Category: Lessons 4 Life

AR Rahman Live. Lessons from Shanta Gokhale. And Riyaz.

So, last weekend, I had an opportunity to see AR Rahman perform live. And thanks to a friend who was there to manage a part of the event, I had the best seat in the house. You know, the one at the console and next to the stage? That! And I have to say, it is worth all the hype. The guy is a genius, a magician and everything else that you have heard about him.

He did a Sufi music set and while I could not understand a lot of it, I could see the amount of hard work and dedication it would have taken him and his team! They performed in Hindi, Urdu and some more languages that I could not place. I am guessing Arabic. But I would never know.

The point is, while I was there and even though I could not understand what he was saying with his songs, for once I realized that music does transcend boundaries. Not everyone may understand the sounds and sights and the voices and the narratives but the music allows you to communicate without words. When they were performing, they had their eyes closed in prayer, their heads were covered, the hands folded and all of them were barefoot.

There is this reason that they seemed to be chasing with their songs. There was this orchestrated rhythm to what they were doing. They were not merely performing, they were in this zone where they were meditating. There was this deliberate practice that shined through their songs. In their singing, there was this reverence that you typically reserve for kings, or Gods or both.

And why not? A lot of Sufi music emerged where these singers and preachers and practitioners will sing songs of kindness, forgiveness, and praise for God. The songs talk about how the almighty is kind, gracious, caring, forgiving and more. And often they would compare their kings to God! If I could use a Hindi (or is it Urdu?) word, the songs are meant to shower tareef on their beneficiaries. Both, spiritual (God) and financial (King). 
If I could decode the songs and the meanings, I would probably find the connection! 
In fact, one of the crew members from backstage told me that ARR does a recitation of Namaaz every time he goes up on stage. I am not sure if this is correct. But may I say that I am inclined to believe? It sounds like truth. After all, there is so much feeling of peace that, sort of, dawns upon him (and the audience) when he is singing! 
Thing is, I love these traditions. These norms of how they’d work together. They add meaning to what you are doing. The traditions also help create this bond between everyone that is a part of the entourage. You know, the backup singers, the musicians, the technicians, the support staff and more. After all from what I can estimate, it would have taken more than 500 professionals to make ARR sound like God! 
Traditions help instill discipline. Traditions help navigate the unknown. Traditions help ease the new ones into the fold. Traditions help the old ones grow taller in stature. Traditions is what separates great from good from average to poor. 
And why not? After all their music, their work is a thing that is bigger than them. Their work, their songs give words to prayers that everyone else may not have had. Look at me for example. There are so many things that I feel so strongly about and want to say them in so many ways and yet words fail me all the time. To a point that I feel helpless and stifled. I am sure I am not alone, no one else is. The uniqueness of an individual and even thoughts is a myth. I often come across terms and phrases and expressions and ideas and incidents that help me describe things that I can’t find the words for. Music, I think does that. It gives a medium to communicate. And just for that one thing – giving others an ability to communicate – is a large enough reason to ensure that music is deliberate, disciplined and follows the norms and traditions. 
I think this is true for all art forms. Music. Painting. Writing. Acting. Even the newer art forms like photography and others. Just that the impact that an AR Rahman and his troupe singing live can have on you is so large, so lasting that so many thoughts strike you with such a velocity that your brain jolts from its perpetual slumber into a whirlwind that can lift you higher and take you farther! 
Oh, and as I end this, lessons for me? Well, two. 
a, Need to add deliberateness to what I do. This is also what Shanta Gokhale Maam told us at unBlock105. Read more about it here. She said that every line, every sentence that you write must be a deliberate act. Something that you are conscious of. Something that you know you are working on. Each attempt at writing has to like your riyaz, your sadhana, your deliberate practice that you do NOT miss for anything. 
I need to think hard about it and do it. 
b, Need to create traditions in how I work. If I am writing, I need to find a way to start with something that allows gets in the flow. If I am going to talk to people, I need to remind that I need to be kind when I talk to them. If I am thinking of a thing, I need to first take a deep breath before I start. Of course, all these are examples. But I do hope that you get the drift. 
With this, over and out. 
Do consider attending one of AR Rahman’s concerts. It could be life-changing! 

On mental health…

Sent this email to some co-workers. Publishing it on my blog because I think this deserves a larger audience. 

Hi!

Disclaimers first.

  • You are getting this email because you work with me. And I work with you. In the capacity of a partner, employee, employer, friend, mentor, intern, associate, client et al.
  • This is going to be a long email. Please DO read this. It’s important to me that you do. No, you don’t have to reply.

So, you, of course, know me. And you know that I have always taken pride in pushing people out of their comfort zones. To a point that I zealously justify that “Good Job” thingy in the movie Whiplash. I love the idea of going all-in. Your work has to consume you or it is not your true work at all. I like the idea of NOT having a work-life balance. I have worshipped hard and long work over anything else. People that are famously workaholics are my idols (not just for what they’ve been able to achieve but the work ethic they had – and yes apart from a few exceptions I have not seen a lot of people work less and yet get successful). To me, you either went BIG or you did not try. I would push EVERYONE I know to try and aim for a large objective. With the rationale that even if you failed, you would have achieved things that were beyond your imagination. And I thought it worked well. I mean it DOES work well. I have enough evidence.

But something happened this week that is making me re-think the very core of my belief system.

So, the day before I met this young boy, A, for a coffee. He is one of those typical young people that I like to spend time with. Young, intelligent, ambitious, hungry for success, believes in self and his ideas. Hustles hard – travels through the length and the breadth of the city to meet people. Closes loops. Follows up. Actually does the work. Creates opportunities that don’t exist. Finds work wheres there no scope of it ever happening. In one line, if you asked me, he is on the fast track of success. Has EVERY ingredient that I always wish I had. I would’ve bet my life that in 5 years he would be amongst the richest and most famous people!

But then one minute into the meeting, I realized that something was amiss. And while talking excitedly about what he plans to do, he started sobbing. In the middle of a coffee shop. In the middle of a sentence. In the middle of a slide. Took him a few seconds of crying and then he was back to normal and continued where he had left! As if nothing happened. I figured that he is suffering from some mental ailment that I did not have an inkling of.

I saw him breakdown in front of my eyes.

Normally I am good at spotting signs but this one escaped me, even though I was meeting him often. Since the meeting, I’ve read quite a few things and I know that mental health issues can hide in plain sight and people suffering don’t even realize that they are suffering!

Coming back. So A, otherwise articulate, in that 20-minute meeting was hyperactive, jumped from topic to topic, cried a few times without realizing that he was, made the same point multiple times (he lost track of what he was speaking), talked about how he will rule the world (and he was damn serious about it), popped a few medicines (I hope they were legit) and could barely sit still.

This was the first time when something like this happened so close to me. And I was, I am shaken.

I am not exaggerating that it was THE most painful meeting of my life. I have been in meetings where people have lost their loved ones, lost business, flunked years, broken up with the loved ones and more. Those were comparatively ok. This was so painful that I could not sleep. And I was mostly like a vegetable for almost a day. I could not process that life could be so unfair. As I write this, I still can’t.

