#openLetters – Page 2

Thank You Starbucks

Dear Starbucks India,

Thank you so much.

Why? There is a long backstory that you would have to know of, before I can come to the reasons for this longish letter.

The Backstory.
I am a struggling writer and I spend a lot of time working out of third places (you know, not office, not home). Third places are coffee shops, hotel lobbies, office receptions and other such open places. When I say I work out of third places, I mean I am on my laptop and I try and write. I try. And I write. What I write may or may not be good but I write.

All these third places offer me a few things that are essential for working out of those places. Enough space for me to sit comfortably, a power socket, a table, a chair and unlimited supply of water. I have given away a fortune to all these third places trying to find my comfort place. And despite all the attempts, I have never been able to find the right combination. Combination of space, seating, options to eat, hospitality and prices.
You know, I have been to almost all coffee retailing brands. From a Café Coffee Day to Barista to Gloria Jeans to Costa and all ten thousand other such businesses. Each of them is same, is about relationships, chilling out, friendship and all these “addy” things. Each of them is a brilliant business with proven business models but to me, they are in the business of retailing expensive food and beverages, under the garb of third places. Nothing wrong with it. Everyone is here to make money.

At each of these third places, everytime I have spent more than an hour, I have almost always got glances from the staff. If I don’t order enough to keep cash registers ringing, I have had staff coming to me and asking me for orders that I don’t want to make. You know, I am a cheapstake. But then like Pavlov’s dog I got trained to look for signs of displeasure of the staff at these places and make a move right before they would put me in an uncomfortable position. At times the move is good, I need a break after working for an hour. But most times these breaks, break the flow. Flow if you know, is hard to get.

Ok, enough of rant. I can go on about problems with coffee shops.

Starbucks at Arrival area, Mumbai Domestic Airport

Fast forward, Hello Starbucks!
I studied business management and was taught of a lot of case studies on interesting businesses created by passionate entrepreneurs. I heard about Starbucks in a marketing class. And then I read Schulz’ book. And I have been a fan ever since. Since Starbucks was not in India those days, I could at best remain a fan on paper.

I remember the first time I went abroad in 2008 (or was it 2007?), I went to Paris. It was a memorable trip and I was excited about flying abroad for the first time. And I wanted to goto just three places in Paris. Not the Eiffel, not the Louvre, not the Moulin Rogue. But Ikea, Disneyland and, you guessed it, Starbucks.
And I did. This was a Starbucks in Louvre, if I am not wrong. Its been some time so details are little sketchy but I remember getting a picture clicked outside the Starbucks. The coffee was too expensive for me and I wasn’t paid any money to spend while I was there. So I did not buy anything from but like I said, I did get a picture.

And since then, everytime I have travelled abroad, I have tried to go see your stores. From small ones to big ones. And like any business that has operations on this scale, I have encountered the good, the bad and the ugly.

And then one fine day we hear that Starbucks is coming to India.

And media latched it up like crazy for some reason. Did you put a lot of money in PR? You did not have to spend any money on marketing – people queued up outside your first store for hours to get in and buy a coffee. It’s a coffee afterall. Right? You can not make It that great that people queue up? But then people in Mumbai have always queued up for everything and I left it at that.

Till the time I hadn’t visited a store, I dismissed you guys as yet another American brand coming to India and selling their over expensive merchandise to us. I did not goto a Starbucks for quite some time. And then, on insistence of a friend, I went to Elphinestone store one late night after dinner. And I was surprised, no, I was shocked to see the store. It looked like the coffee shop that I have always dreamt of opening. It was a brilliant mix between Indian and American ethos. Loved every bit about it. There was a lot of detailing in that store. More detailing than a girl probably puts in her makeups for her wedding in India. In fact that store on list of one of the top ten places to visit in Mumbai. The other nine, let me write a post about that.

And since a visit to that store, I have been to a few stores in Mumbai and Delhi. And each of your café has a distinct personality and yet they are part of Starbucks, the business. You guys even made the colour Green cool for me.

By this time you must be wondering, why the letter! Let me come to it.

Why this letter?
So, after all the stories, here is the real reason for this letter.

You guys are the only establishment that made me feel invited, like we Indians welcome a guest at home. And not treat me like a customer at a shop.

