Life – Page 4

Rich SG. Poor SG.

I am rich. At least in my mind.

And in my mind, like all rich people, I love to travel. I love to take afternoon naps. I like spending time in luxury. I don’t have to go to an office. I can spend my time in chasing “higher” pursuits. Such as art, craft, thinking and creating new knowledge.

In real life however, I am merely rich in the way I consume technology. In terms of things I know. In terms of my dreams. I am also rich when it comes to the kind of conversations that I can hold (but do they feed you? No?). But I am rich. Filthy rich.

I am rich when it comes to visualizing. Isn’t that what texts like Secret, NLP, Rich Dad, Poor Dad etc. say?

Yet..

I am poor. In real life.

I don’t know where would the next meal come from. Ok that was exaggeration. You may scratch that please. But I am poor in the sense that I don’t have a car, I don’t have a house, I don’t have fancy clothes, I don’t have power, I don’t have respect. All those things that Kwan consists of, I don’t have any of that. Kwan btw is Love, Respect, Community and Dollars.

I am so poor that I don’t know where to go and work out of. Ever since I thought I could work for myself, I have been on the lookout for that perfect place that I could sit out and work out from. Despite my desperate attempts I haven’t been able to find something.

Damn this life of poverty and limited means. Damn the world that made the concept of money and damn me that I am unable to do something about my situation.

P.S.: For the context, this rant came out of a combination of a lot of things that have been gnawing over my comfort for last few weeks. These are…

My decision to not work full time for someone else.
In the long run, an attempt to create something gives me location and financial independence. This means I can choose what I work on, when I work and how much I am paid for it. It’s not easy, as I am discovering now.
In the medium run, try and get paid enough to pay the bills for my family and me.
In the short term, my inability to find a cheap solution to my hunt for a place where I could sit and write / work. I am rich enough to have the quirks of not having a home office. And poor that I can’t afford Starbucks and other such places.

I am in love!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and children of all ages, here is a grand announcement.

I am in love! I. AM. IN. LOVE!

With Frances. Of the Frances Ha fame. I will get to her in a minute. In the meanwhile, let me get a couple of disclosures out of the way.

a. I am FINALLY over sgMS. Long story. For a different day. But, I am back to being on the lookout for that perfect love. If there is something like that. The romantic is me (who has this never-ending zest for life) would want to believe that there is. The pragmatic in me (who stares at a balding old man in the mirror, growing older by the day, every morning while cleaning my teeth) says it’s a myth. I’d let time decide.

b. I don’t watch movies unless something is really really recommended or I get amazing company. So when Prateek recommended Frances Ha, I was slightly skeptic. But Prateek is a master at people watching and he knows how to read people bette than anyone else I know. If he recommends something, I take it very seriously. So I had to watch it.

Coming back to Frances.

I am in love! I am saying this for I don’t know, a hundredth time. And I can say it a 100 more times if I have to. Because I am. I could not imagine that someone like Frances could actually exist. Even if she is a figment of imagination of a film maker.

She is everything that I ever want to be. She is a little mad, a little quirky, a little creative, a little jealous of her best friend, a little lost, a little human, a little cool, a little interesting, a little mysterious, a little impulsive, a little wanderlust, a little this and a little that. But, but, she is super super adorable. The kind I could live my life with. The kind that would make life worth living. The kind that would make me want to plan for elaborate surprises.

To be honest, to stumble on someone as great is no mean feat. Especially when it’s coming on the back of an on-off relationship with probably the best thing (apologies to the feminists for objectifying her) God ever made, #sgMS.

So in the movie, Frances is this not so young woman who is on a perpetual look out for the love of her life, little sunshine, some money to be able to have a place of her own and her identity. The hunt takes her to interesting places, throws her in interesting parties, makes her bump into interesting people and takes her to oddball jobs. The movie follows her adventure as she finds her way through life. Through tribulations, sorrows, drunken night outs and awkward dates.

She says, “I like things that look like mistakes.” And a man around her says that she’s “undatable.” Would you not fall for a woman like that? You know that feeling? When you meet someone and you know that she is PERFECT for you!

