Crib – Page 3

Aug 17: The chase of idleness

Last few days have been really tiring. The only time I got to catch on sleep was in flights and in transit. Every other moment, I was working. Not that what I do is rocket science but it’s a lot of coordination. Coordination, as they say, is the mother of all jobs. Its tougher than taking initiative. And is far more complicated than solving the Fermant’s last theorem. You could even fit that damned light bulb. And is made all the more difficult by a boss who travels more than you do, by colleagues that are nincompoops and by clients that are more concerned about making a fast buck and saving their jobs rather than working. I just hope that no one from work is reading this.

When I was just passing out of my MBA, all I could pray for was a job that kept me busy. And dude, am I busy? I should’ve heeded to that advice about watching out for what you pray for. Some prayers actually do come true. In my case, they come true more often than not. Like I wanted to travel and I now shuttle between cities more often than the airline pilots do. The sad part is that my company flies me economy and I don’t get any brownie points. I do get those boarding passes though, the ones I like to collect.

Coming back to the chase of idleness, since I am neck deep in work, there is hardly any time to engage myself in those idyllic pursuits. Reading, writing, talking, conversations, ideas and other such things. And the regular readers of this blog, with the combined readership of exactly one (including me), would know how much I love all these things. And I miss those days when I had time for myself. In an ideal world, I would be working at a place where I would be paid for writing and reading. But then, its an ideal world thingy. For a change, today, after a couple of meetings, I got an evening. I had planned to meet few friends and talk about some work (not the work work but the play work). But then I thought, let me spend this time on myself. Chill out at some place and write something!

In the long run, I would have to figure out a permanent solution. As they say, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do, I am trying to create opportunities to intervene on the lack of mental orgasm. So for example, this project, where I am writing a post everyday. I plan to run this next month as well (despite me being AWOL from work and family for a week). And start a couple of more projects. Shall post the details as and when get closer to the end of this month. But for the time being, I am loving the idleness and I loved the pasta and the pastry that I just had at this cafe in Bangalore.

This is day 16 in a series of 31 daily blogposts. Other posts are here.

Note to self: When I write, I start with the title and then I goto the contents. Ideally, shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Aug 16: The 500 word conundrum

Hello dear regular readers of my blog (aka me!),

How are you guys today? Its been long since I write to you. I have been busy writing over the last few days and for one reason or the other, I could not address you guys directly. I sincerely hope that you are doing well. I always think about you when I am praying.

You would have noticed that over the last few days, I have become really active with posting on my blog. I dont really have a specific reason but I just wanted to restart my habit of writing. All this while chasing a bigger dream of writing a full length novel some day. Would it actually materialize? Only time shall tell (assuming that by the time I get around to publishing it, people would actually be reading books. I am not sure cos of the dwindling time and attention span in the 149 character era). But anyways, I made a promise to myself that I would write at least 500 words everyday for one entire month. I did know that it would be a bit hard but I had no clue that it could drive me crazy. With all the work, meetings, travel, I thought I can take out twenty minutes easily and sit down in quiet and write something. But then I was wrong. I have missed it twice already. Its like taking the Sundays off. When I first thought about it, it seemed as easy as walking on the beach with sun playing hide and seek with clouds. But as I progressed through the month, I realized that its no simple task. It takes a lot of effort to just show up and actually start writing.

The surprising thing is that I really love writing. I know I am nowhere close to publishing quality, yet, but I do love the feeling of writing things. I love the way thoughts come to my head spontaneously. I love the way my brain cooks up connections in my memory and prompts me to type a set of words. Most of them dont really end up making any sense, but the few ones that do, they justify all the effort.

So if I love writing, why is that I missed on those two days? Not that writing feels like a job to me. I really want to write and writing is play for me. I could give a limb if someone paid me enough to write. Enough to be comfortable, ~~drink all the coke~~, travel the world and play some poker. I love writing and writing actually helps. If nothing else, then at least its a nice conversation starter.