When guests visit me at my home, I don’t call them customers, I don’t call them Sirs or Ma’ams. I call them by their first names. So do you. You are probably the only business (in hospitality industry and otherwise) that has addressed me by my first name.

When my guests come see me, I don’t ask them to leave if they have no more conversations left. You do not ask me to leave if I do not order a beverage or a snack.

I am accommodating for guests at home. So are you.

I am very friendly, to the extent of getting obnoxious. So are you.

And thus the letter.

Thank you for inviting me like a guest, treating me like a friend and taking care of me like your boyfriend (or girlfriend if you will). Thank you for not overtly selling coffee. Thank you for great work on the business. Thank you for giving me a lesson in brand and business management. Thank you for your patience. Thank you, most importantly, for the way you serve me water. In a glass, with a lid and a straw. Love sipping water like that. You made water sexy for me.

Thank you once again.

As you expand to more locations in India, hope you can continue the great work. I cannot really afford a lot of your beverages all the time but I can definitely make my gratitude more evident. This letter, is one such way to show my gratitude. Hope I can think of more. Till then, thanks a ton!

Sincerely,
A fan

And a disclaimer
And for anyone else that may be reading this, I am NOT a coffee fan. I do not even drink coffee. Coffee constipates my system. I order iced teas when I am at coffee shops.

And Starbucks is NOT paying me to write this, neither do I expect something from them. They are merely giving me a place where I can sit and work. I did order a Black Tea Ice Tea but I paid for it myself.

And Starbucks, thank you guys, yet another time.

RIP dear sgMS

If you know me personally, you would be aware of my stupid obsession with a certain individual, sgMS. A couple of you know who she is and what she ~~means~~ meant to me. For others, she has existed only as a name in my blogposts and tweets. For the uninitiated, she for me is like that long cherished dream that may not be coming true for me.

Here is a piece of news for everyone, including I. Starting today, I shall no longer ~~crave for~~ talk about her and move on. Atleast try to.

It’s a sad sad thing to do and I am not really happy about it but like they say, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. To be honest, I have often wished that her and my story ends like that of Anna and William but I am assured she is not staying indefinitely. Here is a clip, in the meanwhile to divert attention.

More than retiring her to inaccessible corners of my memory, I want to apologize as well for my behaviour over the last few years. I am sincerely sorry for being so blind and irrational. I have made enough sacrifices, including losing a few really good friends, because I wanted to be with sgMS. And no, I don’t have any regrets. It was amazing while it lasted. Just that I think I was harsh on friends and other around me.

Now that I am moving on, I suddenly miss all those old times. Such is life. Cant help
it, can we? There were times when I thought she and I were meant to happen. Even the stars were aligned. Talking about stars, I believe know that I am God’s favorite child. Wait a minute. I don’t really believe in existence of God but I do believe in some sort of higher power that watches us all and makes things happen. The power that would have made the chemical elements play with each other to crate mixtures and compounds. The power that made us humans possible, the power that makes the sun rise in the easy, day after day. The power that gives me the power to breathe and sustain. Sad, that that all powerful power could not help me. If ChitraGupta, God’s accountant, really exists, when I meet him, I would ask from him why I dint get to be with sgMS.

I sincerely hope that there are better things in store for her. And for me. I look forward to what’s gonna come up in next few years. This for the record is the last post about sgMS. After this, I shall retire her to oblivion. If someday in future, I get around to writing my biography, I may talk about her in detail but for the time being, RIP dear sgMS.

Since this is my new life, thanks to “reset” button that Mayan’s pressed and this tweet made me aware of, I shall make the most of it. Starting with burying the remains and moving on.

In few words, to sum it all, it was awesome while it lasted. And I am so sorry to have become what I was. I shall try and fix things.

Dear BJP and other political parties

Dear BJP and other such “political” parties,

I heard that you guys had called for a countrywide bandh today. From what I know and understand, a bandh, ideally is a peaceful activity wherein people and businesses supporting the activity, show their allegiance by not working.

Today however was something else. More than businesses shutting shop by their own accord, it was the hired goons and muscles that forced people to down shutters. The ones who protested were bashed up! There were reports of violence in many parts of the country and the public infrastructure was damaged in at least three states.

