Dream Catching

The unconnected unrest – Part 2

Part 1 is here.

Last night, I slept at 730. I woke up at 630 this morning. Thats 11 hours of sleep. No, I am not to sleep for this long. Like Frank, I have often hated the necessity of sleep. And food for that matter.

The thing is, I’ve always got by with limited amount of sleep. My metabolism is reasonably high and I can function pretty well even when I’ve slept for 4ish hours. Just that I cant tolerate garmi. Rest is ok. Most people who know me know that I dont sleep much. And when I tell them that there are days when I sleep for 11-12 hours, they get surprised.

And honestly, I surprise myself as well. A, I dont get enough air in my lungs to be able to sleep for that long, thanks to my nasal polyp. And B, I have a million things happening right now (between AWSL, Book 2, C4E, xT etc). So, I know that I could rather work and not sleep. Like I say, sleep is such a waste of time!

I did what I do when I get some ailment. I decided to read on the Internet about the probable reasons. And I found that if you sleep for that long, you are either tired. Or depressed. Take a pick 🙂

The other non-scientific reason is that I dont have a computer. That means I cant work or entertain myself. For me work = reading, writing, connecting people etc. Entertain = youtube, TED, Big Bang and now that 5th season is out, a date with Claire and Frank. Both happen over the Internet. And Internet means Computer.

Coming back to sleep. I am sleeping a lot and it sucks. And no, I am not enjoying all the freshness that you get after sleeping for that long. Oh, I do remember some of the dreams. One of them featured me left at an unknown place with tight alleys with dogs roaming around. And I change my path because I am scared of dogs. Even in the dream, I am telling myself that I need to confront my fears (I have actually become a motivational speaker). The other dream, I dont recall now but I saw a friend – Nalin taking a chartered flight to somewhere.

. . .

Anyhow. I dont know what to write. The mind is THAT blank in absence of the computer. And here are some unrelated thoughts.

1. Since I moved all my data to cloud (Google Drive, Dropbox, Evernote et al), I had assumed that I can work from any location, on any device. I was so wrong. I need MY laptop, MY settings, MY table to be able to function. I so need to change this in case I want to become time and location independent.

Or may be because I am on a Windows machine and its super inefficient, it is tough to get things done? I worked on a Mac and while I missed my files, once I was logged into Chrome, I got access to all my files (including bookmarks etc).

And no, I suck at using the phone for work. Like really do.

2. For me, work has always been on a computer. I cant fathom what work could get done without a computer. The ball does NOT move unless its marked on a to-do list. And for work, since I have always been on strategy side, most output is measured on Powerpoint presentations and Excel sheets. I dont do any REAL work per se. May be thats why I failed with 5×5. In fact as I gear up for xT, I need to be able to learn how to work without a computer as a lot of work would be on the ground.

3. Why do I write this blog? Its like an echo chamber. Where I talk to myself. I could be doing this in between the pages of a notepad. Or on a secret folder buried deep into a laptop. But I like the idea of making thoughts public. I love the concept of serendipity. Someone could read this and connect with me for something unrelated. Life is anyway a huge punt. Why not keep enough and more doors and windows and crevices and nooks open? Let new things come in and then grab them by the…

Oh, I write this on insistence of Vivek. He is probably the only reader that I have left. But then who cares about the readers – I write foe the sake of writing. Writing helps me clear my head. Writing helps Vivek stay unbored. And those are more than enough reason to continue to write.

Thats it for the day. Catch you tomorrow. Or may be not. If I am forced to work on Windows machine!

The Aviation Abnormality

Funny thing happened. I must have taken some ~~300~~ 200 flights in my life, including 11 in this year alone – thanks to my job as an event manager. And I have never been scared. Even when I took my first flight when I was at MDI.

But for some reason I was scared of this one (I am actually writing this while I am aboard 9W 304 and so far so good – not a single bump so far).

So, why am I scared of this one? You see, I am someone who believes in signs. And I believe in vibes. And feel. And for some reason, I have this really strong feeling that this one isn’t going to be the nicest of flights that I’ve been on. Don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how I know it. I just know. Of course I am often wrong and so far I’ve been proved wrong. Hope I continue to remain wronged till I land. And I post this. I did!

The sign actually came up the day before. There are times when I remember my dreams and day before I saw this weird dream where I was on top of an aircraft for some reason (top as in on the roof of an aircraft that was in the air and doing its thing of flying 30000 feet above the sea level). The aircraft I am on top of, suddenly takes a dip and it eventually crashes into the sea (yes a sea). And as it crashes, like it happens in the movies, I jump off it just at the right time to escape unhurt. I don’t recall the rest of the dream exactly but there was someone else who was on the roof of the aircraft and escaped with me. And I remember pinching myself to check if it were reality and it did feel like real. Damn the vivid dreams.

To cut the long narrative short, I escaped. And for the last 24 hours, I have had this lingering feeling that I am going to be in a place crash. And I was scared before I boarded this one. I am still on the aircraft and I am still writing and it still is pretty smooth so far. But before I boarded, I was scared. Scared out of my life. I actually thought about cancelling the flight – but I cant. I need to earn money to stay afloat. I am paying a lot of money to be able to attend a meeting that can potentially lead to work.

