Depression

The last few days…

Hola amigos! Wassup?

No, I am not learning French. Or whatever that language is. I just wanted to change the salutation that I use to start a post with. You know, its getting boring with these numbers. Wait. What number is it today? 47 I think.

So, here’s the thing. When we started with this lockdown, I thought that I’d be able to manage the solitude, the ambiguity, the distance from all the things that I love (no, I am not missing people, to be honest), and all that. And I think I was ready to brave the break. And honestly, it did work well. Till the last couple of days. Or may be three. Not sure. But as we speak, I know I can feel the effect of this lockdown. I need to step out. And I will probably try an outing tomorrow.

But before that, since this is something that is affecting my head, I need to find a way to fix it. Afterall, I am a padha likha samajhdaar aadmi na! So, I am going to subject myself to shit that I recommend to others.

Here’s my self-diagnosis.

A. Are you working out?

No, I am not. I was, till about three days. No no, my workout do not mean that I go gymming. But I do try and walk about 10000 steps every day.

B. Are you aiming for a goal at the beginning of each day? You know, making meaning outta your life?

Most days yes.

Last few days, no.

C. Is it work that is affecting your sanity?

Nope. There is no work.

Events 🙂

D. Did you have an argument with your loved ones? Significant others?

Nah. The ones that I care for, they are ok. I am talking to them ok.

The ones that I want to care for, not fought with them either. So that’s cool.

E. Are you eating well?

No I am not. Not at all. In fact, am eating more crap than ever. In the last three days, I’ve had popcorn, paranthas, chole bhature, samosas, Maggi and I don’t know how much bread. Pots and pots of coffee. And thankfully, no diet coke. Phew. Need to cut it. Need to get back to IF. I thnk how I ate over the last few days reflect how I feel. And how I feel affects how I eat. It is so connected!

F. Is it a one-time thing? An isolated incident? Or has it been happening regularly over the last few days?

I think its a one-off. I have been pretty much ok if I ignore the last few days!

G. Ok. Do freewriting about things that are creating the muck in your head?

Ok. This will be tough. Quite a few things. For starters, I am not sure where am I headed in terms of my career. In the sense, there are a million things that I work on and none of those make either the impact or the money. And I am not sure how long can I keep going without a tangible output. I like results, you know.

Plus the moves that I’d made, investments that I’d made in people and ideas and projects seem to be sliding away. And this is not new. I have fucked up in the past as well. To a point that I’ve questioned my very identity. But back then, when things went south in the past, I have been ok with those. I am mostly ok with maintaining a stoic distance.

Also, I am an ageist. I am past my useful age. I’ve mostly been vocal about my age and the urgency with which I need to work. This lockdown and the disappearance of work has made me ponder if I were slow all this while! Do I need to fast forward and put more pressure? On myself? On the people that I work with? Do I need to work harder? Or do I merely wait for life to pass by and remain a “potential”? I mean I am done with 3/4th of my life. And COVID is making it apparent that life is uncertain (not that I did not know this prior to the crisis). So, do I just wait and die an anonymous death? Or do I try and make some movement happen? And go out and try to make that dent. Of course, these dents are meaningless in the large scheme of things but I am human. I want to be able to get others to do more with their lives. I am after all supposed to represent the idea of opportunity. I mean I was to be that outsider that hustled hard to do the impossible and while he was on the journey, inspired others, created opportunities for everyone around him, and ultimately made the world a better place!

Ok, these were large issues. Simple things like ticking things off a checklist are not happening. I have not moved an inch on my book, leave alone other projects. I am not sure what is it that I am struggling with.

Apart from these, I am of course fucked about the money situation but then that’s ok. It will be ok. Someday. Hopefully, sooner.

Rest I dont know.

H. Do you feel good now that you have poured your emotions out?

No! Maybe I will be once I wake up tomorrow. May be I need to take a break tomorrow?

I. Anything else?

Nah.

This looks like one of those freak times.

That’s about it for the time being.

***

So, that was self-diagnosis.

Not sure if it was any use.

I mean I did get a post going out on the day – that in itself is the reward 🙂

Chalo, over and out.

Oh, and please do note that this is NOT a plea for help.

NO, I am not down and out.

And YES, I will be back.

I think I am just missing Diet Coke ;P

Chalo, till next time.

Previous posts that I wrote during the lockdown are – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37, 39, 45.

Rant – 8 Jul 2019

Ranty post ahead. Talks of things that may not be polite or nice or good. Read at peril.

So, few things happened in the last few days that have pushed me to the edge, if there is an edge. No, I did not want to jump over something. Just that it was stifling, for the want of a better word. You know, how life could be unfair? If the last few days is any indication, life IS unfair. And is probably meaningless. So so many things happened that left me listless. Lemme talk of each of those in short.

A, A friend is going through a bad breakup. The girl is clinically unwell and seeing a doctor. The guy is ok but his parents are unwell and is at hospitals all day long. I am one of their common friends and I thus know both sides of the story. And its a stalemate – it is not going anywhere, both of them know about it but hoping to not accept it. I wish I could fix it. Two great people. In pain. For no rhyme or reason.