Let me change tracks and talk about myself here for a second now. I have no shame or guilt in admitting that I am undatable as well. And I am lost. And I want a place of my own and I want my own identity. And I want money. Lots of it. Having made a list of all these things I want, I still don’t know what I really want. I refuse to stick to one job yet I believe that I am great at whatever task I take up.

Do you see where I am going with this? Don’t you think I ought to get a Frances in my life to share my highs and lows with? So, here is the million dollar question. Would you want to be my Frances? You want to make a mistake? And do you like things that look like mistakes? I promise I would stick around. I tend to. Find me on FB, Twitter and other places. Give me a sign. If there’s one thing I have done right, it is that I have made myself very easy to find – on the web. The code word when you do it is, like Frances would mockingly say, “Ahoy Sexy!”

P.S.: Thanks Prateek for recommending the movie. You very well knew that I don’t watch movies but I did see this one and did I love it? Hell yeah!

P.P.S.: The love thing with Frances? It was not that love-in-first-sight kind of love. I am too old for that. She grew on me. I was confused in the beginning about my feelings for her but when she finally reached Paris in the movie and had that conversation with her friend, I had my aha moment. You have to watch the movie.

Reclaiming life (search for meaning)

Wrote this towards the end of last year. Couldn’t post it back then because the post got extremely person it. But now that I know that I am back to being good, here it is!

This is an edited version.

As the new year dawns closer, I am in my thinking mode that I get in towards the end of every year. I think about what went right, what went wrong and how to change things. And I realize that one thing that I am very sure is that I want to be the master of my time and there is no way I’d let someone else control my time.

This day on, I promise that no one else will control my time.

Why this time-bound thing all of a sudden?

Because when your nose starts bleeding all of a sudden and a trickle of blood starts dripping from somewhere inside your nose and makes a puddle on the white-tiled floor below, you know that your time is limited. It’s like that wake up call that shakes and wakes you up.

If it were a one-time occurrence, you may dismiss it. But when the bleeding happens again and this time soils the bed-sheet you are on, you realize that life is fragile and you dont have control over it. You realize that life is indeed limited and precious and you ought to row your boat, however small it may be; Rather than being a captain of the largest ship they ever made.

The deep red liquid that supports life, when you see it flowing like that, it makes you question the meaning of life. The more evolved ones may have questioned before me. But then I am one of those “if it doesn’t affect me, I am not affected by it” kinds. It sucks to have such a philosophy but that’s how I am made. I want to change but I haven’t been able to. May be someday I would. For the time being, I know that my time is limited and I ought to control it. I can no longer be at the mercy of others. I need to address that meaning of life question now!

I dont know how many more days I have left but I better make the most of em. And unlike a lot of other people who have real talent, the closest thing I have, that I can call talent, is the ability to write. I may not be a good writer but I know that writing gives me pleasure. I know that I love to see words appear magically on the screen in front of me. I know that it’s a vocation that I can better at, if I keep at it, if I keep showing up.

So, while I continue to question the meaning of life, I am going to continue to write. Till I find answers, if there are any.

In terms of meaning of life, is life about making a difference? Is it about immortality? I have no clue.

But whatever it is about, I know that I ought to be healthy and happy. And I ought to master my time.

Next question is, how!

The Life Triangle

Source: Unknown

Apologies for the rant last night. I was probably intoxicated by my inability to get things done and my thoughts were paralyzed by my financial condition.

Now that I have slept over it, it sounds like a trifling thing.

Actually to be honest, it’s not trivial at all. It is important. It’s one life. We live only once. And we better live it with peace, happiness and with friends and family while we are at it. What else is the purpose of life?

So, from where I stand, I think of life in three variables. Money, Health and Writing. Health is a larger theme encompassing physical, mental and emotional health. And of course, on top of these three are things like family, friends, relationships and other such things that make us human.

Let me talk about each now. Start with writing. Writing gives me pleasure. Though I am not sure if it can pay my bills. It can’t. Not right now. May be sometime in future.

