Category: Life

Conversations at 11:30 PM

SG23Nov: Is money the solution to happiness?
SG22Sep: It may be. I dont have it, never had it. So dont know. And i think it might not be the only thing but it does take you close to happiness.
SG23Nov: How do you define happiness?
SG22Sep: Toughie. Happiness is when you look forward to things. You are excited. You are flying. When you are high. Without the dope!
SG23Nov: You know you are more fucked that I am
SG22Sep: I always did!
SG23Nov: A more apt reply wudve been ‘how do you define fucked’
SG22Sep: Nah, i have stopped questioning things. I have now started trusting my judgement and answers
SG23Nov: Well to be honest I’m not too sure whether that’s a good move or a bad move … Only time will time I guess … Anyways .. Goodnight bitch
SG22Sep: Who cares. Its one fucking life. If i dont trip here AND now, i am just twaddling n inching closer t oblivion. Lemme have my shot at greatness. Chal you tc too

Confused? Clear?

I want more hair on my head but I do not want any facial hair
I want to live at my home and yet I want to be alone
I want roads to be empty and still be able to make people jealous
I want to get settled and yet I don’t want to commit
I want more money than I can ever spend and yet more time to do things
I want followers and yet I want to be left alone
I want to live on a mountain and yet not far from the beach
I want to have more wants and cant really think of more
I am confused and yet I am so clear

Autobiography of Criba Shankar Pandey

Bade din sey crib nahin kiya. I feel odd. I can this negative energy affecting me. I need to blurt out. I want to write. I want to pour my heart out. On a public forum. I know every post I make goes on FB (atleast). I know most people dont give a fuck but there are a few who do take interest in what I have to say. And they are a large part of why I write. That one off comment, that random person writing in, it makes my day.

I know Miranda Warning (I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say, can or will be held against me in the court of law) holds truer for the Internet more than the real world. I know whatever I write today can be twisted enough in the future by some lawyer to seek higher alimony, or to make me plead guilty of a crime that I wouldn’t commit. And I know I would be innocent. After all, as Red says, “everyone in shawshank is innocent”.

Anyways coming to Criba Shankar Pandey ki dairy, today he is going to talk about things that ail him. Lekin before that, ye Criba Shankar Pandey hai kaun? Arey its my alter ego (the way Raju has Gajodhar and Karthik has Karthik). In short, its someone who I blame for all the fuck-ups in life. And it has served me well so far. And come to think of it, now that everyone including my maid, beggars and politicians have twitter accounts, how about a twitter account for Criba Shankar Pandey? @sgcsp 😀

So what ails Mr. Pandey? Few things that he is really touchy about. He wants to believe that he is a good writer. And his first paid writing gig is a complete mess. Someone paid him good money to write content for a website. Our Mr. Pandey put in real effort. Effort as in e to the f to the f to the o to the r to the t. And now, the client says it was a “very mediocre” job. Nothing pisses a man off more than a frivolous comment on the only talent he has got. Sigh the bloody difficult demanding unsupportive rude world.

Then he cant seem to make any headway with his love life. The last girl that he liked hates him for the bottom of her heart. But our Pandeyji remain hopeful. Hope, is a funny thing. Andy says “Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies“. And Red says “Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane“. Our Mr. Pandey, being a simpleton he is, cant decide which one to choose. And like all other fictional heroes, he doesn’t have the luxury of the coin that has heads on both faces. Where to they make those coins anyways?

Next on is lack of greenbucks in his life. Once upon a time some random guy told him that he would never be rich. And he laughed on that random guy’s face and asked him to wait and watch. And its been about 11 years since this face-off. And the random guy seems to be winning. And in all likelihood the random guy would go to his grave, grinning. Where is the money dude? How to people become millionaires and billionaires? And that too at such tender ages? Wait. Tender is politically incorrect. I meant young.

BTW as I am writing this for Mr. CSP, the world is celebrating the International Women’s day. And the other half is busy watching the Oscars. I dont know which is more useless. I mean we have to award all the effort that goes behind making movies and we have to appease to all the feminists. What I dont understand is that how do all the women in the world settle with just one day? Take them to dilli haat and they cant decide what to buy and here they are, their entire existence summed up in one day. And they are actually happy with it.

