Celebs – 922

The Wonder Years

So I met this TV anchor from the yesteryears that I used to have a huge crush on, while I was growing up in the 90s. At that time I could have happily given one arm and probably a leg as well to just see her once in real life. She had the most awesome smile ever and although the show she hosted was about English music, I did not understand a single thing she said but I still tuned into the channel religiously to see her come up and smile. It was one of those useless wonder year things that I dint even remember, till I realized that I would be meeting her.

So I went ahead with a twinkle in my eyes, my almost bald head neatly combed (took me all of 30 seconds), my beard neatly trimmed and in my favorite green shirt. And there she was, the lady of my wonder year dreams. And that is when I got the jolt and the dream got shattered into million little pieces of glass and ivory.

Now, when I am almost a man, she is on the wrong side of the thirties. And unlike some women who develop a charming grace when they grow old, this one hadnt. This one just looked like an older and “fuller” version of herself from the TV show. And that meant that the awesome smile was intact, apart from lines and blemishes on the skin that she has been trying to hide using all those beauty products that Sonam Kapoor and the likes peddle on TV.

It was like seeing the rude side of the concept called life. I realized that time is the mother of all sorrows that a human being can face. Take this woman for example. Despite all the money and fame, she cant do shit about how she looks despite she being the apple of the eye of the entire nation in her yesteryear. And then once I reazlied that shes been using beauty products to stay “young”, I felt sorry for her. She has to resort to things like her beauty to actually make a living now. Thankfully I would have a sane head and hopefully I would not have to resort to things like that when I am old. And come to think of it, I would never be old! I can be watever age and in whatever physical condition, I would still be in demand!

Dear Sonam A Kapoor

Dear Sonam,

I saw this movie called Players (which IMHO is a really bad rip off of the awesome Italian Job) last night. Not that I wanted to see but I could not find the TV remote and I had to see something that helped me sleep. After I saw the movie, I have a few questions to ask you. And after all the questions, like a true Indian, have some opinion. I sincerely hope you give me a patient hearing and look at the merits of my arguments before you dismiss them as being blasphemous.

Also, before I launch into the rant, I would like to make clear that I really really like you and I may even have a crush on you. I think the crush has been since Subhash Ghai made that Pyar Ki Ganga Bahe with all the film star and their kids.

Apart from the crush, I pin a lot of hopes on you. Not everyone is lucky to get a platform like you have and it would suck if you waste that platform and end up like Paris Hilton (BTW Paris is an achiever in her own way, she is after all named after Paris. And her last name is Hilton). I dont go about writing these letters to everyone. But you, Ms Kapoor, have the potential. You just need to realize it and get your act straight.

Without further ado, here are the questions that I had promised I would ask.

When you sign a film, don’t you read the script? You are not a kid anymore that someone lures you with a candy. Wait, no, a pony in your case. After all you are a famous kid of a rich dad. So, while signing Players, dint you realize that it was a really bad ripoff of The Italian Job? To the extent of three Mini Coopers loaded with weight, daughter of the dead father etc. Even the make up of the villain was inspired by the original! Do you think it does justice to your reputation when you work in films like this? Don’t they judge people by the company they keep and the work they do? Long after your not young anymore, wont people remember you for films that you did? When you are a mom, wont you want to tell you kids about the amazing job you did in some movie? Doesn’t Mr. Kapoor talk to about Ram Lakhan? Lamhe? Tezaab? Mr. India? And all those amazing movies he’s done?
Reputation. This is connected to the first one. I have a background in communications and I have learnt and seen that reputation is everything. Especially for people like you. So while you endorse a brand, or sign a movie, dont you think (assuming you can – you look like someone who can) if endorsing that brand or featuring in that film would add something to your reputation? And can your exiting reputations give wings to that brand/film? Look at Vidya Balan for example. Shes on this trip of female centric roles. I dont give two hoots about her but shes thinking about the legacy she leaves behind. Sonam, people in show biz, they have a responsibility. Of course they must enjoy life and riches and goto parties on yachts parked on the French riviera but you guys have a responsibility. The responsibility to do good work and entertain audiences. And no, audiences do not get entertained when you merely flash a smile at the camera at some page 3 party where you vouch your support for PETA.
This may be the most personal of all questions, but dont you think you need to take dancing and acting classes? You know, I am all for learning by experimentation and stumbling and failing and then getting back. But then the basics please? I mean acting is not just about looking good. You look gorgeous. There is no doubt about it. But acting?

Thats about it I guess. I have many more but I know that you are busy and short on time and you wont have patience to read and answer the other trivial questions.

Coming to opinions. Again, please do not mind. I am a mere well wisher and there are no ulterior motives here. Like I said earlier, you have an amazing platform that you can use to leave a mark. And these are only meant to nudge you on the path.

How about stopping to act? I mean not that you’ve had great success with it. Your time, which anyways is limited, can be invested in other pursuits and trust me you would do far better at them. I dont know you personally but from whatever I read, if you could do something about fashion in India, you would rock. So how about creating a business around bringing new brands to India? India’s growing by leaps, people have the money to spend. Its a perfect opportunity for you! I mean look at Rhea Kapoor. She is putting her effort in producing movies. Totally worth the time she spends. +1 to her!
How about firing your manager? No no, not the time keeper that schedules your appointment etc but the manager who looks after your reputation. The guy who leaks stories to press and gets you endorsements from brands? The guy who should be thinking on your behalf and counseling you. The guy who should be getting the scripts tweaked to get you a more plush role. That guy who should be chasing brands to get them to invite you to endorse their brands. The guy who is responsible for brand Sonam Kapoor in the long run!
How about stop working for money? You have enough. Enough that you can afford all the luxuries you may want and get invited to all the parties you want to. If you stop working for money and stop doing stupid films, appearances and endorsements for money, you can choose to do the kind of work that would make you happy. And more importantly, make your fans (like me) happy. The work could then spawn across industries – entertainment, fashion, travel, philanthropy, the options are limitless Sonam.

