#note2Self – Page 2

Notes from a Maker Day

Today I stayed at home. I tried to make this a Maker Day (ref here). Here are some observations from the day so far.

1. The world did not come to an end, because I was not at work. In fact, I realized that people at work don’t need me. Work = consultancy gig that pays my bills. This also means that I have more time on my hands than I believe. This means that I can pick a new project. Or finish one of the old ones. This also means that I may not have the gig (they dont need me, why would they pay me?). This means I need to find a new cash flow thing soon.

2. I am not lazy. I still started the day at 7. I was on my computer, planning, plotting, creating things by 730 max. And then I took a break at 11. And then I slept and was back working at 2. And as I write this, its 5. In the last 3 hours I have got a lot of things done. So, I work better when I am by myself. And I think better when I am with people. So, the manager days, when I am in office, I need to divide those into meeting times and non-meeting times.

3. Last few days I’ve been thinking of work. And I realized that I am little less anxious about money. I am fucked in the head because of the lack of impact of what I do. But I am little more sorted. Probably the realization that I am not as great as I thought of myself as and thus I need to settle for whatever I have.

4. The other minor thing is that while I cant seem to work from home, I need to find a better solution than Starbucks. Thing is, it’s expensive – Rs. 200 per hour (no, they don’t ask me to buy coffee, I feel guilty about not paying). And B, I need change of location every now and then. So I need the flexibility of coming and going. May be there is some coworking space that is in Powai that I can use? Buy time there personally? Need to think more on this.

5. I need to fill this maker day with some activities that add to my health. May be a run. I know I cant run in the morning. I love that time too much to mix it with running. So need to add an evening run.

6. Also, there is no pattern to what I work on. So, I may be mistaking being busy with getting things done. I need to evaluate with a critical eye. Today, as I write this, I have done the following tasks. Lemme see if they add to a larger thing. Here is a list…
– Transcribed the podcast with MK – reputation, give back, pay it forward
– Pushed the ball ahead on xT – money
– Various admin things done on a client for AWSL – money
– Wrote this blogpost – writing, reflection
– Initiated a new project with SG – money, pay it forward
– Connected two acquaintances – grow network, pay it forward

So, in all, looks an ok day. I did not work on health or book2. I’d try to see a pattern and then take a call.

7 . I restarted on the daily track. Context here. Made an excel sheet. I know my goals. Everest. And 1 billion dollars. Here is the sheet. You will have access if I want you to have access. As on today, I have 3145 days left. Looks like a lot. But it isnt. I have been here for give or take 12500 days and I have nothing to show for those days. So there’s a lot to be done in the 3000 odd that I have. I can not rest. Each minute has to be spent towards something larger than me.

8. I am meeting a classmate from MDI. Trying to help him with his business. Hopefully getting some help back on what I am upto. Met him. Rather than I helping him, he was more help!

9. Looked at my cash flow statement. Two things stare at me. A, I have been spending a lot lately. I need to control it. B, there is outstanding payments on end of all clients. Not a good thing because I am getting into the rut of cash flow cycles. VG gave me a great advice. Either I need to invest money back in the business. Or skim from the top and invest somewhere.

Thats about it for the day. More updates on the next Maker Day. Oh, and tomorrow is a Manager Day. Will catalog it. And here’s the song for the day…

The Sleeping Pattern Puzzle

Last few days (about a couple of weeks), I have been having weird sleeping patterns. I dont have data but I suspect that I am not sleeping well. Sidenote 1. Get a sleep tracker to find what is wrong where. Which one to get? iWatch? Fitbit?

I am awake most of the night and when I do get into the REM cycle (do I?), it is not really “fulfilling.” I dont seem to recall my dreams (earlier I could – I actually kept a dream journal for a bit). I dont get up energized and all that.

Thing is, I actually love to sleep, I know about the benefits of the sleep. But I still maintain that sleep is an inefficient body function (like hair and nails – we are way beyond on the evolution curve where we need hair or nails). All we have is about 70 years (unless all the attempts to elongate the human life fail) and sleeping takes away 1/3rd of our productive time (of whatever is left after 1/3rd of our life spent chasing education).

Coming back, I dont know what causes my general lack of sleep. No, I dont suffer from Monday Blues or something. I am not sure if I am depressed. Sidenote 2. Get a professional to do a check up. My bed is comfortable. There is no TV or any other screens in the bedroom. I stop using my phone about 15 minutes before I want to sleep. I have AC set on 22. The room is relatively dark. I have a bedsheet handy in case I feel cold. I am hydrated and keep a bottle of water on the bedside. I dont like the fan so there is no winds to rustle up and disturb me. There is enough space in the room. You see, I have every ingredient that you need to get a good nights sleep.

But, I dont get sleep.

There is no worries that keep me up at night, except my lack of achievements despite my age. I am in reasonably good health, except that I am 84 KGs – which is more or less the weight I’ve had since I can remember. I have enough money to quit doing what I am doing and live for two years with the same sort of lifestyle.

And yet, I dont get sleep.

It could be my nasal polyps that prevent me from sleeping well. But then we can breathe in from the mouth and that sort of helps me breathe. Since I refuse to go to a doc, I am on alternative remedies. I tried going to a homeopath but I cant seem to stick to a schedule of taking meds. So, I am trying steam. I will graduate to a Neti pot if I see advantages in a steam. And then take it from there. But then I have a deadlines impending (of the Everest) and I cant wait forever. So, fix the shit! Sidenote 3. If the nostril does not open by end of July, go get a surgery done.

So, yeah! This is it. My sleeping disorder. In as much glory and with as many facts as I could muster.

365 New Chances

After the brouhaha about the new year got over, something else has seemed to settled in. The feeling of being inadequate. In the normal course of things, feeling of inadequacy is a great thing. You feel you are not working per your potential. You want to do more. You actually do more. You shift up the level. At the new level, you are inadequate all over again. And then you strive harder. It becomes a loop. Till the day you die. And you have lived a life where you have continuously upgraded yourself. You’ve sort of become someone who is known to push boundaries.