Next on agenda is his idiotic habit of trying to do too many things at the same time. He clearly believes in sailing in multple boats. Its like playing twister, with each colored dot in a different boat. And since all the boats are independent and have different rowing mechanisms, he invariably falls. And the worse bit is that he refuses to learn from his mistakes. Reminds me of Sisyphus. Damn .. the damned rock is rolling down the hill again. Lemme go fetch it. I will be back guys.

And before I end it randomly, here a couple of links (from the same guy) – two of my favorite themes – Simpsons and Super Mario (bonus – flute + beatboxing and piano. More posted here).

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

If Karan Johar can make Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Javed Akhtar can write Kyonki Fighter Hameha Jeet-ta Hai, main kyon nahin kuch likh sakta?

Hasratein hain. Khwahishein hain. Sapne hain.
Talash hai manzil ki.
Nikal pada hoon ghar sey. Bhataknay ko.
Sapnon kay pass. Apnon sey door.

Kuch hai to sirf ye door tak jaati lambi sadak.
Chal raha hoon.
Kabhi savariyon par. Kabhi apne kadamo par.
Kabhi kama kar. Kbhi udhaar par.

Raste main chand meel kay pathar mile.
Kuch acche lage. Kuch par main ruka.
Kuch pay log ruke they. kuch par logon nay roka.
Kuch nay kuch kisse sunaye. Maine kuch kahaniya.
Kuch der baatein hui. Kuch der chala silsil.

Kuch der baad fir kuch sapna aaya.
Fir chal diya.

Kuch der kuch log saath chale. Kuch der akela chala.
Kuch kahaniya yaad rahi. Kuch kisse bhool gaya.

Akela nikla tha. Kuch der kuch saathi mile.
Kuch kuch der saath chale. Kuch beech main kahin aur chal pade.

Bas rah gayi ye sadak.
Ye raaste.
Woh anjaai manzil.
Aur khoob saare sapne.

Kuch feedback?

The Secret Sauce

Its been quite some time that I have been thinking of what makes people tick. I mean what makes an Aamir Khan make movies and go all out to make them hit? What makes a Manmohan Singh wake up in the morning and go about governing the country? What makes a Sachin Tendulkar go out and hit centuries after centuries? What makes an A. R. Rahman create those soulful melodies? What is it that makes a soldier to toil in extreme conditions and protect our country? What makes a bus driver drive that same DTC bus? What makes a liftman shuttle between floors in a high rise? The liftman, cant even see the sun, the moon or any of those million wonderful things that the world has to offer. What is that makes all my friends and family go about their mundane lives? What the fuck … what is making me write this? When I know that no one cares what random gibberish I am generating (except Google Ads perhaps) and when I know that I this would serve no purpose. What makes human beings do things they do?

What is the secret sauce? What is their mojo?

The conspiracy theorist in me speculates that it is the want of money, fame, power, sex, acceptance, affirmation or more than one of these, that makes humans do what they do. Like I told a friend yesterday, all this (the life) is a game, we are mere players (“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players” anyone?). We are chasing things that we think will give us happiness. For some people, its about winning the game. For some its the chase (I belong to the chase category). For some its the mere understanding that they are in the game. And then some, dont even realize that they are in it (till they reach their level of happiness/dissatisfaction).

Apart from this, I havent been able to find an answer. I have been able to spot some patterns though. For starters, the ones who seem to be exited about what they do are redefining things that they do. Warren Buffett. Bill Gates. Steve Jobs. Sachin. Michael Phelps. Name them and you would know that they are the ones that are redefining things that they are doing. They define new paradigms. They change things. They push the human race forward. And more importantly, they know that they are doing it.

And then, correlated it may seem, the thing that they do becomes synonymous with them. Sachin. Batting. Batting. Sachin. Investing. Warren Buffett. Warren Buffett. Investing. So on and so forth.

They dont seem to do it for money. Money comes as a byproduct. They seemed to have spent years honing the art/craft/science. They do what ticks them. They do what they enjoy doing. And by sheer hardwork, they have been able to get so good at it that money has started following them.

