#foreverAlone

This too shall pass

Hello, whoever is reading this!

Hope you are well! I am not sure I can say the same thing about me. Life’s being unkind – both at the personal front and at the professional one. Wish I could say more. But I will leave it here. And tell myself that this too shall pass. It always does.

So, I did not write a post in the whole of July. Has to be among the longest breaks I’ve taken from writing. And has to be the longest I have been so out of action or inspiration. I mean the entire month of July passed by in a blur. Much like most of 2020. And if you know me you would know how much I hate inaction! And on top, there was tragedy upon tragedy inflicted on me. Life’s been fucking relentless! But, like I said, this too shall pass!

And even if I ignore things that happened in the month of July, I think this lockdown is getting to me. I mean I am comfortable at my house (not home), have food on my plate and enough coffee to sip on all day long. But I crave for human connection. Human contact. The physical touch. I need it desperately. To a point that I am willing to risk myself. And others around me.

When the lockdown was announced, I thought I was ok with the ideas of being alone. I’ve always been ok every time I have gone into a shell. But this time I am not.

Thing is, previously, I would have a Starbucks to go to. A mall to wander into. The humdrum of life around me to get lost into. I had the non-creepy people-watching that gave me optimism about life in general. I could feed off the energy of other people, even strangers. I’d see someone immersed in their work and I would get inspired to get immersed in mine! And while I may not be surrounded by the people that gimme comfort, people I love or others of the ilk, I would always have people around me. Yeah, I like people. Even if they are strangers. And even though I have been enamored by the idea of people that survive isolation for years (hello, Andy), thanks to the lockdown, I know I can’t survive it!

So, I have been walking around. And not that I am reaching somewhere with all this walk, but I do like the idea of movement. And I like to see whoever is out on the road. And going by what I’ve seen all of July, quite a few of those are out and about. I mean the traffic jams are almost back in Mumbai. You can no longer walk in quiet. You even have those loud Delhi cars making a guest appearance in Mumbai. The point is, I am out and about. And I am on the move. And I hope this activity takes me someplace in August.

Here’s promising to be more active. Here’s hoping for a better time ahead. Heres telling myself that this too shall pass.

SG
2 Aug 2020
Mumbai

How to spot a bachelor pad?

Day 39 of the lockdown.

Day 45 otherwise.

You know what this lockdown’s doing to me? Making me take note of tiny little things that I have chosen to live with. And yet never realized that I was living with them. You know those things that are all around you. Visible. In plain sight. And you’ve been ignoring those.

Of course, most of these things are things that have no inherent meaning but once they get added to your life, they start becoming valuable. And with time the value starts to grow. Linearly at first. Exponentially from thereon. And then suddenly, the object that is inherently penniless becomes the most important possession that you have! Like there is this Ganesh figurine I have. KG gave it to me on one of my birthdays. Not that I am religious but I tend to keep it close. And while it was used a paper-weight initially, now it has become this object that I can NOT lose!

I am sure you have many such things. At your home. And around you.

And why am I talking about this?

Well, while I was getting ready in the morning today, I took note of the curtains in the room. There are three curtains and all three are different. One is a plain yellow sheath. The other has a pinkish flowery pattern on it. The third one is a plastic kind of thing with dolphins on it. And while I was seeing that, I was wondering, for someone like me who likes the idea of symmetry and pattern and has an opinion on design, how is that these curtains are so badly mismatched. And then it dawned on me – these were collected over the years. The yellow one is from a time when my sis and I lived together. The pink one I bought for this house – though I don’t know how it ended next to the yellow on. And the dolphins – I don’t even know where it came from.

When I got looking, I realized most things at my house are such a ragtag bunch of things. I don’t have furniture apart from a table and a bookshelf. Both were acquired at different times and different houses. Have stayed with me. I have two chairs, both different. Again, got at different times. All wardrobes are rented – each looks different from other. The bedsheets and pillow covers are the only upholstery that I have, apart from curtains, and no, these do not match either.

Everywhere I look in the house, each thing is different from everything else. These don’t fit. Even the best art director in Bollywood could think that a man my age and my taste could have a collection like the one I have. Well, how everyone in the world wants to be unique. Lol!

Oh, I made a checklist that you can run through mentally to see if a house is a bachelor pad.

Are the pieces of furniture mismatching? The ones that look as if they’ve been gathered over the years in various stages of life.
Is the upholstery an assorted collection of colors, patterns, heights et at? Again, they could’ve been acquired over time, at various places that you have lived at.
Is the cutlery in the kitchen not from one set per se? But a collection of souvenirs from places that you’ve traveled to, gifts from friends, and from various events you’ve been to! At my place, out of 7 mugs I have, 5 are from Starbucks, one is from an event that I attended and the last one is I think an ex-girlfriend left behind.
The electronics (except the TV) would be hand-me-downs and would be in dilapidated condition. After all, these things are not really required.
The phone charging cable and the adapter would be a mismatch.
If you get access to wardrobes, the hangars, on which clothes rest would again be an assorted mix.
There would always be a key with the building security guard if the building has a guard.
The place may or may not be clean depending on the person occupying the place.

