Category: Life

Lowest point of my life

Alert. Extremely personal. If you know me, read on. If you dont, please dont judge me by this. If you dont care, treat this as fodder to your voyeuristic instincts.

So ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be rich. And when I say rich, I want to be filthy rich. So much so that I want to conquer the Antilla and get more famous than Bill, Steve or Warren. I always belived that money for me is like a means (not n end) to achieve larger goals.

Mukesh Ambani’s Antilla

Little did that I know that in pursuit of money, I am becoming have become a slave to money. Its on my mind all the time and I cant think of anything but money. I keep track of every rupee I spend I try to cut corners and save as much as I can. Guess nothing wrong with it but today something happened that opened my eyes.

The incident, I will not go in the details, happened and I lost 2 lakhs. No fault of mine or anyone else. It just happened and the money just away. I mean I will get it back on Monday most probably but as of now I am down by 2 lakhs. No, I did not lose it in poker and neither did I misplace it. It just happened. And I go so furious about it that I almost broke my laptop and seethed in anger for a good part of the morning and evening. I yelled at my really good friend and I squarely blamed him for the fiasco (and I live with this guy FYI). I cant say he was not at fault but I was equally at fault. I was surprised at myself for the way I was reacting and talking to my friend. As I write this, its making me even more awful about the entire thing.

This has to be the lowest point of my life. I have never felt so bad and so small about things.

But lesson learnt and time to move on. The amount may not be small by any standards but its definitely not that big that it makes me lose my calm and boil my blood. Its one life and we have a very very short span here. Cant waste in getting angry over trivialities.

Like these guys said…

From now on, am no longer a slave to money and its allure.

Back!

The regular readers of my blog may have noticed this interesting item that I posted a few days back. In there, I said that I was going incognito for a few days and I would not be connected with the world. I had planned to stay like that for a month at least and I had charted out all the things that I would do in that time.

From a planned 30 day hiatus, I am back in mere 3. Ofcourse I havent done any of the things that I had planned but I would continue working on those while I go on and off from the map of the world.

More updates (on hiatus and other things) to come soon. Stay tuned.

Gone Fishing!

If you are reading this, I am on the month long hiatus that I have been planning for almost two years. I should be back sometime towards the end of October.

I know you would miss the awesome little blog that I maintain here. Yes I am talking to both of you – my regular readers. In my absence, you may want to read TIH everyday. It’s one of those things that I would donate all my wealth to, if I end up with some wealth in life.

I want to stay away from everyone I know. No, my phone is not working and I will not have access to email/twitter/facebook/linkedin/quora etc. Whats the point of a holiday if you are constantly checking your email, tweeting what you ate for dinner, putting pictures of that club on your facebook, checking for available jobs on linkedin or trolling on things on quora? 

However if the world decides to self destruct before the impending December deadline, you know how to reach me and warn me about it. Apart from that, I dont think you would need to speak to me. If you want to, just email me. I promise that once I am back, I would make it up. 

Thats about it.

Wish me luck!

Update on the Eco Mode

via This Isnt Happiness 

You may remember a recent post about I going into the Eco Mode for the next few days.

I thought about it on the 14th of August and buxfer tells me that since then, I have actually spent more money than I spend otherwise. In terms of numbers, of everything I spent in August, I spent almost 80% in just the last week! (Or read this as… I spent 4 times more money in last week than in all the other three weeks combined)
How #fail is that!
And now what has happened has happened. All I can do is try and control my expense in the remainder of the month and then maybe, spend wisely in the next month as well. 

Introducing #rstlf

Yesterday, while aimlessly driving around town with Prateek, I realized that I need to do something about the  way I am killing time these days. Most days are drab and the net output of those days is not even zero. Better were the days when I was idle and yet reading and dreaming. Now, I dont even dream!

And since its been happening for quite some time. Need to take charge and do something about. #rstlf is one such way. Simple idea. Over the next 90 days, I would change things that have been bothering me and hopefully come out as a better person after these 90 days.