B, Someone I knew about and had exchanged a few tweets with passed away. No, I did not know the guy. I knew of him. Just that he was everything that I’ve ever wanted to be – nice guy, chasing fitness, restauranteur, helpful (he would help everyone that needed help), married to the love of his life, hustler, stood up for times when he was wrong, celebrated awards that his restaurant would get and so on and so forth. Because I knew of him on Twitter, while he and his life are familiar, he was still a stranger to me. And despite that, when he passed away, it came as a shock to me. He was young and he was a great guy. And you know, bad things aren’t supposed to happen to great people. But it did. Life is fucking unpredictable, unfair and terribly short! Wish I could undo it!

C, Work hasn’t been great lately. I am working on this project that I really want to do well and despite all my attempts, I am failing at it. To a point that I am doubting my abilities. I anyway suck at BD and when I can’t seem to deliver on a project, I get jacked in my head. My work is really really important to me and it sucks when I suck at it. And it sucks all the more that I don’t know how to fix it 🙁

D, Something happened with this group of friends (no, can’t talk about it here – this is reserved for sgEchoChamber) that made me realize that I do not have any close friends. I am just a convenient acquaintance to most people I call a friend. And the stupid part is that I’ve molded my entire life hoping to be of use to people I call friends!

E, I’ve been unwell for far too long. And there’s a different thing every goddamn time. Like this recent trip to Delhi (more about it in a bit), every time I’d sit in a cab, I’d feel pukish. Every time I’d eat something oily, I’d want to die. And this was coming on the back of that week when I feel sick. So, that’s not been cool either.

F, the only thing that was working out was the letters that I would send and the connections I made from those. Those too sort of stopped once I was in Delhi. Blame it on travel and general fuckery of the mind.

Lemme talk about Delhi. So I had this meeting on a Tuesday and I decided to stay back the week. And I did. Met old friends and acquaintances. Jammed with them – it helped because they don’t see me on a day to day basis, they could see things from an emotionally detached space. And thus, got tons of ideas. Which was a great thing to get some much-needed distraction!

I also realized that I probably will never be the Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or Elon Musk. Heck, I won’t be Paul Graham ever. Leave him aside. I won’t even be an Indian Internet Entrepreneur that impacts things at scale. And it’s not a great feeling to realize that you will not be what you ~~thought~~ knew you were all your life!

So yeah. These and other such things kept me awake. Pushed me to the edge.

And while I was thinking about things and writing this, I realized that I ought to be so thankful about my life. And about all the opportunities that come my way. And now that I am trying to get out of the slumber, I think I will have to be faster and lot on point.

Guess these are the rude shocks that I needed to be able to make my life better and larger and all that? No?

The Daily Grind – 2722 – 200718

Day 11.
As I write this, its 10:52. About an hour from the impending deadline for the day. Which is ok. I think I work better when the deadlines are hovering over my head. The point is that I am consciously trying to publish a piece every day. Which, given the life that I lead is next to impossible.

And yet, here I am. Doing it. I agree that most pieces that I write may not qualify as quality content. But like I keep saying, I am the kinds that needs to put in hours and hours before I get some good content that could engage someone for even 4 seconds!

In terms of the day, it was a pretty routine day. Woke up rather late, went for a meeting, had eggs for lunch and dinner. Had 3 Diet Cokes. Made a few phone calls that were pending for sometime. Got some work done. Moved the needle on one of the projects. And of course a lot of other projects are open. So that’s something that I need to fix as we go along. Who’s we? Main aur meri tanhai. Lol.

Moving on. As I was writing this, I realised that I some travel coming up (Delhi and Kolkatta) in the next few days. Delhi is as early as the next week. And if all goes well, I could be in Chennai as well in the next week. All of this is work. Lets see how that pans out. In case you are in any of these cities and want to catch up, please do lemme know. Who are you kidding Mr. G? Who the F reads your blog?

Ok people may not read the blog. But that does not mean that you will not write. The intent of this 1000 words a day pact is to sharpen the muscle and see the extent to which I can push myself. I keep telling myself that I am very strong willed and this is one sure way of testing that will!

So yeah. That.

And in terms of other updates, a lot hasn’t changed since yesterday. I am still the same – happy, sad, excited, scared, careless, cheerful and all that. Bipolar anyone?

Thing is, this pouring of random words on a public medium is an interesting idea. This makes me blurt out things that are clouding my head. And while writing, once I get in the flow, I often write things that I dont even know are fucking with my head. So, this is therapeutic in a way. And this also means that this exposes my vulnerabilities to the world – which is not a great thing. Especially if you have the grandiose ambitions like mine. I am often asked about my plans to reach my ambition and I dont have an answer. In an ideal world, you ought to be doing this blurting out in front of the ones that you know will stand by you. And this is where I suck. People that will stand by me.

This also brings me to the lesson for the day.

So, what did I learn today?
I learnt that no one cares for you. Apart from you, no one is responsible for your success or happiness. No I am not talking about me per se. But about people in general.

How did I learn this?
I was talking to Krishna about the post I made yesterday and I realised that while he wants to help me but he can do only as much. He can give me inputs and talk to me and give me the emotional support that I need but he will not quit what he’s doing to stand by my side! Will I stand by his side? Not really. But I will stand by a LOT of people. All of my ex-bosses for example. They’ve given me long leashes and if anyone is in trouble, I will do whatever it takes to fix things for them. Even if I cant fix things, I will ensure that I try hard.