These are the ones that I can think of. What about you? What do you often see at bachelor pads? Pray, tell me, and help me make this sheet exhaustive.

That’s about it for the day!

Previous posts in the lockdown series are – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37

Rant: #foreverAlone and loneliness

So, in this year (2017),

I promised myself that I was not going to crib.
I decided that unless I wrote 5000 words in a week, I was not going to have Coke. And in the process get Book2 Publishing-ready. I haven’t written shit and yet, as I write this, I am on coke.
I wanted to work on getting over sgMS. This meant creating more opportunities to bump into great women.
I wanted to get fit (32″ at least, if not 30). Run a half-marathon (if not the full), work towards climbing the Everest.
I wanted to make money (enough to allow me to not work) and work towards that large impact that I wanted to make.
I wanted to be the best year of my life. The best version of SG ever.

And things were all looking up for the first few days of this year. I picked pool, I started with guitar, I started working on the next book. I started reading. I was going for walks often. I was doing so much that I felt like 16 all over again. The way I haven’t felt in a long long time. I was, like Red, “… a free man at a start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.” I am the beginning of a journey and while I know where I want to be, I dont know how I would go there. Free man (well, almost), long journey (yes), conclusion is uncertain (yes)!

But, then I dont know what struck me. Things have been on a downhill last few days and this weekend I think was the worst so far. This is the week (and weekend) where all went for a toss. The momentum (if there was one) that I had built since the beginning of 2017 is down the drain. I will have to restart all over again. From scratch.

The weekend sucked like no other. Even though I did EVERYthing that you would expect a 34-year old single man to do on a weekend – played pool (on Sat and on Sun), met a couple of friends (one for work and one for mental masturbation), went on a date (with a really intelligent, funny, easy going, beautiful woman, who seemed to enjoy my company), wrote some, read some (finished third book in 2017 – fiction, Hindi, Ved Prakash Sharma), cleaned a room that’s been in mess since I moved, slept, even had Diet Coke (3 at that! Had to break a promise but I had to – I was feeling super shitty about myself).

Now that I’ve put this on paper, I realize that this is actually FAR more than I’ve ever packed in a weekend. I must be tired by now (its 8:30 PM on a Sunday) as I write this (note: finishing this at 10:05 AM on Monday). And I am. Honestly I am. And no, its not physical exhaustion. I am tired in my head. There is this load on my head for I don’t know what. And I have tried really hard to pin point the cause and I cant seem to find it! And this inability to find the answers is bugging me ever more!

Thing is, I believe I have a sane head on my shoulders that is capable of thinking and being objective about things. I can reason. I can zoom out and try and understand what is affecting me through different vantage points. And that’s what I did. I tried to look at myself from different vantage points and here is the list.

The Shrink
I would’ve admitted to a doc that I am lonely. I terribly miss having someone around me. Someone who treats me as the centre of her universe. And most importantly, someone who allows me to make her the centre of my universe. And someone who acknowledges it. Gives me confidence that she’s with me. And no, its not easy to find someone like that. Lucky are those who have someone like that. Actually luckier are those who dont need someone like that.

Coming back, I was so lonely that I took my rants to twitter (side note: I did get AA to come have a drink Diet Coke with me).
I think I have started to feel the need of having someone around. Age does funny things to people!

So, am I ready for Shaadi? I dont know. I am not sure if I can take on the responsibility just as yet – theres’ so many things that I am supposed to do before I “settle” down. And yes, shaadi is settling down. Because you have another person’s life attached to you. You have one another family to look after. Agreed your partner looks after you and all that but I think that the idea of two things coming together is to make things stronger, not weaker. Marriage adds variables and infinite amount of complexity and thus it makes the entire thing weaker. How? Here are some scenarios:

You want to quit your job and write a book? You can’t because you have to feed more mouths. Agreed that the partner could work and you chase your passion (or vice versa). What if partner wants to chase passion as well? It becomes the battle between two passions.
You want to move cities / countries. You cant because you have another career to consider.
Health. You cant seem to manage how fit are you. And here is one more person’s health to keep a track of.

I can go on and on about the added complexity. I am very vocal about making lives simpler and shaadi is an opposite of that! Plus, a shaadi is such an investment of time, energy and don’t know what all.