And, IMHO, the challenge is not getting good at it. But challenge is to identify it. To understand your “it”. Once you know “what”, its a matter of “when”. I havent been able to identify it as yet. I do have some clues. Do they excite me? Yes, right now, they do. Can I redefine them? I am not sure. Can they define me? I dont know. I am putting together the ingredients for my secret sauce. Mind it, my secret sauce is personal, tastes very different from anyone elses (even different from WEB’s, SRT’s etc.), satisfies just me and no one else. And most importantly, I relish it. And the best part? Even if I shared the recipe, no one would be able to steal my secret sauce. The taste remains with me.

And that brings me to these three questions. What is your secret sauce? What defines you? What are you redefining?

Its over.

Its over. Finally. Look forward to the next.

And as a result of all that travel in last few days, few trivialities/random facts/obscure truths/pieces of fiction/stories worth talking about are …

  • Hrithik Rosan with a H is now the Provouge ambassador. What happened to FardeenSonofFeroz Khan? Suddenly Provouge is not as oppressive a brand it used to be with Mr. Minor Khan.
  • No more long queues at the Gurgaon Toll Road. Average Waiting Time is less than 2 mins.
  • People who are big, who want to be big and who are almost big like names. They throw names at the drop of the hat. Its amazing how to they know every other famous man. More surprising is how everyone seems to be a close friend.
  • Yet again I was thinking who has been most influential on my impressionable mind. Apart from Raj, its AnathEma. Ya you.
  • I finally submitted my application to
  • I have made 4 trips to Shipra Mall in last 5 days. Thats more than all my other trips combined. Blame it on the real people and the nose ring I spoke about in the last post. And, good thing, I found a short cut. Its 5 KMs lesser than the usual route. Nice. Save fuel.
  • Copenhagen is proving to be a hogwash. I made this video for a contest by Oxfam. Thanks to J for his idea and his handwriting.
  • Airtel’s customer service sucks. And it does badly. They are incompetent. They cant understand simple things. If I had an alternative, I would never pay them anything.
  • My fav youtube video is this. This was shot in Vashi with a Nokia e51. Me, Gawri and Jeetu/Gandhi were returning after an all night pool party and hunting for food. I miss Mumbai and Vashi. I hate to admit this but I do. And I miss people more than the place. I miss the independence and freedom. Wonder what makes people in jails tick. What would be going through Dufresne’s mind for all those 20 years in Shawshank? And come to think of it, I dont mind being at Zihuatanejo.
  • Its Monu’s birthday on 18th. Gandhi’s on 20th. None of the two will ever read the blog.
  • I opened my bookcase after ages and I realized that there are more unread books in it than the read ones. And I dont know the books that were stacked behind the books that were stacked in front of the books that were stacked behind the ones that are stacked in front of … English can be funny if you abuse it ;P
  • Last few days, every morning, I listen to Hey Bhagwan by Raghu Dixit. And then I listen to my playist. The top five tracks sored by playcount on my iTunes are Sweet Home Alabama, Kadi To Has Bole Ve, Bittersweet Symphony, When You Say Nothing At All, No Man Will Ever Love You.
  • I saw The Recruit. Nice movie. Al Pachino is awesome.
  • And I realized I am making my life public, one blog post at a time. And to do things differently, I have thought of a way. If you are meant to be reading what I have thought, you would be invited. If you are not, you will not see any change. Change is a funny thing. Its moving all the time and yet there are some people who refuse to acknowledge it.
  • And in the end, family run businesses are nice for families that run them. Apart from that, they suck big time.

Aaj kay samachar yahin samapt hue.

Detox!

Move to Delhi has been a roller coaster ride. There have been ups and downs (actually more ups than downs). Anyways, so all this while I have tried to juggle so many things at the same time. And as a result, I was perpetually short of time. So much so that I dint have time to eat. I was eating my meals in the car, en route to meetings/classes etc. I was always cribbing. I was unhappy. I was dissatisfied. I was hungry. And funny thing was that, unhappier I got, more unhappy I wanted to be.