That.

I dont have one person like that. I have great friends and others that are invested in my success but I really need people who make me their number one priority. Or a cabal where we are a clique and everyone is taken care of and does well and stands by each other. You know what I am saying? Guess this TED talk by Derek could help? Or may be its only about creating reputation for yourself? May be. May be not. Time shall tell.

And till tomorrow, this is over and out!

The Turbulence Overreaction

I am at the Mumbai airport, waiting for a flight. I’ve just realized that I have lost yet another pair of sunglasses. Typically, I am not this careless but fact remains that I’ve lost a pair. I need to work on my brain and ensure that the muscle doesn’t atrophy. Need to pick a new hobby or something. May be get back to making a memory palace?

Apart from this, the other thing that’s fresh on my head this super crazy turbulence yesterday. The plane was in free fall for a few nano-seconds and it was scary like a bitch. In all the flights that I have taken, this was probably the scariest of them all (there was one where masks had dropped from the ceiling but I dont recall those). Thing is, I was not really afraid (I knew at the back of my head that this shall pass) but I was worried that all the things that I’ve wanted to do (primarily #book2, a billion dollars and an attempt at the Everest), what happens to those?

Of course I came out unharmed — statistically air travel is the safest mode of transportation — and I can go back to working on things that I’ve wanted to work on. But the flight was scary to the extent that since the flight, I’ve read a lot of articles about turbulence and air pockets.

Apart from rant about my balls that shrunk like raisins, the flight did make me realize something. That life’s unpredictable. You better live each moment up to the fullest potential. And that means while you plan for the future and all that, you better ensure that each moment that you are alive is worth the opportunity. Ought to stop doing things you don’t want to do.

Which brings me to the existential question. Why do I exist? While I love the concept of doing my own thing, truth be told, I am still a slave to a comfortable salary, thanks to largesse of this dude. If not for him, I would probably be scrambling to make ends meet. And I am amongst the luckiest people to have the unconditional patronage of someone with means. And I ought to make the most of it. And not get lazy or complacent. Like this turbulent flight, each incident reinforces the belief that I need to do more with life. Much more than what I am doing right now.

Come to think of it, if I could change a few things, what would those be?

For starters, I need to get more work out. I ned to ship more. In whatever shape or design or format. Could be a blogpost, a book, a project, a startup, a brand. Something that comes out fast. Something that inspires others. More importantly, something that inspires me! Must create things that inspire me. And what could those be? I have no clue!

I have done this exercise a million times, if not more times. Each time I come back with two answers. A, I don’t know what I want in / from life. B, if I go by signs, what I am doing right now, is what I ought to be doing!

So, all I need to do is, bid my time and wait for the right opportunity to come my way. It’s a matter of time when things fall in place and I will have a life of abundance. Abundant time, money and energy to do all the million things I want to do.

The other way to do this is that I go all-in with whatever little I have. That means I gather all my money (sell all the stock I have, liquidate the tiny FD that I have and take back the money I have invested in C4E) and chase a large dream. I will either end up super rich and would have made an impact and die a satisfied old man. Or I will be a pauper with no money to my name and will die a man who’d have to work hard to make ends meet. In either case, when I die, I hopefully wont have any regrets.

Thing is, I am 34. Will be 35 in less than a quarter of the year. And at the age of 35, while people like Zuck are working towards becoming the presidents and all that, here I am, talking about my existential dread. Now, I can take solace in the fact that Col Sanders was 143 years old when he started KFC and Sam Walton was 832 years old when he did Walmart. But I know that I have lost the damned rat race. Instead of making a difference to the world, lives of people, I am ranting about things that no one even cares about!

I mean, why go far to Facebook and Zuckerberg and all that. I am at the airport and there is this Spa, O2. Right outside, I see a blind man, dressed up in uniform of O2, talking to himself and being happy for no reason. Compared to him, I am a loser at so many levels. Everyone else is a winner! O2, for giving employment to people with alternate skills. The blind man, for accepting that he’s been dealt a raw hand and being happy about things. The friends around the man who are humoring him. And above all, the fact that despite so many people who need opportunities, fate brought him in touch with O2. Can I not do something similar? Where I help people have lost on the Ovarian Lottery and make some money in the process?

And why is money important? It enables you to buy happiness. Case in point? Last weekend along with 15 other people that I care for (yes 15), I went on this holiday where we stayed at a super expensive hotel and had everything taken care of! All of it was enabled by the fact that we had access to money that we were ok spending. Agreed that people find happiness in small things and can live without going to fancy hotels or clean beaches or serviced rooms or great food. I have been on that side myself. But now that I have little extra cash to be able to afford a better lifestyle, I can safely say that the happiness derived from the ability to buy the best the world has to offer, is unparalleled.

Of course to be able to travel, you often have to take a flight.

Aur, udaan hai to turbulence hai.
Turbulence hai to fategi.
Fategi to yaad aaega, ki life main karna kya hai.
Yaad aaega to kuch karoge.
Lekin kya?