The pragmatic side of me tells me to make an excel sheet (discussed with AA yesterday) and evaluate options on it and then settle down. With someone who has such a huge passion project that I am happy getting a stable naukri. Or with someone who has no passion and I can continue to chase randomness. On the other hand, the die-hard romantic in me wants to wait till cupid strikes.

And the without-thinking-reacting-acting me wants someone who’s…

In an ideal scenario, I would want to be around someone who has a passion project that is independent of how things are with me.

Do I have someone like that? No.

Do they make someone like that? Am sure they do.

Am I the best person for that person? May be. But I am willing to work on it. All great relationships are about working on them. No?

Anyhow, the shrink will ask me to get married. No discussion on pros or cons or anything like that. Just get married. Simple.

The Career Counsellor
This is a tough one.

Apart from the loneliness, I think the thing that is killing me is the inability to find meaning with work. I know what I want to do (work at the intersection of technology, entertainment and communication, may be sports) – I enjoy what I do. I make enough money to pay my bills. I have enough opportunities to contribute.

But for some reason, I am not happy. It could be the scale of work I do, the money I make, the impact I make, the number of people I reach, the expression, the lives I change, the visibility of what I do, recognition (do I want this? I dont know), inability to hustle, or one of million other things.

May be its the absence of flow? Thing is, when I look back at the times when I have been in the flow, it has happened when I am:

creating something – writing, researching, talking about new things
talking – to a stranger, addressing a team
travelling – while I dont eat more than half the things, I suck at small talk, I love being on the road – it keeps the curious kid in me excited.

With what I do, I think flow is increasingly absent. Probably its natural evolution. I am no longer a creator. And as a manager I am often interrupted and I need to chase things. And flow with that may not happen.

So there is this battle between being a creator and growing up. Its a battle between making money and making impact. In the ideal world, Id do both. But then the world is not ideal. No?

But apart from this, dont think there’s anything wrong! The career counsellor will thus tell me to stop ranting and get back to office and deliver that damn presentation that’s been pending on my desk for three weeks.

The Fitness Trainer
He would see someone who’s making a serious attempt – within his circumstances. I am going for walks when I can. I am eating in moderation. I am trying to be active. Of course I can do so much more.

The fitness trainer would ask me to buckle and do more. Lot more. And yes I am capable of doing it. Today on!

Friends
Realized that I dont have deeper connections that most people have. If I were to die today, I dont know how many will stop what they were upto and attend the funeral. And no, I am not just talking about the funeral but I am talking about things that you need friends for. A shoulder to lean on. The kind of friendship that they talk about in books like The Count of Monte Cristo. The kind of friendship that makes you want to lay your lives for! The kinds that does not allow the vacuum to creep into your life when you’re bugged on a weekend.

May be this vacuum adds to my unhappiness?

Or may be I need to embrace solitude? Read Walden’s opinion on it.

Also, as an objective thinker, may be I dont have friends cos I dont invest myself in their lives. After all reciprocation works better than most other things na? I am not sure. I dont know.

And this is when I am thinking deeply about relationships. My sis shared something the other day where some scientists have proven that if you want to achieve more and live happy, you have to have happy and deep and meaningful relationships.

I dont have any. May be that’s why I am unhappy? I ought to work on this. In fact the key takeaway of this post for me would be to go and attempt to fix my relationships. Of course it will start with an investigation on why I dont have these in the first place. And then go about fixing them.

More eventually.

But, the friends will tell me (as they already do) to stop taking things seriously, remove the burden from head, lower expectations from self and get laid. Lol! What else do you expect from them? :). I love em!

Family
I am forced to put an “all is well.” facade. Because I cant tell them that I am not happy. Thing is, I dont know how to tell them that things are not alright. I mean I dont even know what is not right. If I knew, I would fix it. No?

The sad bit is that I have had the most brilliant opportunity to have born in such a supportive family and it sucks to not make them aware. We are in this together. Thats the closest to we that we would ever be. Everything else is me. I. Ego. Ahamkaar. Etc.

But I cant. I dont know what to tell them.

And no, I dont want to hide things either. Thus this blog – helps me pour the heart out. Allow me to feel good about publishing something – if not a piece of fiction, account of shit in my head.

So, if they knew, my family would tell me to do things that make me happy and if there is absence of that spark in life, they’d ask me to come back and take it easy,

Random Bystander on the Internet
To a random bystander on the Internet, I will be a dark, bald, middle-aged man that cribs a lot about problems that are not unique to him. He needs to see a shrink, get treated for depression and top of it all, get laid. And then, get a life.

They would tell me to.. wait. They will not tell me anything. I am not a celeb. And whatever little trolls that I get, I ignore them.

