I have this maniacal flip flop switch in my head. It gets triggered at odd hours that I cant seem to control. I could be in the middle of a gathering of some of my people and boom! it goes and I am lost for words. I want to get away from everyone and everything. At other times, I am dumped in one of the million miseries that shroud me and click it goes and I am happy. For no reason.
And this happens very often. There is no set pattern per se but it does happen. And unlike other miseries, it does not come with a warning. If there were warnings, I could be prepared. But no, there are no warnings.
I dont know if this is a known disorder but the pseudo-smart dude in me has deduced that I am probably suffering from a mild form of bipolar disease. I have spoken about it on this blog at least twice (one, two) in the past. A quick glance at the two posts tell me that nothing has changed. I am little better in terms of where I am going with life. But I am still not anywhere close to any source of eternal happiness.
So this flip flop switch remains a mystery to me. And because I have this desperate need for closure, I have to find an answer to it. I have tried everything short of getting professional help – I may do so if things continue to go like this. I have infact made a list of questions that I have about this. A not so comprehensive list would be…
- Am I the only to have these demons in my head?
- Is there an end? Will I ever reach a state of bliss? Or I will have to succumb to alcohol, substance abuse and all that?
- How do I fix it? Do I need to find a job? Do I need to get married? Do I need an adventure? What the fuck do I need?
Any answers anyone? No? Well, Thank you!
Apart from this list, I have also told myself to start taking notes. For two things – the triggers for the switch and when / how of things that help me come out of it. Because once I know these two, I can get little more rational and predictable and genteel in my demeanor.
So, what causes it? There are no specific answers but the likely suspects are…
- The times when I wish sgMS was next to me. At a gathering of friends, at a new place that I travel to, when I do something big and other things that ought to be shared with someone special. And there is no one as special as she.
- The times when I get rubbed the wrong way by people. This could be colleagues at work (I cant digest incompetence), strangers (talking to me rudely without a reason), friends and family (for no reason) et al. Of course in all the cases, I have to be at fault (I am the I am not ok, you are ok type). I have just too many things that limit me. I may need to get out of it. In fact, a friend says, that as a poor man, you can not be eccentric. Unless you are Roark.
- Incessant work meetings that dont have an end or a destination in sight. Agreed my entire life is like a meandering deer in an infinite pasture and a paper boat drifting aimlessly in a downward stream. But I dont understand how people who have worked for ages at fancy places with great people could be do indecisive. It sucks to see such incompetence running large companies. If
they Elon could find a way to automate the decision making and take the onus off people, life would be so so much better. BTW, there is this entire debate about efficacy of mechanical, artificially intelligent decision making vs human judgement (judgement based on available data, experience and gut). I tend to lean on the human side but we ought to work towards making AI engines smarter. Ok, I digressed.
- Inability to get things done. My work requires me to talk to a lot of people and I have lately realized that I suck at getting things done from other people. In the words of @Jason, I am Bob Dylan, not Rolling Stones. So, it could be my inability to get work done from people? Or my inability to understand their inability to comprehend simple things and do things? Arrghhh… am ranting!
Cutting short the list. There are many more reasons but these were the things from the top of my head.
And how do I come out of it?
- Often a session of music (by Lucky Ali, Rabbi, Dylan) helps – I love to drown the outside voice by blaring loud music in my ears.
- Other times a drive helps. But then my partner in crime is sort of moving up in life, I dont get to go on drives as much. May be if I could afford a car, I could go more often?
- Writing helps. But I dont get into the flow most times when I am sad. Sometime I do. Like when I started writing this post, I was sad (even though there is no reason for being sad) and somehow as I write this, I can see the shroud lifting. Inshallah it does. I shall report at the end of the post if I am back to the normal self.
- It often helps if I eat something nice (classic symptom of depression).
- I try my hand at mindless work (like aligning objects on the latest powerpoint deck that I am working on) and it often helps. But I dont really have a lot of powerpoints to work on on most days.
I cant think of more. And like the triggers, this list of antidotes is also from the top of my head. I probably need to list more such things. May be I will keep a track of things on my Evernote or something?
Good idea! It sounds like a plan and I shall take notes and report next time something changes substantially. Over n out.
Oh, one more thing. While I was ranting, the answer dawned on to me. From the philosopher and guide, Rabbi Shergill. He says and I quote..
jaddon na kujh agge disse
tahiyon bandaa vekhe picche
Translates into, when you cant see whats up ahead, you tend to look back. So may be, just may be, my problem is that I look back too often? May be I need to have something to look up to?
What do you guys look up to?
P.S.: I think I am far better than what I was when I started writing this. So, thumbs up!
P.P.S.: I have captured things that fuck up my mood. I need to capture things that elevate it as well.