The unconnected unrest – Part 2

Part 1 is here.

Last night, I slept at 730. I woke up at 630 this morning. Thats 11 hours of sleep. No, I am not to sleep for this long. Like Frank, I have often hated the necessity of sleep. And food for that matter.

The thing is, I’ve always got by with limited amount of sleep. My metabolism is reasonably high and I can function pretty well even when I’ve slept for 4ish hours. Just that I cant tolerate garmi. Rest is ok. Most people who know me know that I dont sleep much. And when I tell them that there are days when I sleep for 11-12 hours, they get surprised.

And honestly, I surprise myself as well. A, I dont get enough air in my lungs to be able to sleep for that long, thanks to my nasal polyp. And B, I have a million things happening right now (between AWSL, Book 2, C4E, xT etc). So, I know that I could rather work and not sleep. Like I say, sleep is such a waste of time!

I did what I do when I get some ailment. I decided to read on the Internet about the probable reasons. And I found that if you sleep for that long, you are either tired. Or depressed. Take a pick 🙂

The other non-scientific reason is that I dont have a computer. That means I cant work or entertain myself. For me work = reading, writing, connecting people etc. Entertain = youtube, TED, Big Bang and now that 5th season is out, a date with Claire and Frank. Both happen over the Internet. And Internet means Computer.

Coming back to sleep. I am sleeping a lot and it sucks. And no, I am not enjoying all the freshness that you get after sleeping for that long. Oh, I do remember some of the dreams. One of them featured me left at an unknown place with tight alleys with dogs roaming around. And I change my path because I am scared of dogs. Even in the dream, I am telling myself that I need to confront my fears (I have actually become a motivational speaker). The other dream, I dont recall now but I saw a friend – Nalin taking a chartered flight to somewhere.

. . .

Anyhow. I dont know what to write. The mind is THAT blank in absence of the computer. And here are some unrelated thoughts.

1. Since I moved all my data to cloud (Google Drive, Dropbox, Evernote et al), I had assumed that I can work from any location, on any device. I was so wrong. I need MY laptop, MY settings, MY table to be able to function. I so need to change this in case I want to become time and location independent.

Or may be because I am on a Windows machine and its super inefficient, it is tough to get things done? I worked on a Mac and while I missed my files, once I was logged into Chrome, I got access to all my files (including bookmarks etc).

And no, I suck at using the phone for work. Like really do.

2. For me, work has always been on a computer. I cant fathom what work could get done without a computer. The ball does NOT move unless its marked on a to-do list. And for work, since I have always been on strategy side, most output is measured on Powerpoint presentations and Excel sheets. I dont do any REAL work per se. May be thats why I failed with 5×5. In fact as I gear up for xT, I need to be able to learn how to work without a computer as a lot of work would be on the ground.

3. Why do I write this blog? Its like an echo chamber. Where I talk to myself. I could be doing this in between the pages of a notepad. Or on a secret folder buried deep into a laptop. But I like the idea of making thoughts public. I love the concept of serendipity. Someone could read this and connect with me for something unrelated. Life is anyway a huge punt. Why not keep enough and more doors and windows and crevices and nooks open? Let new things come in and then grab them by the…

Oh, I write this on insistence of Vivek. He is probably the only reader that I have left. But then who cares about the readers – I write foe the sake of writing. Writing helps me clear my head. Writing helps Vivek stay unbored. And those are more than enough reason to continue to write.

Thats it for the day. Catch you tomorrow. Or may be not. If I am forced to work on Windows machine!

The Sleeping Pattern Puzzle

Last few days (about a couple of weeks), I have been having weird sleeping patterns. I dont have data but I suspect that I am not sleeping well. Sidenote 1. Get a sleep tracker to find what is wrong where. Which one to get? iWatch? Fitbit?

I am awake most of the night and when I do get into the REM cycle (do I?), it is not really “fulfilling.” I dont seem to recall my dreams (earlier I could – I actually kept a dream journal for a bit). I dont get up energized and all that.

Thing is, I actually love to sleep, I know about the benefits of the sleep. But I still maintain that sleep is an inefficient body function (like hair and nails – we are way beyond on the evolution curve where we need hair or nails). All we have is about 70 years (unless all the attempts to elongate the human life fail) and sleeping takes away 1/3rd of our productive time (of whatever is left after 1/3rd of our life spent chasing education).

Coming back, I dont know what causes my general lack of sleep. No, I dont suffer from Monday Blues or something. I am not sure if I am depressed. Sidenote 2. Get a professional to do a check up. My bed is comfortable. There is no TV or any other screens in the bedroom. I stop using my phone about 15 minutes before I want to sleep. I have AC set on 22. The room is relatively dark. I have a bedsheet handy in case I feel cold. I am hydrated and keep a bottle of water on the bedside. I dont like the fan so there is no winds to rustle up and disturb me. There is enough space in the room. You see, I have every ingredient that you need to get a good nights sleep.

But, I dont get sleep.

There is no worries that keep me up at night, except my lack of achievements despite my age. I am in reasonably good health, except that I am 84 KGs – which is more or less the weight I’ve had since I can remember. I have enough money to quit doing what I am doing and live for two years with the same sort of lifestyle.

