputation for yourself? May be. May be not. Time shall tell.

And till tomorrow, this is over and out!

Like a rolling stone…

I have this maniacal flip flop switch in my head. It gets triggered at odd hours that I cant seem to control. I could be in the middle of a gathering of some of my people and boom! it goes and I am lost for words. I want to get away from everyone and everything. At other times, I am dumped in one of the million miseries that shroud me and click it goes and I am happy. For no reason.

And this happens very often. There is no set pattern per se but it does happen. And unlike other miseries, it does not come with a warning. If there were warnings, I could be prepared. But no, there are no warnings.

I dont know if this is a known disorder but the pseudo-smart dude in me has deduced that I am probably suffering from a mild form of bipolar disease. I have spoken about it on this blog at least twice (one, two) in the past. A quick glance at the two posts tell me that nothing has changed. I am little better in terms of where I am going with life. But I am still not anywhere close to any source of eternal happiness.

So this flip flop switch remains a mystery to me. And because I have this desperate need for closure, I have to find an answer to it. I have tried everything short of getting professional help – I may do so if things continue to go like this. I have infact made a list of questions that I have about this. A not so comprehensive list would be…

Am I the only to have these demons in my head?
Is there an end? Will I ever reach a state of bliss? Or I will have to succumb to alcohol, substance abuse and all that?
How do I fix it? Do I need to find a job? Do I need to get married? Do I need an adventure? What the fuck do I need?

Any answers anyone? No? Well, Thank you!

Apart from this list, I have also told myself to start taking notes. For two things – the triggers for the switch and when / how of things that help me come out of it. Because once I know these two, I can get little more rational and predictable and genteel in my demeanor.

So, what causes it? There are no specific answers but the likely suspects are…

The times when I wish sgMS was next to me. At a gathering of friends, at a new place that I travel to, when I do something big and other things that ought to be shared with someone special. And there is no one as special as she.
The times when I get rubbed the wrong way by people. This could be colleagues at work (I cant digest incompetence), strangers (talking to me rudely without a reason), friends and family (for no reason) et al. Of course in all the cases, I have to be at fault (I am the I am not ok, you are ok type). I have just too many things that limit me. I may need to get out of it. In fact, a friend says, that as a poor man, you can not be eccentric. Unless you are Roark.
Incessant work meetings that dont have an end or a destination in sight. Agreed my entire life is like a meandering deer in an infinite pasture and a paper boat drifting aimlessly in a downward stream. But I dont understand how people who have worked for ages at fancy places with great people could be do indecisive. It sucks to see such incompetence running large companies. If ~~they~~ Elon could find a way to automate the decision making and take the onus off people, life would be so so much better. BTW, there is this entire debate about efficacy of mechanical, artificially intelligent decision making vs human judgement (judgement based on available data, experience and gut). I tend to lean on the human side but we ought to work towards making AI engines smarter. Ok, I digressed.
Inability to get things done. My work requires me to talk to a lot of people and I have lately realized that I suck at getting things done from other people. In the words of @Jason, I am Bob Dylan, not Rolling Stones. So, it could be my inability to get work done from people? Or my inability to understand their inability to comprehend simple things and do things? Arrghhh… am ranting!

Cutting short the list. There are many more reasons but these were the things from the top of my head.

And how do I come out of it?

Often a session of music (by Lucky Ali, Rabbi, Dylan) helps – I love to drown the outside voice by blaring loud music in my ears.
Other times a drive helps. But then my partner in crime is sort of moving up in life, I dont get to go on drives as much. May be if I could afford a car, I could go more often?
Writing helps. But I dont get into the flow most times when I am sad. Sometime I do. Like when I started writing this post, I was sad (even though there is no reason for being sad) and somehow as I write this, I can see the shroud lifting. Inshallah it does. I shall report at the end of the post if I am back to the normal self.
It often helps if I eat something nice (classic symptom of depression).
I try my hand at mindless work (like aligning objects on the latest powerpoint deck that I am working on) and it often helps. But I dont really have a lot of powerpoints to work on on most days.

I cant think of more. And like the triggers, this list of antidotes is also from the top of my head. I probably need to list more such things. May be I will keep a track of things on my Evernote or something?

Good idea! It sounds like a plan and I shall take notes and report next time something changes substantially. Over n out.

Oh, one more thing. While I was ranting, the answer dawned on to me. From the philosopher and guide, Rabbi Shergill. He says and I quote..

jaddon na kujh agge disse
tahiyon bandaa vekhe picche

Translates into, when you cant see whats up ahead, you tend to look back. So may be, just may be, my problem is that I look back too often? May be I need to have something to look up to?

What do you guys look up to?

P.S.: I think I am far better than what I was when I started writing this. So, thumbs up!

P.P.S.: I have captured things that fuck up my mood. I need to capture things that elevate it as well.

Pointless!

Source: Unknown

You see the curve? The irregular sinusoidal curve? My mood is like that. I start the day on a high. I make my bed, make a list of things to do, visualize my short-term and long-term goals and go out with all the positivity. I appreciate small things in life – sunshine, birds, trees and the sky. I observe things rather than making a judgement. I dont yell on people and I try and get all the good karma I can.

I feel like the success kid and I am all determined to take on the world!