Money is what makes the world go around. To be able to do nothing but write, to live in the mountains, to travel the world, to buy those gadgets, that car, it takes money. And apart from me, everyone seems to be making enough and more of it.

Health is probably the most important of the three. If I not in the pink of my health, I cant enjoy the orgasm that I get from writing, I cant ride that bike that I would’ve bought from all the access money I would have and I definitely would not be able to enjoy the mountains and beauty around it.

So I need to juggle these three tough balls (of money, heath and writing), while walking on a tight rope that is stretched on the poles of relationships, friends, family and other emotions.

I can’t fall down for sure. And I don’t want to drop these balls either. It’s like being on the guard all the time. It’s like being that circus artist that has a million eyes watching him; and he has to perform, even if he is unhappy or unwell or bored or something. There is no way he can let his guard down. There is no way he can not perform. And worse part, ~~you~~ he can’t even say that he’s bored or tired or unhappy.

Damn life!

There was a time when I thought I could manage all three and get things done. I did it for a few days. But I guess I was wrong.

I can’t manage all three. Leave three, I am having tough time figuring just one of the three out.

How do you guys do it?

The Impending Monday

So this is what it feels like.

When tiny chores get piled up for the last two days of the week. When despite two clear days, you can’t seem to get even one chore done. When the two clear days blur and the Friday evening merges into the Saturday morning that in turns creeps into the Sunday; all without you realizing that it has happened. When before you know, the weekend is over. When the gloominess of the impending work week that you’d have to spend trapped in office sets in. When you miss your days as a free bird where you were the master of your time and the concept of work week was alien to you. When you start craving for that time as the free bird to come back; even if it meant financial insecurity. When the financial security starts feeling like a chain around your ankles and life looks boring. When you start questioning the meaning of life. When you watch Steve Jobs talk about life again and again. And when Steve says the think about looking into the mirror, you think of the ticking time bomb. When you look for reasons to clock in mandatory nine hours and try to diffuse that time bomb; even if none of those nine was spent on any actual work. When by the first hour itself, you start comparing yourself to other rats in the race. When the futility of it all hits you in the face and you cant comprehend why are the other rats so oblivious to misery of a financially secure life. When you forget the futility bit because the ~~fancy~~ paycheck that you get allows you to go to fancy restaurants and afford things that you never could. When you do buy those things, it dawns on you that you have no time to enjoy those things because you don’t have the time. When you suddenly have to go sleep by 9 on Sunday night because you dont want to be late to work the next day. Oh when you dread things like getting in late. When the little question from the poor administrative office feels like a nag from an old, sore wife. When the entire experience feels like dragging a dead relationship because you don’t want to let go; hell, you can’t let go. When the entire thing makes you depressed about it. When the fogs of depression dont let you see a way out. And when the fog lifts, you realize that life’s reduced to staring at the clock, hoping it would go faster; but the torturous clock actually ticks slower than it ought to and no one can help. When you suddenly think that may be, just may be, if you believed in God, may be He would have have helped the clock go faster. When you realize that others that believe in God are faring no better. When you see those God-fearing zombies all around you, happily walking into the doors of slavery. When you can’t understand what makes the other slaves tick and so excited about the mundane days ahead for the rest of their lives. When the gloom of the predictable eventually sets in. When you get used to it. When you become a part of the crowd rather than screaming. When, when, those jokes, those stories, those anecdotes, those cartoons about perils of Monday mornings start to make sense. When you are.. you are…

Epicness!

So if you know me, you would know that all my life I have been scared of kids. Not scared actually. But there is some other emotion at play that I can’t pinpoint. I can not, just can not be in the same room as kids. I hate them. Detest them. Don’t want to be anywhere close to them. Please dont blow these words out of proportion. I merely mean that I, Saurabh Garg, am not fond of kids. And I have no problem with other kids. I mostly leave them alone. I just don’t like them around me. May be I would when I am old and won’t have anyone else to call of my own. Whatever.