And thats it. There is more but then I think these are enough for the time being. If you are serious about a long term impact, I am sure you would consider these. Hope you dont get offended. I am being repetitive but I have high hopes from you and it really sucks to see you waste your time on things like Players. And time Sonam, is the biggest limiting factor of our lives. Sooner you realize, better it is.

That’s about it! Thanks so much for reading this. Hope it helps.
A fan!

Aug 18: The Twitterati. 10 steps that can help you become one.

So there are few people who use twitter that well that they are now called the twitter celebrities. Or twitterati for short. They are as ubiquitous as Amitabh Bachchans of the world. In fact a time is not far when these twitteratis would actually start appearing in those soaps and give Ekta Kapoor and Colors a run for their money. And like all other kind of celebrities, these guys leave an indelible mark on the fabric of the society we live in.

I was so impressed by their mere existence that I thought I need to give them more time and attention. I in fact spent some time running an analysis and figuring out what separates an average twitter use and a twitterati. Of course since my “study” was conducted over twitter users in India, these may not be applicable to everyone. But I think the underlying principles shall remain the same.

Here are few rules that I put together in a hurry, which may help you realize your lifelong dream of becoming a twitterati.

Drop the words Anna and fast in the same tweet and you have taken the first step towards becoming famous.
Step two is even simpler. Pick on a famous personality and post a provocative comment. May be against Anna only. Dont know how to come up with an original rant? Search twitter for it! And once you have posted that comment, dont budge. You need to ensure that debate follows and the world is divided into two kinds of people. One, who are with you and the other, who arent.
Third, though, this is tough, but knowing a celeb would help. He could be your neighbors’ best friend’s classmate’s distant cousin, but hey there is a connection. Anyways everyone is connected to everyone else by just 6 hops. Or may be 5 or 4 as enabled by the Internet. So in theory, Amitabh Bachchan knows me. So does Kofi Annan. And Sachin Tendulkar. And Anna. And his fast. Ofcourse I know them as well. And you ;P (Note to readers: See, how easily I dropped the two keywords here).
Fourth. Proclaim the greatness of new media and effectiveness of the online medium over the traditional media. Look at the way twitter has helped Anna talk about his cause. Take a potshot at leading media outlets as if they have defamed the country by their mere existence. And yet at every opportunity to suck up a reporter, of even a Punjab Kesari or a Times of India, thou shalt bend over and invite em! I call this backrub algorithm. You rub mine, I rub yours. Goes a long way. Trust me.
Tweet to Anna and all the bollywood and cricket celebrities once every hour, as if they owe you money and you are chuddi buddies since your mothers were pregnant. Irrespective of if they reply or even bother. After all success is 1% genius and 99% perspiration.
Retweet every inane request that you get from other aspiring twitterati (remember the backrub?). These retweets could be jokes, blood donation requests, classifieds, gathering of support for Anna or whatever. Of course at first if people dont, you send them direct messages and then keep sending till the time the phone runs out of memory or money.
Download a good collection of double meaning jokes and comments. And use a bot to post a joke once every 15 minutes. This will help you remain on top and despite the fact people find your comments awful, they would not have a choice but to take note. Of course the double meaning bits would sound offensive to some communities and people but then its a democracy that we live in. You have the right to freedom of speech. Look at Anna. And look at the way I have dropped his name, yet again in the post.
Yet another sure shot way is to take up a cause. Like stand up for Anna. Every tweet that you post could have a reference to the great mother of the nation (I mean we have one undisputed father in MKG. I think Anna and Mumma have a nice ring to it.
Use hashtags. #evenIfTheySoundStupid. #evenIfTheyAreUseless. #popular #great #iAmAnna #BharatMeriJaan #annaIsSexy so on and so forth. More hashtags you use, better it is for you.

This is about it. I am not sure if these are 10. I used the number in the post because it helps with the search engine rankings. May you want to use this hat-tip! Of course I aspire to be one. I am on @altsaurabh. Please retweet this blog, follow me, ask your friends to follow me and make me one. If you dont, I promise I would go sit on a fast. Will call it sobpal.

Thanks,

@altSaurabh

This is day 18 in a series of 31 daily blogposts. Other posts are here.

I could have called this post as 10 ways of putting Anna Hazare’s name in a blog post, without letting people know. But then I thought the readers of my blog (the sole reader) is intelligent enough to guess that! Time for a question. Did you?

Crib crib crib

Sunday mornings. Ideal time to relax, read, watch movies, laze around, eat, get a massage, get my hair cut, sleep etc. Right now, its 10 AM, I have just woken up, already late for office, I can hear my parents watching TV, the phone ringing incessantly, a water bottle by side, and thinking about issues as random as life, the futility of it all, QLC, work, celebrities, silver spoons, people who have it easy,

A Sunday morning rant. At best.

P.S.: I have realized that I do now have a distinct writing style. All I need to do is find some people who like what and the way I write. Then chase a publisher. And then publish a book.