fear – 922

The day when it started to come together. Dubai 2018, Day 09

So finally I got a good solid day of work done. Yay to that.

I walked some, I thought some, I wrote some and I did catch up on that cat nap as well!

Perfect! Save for meditation and reading.

I ate well, I think (I had almonds and peanut butter for lunch and egg curry for dinner – closet to keto. If not keto, low carb for sure). I slept at 11 and I woke up at 7. 8 hours of sleep (which I think is way too much for me – considering how groggy I am since morning).

And how did all this happen? I switched off the mobile data (I kept the radio on – so people could call / sms me). And since no one calls anyone anymore, I had no access to anything that could distract me!

Brings me to the revelation of the day…

The Mobile Phone Dependence

Lemme give context. When the phone data was off, I was trying to engross myself in work and failing at it. I was restless af. Side note. Do read about this fascinating study on Marshmallows (as Indians, we probably dont know what this is).

I couldn’t focus, couldn’t concentrate and was super restless as if something important’s been taken away from me! I dont know how the fishes feels when you take em out of water (apparently the fishes are, well, dying to get back into the water!). I was dying to switch on the data and get back to the world where I had a thousand WA groups and messages vying for attention. Damn right I was.

You see, the phone was in my arms reach. Around me, I could see and hear people busy on their respective phones. And my phone on the other hand was a dud device. I mean the radio was on and I could’ve called whoever I wanted to. Or whoever wanted to speak to me could call me. But I dint want to call up one single person (I did make phone calls back home and to a couple of more people). Neither did I have anyone calling me. So lesson – you are not as important as you think. Life moves on. You are not wanted by anyone.

I am sure you’ve experienced the same. When we are on the planes. You know when you are forced to switch off the phone? But the thing is, when on a plane you know that you are on a flight and the phones cant work in the flights and all that. Plus you know that once you touchdown, the phones will be back online. And you will be back online.

But this was unlike the plane. My phone was working. Just that the data wasnt. I knew all it would take is a flick of a button. It was tough 3 hours. Excruciating. Was tough to endure. But hey, I dint die. You know that already. Dont you? Lesson? ~~You~~ I can survive without constant connectivity and next time I take a break, I need to have radio silence!

So, I think I am going to observe a day of data silence every week. Of course I will still have SMS and I will have access to phone calls. But all the things that trigger the dopamine will no longer be active. Lets see if I can do it. Sundays could be a good idea. And that is the day when I could get some writing done? Ok stop day dreaming.

P.S.: As I write this, its day 2 of switching off the data on my phone. And tbh, I am itching to go online and check on my whatsapp and twitter and instagram and all those apps. Thankfully I dont use Facebook much, so thats a relief.

On Coke
The other thing, I think I am done with the idea and concept of Coke. Or Diet Coke.

I realised that I dont really love the taste. Its just that I love to sip on to something all the time and I am not really fond of tasteless things (water). I dont like the taste of tea and I hate the milk in coffee. Plus lemon is probably the worst thing EVER invented! So, the only thing I was left with, to consume, was the Coke!

I need to find an alternative. Flavoured water wont cut it – its way too many crabs and sugar for someone who wants to transform his life into a healthier and fitter version of self. Alternatives anyone?

On reading and meditation
As the trip is nearing the end (not really nearing but there are less days to go compared to days I’ve been here), if I were to do an objective analysis, the trip hasnt had the best outcome. I mean I did think about things and it was interesting to live in a new country without an agenda (no tourism, no soaking in the culture or the sights etc etc). Just that I had specific things that I wanted to achieve while I was here. I wanted to get fitter (eat better, meditate, run / jog etc.), inculcate better habits (re-start reading, writing etc). I had to decide on where life was gonna go from here on (like I said, all is good but nothing is amazing; journey is good, rewards are good but not great) and how do make this life a great adventure. The list of things to do, on my Asana ran into 14 pages. I kid you not.

And I’ve made very little progress on most things. Of course there is time left. There is one whole week and things have started to fall in place since yesterday. I can probably hustle up and work harder and get to those things in place. None of them require a build up, like fitness does or like reading does. I mean I cant do a million crunches and get those abs. I can on the other hand sit for long hours and say, craft that personal mission statement that I’ve wanted to. You may argue that if I sit for long, my efficiency and thought process will go for a toss etc. Overruled, as a judge would say. The thing that I havent worked on and I think I should’ve was, meditation. And reading.