You guys must be really proud of what you cooked up. I am sure all of you will sleep peacefully, probably as calmly as as child, tonight. You would have loved every second of the 15 minutes of fame that you enjoyed today, at the cost of us Indians.

And why would you summon for a bandh in the first place? You wanted to bring things to notice? There are other ways to do it. Lets start with logic and reason. Who stopped you from doing a large campaign on the national media (the kind you do when you are fighting elections) and trying to make people understand why is that fuel prices are going up the spiral? You could have posted intelligent questions in the Assembly and hold the leaders responsible?

Agreed that inflation is getting out of control. I understand that the petrol prices are going through the roof. I know that its getting increasingly difficult for a common man to live a happy and content life in India. But does that mean we make it even more difficult for people!

Dear BJP and the brains at the helm, a bandh is as anti-progress as anything else could be. If we were to strike about everything, we would not have reached where we are. The prehistoric man, could have decided to strike against the animals of the jungle. And we wont have had a civilization. Gandhi could have sat at home against the British and we wouldn’t have had a free India. Stop looking that far back in the history. If businessmen like Tatas and Ambanis decided to call for a bandh every other day for stupid reasons, they wouldn’t have had those empires that they have. You know, a man’s destiny is not really “written” by some God. Its the man’s actions that actually help him create that destiny. While you were forcing the bandh around the country, there were a few men and women who were still working and trying to make this country a far better place to live in. Hats off to them and salute to their spirit.

You know, with time, typically, political parties grow in stature and they command respect. Their actions earn respect for them. This move has undone a lot of all the hard work you guys may have had done in past few years. I was not really sure if I wanted to get involved with politics but you guys have made my resolve much stronger. Hopefully I would live to see a day where political propaganda like this would not be encouraged by people.

Till then,

A proud Indian.

Dear Sonam A Kapoor

Dear Sonam,

I saw this movie called Players (which IMHO is a really bad rip off of the awesome Italian Job) last night. Not that I wanted to see but I could not find the TV remote and I had to see something that helped me sleep. After I saw the movie, I have a few questions to ask you. And after all the questions, like a true Indian, have some opinion. I sincerely hope you give me a patient hearing and look at the merits of my arguments before you dismiss them as being blasphemous.

Also, before I launch into the rant, I would like to make clear that I really really like you and I may even have a crush on you. I think the crush has been since Subhash Ghai made that Pyar Ki Ganga Bahe with all the film star and their kids.

Apart from the crush, I pin a lot of hopes on you. Not everyone is lucky to get a platform like you have and it would suck if you waste that platform and end up like Paris Hilton (BTW Paris is an achiever in her own way, she is after all named after Paris. And her last name is Hilton). I dont go about writing these letters to everyone. But you, Ms Kapoor, have the potential. You just need to realize it and get your act straight.

Without further ado, here are the questions that I had promised I would ask.

When you sign a film, don’t you read the script? You are not a kid anymore that someone lures you with a candy. Wait, no, a pony in your case. After all you are a famous kid of a rich dad. So, while signing Players, dint you realize that it was a really bad ripoff of The Italian Job? To the extent of three Mini Coopers loaded with weight, daughter of the dead father etc. Even the make up of the villain was inspired by the original! Do you think it does justice to your reputation when you work in films like this? Don’t they judge people by the company they keep and the work they do? Long after your not young anymore, wont people remember you for films that you did? When you are a mom, wont you want to tell you kids about the amazing job you did in some movie? Doesn’t Mr. Kapoor talk to about Ram Lakhan? Lamhe? Tezaab? Mr. India? And all those amazing movies he’s done?
Reputation. This is connected to the first one. I have a background in communications and I have learnt and seen that reputation is everything. Especially for people like you. So while you endorse a brand, or sign a movie, dont you think (assuming you can – you look like someone who can) if endorsing that brand or featuring in that film would add something to your reputation? And can your exiting reputations give wings to that brand/film? Look at Vidya Balan for example. Shes on this trip of female centric roles. I dont give two hoots about her but shes thinking about the legacy she leaves behind. Sonam, people in show biz, they have a responsibility. Of course they must enjoy life and riches and goto parties on yachts parked on the French riviera but you guys have a responsibility. The responsibility to do good work and entertain audiences. And no, audiences do not get entertained when you merely flash a smile at the camera at some page 3 party where you vouch your support for PETA.
This may be the most personal of all questions, but dont you think you need to take dancing and acting classes? You know, I am all for learning by experimentation and stumbling and failing and then getting back. But then the basics please? I mean acting is not just about looking good. You look gorgeous. There is no doubt about it. But acting?

