Category: Personal

When is enough, enough?

Today, I have a serious question that I need an answer to. And like all times when I don’t know where to go for counsel, I turn to my blog.  

The question is, when do you think you know you’ve tried enough? How long can you continue to try to make things work when you know that the other side is not reciprocating at all? When do you give up if you know that all the effort you are making will eventually go down the drain?

I don’t know how to explain the predicament that I am in without going into specifics. But I need answers and I am out of clues and I don’t know who else to ask. And thus this post. Hoping that while I talk in this echochamber, I will get an answer.

Side note. Since I discovered the joys of Roam, I have started to post more and more of these echochamber posts there. But this one, for some reason, I thought I should post here. In the pseudo-anonymous wilderness of the Internet. So, here we go. 

So I am in this situation with a project that is super dear to me. It seems to be slipping away. In the sense that I would lose the project and with it all the effort that I have put in the last 3-4 years. And all the hopes of a peachy future over the next 30-40 years.

And since this project is super dear to me (for multiple reasons – emotional, financial, egotistical, and more), I want to give it all and prevent it from failing. 

Now, of course, there are things that are beyond my control when you work in this VUCA world, and to prevent failure I probably need to do a lot more than what I am already doing. 

Which to be honest I am. 

I am doing more than I have ever done for any project. In terms of tann, mann, and dhan! I am not being myself and doing things that are uncharacteristic of me. For example, I am being polite, considerate, value-adding, tolerant, understanding, and all that. I am that desperate to make this happen! 

However despite my earnest, sincere and desperate attempts, nothing seems to be helping me get the project back on track. To a point that am this close to writing it off as a bad investment and moving on. But then, dil to bachcha hai ji and log kya kahenge and all that. 

This project was going to be my life’s work and I can see it go down the drain. Without any dramatic music playing in the background. Without any loud splashes. Like a flame that is fading away. And it is the most painful thing ever. I mean you have hopes pinned that when you die, you would sleep for the final time with the knowledge that you have added some value! 

Even thought I’ve read all the economics that an average bloke may, I want to ignore the sunk cost fallacy and not want to let go of things. I want to keep trying. And I am. And as a result, I have started to bleed from self-inflicted wounds. I mean I am probably throwing more good money behind bad. But I am. 

What sucks all the more is that I thought this was a sure shot, lifelong passive income kind of thing. It wasn’t when it started. But it was growing up into this beautiful thing that showed immense potential. And thus I gave it all I had. And more. I borrowed money for it. I lied to the world about it. I made it my priority. 

And all these in hopes of reaching a point where all the sacrifices I’ve made would start making sense and there would be some light at the end of the tunnel and all that. 

But I guess it’s not meant to be.

The question that I want an answer to is, what do you do in such a scenario? 

Do you just give up? And at least get your self-respect back and go back to being yourself and not worry about posing as someone who you are not! 

Or do you just walk away without thinking about the loss? 

Or you listen to those people that say that you need to happen to things (and not otherwise), and go happen to things and do whatever is possible to make it work?

And irrespective of my giving up or not, what lesson do I take back from this loss? 

Do I henceforth chase only those things where the outcome is certain? Or do I do things for the sake of doing without expecting on the outcome? You know, like that king Krishna spoke of about doing the karma and not worrying about rewards? 

Heck, I did not even know that I was capable of getting this emotional about things! 

I have always tried to be stoic and this rant, this post, this feeling of loss, this heartburn, the general sadness that seem to have engulfed me like the thick Delhi fog is teaching me that I am still a million miles away from being the stoic SOB! 

Damn!

This too shall pass

Hello, whoever is reading this!

Hope you are well! I am not sure I can say the same thing about me. Life’s being unkind – both at the personal front and at the professional one. Wish I could say more. But I will leave it here. And tell myself that this too shall pass. It always does. 

So, I did not write a post in the whole of July. Has to be among the longest breaks I’ve taken from writing. And has to be the longest I have been so out of action or inspiration. I mean the entire month of July passed by in a blur. Much like most of 2020. And if you know me you would know how much I hate inaction! And on top, there was tragedy upon tragedy inflicted on me. Life’s been fucking relentless! But, like I said, this too shall pass!