Life looks rosy and I have this inkling that great things are going to happen to me. In anticipation I start “living” the life that I crave for (a la The Secret). And I open my arms wide and strong, ready to recieve the goodness that the world would apprantly shower on m.

I reach wherever I want to (coffee shop, clients office, borrowed desk) and by the time I arrive, I start falling into this mild, for want of better word, depression. I start questioning the very meaning of what I am upto. Things that I am doing – they dont matter no more. Where I start thinking about the reason of doing things. Where I wonder about the whole damn point of being in a world where life is unfair. Someone like me, who thinks he works harder than anyone else that he knows of, is poor and gets a raw deal all the time. Of course there are great things that has happened to him but overall, in grand scheme of things, he’s got the raw deal. There is no sex or cash, no friends, no future and nothing else to look upto. Everything feels like a futile attempt. Its like staring down the abyss.

The worst part of this feeling is that I am not alone. I know so so many people just like me. The ones who keep trying and keep going on without any hope or any possibility.

But then the selfish fuck in me pushes the pathos for others on a back seat. I concentrate on myself. And I realize that I am unhappy and I am discontent.

There are quite a few reasons for the feeling. The first and foremost is the fact that I did not get lucky with the Ovarian Lottery.
Like the poor kid on the left, in the image on the left, I have had to
climb really steep ladders while I see very average people doing better because they had things served to them on a platter.

The other thing is that I have had to work really hard for every rupee that I’ve earned while the word around me seems to get it easy!

And then my money
does not word hard. For every rupee I spend, I do not get its equivalent worth.

First bit (losing out on Ovarian Lottery) is a random luck. The second is something that
I can control and yet I cant because of the value system that I have
been ingrained with. I wish I could unlearn em. Once a middle class, always a middle class!

When this bout of self-pity gets too much, I stagger to YouTube and fire up the latest Kamal R Khan video and world starts looking bright all over again. Side note: Do see his collection on Youtube if you have time. Here is the link.

I wish I could love myself the way KRK does. In a world where self-love could be so, selfless, nothing can touch you!

But then, moment the video is over, I am back to the gloom of diminishing bank balance, lost opportunities and comparison with friends who are dollar millionaires and yet make a stupid show about their poverty – wish they accepted that they are doing well and stopped pulling legs of people like me who barely get by.

At this point, I try to count my blessings – amazing parents that are so selfless that I dont believe them at times (while I continue to cry about Ovarian Lottery), opportunity to have traveled the world, option to work for myself (and make enough to pay my rent and earn my bread, while sending nothing home), ability to choose the kind of work I want to do (not that what I do has changed the world) and so on and do forth. Side note: Did you notice all the disclaimers?

But then I realize that I am not alone. And I havent done it all. I have a fucking Jack of all trades at best and Jacks often end up as JackAsses. See that lame attempt at pun? And I claim to be an author!

I think I’d end this post with this lame attempt at poetry…

@jasuja ख़्वाब तो रईसों वाले है, हैसियत फ़क़ीरों वाली

— सौरभ गर्ग (@saurabh) December 19, 2015

P.S.: In fact, as I finish writing this piece, I am even wondering about the reason of this blog. I dont think anyone reads what I write (apart from people who land on this page via Google). And I definitiely dont go back to read how I was feeling at some point in the past. May be its just a way to vent? But to what end? Pointless. Like life!

Will you?

I spot a recurring pattern in life. As readers of this blog, you must have noticed it as well. No?

That I play this game of hide and seek on the blog.

And if it’s any consolation, I do it in real life as well.

There are phases when I have this spurt of activity where I get hyper active. I write almost everyday, think of ideas, get some exercise, do a lot of reading, talking, connecting and dreaming. I am in the zone. For days at stretch. I am in this Zen-like mode where nothing seems impossible and I want it all. And I work towards it. I am in the YOLO and FOMO mode and I say yes to everything. I overwork myself. To a point when I start cribbing about how overworked I am and how I don’t have time to sleep. I do so till the time I start enjoying the pain. I am on this trip where pain becomes pleasure and I want more and more of it.

Till something happens and I snap out of it.

The “something” could be as large as the AC not working or as small as wrong signs from Universe. AC is large because I am the kinds that want everything in perfect order to keep me happy. So things like AC, relatives, visitors at home, Internet etc. bug me so much that I want to kill someone. Of course Universe-conspiring-to-give-me-gifts is important as well but I sincerely believe that I amongst the luckiest people. So I tide over that.

So till I snap out of the euphoria, I am getting things done. I am the king of the universe. But when I am out, I have this desperate ~~urge~~ need to crawl in a hole and wait for the winters to end. I sort of want to disappear. I cease all contact with the outside world (except my inner circle) and I don’t want to be touched. I don’t write, I don’t tweet, I don’t post updates on Facebook. I merely become a vegetable and try to exist. Of course if there’s work, I have to live per shenanigans of clients. But I try to not accept work in such phases.

I know it sucks but this is probably that aspect of life that I cant change.

I know it sucks but that’s how I am.

Of course I can blame it on my bipolarity. Or may be on the fact that I really really miss having sgMS around me. Or may be at the lack of direction that my life is flowing in. I can externalize the reasons but there’s no one to blame but me and I will have to live with it.

The thing is, despite all that, as a friend, a reader, a patron, I will have to ask you, request you, implore you to allow me to live with it. Give me my space when I need. And hope that I come back stronger and higher.

Will you?