Come to think of it, last three years have been funny. Every single day (except for those ten days of Viapssana), I have lived a life where hyper-connectivity is as important as breathing. My daily routine would include reading those 700 or so sources on my Google Reader, reading 4 newspapers cover to cover (excluding Delhi Times, Brunch, Lounge etc. and including classifieds), tracking my 500 or so “friends” and their lives on FB and twitter.

But for a change, last few days, somehow, I have lived in the real world. I spent time with REAL people. The ones I could touch. The ones I could have the company of. The ones I could debate, argue and share gyaan with.

I watched few movies on television (Seven, Leon, Wanted, Shawshank Redemption). I attended a concert (The Raghu Dixit Project – loved them. They are now my new favorite band. After Faridkot). I gave gyaan to a kid (Hope it helps him. He is as lost as I am. Just that he is 21). I spoke about myself to friends without the fear of being judged (no comments on this one). I met a stranger and fell in love with her nose ring (Havent heard from her after that meeting :|). I slept peacefully (for hours). I re-read bits of English August (and loved it as much I loved it when I read it the first time). I read Then We Came To The End. I started playing pool again (though I suck at it). And I drove my car (at least 2000 KMs in last 5 months) . And I dint ride my bike all this while (poor thing).

In short, I did not do things that I typically do. I did not chase things that I normally chase. I was not bothered about what others were doing in life (and how rich they were getting while I was/am stuck figuring out what to do). I was not living the borrowed life.

And for some reason I have that peace of mind that I have always craved for. Wonder how. May be I am happy when I am doing things at my own pace? May be I am happy when I am not thinking? May be I am happy when I am occupied?

I know I dont have the money. I know am not rich. I know I am not getting anywhere with this. I know this wont last forever but I am truly living in the moment. I am enjoying this bit. Does this mean that I stop chasing success/money/fame/happiness? Does this mean all these 27 years that I spent, chasing interestingness were a waste? I dont know. And I am ok with this ambiguity. Lets go with the flow. And when you know that the time it right, turn it. I like playing the armchair activist.

And in between, I realized that people make me happy. I have this pressing need to have people around me. And not just anyone but they should be special. I should be proud of the fact that they are my friends. The ones who allow me to be what I want to be. I ones who dont ask me questions. The ones who don’t expect any answers. The ones who back me up when I need them. The ones who trust me. The ones who are good at heart. The one who allow me to drive their cars (I want to believe that I am an awesome driver btw).

Someone said, ignorants are the most blessed. Last few days I have largely been ignorant. Ignorant of life, so called news (Google and the new search features – I mean why the fuck was I even tracking that in the first place?), happenings (again, why do I want to make an event a corner-piece of my life?), socialite gossip (that girl on twitter is a known attention hog – I mean fine, its her life, let her hog onto anything she wants to. How does it affect me? Why do I want to know about it? What would I do if I know about it?) and other updates. I did not bother myself with any of that.

I wonder why and when did I start chasing these things? And as a result I made myself unhappy. I am sure these things made me feel “connected”. I felt I knew the pulse of the world (by reading some 1000 news/views/articles/blogs everyday, by following some 500 strangers on twitter and by tracking status updates of people on FB etc). It was like reading 500 novels at the same time. I could draw family/friends trees for all these 500 people. All of them as temporary as that blip on the radar. I think keeping track of strangers on social network reflects few basic human needs. Of eavesdropping. Of belonging. And its like reading fiction. 500 books at a time. Or watching a large movie (The Truman Show or Life: a Users Manual anyone?) where each character comes with a story and is somehow related. Is this the essence of all this social media hoopla? But what about all those great men and women who apparently are creating a fortune for themselves and their clients in the process? Where people, human beings are treated as mere numbers?

And the worst bit is that to be able to track these seemingly important things, I was ignoring myself. And why? Because I “had” to keep a tab. How could I? That was so mean and selfish. I should have divorced myself years ago ;P

Anyways, next few days, before I enter 2010, I am going to decide on few things that I will do in next few years. I have some clarity on what moves me, what excites me and what would keep me happy. The easy part would be to put it on paper. The tough part, would be to actually live it.