And even if I ignore things that happened in the month of July, I think this lockdown is getting to me. I mean I am comfortable at my house (not home), have food on my plate and enough coffee to sip on all day long. But I crave for human connection. Human contact. The physical touch. I need it desperately. To a point that I am willing to risk myself. And others around me.

When the lockdown was announced, I thought I was ok with the ideas of being alone. I’ve always been ok every time I have gone into a shell. But this time I am not.

Thing is, previously, I would have a Starbucks to go to. A mall to wander into. The humdrum of life around me to get lost into. I had the non-creepy people-watching that gave me optimism about life in general. I could feed off the energy of other people, even strangers. I’d see someone immersed in their work and I would get inspired to get immersed in mine! And while I may not be surrounded by the people that gimme comfort, people I love or others of the ilk, I would always have people around me. Yeah, I like people. Even if they are strangers. And even though I have been enamored by the idea of people that survive isolation for years (hello, Andy), thanks to the lockdown, I know I can’t survive it!

So, I have been walking around. And not that I am reaching somewhere with all this walk, but I do like the idea of movement. And I like to see whoever is out on the road. And going by what I’ve seen all of July, quite a few of those are out and about. I mean the traffic jams are almost back in Mumbai. You can no longer walk in quiet. You even have those loud Delhi cars making a guest appearance in Mumbai. The point is, I am out and about. And I am on the move. And I hope this activity takes me someplace in August.

Here’s promising to be more active. Here’s hoping for a better time ahead. Heres telling myself that this too shall pass.

SG
2 Aug 2020
Mumbai

Day 32 of the lockdown

Day 32 of the lockdown.
Day 38 otherwise.

It is after a few days that I feel human myself again.

And what is this myself? Well, someone who’s up and about early (as I write this, its 8 AM. Been up since 7 and puttering around the house, and right now I am sipping on to my coffee (with coconut oil and turmeric)). I feel that there is a lot to be done and no not in an overwhelming manner – in a good way. I am generally hopeful about life and work and all that. I know times are hard and things are tough and it will not be easy – especially for mercenaries like me. But I am hopeful. As hopeful as I have ever been in my life. Like acche din are just around the corner, even though its been almost 40 years now.

Thing is, I don’t know what’s helped me get up on the right side of the bed. This is one of those “khush hoon main aaj khamkha” days. You know when you are singing for no reason. Remember that ad from Cadburys? And while we are at it, see this post from Mar 2015. 

I am still sleeping as much. Or as less. Depends on how you look at it. I am still staying up late. I am still anxious. I am still having all the coffee that I must not have. I am not getting enough physical exercise. I am clearly not getting enough Vitamin D. Bank balance is now as negative as the amount of hair I have on my head. But I am generally being myself today.

I am sure there are things that are working below the surface – I don’t know what those are and I want to identify those. Just that I have not done anything different yesterday compared to other days. Maybe I slept really well? Yesterday, there was this breeze that cooled the room a bit (my AC has conked off and I can’t get it fixed till we open the lockdown). May be I will get used to a life where I don’t need to AC to sleep? Fuck that would be amazing. It’s always been a big big goal in my life! Let’s see.

Apart from a tad better sleep, I am not sure what has changed. And anyway I sleep well on most days. There has to be something else at play. Need to figure out what that is. Maybe it will come to me?

That’s about it I guess. 

Chalo kaam kare! Have loads to do 🙂


Previous posts in the lockdown series are – Day 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30

Hello April / Monthly Review – Feb and Mar 2020

Hi!

This is my bi-monthly (used to be once a month, but from now on, once in two months) report on what I am up to.

Before anything else, I must say, the past few days will have to be among the MOST incredible days that I have ever seen. The entire world has come to a literal stop and everyone is suffering. You know, makes me feel lucky that I have had any major incidents, accidents or anything negative like that. The closest that I came to harm is 26/11 when I was still far away in Vashi playing pool with a few friends and terrorists were pummeling parts of South Mumbai. And when I compare myself to others that have been caught in Mumbai floods, communal riots (in Mumbai in the past and now more recently in Delhi), wild accidents and all that, I think I am really really lucky! Though this one may bring me to my knees. Let’s see. 

This year has been wretched, to say the least. I think this tweet from a GMMR fan account will sum this up…

2020 was directed by me.

— George RR Martin (@GRRM) March 18, 2020

I just hope you and your loved ones are safe, cared for and in comfort. If you can read this, you are among the privileged few that have access to a house, an internet connection and most importantly, the ability to read and comprehend what I am writing.