For this feeling, I dont know who / what to put the blame on. The weather in Mumbai is colder than it has ever been. No, it doesnt effect me per se but I think its making me lazy and sleepy the entire day. Or is it that the change in diet — that I have forced myself is — taking away my energy levels? I mean I havent added anything new per se – just that I am eating less of what I was eating all this while. Or may be its my nose that is troubling me — I have these polyps that dont allow me to breathe properly and I have to breathe through my mouth — making it tough to eat, sleep or even talk at times. Or may be its that damn pining for that special someone that is making me restless. Am I ready for committing to one person? Am I over sgMS? Or, or am I about to die? After all those yogis and rishis and everyone like that could sense that when their time was up!

Back to this in a bit. The other thing is that lately, I’ve noticed that I tend to forget things. I used to be great with names, places, people, little tit-bits that no one else noticed. These days I cant seem to remember anything for my life. The other day VG sent me a picture from a trip that we had made some 10 years ago – I dont recall much about the ride but the memories of that trip are classified under “best trips of life.” and yet I cant remember it! Names and places tend to muddle up in my head. I cant recall conversations that I have had with clients – I’ve never needed to take notes but lately I am relying on them more and more. Yesterday someone asked me DOB of my parents and I had to check the fucking calendar to recall the dates! I met sgMS the other day and she was asking about the last time we kissed and I had no memory of it.

Ive always been the brainy kinds, a good student (till I was in school), anal about attention to detail. I judge people on the basis of sloppiness that they show when they work. I rate colleagues on the basis of their intelligence and IQ. Well, I know its shallow of me and all that. An organized person to me is an epitome of someone who’s out there to make a meaning. Without a brain, I am sorry, there is no meaning. I understand that some people may have got dealt a bad hand in the Ovarian Lottery and got no brains there but thats ok – they may exist where they are – I want to be around people who are lucky. Luck begets luck.

Side note. No wonder I cant be with sgMS. She hit a jackpot with the Ovarian Lottery and I was barred from even buying a ticket. The way I look, the way I dress, I get stopped by guards even at the place where I live!

Coming back. This loss of memory or whatever it is has made me realize the plight of old people. for no fault of their own, they are suddenly invalids, not required. And that’s not a cool thing. And age is anyway something that I loathe. I remain committed that the day I need someone to help me get on my feet, I will kill myself.

Zooming out. I dont know if all these (general drowsiness during the day, the nasal polyp, the longing for love, the feeling of inadequacy and the malfunctioning brain) point to something larger. Or I am making a mountain of a mole. The point is, there is no reasons for my dreariness and I cant pin point. I may claim to be a creative individual, I am for sure a Type A person. I want to know the reasons and I want to identify the causes. I want bloody answers for the general dissatisfaction. Or whatever it is. Ennui? Weltschmerz? I will never know!

But…

But like all clouds, this one has a silver lining. A few things are working out in the year. I have made a few changes in how I live. Here’s a list.

I am playing pool regularly (regularly is defined as 3 hours a week; a couple of years ago, it was poker). I remain committed to plan an Am tourney this year.
I now have a great guitar tutor that comes once in two weeks.
I started work on Book2. I will get it publishing-ready this year.
I am committed to getting in shape by end of this year. Will be 32″ on 31 Dec 2017. And I know I am supposed to climb the Everest by 2025.

Longer list of things for 2017 is here.

Also, yesterday two super cool things happened.

A, I stumbled on this post by Nike where they had put this image up. It couldn’t have come at a more opportune time. I am trying to make 2017 great. I am doing things that I haven’t done ever. I may be a Tony Robbins deep down but I do need motivation once in a while and this one was just right. Plus I am ~~reading~~ finished reading Phil Knight’s book on how he build Nike. It is so inspiring that I want to do it. I want to be Phil Knight. I want to create my Nike. Ok, lemme not digress. The book is so amazing that I wrote an entire blogpost on it. Will repub is here eventually.

Coming back. The point is that the new year greeting by Nike is spot on! Its a new year. It has 12 chapters. It’s gonna give me, us, 365 opportunities. To make the year count. And we better make it count.

B. A friend of mine who I believe is a living testimony of all the 7 vices — his biggest one being sloth — said something strange.

Lemme give context. I was talking to him about acid and how I ought to try it (read this for “inspiration”) to find my ~~peak~~ optimal performance levels. Normally, I would expect him to support me with such things. Afterall he is the biggest advocate of a life lived well and he is the epitome of hedonism (I couldnt recall the exact word and I had to come back before I write this; ref my memory loss). This guy, probably the most intelligent and most well-read of all my friends, few years ago, one fine day he decides that he doesn’t want to work and he quit everything – his job, his family, his social circle. And then he tried all sorts of things – drugs, alcohol, women – think of a vice and he had tried it. He did it to the extreme that everyone, sort of, lost hope. I expected him to be sympathetic to my “cause” and help me score.

But no. Nada! He said something else altogether. He said something like, rather than these psychedelics drugs, focus on eating right, exercise and meditation.

I was shocked! I mean wow! Here’s a man who most people around me consider lost, often I considered lost is talking sense the way sane people do! He then spoke of how he’s back (he’s one of the most talented people I know of) and he’s trying to build his life back. He gave me hope. He gave me that ray of sunshine that winters in Mumbai needed. Lol. Winters in Mumbai. May be, clouds in my head. Or the Vitamin D deficiency – after all, I hate the sun!

So, if I dont try to go on the trip, I must thank or blame him (whatever may be the case). The blog is a testimony.

That’s it for the time being.

After this long ranty post, here are two takeaways from me.