You?
Whoever you are, if you are reading this, tell me what is your evaluation of who I am. My entire life is like an open book. Divided between this blog, my twitter handle, my LinkedIn profile and the Facebook page you have access to everything – what I think of, my opinions and my deepest, darkest thoughts, am ambitions, my fears and everything else that makes a man, man.

Me!
The last and probably most important vantage point. Mine. My perspective. On me. As unbiased as it could be.

I dont have to do the evaluation thingy here. I know what I am and who I am. I’d just tell myself to get some patience, buckle up and continue doing what I’ve been doing. And most importantly, remind myself that this too shall pass.

***

So, now that I’ve exhausted these vantage points, am I closer to an answer? Damned I am not.

Do I feel good about who I am and how I spend the day. No I dont.

Is the dopamine going through my blood faster? No!

Do I see meaning in what I do? Who I am? Where I am? No!

Am I little less lonely? No I am not. In fact I think I am so lonesome that I can die. I mean it. There are friends, there’s family and there are tons of people around me. But the one that I want to be with, I dont have her around me. I miss her. I crave for her. Or may be its just the thought of her that I sort of miss? May be. May be not.

Ok. enough.

That’s it for this post. Do write in if you happen to read this. You know my email address.

Over and out.

P.S.: I am not sure if I am depressed. Over times I’ve used the term loosely but this time things may be real. Need to see a doc and figure out. Once I am back.

P.P.S.: Yesterday I was talking to AA and it dawned on me that you dont create impact if you sail with that goal in your mind. The idea is to do things per your understanding and nudge people towards the impact. I think that makes a lot of sense. More on this in the next blogpost.

P.P.P.S.: Some months back someone wrote about Urban Poors. NY times has Modern Love (with context largely set in America.). I think I need to write about Modern Love in India – especially for people like me. The ones at the verge of middle-life crisis – old, single, busy with work, ambitious, underachievers. What say? Want in?

P.P.P.P.S.: Song of the day? Pyasa’s Jaane Wo Kaise Log They.

Why am I #foreverAlone?

Been meaning to write this post for ~~almost~~ more than a week. As I write this, I am at an empty office, not wanting to go home (because there’s nothing to do at home) and finding excuses to delay the inevitable. So, here it goes.

Disclaimer: This is probably one of the most depressing posts that I’ve written ~~in a while~~ ever. A HUGE huge crib alert. PLEASE read at own peril. Graphic content ahead. Extremely personal. Judge me if you will but this is me. My truest thoughts and feelings. In black and white. Of course, I will try to cover up this post with an extremely cheerful one (to maintain balance – if nothing else). But before that I need to pour my heart out. And I don’t have anyone else to share with but the pseudo-anonymity of this blog.

Last Monday, I was in Bangalore (because I was transporting a car) and I was super excited to meet some really good friends. I also had made plans of meeting up with some fans of #tnks (yes! there are some).

And for a change, there were no hiccups and I did all that I had planned.

In fact, I loved the day I spent at Bangalore. I am beginning to think of Bangalore as my secret love affair (the way Delhi is my identity and Mumbai is my life). So, the weather was perfect. I did not get stuck in traffic. The credit card worked, the free wi-fi was fast, I wore shorts all day long. Etc. Etc.

Started the day by spending the first few hours at a Starbucks, working. Then lunched with a really really dear friend – met her after ages. Followed by a coffee at a fancy hotel with a reader. And then the evening snack with a fan at one of the most famous watering holes in Bangalore. I even played a game of pool, that I lost terribly (I need to pick up the cue all over again and get back to the game).

After the game when the beer started flowing, things went out of control. I had one drink too many.

If you know me, you would know how much I loathe people who consume alcohol beyond their limits. And I did that. And like all drunkards, I puked all over the place. I detested it but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Thankfully I had enough sense to not spew on my clothes or at the houses of others. It’s a miracle how I took an Uber, a flight and eventually a rick to reach home. The next 4 days that followed, were nightmarish.

They’ve been so bad and so gloomy that I want to hide under a thick quilt and not emerge out of it. And I hate it when I am like that. I do everything it takes to not go down that lane.

Brings me to the first resolve of this post. I will not ~~consume~~ indulge alcohol ever again. In any shape or format.

Continuing.

So while I drove the 1000 KMs to Bangalore and when afterwards I was sick of all the alcohol, a few realisations happened. I mean what else do you do when you are unwell? All you are left capable to do is puke, make attempts at eating (and vomiting out whatever little you’ve eaten) and ruminate about the days gone by, trying to relive the good times and creating the fantasy world where all is hunky dory? May be this is why most great poets, authors have / had a problem with alcohol?