Thats about it I guess. I have many more but I know that you are busy and short on time and you wont have patience to read and answer the other trivial questions.

Coming to opinions. Again, please do not mind. I am a mere well wisher and there are no ulterior motives here. Like I said earlier, you have an amazing platform that you can use to leave a mark. And these are only meant to nudge you on the path.

How about stopping to act? I mean not that you’ve had great success with it. Your time, which anyways is limited, can be invested in other pursuits and trust me you would do far better at them. I dont know you personally but from whatever I read, if you could do something about fashion in India, you would rock. So how about creating a business around bringing new brands to India? India’s growing by leaps, people have the money to spend. Its a perfect opportunity for you! I mean look at Rhea Kapoor. She is putting her effort in producing movies. Totally worth the time she spends. +1 to her!
How about firing your manager? No no, not the time keeper that schedules your appointment etc but the manager who looks after your reputation. The guy who leaks stories to press and gets you endorsements from brands? The guy who should be thinking on your behalf and counseling you. The guy who should be getting the scripts tweaked to get you a more plush role. That guy who should be chasing brands to get them to invite you to endorse their brands. The guy who is responsible for brand Sonam Kapoor in the long run!
How about stop working for money? You have enough. Enough that you can afford all the luxuries you may want and get invited to all the parties you want to. If you stop working for money and stop doing stupid films, appearances and endorsements for money, you can choose to do the kind of work that would make you happy. And more importantly, make your fans (like me) happy. The work could then spawn across industries – entertainment, fashion, travel, philanthropy, the options are limitless Sonam.

And thats it. There is more but then I think these are enough for the time being. If you are serious about a long term impact, I am sure you would consider these. Hope you dont get offended. I am being repetitive but I have high hopes from you and it really sucks to see you waste your time on things like Players. And time Sonam, is the biggest limiting factor of our lives. Sooner you realize, better it is.

That’s about it! Thanks so much for reading this. Hope it helps.
A fan!

Dear Rich Housewives

Dear Rich Housewives,

On behalf of all the drivers that drive you around the town, the restaurants that host your kitty parties, the high street malls that you frequent to buy groceries, the maids that to help you with cooking, cleaning etc, the beauty parlors where you paste tons of creams and powders on your faces and millions of such micro-economies that you help flourish by your mere existence, including the one I am a part of, a BIG THANK YOU! Thank you so much for your patronage. We have no clue what would we do without you guys. You actually provide for food and shelter for me and my family.

Thank you so very much!

Regards,
SG

And now that letter is over, lemme come to the reason for this letter. But before other things, let me describe you. A typical rich housewife. For the ease of readability, lemme use bullet points.

A typical rich housewife is in her early thirties (because the number that us minions call age, stops increasing for rich housewives after they are 35), has her personal ~~driver~~ chauffeur to ferry her around the beauty parlors, malls, kitty parties and other social gathering that attracts her kinds.
She has a very active social circle of friends, neighbors, few almost page 3 celebrities, people who own fancy restaurants and parlours and the likes.
And of course ~~relatives~~ in-laws that she loves to hate.
The creature called husband is a fast rising star in some large multinational and thus only meets her on Sunday morning brunches at famous five star hotels.
Sex is strictly twice a week, lasting for all of five minutes on each occasion. Not necessarily with the creature that we spoke about two seconds back. Variety, you see, ensures that there’s “spice” in life.
Money needless to say, is not a problem. She holds a credit card with an insane credit limit. Thanks to all the hard work that the husband puts in at work.