In fact I was so scared the whole day today that I had planned for my folks, my sis and sgMS after I am gone. Though sgMS doesn’t need me, I still ought to think about her. I even thought about the airline I was flying with – Jet Airways. I checked their safety record, thankfully I could not find any reports of a missing Jet Airways jet, unlike the Malaysia Airlines.

The flight is not over yet. I am not done yet. If anything were to happen to me, please see this link. The post has my last and final will that I wrote in all hosh-o-hawas. Mr. Gawri, please ensure that you execute it.

Update: As you would’ve guessed, I did land safely. And here is the post, almost unedited. Guess the dark cloud is over. And trust me guys, I am super serious on this one – while I know that commercial aviation remains the safest most of mass transit, I did feel weird getting into the aircraft. But as I did get in, the familiarity with so many previous flights took over and gave me this sense of comfort. And here I am!

And while we are on the subject, please do read this blogpost by my writing guru.

Untitled. Oct 30, 2014.

I don’t even know when was the last time I posted on this blog (edit note: On 6th Oct). Since the book went live on Amazon and Flipkart, I have spent all my time talking about it, to everyone that I meet. So much so that if you wake me up at the middle of the night, I would rattle that TNKS is the story of one Nidhi Kapoor who happens to be a famous actress…

Most of these people-many are meeting me for the first time-look at me with pity. They are like, “Here’s another misguided soul who thinks that writing could feed his expensive lifestyle.” Some obviously are kind. Take GK for example. He is the first contributor to my campaign to try and raise money for the book. Thanks GK.

To top the misery of ~~marketing~~ hustle (to get the book known by as many people as possible), I just started a new job. It’s been a month and with the Diwali leave and other small leaves, I have spent very few days in office. And, trust me, all those days were so full with work that I did not have time to even die. Writing, reading, meeting people, traveling, thinking, poker and everything else’s now been reduced to things that are meant to be done on weekends. I am now part of the rat race. I am now trapped in that inevitable month-on-month paycheck cycle. A life that I detested all my life. Irony. Guess when they said “never say never,” they said it from experience. It’s like someone’s clipped the wings of a grasshopper. Or a bird. Take your pick. So, yesterday, the monotony of warming one chair with my fat butt got better of me and I left office before the time I was scheduled to leave. Of course I would be reprimanded by HR for it. But what the heck. I am not a slave. I love what the company does but my freedom is more important to me. I left early, came home and fell face first on my hard bed. And no, it did not hurt. It actually felt nice for a change.

It was 7 I think when I forced myself to doze off. The sleep was fitful and I woke multiple times at night. Each time I checked my phone, hoping that #sgMS would have reconciled things and would have asked me to come back. No, she did not send any message. She’d never do something like that. Her pride is far too big for it. I did dream of her though. She and I were on some train journey. Very unlike because I detest long train journeys but I am not complaining. It was a dark night and train was passing over a never-ending bridge, erected on top of some ocean somewhere in Europe. Apart from that faint sliver of moon at some distance, it was a pitch black night. I flipped out my phone to take a selfie, both of us bathed in moon light. But I am klutzy when it comes to camera. So she snatched my phone and extended her smallish arms and took a picture. While she clicked, she squeezed in close to me. I could breathe in her perfume, see that tinge of white hiding behind the thick bun that she loves to tie her hair in. She was close to me than she has been in years. And I wanted the moment to last forever. Ok enough. Just because I am reading my first Mills and Boon does not mean I start writing cheesy things on a public blog. And that too about sgMS.

To come back to the afterlife of being a published author, to be honest, it sucks. While I was writing, I had no one to answer to. No one had any expectations. I broke away from all relationships. I was a free fucking bird. I had saved some and seen the world and all I had to do was write 1000 or so word everyday. The 1000 words were a struggle but every word I wrote brought along elation and excitement and satisfaction. I was rowing my own boat in the vast ocean and it did not matter if the boat stayed afloat or drowned. No one would’ve noticed to be honest. I was truly by myself. I was the master of my time. I could choose what I did.

Now, now that the book is done, I am back to being the chief bread-earner for my family. A side-note on my parents. If not for them, I wouldn’t have been able to lead such a nomadic life. Not nomadic but hippy. Thanks Ma and Pa.

But now that I am back, the grind sucks. The ones I listen to, I goto advice for, my mentors, they tell me that that’s how life is meant to be lived. I refuse to accept. When God, or whoever else made us, he had to have a plan. And that plan definitely could not be as wasteful as spending hours in a room with other people, trying to give wings to other people’s dreams. Damn life. It’s so frivolous and wasteful. Something needs to be done. I don’t know what.

At times I think the ones who are called mad, they probably weren’t mad at all. They were merely taking the world for a ride. That dude Nietzsche said something interesting about such people. He said, “And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” I want to believe that he was right. I want to believe that a lot of people around me are dancing to their tunes and I have no clue as to what they are listening to. Wish I had a tune playing in my head. I could’ve danced to my tune and I could’ve ignored the world around me. But then, the eternal question. Is it what the life is meant for? To take other for a ride?