But what I did process was that my approach towards work may not work for all. Of course, I’ve been told by a lot of people that there is never a one-size-fits-all solution. I’ve read it multiple times at multiple places. I’ve even discussed it with close friends but never believed in it. I would dismiss these as easy reasons to be lazy, short-sighted and un-ambitious.

And I’ve never been more wrong!

So wrong that I am probably going to reevaluate my whole life. And like I said, my belief system.

I believe that all human progress was made by people that did not have work-life balance.
But at what cost? By having broken people living in misery? Or may be misery is indeed a fundamental truth of life? I know I am going down the existential-nihilism dredge and I ought to stop.

I believe that we need to work hard and do nothing else.
I believe that every waking minute needs to be spent on chasing growth / money etc.
I do not believe in the concept of breaks.
But does that really make people more effective? Does that deliver more? The whole of tech-space yesterday was debating about this on twitter. None of the sides was a clear winner. No, it’s not about winning or losing. It’s about people. And understanding that both may have its own merits. And you cant diss others for their unambitious, slow life. That is their decision to make and I can NOT push them to see things my way.

I believe that we need to surround ourselves with others that are on the same path and trajectory as us. And more importantly, chase the ones ahead, the ones that seemed to have it figured. Chase them till you die. Till you reach where they are (which is never because by that time they are further ahead). You know, rat race?
May it’s this rat race to the impossible top that sends people off the cliff? What if there is never a cliff? Just a treadmill?

I believe that we need to workship these heroes that have done superhuman things. And live with the maxim that if they can, then you can as well!
Of course, they have had different circumstances, lives, opportunities, ideas and all that. But who are we to think about those? What is important is that we have a cultish fervor towards these heroes.

May be, just may be, this entire startup culture, youth revolution, row your own boat, blow your own trumpet life is what is pushing people over the edge? Everyone is surrounded by so much media, content, information, signs that you can do so much more, that you can be the king of the world, that life is beyond the comfort zone, that you are special etc, etc. We hear about people next door that go on to raise a billion dollars, people that come out of nowhere to become the next Bollywood superstar, people that start with nothing and go on to captain the most prestigious team ever. These things are supposed to inspire you. Their stories are meant to help you push harder. After all, they cast-off, did their own thing, worked hard and achieved fame. 

Is this the real culprit?

If they did not have glory, we’d not have heroes. May be there is indeed merit in remaining anonymous. Or may be not. What would make a man get up from his bed if he did not have his brethren to make envious?

Ok.
Enough.
I have ranted for so long now. And trust me I thought about A and his condition for hours before I could gather the thoughts to be able to write this.

And the point of this? 
Well, if I’ve pushed you beyond your comfort zone, it is to help you see things that you probably aren’t able to. Now I know I have no right. If I’ve said anything out of place, caused you discomfort, belittled you, I am sorry. 
And if you ever think you need some sort of intervention, if I can help in any way, PLEASE do let me know. PLEASE speak up. You ARE important to me. And to a lot of other people! 

And please keep looking for signs around you and when you spot someone in distress, please please intervene! 

And that’s about it. 
Oh, one more thing. I love you! Really do. 

Thanks,
@saurabh

PS: No, please don’t call me and ask who this person is.

PPS: If I sound incoherent, please excuse. I am writing after a while. And I am still shaken. To a point that I took a break for a day before resuming work. I can’t even imagine when A must be going thru. Or how any of you is.

Lessons from Anurag Kashyap’s Journey in Bollywood

Thanks to Vijesh, I saw this talk where Anurag Kashyap talks about his journey in Bollywood. There are tons of lessons in there. I think you must check it out. This blog post is a list of lessons that I am taking away from it.

Here’s a list.

  • Once you know what you want to do in life (that’s where I think half the battle is), identify places where people who can help you find work on what you want to work on hang out. Spend time there. Offer them your services for free. Till a point, you become so important that you start getting the work you wanted. Aka, hustle. He says that he worked at Prithvi Cafe because that is where all the film-wallahs would hang out. And once he was there, he started to work for free, as a writer. Because he could write fast and did not ask for credit or money, he started getting work. And with time, he became important.
  • Always be available. Continuation from the first point. 
  • No one owes you anything. If you want it, you better go work for it. Just because you want it, the world will NOT serve it to you on a platter. He gives an example of how people goto him and tell him that they want to make movies and he asks them, “who’s stopping you?”
  • He says that each choice has a consequence. And you have to know that you will have to live with and deal with those consequences. 
  • Every time he would see resentment from people around him, he would move out from that clique. 
  • Do things. And not just crib. Do not blame others. Do not abuse others. Don’t just cry that things are wrong. 
  • Jugaad. How do you understand people and appeal to their desires deep down and get things done. He gives an example of how he got a digital camera for free by offering a role to the person who controlled the camera. 
  • When you believe in something, you HAVE to stand up for it and fight for it. You HAVE to take responsibilities. This is my biggest takeaway. 
  • Persistence is probably one of the most undervalued traits! Of course, you have to know what you really really stand for in life. And once you know what you believe in, you HAVE to persist with things!
  • When you fail, you don’t crib or moan. You go back to the drawing board and restart. As he said, the world does not owe you anything! 
That’s about it. Do tell me what you take away from his talk. Over and out! 

PS: This was first written for subscribers of my letters, SoGv2. More about em is here. 

3 #lifeLessons (for people in their 20s)

So I dint get up on time today. I think it was way past 8:30 when I woke. For the context, I try to be up by 430 – which I rarely manage. And because I was late to get up and today was my manager day, I had to be at work. And to be able to reach on time I had to take public transport (aka Mumbai Metro).

Which I did.

And that was a good thing and a bad thing.

Bad that I had to travel in a compartment that was full of people who probably belong to the cult that does not believe in taking showers. You know how they are? Happy with each others BO? Plus, for them, I think traveling in the Metro is a sport. After all they have this uncanny knack of stomping on your feet even if you are the only person in the entire train. And they can spot a speck of space from a mile that can squeeze their frame of a 1000 kilos and 300 KMs in that speck. And they rush to it. Only to realise that the other person in competition is 3000 kilos!

Good that I got a session of HIIT done. I mean what else do you call the excursion in the Mumbai Metro where every other person reeks of I dont know what and is adamant on crushing your feet? And like every HIIT regimen, there is enough heat (thats to a million bodies packed together in a space meant for a handful) that you sweat all the fat out!

Oh when you get out of the Metro, the rickshaw guys? They will ensure that you continue the work out by refusing to go where you have to.

Apart from this, I attended a shoot for a music video. Done at EXTREMELY low budgets. And thus, a million lessons. And that’s what I will talk about in the next section – lesson of the day!

And what did I learn today?
So I learnt how to do a cheap film.

And apart from that I learnt the following three lessons. You can also read these as three life lessons for people in their 20s, if they wish to have a better life!

A. You need to have a talent that you can monetise. 
You need to learn it as soon as possible.

At 35, its impossible for me to learn a new thing. But if you are in your 20s, PLEASE go learn a skill that you can monetise. Paint, draw, sing, play an instrument, code, learn magic, dance, do something that allows you to not depend on traditional sources of income.