So, coming to the review for Feb and Mar and the plan for Apr and May (lol :)). To jog your memory, when I do a review, I track progress compared to my yearly goals, life plan and goals. And for the record, three large goals for 2020 are Book 2, a sub-5-hours marathon, a topline of 50 crores. 

Here’s the recap for Feb and Mar 2020.
I have sections for fails, wins, inbetweens, lessons, plan for Feb 2020 and a question.

#fails 

  1. Did a lot of things that did help me make some connections. But none of them were going to contribute to the large goals I have. So the lessons is, I need to pick my battles well!
  2. Did nothing on the sub-5 marathon goal. I did go for long walks but that’s that. With every passing month, I am realizing that I may have to drop the health goals altogether! 
  3. I was to write 25K words on #book2, had to train to be able to climb 100 flights and had to fix the C4E website. Did none of those 🙁

#wins

  1. Attended a concert by AR Rahman. While it does not serve any professional goals per se, on a personal level, it is a dream come true to have seen him live. Plus now that I have seen the setup of his concert, it is on my wishlist to do something like that. Assuming I remain in the events business after this COVID-19. 
  2. Along with AD, I published an article on one of the most respected business magazines (it was on my todo list since 2018). Read it at podm.in/ivm.
  3. Again, along with AD, I am making progress on my first podcast. And the article I talk about above, gave me the thrust required to get the podcast ready. We call it The Founder Thesis and the first few episodes are ready! If not for COVID-19, we would’ve released those by mid-April. In case you wish to listen to those, please lemme know and I will share. 
  4. My #aPicADay has reached 95+ days! Longest I have kept up with something! 

#inBetweens (these are neither wins / nor losses)

  1. I had a little more time this time than other times. And thus I attended a few open mics, at-home concerts, live shows and so on and so forth. I was enamored by the struggle that these performing artists put in. I wish I could do something about those. Any ideas?
  2. saurabhgarg.com has finally taken shape. Phew! I pestered a friend into teaching me the basics of Elementor and I hacked together a page. A page. Not a website. But after trying with multiple tech-teams and failing at it, I can finally send people to a website! 
#miscNotes / What did I learn this month?
I will also include things that the lockdown has taught me (though I would write a longer post would happen at some point in time).
  1. The most important thing has to be the lessons in deliberate practice. Lemme call it Riyaz. I wrote about it in detail here.
  2. Since we’ve gone in lockdown, I have started a few online courses (the ones that I never had the time for). This one, about learning how to learn stands out. Please consider doing it if you have the time. 
  3. I learned that while I am ok to cook and clean and all that, it ends up wasting a LOT of time. Like 5 hours a day. And then it drains you out of the energy – physical, mental and emotional. I did these for a few days and then found a restaurant that at a steep price is willing to deliver meals to me. So that’s cool. 
  4. I actually like this lockdown. I haven’t been able to step out since this happened but because I am on my own, I am pretty much a master of my time. I would love to maintain this life where I control my time. 
#inApr20
What do I plan to do in April?
I am not sure if we would get out of the lockdown and a lot depends on that.

My key work area is events and if lockdown extends another month, the events business is almost as good as gone. And that means I would be jobless and will have to think of an alternate career. And at a time when everything around me would be bad – slow economy, joblessness, too many talented people around that are vying for the same jobs. So, I am not sure how things would play. What do you think? 

But what I can do is, control things that I can control. Things like #book2! And the 25K words that I have planned since I was like a kid in diapers! Yeah, on it. 

***
So, that’s about it for the update. As always, thank you for your time and attention.

Over and out! 
09 04 2020

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PREVIOUS UPDATES are here…
2019 – Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov, Dec
2020 – Annual Goals, Jan, Feb-Mar (this post)
Thank you for your patience. It is not an easy task to survive these long emails! 
Lemme end this with the best photo that I clicked in the last two months

#untitled – 160220. This too shall pass.

Its been a while since I wrote an untitled piece (the last one was in Nov last year). Thing is, there’s way too much going on in my head and I don’t know who to talk to and thus this post. Super ranty. Read at peril. Ignore if you can. And why am I writing? Clear my head. Archive my thoughts. Throw my intent in the universe. 

