Category: Love Letter

Dear sgMS

Dear sgMS,

I dint mean to write to you this soon. I am supposed to show little restraint, little caution, little more control over what I do and how much I miss you. You know I am supposed to move on and all that. And anyway, I just wrote a letter to you last week!

The thing is, I am at a place that has something that reminds me of you. Actually not just one thing. But a lot of things. Its like the universe is conspiring against me or something. To get me close to you.  Lemme talk about those things.

Starting with the fragrance that the hotel uses. This hotel has Lotus Flower as their signature smell. Now I dont know much about fragrances and perfumes and all that but I know that the perfume is uncannily similar to the one that you use all the time. So much that everytime I use one of those free things that come in the room, I go rushing back in your arms. Living with you. Breathing in that smell off you. Holding your hand, traveling with you to a new place. Remember that ten-page long letter that I wrote you before we went on that trip?

Then there is this entire thing about me being at a very chilled out place and not having you for company. Every time I do some mischief, pull a prank on people I am with, I am left searching for you and hoping that you would be around to see me smirk like a mad man. I would crave for that dismissive nod of yours that says so much without saying anything at all. Something that only you can do. Something that I think is one of your superpowers. Something that I miss sorely. 

Then ofcourse there are millions of tiny nicknacks that I think you would’ve loved to buy. Of course, to this date I cant guess what your taste is like but I have a vague idea of things that would pass your scrutiny. You remember how towards the end of that trip, I actually got good at guessing the trinket that you liked? I wanted to point at things that I think you would like. But I couldnt. You werent around you know.

And last, the fact that the room has pristine clean bedding, just the kind that you prefer. It is so  perfect that you probably wouldnt have stepped out of the hotel! Neither do I want to for that matter. And when I miss you, and when I dig my face into those soft pillows, every time I curl up in the bed craving for your company, that whiff of that Lotus Flower takes me back. To you. It reminds me of you. Of your company. Of your greatness.

God, I miss you. I really do.

Please come back.

Love always,
SG

Dear sgMS

From the movie Notting Hill. One of the greatest love stories ever told!

Dear sgMS,

Trust you are well.

So, I dont know where to start this rant. I have nothing new to report. Its the same old life, same old rut, same old circle or life. And the same old longing for you. It’s been so long that I’ve spoken to you that it feels like a life time.

It is You often said that us humans are funny people and time is the greatest healer. And with time we forget, forgive everything. We move on. Time heals everything. For some funny reason, I haven’t been able to. I miss you. I miss you like I could miss anything else. Damn I am short of words. I dont know what to say to make you come running in my arms. But I miss you like mad.

Second thing you said was that moment I find someone else, I will forget you. I tried to find that someone else. And I failed at it. Over the last few days, I have met
few women and some of them have been absolute pleasure to hang out with.
But every time I crossed that blurry line between being strangers and being acquaintances, I felt as if I were cheating on you. I couldnt carry on the conversation. I would exit. Feeling guilty about even making an attempt to meet others.

And then I would be miserable for the next few days. Till I gather myself and my thoughts and chase someone else. And after I meet someone, I would be guilty all over again. And the vicious cycle would continue. I dont see a way out. I know I cant be with you and I know I cant stay away from. I sincerely dont know what to do.

You know, I thought I’d never say this. But I need you. I am desperate for your company. I long for you. I can do anything to be around you. I dont want you to kiss me, I dont want you to hug me. I dont even want to shake hands or whatever. Just be around you. Allow me to be around. Please. I beg of you. I promise I would not make it awkward. I would not make it uncomfortable. Please…

I really need you to hold me and tell me that all will be ok. Remember how we sat next to that broken wall along a river? And then on that bench next to that other river? I miss those times. I miss sitting next to you.

I miss you.

Please come back.

Love always,
SG

Dear sgMS

Dear sgMS,

Hope you are doing great. Wherever you are.

Hope you are happy and healthy. Hope you are in love and you’re getting your fix of attention and affection. Hope you’re doing great work that makes you happy and your friends proud. Hope all the emo baggage that SG piles up on you is no longer yours to carry.