B. You need to do things that scale. And compound. 
For example, if I manage operations at a company, what I do there, doesnt scale. On the other hand, if I create a book, if its good, I can earn royalties for the rest of my life.

So between trying to make ends meet by working on a safe job and doing something that can potentially give you money for the rest of your life, I think you ought to pick the later.

I made the mistake of not doing that. And if I can turn back time, I will club lessons 1 and 2 above. In fact I have started to believe that all that advice about travel and making merry and fun and all that in your 20s? Its crap! You ought to make money or gain monetizable skills. More on this in some more days.

C. Invest in relationships 
Thing is, as am growing old, I realise that I dont have any meaningful relationships – the kinds that stay with me and help me when I need help. Lemme give an example. In the shoot today, the guy who was shooting needed a studio. He could curry a favour and get that studio for cheap. One of my friends, he can ask a million people to get him a discount on literally anything that he wants to buy. I on the other hand cant think of a single person who would want to help me. And there are people that I have literally begged. To give me work and what not. And yet they havent.

So, the lesson is, you MUST invest in relationships while you can. With time these relationships will become deeper and better and will give you infinite returns. Dont be me who thought that its ok to be eccentric and the talent would pay of at some point in time in future. It may. But future is not really the best play to live, if you ask me.

Of course, your life. You choose if these are applicable to you. I can only talk from experience and hindsight.

***

So thats it for the day. What are the few things that you learnt today? Please do share.

PS: Love this post! And I use way too many Ands. And I need to control it. And with that, its over and out.

The Method in Madness

This post talks about how I work, what prompts my (business) decisions, what drives me and like the title says, the method behind the madness.


Three things prompted me to write this post. 


a. When I announced Open Office Hours, Sanjay advised me to make a list of all things that I do. And on top of those, make a list of things that I complete. And it wasn’t a great feeling to get sucker-punched in the gut. 


Of course, his input was valid. For, I am someone who is good with starting things but I suck at finishing. 


b. I bumped into a very old friend yesterday few days ago. She introduced me to her fiancé and said, Here’s Saurabh. He’s an amazing guy but he is flaky. A sucker-punch second time around. And a jab. 


Again, very valid. I suck at keeping in touch. I am driven by my comfort and my whims. I often don’t honor my commitments (disclaimer – personal commitments. I’ve met ALL work commitments, baring a handful. Its my reputation that has taken me this far (more about reputation as we go along)).


c. At work, two separate sets of incidents made me aware that I fail to inspire confidence in my people. Sucker-punch, left-jab and upper-cut. One short of KO. 


Really. I mean I could not sleep well the night I realised that people don’t have faith in me. I’ve always thought that I am the kinds that will be in your corner if you are ever in need. No, I don’t want to defend. I want to take an objective look at things. 


Lemme give context and talk about one of the incidents. 


I proposed something really radical and that meant people had to take giant leaps of faith to support the plan and the initiative. To me, its as clear as a clear sky that we have to do that. And good part is that my team agrees that we need to do it. But the team is not willing to take the leap. When I wondered why, I was told that such leaps of faith require the team to have faith in the leader. And a leader that the team knows will stick with them. And they said they don’t trust me enough (not just my ability but they don’t trust even the intent). 


Thing is, while I may say (to myself) that I don’t leave anyone in lurch; but if there are different opinions, I need to re-look at my leadership style. I do agree that I get bored easily and I move on fast. Like they fall like sack of potatoes after a KO? And I know that I am like that child in the candy store that wants every damn thing. Of course my attention span is shorter than that of a butterfly or even a goldfish or maybe the hummingbird. I move on faster than Ali could dodge hits. Ok, I am digressing. Point is, I agree that I fail to inspire confidence in my team and that is probably because I cant seem to stick with one thing for long. 


There are more examples. But I guess I’ve made the point. 

Oh, and if I have to reach the 1 million (and subsequently, the 1 billion goal), I need to be able to get people to buy-in. And to get the buy-in, people I work with need to understand the method in my madness. After all humans are rational creatures and if they know why I do the things I do, they probably will see things from my perspective! 

Also, I love to don multiple hats. I love to juggle lot of things at the same time. And this is reflected in my personal life and in professional. While this is not the best way to go about things and research after research and expert after expert has pointed that you need to have extreme focus if you want success. And I don’t disagree. In fact I advise people to remain focused and do one thing at a time. Just that I am made in a way that I cant focus. I tried for a bit to get focused but I realised that my output suffers when I do one thing. And, I do my best work (as rated and evaluated by me and me alone) when I do a million things at the same time! 


So I’ve accepted that I am going to be a scatterbrain all my life. I will be a fickle mind. I will be a Jack of all trades. And rather than being shy about it, I have accepted the way I am and I now try to maximise my output and thus the potential. 


Thing is, we get one life and I want to live it up and do it all (this probably explains my interest in multiple things). I refuse to be a mere bystander. And I obviously refuse to be a part of the rat race. 


*** 

So, in this post (after a mile-long introduction), I wish to talk about how I choose things that I work on. Or like I say, the method in my madness. I write this for my team, my partners, people I want to work with.

Ok. So every project I pick HAS to fall in one of the following buckets.

  • Reputation
  • Growth 
  • Network
  • Money
A good idea is something that falls in any of the above buckets. For example, xtyres would’ve helped me make money. Or for that matter, my personal blog helps me get better (as a writer at least). 
A great idea is something that is at the intersection of two buckets. Say speakers network. It would’ve made me money and it would’ve created a network of connections for me. 
And an awesome idea is that checks more than 3 boxes. For example, Open Office Hours. Apart from making money, it would do everything else. I get access to interesting people, I learn new things and I create a network! 

#note2self: May be work on only those ideas that check 2 3 or more? 

Each idea that I work on (on have tried to work on in the past), you WILL be able to trace back its origins to one of these buckets. 
I know that one big red flag is that there is no one theme or discipline to this (theme as in teaching, AI, tech, fashion, entertainment, marketing etc.). And probably that is where the problem is. More on this in a bit. 
Oh, these buckets are as of today. In the past I had few more buckets. Such as: 
  • Things that I enjoy
  • Things that give me that rush

And these buckets remain in flux. Like they say, change is the only constant. I tweak these buckets often.

For example, once I realised that rather than chasing rush, I ought to look at things from a longterm lens, I dropped the rush piece. So, I refuse to work on a project that could, say, kill me in exchange of that split-second excitement. No more fast cars for me ;P

Second example, I know that once I reach my billion, I will remove the money bucket. Because money will stop being important at that point. I will probably add the Impact bucket because I would have what it takes to create impact.

In fact, I am really tempted to add a Community bucket as the fifth variable. But I am on the fence. May be I will in a few months.

#sideNote. I am reading about OKRs from Doerr’s book and I really think its a powerful goal setting and tracking system. I will revisit this post once I’ve created my OKRs.

There is more. But for the time being, there are these 4 things. Lemme elaborate each.