And then its not even that I dont know what to write about. I have tons of things that I want to write about. And I have more than 4 projects that I want to start. I have no clue where does all my time goes. May be its commuting across Delhi, twice, each day. Or its the nature of work I do where my time is not mine. It belongs to my office, my managers and my clients. And secret, since I get paid peanuts for it, I feel like a loser after I end most of my days. Writing post work, at least puts some sanity back in my head and I feel as if I have done something productive with my day.

Today, despite the fact that I havent done much work, seems like a day spent well. You know why? Because I am writing this piece. At 0100 hours. Just before I sleep (not really. Have to leave home at 0430 and catch a flight).

Oh, btw, does anyone wants any freelance writers?

This is day 16 in a series of 31 daily blogposts. Other posts are here.

Crib crib crib!

Disclaimer: Post full of rants and I might use profanities. Parental discretion advised.

So I have been panning a trip to Mumbai for a while now. And for some reason or the other, the trips been getting delayed. Been more than two weeks now. And every-time at the last minute. This time, I had even packed my bags and called my driver to drop me to the airport.

It sucks to work for someone else. It sucks to be at the mercy of others and it sucks to let others take control of your life. If you cant plan simple things like travel to friend’s places, it couldn’t suck more. Of course you may argue that once you grow in life, you would have more time. I have one word answer to that. Balls. Ghanta (for the noes who appreciate Hindi).

So, Hugh, of the GapingVoid fame, says “Life is short and one day you’re no longer going to be here; that’s all the motivation you need”. And this is exactly why I hate to work for someone else. When I am 40, when I cant lift my limbs, I dont want to look back and regret about things that I could have done and I could have achieved. Like that carpe diem thingy, life for the damn minute. If you were to die today, after this minute, what would do in this minute? Work for someone else? Wait for a meeting to start? What for someone to rub his ego at your cost?

And yes, the kid in me wrote this post. Anyone got any problems with it?

Autobiography of Criba Shankar Pandey

Bade din sey crib nahin kiya. I feel odd. I can this negative energy affecting me. I need to blurt out. I want to write. I want to pour my heart out. On a public forum. I know every post I make goes on FB (atleast). I know most people dont give a fuck but there are a few who do take interest in what I have to say. And they are a large part of why I write. That one off comment, that random person writing in, it makes my day.

I know Miranda Warning (I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say, can or will be held against me in the court of law) holds truer for the Internet more than the real world. I know whatever I write today can be twisted enough in the future by some lawyer to seek higher alimony, or to make me plead guilty of a crime that I wouldn’t commit. And I know I would be innocent. After all, as Red says, “everyone in shawshank is innocent”.

Anyways coming to Criba Shankar Pandey ki dairy, today he is going to talk about things that ail him. Lekin before that, ye Criba Shankar Pandey hai kaun? Arey its my alter ego (the way Raju has Gajodhar and Karthik has Karthik). In short, its someone who I blame for all the fuck-ups in life. And it has served me well so far. And come to think of it, now that everyone including my maid, beggars and politicians have twitter accounts, how about a twitter account for Criba Shankar Pandey? @sgcsp 😀

So what ails Mr. Pandey? Few things that he is really touchy about. He wants to believe that he is a good writer. And his first paid writing gig is a complete mess. Someone paid him good money to write content for a website. Our Mr. Pandey put in real effort. Effort as in e to the f to the f to the o to the r to the t. And now, the client says it was a “very mediocre” job. Nothing pisses a man off more than a frivolous comment on the only talent he has got. Sigh the bloody difficult demanding unsupportive rude world.

Then he cant seem to make any headway with his love life. The last girl that he liked hates him for the bottom of her heart. But our Pandeyji remain hopeful. Hope, is a funny thing. Andy says “Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies“. And Red says “Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane“. Our Mr. Pandey, being a simpleton he is, cant decide which one to choose. And like all other fictional heroes, he doesn’t have the luxury of the coin that has heads on both faces. Where to they make those coins anyways?

Next on is lack of greenbucks in his life. Once upon a time some random guy told him that he would never be rich. And he laughed on that random guy’s face and asked him to wait and watch. And its been about 11 years since this face-off. And the random guy seems to be winning. And in all likelihood the random guy would go to his grave, grinning. Where is the money dude? How to people become millionaires and billionaires? And that too at such tender ages? Wait. Tender is politically incorrect. I meant young.