But you may ask that most women, in Delhi atleast, have at least two things from the list I spoke about above. How are you to spot the real rich housewife? Here’s a checklist…

She would be wearing thick framed sunglasses. Even when she is inside a mall. And even if its night. I suspect they dont remove the sunglasses even in the movie halls but I am not too sure. I havent had any rendezvous with any so far.
She can be found body hugging wearing track pants in all sorts of “interesting” colors like powder pink, baby pink, parrot green, turquoise, blood red and shimmering black. Shimmering is the keyword here.
When she sits in her chauffeur driven cars, she would sit right behind the chauffeur. Men and other mortals sit diagonally behind the chauffeur. But not her. Her throne is right behind the driver. I dont know why. I wish I could know.
She would have a really badly dressed maid in traditional Indian clothes, trialing her. The maid’s hands would be full of large shopping bags. On lat count, she had paper bags from a million and a half trees.

Enough. Now I have to come to the real reason of this letter/post. Its about a friend. She just got married to a guy who is a typical rich housewives’ husband. And she is kinda lost about her purpose in life. She thinks that since she is no longer a girl now and married to a dude, she is now worthless and does not deserve to live etc.

The letter is strictly to give her affirmation her that she is not worthless. She must know that she is as important to our lives as Mamta Didi or BehenJi Mayawati are. She provides livelihood and entertainment to so many people. She is better than those godmen. I mean a typical rich housewife directly employees at least 12 people and indirectly supports 60 mouths. She should be damn proud of her existence. And I am not even talking about all the pseudo
businesses that she runs (just to enter the “me too” list). If I included that, I wouldn’t be surprised if 80% of India’s GDP is somehow touched by the rich housewife!

xxx, just take care of yourself. You are really important. I mean it.

P.S.: I sincerely apologize if I may have hurt any feelings.
And obviously, any similarity with anyone living or dead, is purely
coincidental.

Dear Sudhanshu

Dear Sudhanshu,

Congratulations on the launch of your first book. I am sure this is just one of many you would end up writing. You have to. The world needs you to write and see things from your lens.

Coming to the real reason why I am writing to you. You already know I have always considered myself lucky that I have known you. There are so many things that I think are common between you and me, such as … wait, before this turns into a love letter, let me cut the flow and come straight to the point. I have known about your book since 2010 (remember that goals thingy that you made?) and to be honest I never thought you could actually finish the book. Till you told me that you have found a publisher and you proved me wrong. And that was big. More than you, I was happy for myself. It was like an affirmation to me that there’s hope. That all’s not lost! If you can do something, I can do too. And of course I have no qualms in being a follower and aping you.

Thanks to The Lost Story, Serai will now be fast tracked. I have been at it for about 29 years now and I know am not half good a writer as you are but then what the heck, I have been wanting to write this for a long time and its time I take it up seriously. You’ve given me inspiration. You’ve given me hope. You’ve shown me the way. You can even connect me with a publisher who would be willing to publish a book for me!

And ya, that’s about it. Like I said, love letters are reserved for sgMS. In the end, congrats once again for the launch and please know that you are now in the same league as that sardaar that changed me life.

Thanks,
SG

P.S.: When am I getting my autographed copy of The Lost Story? And no, this blogpost is NOT an elaborate and contrived way to get a free copy. Divin0‘s already ordered a copy for me. That too COD.

Dear sgMS

Dear sgMS,

Its been quite some time since we decided that things weren’t going to work out between us and we need to move on. Of course its far easier said than done. And like we both knew all the time, that despite you being younger by more than a year, you are far more experienced in worldly matters. And you were the man in the relationship.

From the look of things, I guess, you did work on what we decided and you have indeed moved on. At least the constant barrage of messages, emails and phone calls has ceased from your side. Not that I wanted it to stop. I really really miss them. Every time the phone rings, something in me hopes its you. Every time there is an email, I hope its yet another picture of you that you would have clicked to show me the new accessory, dress or the gift you bought/got. Every-fucking-time baby!

You know, there hasn’t been single a day when I haven’t missed holding on to your hand. When I haven’t wondered multiple times a day what would you be up to. In fact in my greatest moment of glory, when my entire world (of less than 10 people) was showering praises on me for being the best, something was amiss. Till five minutes back I dint know what it was. Now that I am writing this and thinking about you, I know it was you who I was missing. I had kept searching and searching through all the faces that I knew and it sucked to know that you weren’t there. The damned victory felt incomplete. And you know that I don’t win often and every such instance matters a lot.