And yet, I dont get sleep.

It could be my nasal polyps that prevent me from sleeping well. But then we can breathe in from the mouth and that sort of helps me breathe. Since I refuse to go to a doc, I am on alternative remedies. I tried going to a homeopath but I cant seem to stick to a schedule of taking meds. So, I am trying steam. I will graduate to a Neti pot if I see advantages in a steam. And then take it from there. But then I have a deadlines impending (of the Everest) and I cant wait forever. So, fix the shit! Sidenote 3. If the nostril does not open by end of July, go get a surgery done.

So, yeah! This is it. My sleeping disorder. In as much glory and with as many facts as I could muster.

Why am I #foreverAlone?

Been meaning to write this post for ~~almost~~ more than a week. As I write this, I am at an empty office, not wanting to go home (because there’s nothing to do at home) and finding excuses to delay the inevitable. So, here it goes.

Disclaimer: This is probably one of the most depressing posts that I’ve written ~~in a while~~ ever. A HUGE huge crib alert. PLEASE read at own peril. Graphic content ahead. Extremely personal. Judge me if you will but this is me. My truest thoughts and feelings. In black and white. Of course, I will try to cover up this post with an extremely cheerful one (to maintain balance – if nothing else). But before that I need to pour my heart out. And I don’t have anyone else to share with but the pseudo-anonymity of this blog.

Last Monday, I was in Bangalore (because I was transporting a car) and I was super excited to meet some really good friends. I also had made plans of meeting up with some fans of #tnks (yes! there are some).

And for a change, there were no hiccups and I did all that I had planned.

In fact, I loved the day I spent at Bangalore. I am beginning to think of Bangalore as my secret love affair (the way Delhi is my identity and Mumbai is my life). So, the weather was perfect. I did not get stuck in traffic. The credit card worked, the free wi-fi was fast, I wore shorts all day long. Etc. Etc.

Started the day by spending the first few hours at a Starbucks, working. Then lunched with a really really dear friend – met her after ages. Followed by a coffee at a fancy hotel with a reader. And then the evening snack with a fan at one of the most famous watering holes in Bangalore. I even played a game of pool, that I lost terribly (I need to pick up the cue all over again and get back to the game).

After the game when the beer started flowing, things went out of control. I had one drink too many.

If you know me, you would know how much I loathe people who consume alcohol beyond their limits. And I did that. And like all drunkards, I puked all over the place. I detested it but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Thankfully I had enough sense to not spew on my clothes or at the houses of others. It’s a miracle how I took an Uber, a flight and eventually a rick to reach home. The next 4 days that followed, were nightmarish.

They’ve been so bad and so gloomy that I want to hide under a thick quilt and not emerge out of it. And I hate it when I am like that. I do everything it takes to not go down that lane.

Brings me to the first resolve of this post. I will not ~~consume~~ indulge alcohol ever again. In any shape or format.

Continuing.

So while I drove the 1000 KMs to Bangalore and when afterwards I was sick of all the alcohol, a few realisations happened. I mean what else do you do when you are unwell? All you are left capable to do is puke, make attempts at eating (and vomiting out whatever little you’ve eaten) and ruminate about the days gone by, trying to relive the good times and creating the fantasy world where all is hunky dory? May be this is why most great poets, authors have / had a problem with alcohol?

Well, I don’t know about them but when I was down and out, I did not get any interesting plots or conversations or brain waves. Like I said, all I got was self-pity, self-loathing and the urge to dig a hole, hide deep in it, close the entry with an immovable rock, shovel it with some snow and grow a huge banyan tree over it. And stay shut in it. Forever.

Not one thought was a happy one. In fact I think the gloomy mood of the last few days has been induced by alcohol and all these sad thoughts. May be it’s a feedback loop. Whatever it is, I have to confront it. I need to pour it out. Can’t keep in my system.

One of things I realised was, I’ve left just too many open windows. And I’ve never been the kinds to leave so many of these open. It sucks to know that you agreed to help someone and then you did not get back to them or deliver. I know how it feels when something you count on does not pan out. I dont want to be to the source of someone’s disappointment. I really need to apologise to everyone. If you are reading this and I haven’t got back to you, I apologise.

Of course you judge people on the basis of their actions (not words). Thus, the second promise to myself. I need to learn to say no. Even if that makes me less likeable. I havent had a foggiest clue as to why I have this thing where I want to be liked by people?

Dont know. Moving on.

The next thing that makes me miserable is this thing about constant comparison with others. I know I have achieved less than others (self-pity alert) and you know what? I love to flaunt it! I mean I have reduced this to an extent but I am yet to stop. And honestly, I can’t seem to stop it.

In fact, as I write this, there is this thought in my head that people younger than me, people who more troubles than me, people who seem to be on their own, say SamA, think deeply about things that could impact others. Then there are people like Lalit who’ve taken their passions and haven’t waited for any vindication before launching their careers! They just do. I just whine. Like a 6-year old. For no reason. sgMS is right. I am yet to see real life and if these simple things can break me, maybe I dont have any right to believe that I can change the world!

So, thing # 3. I need to stop comparing myself. And thing # 4, need to realise that there are bigger things than I.