A. Reputation. 
So reputation is easy to speak about. It’s the sum total of beliefs, opinions, understanding, hearsay, reviews, references etc in other people’s heads, about you! 
For example, what is the first word that comes to your head when you think of me? 
Flaky, in that friend’s case. 
Reliable, for Vanita. 
Contrarian, for Vivek. 
Loser, for sgMS. 
Dreamer, for rr. 
Romantic, for self. 
So my reputation is different for different people. And that to be honest is a challenge.

A great reputation is when what others think of you is largely consistent. Is in the same zone. 
In an ideal scenario, when I walk in a room, the person on the other side of the table must know that I am Saurabh and I am someone that will do what he’s promised and will makes things happen. That! That is the reputation that I wish to create for myself. Someone that enables and makes things happen. And enabler of what? Ideas, dreams, things, projects, dreams, lives. Get the drift?

So, if a project nudges my reputation in the direction, I am on board.

Stay with me.

Lemme add one more dimension to reputation.
I think reputation allows you to open doors that are otherwise closed to you. Example? If a big foreign brand wants to come to India, between a Tata and a Dhoot, who would they pick? That!

If you are stuck in a different country and you see a brand from India that you know is reputed, will you consume that? Or will you consume an unknown?

And of course its a double-edged sword. A bad reputation is a larger liability than a good reputation is an asset.

Reputations as they say takes 5 decades to make and 5 seconds to break. Each project I take up, each thing I do, HAS to be a step in the 5-decade long journey. I am no Tata but I need to work hard to be there!

Third dimension to reputation.
It has another general meaning. That of someone who is trustworthy, reliable, honest, authentic, genuine etc. And while I care about these traits in general, I don’t give two hoots to these when I create projects.

And why not?

Most of us have this internal bullshit meter that tells us if what we hear is worth our time. Or do we must ignore it. When I meet people, if they think I am full of shit, I will never make any inroads with them. That’s the reputation that they have of me. I cant change it. And in the world full of a million opinions and a billion thoughts, why bother? Better invest time in moving on and onward. Unless…

Unless they are the people you work with, want to work with. With those people you ought to work hard, cultivate it and take it from there.

So, it is important to be cognisant of reputation. I’ve sucked at this but I am improving. The journey of the 5 decades starts today. I will protect my reputation as if its the Princess Peach.


To summarise, if a project moves forward my reputation as a doer and an enabler, I am onboard. 


Oh, and no, do NOT confuse reputation with fame. Fame to me is one of those things that drag you down. Really. More on this someday. 
B. Growth.
I love nothing more than the ability to learn new things and grow. If there is one thing that I can pick up in life, as a common thread that has served me well, I’d pick growth.

In fact most things that I’ve started are driven by this one tenet. Here is a small list of projects that I am on. 


This blog? Helps me write better. 
Office hours? Makes me aware of interesting things and people.
Podium. Teach me more about events business. 
OnWriting. Make me a better writer. 
I can give more examples. But I guess you get the drift. Learning new things is the secret sauce.

So, what is growth for me?
Growth is when I learn new things, practise a skill, make myself better, pick brains, explore etc. Anything that helps me evolve, that keeps me engaged, that helps me push my limits, my boundaries, my brains. 

Why is this important to me?
Because I am not naturally talented (or as they say, gifted) in anything! I mean I am no singer, dancer, actor, speaker, writer, painter. Neither am I blessed with looks that allows me to get by life easily. And I don’t have a rich or famous lineage. And all these factors mean that if I have to have a good life (and give back and make the world a better place and make a dent etc), I need to work hard. And smart. 
Put hard and smart together and you automatically become someone that is like an information (or knowledge, if you will) sponge. You work hard to learn things. You use smartness to figure out the bits to persist with and what bits to let go. And you find your way around life. 
I can give examples. 
a, I am not a naturally gifted writer. But I think with constant practise (been writing this blog for 14 years now), I have been able to reach a point where what I write can open doors.

And I know doors open! I have made umpteen friends thanks to this blog. The book happened because of the blog and the book is like a visiting card for me. 

b, My bills are paid by C4E. And no, I don’t have any formal education in the events business. It just that I learnt things while I was at Gravity. I mean when I joined them way back in 2010, I could either choose to remain in the limbo, do my job and get back home. Or I could learn everything about the business. I did the latter and along with a host of other factors, the hunger to learn has helped me create a business that pays my bills! 
Staying with C4E, my biggest challenge is to grow the business. I don’t know how to do it. And I will learn what it takes to crack new business. May be in 5 years, I will look back at 2018 and I’d say that because I learnt how to create new business opportunities back in 2018, I could do all I’ve wanted to! 
Thing is, if I stop learning or stop growing, I’d better die and not waste resources. Life may be meaningless (a friend recently compared life with Sisyphus climb up the hill) but I think the meaning lies in being in the present and helping others.

Bottomline. If a project promises to make me better, I am on board. Tell me of the new things that I will learn. Tell me of the doors that the thing would open! 

PS: You may argue that you learn more and more about one thing only and grow so much in that one discipline that you are THE expert for that (thanks @oddtazz for the idea). Its such a great idea! Just that its not for me. Remember I said that I am the Jack of all trades? I don’t want to be the master.

Of course it has served well to others. Prof. Bakshi is an example. He put consistent time and effort on mastering the art of value investing and today, he is a worldwide authority. Something that has allowed him to create immense wealth. And impact. And he continues to inspires others (near and far). That’s an amazing life to have. But…

But, its not for me.

Hello, Jack!

To summarise, if by doing a project I get to grow, learn more, #bebetter, I am in! 

C. Network
Network has few definitions.

One.
Network means knowing people well enough that they are willing to back you up, stand by you, become your advocates. This ensures that doors open for you, opportunities present themselves to you, your reputation grows, you make money, you get closer to impact etc.

Example? If Rahul Yadav wants to start a new company, he can find a million investors to back him up. And he can get together a team that he wants!

Two.
Network also means reducing the degrees of separation from 6. To, say, 3. Why would you want to do this? So that you can act with speed. After all closer you are to the decision maker, better it is for you! Rather than wasting time on needless formalities and bureaucracy, you focus on getting things done.

Example. If I want to make movies, the ability to find a way to reach an Amitabh Bachchan goes up by a million if I am renowned author. Balki?

Three.
Network also means meaningful connections with people that may or may not result in direct business. But something that allows you to grow (see B above). Something that allows you to unwind after a hard day!

Example. If I knew the heads of marketing for large consumer companies, I could pick more insights and ideas and that would allow me to find more revenue streams from C4E.

Four.
Network also means the ability to connect dots and make things happen. You have an idea? You need a designer? A marketer? A coder? Lemme put all these together and get things done for you. That. Network. Powerful. Enable. Get things done.

Example. I’ve been struggling to find an alternate revenue stream for myself. If I could connect with more people and get them to do things for me, I could be faster. And I could actually ship!

Now that the definitions are out of the way, lemme get into the specifics.

So, one of those things that I am sore about in life is my inability to forge deep connections that typically help you get ahead (not just in terms of business but in terms of personal growth). I suck at it so bad that even a banyan tree can beat me in the race. Gary is faster than me! The other day I was lamenting that if I were to die tomorrow, the only two people I would to know about it are my sis and VG.