You know that whatever I do, is never ever complete without your inputs. You lend me so much strength that even insurmountable tasks become easy. I become oblivious to all the hardships and obstacles. So much so I refuse to even acknowledge their presence. The X, that marks the victory target becomes so easy to spot and reach. Of course I am lazy and procrastinate all the time but with your reminders, some of which are really cute, got things done. If not sooner, then later. There was this game that I constantly played. Cook up an idea, make you privy to it and then see you make me bring that idea to life! With you not around, life ain’t as much fun.

But then things change. Time changes. People change. You and I changed. From being inseparable, we grew comfortable living in different cities. And now a time has come when we no longer talk to each other and yet we continue to live. Survive in my case.

Of course both of us are extremely social. You have always had fans, friends and followers that were spread from New York to New Delhi, Surat to Sydney and Mumbai to London. I am sure you would have found comfort in their company. In fact some of them were really cool. So much so that it made me insecure. Though I told you that your friends make me insecure, and I have never admitted to this in the past, but when we were together I hardly had any issues with anyone. You were mine, you told me you were and that was all that mattered. But now, when we aren’t together, for some strange reason I feel bad, really bad when I hear that you are meeting them. I hate it when I get to know that they send you gifts for even non-occasions. Its a right, that I thought I had reserved, for rest of our lives. But then I cant really control things. Can I?

You know, after you left, even God seems to have deserted me. Of course I have been His favorite child and things have fallen in my lap when I dint expect them to. Dint you happen to me by chance? Who could have thought you and I could be together. You, the princess. And I, the ugly frog. I still remember that kiss that changed it all. Ya, that awkward one. Always brings a smile. I cant believe I turned away from you. I know you’d hold it against me for rest of our lives! There are tons of moments like that, and I can talk about them forever.

But then, I cant really live in the past. I need to look up to what future holds for me. There are dreams that I have always had. I need to work on them and get cracking. I know it would become all the more difficult without God and your shoulder for support. But I would still chase em. Its a different story that once I do get to those milestones, I will not be celebrating them. There cant really be any celebration when some part of me is away from me.

Baby, this is one those letters that I know would not reach you and even if it did, I know, it wont make an iota of difference to you. But then its my karma to write. What it does, what effect it has, I cant really control. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. I’d do my bit and then let things take their course. I had to write this because I was missing you like hell. I try not to!

I think that’s about it for the time being.

Hope you are doing good. Hope you are as strong as I have known you to be. Hope you are happy. I know I need to move on and all that. I am trying. Trust me.

Till next time,
Always,
SG

Open Letter to 2012

Dear 2012,

Welcome! You are finally here. You took some time but you did arrive.

For some time, I actually thought you would not come at all. No, I am serious. You took forever. I mean dude you are only supposed to take as much time as it takes for a second to go around a year. Not this long. And when you are waiting for something to happen, time goes around slower. Anyways I dont know about others but I have been waiting for you very very desperately.

You know the reasons. You know everything. 2011 was supposed to be the year when I was to get rich and famous. Remember that pandit that made that prediction when I was born? And the funny name that he bestowed upon me? Thankfully better sense in my mom and dad prevailed and they named me Saurabh. Coming back, 2011 was a big dampner and things dint happen the way they were supposed to. And now, my dear friend, I am pinning my hopes on you.

You may argue that there are rumors that you would be the last year that us humans would see. I dont know how true they are but whatever may be the case, you need to be good to me. If you are the last year, I would die knowing that finally the lady luck shined on me and if you arent, at least things would continue in the future. Either ways I win. And I need to win big. You know the goals that I have set for myself. I know they are steep but there is no reason that I cant achieve them. I have already set the ball in motion. You just need to give me some momentum.

I think thats about it. And I hope you are good to me and everyone else. Thank you once again.

Regards,
SG

December is here!

Dear Brand Heads, Executive Creative Directors, Creative Directors, Account Planners, Client Servicing Managers and all the other assorted executives.