Next, like they say, when things go tough, tough gets going. Everyone around me is giving me a hard time for some reason. From my yoga teacher to my partner to my vendors to my clients to my team to my parents to my accountant to sgMS and even I myself am giving a hard time to me. And funny thing is, this is when I need people around me. I need a shoulder. I need support. When I dont have anything to look up to. I mean there is no unicorn happening. The book is delayed. There is no sight of the reason. There is no meaning.

I could take shelter in work. But that too is stalled. Not stalled per se but needs solid intervention. I have so so so many things happening at work front. I desperately need to hire and I can’t find people. I know I cant pay well. I know I am not as inspiring as Steve. Or even Raj for that matter. And the vision that I have for what I do is very very utopian at best.

Apart from pulling up my socks when it comes to work, I need to up my game. And I am struggling with it. I talked about it last month as well. And even though its been more than 30 days since, I am still struggling. Need to end the struggle and get some real action. Real inspirational work. Real dent.

But, I am aware enough to know that its super tough. And I know my limitations. I dont know how people do things by themselves – all those entrepreneurs, scientists, athletes etc. I dont know how those lone nuts pull through things. I need to either learn from them. Or I need a Warren. Or a Charlie. Even a Watson would do.

Thing is, most of my friends are merely marriages of convenience. I do not have any close friends – the kinds they write about in books and movies. And I know secretly crave for some. I really want to be a part of a cult, some gang, something where I belong. And the belonging goes more than just a tattoo on the right-hand sleeve.

Not just the friendship bit, in general loneliness sucks. May be, just may be, I am ready for a relationship, a marriage (I know this is song for my parents’ ears).

But this feeling of loneliness is a one off thing that I get when I am unwell. So may be not. Do I want a relationship on the days that I am well? I dont know. I guess I am too old for anything meaningful. I mean I am 33 already. And if not there, then almost at the halfway mark. Why would I even bother. The way these years have gone by, the others will too. No?

Brings me to that eternal debate, the never-ending thread that holds me hanging onto and wanting to let go of everything I do – What is the purpose? What is the meaning of all this? Why do we exist? What’s the reason? Any sages? Or do I go back to Guruji‘s wise words and assume that this too shall pass?

Anyone?

P.S.: This post is not meant to be a piece of exaggeration. I really am sorry for have wasted a week of my life and a very very important one at that (I had a very important event that I missed). Unrelated, someone I know (a friend’s husband who has observed me from far) quipped that I am a high-functioning sociopath. May be I am. And may be that’s why sgMS went away. May be that’s why I dont have a Warren. May be that’s why I am #foreverAlone?

P.P.S.: No, I do not want your sympathy or attention. If you can read this with equanimity, thank you. If you can’t, please do not lend a shoulder or a glass.

The inconvenient truth…

…of being a self-employed dude trying to run a services business is… that it sucks. Running a business I mean.

Thing is, the days are really long. And short at the same time. Long because you start work at 7 in the morning and end at… well, you don’t end. Short because there is so much to do that at any given point in time you have 20 thing that require your attention as of yesterday. There is little room for being organised – everything is last minute, it’s a constant battle between cashflow that is running out fast and the plug of hope that every phone call brings along.

Of course I chose this life. I could’ve taken the easy path where a cushy job would allow me the luxuries of life and a weekend where I’d have a huge bankroll and I could take off to the Macaus and Singapores of the world to live it up. But then no, the stubborn me, the anti-establishment me, the dreamer in me refused to heed. And here I am. Struggling hard to make things happen.

May be I am doing this wrong. May be I should have taken the easy way. After all, I dont really have the skills that allow me to make easy money. I haven’t been blessed with looks or with a golden voice or the gift of the gab or a talent with design or writing. Or a last name that allows me to become a pastry chef or the confidence to be a food critic.

As she says, I am at best a fakir. And jugaad. And I need to use these two not-so-desirous things to get things that I want. But then it’s hard to do so when you are so dependant on others for work and for delivery. When the world around you has it super easy and when you question the fairness of it all.

I know I know. Life is unfair and while most days I take it in a stride, today, I cant. I think this is one of those where I could do with a drink. But since I dont, I guess I need a hug.

However…

Pointless!

Source: Unknown

You see the curve? The irregular sinusoidal curve? My mood is like that. I start the day on a high. I make my bed, make a list of things to do, visualize my short-term and long-term goals and go out with all the positivity. I appreciate small things in life – sunshine, birds, trees and the sky. I observe things rather than making a judgement. I dont yell on people and I try and get all the good karma I can.

I feel like the success kid and I am all determined to take on the world!

Life looks rosy and I have this inkling that great things are going to happen to me. In anticipation I start “living” the life that I crave for (a la The Secret). And I open my arms wide and strong, ready to recieve the goodness that the world would apprantly shower on m.

I reach wherever I want to (coffee shop, clients office, borrowed desk) and by the time I arrive, I start falling into this mild, for want of better word, depression. I start questioning the very meaning of what I am upto. Things that I am doing – they dont matter no more. Where I start thinking about the reason of doing things. Where I wonder about the whole damn point of being in a world where life is unfair. Someone like me, who thinks he works harder than anyone else that he knows of, is poor and gets a raw deal all the time. Of course there are great things that has happened to him but overall, in grand scheme of things, he’s got the raw deal. There is no sex or cash, no friends, no future and nothing else to look upto. Everything feels like a futile attempt. Its like staring down the abyss.