However, whatever little I have, has came to me because I had people helping me. Without expecting anything in exchange. The standing on shoulders of giants maxim is truer in my case than anyone else’s.

Oh and like other things in the Universe, Pareto works here. I can trace back all good things in my life to just about 5 people.

Now imagine that instead of 5 people who care for me, I had about 150 (do read about Dunbar’s), my life would probably be infinite times better.

Probably yes! You know? The law of numbers, probability and luck? That!

So, greater, stronger, better the network, better for you!

My favorite example?
One of the clients of one of my previous employers is a family business (worth at least a billion dollars). Their heir is about 19 and lives in London. And goes to school with the Prince of an African Kingdom and an upcoming actor who’s already got a few hits under his belt. Imagine the network (and thus influence and reach) in the next 15 years when he’s my current age! Add onto the fact that he has a billion-dollar pedestal that he’s standing on already!

This also reminds me of one of the projects that I created but couldn’t take it to fruition. I called it the Mastermind Group. The idea was to get 10 super smart people in a room and spend time bouncing around ideas. And the 10 people that we choose as part of the group had to have the potential of being one of the most 100 influential people in the world in 20 years! It was a fucking audacious vision. To see it to fruition, we had to be incredibly smart, persistent, lucky and all that.

And you know, I was ok if they threw me out of the group. The intent was to learn as much as I could in whatever time I got to spend with them.

And we failed. In terms of the lifecycle, the project was incomplete. Abandoned. But I did make a few friends and they remain the most trusted advisors till date!

You see an example of how trying to create network allows me to get lucky? Aim for the moon and land in the stars?

Of course I could not choose my parents either (ovarian lottery and all that). And I could not choose my network when I was younger. Heck I did not know that I ought to choose my network! If I knew, I would’ve done it.

But now, now that I know, I am conscious about what I do. I try and create a network with interesting people. Or with people that I think can be interesting. Bird in hand. And in the bush!

Of course this is constrained by understanding of life and people and all that. You will probably have a different lens and a different method to evaluate things. Point is, there is no denying the importance of the network.

Oh, you know Chris Sacca? He’s a product of genius and network. Closer home, I think Zishaan is pure network. You get the drift?

Of course I need to know how to cultivate the network. End of the day everything is a transaction and is selfish (think about it – you help others because you either get something back or it makes you happy or you are merely discharging your duties). So, network is as hard work as anything else is! I suck at it but I am learning. Do share tips and advice 🙂

Oh, sticking to advice, here’s some unsolicited advice. You need to start creating a network. Now. You spent the last 5 minutes reading this. That’s 5 minutes where you did not work towards creating your network. It’s that important! Why am I writing this? Because I want me team, my partners, my friends, supporters to know what they’re getting into when they choose to work with me. And I am writing this for other interesting people that may want to talk to me. And thus, trying to help my network!

So, to summarise, if a project allows me to know more interesting people, I am in. Even if its failed, doomed from the start, I am willing to invest my time, energy and resources to get to know more people. After all, people create magic!


D. Money
Of course.

If I said I am not driven by money, I’d be lying. I know money can’t buy happiness but not having money can make you unhappy. Plus money allows you to live in comfort AND work in comfort. And on top of everything, the important bit is that money allows to make bets that can take you closer to your life goals!

And why is money important to me?
In absence of any rational or measurable metric, I believe that the amount of money I make is the direct reflection of the impact I am having with your work.

I mean think of the top 5 people who’s made a dent in the world. And then figure out the amount of money they’ve made. Do you see a relationship? 

Oh, and please don’t give me names like Mother Teresa etc. She probably made the ding in her own way but did she did it with just altruism? She needed the money and a lot of people would’ve supported her. Even the greats like Leonardo and Picasso and all that needed patrons. No?

I don’t want to waste more bits and bytes on importance of money. Let’s just assume its important.

So, if there are projects where I can make money, I want in. Unlike VCs, I don’t look for 10x returns on all my investments. Ideally, some of them have to return 10x, some of course would go bust. But a majority has to just break even. That’s it.

#note2self. Is this one of the reasons my projects go bust? Because there is no financial viability to those? Need to think.

*** 
So yeah! This is method in madness. Like I said, this is the broad framework and not the specifics. I know that these do not belong to a theme per se. I know that scatterbrains have infinitely tiny odds of success. But this is it!

Hope you understand me a tad better. You may or may not agree with these but these are the heuristics that work for me and unless I see some very compelling evidence, I am not sure I want to change.

Finally, this could be is a selfish way to look at things. But that’s ok. I am not taking anything that is not rightfully mine. I am choosing to live my life in a certain way and I am ok if I miss out on a few things. That is what makes life worth living. No? 

In the end,
At the cost of being repetitive, these are the things that drive me and make me want to do things. You may or may not agree with these. But this is the best I can do to explain my thoughts and deeds. If you are in alignment, lets come together and do some crazy shit. There are mountains to climb, money wealth to be made, and people to be inspired and impacted. And time is short. Lets do this!

Why else are we here?

Footnote
While I wrote what makes me pick things, I want to write about what makes me drop ideas / projects mid way. What makes me “bored” and lose interest.

A long post will happen at some point in time, but right now, here is a bulleted list.

  • I get bored. And when do I get bored? When I start sensing that none of those 4 is happening. Give me constant excitement and I am your slave. 
  • The project reaches a point where I know I’ve hit the roadblock and unless I get a large external stimulus, it wont move ahead. I know I cant give up like that. I do try to get that shot in the arm. If I need more resources than what I can gather, I leave it to explore new things. I know its unfair (to the idea, more than the people) but such is life. Old has to make way for the new!
  • The project reaches a point where its not a challenge anymore. Like for example, I’ve always been fascinated by a Rubik’s. The day I realised that solving it requires you to merely practise 7 odd movements, I lost interest. And yes, I did learn those 7 steps. 
  • People I work with lose interest. I am the kinds to feed and survive on the energy of others. So the partners that I work with, if they lose interest and are reluctant to play the role that we decided they’d play, I tend to lose it. And since I am too “gentle” and too “human” in how I deal and I avoid “conflict”, I let things slack. But lately, I’ve realized that every time I’ve been rude, things have moved fast! So I need to think on this. #note2self. 
  • And finally, if during the course of the project, the reasons that I started it for changes, I drop it. For example, the opportunity is no longer around, we are too late to make money or impact etc. etc. 
  • Oh, one more thing. I used to a perfectionist and that made me abandon a lot of things. Now I believe in shipping. Or as MM says, done is better than perfect! So this should get fixed. 

Oh and having said all these things, things that I need to work hard on are
  • People skills 
  • Persistence 
  • Finishing
And finally, here are a few things for you to think on.

  • Whatever you do, does that help you grow as an individual? 
  • What would you epitaph say when you die? 
  • What is the first word that you think people have for you? Is the word consistent? In the same zone?

That’s about it. Thank you for the patience. You’ve just read 4800 words!

If you read this till the end, do let me know what you think and how can I improve. Oh, and the coffee / beer is on me.