If in the fervor of all the dinners, karaoke parties, night outs, account wins and people movement, you have forgotten the impending deadline, let me take the liberty of gate crashing into the party and reminding you of the date. December is here! Hit the panic button guys and girls. After all it’s that time of the year again. The time when all of you scramble to find friends, relatives, neighbors, strangers and even mothers-in-law who own businesses. Apart from all the regular work that you do for your regular clients, the time to submit entries for the award shows is almost here. End of December!

I know most of you would be getting into serious thinking workshops. And workshops mean free tee-shirts with funny one-liners in large fonts on the front and giant logos on the back. It also means a location like Goa or Kerala for most of the creative team. And that means it’s time for those flip-flops, spaghettis (or is the noodle the flavor of the season?), cargo shorts, large sunglasses to come out of the closet. Women might want to go to the beauty parlors for their manicure and pedicures. Men may want to start with their gyms. These workshops are serious affairs after all. And so are the party sessions with free flowing booze where you get to hit on that cute art director who you never had the courage to speak to in all these months! And of course you are supposed to write a few award winning ads that could be sent to Europe, Asia and Goa for judging by your NCD and their friends.

Anyways, coming to the point, here is my offer. I am in process of launching a brand of bathing cakes. This is a product targeted at the young (at heart) and discerning Indian. Since this is a handmade product (which means it is actually made by poor village women), it is slightly expensive than the regular soaps made by the assembly lines. This also means that I am not using any chemicals or any harmful things in it. And as a direct result, the cost of manufacturing this is high. And to make some profit, I have to keep the price point a little higher than the best selling luxury bathing soap in India. So you may safely say that the positioning would be premium. Yes, you read it right. Young and Premium. Which other brand can you think of that lets you justify these two keywords this easily? After all this is a prerequisite for making a brand cult. Look at any of those cult brands. They all have had these humble beginnings. So, for this bathing cake, I need a brand name, a logo, packaging and a launch campaign.

I hereby invite all the agencies and individuals to come and present their thoughts on the product. When I say thoughts, I don’t really mean long presentations but I just want one small write up on how you plan to approach the brand. Once you have done so, I shall shortlist 6 of you and let you guys invite me to your offices so that you may present your pitch with spec shots of the campaign that you would create for me. And then, after much thought and deliberation, I shall award the business to one of you. I will do the press releases and create media bytes so that your agency is covered by all the leading websites and magazines. And you could then enter your work, for my brand, to all the award shows and books. I would of course give you a letter proclaiming that you are the godsend creative outfit that helped me launch a product in this very difficult and competitive market. Everyone would obviously know the importance of this letter. No award entry can be submitted without this letter. Clients do get their dues.

And guys, I am damn serious about this. I have this brand to launch and I am running short of ideas to do so. The investor is breathing down my neck and is after my life to do the launch. I will be an awesome client and would not bug you for meeting the deadlines. There are no mandatories and that means you have no thick brand books to read. You can create it out of thin air and I will still approve it. Trust me I am fast with approvals. I am a one man company with me being the Brand Manager, the Marketing Director, the owner of the company and the owner’s prodigal son.

You know, it’s a typical win-win situation we are looking at. You get to do a launch campaign for a brand that could potentially win you lions, pencils, stencils and all other cherished trophies. I get the identity done and get to launch the brand. And did I mention that unlike other ads that you release in December where you pay for the ad space, I don’t really mind spending on the media (in Free Press Journal at Indore, Kolkata, Jallandhar and all the other obscure places where you may want to release the creatives). This may help you sell the idea to your branch head, who, apart from the awards that his branch wins, is also concerned about the profits and targets that have been set by bosses sitting in Americas and Europe.

I have tried to give you as much information I could about the new brand that I want to launch, but if you still need more information, please send your briefing formats (if you actually have a document like that) to me and I shall revert with a brief that you can comprehend and work on.

And one last word. You need to be very fast on this. After all the competition out there is tough and you don’t want to be left behind in blind rat race to win most awards at an award show. I don’t have to extol the career boosting benefits of an award winning campaign. The CVs, they say, are forever. Finally, even if you pass on this irresistible opportunity to work on the next iconic brand from India, just a friendly reminder, December is here!