BTW as I am writing this for Mr. CSP, the world is celebrating the International Women’s day. And the other half is busy watching the Oscars. I dont know which is more useless. I mean we have to award all the effort that goes behind making movies and we have to appease to all the feminists. What I dont understand is that how do all the women in the world settle with just one day? Take them to dilli haat and they cant decide what to buy and here they are, their entire existence summed up in one day. And they are actually happy with it.

Next on agenda is his idiotic habit of trying to do too many things at the same time. He clearly believes in sailing in multple boats. Its like playing twister, with each colored dot in a different boat. And since all the boats are independent and have different rowing mechanisms, he invariably falls. And the worse bit is that he refuses to learn from his mistakes. Reminds me of Sisyphus. Damn .. the damned rock is rolling down the hill again. Lemme go fetch it. I will be back guys.

And before I end it randomly, here a couple of links (from the same guy) – two of my favorite themes – Simpsons and Super Mario (bonus – flute + beatboxing and piano. More posted here).

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

If Karan Johar can make Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Javed Akhtar can write Kyonki Fighter Hameha Jeet-ta Hai, main kyon nahin kuch likh sakta?

Hasratein hain. Khwahishein hain. Sapne hain.
Talash hai manzil ki.
Nikal pada hoon ghar sey. Bhataknay ko.
Sapnon kay pass. Apnon sey door.

Kuch hai to sirf ye door tak jaati lambi sadak.
Chal raha hoon.
Kabhi savariyon par. Kabhi apne kadamo par.
Kabhi kama kar. Kbhi udhaar par.

Raste main chand meel kay pathar mile.
Kuch acche lage. Kuch par main ruka.
Kuch pay log ruke they. kuch par logon nay roka.
Kuch nay kuch kisse sunaye. Maine kuch kahaniya.
Kuch der baatein hui. Kuch der chala silsil.

Kuch der baad fir kuch sapna aaya.
Fir chal diya.

Kuch der kuch log saath chale. Kuch der akela chala.
Kuch kahaniya yaad rahi. Kuch kisse bhool gaya.

Akela nikla tha. Kuch der kuch saathi mile.
Kuch kuch der saath chale. Kuch beech main kahin aur chal pade.

Bas rah gayi ye sadak.
Ye raaste.
Woh anjaai manzil.
Aur khoob saare sapne.

Kuch feedback?

Crib Crib Crib Contd

Crib Alert: Higher. Read at your own risk.

Continuing with the previous rant, next on agenda is the society of mutual admiration. I have spoken about this earlier as well. Its funny how it is self propagating till the egos reach an astronomical proportion. Initially cooperating and then eventually competing with each other. Right now, from what I can see, that transition from cooperating to competing has begun. And the games would get only interesting.

Next up is affinity to the Fourth Estate. All the experts, on the Internet, off the Internet, in our minds, in their minds are on one hand proclaiming that they are not here to get famous. And on the other hand, everyone wants their 15 seconds of fame. Even if those 15 seconds are buried on the nineteenth page in the bottom corner in microscopic font, it shall be put highest on the long list of similar achievements.

Achievements is yet another aspect. I have met people who have started three companies and hence they are experts on starting up. All three had to shut down is a different story. Then I have met people who have been blogging for 8 years now and hence they are India’s first bloggers. Then I met this girl who is an awesome public speaker and her claim to fame is that she manages a school for the underprivileged. And this in her opinion makes her an authority on NGOs in India. If someone asked her where do NGOs file their returns, she would not know as she is not a “business person”. Then my best friend is a property dealer in Greater NOIDA and hes been doing it for about 11 years now. And he thinks he is the next KP Singh. There are plenty of such examples. Reminds me of that book, Extraordinary popular delusions. In this case, they are not really popular delusions, but, personal ones. If Mr. MacKay was alive, I would have pleaded him to write a version.

Last agenda on this long rant is lack of opportunities to broaden my horizon that universities and companies in the west provide in abundance. For us Indians, education is something that you get over with in one stretch (typically end with a MBA, MCA, MTECH, MD etc). And then you start working. Studying for few years, taking a break, working, traveling, cooing back to study et al are alien concepts. If you are 27 and you did your MBA three years ago, sitting at home to figure out your next career step is nothing less than a cardinal sin that even a dip in holy Ganges might not help. One might argue there are people who are doing it now. But what percentage of the population? And why? This is a different tangent all together. Lets not go there.