So, this is one of those days when I have a mile-long list of things to do and almost no energy to get any of those done. I mean I have all the energy of a child to move around, walk fast, talk faster, think faster than all of the above. But I don’t have the energy to open my Asana and start knocking off things from it. You know, there’s way too much work to even think about working.
Guess you know the feeling.
Or may be not.
Anyhow.
The point is, I have a lot to do and no energy. And I can’t seem to find it. I don’t know why. I get inspired by the largeness of ideas, the awesomeness of people and opportunities that are so much in abundance. And I know that I am at an amazing place and the timing is amazing and I have the will and inclination and all that. And yet, for some reason, I am poor and stuck. Stuck as in I am still a nobody. Stuck as in I still have limited capital. Stuck as in I don’t know how to break the shackles of helplessness. I feel that life is moving past and I am stuck at an obscure corner, with no ride to ride on. Ride to ride on. Lol. 
You know, FOMO!
I know I shouldn’t but I am afraid. Of missing out.
And I know its a fleeting feeling and this too shall pass.

If there is a trough, this is the deepest ever I’ve been. And while I know that this too shall pass and I will eventually come out of it, this feeling of getting stuck is not cool. And not cool is this feeling of helplessness. I don’t know what to do to get out of this.
And I am fucking up at multiple levels.
What multiple? All levels.
Everything that you use to measure your life, I am fucking up!

I want to eat healthy.
I was supposed to be on this vegan and sattvic diet – I subscribed and all despite it being an expensive idea – but I am unable to keep my hands out of large plates of food. I am eating like a dude who’s just come out of famine. May be, in my head, subconsciously, I am staring at impending starvation and thus eating all that it can lay its hands on?

I am supposed to meditate.
I try and sit down every day but I am unable to concentrate. With all the bells and whistles that I can manage (you know, an app, silent and cold room, etc). And yet, I can hardly concentrate.
This post that I am writing right now, I have this window open for more than half an hour and I have typed less than 200 words. And I have posted a photo on Instagram, opened numerous WhatsApp conversations with people that don’t really care if I have a conversation with them or not, replied to a few emails and judged these three kids at the Starbucks where I am sitting. Why Starbucks? Because I can’t seem to sit at home. I need to make a den for myself that is me. And no one else. And with the kind of money I have, it is impossible to have a den per se. A roof is a luxury. And I have just grabbed water and all that from the bar. 
All in the last 30 mins. If I could concentrate, I could change the world, you know! Remember that thing about the dude asking for a lever long enough?

I am supposed to get fitter.
I know that I need to start yoga, go for a run, climb 100 flights a day and do other such things. I am unable to do even one of those. Of course, these are merely tiny steps that I need to take to be able to reach my ultimate goal – climb the Mt. Everest and run a marathon. But I am not fucking taking those steps. I don’t know why I am unable to.

I am not being a great contributor to the community. Or my family. Or my people.
They need emotional, financial and life advice and I don’t have what it takes to give any to any. I’ve always imagined myself to be that strong pillar that allows everyone around to take shelter. Ok, shelter is not the word – support is more like it. But I see myself as a pillar that supports and enables people to climb higher. But here I am, leaning against nothing but wind!

Things are not that bad, to be honest. May be they are – since I am talking about myself, maybe I am biased?
I do know I am not doing well. Except for putting up the facade when I meet others. And they may seem very well be if you look at em from the perspective of those that look up to me (if there are any). But on the standalone, unbiased basis, they are not. I need a fucking intervention. I don’t know which one. Devine? Medical? Spiritual? Don’t know.

I am lucky to have the option to live my life in a way I would love to – I am mostly the master of my time, my office is at a walking distance from home, a tiffin service delivers food (and that ensures that I don’t have to think about what to eat), there is a maid that knows what to do. Everything is on autopilot. But I am struggling with work and I haven’t been able to crack this piece – mostly a result of my inability to generate new business. And like all similar things, it’s a vicious circle – I need money to invest so that I can generate business. And the business thus generated would throw more money at me to invest in more people, processes, and things that allow me to generate more business. You know what I am saying?

I need to create opportunities – work and otherwise and I am unable to make any headway with that. There are other business things that I am a part of that could start moving fast and give me access to work. But I am stuck because the ones that are supposed to lead those things have other priorities. Of course, I am to blame. I have entrusted my life with them and if they have other things happening, I need to move ahead. No?