A. Pick up some tools, games, puzzles that help me work on my brain. Give it some exercise. Its a muscle after all. Or is it not?
B. Like Nike said, I have 365 chances this year. 15 are gone (not really, I did work on those days). I have 350 more. How many will I take up?

And most importantly, now that you’ve gone through the ordeal of reading these 1000 or so words, you know all about taking chances and all that. How many will YOU take up?

Why am I #foreverAlone?

Been meaning to write this post for ~~almost~~ more than a week. As I write this, I am at an empty office, not wanting to go home (because there’s nothing to do at home) and finding excuses to delay the inevitable. So, here it goes.

Disclaimer: This is probably one of the most depressing posts that I’ve written ~~in a while~~ ever. A HUGE huge crib alert. PLEASE read at own peril. Graphic content ahead. Extremely personal. Judge me if you will but this is me. My truest thoughts and feelings. In black and white. Of course, I will try to cover up this post with an extremely cheerful one (to maintain balance – if nothing else). But before that I need to pour my heart out. And I don’t have anyone else to share with but the pseudo-anonymity of this blog.

Last Monday, I was in Bangalore (because I was transporting a car) and I was super excited to meet some really good friends. I also had made plans of meeting up with some fans of #tnks (yes! there are some).

And for a change, there were no hiccups and I did all that I had planned.

In fact, I loved the day I spent at Bangalore. I am beginning to think of Bangalore as my secret love affair (the way Delhi is my identity and Mumbai is my life). So, the weather was perfect. I did not get stuck in traffic. The credit card worked, the free wi-fi was fast, I wore shorts all day long. Etc. Etc.

Started the day by spending the first few hours at a Starbucks, working. Then lunched with a really really dear friend – met her after ages. Followed by a coffee at a fancy hotel with a reader. And then the evening snack with a fan at one of the most famous watering holes in Bangalore. I even played a game of pool, that I lost terribly (I need to pick up the cue all over again and get back to the game).

After the game when the beer started flowing, things went out of control. I had one drink too many.

If you know me, you would know how much I loathe people who consume alcohol beyond their limits. And I did that. And like all drunkards, I puked all over the place. I detested it but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Thankfully I had enough sense to not spew on my clothes or at the houses of others. It’s a miracle how I took an Uber, a flight and eventually a rick to reach home. The next 4 days that followed, were nightmarish.

They’ve been so bad and so gloomy that I want to hide under a thick quilt and not emerge out of it. And I hate it when I am like that. I do everything it takes to not go down that lane.

Brings me to the first resolve of this post. I will not ~~consume~~ indulge alcohol ever again. In any shape or format.

Continuing.

So while I drove the 1000 KMs to Bangalore and when afterwards I was sick of all the alcohol, a few realisations happened. I mean what else do you do when you are unwell? All you are left capable to do is puke, make attempts at eating (and vomiting out whatever little you’ve eaten) and ruminate about the days gone by, trying to relive the good times and creating the fantasy world where all is hunky dory? May be this is why most great poets, authors have / had a problem with alcohol?

Well, I don’t know about them but when I was down and out, I did not get any interesting plots or conversations or brain waves. Like I said, all I got was self-pity, self-loathing and the urge to dig a hole, hide deep in it, close the entry with an immovable rock, shovel it with some snow and grow a huge banyan tree over it. And stay shut in it. Forever.

Not one thought was a happy one. In fact I think the gloomy mood of the last few days has been induced by alcohol and all these sad thoughts. May be it’s a feedback loop. Whatever it is, I have to confront it. I need to pour it out. Can’t keep in my system.

One of things I realised was, I’ve left just too many open windows. And I’ve never been the kinds to leave so many of these open. It sucks to know that you agreed to help someone and then you did not get back to them or deliver. I know how it feels when something you count on does not pan out. I dont want to be to the source of someone’s disappointment. I really need to apologise to everyone. If you are reading this and I haven’t got back to you, I apologise.

Of course you judge people on the basis of their actions (not words). Thus, the second promise to myself. I need to learn to say no. Even if that makes me less likeable. I havent had a foggiest clue as to why I have this thing where I want to be liked by people?

Dont know. Moving on.

The next thing that makes me miserable is this thing about constant comparison with others. I know I have achieved less than others (self-pity alert) and you know what? I love to flaunt it! I mean I have reduced this to an extent but I am yet to stop. And honestly, I can’t seem to stop it.

In fact, as I write this, there is this thought in my head that people younger than me, people who more troubles than me, people who seem to be on their own, say SamA, think deeply about things that could impact others. Then there are people like Lalit who’ve taken their passions and haven’t waited for any vindication before launching their careers! They just do. I just whine. Like a 6-year old. For no reason. sgMS is right. I am yet to see real life and if these simple things can break me, maybe I dont have any right to believe that I can change the world!

So, thing # 3. I need to stop comparing myself. And thing # 4, need to realise that there are bigger things than I.

Next, like they say, when things go tough, tough gets going. Everyone around me is giving me a hard time for some reason. From my yoga teacher to my partner to my vendors to my clients to my team to my parents to my accountant to sgMS and even I myself am giving a hard time to me. And funny thing is, this is when I need people around me. I need a shoulder. I need support. When I dont have anything to look up to. I mean there is no unicorn happening. The book is delayed. There is no sight of the reason. There is no meaning.

I could take shelter in work. But that too is stalled. Not stalled per se but needs solid intervention. I have so so so many things happening at work front. I desperately need to hire and I can’t find people. I know I cant pay well. I know I am not as inspiring as Steve. Or even Raj for that matter. And the vision that I have for what I do is very very utopian at best.

Apart from pulling up my socks when it comes to work, I need to up my game. And I am struggling with it. I talked about it last month as well. And even though its been more than 30 days since, I am still struggling. Need to end the struggle and get some real action. Real inspirational work. Real dent.

But, I am aware enough to know that its super tough. And I know my limitations. I dont know how people do things by themselves – all those entrepreneurs, scientists, athletes etc. I dont know how those lone nuts pull through things. I need to either learn from them. Or I need a Warren. Or a Charlie. Even a Watson would do.