Well, I don’t know about them but when I was down and out, I did not get any interesting plots or conversations or brain waves. Like I said, all I got was self-pity, self-loathing and the urge to dig a hole, hide deep in it, close the entry with an immovable rock, shovel it with some snow and grow a huge banyan tree over it. And stay shut in it. Forever.

Not one thought was a happy one. In fact I think the gloomy mood of the last few days has been induced by alcohol and all these sad thoughts. May be it’s a feedback loop. Whatever it is, I have to confront it. I need to pour it out. Can’t keep in my system.

One of things I realised was, I’ve left just too many open windows. And I’ve never been the kinds to leave so many of these open. It sucks to know that you agreed to help someone and then you did not get back to them or deliver. I know how it feels when something you count on does not pan out. I dont want to be to the source of someone’s disappointment. I really need to apologise to everyone. If you are reading this and I haven’t got back to you, I apologise.

Of course you judge people on the basis of their actions (not words). Thus, the second promise to myself. I need to learn to say no. Even if that makes me less likeable. I havent had a foggiest clue as to why I have this thing where I want to be liked by people?

Dont know. Moving on.

The next thing that makes me miserable is this thing about constant comparison with others. I know I have achieved less than others (self-pity alert) and you know what? I love to flaunt it! I mean I have reduced this to an extent but I am yet to stop. And honestly, I can’t seem to stop it.

In fact, as I write this, there is this thought in my head that people younger than me, people who more troubles than me, people who seem to be on their own, say SamA, think deeply about things that could impact others. Then there are people like Lalit who’ve taken their passions and haven’t waited for any vindication before launching their careers! They just do. I just whine. Like a 6-year old. For no reason. sgMS is right. I am yet to see real life and if these simple things can break me, maybe I dont have any right to believe that I can change the world!

So, thing # 3. I need to stop comparing myself. And thing # 4, need to realise that there are bigger things than I.

Next, like they say, when things go tough, tough gets going. Everyone around me is giving me a hard time for some reason. From my yoga teacher to my partner to my vendors to my clients to my team to my parents to my accountant to sgMS and even I myself am giving a hard time to me. And funny thing is, this is when I need people around me. I need a shoulder. I need support. When I dont have anything to look up to. I mean there is no unicorn happening. The book is delayed. There is no sight of the reason. There is no meaning.

I could take shelter in work. But that too is stalled. Not stalled per se but needs solid intervention. I have so so so many things happening at work front. I desperately need to hire and I can’t find people. I know I cant pay well. I know I am not as inspiring as Steve. Or even Raj for that matter. And the vision that I have for what I do is very very utopian at best.

Apart from pulling up my socks when it comes to work, I need to up my game. And I am struggling with it. I talked about it last month as well. And even though its been more than 30 days since, I am still struggling. Need to end the struggle and get some real action. Real inspirational work. Real dent.

But, I am aware enough to know that its super tough. And I know my limitations. I dont know how people do things by themselves – all those entrepreneurs, scientists, athletes etc. I dont know how those lone nuts pull through things. I need to either learn from them. Or I need a Warren. Or a Charlie. Even a Watson would do.

Thing is, most of my friends are merely marriages of convenience. I do not have any close friends – the kinds they write about in books and movies. And I know secretly crave for some. I really want to be a part of a cult, some gang, something where I belong. And the belonging goes more than just a tattoo on the right-hand sleeve.

Not just the friendship bit, in general loneliness sucks. May be, just may be, I am ready for a relationship, a marriage (I know this is song for my parents’ ears).

But this feeling of loneliness is a one off thing that I get when I am unwell. So may be not. Do I want a relationship on the days that I am well? I dont know. I guess I am too old for anything meaningful. I mean I am 33 already. And if not there, then almost at the halfway mark. Why would I even bother. The way these years have gone by, the others will too. No?

Brings me to that eternal debate, the never-ending thread that holds me hanging onto and wanting to let go of everything I do – What is the purpose? What is the meaning of all this? Why do we exist? What’s the reason? Any sages? Or do I go back to Guruji‘s wise words and assume that this too shall pass?

Anyone?

P.S.: This post is not meant to be a piece of exaggeration. I really am sorry for have wasted a week of my life and a very very important one at that (I had a very important event that I missed). Unrelated, someone I know (a friend’s husband who has observed me from far) quipped that I am a high-functioning sociopath. May be I am. And may be that’s why sgMS went away. May be that’s why I dont have a Warren. May be that’s why I am #foreverAlone?

P.P.S.: No, I do not want your sympathy or attention. If you can read this with equanimity, thank you. If you can’t, please do not lend a shoulder or a glass.

The Partying Predicament

Fact. I dont go to parties.

Why? I dont know what to do there. I dont drink. I dont enjoy crowded places. I dont have the balls to be able to strike conversation with strangers. Wait, I dont even wear shoes that allow me entry into most party places. If I am allowed entry, I can’t dance. As they say, I have two left feet.