The worst part of this feeling is that I am not alone. I know so so many people just like me. The ones who keep trying and keep going on without any hope or any possibility.

But then the selfish fuck in me pushes the pathos for others on a back seat. I concentrate on myself. And I realize that I am unhappy and I am discontent.

There are quite a few reasons for the feeling. The first and foremost is the fact that I did not get lucky with the Ovarian Lottery.
Like the poor kid on the left, in the image on the left, I have had to
climb really steep ladders while I see very average people doing better because they had things served to them on a platter.

The other thing is that I have had to work really hard for every rupee that I’ve earned while the word around me seems to get it easy!

And then my money
does not word hard. For every rupee I spend, I do not get its equivalent worth.

First bit (losing out on Ovarian Lottery) is a random luck. The second is something that
I can control and yet I cant because of the value system that I have
been ingrained with. I wish I could unlearn em. Once a middle class, always a middle class!

When this bout of self-pity gets too much, I stagger to YouTube and fire up the latest Kamal R Khan video and world starts looking bright all over again. Side note: Do see his collection on Youtube if you have time. Here is the link.

I wish I could love myself the way KRK does. In a world where self-love could be so, selfless, nothing can touch you!

But then, moment the video is over, I am back to the gloom of diminishing bank balance, lost opportunities and comparison with friends who are dollar millionaires and yet make a stupid show about their poverty – wish they accepted that they are doing well and stopped pulling legs of people like me who barely get by.

At this point, I try to count my blessings – amazing parents that are so selfless that I dont believe them at times (while I continue to cry about Ovarian Lottery), opportunity to have traveled the world, option to work for myself (and make enough to pay my rent and earn my bread, while sending nothing home), ability to choose the kind of work I want to do (not that what I do has changed the world) and so on and do forth. Side note: Did you notice all the disclaimers?

But then I realize that I am not alone. And I havent done it all. I have a fucking Jack of all trades at best and Jacks often end up as JackAsses. See that lame attempt at pun? And I claim to be an author!

I think I’d end this post with this lame attempt at poetry…

@jasuja ख़्वाब तो रईसों वाले है, हैसियत फ़क़ीरों वाली

— सौरभ गर्ग (@saurabh) December 19, 2015

P.S.: In fact, as I finish writing this piece, I am even wondering about the reason of this blog. I dont think anyone reads what I write (apart from people who land on this page via Google). And I definitiely dont go back to read how I was feeling at some point in the past. May be its just a way to vent? But to what end? Pointless. Like life!

Will you?

I spot a recurring pattern in life. As readers of this blog, you must have noticed it as well. No?

That I play this game of hide and seek on the blog.

And if it’s any consolation, I do it in real life as well.

There are phases when I have this spurt of activity where I get hyper active. I write almost everyday, think of ideas, get some exercise, do a lot of reading, talking, connecting and dreaming. I am in the zone. For days at stretch. I am in this Zen-like mode where nothing seems impossible and I want it all. And I work towards it. I am in the YOLO and FOMO mode and I say yes to everything. I overwork myself. To a point when I start cribbing about how overworked I am and how I don’t have time to sleep. I do so till the time I start enjoying the pain. I am on this trip where pain becomes pleasure and I want more and more of it.

Till something happens and I snap out of it.

The “something” could be as large as the AC not working or as small as wrong signs from Universe. AC is large because I am the kinds that want everything in perfect order to keep me happy. So things like AC, relatives, visitors at home, Internet etc. bug me so much that I want to kill someone. Of course Universe-conspiring-to-give-me-gifts is important as well but I sincerely believe that I amongst the luckiest people. So I tide over that.

So till I snap out of the euphoria, I am getting things done. I am the king of the universe. But when I am out, I have this desperate ~~urge~~ need to crawl in a hole and wait for the winters to end. I sort of want to disappear. I cease all contact with the outside world (except my inner circle) and I don’t want to be touched. I don’t write, I don’t tweet, I don’t post updates on Facebook. I merely become a vegetable and try to exist. Of course if there’s work, I have to live per shenanigans of clients. But I try to not accept work in such phases.

I know it sucks but this is probably that aspect of life that I cant change.

I know it sucks but that’s how I am.

Of course I can blame it on my bipolarity. Or may be on the fact that I really really miss having sgMS around me. Or may be at the lack of direction that my life is flowing in. I can externalize the reasons but there’s no one to blame but me and I will have to live with it.

The thing is, despite all that, as a friend, a reader, a patron, I will have to ask you, request you, implore you to allow me to live with it. Give me my space when I need. And hope that I come back stronger and higher.

Will you?

Jana Gana Mana

Like a lot of other odd things about Mumbai (or may be Maharashtra), if you go to a movie hall to see a movie, they play our National Anthem before a movie. Nothing wrong with it per se. Just that I don’t appreciate when someone forces things on us. After all we are a free country. Wait… are we? Debate for a different time, different day I guess.