Thing is, most of my friends are merely marriages of convenience. I do not have any close friends – the kinds they write about in books and movies. And I know secretly crave for some. I really want to be a part of a cult, some gang, something where I belong. And the belonging goes more than just a tattoo on the right-hand sleeve.

Not just the friendship bit, in general loneliness sucks. May be, just may be, I am ready for a relationship, a marriage (I know this is song for my parents’ ears).

But this feeling of loneliness is a one off thing that I get when I am unwell. So may be not. Do I want a relationship on the days that I am well? I dont know. I guess I am too old for anything meaningful. I mean I am 33 already. And if not there, then almost at the halfway mark. Why would I even bother. The way these years have gone by, the others will too. No?

Brings me to that eternal debate, the never-ending thread that holds me hanging onto and wanting to let go of everything I do – What is the purpose? What is the meaning of all this? Why do we exist? What’s the reason? Any sages? Or do I go back to Guruji‘s wise words and assume that this too shall pass?

Anyone?

P.S.: This post is not meant to be a piece of exaggeration. I really am sorry for have wasted a week of my life and a very very important one at that (I had a very important event that I missed). Unrelated, someone I know (a friend’s husband who has observed me from far) quipped that I am a high-functioning sociopath. May be I am. And may be that’s why sgMS went away. May be that’s why I dont have a Warren. May be that’s why I am #foreverAlone?

P.P.S.: No, I do not want your sympathy or attention. If you can read this with equanimity, thank you. If you can’t, please do not lend a shoulder or a glass.

Why the fuck…

So it’s been some time since I’ve written. Last post was on Feb 23 – that time I thought I was going to die. But as I’ve found out, I am not! And if I am not dead, why the fuck have I NOT made a post on my blog? Or written anything else? Why am I even alive?

Two weeks. I have no excuse to be honest for not writing. I know I was busy. I know I was travelling. I was unwell. I know I was fucked in the head. But then, that’s no excuse for not writing.

In an alternate universe, in two weeks I could have written 15000 words. And in 6 such two-week pockets, I would have written the next book! Like Charles says…

Source: Unknnow. Found via Google Image Search

Now that we are talking about book 2, ladies and gents, I know its long overdue! It was to hit the stands last december (2015) but I am nowhere close to even completion. I am sure my publisher has given up on me. However from what I hear the first book is ~~no longer~~ hardly available on any of the online bookstores (the wait time to get delivery is 10 days). So the first print run of 2500 is almost over – I guess. So may be there is a reprint sometime in future. Depends on the publisher. Let him take a call. I’ve done my bit by writing it.

Coming to the next book, lately, a lot of people have started to ask me about the status of my next book. May be they genuinely enjoyed the first one. Or they are genuinely concerned about my writing career. Or they dont have anything else to talk to me about. Irrespective, I need to uphold their trust and faith in me. I ought to write. If not for them, then for myself.

So there. I will ensure that the book comes out before end of this year. With or without a publisher. Wish me luck!

Untitled – 11Feb2016

This is a follow up post on my previous one about an event. For the lazy ones, on the last post I ~~spoke~~ ranted about how I loved working on an event after almost two years.

So, the event happened, with some changes (1-day instead of 3, less complex, more stressful, higher expectations, unfamiliar crew etc.). And I loved it. For the simple reason that I was on my toes for two days. I could see things happen – instantly – no waiting for approvals, no red tape, no jargon. All action. And then, I was on the top. I could tell people to move their ass and I could see things happening. I was in control. I was talking to different kinds of people – client (had to be polite), vendors (had to be tactful), workers (had to be rude), the hotel staff (diplomatic) and each kind of person had their unique backgrounds and experiences.

The show was a very very simple one in the end. A VIP speech, some awards to guests, a dance troupe and thats it. No frills (compared to elaborate things I did while I was at Gravity). So, may be I am making a mountain out of a mole. But it was important for me. I egged on RG to take up the project and told him that I will deliver it to perfection. And I think I did. And its a big fucking deal! Both in the short term and in the long term. Short – last few days have been messed up for a lot of reasons and I needed something to be happy about. Long – I now know that I can pull off whatever shit is required, at least in the events business. May be I need to focus exclusively on it and build it? May be. Lets see.

There are a few unrelated observations though. Let me make a list.

A. I missed the team I am used to working with (read Suvi from Gravity and Dipanker, Solomon, Piuysh, Sanjeev, Pradeep, Meghna, Mrs. Mohan etc – I want to list everyone at Gravity here but I shall not). Since this was an event for a new client, I hardly ~~know~~ trust their team. And I hardly know the client. And I did not know the vendors at all. So there were like a million times when I wished there was Suvi next to me on the console. There was Killa on the sound, Solo on AV, Sanjeev on call for everything else.

Moment I put up the walkie while running the show, I was taken back to our conversations and gossip while running a show.

The craziest realization was that while setting up, everytime I fucked up or I needed some advice, I would call out loud, “Suvi, nahi ho raha, just see this,” only to realise that Suvi is nowhere around. I was testing the mics and I wanted the monitor levels to go down, I yelled, “Killa, reduce the damn monitor” and there was no Killa. When I saw someone from the crew fucking up, I missed having Piyush around to get them in line. You get the point. Damn, we were an amazing bunch at Gravity. Dunno what happened.

B. I think I now realize the importance of what I did while I was at Gravity. Wait, let me explain. There are multiple layers to this. I will not digress, but in short, sgMS did not approve of my choice of career as an events guy, she felt I could do better with my life. And I agreed back then. Agree even now. In fact, I even felt that events are sham and why spend money and all that. This time, however, even a simple event like this one made so many people happy, that I am amazed! May be events is interesting after all.