To start with, here is a list of things that I need to fix. Along with each, I’ve put tangible goals that I would achieve in the next 90 days. I would brainstorm and detail each over the next few days, and hopefully get a better understanding. But for the time being, here is the todo list and goals for the next 90 days.

  1. Life. Realize/discover/understand what would my epitaph say. And then start working towards that.
  2. sgMS. classified!
  3. Fitness. Reduce my waist size to 30″. I am 36 point something as we speak.
  4. Business. Own a business. The one that I own is stagnant. May be move it, if nothing else. Maybe think more about what Regis did way back in 70s and 80s and maybe create something similar? 
  5. Writing. Finish one of the things that I have been writing. Could be Serai or GhantaGhar. Could even by the Mumbai Diaries that I have been thinking on. 
  6. Poker. Keep track of games I play and start winning more often than losing. 
Will close these by end of this week and will stick to em for the next 90 days. Ofcourse I would have irregular timing and I may have to travel for work. Or that long impending move to Mumbai may happen. The world may come to an end, few months sooner than the December deadline… whatever may happen, I would ensure that I stick to #rstlf. I would even use a few friends to help me stay on course. So, if you are reading this and you want to help, you know where to send that email! 
I have often wished to reset life. Here is an opportunity to do so.

Thats it. Today being the 90th day, I had a very good start. Got up at 5ish, went for a brief walk. So far havent had any trace of oil or sugar. Been eating small potions after small intervals. Plan to skip dinner altogether. And then repeat this tomorrow.

Oh, why is it day 90? Because while talking with Prateek, I realized that I start these things often but never seem to reach a conclusion. He offered a brilliant advice. Start the thing at 90 and go backwards!

The Outlier!

Recently I was applying for a visa to a difficult country. Difficult because they take great pride in screening who visits their motherland. The screening is downright humiliating at times but then its ok, it’s a little price you have to pay to be an Indian.

So, these guys wanted copies of my income tax returns for last three years. Now I dont really bother about these official documents. I just give all my papers to my accountant and he files the requisite papers. I dont even check with him. I trust him blindly. Today was thus the first time in almost 18 months when I pulled these documents out. And I was shocked to realize that my total income in the last year was exactly half of my total income in my first year post MBA!

I passed out from MDI in 2006. I got placed on day 0 and was picked by GE Money. GE dint pay a lot of money but it was a lot for someone who had no clue how the world works and definitely had no clue what value could he add to a company that took pride in its 100 year old legacy. Obviously I wasnt complaining and I was happy with my 7 6 figure salary. Imagine being catapulted from a zero to seven six figures. And all you had to do for that was play Counter Strike and faff!

So, in almost 6 years since my MBA, while all my friends and peers have moved on to bigger, larger things post their campus jobs, I have moved sideways and actually went down. And went down how. I am on my third job right now and at both places (post GE), I took substantial paycuts. And as a result, I am struggling at low seven six figures (compare it to a few friends who are now at 9 8 figures). And in a world where you are measured by the amount of money you make, the car you drive and by the phone you keep, when I look in the mirror, I see an outlier, on the extreme left of the bell curve! Life is being what it is best at, being a bitch!

But then I dont think I cant blame anyone else for this. While moving on from GE and CLA, I decided that I dint want to work at boring companies and do shitty work. I mean am not too sure if what I do right now is interesting, but well, thats a debate for a different day!

EDIT… And just to prove that I am still a nincompoop, I calculated my measly 6 figure salary as 7 figures. I just cant get maths! Apologies for all the heart breaks 🙁

Bittersweet Symphony

In my Chennai office, amongst regular folks there are a couple of North East Indian boys. Nothing wrong with them and nothing against them but the sight of them lifting heavy cables, lights and other equipment under the harsh sun was really saddening. It made me want to cry.

I totally agree to the notion of dignity of work and I dont think any work is below human standard but here are two boys, who would have spent most of their childhood and youth in mountains, next to gentle streams of water, amongst beautiful flowers, in the green misty valleys, running after one another on those twisting and turning mountain paths, climbing up and jumping down in probably the best weather that God has showered upon us humans.

Call it twist of fate, most probably they left home for some Rupees and somehow landed in Chennai. Where the life is totally opposite to what they are used to back home!