Anyhow, so last night, I went to see a movie (don’t ask me who I went with or what movie was it). When the national anthem played, I realized that in last few months, I have stopped bothering about my motherland, thanks to our great democracy, greater politicians, foolish citizens, opportunistic media and foolhardy myself.

But the song, the national anthem, the music brought back a few memories. It moved me. Moved me so much that I had goosebumps. After all, India, my country, my nation, was my first love and since I heard the anthem play after so so long, all the memories that I had of being a passionate and fanatic Indian came rushing back. I remembered that there were times when I picked fights with random strangers if they even flinched while the natinoal anthem was playing. And yesterday, this dude walked up the entire aisle of the hall while the national anthem played on. And I was ok with it.

To be honest, I don’t know what has changed. And I don’t know how it has changed.

And yesterday when I noticed the change, I just dint like it. I dint appreciate it. I guess it’s like aging. You cant tell a moment from another and yet you are moving in some direction. Towards something. Undesirable mostly. Everything remains the same while you are breathing towards your eminent death. You are aging every second and yet you don’t notice it. It’s so slow, so gradual that you cant notice even if you want to. Some say that our body is made up of 100 trillion cells and in one year 95% of those cells are recycled. But when you see your photographs every year, you are are older, balder, bent and frail. And you know the worse part? You can’t do shit about it!

In fact, as I write this, I can actually spot a general pattern. It’s not about just India and the pride of being an Indian. Things that mattered when I was younger have ceased to matter now. I can think of a million examples. Things like money, fame, friends, dreams, aspirations, thoughts, opinions, wants et al. I dont want any of those. I dont chase any of those. I am fine if I die tomorrow and I dont have em.

I guess I have achieved whatever I could have. 32 years is a long enough time to do something worthwhile. If you havent done it in 32, what are the odds you would do them in the next 8. A huamn life is afteall good till you’re 40. After that, well…

And the ones I am indifferent about, guess I cant achieve em. I have actually made peace with the fact that I can never have those things. I’d regret that I couldnt buy a car.

It’s like, I have come to a point where everything is ok. I am merely drifting through life. They call it being a vegetable. I am being a fucking vegetable. I like it or not but that’s how it is. A vegetative state.

I guess the only person to blame is me.

I for some reason don’t have any more emotions (except for #sgMS), any more attachments (except my family) or any more affiliations (except may be MDI). India does not even feature anywhere in the entire thing. In fact if you know me IRL, you will know that I have been trying to move out of India for some time now. However things aren’t working out. Some day they will. Inshallah.

It’s like someone has drained all josh, all junoon from my freaking blood. It just doesn’t come to a boiling point anymore. Bismil, in his wonderful Sarfaroshi Ki Tammanna once said,

जिस्म भी क्या जिस्म है जिसमें न हो ख़ून-ए-जुनून
क्या लढ़े तूफ़ान से जो कश्ती-ए-साहिल में है
सरफ़रोशी की तमन्ना अब हमारे दिल में है
देखना है ज़ोर कितना बाज़ू-ए-क़ातिल में है

I lack that junoon. I need to fucking go hang my balls. Go to Himalayas to retire. Or may be take Jal Samadhi.

P.S.: I dont know if I am seeing patterns where none exist, but today in 1931, three of the most valiant sons of the soil were killed by the British.

The Sleeping Beauty

Ever since I got done with first draft of the book, all and sundry have advised me to not look at the book for a month. And then redo the entire thing. Who am I to not follow the timeless wisdom. As as result, I have a lot more time on my hands now. And what do I do with it? I sleep. Sleep not as in take cat naps but sleep as in sleep like a log. Like this guy, Kumbhakarna used to. 18 or so hours a day. No, I am not exaggerating.

Take last night for example. I had slept at 9. I woke up at 6. Then I slept again at around 11. I just woke up at 4. So from 9 PM last night, I have slept for almost 14 hours. And as I type this, I am sleepy, all over again. Wait, let me get something to eat, been sometime since I have had food.

Back. So you know, may be, just may be I am suffering from clinical depression? They say that if you are depressed you tend to sleep a lot. Or may be its the transition from quarter-life crisis to mid-life crisis that is manifesting itself in sleep?

Or is it that I am suffering from Vitamin D deficiency? The same vitamin that sunlight helps produce. Or synthesize. Or create. Or whatever.

Or its because its winters?

Or is it because I have changed my eating habits drastically and have reduced carb intake to a minimal? I sort of survive on milk. May be its slowing down my metabolism?

I dont know.

Its like playing Roulette. On the ring are a million things that are responsible for my extended bouts of sleep. And I am trying to bet on the one that is responsible. Why bet? Because I want to fix it. I hate to be unwell and I hate to be sleepy, drowsy all the time.

And for the record, when I was young, I could get by with just 3-4 hours of sleep. I thought that sleep was a waste of time. I am sure I would have written a few blogposts about it. But look at me now. Living example of Sloth. Sleeping as if my purpose is to sleep. Like those damn cats!

Oh, damn… There is more to write. I know there is. But I cant think of it. Terribly sleepy. Let me lie down on my bed and write the remaining part. If I dont write things after this, you’d know what happened to me.

Right?