Open Letter to Ms. Vidya Balan

Dear Ms. Balan,

This letter is to being to your note your recent actions for the movie The Dirty Picture. Though its a very gutsy role and all that but if you look at yourself objectively in mirror, you would realize that you look gross (for want of a better word). Of course this is my opinion and you may ignore it. But you need to realize that fat oozing out from under skimpy clothes is NOT a turn off. In fact it may squeeze all the blood out of a man’s brain. If you know what I mean. First time I saw the photographs of your semi naked lewd pose I almost puked. Even thinking about it gives me jitters. You may consider acting in Final Destination franchise. They are on a constant lookout for things that induce slow death on viewers.

I understand that Silk Smitha might have been voluptuous and desirable back then. But like all things, times change. And they have changed for sure. We no longer live in an era where availability of soft porn is a concern. Back, may be there werent enough women who were ready to drop their clothes for pennies. All respect to her for whatever she did. I am uneducated about the matter and whatever I know about her is because of your new movie. At least that is what your movie portrays Ms. Smitha as.

I know that the business of making movies is going through a rough patch and you guys are in dire need of good ideas and concepts. If only you guys get out of the self-delusional mode and accept this, there are tons of able writers and thinkers who are willing to help you. Look at your counterparts in the west. Look at their cinema. Their movies are much more meaningful and even if when they stray of the tried and tested formula, they come up with gems like Slumdog.

I have nothing to do with Bollywood apart from being an occasional movie goes but I am hoping to make a career in the entertainment business. And as a result I become a minor stakeholder. Would request you to take a deep breath and relook at what you’ve done.

I normally dont write into actors but this time I have made an exception and I am sincerly hoping that someone from your PR team reads this and puts some sense into you.

Humbly,
An ex-fan

Blues – Delhi – Connaught Place

Dear Manager at Blues,

Yesterday, some friends and I decided to party and decided to come to Blues. Yours is one of those famous places that serves overcharged alcohol and undercooked food by calling your outlet a pub. For the record, I dont booze. But I dont mind going to these dark caves and hearing loud music.

So I walked to your concierge and asked for a place for 4. And he told me, on my face that, stags weren’t allowed. I promptly told him that my friends were running a bit late and would join in. The manager asked me, “do you have any girls?“. I could have slapped him for being rude and using a language like that but then you had those goons (aka bouncers) manning the doors. I told the dude that yes there are men and women in my group and they shall be here any moment. The dude told me “wapas jao. come back when you have girls“. Again, a moment flashed by when I saw myself slapping him. And by the way I was your place on Wednesday and no one even bothered to ask me what business I had there.

Of course you guys are a private place where you invite public and have reserved the right to admission and can deny anyone at your whims. But it would be courteous if you could give a sane explanation and your goons could talk properly.

By the way, you arent the first place to have denied me an entry. Discrimination is universal. I know that the way I look sucks. I know that I refuse to wear shoes and trim my beard. I know that your other patrons are scared to death because of the way I look. I know that they think I might just flip out a semi automatic and spray them with bullets. But let me assure you none of that is true. I am as educated as your average patron is. I can spend money. I know how to behave in a public place. I know my limits and I very rarely cross them. And when I do, its not at a public place. Especially not yours.

If ever I own a place, I would ensure that I am courteous to patrons.

Let the ambiance of the place and the kind of people you attract dissuade uninvited guests from coming in. For example, you may play rock music and it would ensure that Hindi pop lovers like me would not come in. Case in point, Hard Rock Cafe. They are brilliant and awesome. But I never enjoy going there as rock and beer is not my poison. I refuse all invitations, even when my friends are playing there. I know that I would get bored at a place like HRC.

Anyways whats done is done. I am now sitting in my comfortable office, sipping onto a Gatorade and thinking of some place to go tonight. Can you recommend some place that will not deny me entry? Not Blues please. It sucks. You know what I mean?

Next time I pass by your place and sneer at you or your staff, please know that its me.

Have a good business and life.

Regards,

Almost a patron

P.S.: I hate that I cant do shit about things, because I am NOT Anna Hazare. And I refuse to go the Hazare way. All I can do is, not give my business to you guys ans ensure that when someone asks me for a recommendation, I turn you guys down.