But yesterday night, something epic happened. Epic as in E P I C. I took a 3-month old baby in my arms. Let me call her babyNeo for ease of reference. Ok, so babyNeo may not be 3-months, she’s something like 6-months. But she still is a big orange ball of flesh. She kept clawing at my face and my arms and it was the most brilliant feeling. Almost up there with time spent with sgMS. That brilliant. Yeah man!

No, I am not excited about holding her again. It was that one off thing. Like those things that you do just once in life? Party in Vegas, Bungee jump, road trip across America and so on and so forth.

But yes, it was EPIC and it had to come on the blog. Even though I am swarmed with work and thoughts about life and things. More soon. Over and out.

Hello, Mr. First Timer!

I subscribe to a few blogs and newsletters. One of them is by this guy called Jack Cheng. His last newsletter talked about things he did for the first-time in the last week.

Taking inspiration from him, here is a list of things I did for the first-time in my life, ~~in the last week~~ till the time of writing this. In no particular order.

Slept for over 18 hours on Sunday. The time when I was awake, I took a flight, ate, showered and walked. No phone calls, no conversations, no interruptions. It was just me, with myself. Wish life had more days like that.
Asked the 50 dates girl out. She runs this blog, 50 dates in Delhi. Love the project. Love the way she writes. I had to make friends with her. Wrote in and asked her out. And no, she hasn’t responded so far. Knowing of her popularity, I dont expect an answer. But, like Geeta says, karm karo, fal ki chinta nahi. [Update. Before I could publish, I did get a reply!]
Pushed, shoved, tugged, dragged a shopping cart full of things that I bought for someone else’s house. Hoping to make the place better. And despite the fact that I hate going to these grocery, home product places on the weekend but that’s all I had. I had to do. Why? I dont know. The person better keeps the house clean.
Decided to run a Marathon. By June of next year. Gives me 8 odd months to prepare. More on this later in the day / week. I am using this book as my guide. Prof. Bakshi had recommended this book some time back in one of his posts.
Cancelled a reminder that I had put to alert #sgMS on a med that she ought to take every monday at 8. She is no longer with me and I ought to move on. Tough but I would. Inshallah. I would.
Missed deadlines. On two things that could impact how my book does. One was to one of the best social media marketing brains in the country. And other to a platform that could have helped me market my books to people I don’t know. Knowing both of them, I dont think I am getting another shot. Damn!
Got an author page on Goodreads. Its at goodreads.com/saurabhgarg. Takes me a step closer to having a wikipedia page some day :). Why do I want it? I dont know. What would I do with it? I dont know. After all it would be one of 5 million (and counting) pages on the wikipedia!

Thats it. I am sure there is more. But cant recall. These 7 were the definite highlights. And I loved writing this one. Thanks Jack! Lets see if I remember to do write one, the next week.

And what did you do for the first-time in the last week?

P.S.: Mandatory plug for my book. The Nidhi Kapoor Story. Website: www.tnks.in. Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheNidhiKapoorStory

Kangaali me aata geela

So when I was young, I loved using idioms. And one of my favorite ones was / is, “kangaali me aata geela.” Literally translated, it means when you in deep shit, more shit is piled on you. And as I type this, I am in deep deep shit. So deep that I don’t think I can wade out of it. Ever. Unless some divine intervention happens and the Hand of God (or an act of God) pulls me out of it.

Oh, apart from God, I am sure Mr. Murphy must be laughing at me as well. After all, despite all the positive vibes that I send to the universe, life has been unfair to me. I mean not unfair but it could’ve treated me better. It has made me a mediocre, arrogant, cocky ~~young~~ old man who refuses to change the way he operates. If life were to be any better, it could have either made me a beggar and left me to rot at the mercy of the world. Or it could have made me an exceptional brain and allowed me to make a dent in the world.

Neither happened and the world left me as a mediocre man. I lost the damn ovarian lottery.

And like I have said a million times, mediocrity sucks. And I am nothing but a case-study in mediocrity. Before I continue with the self-flagellation and self-doubt and pity and all that, let me come back to the kangaali me aata geela bit.