PS: Thanks to SG2 for the inputs on this post. She said that maybe this could be positioned as a guideline of the values and systems that defines me and makes me tick. Because if you share values, other things fall in place. So this could be the set of values that I define myself with and if you do too, we can potentially create a long-lasting and effective partnership.

Masters of Scale

Few things.

A.
Each month, I send an email to all contacts at C4E. This month I wanted to send out work from award winners at Cannes (here’s the newsletter that I finally sent, featured 3). And rather than sending anything at random, I wanted to curate a list of 5 (or 10) pieces that I have loved from all those that are on showcase. While I was going through the list of winners and seeing their work, I realised that the quality of work, the scale at which things happen and where we I stand in comparison.

B.
I was unwell yesterday the day I started to write this and since I dont take medicines, I was uneasy. And I was irritable. To the point that I was alone. And when I was at my wits ends, I succumbed to the temptation and subscribed to Netflix to kill time. 
And once I got it, I put on House of Cards. I started with S3E1 and in there, Doug succumbs to alcohol. Thats not the point (the similarity between Doug and I). The point is that in that episode I realised that work could be so important for people that they’d lay their lives for it. I mean Doug gets a sliver of window to meet the President and even though he cant walk and he breaks his arm while showering, he goes through excruciating pain and makes it to the meeting. People and their work means so much to them. And here I am. Rather than doing things that scale, I am blogging about it.

Then I saw an episode of Elementary. I was reminded of my love for the series because of the way Sherlock and Watson go under the skin of people and decode them. I wish I was as brilliant. I wish I could read things. I wish I could solve individual problems that were unsolvable. What I currently do can be done by anyone in the world. Where is my individuality? What makes me unique? Am I making sense? 


. . .

What defines me? What boils my blood? Why am I alive? What is my raison d’etre? This one I know – to entertain and enable others. But thats not the point. Point is, what am I doing about it? Why am I content with being a paper-pusher? I mean my work is great and I know why I do what I do. But where is scale? Or Impact? How many people have I entertained? Impacted? Enabled?

I feel I am stuck at where most other people are. I have an ok career. Ok life. Ok things. Everything is ok about what I do and where I am. Mediocre. Nothing is great. Nothing is extraordinary. I dont make any difference to anyone’s life. Maybe I do, once in a while. But where is the perpetual excitement of having moved a ball?

I think, the other thing is lack of impact at scale. Most of what I do remains at the individual level (when I spend time with some great people with whom I work). Or at a few hundreds at best (when I put together an event and that too for the duration of the event). There is no perpetual change. I dont tilt the Earth. I dont make a ding in the universe. Worse, I dont create. The largest thing that I’ve ever created is the book. And that too has sold less than 2500 copies. That means I have not entertained even 2500 people! 


And you know what sucks the most? I dont have anything in my hand that allows me to do that even in the future. And I dont know how to go about it. And I dont know who to talk to about this. 

P.S.: So, I agree that House of Cards and Elementary are fictional pieces. I agree that no one starts working at scale from day zero. I know that you have to work towards it. I know there is a time and place and all that. The question is, where is mine? When would I do things that would make me exhausted with happiness? 

P.P.S.: Title inspired by RH’s podcast – Masters of Scale. You HAVE to listen to this if you want a better life for yourself.

I cried

Few facts first.

  • I am 34. Will be 35 this year. In other words, I will be past my prime in a few months.
  • My bank balance as we speak is 39000 and change. And no, I dont own a house. Or a car. I do own some stock.
  • I have no clue what I want to do in life. At different times in life I have wanted to make software, produce movies, become a travel writer, be an investor, teach, play poker professionally, play cricket, become a politician, make documentaries, be a twitter celebrity, become a publisher author, an adrenaline junkie and I dont even recall half of the things! A bucket list is here. 
Why am I talking about all this? Because I just a documentary on Warren E Buffett and at a point in the documentary, I cried. Will come back to it in a bit. 
For the time being, if you are alive and you think you want to be a better person, you have to see it. Its on youtube here. Dont know how long its gonna stay there. Do see it while its around. Content like (expensive to produce, insightful etc) belongs in the public domain. Never know why museums are ticketed so high. In fact one of the things that I want to do in life is to create such things. That allow humans to learn more. 
Am digressing. 
Coming back to the documentary. I’ve known of WEB since 2004 (atleast) when Prof. Bakshi first talked about him at MDI. And since then I have consumed numerous pieces of text about him. I am, what they say, a fan. And I adulate him all the time. 
So, when I heard about the documentary, I did not think much of it. After all whatever WEB says can be easily summarized in few lines. I was half-expecting it to be boring and yet another “fan” made documentary that will recycle facts and snippets from other previously published pieces of text. 

But I couldn’t be more wrong.

The documentary had original footage and interviews with the most important people in his life – Charlie, Melinda & Bill, his children and couple of friends (including Carol Loomis). I got the rare look into his office. There were pics from his family album, footage from his personal archives and above all – interview with him, on things that are important to him. For the first time, I saw WEB as a human being. I saw his private life like I’ve never seen before.

It just made the demigod more human.

So, in the documentary he talks about things like Coke, Float, Bill Gates, Philanthropy, Moats, See’s Candies, his family, his team, various companies that he’s bought and most importantly, about himself.

While watching and I could be wrong here, I realised that the relationship with his wife probably was strained. After all he was busy reading all the time. And she admits that she and WEB differed on their respective approaches towards philanthropy. She believed that she had to give more money, sooner. He believed in the power of compounding and wanted to wait out as long as he could, before he gave it away. In the end, he got what he wanted, like he has always had.

And when the documentary talks about his decision to give his wealth away. And when they showed that press conference when he signs those letters to give away his wealth to his children and Bill Gates, I broke. I cried. With tears and flowing nose (despite my nasal polyps) and all that.

I dont know why I ended up in tears. Probably the gravity of the decision? The impact that his life would have on the world? Probably it was his greatest gift to his wife (that I think came too late and WEB would say, came just at the right time)? Probably because his life is in contrast to mine and Ive been thinking a lot about mine lately.

This is where I talk about me. Rant.

Compared to WEB who is super-focused at what he does, I am all over the place. And not that I havent tried to come back to one thing, its just that it feels stuffy when I do that. I am not myself. May be I am not supposed to be focused. And like Sheldon says, “we will never know.”

I dont know what I want to do. I am competitive but I am not like WEB. I want to make the money – to use it as a tool to work towards making the world a better place. And how do I make the world better? I dont know yet. Neither did WEB. But WEB had the tools – reading and focus – and the understanding of things like reputation, compounding and other things. And most importantly he was in the game to come out a winner. And he knew what game he wanted to play. So, he played the game. And everyday he trained himself along the way (and continues to do so, even at the age of 86). And eventually he reached a point where money became unimportant. And then he figured (thanks to his wife and other things in his environment) how he planned to make the world better. Wow! What a life! What a person! 
For me, it I need to know the game I ought to be playing and then honing the skills till I have a superior, unfair disadvantage over others. So that I can make money.

Except that I am 35 and I have bills to pay. 