Coming back, so once I start working, its an absolute no-no to stop, identify/learn/develop a new skill and change your industry etc. Even if I want to remain in the “industry” I am in (we don’t look at life and work as separate entities), advancement means promotion. Thats it. We don’t care if we advance the industry/profession or contribute something to it. All we want to do is reach the next level, faster than our peers. After all if pados kay sharmaji ka beta is a National Sales Manager at 28, there is no way I can be just a Regional Sales Manager. Universities here shrug you off moment they confer the degree/diploma on you. Universities abroad offer an environment where you can grow. Where you contribute. Where you learn even after you have been awarded that diploma.

Again, have to cut it short. Probably a part three might come soon. Like Moby asked, why does my heart, feel so bad?

Crib Crib Crib

Crib Alert: High. Proceed with caution.

Every person I meet in Delhi, or met in Mumbai while I was there, they start by asking a question. What do you do? And basis of that answer, they would create a character sketch for me and decide how open/close they would be with me while discussing things. So, when I was part of Creativeland Asia, it was far easier to get access to people and their thoughts. I would say that I belong to KM function at CLA and people would be falling head over heals to spill out even their bedroom secrets. Now that I am running Cyntax when I actually say that I am running a small web design business, they shun me out. They even take their websites offline, lest I read em!

I don’t understand. Why is it not acceptable to people if you are confused? Or directionless? Or fickle-minded? Or chase dreams? Or have that poetic Bawra Man? I mean its my life. As long as I can deliver what I am promising, why cant they accept me being fickle? Dint these same people yell out in appreciation when Steve asked us to Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish? Or it is that they preach something and practice something else?

I was being a vegetable in my previous job and people thought I was the best thing to have happened to intellectual world since Dilbert!. And now that when I am actually thinking and trying to do interesting stuff, no one sees the pattern in chaos and I am dismissed as one of those million other mom and pop web designers who would work for cheap. GUYS, FOR CHRIST SAKE I AM NOT GOING TO REMAIN A WEB DESIGNER FOR REST OF MY LIFE. ITS A STOP-GAP ARRANGEMENT.

Coming onto the second issue at hand. Prestige. I mean what is it with people on the Internet and their egos? Why cant they for once talk without being diplomatic/political as if I issued them a Miranda (“Anything you say, can or will be used against you in a court of law .. “) before we agreed to speak? They want to be in good books of everyone they meet. I mean that is fine but if you keep doing that then you would some day hit a dead end. No advancements happened in the world when things were in accord. If everyone is content and praising everyone, you promote mediocrity. You return to the mean. You become average.

And what prestige are we talking about here folks? By definition, prestige is what other people think of you. And then not-by-definition, people think of you as something/someone, they say something else (read second issue above) when they meet you, they say something else when they dint meet you, do something else and in effect, something else happens. If I could summarize, prestige is what you think you have created in other people’s mind and more often than not, it would not be what you wanted to create.

Guruji says and I concur, everything is temporary, Anichaya. You either move first and fast. Or you perish. (Darwin?). These people need to understand that till the time they hear negative feedback, they cant move ahead. Start accepting things guys. Take criticism well and improve.

Somethings wrong with me or what? Sigh. Waiting for Sweet November (imdb).

P.S.: This is not over. I need to rush for a client meeting. Will come back and add more ;P

Crib crib crib

Sunday mornings. Ideal time to relax, read, watch movies, laze around, eat, get a massage, get my hair cut, sleep etc. Right now, its 10 AM, I have just woken up, already late for office, I can hear my parents watching TV, the phone ringing incessantly, a water bottle by side, and thinking about issues as random as life, the futility of it all, QLC, work, celebrities, silver spoons, people who have it easy,

A Sunday morning rant. At best.

P.S.: I have realized that I do now have a distinct writing style. All I need to do is find some people who like what and the way I write. Then chase a publisher. And then publish a book.