But I do love music. But then I am too much of a Delhi guy. So my music better be Hindi. Or may be Punjabi. Which is often a problem in Mumbai. Too hip.

Funny because I am in the entertainment business and nothing like parties if you want to understand the entertainment business.

Why this post? I went to a party last night. And for a change I wore shoes. White one at that. Saboot here. And a party where I stayed till the end. Well, almost. And where I danced a bit. Whatever my two left feet could manage. The only step I know. The Bhangra one. Where you point a finger and move it up and down. Oh, you must check out those Bhangra Empire vids on Youtube.

Thankfully the first place we went to played some Hindi music. And Punjabi. The kinds I’ve grown up listening to. The like of Kawa Kawa, Kaala Chashma, Gori Naal Ishq Mita etc. Rarity in Mumbai if you ask me. But then Mumbai is one of those places that always had this harmonious coexistence of polar extremes – rich vs poor, celebration vs hardwork, house vs punjabi. You get the drift.

The point of the post is that while the DJ played some hindi remixes (of Kishore), I realised a few things. Here they are in. In no particular order.

I miss company. I miss people. I miss “my” people. My refers to people that are mine. Where I am on in their VIP / Favorites list on their phones. I miss things that I could do with friends. Places I could travel to with friends. Impromptu drives I could go on (Addendum: Need a car for that Mr. Garg). One look back at life I realise that I haven’t done too much. Most plans gets cancelled for some reason or the other. And I believe that busy is just another work for having things low on the priority list. So, I dont have too many “my” people. I have tons of connections that I could do things with. But I dont have too many people that I want to go back to. And the ones I have, they’re married, with kids and thus busy. And I am too ~~old~~ busy to make new friends. So, in all, it sucks. I think I belong but I dont. Anyhow. Big deal.
There is all sort of music in the world. The kinds I love. The kinds I want to groove to. The kinds that I play on loop all the time. Like the recent favorite – Aazadiyan. And then, and then ladies and gents, there is Kishore Da. You play a song by Kishore Da and you are teleported to a different zone like no other. Which is amazing. I wish I could see him perform live (which I know by experience is probably half as cool as recorded music). The closest I’d ever come is this.
The concept of shoes suck. I have no clue why they make the shoes mandatory to allow people at fancy places. What does it say about a person? Rather, what does it hide about a man? More on this some other day.
The youth of the country (and not so youth) is MAD about partying. Both places I went to, I could see hundreds, if not thousands of kids, youths, oldies binging on alcohol, dancing and making merry. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the jubilations and fumes from other drunk people around them. Guess that’s the point of alcohol. Or maybe they faked things well. To someone like me (who wants to make people happy, give them joy and make money from these things), the realization was a cool one!

What next? Well, next time I am invited to a party, I am going to say an emphatic no. Unless it is SUPER important to/for someone I know that I attend the party. As I move onward (and hopefully upward), I need to find sanity in life and make time for more important things – partying is definitely NOT a thing that I want written on my epitaph.

When is the next post? When? I dont know. Subscribe to the feeds 🙂

P.S.: Before last night, I can’t remember the last time I went to a party. May be a new year’s party in 2014. Yes, I am that old ~~boring~~.

I am unwell. And I hate it.

I goto extreme lengths to ensure that I am not unwell. Because when I am unwell, I hate it. And I refuse to take medication. So it takes forever to ~~heal~~ get back to normal. Well, the only medication I trust is a can of Red Bull. Which in cases like headache is of no use to be honest. Last time I took a proper medication was in Jan of this year when blood started to trickle down my nose for no reason. The doctor prescribed a seven day course followed by a CT scan. I took meds for exactly two days and CT scan, well lol! Of course I take medication for my Lichen Planus. But that’s homeopathy and it is yet to establish itself as science and medication.

Coming back, I am unwell and I hate it. I think I am saying this for the third time. Why would I risk repeating same thing over and over and over again? In a matter of 50 words? Because I mean it.

