So, there is this tradition at home where all four of us (my parents, my sis and I) come together for Diwali. Well, come together is hyperbole. My parents live together at the place that I call home (in Delhi). My sis and I are often out for work. But wherever we are, we make it a point to come back to Delhi for Diwali. Even if it’s for a day, we come back.
We do the Diwali pooja in our kitchen (used to feel like such a big space when I was a kid; now we hardly fit inside. That’s the thing with spaces – they don’t contract or something, just that we grow up and things that we work with expand).
Digressing.
Coming back.
So, this Diwali was probably the first time all 4 of us weren’t together. My sis is away and it was too impractical and too expensive to come home for the tradition.
And I will not lie but I did feel a lump in my throat for a few seconds when I realized that this year’s togetherness will not be complete. I even imagined that a time would come when none of us would be around and I don’t know who would miss us. Or if there is any meaning to these traditions.
Maybe this is what growing up is. May be this is how the entire world feels like because they don’t have enough things to digress themselves with. You know, if I had things to occupy my head with (work et al), I would probably be too busy to even miss my sis. But work has not been too great lately and that means all I had was emotions. And they were running high! I even wrote a post about it!
That’s the other thing. I have been writing this blog for some 15 years now. And I have remained pseudo-social. I have spoken about things that are personal and that I often don’t tell my friends and all. And I think it has served me well. In the sense, this blog has sort of become that person that I can confide in. I am fucked in the head. I write some stuff here. And then I am ok. This blog is like my best friend that I can confide in and does not judge me and has the answers.
Of course, there are far deeper and darker things that I don’t write on a public platform. I write those on this secret blog that no one has access to. It has things that I would be ashamed of if they were to be published in the newspaper.
But the thing is, as I grow older (and hopefully wiser), I am becoming a lot more comfortable with myself as an individual and with my insecurities and my flaws. I am the way I am. And I want to not hide the flaws. I want to see them in the newspaper. I want to blurt yell at the top of my voice and make the world hear about them.
I know that the business I am in runs on reputation and a lot of people may not want to attach their names with mine if I start living my true self. I already get a lot of flak for the way I dress. I don’t think I can add more eccentricities to it.
But then, as I go along, I think it’s ok. I’d rather be with people that I like to be with and the ones that like to be with me. There are 7bn+ people and the law of numbers dictates that I would find some that respect me for my decisions. And that’s what I want to chase. Fuck the pretense. Fuck the attempts at fitting in. Fuck the conformity. I am going to embrace my individuality and the choices that I believe are worth making.
Wow. I digressed to dunno what level.
When I started writing this, I wanted to write about traditions and how they gain importance as they age and how they add meaning to the lives of people. And how people do irrational things to fit into the world’s view of traditions. And how someone like me who loved to be so rational that I left things behind to chase optimal results could become irrational to follow traditions. I wanted to use the Diwali pooja at home as an excuse to write about emotions and how they are often meant for people that have nothing to look up to. Or forward to. But I don’t know what all I wrote. As I was editing, I realized that I have written about the ideas of conformity and freedom and choice. Heck, are we even free? Fuck, that’s another debate for another time.
For the time being, I think I am glad that I back to writing. Wrote an SoG yesterday after almost 2 months. And today this blogpost. And if time permits, another SoG today.
For the time being, over and out!