You konw, to be honest, I dint mean to write in to you. I remember my promise of staying away. And I have stayed away for a large part. Even when I have needed you, even when I could do with your company, even when I knew that no one else but you can give me comfort. I’ve stayed away.

You know, I dont really have a reason to write to you. Just that I miss you
terribly. I miss you so so much that I dont know what to do. It’s
stifling. It’s suffocating. I can’t breathe. I mean I can but it seems like a task. And there
is no reason to make the effort. Who do I do all the things for? You are my reason babes. I want to make your proud. I want to make you happy. Without you, what would I do with things when I dont have you to shower those on?

I tried to not write this letter. I drugged myself and tried to sleep but I could not. I tried to drown myself in work but I could not deliver. I tried to divert attention on television, poker, readign but I just couldn’t concentrate. I am human sgMS and this time it got better of me. I had to speak to you.

I sent you frantic messages, emails, calls and tried everything to reach you. And I realized that you have blocked me out. I know you dont have any hard feelings per se and you’re doing this so that I drift away with time and I get used to living without you.

Of course your methods are flawed and this separation from you is making me crave for your company all the more. So much so that I am staring at the pics from good old times when we were together.

I really really want you around. I know repeating a word does not make it stronger or better. But there is no other way I know to express myself. I really want you around me. And I want to be around you. I just can’t do without you. I know I am being selfish. And I know you hate selfish people. But I dont know what else to say. I dont want to lie to you. I want you and I want you bad.

Judge me if you will.

But, but… please please come back! I promise I try really hard to not disappoint you.

Please?

Love always,
SG

Dear lady in the white car

Dear lady in the white Wagon R behind my car on the Gurgoan Toll plaza,

First of all thank you! Today you made the otherwise boring and monotonous trip to office fun. You had been trailing my car, knowingly, since the Radisson flyover. Every time I went fast, you would speed up, every time I would slow down, you’d slow down as well, every time I cut a lane, you were prompt to follow. And yet at no point you looked threatening. In fact the sly smile on your face, when I looked back from the rear view mirror, was charming to say the least. If you weren’t wearing shades, nice ones by the way, I would have tried to read the intent in your eyes. But anyways, thank you.

Second, I was wondering if you do this to every random guy? Because from what I know, I have nothing remarkable about me. Not even my car. It’s a plain Jane Santro with a stupid “True Earth” color (somewhere between a brown and a dirty white). I am bald, dark and everything that a woman’s nightmare is made out of. And yet you chose to follow me. I cant for my life think of a reason why you’d do that. May be you shower such excitement on the least harmful guy every morning? But what ever the reason, you did it and I enjoyed it. At least I just cribbed once about the toll plaza today.

Third, you drive well. Really well. I consider myself a good driver, a lot of friends would vouch for this and its not easy to keep up with me. Not that I am fast or anything but I have this knack with driving. I know when the driver ahead of me would break, when that opening becomes available from where I could zip my car through, when to hit the break, when to slow and so on and so forth. Doing this when you are alone, is really easy. But tailing someone like a shadow, the way you tailed me for good 4 kilometers, is no easy task. You did it to perfection. So much so that, you may remember, that I was looking at you from the rear view mirror and I nodded in appreciation. You seemed to nod as well but then I don’t really remember as I was busy cutting a lane that time.

Fourth, next time you do this, don’t leave your car windows open. Nothing wrong with it. Even I enjoy the wind in my hair and all that but you know you have long hair. Ofcourse when they cover your face and that sly smile, you look all the more gorgeous but then I think in the long run, all the dust and sun could be bad for your hair. No? I mean you are a woman and you must know about this more than me for sure, who’s got like 20 hair strands left on his head. But anyways, it’s a matter of personal choice. I liked the whole effect of hair falling on your face, head, shoulders etc. Just that, i believe that the ones who are blessed with nice hair, must take care of em. Ask the ones like me!

And lastly and most importantly, same place, same time tomorrow?

Sincerely,
The guy in the Santro

Then and Now

Lemme try a new style. For the lack of imagination and better words, Id call this, Then and Now. And ofcourse this is about sgMS. I am thinking that I should start a new blog all together and call it “Letters to sgMS” or something. May be. But for the time being, here is the post. 