If God had planned life and things little better, he would have made each community self sustainable. May be he did and us humans spoiled it all trying to chase material comforts and such things. Whatever it is, if I could play God, I would either not give anyone any emotions or I would ensure that everyone from the same kith and kin stayed together. To end it, a famous line from The Verve.

Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life.
Trying to make ends meet
You’re a slave to money then you die

The Wonder Years

So I met this TV anchor from the yesteryears that I used to have a huge crush on, while I was growing up in the 90s. At that time I could have happily given one arm and probably a leg as well to just see her once in real life. She had the most awesome smile ever and although the show she hosted was about English music, I did not understand a single thing she said but I still tuned into the channel religiously to see her come up and smile. It was one of those useless wonder year things that I dint even remember, till I realized that I would be meeting her.

So I went ahead with a twinkle in my eyes, my almost bald head neatly combed (took me all of 30 seconds), my beard neatly trimmed and in my favorite green shirt. And there she was, the lady of my wonder year dreams. And that is when I got the jolt and the dream got shattered into million little pieces of glass and ivory.

Now, when I am almost a man, she is on the wrong side of the thirties. And unlike some women who develop a charming grace when they grow old, this one hadnt. This one just looked like an older and “fuller” version of herself from the TV show. And that meant that the awesome smile was intact, apart from lines and blemishes on the skin that she has been trying to hide using all those beauty products that Sonam Kapoor and the likes peddle on TV.

It was like seeing the rude side of the concept called life. I realized that time is the mother of all sorrows that a human being can face. Take this woman for example. Despite all the money and fame, she cant do shit about how she looks despite she being the apple of the eye of the entire nation in her yesteryear. And then once I reazlied that shes been using beauty products to stay “young”, I felt sorry for her. She has to resort to things like her beauty to actually make a living now. Thankfully I would have a sane head and hopefully I would not have to resort to things like that when I am old. And come to think of it, I would never be old! I can be watever age and in whatever physical condition, I would still be in demand!

Goals for Feb 2012

When I started this year, I told myself that I would make this the most special year of my life. The way I have spent January, I dont think its going to happen. And since I am desperate about it, I have to do something about it. Of all the ways that I thought could help me, I thought if I’d break things down into smaller units, it would be easy to work on and easier to track. So these smaller units would be…

  1. One 1000 word essay/post/article every alternate day. 3 in a week. So far I have been able to write regularly this year. Just need to continue the momentum.
  2. Traction of the projects that are occupying your head. ODID, MWL, OffbeatMag, SG.com etc. By end of feb, either get a direction/clarity on these or you shut these down. At least you’d know what you need to chase. 
  3. Sort other shit thats cluttering your head. This includes work, stuff at home, fitness, #sgMS etc. Unless the heads clutter free, dont think I’d be able to do much.
  4. Since the days ahead look packed in terms of travel, need to understand a few ways that could help you catch up on information (as there would be lot less reading). One of the ways could be follow relevant twitter users and rely on the maxim that information that you must know, will find its way to you. Another way could be to stop chasing gossip on twitter and stop indulging in idle chit chatter. Need to fix this.

Ya, this is it. Aint not much in terms of tangibles but if I could get these sorted, they would help me go a long way. 

Untitled – 28 Jan 2012

As I write this, I am sitting at the Chennai airport. I have had a whirlwind day. Woke up at 4 to catch a flight, fought with an aunty who liked throwing her feminine side to people at 5, caught a flight at 6:30, landed in Chennai and navigated my way through the alien language, wrote a presentation about a project I had no clue about, delivered that presentation and rushed back to the airport to catch a plane to Mumbai. In the entire day, I hardly had time to breathe. I mean I did tweet about mundance things, installed foursquare on my phone, go out for that leisurely lunch at Sarvana Bhawan and bought a Grappo Fizz and an ice cream from Spencer’s and created time to write this blogpost. But I had no time to think of things that otherwise bother me. sgMS to start with. Despite all the time that has elapsed since she and I spoke I still cant get her out of my head. Then there are things related to work. I am losing hair at the speed of light and am still poor. On the other hand, every Tom, Dick and Harry seems to be minting money as if they are the modern day incarnation of Scrooge McDuck! Then there is some shit brewing up at home. I dont even want to talk about it.