So when I had money, I saved like I was Uncle Scrooge. I did splurge, but most of what I spent was on things that I did not really need. And ever since money has tightened, I have tried to control my splurges but my expenses on things that are essential to work has spiraled. Take charging cables for phones and laptops for example. When I had money, I could buy as many cables and most times my employer would have foot the bill. But the cable never broke. I never misplaced the cables. Everything worked with perfection, like a dream.

And ever since I’ve been left to fend for myself (and money is in limited supply), everything seems to be breaking. Like my phone cable. And now my laptop charger. And since both of them are Apple products, the accessories are expensive. Sigh! This is just one example. There are more such incidents that tell me that kangaali main aata geela hota hi hai. I believed that accidents and fuck-ups happen with those who attract those. Have I become one of those? Plus I dont know what I want in life. And life is getting shorter by the day. And thus, I have lesser time to achieve things, as and when I know what I want to achieve in life.

I am now part of that feedback loop that is spiraling downwards. Fast. I am poor and hence I am getting poorer. I need some sort of tailwind to bring me back upto speed. Remember I spoke about a year and a crore the other day? That! That is what I need. And like I said, I need some divine intervention. Some act of God, some hand of God, something is needed.

To end this, I know that that act is just around the corner. Just that I don’t know when or where will it happen. May be there’s a way to expedite it? Prayers help? Try praying for me? No point actually. God and I have a chattees ka aankada. God has told me ‘fuck you’ in as many words.

Damn!

The tales of a grumpy old man

One of the things that keeps me up at night is that I am growing old. By the day, by the hour and by the minute. And with old age, I am getting grumpy, fat, unhealthy, lethargic, stubborn, headstrong and other things. And I dont like any of that. And I dont know what is the escape. I cant stop the aging process and I cant stop the side-effects. Its like being on a conveyor belt that is moving towards a destination that I cant control!

One year and a crore

These days I talk a lot about life. Probably because I am at that juncture where I need to figure out the next step. And its going to be a very important step because the next few years are going to be very important.

I have realized that I am not passionate about any one idea and thus I dont think I can start something. I have also realized that I love my freedom so much that I dont want to work for someone else. And I know that I need money. And I am at a stage when I have to have to settle down if I want to die a happy man. So many decisions and so many constraints!

All of it, all these things that I have talked about above look doable and yet are difficult. They look within grasp and yet they are out of reach. And last night I realized that I need a tailwind gain of a crore and a year. That’s all it would take to get my life back on track (read [1] below). One crore and one year.

And that’s what I really really need right now.

I can’t think of a way to make that much money in a year unless I rob a bank or start cooking meth or sell a kidney or commit a fraud or something. There is no legit way to make money. At least I dont think there is. If there is, please point me to it. Really.

Apart from this, I think all is well. I have discovered something that I think I like doing. And I can totally see myself doing it for the rest of my life (writing). Just that I dont know if I am good enough to make a commercial success out of it. I know the woman that I want to marry and settle down with. Just that she cant tolerate even standing next to me. I know the kinda life I want to lead. Just that its kinda long shot as of now. And so on and so forth.

Oh, and my current mood is sad. And I need sad music. The kinds where the hero walks alone through a happy crowd on a well-lit road at night and a saxophone is playing somewhere in the background (read [2] below).

That’s it!

Notes

[1] When I say back on track, I mean that I would be back on par with my cohorts, my classmates, an average guy my age etc.

[2] This kinda music.

H. Handle a Baby.

This is a part of the April A to Z Challenge. My theme is my Bucket List. Read more about the project here. The other things on my bucket list are Ancient Ruins, Book, Coffee Shop, Date a Supermodel, Entrepreneurship, (Be a) Finisher and Give Away my Wealth.

Next up on my bucket list is, H. Handle a Baby.

I am scared of babies. Yes, scared is the right word. I will goto all lengths to avoid touching a baby. Leave alone touch, I go long way to not even be in a room that has a baby in it. If I could have, Id get a restraining order against babies coming within a two KM radius of me. Anything to do with babies, I want out. I just cant handle the babies. For my life.

I know that at some point in time in life, I’d have to eventually learn how to handle babies. And I better do it sooner than later. I could argue that I could go without babies but I cant. More on it in a bit.