Then
Wake up. Think of her. Think of all the things that I could do. Make a plan of action of things that I could do during the day. Look forward to the day ahead.
Now
Wake up. Sulk. Go back to sleep.

Then
Call her moment I leave for work. Even before I lock the doors to my one bedroom existence or step into a rickshaw. I know that I would meet her during the day eventually but still, call her moment I am out.
Now
Wait for her call, message, email, something. Hope that something from her comes my way. Of course I cant call or send messages. All I can do is write things and then hope that someday she reads these. I know that these would lose meanings when (and if) she reads these but then I can only try.

Then
Reach work. Boot up my computer. Message her that I have reached. Get a feedback on what I am wearing. Share my office gossip with her. Hear her office gossip. Play music that she likes. Tell her about the music that I am playing. Take requests even though she may not hear them.
Now
Reach work. Regain sanity after a two hour drive. Ignore what I am wearing. Do not participate in gossip. Try and play some music. Shut the music before the first song is over. Sulk.

Then
During the day, after I have done some work, take a break and go get a coke for myself. Take VP or Rr with me for a walk to the coke shop. Talk to them about whatever. Try and bring her up in the conversation without anyone knowing about it. Miss her.
Now
During the day, do nothing. The entire day is a break. No coke. Miss being with her. Miss talking about her. Miss talking to her.

Then
Look forward to the evening when I would actually get to spend time with her. Even if its at any of those coffee shops.
Now
Dread the fall of the evening. Once its evening, wonder what to do. Kill time wondering. Get dejected and head home. Struggle through traffic for two hours.

Then
End the day, alone on my bed, trying to sleep and thinking about her. Conjuring up dreams of she and I living happily ever after.
Now
End the day, alone on my bed, trying to sleep and thinking about her. Conjuring up dreams of she and I living happily ever after.

Dear sgMS

Dear sgMS,

Its been quite some time since we decided that things weren’t going to work out between us and we need to move on. Of course its far easier said than done. And like we both knew all the time, that despite you being younger by more than a year, you are far more experienced in worldly matters. And you were the man in the relationship.

From the look of things, I guess, you did work on what we decided and you have indeed moved on. At least the constant barrage of messages, emails and phone calls has ceased from your side. Not that I wanted it to stop. I really really miss them. Every time the phone rings, something in me hopes its you. Every time there is an email, I hope its yet another picture of you that you would have clicked to show me the new accessory, dress or the gift you bought/got. Every-fucking-time baby!

You know, there hasn’t been single a day when I haven’t missed holding on to your hand. When I haven’t wondered multiple times a day what would you be up to. In fact in my greatest moment of glory, when my entire world (of less than 10 people) was showering praises on me for being the best, something was amiss. Till five minutes back I dint know what it was. Now that I am writing this and thinking about you, I know it was you who I was missing. I had kept searching and searching through all the faces that I knew and it sucked to know that you weren’t there. The damned victory felt incomplete. And you know that I don’t win often and every such instance matters a lot.

You know that whatever I do, is never ever complete without your inputs. You lend me so much strength that even insurmountable tasks become easy. I become oblivious to all the hardships and obstacles. So much so I refuse to even acknowledge their presence. The X, that marks the victory target becomes so easy to spot and reach. Of course I am lazy and procrastinate all the time but with your reminders, some of which are really cute, got things done. If not sooner, then later. There was this game that I constantly played. Cook up an idea, make you privy to it and then see you make me bring that idea to life! With you not around, life ain’t as much fun.

But then things change. Time changes. People change. You and I changed. From being inseparable, we grew comfortable living in different cities. And now a time has come when we no longer talk to each other and yet we continue to live. Survive in my case.

Of course both of us are extremely social. You have always had fans, friends and followers that were spread from New York to New Delhi, Surat to Sydney and Mumbai to London. I am sure you would have found comfort in their company. In fact some of them were really cool. So much so that it made me insecure. Though I told you that your friends make me insecure, and I have never admitted to this in the past, but when we were together I hardly had any issues with anyone. You were mine, you told me you were and that was all that mattered. But now, when we aren’t together, for some strange reason I feel bad, really bad when I hear that you are meeting them. I hate it when I get to know that they send you gifts for even non-occasions. Its a right, that I thought I had reserved, for rest of our lives. But then I cant really control things. Can I?