Anyways, the point of this post is that I have reazlied that I am the thinking kinds (MBTI – thinking) and more time I have on my hands, more I think. And more unhappy I become. May be the immediate solution to all my vows is actually finding something that can keep my head occupied for good. Something that makes me trapped in the rut so deep that I spend all my time wading through the shit. Something like what a bank teller does. Sits on a seat and attends to queries all day long. Now, if I had a degree that made me fit to be a teller!

P.S.: I wrote this in Chennai. Now as I hit the publish button, I am in Mumbai, waiting for Neo to come pick me up.

Home Alone 2012

Despite my age, I still live with my parents. Most Indian men in middle class families do so. Anyways, the point is that my parents have been away for a week. And I was all alone for those days. First time in I think three years when I was alone for this long. And I learnt a lot of things. I mean I have lived along in the past when I was in Mumbai, and that too for more than 2 years but somehow I dint realize things back then.

So here are few things that I have learnt/observed in the last few days when I have been home alone.

  1. When you are alone, you dont sulk. I was fucked up in my head read bad on Monday night. Normally, when I am fucked up, I go home and sulk. And sulk so bad that I dont even have my dinner, dont speak to my parents, shut myself in my room and just not do anything. But then when you dont have your parents, you dont know what to do when you want to sulk. Like, on Monday, I reached home, I was alone. I put on the TV, played some poker and slept. I woke up the next day as fresh as a baby. I mean I did ignore work that I was supposed to do but I dint sulk.
  2. Time expands to take up all available work. I could do everything that I was supposed to do/fix/buy etc. For a change I dint want opinion of my mom or dad to buy the soap or what to order for dinner. With lesser opinions, things get done faster. You get lot of free time. You actually create time. I used that time to live like a free bird. I could wake up at any time I wanted. I could sit anywhere in the entire house.
  3. Breakfast gets screwed. Ever since I came home from Mumbai, I have always had a good and heavy breakfast. And since my mom is the world best cook, the breakfast was super awesome. Compare it to a time when I was living alone. That time, I would grab a sandwich or a fruit on the way to work and thats about it. It also meant that I would have a heavy lunch and that translated into the 36″ belly! To be honest, I dont like to be erratic with something as important as food but I dint have an option. Once I start staying alone again, I would put a schedule in place. I really like the diet that they taught us during Vipassana. Two simple meals and an empty stomach while sleeping.
  4. Simple tasks lose their meaning. Like every day when I get up, I am used to folding my rajai neatly into 5 folds and then putting it in an almirah where we store all other quilts, from all other rooms. Now with me living alone, I know that I would come back at night, goto the almirah, unfold the rajai, bring it to my bed and sleep with it. So today, while I was getting up, it occurred to me, that if I left it on the bed, it would be ok and actually save me trouble of folding it, storing it, retrieving it, opening it etc. Of course it’s not about a mere rajai, but about larger things. This is how anarchy in initiated. Seemingly harmless things, balloon into stuff that is easily labeled anti establishment and we start talking of blasphemous ideas like revolutions!
  5. You hardly speak ten words (apart from conversations with your work colleagues). I have always had an innate need to speak up and express myself (a large reason why I maintain this blog). But when your folks are not home, you cant really speak to anyone (assuming you are married and sgMS is not around). Does that translate into more thoughts and more productive things? I am not too sure but its an area that is worth exploring.
  6. You party lot more. Since there is nothing that you do apart from office, that is anyways boring, you attend lot more parties. I partied on three consecutive nights. Each day I reached home well after midnight. And for the record, the number of times I went out is more than the combined number of times I have been inside a club. Ya, I am boring like that. I’d rather be on the open sky, on a highway, heading towards dunno where.

And I think this is it. Ofcourse I was alone for just a few days. I am not too sure if I was to live alone for longer, what how would it be. But all in all it was an interesting break. Both for my parents and for me.