Lately, I’ve been falling sick with an alarming frequency. I don’t know what to blame it on. Few things that could be wrong are…

My old age (32 and past my half-life and prime)
My mortal fear of old age
The unnaturally big beer belly (despite the fact that I don’t like beer. Or any other form of alcohol)
My borderline, suspect case of diabetes (I am always thirty, I pee a lot and I am always drowsy)
The lame attempts at polyphasic sleep (which in my opinion you just can’t try if you live in India – there are far too many distractions and door bells to allow you to do that)
The mandatory bouts of depression that every writer is supposed to suffer from (did you buy the book yet?)
The anxiety about my unknown, uncertain future (in terms of personal, financial, writing etc)
My craving for sgMS (I have spoken about this more than required)
My loneliness (it’s prime-time on Valentine’s day and all I am stuck indoors, flipping channels on TV)
My general inability to focus on anything for more than 3 nanoseconds (ADD or ADHD – whatever sounds more exotic to you)
My perpetual hunger even though I have eaten a few minutes back (yoga shastra says eating disorders have deeper connections – you eat a lot when you are insecure about something. The body wants to horde food, expecting a calamity in the near future. After all we are probably the best survival machines ever made. It’s fascinating. Do read about evolution if you can)
And I don’t know what else

Whatever it is, it is not nice. And I don’t know how to fix it. Where are those free hugs guys?

Source: Unknown.

The Blind Date. He and She.

He
I have never been to blind dating events. I have always hated the mere concept of dating events. For me, falling in love is more of a happy accident, than a meticulously planned affair. In fact I live for these happy accidents – all good things to have happened to me, ever, were outcomes of these happy accidents. And like a Pavlovian dog, I start dropping at even the thought of happy accidents. But this blind date, it was a turn off even before I reached there.

I had been promised a gathering of desperate women waiting to be picked by less than ordinary men like me. And since its been some time that I have had a stable relationship, I was tempted to go. Not to mention, that dude that sits in the next cubicle, who cant talk to a woman even when she’s drunk, has been to these events and even he scored. Its like a perfect place where all the social norms take a back seat and you end up a winner. Even if you are socially inept at it. How I love modern day India!

So when I got the coveted invitation, coveted because not everyone gets it, I could not decide. On one hand this was against how I thought about love. And on the other, the lure of getting home with a woman was something that I could not let go. Of course I went. There are times when heart needs to be given precedence over brain. No?

It began like any other social gathering. There were happy people all around me. Almost everyone was like fresh out of a poster from a bollywood film. Perfect teeth on perfect smiles, perfect eye glasses go along with neatly trimmed hair, sharp dresses on toned bodies. Everything looked like a conspiracy to me. I was immediately a misfit in my tattered tee shirt from People Tree (it has this amazing quote by Faiz), old denims and new shiny black leather chappals. No wonder so many heads turned and stared me down once I entered. It felt as if I am facing a firing squad and these men were trying to shoot me down with their eyes.

And amongst that bobbling sea of heads, there she was. Despite my limited interactions with the female species, I could see that she was a misfit as well. In a different way obviously. She wasn’t the prettiest of them all. Or the tallest of them all. And she wasnt dressed for the occasion. But she had something about her that made every other woman wary of her. Every woman was stealing glances at her and sizing her up. Every woman clutched to their men tighter when they glanced in her direction.

Unlike other women who were dressed in expensive evening dresses she had a merely pulled up a pair of denims, which ended slightly above her ankles – the length that I wear my denims too. She was wearing a bright yellow tee shirt that had an intriguing rendition of the Barack Obama Hope poster. The tee obviously dint suit the occasion. Her countenance told me that she has been forced to attend this do. And despite this, it looked as if the entire event, the entire gathering, all the people around her were specifically planted, so that, her status as the queen bee was reinforced to us mortals. The elegant crowd gathered in the room around her, made her all the more rich and gave her all the grandeur that she deserved.

She was like that alpha species that every male ought to consummate with and to give their genes a large chance to be able to survive and multiply. She was everything that a man, primal or modern, could have asked for in a mate. Leave aside the love, the longing and the relationships. Her purpose on earth was to give the most fertile opportunity for the alpha male to advance his genes. I hate objectifying women like that but she indeed was an object. An object of desire. An object that I could have given away an arm and leg to own. To make mine. To be with.

And yet, she was alone. As alone as I was.

She
This is like the three hundredth blind dating event that I am going to. Each of the previous events has been exciting and yet boring. I somehow always become the centre of attraction, even though I dont realy try. And yet I come to my own house and sleep by myself. Somehow I just cant seem to get a date. Except that one time when that cricketer showed interest in me and then I backed off once he and I starting talking. He was as daft as a dodo. Disasters like this aside, these dating events are so much fun. Never before I have seen such a large gathering of desperate men and women trying to woo each other. Funnily, most of the time, I see the same set of people. And you know what? Most women that frequent these do’s, they wear the same clothes over and over again. May be some superstition.

Not me. I dont think I have ever repeated my dress ever. Well, if a teeshirt thrown over a pair of denims qualifies as a dress. Oh, by the way, these tee shirts are my biggest weapon. The designs are so cool that more often than not, the teeshirt becomes the conversation starter. Like the one I was wearing on the last date. I had sketched the iconic design of Fairey for Obama. Wish design was this mainstream in India. I can bet that this design by Fairey must be responsible for a good 10% votes for Obama. Truth be told, I dont really care about Obama or America, just that design was brilliant and I had to sketch myself a teeshirt from it. Thats what I do in my free time. Paint my own teeshirts. Some are good, some bad but honestly, I do come up with a few masterpieces. And this one was definitely one of the best I’ve ever painted.