I think at an event, the emotional brain probably takes over. I mean, how many times does a client come and hug you after you have presented him with a brand strategy document? Even if the hug was awkward!

C. I grew up as an events guy. I got into technical discussion and fabrication and design and other things. Things that I always assumed someone from team (read point A) would have done. This time, there was no one to back me up. The people I was working for, they also dont really do events. So I was on my own and I had to do everything. And it was such a learning experience. I realized why Dipanker went out to smoke at least once with each technician before the show.

D. Realised the importance of planning. Things went well because we had planned so much and so hard. Next time on, I am not doing an event without putting this much effort.

Context: At Gravity, events is bread and butter and like Suvi says, “We do a show like this everyday and even a trainee at Gravity could execute it this well, without anyone else knowing about it.” So, often we would not put a lot of time or effort in various shows. We would rely on the team to execute. And they did. But I dont have the luxury of a team. Neither I have the luxury of working with people who’ve given all their lives to events. So I have to be prepared. Because if I do my homework well, I could be content that I put in the effort. But then, do efforts really count? Results definitely do. Digressing.

So, while this one went well, I am sure there will be bad days. In fact I have faced quite a few of those. I can think of two particular incidents when everything failed and the client was left red faced (TKS at Mumbai and MB at Vancouver). Thankfully, there was Suvi to take the heat. Now on, however, there is no Suvi. There is me.

E. I learnt that I still get depressed after a show is over. I dont know why. May be something to with adrenaline pumping out? Who knows.

Anyhow, thats all I have for today’s update. As they say, all that ends well is well. This one was well. Have taken my lessons and I shall continue to try.

So, until the next one,
Over and out.

P.S.: Thank you Suvi. Everything I know about events, you have taught me. And you have made me better. Hope to be as good as you some day. And the other unsung heroes of Gravity, thank you guys! Also, Hardeep Sir, if you are reading this, thank you. You know why.

P.P.S.: Thank you RG at V for trusting me and giving me the opportunity to do this. Thank you VG for telling me that you look forward to reading these posts. Thanks man.

P.P.P.S.: Want to hire an event manager agency? Please give me an opportunity. I am at saurabh.garg@gmail.com.

#note2Self: Thoughts as I was writing this…

For each blogpost that I write, I dont really have a direction where I want it to go. I spew words and when I cant think of more things, I end the post. May not be a great way to write. I dont think I will be a good writer if I knew of the agenda, the topic or the outcome.

My constant crib is that despite my age, I am worried about inane things – like my need to control the outcome, my need to remain busy et al. While people my age (read Mark Zuckerberg) are busy changing the world!

sgMS says that I use the word I way too many times. I this, I that. In ten sentences, I type I 50 times on average. Take this one for example – 8 “I”s in the last three sentences!

Thank You, Charles

I dont know who introduced me to Charles. Must’ve been Suds – he only talks about such radicals. Whoever it was, heartfelt thanks to that person. Even though I dont understand much of Charles’ poetry, I think I can comprehend some of his prose. Actually, leave alone his work, I cant get the spellings of his name right. I have to look up everytime. Buk-wos-ki? Buk-os-ki? Buk-ow-ski?

The point anyhow is that some of things that he said are phenomenal! Like one of his pieces go, “I wasnt much of a petty thief. I wanted the whole world or nothing.”

“I wasn’t much of a petty thief, I wanted the whole world… or nothing.”

The thing is, this is exactly how I think I operate. Either I want everything, or nothing. In fact, I remember when I was a kid, I was seeing one of Ashutosh Rana‘s interviews. He said something like, “dil to ada hai zid pe bachche ki tarah, ya to chahiye mujhe sab kuch, ya kuch bhi nahi.” I dont even know how old I was at that point in time. But I remember these lines pretty distinctly. May be despite the ~~grey hair~~ bald head I am like a kid, that wants either everything that I can my hands on or I let go of everything.

I dont know if this is healthy in the long run but I know that thats how I am. That is what drives me. I want it all. Or I want nothing. And I am willing to put in effort and hardwork and brains and all that for it. I dont sort of shun away from work but I dont understand why I dont get it all. May be I need to put in more effort?

Exhibit A: sgMS! I have no clue if I have ever wanted anything as bad. No, I am not objectifying her. Yes, I am being selfish. Yes, I love her. Yes, I want to be everything that she wants her man to be and yes I am not even a one percent of her needs or wants. Yet, I want to be around her. Why would I want to be? Because like Rabbi said,

tere bin / besides you
sanu sohnia / my love
koi hor nahio labhna / i shan’t find another
jo dave / who’ll give
ruh nu sakun / peace to my soul
chukke jo nakhra mera / and indulge me” (via)

No one else gives peace to my soul. Of course I dont do shit to her and no wonder I am not with her.

In fact she alleges that my love is the stifling kinds where I dont let her breathe. I put her under the weight of my expectations and she is not at peace. Pretty messed up. No? These one-sided love affairs are pretty sad. It sucks to sort of shuffle between sleep and reality and seeing her nudging her cheeks to me, inviting me to kiss
her. Its great till you can see her, smell her and all that and moment you go to touch her, you wake up to a rude shock.

I need a break. I will take a break. I am going to go away for a bit (Delhi for a week between 12 and 23 – if you are around, lets meet). Everything in Mumbai reminds me of her and I really need a break. May be I need to move away from India altogether? Damn the escapist in me.

Moving on. To exhibit B. Steve. If you know me even a little bit, I am probably the biggest fanboy that Steve has. And I want to be like him. I dont want to be Saurabh Garg. I dont want to be the unique dude that everyone else wants to be. I want to be Steve Jobs and no one else. He is that big an inspiration. I do everything that it takes to reach his levels. I push myself hard. I push people around me harder. I try and deliver the best. I connect with him philosophically – I want the process and proceeds both to be amazing. I can continue talking about him forever but allow me to digress a bit here.