Meditation. The idea was that I had to build up a practise while I was here. The same practise could’ve continued and made me a calmer, better person. But I dint do shit about it.

Note2Self 2: Meditation probably takes about 20 mins. Why cant you do this today? Its just 11 AM and maybe you can do this before you start the next session, once you are back at the hotel?

Reading. I carried a few books with me when I came here (Bradbury, Murakami on writing and running, Checklist Manifesto, Longevity Diet, Creativity Inc and more). I did read some chapters of Bradbury but that was that.

I can decide today that I am going to read 100 pages everyday, at about 2 mins per page, I will need just about 3 hours to do this. Can I do this, I am sure. Will I do this? I dont know.

So there. To sum things, its been an interesting ride. Just that I need to pull up my socks as I come to the fag end. I know that once am back home, I am facing the same drudgery and predictable life. And a life where I have my people and my things.

Epiphany: I’ve shunned people all my life and what’s making me call India home? People! Need to think more, Mr. Garg.

So yeah, that’s about it for the day. See you guys tomorrow.

Note2Self: I could’ve done all this and probably more while I was back home. I dint have to spend time and money on this.

Saurabh Garg
22 April 2018
Dubai

The inane 2. Dubai 2018, Day 08

Few things happened yesterday. No, none of them was special. They were inane again. This word inane is a repeating theme. Need to work on this. So, I had a day very similar to one yesterday. I ate, I slept, I did some work. I met friends. And I slept again.

So, another inane day. Which is ok. I am not here chasing excitement.

However a few things need to be mentioned.

1.
A friend sent me this (the image on the left. Hope it loads). This is a screenshot from a post on this blog.

I need to clarify. To her. To others. And to myself!

When I use “full-time help, a girlfriend or an EA” in the same sentence, I do not mean to demean any of those. Each has a function and a role to play.

A help means someone who is paid to look after me. And I use help s a gender-neutral word.

A girlfriend means someone who is invested in my success and eggs me on and makes me better and is a partner in this amazing thing called life. Someone who stands by me when I rise up and is there to cradle me when I fall down. Someone who understands that I dont have the luxury of weekends (I am on a mission after all). And someone who’d love when I can steal time and ask her out for a tea in the middle of the night.

A girlfriend is NOT a help. And that does not make anyone small.

An EA means someone who controls how I spend my time when I work. No, this does not mean a glorified help. This means that an EA is someone who accelerates my work. More about the role of an EA is here.

These three were used in the same sentence because I feel the void of these three profiles in my life. And no, I am not trying to have just one person fill that in. So, yeah, I did not want to hurt anyone’s sensibilities. I am not the one to be derogatory about others (except when they dont work – irrespective of their age, gender, race, color, sexual orientation etc).

I want to blame it on my limited capability with the English language. But I think apologies are in order. I am sorry. Sincerely am.

2.
I saw this Will Smith video today while walking to a Starbucks. And he talks about his experience with Sky Diving. Where? In Dubai! Wow! If thats not a sign, what is? Also in the talk he talks about conquering your fear. The lesson am taking from this is that I need to do things that scare me. He says, “forget security, live for experience.”

The start I think is accepting the things that I am scared of. And then probably conquering them? Anyhow here’s a list of top few things that I am scared of.

Rejection
Poverty
Old age
Stray dogs (because I got bit by one and since then I havent found a way to get hospitable to the creature. In fact I dont goto places that have dogs. I find the animal unpredictable and irrational and I have no way to control the behavior. Or the outcome. Much like kids. Yeah I am not too found of em either)
Medical science (everytime I go to a hospital, I am fucked in the head)

This is ofcourse an incomplete list. Need to make a more exhaustive list. #note2Self – upload the list here.

3.
At Starbucks, I found money. Second time on this trip (first). Wow! Hope this is a sign. I really want to be fooled by randomness into believing that I am getting rich. After all, beliefs breed thoughts, that turn into work and then into action and they eventually manifest as reality!

4.
Today on, I am switching off data on my phone. That means am trying to get closer to radio silence (where I dont have access to social networks etc). The plan was to not have access to data while I was on this trip. I couldnt do much about it as I needed connectivity and phones in Dubai are super expensive. So to save money, I had to get a simcard!

So I failed. And how. Not cool Mr. Garg.