So I was wearing my favorite my teeshirt and I even had a feeling that I would be lucky and I would find that perfect guy that I’ve always wanted. I so knew who I wanted to be with, I could see him standing in front of me. He is about 5 feet 11. Not very tall and not very short. A typical Indian male with brown skin, I hate fair men. Masculine enough to be able to get spotted in a room full of men. And yet tender enough to know how to me, like a lady or like a toy, depending on the mood I am in. I’ve never wanted a macho man, riding a fast horse on a sea beach, chasing the setting sun. I really want the dude next door. And I want him to have all the imperfections that men have to have. Things that make him so dear. Just like my dad, when he would have been my age.

And I actually spotted someone like that in the crowd that day. I think he had lost his way because he did not look prepared at all for a date night. I mean what kind of man wears a denim and leather chappals to dating events? I dont think any sane woman would even look at her. Of course since I couldn’t keep my eyes off him, you can guess the level of my sanity. And he had this amazing teeshirt on, it had some quote in Hindi that I was dying to read but since he never came in the 5 KM radius of me, I could not.

The way he looked at me, I am sure he found me intriguing, if not attractive. I do get these glances all the time. For some reason, everywhere I go, everyone keeps staring at me but this guy, it was as if he was writing a thesis on me. There is nothing else that explains his constant stare. Funny thing is that for once, someone staring at me wasnt making uncomfortable. In fact it was filling me with a warmth, a sense of elation that he was staring at me. I felt complete.I knew it was him that I was supposed to be with.

And yet, he was alone. As alone as I was.

She

One of my things to do this year was to get over sgMS. I have been trying really hard but for reasons unknown to me, she, refuses to go away.

Any antidotes anyone?

Mumbai Part 2. Day 24.

This is going to be a short post. So that you may actually read the entire thing and not just skim.

Its almost a month since I moved to Mumbai. And I still trying to figure out things. Part reason of that is that I have decided to live with a friends from college. And that means I am dependant on two more people to figure out shit. Even if they are understanding and independent, human courtesy says that I need to include them in whatever I decide. So for example, despite a frantic house search, I we haven’t been able to close on a place where I we would live. This, for the record, is against my DNA. I am like that lone mercenary who wants to remain independent and live like his way, without regard to all the burden that comes from “belonging” to a faction.

The other part is that I am older and hence more inflexible. And that means there is another set of problems that I have. Taking the example of house, I want to live in a spacious, airy, clean, new house. Which, in Mumbai, dont exist. The ones that do, demand a rental of a million bucks a day, which I cant pay. In general, the inflexible me in finding it hard to adjust to madness in Mumbai. But then, there is no place like Mumbai, anywhere in the world and I have to go through the grind. And no, I am not enjoying this at all. May be like all oldies, I am averse to change and since “growing up” is a slow and gradual transition, I am consciously in the same space as a 25 year old but subconsciously I am now 30 and that means there is a constant conflict between my two sides.

So, changing tracks, this post is about what I do in my spare time, which in my case, I have in abundance. And I am at my wits end trying to figure out what to with it.

Let me talk about Delhi to give a perspective. In Delhi, for some reason, I always had something or the other to do. If nothing, I could remain holed up at home and flick tv channels and maybe watch some movie. If not that, my family has stayed at the same place for almost 20 years and I know every nook and cranny in that part of Delhi. I know most people and there is a sense of familiarity. I could go for a walk, or a smoke and get back feeling good about the camaraderie that I share with the place. There are tons of friends/acquaintances that I could meet at random and have a good time and come back. I had a social life in Delhi.

Mumbai on the other hand, I have been out of this place for more than 3 years. All my friends are now married, engaged or seeing someone. And that means I am not high on their priority list (25 yr old). And that means that they are busy on weekends with household chores and stuff. And that means that I can only see them for a window of an hour or so, rather than entire weeks that we spent together at one point in time. Dissonance. Then, when I was younger, I was a promising and rising young man and had irrational beliefs about thing. That made me pseudo popular and I could meet strangers and paddle my beliefs and spend time engaging in mental masturbation. Now, I am a senile old man and I have a tough time going out to meet strangers. I refuse to take part in political, activist movements and pseudo intelligent conversations do not excite me anymore. As a result, I am not popular at all.

I can now spend all my time either reading or writing. Which is not bad to be honest but if I could change it, I would love to do so. May be in next few months.