The Meme Baby

So the thing with babies is that they are really unpredictable. They are irrational. They are moody and reason often does not work with them. And I hate when I cant reason with someone, something. Babies.

Since I have a large family with like a thousand cousins and thus tens of thousands of babies, I have had a harrowing time with em. I’ve been patient and I’ve tried every trick in the book to try and be civil with them but they dont give me an opportunity. I am like that cat that has touched the hot stove once and I refuse to touch another. In fact I have touched the stove a thousand times and I’ve burnt my hand every single time. So that’s why no babies.

On a more serious note, the thing with babies is that they look so fragile. And I am such a giant. I am such a monster that I feel that if I even touch the babies, I’d hurt em. Its like if I touch em, Id put a dent in them. There I said it. The biggest issue I have with kids is that they are fragile. They are just beginning the journey and I am almost towards the end of it. And I cant hurt something that is just blossoming. I cant imagine doing it. Ever.

In fact, I am so sure about it that if you want to blackmail me, if you want to get a secret out of me, if you want me to squawk, all you need to do is throw a baby at me. And I’d submit.

Jokes apart, like I said, I really really need to master the art of handling babies. Because two of my favorite couples have babies due in less than a month. And I am better prepared before I go see their babies. Yes, I am talking about PD and Neo. And I promise, I’d learn. How to handle a baby.

The Next Few Days. And next couple of years.

The next few days are going to be big. Big in the sense that things that happen in the next few days would dictate how I spend the next two years. And thus, probably, how I would spend the rest of my life.

What? Why?

The book is almost done. The second draft is also almost ready. I have already had a round of discussions with a publisher. If all goes well, the book could be out in next three-four months. I am keeping my fingers crossed. And then after that I’d start working on the next one. I have a tentative plot in my head about the next one but I am not sure. However I am sure that I want to write atleast one every year. Audacious goal but what is life without a tinge of audacity?

The publishing (of the book), even though it would be a grand event, wont really change the things.

Change would be finding a naukri that would help me pay my bills. I have been jobless for almost 8 months now and I have spent everything that I had saved. And more. I need to find something that would help me pay bills. I am looking at working for atleast couple of years. Couple of reasons. A is to save some. B is to try and leave a mark.

Sadly I dont know what I want to do in life and I have no clue about the kind of work I want to do. I take pride in being a Jack of all trades and that means I am employable across a wide range of profiles. Not wide enough to cover a lot of ground but wide enough to allow me to choose from multiple options. And the options, as I see are…

A. Go back to Delhi and either settle for what I was doing previously or go work for a friend’s startup. Both options are open to me right now.

There is nothing wrong with my last job and there is nothing right with it either. Its a safe routine job that probably would give me some time off to work on my books. The book writing bit is going to be a long haul thing and I would have to spend a lot of time before I know if I am accepted by readers.

The startup would be a huge huge challenge. I know that that guy is very demanding and thus I would have to work really hard on it. It will translate into lessons that would probably last for a lifetime but then I probably would not have anytime for the book.

B. Find a naukri in Mumbai. Again, there is nothing wrong or right about this. Just that I would have to go through the grind of calling companies, friends, contacts, acquaintances and other such people and hope to find something for myself.

Again, depending on where I end up, I may get lucky to find something that is the right mix of money, exciting work, time for writing, meeting new people. travel and mental simulation. But if I dont get lucky, I dont even want to list things that could go bad.

C. Drift the way I have been drifting. Hoping for happy accidents to happen to me. Since I know that I am a destiny’s child, I can try and keep setting in motion random oscillations that some day translate into giant winds that may bring love, luck and happiness my way.

Thats about it.

On paper, it looks like a very simple three point equation. In real life however, the implications and ramifications are so many that I cant even fathom. Anyhow, I have never been the thinking kinds and I life without a plan. Whatever comes my way first I’d take it and move fast on it.

It has taken me ten years of sporadic writing and last few months of sustained effort towards The Nidhi Kapoor Story to realize that I love writing so much. I cant really waste anymore time in half-measures.

Thats all!