The other thing. Do I even need to do this? Do I really want to do this? Why do I even want to make money? If my memory serves right, I have always wanted to be the richest man in the world. I wanted to be a dollar millionaire at 25 and a dollar billionaire by the time I am 35. I actually told this to a friend at MDI (Saumya J – hope she remembers). Another 5 odd months to go. I am worth about 15000 dollars. About a gazillion times less than what I had planned. 

Compare me to 2 of the 5 people that I spend most of my time with. Last night I went on a drive with them. Both are pretty successful, on all counts. Happily married (to two wonderful women), each(family) has a kid. Both own cars, properties that run into crores (almost dollar millionaires), they have fulfilling careers, are reasonably fit and suffer from no large, life-threatening ailments to speak of. Days are full of mindless action that a high-performing naukri entails and weekends are spent with family and watching movies and running errands and there are holidays twice a year. And they both seemed pretty oblivious to fact that life could mean more (they are, as WEB says, “sleepwalking through life” – which is not wrong, but that is not for me). And I seemed lost for words to explain what that more could be. 

I saw this glimpse into WEB’s life and I immediately knew what that more is. More is spending time doing things that you are uniquely positioned to do – outcome of Ovarian Lottery. In my case, more time I spend with life and things, more I realise that my purpose is teaching. Its mentoring. Its entertaining. Getting people to achieve their dreams. Ideally a combination of all four. I just need to find a way to reach a point where I could do it at a scale that impacts billions of people. Lately, I have started saying that by the time I die, my work has to impact a billion people. I dont know the shape of my work and I hope I will find it as I go along. Just that it sucks that I am 35 already and there is that looming threat of an unpredictable end. Often when you expect it the least.

Anyhow, a few other things that I am taking away from WEB and the documentary are:

  1. Health. He gives an analogy that if you could get just one car for the rest of your life, how will you take care of it? Your body is that car. Will you not take care of it? 
  2. Focus. Though I am not sure I best exemplify this. So I am going to leave it at that.
  3. Relationships. I need to have a Susie around. Though I am not sure about kids. 
  4. Compounding. If there is one thing that you could take away from his life, it would be compounding. Not just in terms of money but other things. You write everyday. You workout everyday. The key is everyday. Build on top of other work.  I dont know if there is anything that I own that is compounding. 
  5. Reputation. Enough said. 
  6. Purpose. WEB made all the money in the world that he could. And then he gave it all away. Why was he doing it? What made him tick? I think the answer is that he was super competitive. More than anyone else. And he enjoyed it. And thats what made him do what he did. And when he gave it all away, he would have thought of no other, better way to use that money. The best part? Rather than he getting into things, he gave it to people he thought were best suited to use it! (circle of competence).
  7. Death. Mortality is a very very real thing. And with each passing day, we are getting closer to it. And that means, each passing day, you have to try harder. And we ought to do things that make us happier, better and more fulfilled. 
That’s it.

Do see the documentary. Its worth its weight in gold. 

10 things I learned after #tnks happened

Buy my book here! 

If you live under a stone, you would have missed the big thing I did last year – publish a book! More about it is at www.tnks.in. Do check it out.

So its been two months since the book came out and here is a list of 10 things that I learnt. The hard way.

  1. Unlike what you want to believe, the world does not stop going around because you’ve written a book. There are far too many authors and farer tooer manyer books in the world. And no, no one wants to know when your next book is going to come out. Even if you’ve booked a domain name for it a year in advance. 
  2. People don’t mob you asking for your autograph. In fact they don’t even know you. When you tell them that you’re a published author, they go “uh huh… so?” and you don’t have an answer. 
  3. When people actually do stop to talk to you about books, more often than not they are not they are not curious about yours. Or you. They want to know if you’ve had any tryst with Chetans or Amishs of the world. 
  4. If the book does not sell, the only person to blame is you. No one else. Your book is your priority. No one else’s. Not even if they are your publisher, your editor, your mother, your friend, your agent. You and you alone are responsible. Even if you get a tiny percentage as royalty. No wonder they say that writing is the loneliest profession in the world. 
  5. You know what is lonelier than writing a book? Marketing it. Marketing your book is like pimping yourself. It’s like selling your soul. It is very similar to job hunting. Or trying to find someone to date. For each of these, you are supposed to sell yourself. You are supposed to extol the virtues (that may or may not be your strong suit). And you are supposed to hide your vices. You do it once, it’s awkward. You do it twice, it’s soul-stirring. You do it more than that, you start considering yourself as the greatest loser (well, sorest loser) to have walked on Mother Earth. Ever. Funny that all first-time writers (well, most) do this and seem totally ok with it. I, on the other hand am not. Why? Any shrinks reading this? 
  6. If you somehow get over the innate shyness to make enough noise about your book in this world full of clutter, do not expect it to catapult you to fame and success and money and interviews and matrimonial proposals and movie offers and other such things. It takes forever to gain traction with your book. Historians estimate that Birbal could cook his khichidi faster. 
  7. The book is not a way to live a life free from a job. Most authors have to maintain a full-time job. Why do people even want to write books when they know that it hardly pays (baring a few great ones like Chetan and Amish). So, the dreams you had of quitting your job after you wrote your book? Let em be in that fuzzy dreamy state for a few more years. May be few decades. Or, may be marry a woman who takes up the challenge to earn bread for family and allows you to be a stay-at-home writer. It would be so cool actually! If you know of any single, career-oriented women looking to settle down with a happy-go-lucky guy, please point them to me. Apart from being bald, overweight and slightly on the older side, I am perfect! References available. On request. 
  8. Oh, there are side effects of being a writer. You think so much that you lose hair (ok, I made that up to cover for my bald head). But you do put on weight because all you do the entire day, is write. You type, type, recover crashed hard disk, write some more and then hope like hell that some publisher likes it. So you put on weight. And you become boring because you don’t have time to step out and enjoy parties and all that. People around you start dismissing you as a boring recluse that is lost in his stories all the time. Well, people are often right. Case in point? Your’s truly. Wait a minute. What does “your’s truly” even mean? Who invented it? Is it one of those Indian-English inventions? Must be. Moving on…
  9. You inadvertently become a grammar nazi. Even though you are an Indian and your introduction sounds like “myself Sunder Srivastava,” and your grammar skills are sketchy at best, you tend to think of yourself as custodian of lingua britannica. And every time you see or hear or come across someone who makes a typo or a mistake (was vs were, you’re vs your, its vs it’s, ok vs okay, et al) you take it as personal offense. You want to castrate that person, you want to pack that person off to Bangladesh or any other fourth-world country. Of course your first book has so many typos and grammatical errors that you could be banned from using English language for the rest of your seven lives. Classic case in point of mediocre yet arrogant attitude, hypocrisy and delhiwallah-showoff attitude. 
  10. You get a lesson in humility. To be honest, you don’t really want it. It just happens. You actually want to become that arrogant prick that gives hard time to everyone around him all the time. But you realize you can’t. Because to be arrogant, you need to have some substance that the world would tolerate your shenanigans for. The book you thought that was your gift to the mankind, the best thing to have happened since the advent of the printing press, a knight in the shining armor for that generation that is bored of those predictable stories, gets lukewarm response. And you automatically become humble. So humble that you are often found knocking at unknown doors, hoping to slip in a word about your book at those places. Oh, do you know of some places where I can talk about my book? 
Thats 10 things. Of course I learnt way more than 10 things. These ten were the most nagging of em all. Someday, time permitting, I plan to write an entire book about the process of writing a book so that you may go write your book! Yeah, a book about how to write a book. Like a recursive function. Like a feedback loop. Like a robot that can reproduce. I am not kidding.