Ok, Eureka!

Thing is, as I was writing this, something occurred to me. This is why I love writing – answers often dawn upon you; plus this is a great way to emulate conversations with others and I think the best when I am talking to others. 

So, what if I am merely drowning in the pool of misery that I have imposed on myself? In the sense that I can see the effects of my inability to get work (less money, stress, inability to support others, etc). But I am not seeing the cause. I have been reliant on others for far too long. What if I take things in my own hands? I become that person that drives things. That makes things happen. That pushes around? Moves the blocks till I find an answer!

Plus, if I reflect on the last few days, I’ve had a very erratic schedule – I am sleeping at odd hours, doing things that were not planned and taking way too many breaks. I can blame those on all the meetings that require me to criss-cross the city. But then those are part and parcel of life. Irrespective of the time I sleep, I can at least wake up at 5:30 every day and reach work at 6:30! How tough could it be?

Let’s do it. Starting tomorrow. Irrespective of what time I sleep tonight. Will set alarm once I have finished writing this piece. No, I am not picking my phone up unless I finish this piece. I did! I could not concentrate. 🙁 


And finally, if I try and review things that I have planned to do in a certain day, week, month, etc, I often miss those goals (which is ok – I often have stretch goals and I like the idea of impossible challenges) but I don’t even revisit the ones that I miss and I don’t lament over those. I don’t obsess over the fact that nothing is moving. If others can’t, I need to be able to move those. Even if its a pendulum motion where I go back to the center after all the hard work, I need to get things moving. I know, I know. The direction is more important than speed. But right now, I am standing still. I am not creating opportunities. I need to do that! I will have to simply work harder than I have ever worked in the past and create more opportunities. It’s ok if I am 37. I can still work hard. Like I said at the beginning of the rant, I am full of energy. Lemme put it to good use!

And with this, over and out! Thank you for listening, reading, etc, etc.

Hello February / Monthly Review – Jan 2020

February of 2020 is here! Time does fly!

This is how I spent Jan 2020. I know you may not be interested, but I like the idea of keeping the universe accountable. Plus, the review would tell me if what I did in the month is helping me reach my yearly goals (and eventually, life plan and goals). For the record, three large goals for 2020 are Book 2, a sub-5 marathon, a topline of 50 crores. 





Here’s the recap for Jan 2020.
I have sections for fails, wins, inbetweens, lessons, plan for Feb 2020 and a question.

#fails 

  1. We did not do a single meetup for the Mastermind group. I plan to fix it by pushing the existing group and creating a new mastermind group. Also, I need to think that if these keep failing (this was my third attempt), then may be I am doing something wrong? 
  2. Lost a VERY big deal that could have catapulted me in the next league. I did everything I could (saam, daam, dand, bhed and more) and yet I did not get the project. But thanks to this, I have started to maintain a list of failures (that I will look at every time I feel great). 
  3. I could not follow a schedule that I would like to. I was traveling a lot more than what I typically do for a speculative assignment that I have taken. The assignment propels my brand forward and thus is an important one. I thought about it and I realized that I am unable to manage time because I don’t have a place to work out of. 
  4. Did nothing (apart from a trek) to further the sub-5 marathon goal. 

#wins

  1. Went on a trek to Mahuli Fort. This is the first trek that I have done in years and it was tough! but I am glad I made it to the top. And more importantly, I came back! Thanks, SK for this. 
  2. Got myself a place to work out of (at a co-working space). With this, I’ve fixed #Jan20F2. Plus the place is like 500 meters from where I live and is open 24×7. I will now get into a schedule of sorts. And as I expand things, I plan to work out of this place irrespective of work, ideas, people. Unless I take up a different gig! 
  3. Launched Podium sometime in the last year (with AD) but it has started to sputter to life. The first thing that we do under that is a weekly newsletter (PLEASE SUBSCRIBE). We’ve sent three editions and response has been encouraging. Need to scale it in Feb. 
  4. I have reached 35 days on my #aPicADay challenge.
  5. I successfully implemented an indexing system for notes, thanks to DB. I am now trying to implement a color-coded life tracker (thanks, Visa). There’s this joke that my friends make – I spend more time tracking things than actually doing those! 