After Steve, I needed a new “muse”, a new inspiration, a new Iron Man and this is where I turned to Elon. Unlike Steve who’s work was more about pushing the boundaries and making lives easier, Elon is about pushing the boundaries and making lives better (easier vs better). And while I read about what all he does, I often get drifted towards the concept of time and life and space and death and all that. I realise that we are so small, so tiny in large scheme of things. Whatever you may do, will come to an end and you cant do anything about it.

The entire thought makes me sick in the gut. At times I am scared. And I cant even sleep in night. At 33, this is a pretty stupid thing to admit.

More than fearing death, I think I am afraid of the concept of unknown. Everything that makes me – my thoughts, my memories, my longing for sgMS, my dreams, my aspirations, my personality, my friends et al, what would happen to those once I am dead? And if I am going to be dead in the long run, what is the damn point of this life then? Why not end it right now and avoid unnecessary heartburns and other such troubles that I give to people close to me? Case in point sgMS. The days I get to meet her, the days she talks properly to me, the days when I get god vibes from her, those days I am happy like hell. May be I need another session of Vipassana where they try and teach you that there is no you.

Death in fact has been a recurring theme in my thoughts and my dreams the last few days. The place I live at, it has a board that announces death of every person that resides in the building; and every other day I see yet another name marked on it and a place where that person would be put to rest. Creepy in so many ways. Then over the weekend, I read Reacher 20 and it was about people wanting to commit suicides. Yesterday, a colleague asked me to make my will. Last night, I was craving for sgMS while she was getting drunk and I did not know what to do find sleep. I turned to Quora and the first thread that it showed me was about how a happy, healthy young guy committed suicide without giving any sort of warning to his family and the family hasnt had a closure about the reason why he killed himself. And then in the morning today, I woke up to my maid howling about someone who’s killed himself back home. Pretty fucked up man.

I dont know what to make out from all these recent things. From real life to dreams to fiction, I see it everywhere. If by any chance I were to die tomorrow and this is my last blogpost and this holds and legal merit, here is my latest will…

I dont have any debts. In fact I am to take some money from some people.
All my movable, immovable assets must be given to my parents and my sis equally. My bike goes to Vivek. Everything else to be given to people who may need those.
All my digital data (computers, hard disks, blogs, social media accounts et al) to be wiped. I dont know how would you do it. But I trust Vivek to get it done.
My dead body must be reused (parts given to those in need and whatever is left to be given to medical science for research).
Proceeds from my book, if any, to go to M. Gawri.
sgMS, I love you. Loved you till I died.

Fuck, its so funny. I could sum up everything in my life in 6 bullet points. 6 bullet points. And these 6 points have made me realize that things we take so seriously are so so insignificant.

Anyhow, I am sick in the gut and I dont know what else to write. Lemme move on.

Wait. I am not suicidal (just in case you happen to read this and care enough to call and reason and all that). Just that there is just too long a string of coincidences. This too shall pass.

So, if I were the spiritual kinds, I would say that I am inviting death
– afterall the thoughts manifest into actions and all that. In fact
universe has been throwing death at me. But deep down inside I dont want it anywhere close to where I am. There are indeed so many miles to go before I sleep. And some of those miles with sgMS if not all. Here is a song for her…

I just want to see you, when you’re all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can’t escape
I love you ’till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You don’t want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Oh why don’t you just take me
Where I’ve never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you ’till the end
I love you ’till the end

I just want to be there
When we’re caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh, not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on it’s cloak
I’m lost for words, don’t tell me
‘Cause all I can say
I love you ’till the end

All I can say
I love you ’till the end (via)

That’s it for the time being.

Onwards to the rest of the day (Dharma) and a lunch with a friend. And then, may be, some work (Artha). And then, may be poker (Kama). As, they say in Purushartha, life is about Dharma, Artha, Kama and Moksha.

P.S.: The way I’ve moved on from Steve (did I move on?), may be someday, I will move on. Inshallah some day I will come out of it. Some day I will find someone that accepts the way I am.

P.P.S.: Talk of digression. From Bukowski to Steve to Elon to sgMS to Life to Death to I dont know what all. Verbal Diarrhea. But the fact of the matter is, I feel good once I have poured out shit in my head on a blog. I just wish there was someone who I could talk to – about things that I write here. And about things that I cant write here.

P.P.P.S.: #note2Self: Read more about Purushartha.

Jan 2016 – Recap

Today’s 3rd Feb. I should’ve written this 4 days ago. But better late than never.

So the first month of what will be the most amazing year of my life is already over. And it went by so fast, so fast that I have no clue where it went. Yes, I did some work and I traveled to a few places for work, meetings (Sidenote: Must write about the kind of travel I do – for work – which may not be too instagram friendly) and other such trivial pursuits in the larger scheme of things.

Over the last one month, I’ve had some hits and some loses. Let me list those.

Hits

I have finally come to accept that I can ~~live~~ survive in Bandra. Though I spend very less time there, I am ok with it. Its a mistake that I dont want to repeat once the lease comes up for renewal, in September. Also, next time I will be wiser with my house hunt.
I wrote 14 posts in January. Which is amazing. Because each post took time to think, write, edit and publish. If not more than 14 hours atleast. I am back to serious writing and its now a matter of time when #book2 happens. I am so late on it that its not funny.
I am now clear that in this year I will focus on three things – events business, brand / digital strategy business and startups. Well, ‘focus” on “three things” sounds stupid but if you know me, you will know that I’ve cut the list from 30000 things to 3. Which is an achievement.