I have enough of fun and frolic and all that over the last few days. Now, till I go back to India, I shall observe a radio silence (may be use it once a day to catch up on important things). So, moment I hit the publish button, I will switch off data. If you want to reach me, you know how to. Try not to. Just a week more to go. Help me please 🙂

5.
The hernia I think is back. The balls hurt as I walk for long hours. I need to go see a doc once I am back in India. That means I need to stop whatever forced walking that I was indulging in. Running is of course out of question. In fact I noticed the pain when I had just finished the first run. The only variables that had changed were that I had gone running. And I’ve been erratic with my diet (I am on and off Keto, eating a lot of fat and less carbs in general). Dont think the diet is to blame. May be because I am drinking less water? I am not sure. I need to go see a doc once am back in Mumbai.

6.
I have restarted with Evernote. I dont know why. It just looked like a better way to manage notes than than the notes app and Google Docs. While I can link and use great search from Google, somehow, Evernote is a far better experience. Lets see how long does this last.

***

So yeah! Thats about for the day. Hope you have a good day. Hope I have a good day. Its just 8 AM here. Apart from changing the hotel and going shopping (for friends and family), dont have anything on the agenda.

Saurabh Garg
21 April 2018
Dubai

P.S.: In the posts that I’ve written, I talk about the previous day and I put the date of the day gone by. Not cool. So today on, changing it.

Untitled / 11 Feb 2018

One of those posts where I ramble without an agenda. While I decided that I will do these on sgEchoChamber, I am doing this here because I want to maximise the odds of serendipity. How? Topic for a different post. This one, read at your peril.

~~Last night~~ ~~two~~ few days back, I wrote this open letter to Steve Jobs. While I havent been ridiculed by anyone for it, yet, while I was thinking about it, when I re-read it, I was like, the fuck dude. I want whatever you are tripping on! Maal must be so good. No?

Thing is, I need to know that life does not work like that. You know that song? The Bittersweet Symphony? You know what it says? “You’re slave to money and then you die.” That. All you do is try to make ends meet. Everything else is an illusion. Sooner I get that in my head, better it is.

I may want to change the world and make a dent and impact lives and inspire people and all that but fact of the matter is, at this day, I am nothing but an epitome of mediocrity. For the 35 years that I’ve been here, what is that one thing that I can be super-proud of? Nothing!

I am not successful by any metric — societal (dont have a family, dont own a house, dont own a car, bank balance runs in low 5-figures, both my companies are ~~small~~ tiny etc), personal (I am unhealthy, get frequent mood swings, have less friends than fingers on my hands etc), evolutionary (dont plan to procreate, I am short, bald etc). All I am is a middle-aged man trapped among voices in my head that bounce around and get louder by the day. The kinds that makes people delusional. Delusional. Thats the word that defines me.

Wait. I may not be that either. The ones that are delusional actually have blind faith in their capabilities and they actually do great things. I dont. I am waddling in mediocrity. And the worst part is that I feel helpless about it. I want to change things but I cant. I am stuck! I think I need more resources – time, talent, people etc. How do I get those? May be if I had money to put in?

Money, Mr. Garg, cant be the root! There has to be more.

I mean I dont know. There are people who start from scratch and zero money and do amazing things. Most startup guys are in this category. They are driven and they keep at it till they make money. Then I know of people who are paupers and somehow get married to rich heiresses and then build their empire on top of the largess that they get from the family (of course they are good and know what to do with that money). Then there are people who get lucky (seated next to a big dude in the plane, etc). And there are people that inherit legacies and then they work hard to make em larger. And finally, there are people like Saul, who ~~build churches atop rocks~~ create empires on top of crimes. Well, not crime as in crime but something that the society would frown upon!

Irrespective of the route they take, people do amazing things. So amazing that the world takes a note. And their work impacts people around them. And in most cases, people away from them. Here’s a slide that I use when I speak to prospective hires, investors, partners and others (P.S. this is an always WIP deck and hence this is a WIP slide).

EACH one has had impact on more than just their immediate circle. Hope you get the drift. Drift reminds me that am drifting.

Coming back.

The point is, this post is full of self-doubt and self-flagellation and all that. Which is ok I think. Once in a while I need to be grounded as well. Like someone once told me, “dar mujhe sachet rakhta hai” (fear keeps me aware). Posts like these allow me aware. And make me take a break and reflect and think.

Hopefully, someday, the clouds will part and sun will shine through. And as they say, someday all this will make sense. May be it will not. May be it will remain one of those unfinished things that I will take to my grave? May be I will get to it in 2881 days? Who knows.

What I know is, I ought to keep walking.