There has to a way out. Someone has to have answers. Someone must know the meaning of it all. Someone has to solve the conundrum. There are so so many things that are wrong about the world around us. The unfairness of the world, the hazaar khawahishs, the bonds that prevent us from taking wings, the expectations, sgMS, money. There are so many things that I dont have a clue to. Time to seek help? I don’t know. Who’d have answers? Are they easy?

Guess this is what Midlife Crisis is all about?

P.S.: Loved writing this little rant. Oh, the pleasures of venting out. And the pleasures of writing. And the pleasures of a coffee shops. Thanks Starbucks!

P.P.S.: Just updated my bucket list.

Lance, I am with you.

I have always been big on sports and sportsmen. So much so that I have always had this voice at the back of my head that wants me to be a professional athlete. For me, sports are unlike any other human pursuit, for, it is while playing when the true character and strength of an individual is revealed It is while playing that a person can grow individually and in stature. And most importantly it is while playing you can test your limits. Limits of endurance, hunger, achievement and so on and so forth.

Sportsmen, similarly are an awesome lot. They are like average Joe’s who have that dream to do something great. And it is by their sheer grit, determination and hard-work that they do go the extra mile to achieve their dreams and take that shot at glory. Isn’t that what ~~life is~~ movies are made of?

Lance Armstrong

Amongst a long list of illustrious athletes that I admire, Lance Armstrong will always be close to the top. Not because of those 7 Tour De France titles but for all the other things that he has done away from the bicycling arena (the Livestrong Foundation). Reason is more personal that grounded in rational thought. His foundation gave strength when I found myself alone and continues to do so (a really really really good friend suffered from the disease and is back to being normal now. There’s another friend who is on her way to recovery. She would be back to being awesome soon, inshallah). Thing with being alone is that you have people around you and you have all the hopes that the medical advances give you but end of the day, deep down inside, you are left alone to struggle with all the nightmarish thoughts. And this is when you need someone to hold on to. Some call it praying to God, some call it belief, some call it divinity. I dont know what metaphor to use but it would have been really really tough without it.

Coming back, Lance is someone who I’ve always looked upto. I dont know much about the sport but I know that winning 7 titles, back to back, is a near inhuman feat and it must have taken a man of great strength to actually do it. I have always taken inspiration from him and have wanted to touch greatness, like he has done. If I was the kinds to maintain a desk with pictures on it, I would put Lance on it, along with Steve, WEB, sgMS and few more other people. May be soon. Lance, in other words, is my hero. And I am thankful to him for his mere existence and his efforts.

So, today, when I woke up, I loved the feeling. Don’t really like waking up early but today was different. A stupid dream was interrupted by a phone call. In that dream I get a boil on my sole and I show it to Mujeer Sir, who is normally quite. He looks at it and starts laughing at it and asks me to stop trying hard. And this is when the phone rang. So when I woke up, I was loving the feeling that I was alive. It was about 7ish in the morning and there was this dim light in my hotel room and it was slightly cold, the kinds that gives you goosebumps. There was this standard white hotel quilt and as array of pillows with different densities. I was comfortable and I was sleepy-awake-sleepy. I even had a message from sgMS sitting in my phone. The world was perfect. And I was raring to go, take it on, head on and work on something grand, just like Lance and other heroes.

And like everyday, I started sipping onto my water and grooving to my morning playlist and was generally checking on the world when I realized that Lance has done a no holds barred interview with Oprah. And in that video, he has confessed to using banned substances to help him win Tour De France. And as I saw it, with each answer I started to got numb. They were direct, easy to understand, pointed questions. And Lance was supposed to answer in simple yeses and nos. And with each one word answer, it started to suck.

For all these years, I was happy being part of the group of people who just stay on the sidelines and keep their true opinions with themselves. But for Lance, I would be vocal, if someone asked me for an opinion and I would live in the world of denial. For me, Lance was a God, who could do no wrong. I dint go around to wearing yellow bands and showcasing my devotion to Lance and foundation. But Lance was/is an important to me. With his confession, the entire thing about him came crashing down around me. From a giant who worked hard and pushed his personal limits, for an instant, he was left on the sidelines as someone who took the easy way out when he could choose to take the road less travelled. From being a winner, he is now the biggest loser that the world has seen.

I dont know how the world would react to it, for me, Lance its a loss beyond comprehension. I feel cheated and it sucked as if I lost in a race that I was participating myself. You were that important to me Lance. You were my role model. If I could I would have modelled my life on yours. And it sucks to know that it was all a pack of lies. I have no clue why would you do it. I am sure there must be some larger reason, than merely winning the race. May be you were fighting against the unpredictable life, by using its own methods or whatever. May be you were greedy. May be you were not. May be you were blinded. I dont know.

But like a delusional disciple of a cult religion, I refuse to see the reason and I want to believe that there was more than what meets the eye. End of the day, Lance, you have my support. I am with you, always will be. You are still my hero. You are still someone who has been able to push boundaries that no one else could. You are still the epitome of human endurance and strength for me.

And, thank you for everything.