Lemme know if you would want to read it. I will make it available for free if there are enough requests. Until then, please buy my book!

P.S.: If you find any typos in this, any grammar mistakes in this, please do let me know. Will you? 

God Mode vs I Don’t Give a Fuck Mode

All my life, actually since I’ve played Q3A, I have often dreamed of a real life God Mode where I could get immortal and do whatever I want to. I have written about it in the past as well. I thought I have but I havent. Anyway the other day I went dinnering at a friends place and while talking about life and other things in general, we started talking about a guy that we knew some years back. According to my friend, that guy was irreverence personified and stood for everything anti-establishment. I thought that he is talking about that guy being in the God Mode.

Fast forward, while driving down a highway, most of my best ideas have come in while I was driving, I was thinking about the conversation and I realized that I was wrong. God Mode and the mode that that common friend seemed to be operating in, the I Dont Give a Fuck Mode are two distinct ones. Let me elaborate on them.

God Mode is:

  • When you are not scared to take risks because deep down you know that you can’t die and hence there is nothing that can touch you. 
  • The mode you get in when you become the part of higher management at a large organization where you are just a number.
  • When you fly. You fly as in fly. There is no Gravity. There is nothing to hold you back. You can soar. Soar like a hot air balloon. And then then soar some more like something that is in orbit. And then may be even escape the orbit. Fly like that.
  • When you know that its temporary and God Mode can end any instant. You merely live for the adrenaline rush that the God Mode gives you. The rush that you may get addicted to, like a junkie.
  • And because you know that God Mode is temporary, you try to make the most out of it. You run faster, you fly higher, you gather as many power ups, you back stab more people and so on and so forth. Because its all temporary.

I Dont Give a Fuck Mode is:

  • What August operated in, throughout Upamanyu Chatterjee‘s brilliant debut novel.
  • When you know that Dont Give a Fuck Mode is a perpetual state of mind. You know that you can get killed in an instant but yet you dont give a fuck. You are not scared to die. You dont welcome it either, but when life or death is immaterial. What is important is the flight of fancy. Important is you doing things as per your whims, not because someone else expects you to do something else. Heard about not being part of rat race?
  • The mode that you are born with. The mode that you are hard wired to have. You either know about it since forever, or you realize that you have it as you go along. But its there.
  • The mode that is evident in all your endeavors. The mode is visible to everyone around you. You may or may not know that you are operating in such a mode but its there. Its screaming out loud from your entire countenance. You know that swagger some people walk with? That. Of course it could get you killed if you met someone else with an even bigger swagger but that’s the point. Right? Of I don’t give a fuck?
  • And finally, when you do NOT have to work hard to develop and operate in the I Dont Give a Fuck mode. Its there. Or it isnt. 

And all my life, I lived in the delusion that I operate in God Mode and hence I was untouchable and I could do whatever. But I dint realize it, till I sat with my friend and discussed with him about the common friend, that I was so wrong. So so wrong. Wrong like fuck. Actually, fuck is not wrong. God Mode is. Ok, now I am just rambling.

But I do have a coherent question though. And a pertinent one at that. Which mode do you operate in? 

Credit Note. Starting this post, I shall try and include these credit notes. For this one, thanks Parijat for inspiration. Thanks AR, the common friend that I have talked about. Thanks James for this post. And I used Inkscape to create the header image.

Lowest point of my life

Alert. Extremely personal. If you know me, read on. If you dont, please dont judge me by this. If you dont care, treat this as fodder to your voyeuristic instincts.

So ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be rich. And when I say rich, I want to be filthy rich. So much so that I want to conquer the Antilla and get more famous than Bill, Steve or Warren. I always belived that money for me is like a means (not n end) to achieve larger goals.

Mukesh Ambani’s Antilla

Little did that I know that in pursuit of money, I am becoming have become a slave to money. Its on my mind all the time and I cant think of anything but money. I keep track of every rupee I spend I try to cut corners and save as much as I can. Guess nothing wrong with it but today something happened that opened my eyes.

The incident, I will not go in the details, happened and I lost 2 lakhs. No fault of mine or anyone else. It just happened and the money just away. I mean I will get it back on Monday most probably but as of now I am down by 2 lakhs. No, I did not lose it in poker and neither did I misplace it. It just happened. And I go so furious about it that I almost broke my laptop and seethed in anger for a good part of the morning and evening. I yelled at my really good friend and I squarely blamed him for the fiasco (and I live with this guy FYI). I cant say he was not at fault but I was equally at fault. I was surprised at myself for the way I was reacting and talking to my friend. As I write this, its making me even more awful about the entire thing.

This has to be the lowest point of my life. I have never felt so bad and so small about things.

But lesson learnt and time to move on. The amount may not be small by any standards but its definitely not that big that it makes me lose my calm and boil my blood. Its one life and we have a very very short span here. Cant waste in getting angry over trivialities.

Like these guys said…

From now on, am no longer a slave to money and its allure.

The Wonder Years

So I met this TV anchor from the yesteryears that I used to have a huge crush on, while I was growing up in the 90s. At that time I could have happily given one arm and probably a leg as well to just see her once in real life. She had the most awesome smile ever and although the show she hosted was about English music, I did not understand a single thing she said but I still tuned into the channel religiously to see her come up and smile. It was one of those useless wonder year things that I dint even remember, till I realized that I would be meeting her.

So I went ahead with a twinkle in my eyes, my almost bald head neatly combed (took me all of 30 seconds), my beard neatly trimmed and in my favorite green shirt. And there she was, the lady of my wonder year dreams. And that is when I got the jolt and the dream got shattered into million little pieces of glass and ivory.

Now, when I am almost a man, she is on the wrong side of the thirties. And unlike some women who develop a charming grace when they grow old, this one hadnt. This one just looked like an older and “fuller” version of herself from the TV show. And that meant that the awesome smile was intact, apart from lines and blemishes on the skin that she has been trying to hide using all those beauty products that Sonam Kapoor and the likes peddle on TV.

It was like seeing the rude side of the concept called life. I realized that time is the mother of all sorrows that a human being can face. Take this woman for example. Despite all the money and fame, she cant do shit about how she looks despite she being the apple of the eye of the entire nation in her yesteryear. And then once I reazlied that shes been using beauty products to stay “young”, I felt sorry for her. She has to resort to things like her beauty to actually make a living now. Thankfully I would have a sane head and hopefully I would not have to resort to things like that when I am old. And come to think of it, I would never be old! I can be watever age and in whatever physical condition, I would still be in demand!

Stars and Religion

Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked

… what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would become religious overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead the stars come out every night, and we watch television.

From Pauk Hawken‘s commencement address to the University of Portland. Via designthinking