You know, after you left, even God seems to have deserted me. Of course I have been His favorite child and things have fallen in my lap when I dint expect them to. Dint you happen to me by chance? Who could have thought you and I could be together. You, the princess. And I, the ugly frog. I still remember that kiss that changed it all. Ya, that awkward one. Always brings a smile. I cant believe I turned away from you. I know you’d hold it against me for rest of our lives! There are tons of moments like that, and I can talk about them forever.

But then, I cant really live in the past. I need to look up to what future holds for me. There are dreams that I have always had. I need to work on them and get cracking. I know it would become all the more difficult without God and your shoulder for support. But I would still chase em. Its a different story that once I do get to those milestones, I will not be celebrating them. There cant really be any celebration when some part of me is away from me.

Baby, this is one those letters that I know would not reach you and even if it did, I know, it wont make an iota of difference to you. But then its my karma to write. What it does, what effect it has, I cant really control. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. I’d do my bit and then let things take their course. I had to write this because I was missing you like hell. I try not to!

I think that’s about it for the time being.

Hope you are doing good. Hope you are as strong as I have known you to be. Hope you are happy. I know I need to move on and all that. I am trying. Trust me.

Till next time,
Always,
SG

Aug 02: Love Letter 101

Dear You,

You know who you are. I am not sure if you read this blog. Nah, you dont have to be ashamed of the fact. No one does. Its one of those pointless things that people love to engage in. Actually I am not sure if people blog anymore. After all its the twitter generation. If you cant say it in 140 characters, not even words, characters, you are taking too much time and your audience has already moved on to the next effervescent thing. Effervescent. I think that is the word that defines conversations and relationships in this generation. Side note. Its funny how within my lifetime, I have seen multiple generations come and go. From the days when chatting on yahoo used to be in vogue, to orkut, to blogs, to facebook, and now to twitter. Wow. Thats 5 generations. Within the last 10 or so years. Anyways, coming back to conversations and relationships. Split second decisions and short term view is the name of the game now a days. You decide on drop of a hat and you move in an instant.

I, however, am still an old timer. I still love the fuzzy feeling of holding hands while walking on a long road. I still want to send flowery and cute greeting cards. I still want to write letters. I still want to read out long narratives on life and living when I am with someone I love. I want to do all those things to you. And more.

I am the kinds who thinks that 140 characters are too short for professing love. For that matter, even 140 words, or 140 letters, or even 140 long walks are too short to express how I feel about you.

Come to think of it, you and I, its really funny. If I was to ever describe the kind of woman I would want to be with, I could have never ever thought of someone who would resemble you even a bit. And now that I know you for a while, I am sure if someone asked you for your kind of man, I would probably be the last man on this planet!

You know, it was not love at first sight. When I first saw you, I dismissed you as yet another woman who was different from the crowd. But then like all different women, you had something that was, different! Slowly but gradually I was hooked. To you. The way you talked. They way you dressed. The way got the sunshine to peek through the clouds. The way you made things simple. The way you reassured that things would be better. Eventually.

And once I realized that its you, I started making those foolish attempts at trying to woo you. And was it difficult? Phew!

I have dropped hazaar words, hints, gestures, things, all trying to get your attention. All in hopes of telling how much you mean to me. You, however, refuse to catch the line. Is it me who is trying too hard or is it you? Too smart for someone as hopelessly in love as I? Anyways I believe that hope floats and wishes do come true. They take time, but they do.

Pray tell me that you understand. Tell me that you are just acting up and acting pricey. Please give me that smile that can brighten the gloomiest of the days. Give me that touch that can make all the pain in the word go away. Give me that sign.

Your’s,
I

P.S.: Anyone is free to use this letter, in any form they deem fit. If you do use this letter, please let me know. Thank you.
This is day 02 in a series of 31 daily blogposts. Other posts are here.