Loses

Did not make 10 lakhs in the month. Adds to the pressure of making 1 cr in 2016. But I did add a new client that hopefully will give me additional 20% income for at least the next 6 months. At this rate, need to add 20 more clients to be able to reach 10 lakhs a mo figure. And that wont happen without a team! So, I will probably try and get one.
Tried getting over sgMS but could not. This is probably the longest running struggle of my life, apart from trying to lose weight. I have tried multiple times but I cant seem to find a solution. The only two things left to try are, a, substance abuse and b, going far far away from here. The physical proximity (she’s in Mumbai and her place is like less than 10 KMs away) keeps the hope afloat I guess.
Met Prof Dhruv Nath yesterday and he reinforced what Raj and others have been telling me – that I am a great employee but I will suck as an employer / founder. Funny thing is that apart from me, everyone can see it. And I can either try to ignore what the world is saying. Or leverage on things. I will think more on this.

Thats it. I cant think of anything else. Come to think of it, life is so insignificant. Oh, I have been wondering of that as well over the last few days. I have sort of deep-dived into the life of Elon Musk (this article is a great place to start) and he’s making me think on things like life, time, intelligent life, “forever” and so on and so forth. I dont know where I stand on Fermi Paradox or I dont know what impact I am going to have on the world but my belief is now reinforced that our time is limited and we often spend that stupid time on chasing frivolous things that may not really matter. Of course nothing really matters in the long run and everyone, everything has an expiry date. You may even ask what is the damn purpose of living if things dont matter. May be you live for people around you? May be you live for yourself? May be you dont know why you want to live. May be you want to help others. There are just too many may bes. But I do know that some things keep me going – this blog and the thoughts of #sgMS. And the pursuit of enough money that allows me to not be at the mercy of work that I may not want to do.

Also, I realised that I use “that’s it” and “so” a lot while writing. May be need to eliminate it?

Also, someone told me that I write as if I am thinking while typing. I dont go back and edit. I concur. I love to see my words spewed on

Going forward, I am planning to take 7-10 days off in February and not do anything and think and sleep and all that. If all goes well, I will be gone from 15th to the 28th (when I goto Goa to play a poker tournament). While I am there, I want to create a model to evaluate if I am doing any better. Some questions that I could ask are…

So what has changed over the last time I “evaluated” myself?
What has helped me?
Where do I want to be at the end of the year?
How am I doing compared to same time last year?

That’s it. Hope I write these every month.

Like always, if you read this and you have something to add, please do share!

Like a rolling stone…

I have this maniacal flip flop switch in my head. It gets triggered at odd hours that I cant seem to control. I could be in the middle of a gathering of some of my people and boom! it goes and I am lost for words. I want to get away from everyone and everything. At other times, I am dumped in one of the million miseries that shroud me and click it goes and I am happy. For no reason.

And this happens very often. There is no set pattern per se but it does happen. And unlike other miseries, it does not come with a warning. If there were warnings, I could be prepared. But no, there are no warnings.

I dont know if this is a known disorder but the pseudo-smart dude in me has deduced that I am probably suffering from a mild form of bipolar disease. I have spoken about it on this blog at least twice (one, two) in the past. A quick glance at the two posts tell me that nothing has changed. I am little better in terms of where I am going with life. But I am still not anywhere close to any source of eternal happiness.

So this flip flop switch remains a mystery to me. And because I have this desperate need for closure, I have to find an answer to it. I have tried everything short of getting professional help – I may do so if things continue to go like this. I have infact made a list of questions that I have about this. A not so comprehensive list would be…

Am I the only to have these demons in my head?
Is there an end? Will I ever reach a state of bliss? Or I will have to succumb to alcohol, substance abuse and all that?
How do I fix it? Do I need to find a job? Do I need to get married? Do I need an adventure? What the fuck do I need?

Any answers anyone? No? Well, Thank you!

Apart from this list, I have also told myself to start taking notes. For two things – the triggers for the switch and when / how of things that help me come out of it. Because once I know these two, I can get little more rational and predictable and genteel in my demeanor.

So, what causes it? There are no specific answers but the likely suspects are…

The times when I wish sgMS was next to me. At a gathering of friends, at a new place that I travel to, when I do something big and other things that ought to be shared with someone special. And there is no one as special as she.
The times when I get rubbed the wrong way by people. This could be colleagues at work (I cant digest incompetence), strangers (talking to me rudely without a reason), friends and family (for no reason) et al. Of course in all the cases, I have to be at fault (I am the I am not ok, you are ok type). I have just too many things that limit me. I may need to get out of it. In fact, a friend says, that as a poor man, you can not be eccentric. Unless you are Roark.
Incessant work meetings that dont have an end or a destination in sight. Agreed my entire life is like a meandering deer in an infinite pasture and a paper boat drifting aimlessly in a downward stream. But I dont understand how people who have worked for ages at fancy places with great people could be do indecisive. It sucks to see such incompetence running large companies. If ~~they~~ Elon could find a way to automate the decision making and take the onus off people, life would be so so much better. BTW, there is this entire debate about efficacy of mechanical, artificially intelligent decision making vs human judgement (judgement based on available data, experience and gut). I tend to lean on the human side but we ought to work towards making AI engines smarter. Ok, I digressed.
Inability to get things done. My work requires me to talk to a lot of people and I have lately realized that I suck at getting things done from other people. In the words of @Jason, I am Bob Dylan, not Rolling Stones. So, it could be my inability to get work done from people? Or my inability to understand their inability to comprehend simple things and do things? Arrghhh… am ranting!

Cutting short the list. There are many more reasons but these were the things from the top of my head.

And how do I come out of it?

Often a session of music (by Lucky Ali, Rabbi, Dylan) helps – I love to drown the outside voice by blaring loud music in my ears.
Other times a drive helps. But then my partner in crime is sort of moving up in life, I dont get to go on drives as much. May be if I could afford a car, I could go more often?
Writing helps. But I dont get into the flow most times when I am sad. Sometime I do. Like when I started writing this post, I was sad (even though there is no reason for being sad) and somehow as I write this, I can see the shroud lifting. Inshallah it does. I shall report at the end of the post if I am back to the normal self.
It often helps if I eat something nice (classic symptom of depression).
I try my hand at mindless work (like aligning objects on the latest powerpoint deck that I am working on) and it often helps. But I dont really have a lot of powerpoints to work on on most days.

