After the brouhaha about the new year got over, something else has seemed to settled in. The feeling of being inadequate. In the normal course of things, feeling of inadequacy is a great thing. You feel you are not working per your potential. You want to do more. You actually do more. You shift up the level. At the new level, you are inadequate all over again. And then you strive harder. It becomes a loop. Till the day you die. And you have lived a life where you have continuously upgraded yourself. You’ve sort of become someone who is known to push boundaries.
For this feeling, I dont know who / what to put the blame on. The weather in Mumbai is colder than it has ever been. No, it doesnt effect me per se but I think its making me lazy and sleepy the entire day. Or is it that the change in diet — that I have forced myself is — taking away my energy levels? I mean I havent added anything new per se – just that I am eating less of what I was eating all this while. Or may be its my nose that is troubling me — I have these polyps that dont allow me to breathe properly and I have to breathe through my mouth — making it tough to eat, sleep or even talk at times. Or may be its that damn pining for that special someone that is making me restless. Am I ready for committing to one person? Am I over sgMS? Or, or am I about to die? After all those yogis and rishis and everyone like that could sense that when their time was up!
Back to this in a bit. The other thing is that lately, I’ve noticed that I tend to forget things. I used to be great with names, places, people, little tit-bits that no one else noticed. These days I cant seem to remember anything for my life. The other day VG sent me a picture from a trip that we had made some 10 years ago – I dont recall much about the ride but the memories of that trip are classified under “best trips of life.” and yet I cant remember it! Names and places tend to muddle up in my head. I cant recall conversations that I have had with clients – I’ve never needed to take notes but lately I am relying on them more and more. Yesterday someone asked me DOB of my parents and I had to check the fucking calendar to recall the dates! I met sgMS the other day and she was asking about the last time we kissed and I had no memory of it.
Ive always been the brainy kinds, a good student (till I was in school), anal about attention to detail. I judge people on the basis of sloppiness that they show when they work. I rate colleagues on the basis of their intelligence and IQ. Well, I know its shallow of me and all that. An organized person to me is an epitome of someone who’s out there to make a meaning. Without a brain, I am sorry, there is no meaning. I understand that some people may have got dealt a bad hand in the Ovarian Lottery and got no brains there but thats ok – they may exist where they are – I want to be around people who are lucky. Luck begets luck.
Side note. No wonder I cant be with sgMS. She hit a jackpot with the Ovarian Lottery and I was barred from even buying a ticket. The way I look, the way I dress, I get stopped by guards even at the place where I live!
Coming back. This loss of memory or whatever it is has made me realize the plight of old people. for no fault of their own, they are suddenly invalids, not required. And that’s not a cool thing. And age is anyway something that I loathe. I remain committed that the day I need someone to help me get on my feet, I will kill myself.
Zooming out. I dont know if all these (general drowsiness during the day, the nasal polyp, the longing for love, the feeling of inadequacy and the malfunctioning brain) point to something larger. Or I am making a mountain of a mole. The point is, there is no reasons for my dreariness and I cant pin point. I may claim to be a creative individual, I am for sure a Type A person. I want to know the reasons and I want to identify the causes. I want bloody answers for the general dissatisfaction. Or whatever it is. Ennui? Weltschmerz? I will never know!
But…
But like all clouds, this one has a silver lining. A few things are working out in the year. I have made a few changes in how I live. Here’s a list.
- I am playing pool regularly (regularly is defined as 3 hours a week; a couple of years ago, it was poker). I remain committed to plan an Am tourney this year.
- I now have a great guitar tutor that comes once in two weeks.
- I started work on Book2. I will get it publishing-ready this year.
- I am committed to getting in shape by end of this year. Will be 32″ on 31 Dec 2017. And I know I am supposed to climb the Everest by 2025.
Also, yesterday two super cool things happened.
A, I stumbled on this post by Nike where they had put this image up. It couldn’t have come at a more opportune time. I am trying to make 2017 great. I am doing things that I haven’t done ever. I may be a Tony Robbins deep down but I do need motivation once in a while and this one was just right. Plus I am reading finished reading Phil Knight’s book on how he build Nike. It is so inspiring that I want to do it. I want to be Phil Knight. I want to create my Nike. Ok, lemme not digress. The book is so amazing that I wrote an entire blogpost on it. Will repub is here eventually.
Coming back. The point is that the new year greeting by Nike is spot on! Its a new year. It has 12 chapters. It’s gonna give me, us, 365 opportunities. To make the year count. And we better make it count.
B. A friend of mine who I believe is a living testimony of all the 7 vices — his biggest one being sloth — said something strange.
Lemme give context. I was talking to him about acid and how I ought to try it (read this for “inspiration”) to find my peak optimal performance levels. Normally, I would expect him to support me with such things. Afterall he is the biggest advocate of a life lived well and he is the epitome of hedonism (I couldnt recall the exact word and I had to come back before I write this; ref my memory loss). This guy, probably the most intelligent and most well-read of all my friends, few years ago, one fine day he decides that he doesn’t want to work and he quit everything – his job, his family, his social circle. And then he tried all sorts of things – drugs, alcohol, women – think of a vice and he had tried it. He did it to the extreme that everyone, sort of, lost hope. I expected him to be sympathetic to my “cause” and help me score.
But no. Nada! He said something else altogether. He said something like, rather than these psychedelics drugs, focus on eating right, exercise and meditation.
I was shocked! I mean wow! Here’s a man who most people around me consider lost, often I considered lost is talking sense the way sane people do! He then spoke of how he’s back (he’s one of the most talented people I know of) and he’s trying to build his life back. He gave me hope. He gave me that ray of sunshine that winters in Mumbai needed. Lol. Winters in Mumbai. May be, clouds in my head. Or the Vitamin D deficiency – after all, I hate the sun!
So, if I dont try to go on the trip, I must thank or blame him (whatever may be the case). The blog is a testimony.
That’s it for the time being.
After this long ranty post, here are two takeaways from me.
- A. Pick up some tools, games, puzzles that help me work on my brain. Give it some exercise. Its a muscle after all. Or is it not?
- B. Like Nike said, I have 365 chances this year. 15 are gone (not really, I did work on those days). I have 350 more. How many will I take up?
And most importantly, now that you’ve gone through the ordeal of reading these 1000 or so words, you know all about taking chances and all that. How many will YOU take up?