I cant think of more. And like the triggers, this list of antidotes is also from the top of my head. I probably need to list more such things. May be I will keep a track of things on my Evernote or something?

Good idea! It sounds like a plan and I shall take notes and report next time something changes substantially. Over n out.

Oh, one more thing. While I was ranting, the answer dawned on to me. From the philosopher and guide, Rabbi Shergill. He says and I quote..

jaddon na kujh agge disse
tahiyon bandaa vekhe picche

Translates into, when you cant see whats up ahead, you tend to look back. So may be, just may be, my problem is that I look back too often? May be I need to have something to look up to?

What do you guys look up to?

P.S.: I think I am far better than what I was when I started writing this. So, thumbs up!

P.P.S.: I have captured things that fuck up my mood. I need to capture things that elevate it as well.

Untitled – 2016/01

While I was walking back from a station today, I realised something really cool. That now that I am doing ok work-wise and money-wise and I may claim to be a little more stable now, rather than craving for more work, more money, more this or more that, I’ve been missing #sgMS a lot lately.

Ordinarily when you have work and you are busy, you tend to not have time for things like love. Compared to last year. I did not have too many things on my plate and yet I was ok without her.

Also, I’ve always been told that once you make your first lakh, you want to make 10 lakhs. And then you want to make 1-crore and then 10 crores and so on and so forth. I have been lucky to have made my first lakh (in savings), and yet I dont have the carrot of 10 hanging in front of me. Of course my ambition is to reach 1 crore in this year and I am committed to it, the first lakh did not make me stare at the 10-lakh number.

Coming back, so why do I crave for her?

May be because, because of all the work, I dont have time to engage in any useless fluff that takes up a lot of time (things like checking FB updates like a maniac, engaging the trolls, stalking the intelligent ones, pimping my book etc.). And thus I am focused on stuff that matter. Work. Her.

May be because, because of all the work, I am spending a lot of time in transit – so there are more rickshaws rides, trains (yes Mumbai local), taxis (not Ubers) and all that. And since I cant work in transit, or read, or do anything productive, I am drifted to her.

May be because I am older and wiser and I know what I want and what I dont? Like Steve says, the dots connect when you look back?

May be deep down, I somehow know that I can provide for her and I thus want to be with her? After all the biggest crib I have had with life all these years is that I was poor and she was not so poor. Not that I am now an equal, just that I am little more comfortable.

May be I am old and know that I have to settle down? (PS this is a change in stand. From a time when I was not willing to listen to even an argument about wedding, now I want her around. For good.

Anyhow, the point of the post is not her. Really. The point is, I realized today that while I am ambitious, I am not greedy. When I become big, I will not become an asshole. When I’ve made my first crore, I will chase more but I will not be motivated by the next milestone of 10 crores. I will chase more work and grow more and I will give back more (I have two interesting things lined up for this – will talk about them soon).

So, yeah. Thats about it. Of course this is a first-world problem and I am very lucky to have it. Hope the problem continues!

P.S.: Too much information?

Monthly Report – May 2014

The fifth month of the year is gone. Here is the update.

Here are the thing that I did in this month

#tnks was accepted by Grapevine. This means that I will be a published author in a few months. Yay!
Had a net black month with poker. Hope to continue the run in June.
Still jobless. Like I was in May. And the months before that. I am looking for a naukri that gives me some money and some time. If you know of places that want to hire someone with 8 years of work-ex post MBA, please let me know. Some of my details are on my linkedin profile. I did interview at a few places and I now know how it feels to be on the asking side.
Launched onWriting.in. I dont know where would it end but I like what I’ve done with it. People have already said that its helpful for struggling writers. So a minor victory there!

In June of 2014, these are the things that are on the cards

I am traveling for almost 10 days in June. So I have like 20 days. In these 20 days, two key things would be onWriting.in and tnks’ edit.
If I get time, I want to do things for Feb, Mar, Apr (~~sell~~ giveaway sgElectra, work on Cpt Obv, ISIN and next plot)
Clear Evernote.
#poker. See all of grisped on youtube.
#36to30. I am done with Yoga. I would restart once I find a naukri. Meanwhile, I am trying to walk 10000 steps everyday. I post my progress here.

Thats about it from the month of May. All in all a good month. Hope more such months happen.

Over to you June.

Previous updates: Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr.

Monthly Report – Apr 2014

The fourth month of the year is gone. Here is the update.

Here are the thing that I did in this month

Finished the second draft of The Nidhi Kapoor Story. Met with a publisher friend. Spoke to a few designers. With each passing day, #tnks now looks like a reality. Aiming to bring it to life by Jul or Aug of this year.
Had a net negative month with poker. Need to get back to black in May.
Still jobless. But I know a vague direction that I need to take. The naukri should give me some money and some time because I want to try and write another book in this year. Please let me know if you know of places that want to hire someone with 8 years of work-ex, post MBA. I have a fairly decent linkedin profile.

So moving on, Report on things I had planned for Apr.

I had quite a few things. Did none of those. Last four months, month after month I have failed to do most things that I had planned. Why? Because I am lazy? Or because I am trying to eat more than I can chew? Will think about it over the next month and plan accordingly.

In May of 2014, these are the things that are on the cards

Things for Feb, Mar, Apr (sell sgElectra, work on Cpt Obv, ISIN and next plot)
Clear Evernote.
#poker. Get yet another good month with poker. Like I mentioned, a good month is when I do not lose. This is probably going to be an ongoing goal.
#poker. See all of grisped on youtube.
#36to30. Take yoga as a challenge. Try and do asanas with more poise and tougher intensity. I would take it up as a challenge. I wrote about it here. Remember the tread mill that Will Smith talks about?

Thats about it from the month of Apr. Over to you May.

Previous updates: Jan, Feb, Mar