#inBetweens (these are neither wins / nor losses)

  1. I got invited to pitch to a project that I could’ve taken on, put on the slow burner and made some trickles once in a while. But I chose to charge a large sum for it upfront and then, nothing happened! Which is ok. I want to be paid worth my time. 
  2. I need to control my obsession with tabs on a browser window. I have like 100 tabs open at any given point in time. And the worse thing is that I don’t even know what to do with those tabs – after all, its inhuman to pay attention for that long! 
#miscNotes / What did I learn this month? 
I think I got lucky in Jan. I have three tailwinds that have helped me do better than most months…

a, I moved to a place that is a little more accessible for inter-city travel. I can now meet people in a reasonable time. Where I lived before this, I had to travel for 3 hours to even get a meeting. As a result, I was letting go of a lot of opportunities. And I was wasting time, money and energy with it.
Lesson? Always live at a hub. Even though it’s expensive and all that, the money is worth it. 
b, I got to partner with AD on Podium. The great part of working with him is that he is very numbers, insights kind of person (and I am very intuition kinds). So I am learning the other side of things. Plus he is meticulous (faaaaaaar more than me) and of course, focussed (even a Goldfish is more focussed than me). So that is helping! Plus now that I am accountable to him, I am putting in the extra effort to get things done.
The lesson here is that I work better when I have partners that push me! Need to find similar people as I go along. 
c. Within the Podium umbrella, AD and I are trying to write a journalistic piece on podcasting. And that is allowing me to meet a lot of people at the leadership levels. And that’s awesome! I need to make a process that allows me to write more pieces and thus meet more people. In fact, the thesis that I had when I started PPP and TRS is getting validated with The Podium.
Lesson? Create / own / work / whatever with a media brand! And if possible, invest more on such “media” platforms! 

#inFeb
Here are the things that I will get done in Feb 2020. Again, these need to be in sync with the yearly goals.

  • Write 25K words on book2
  • Start climbing stairs. Do 100 flights a day
  • Fix the C4E website 
Apart from these three, I will continue to try and be better every day. I will try and continue to upload a pic every day, deep dive into the Messy Middle and try to eat better. 
What am I thinking about? Alert: Rant Ahead!!!
So, apart from this regular mundane work thing, I am struggling with this idea of impact. I wrote about it initially here.

…the thing that keeps me up is that C4E and all the allied things I do are merely taking things from 1 to 1.3 or something. I am not doing anything in the 0 to 1 space. Or even 1 to 100. I am not adding any tangible, real value to the world. I am not making any dents. All I am doing is doing a different take on what others have done before me. If I were to disappear tomorrow, not one person would miss what I do. Imagine if Apple were to disappear, would you miss what they do? That! I want to do what people at Apple, Google, Facebook, Amazon, and other such places are doing. They create new things. They create a 1 from 0. They make that ding in the universe.

So, the deal is, I run C4E – an events and marketing consulting business. Now, like I said, anyone in the world can create this business. There is not one thing that I do that is irreplaceable. No, I don’t chase immortality (though I would love to not die, ever) but I do want to do meaningful work. Work and things and output that gives happiness, validation, comfort, peace, inspiration, platforms and other such things to a billion people. And more, if possible. And I have no clue how to go about doing that. What I do gives a handful of the above-mentioned things to a handful of people. And that is not enough. I believe I have what it takes to deliver all of that. But I don’t have the platform! Neither do I know how to build such a platform. And worse, while what I do is interesting, it may not lead me to that goal. There is no large mission that I am a part of. And I do not know how to get there. The world needs to be the oyster and yet, today, I am limited to like Veera Desai road! 

I often wonder about Jeff Bezos and Warren Buffett and Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and Paul Graham and Sam Altman and Adam Grant and Aswath Damodaran and all that. When did they realize that they have what it takes to inspire generations and generations? When did their work move from operational to the inspirational zone? How did the transition happen? What ticked them in the direction? How did they learn so much that they could make things happen at their businesses AND do more things at the same time? Who helped them? How do they work? Do I have it in me to become like them? And if not, do I quit the hopes of helping others and get settled in a comfortable 9 to 5? At least I can enjoy the riches that the world has to offer! 
And finally, am I the only one that grapples with this challenge? Because I see people around me very happy with what they are wading in! 
Would you have answers? 
Sigh! 

Rant Over! 
***
So, that’s about it for the update. Do let me know if you want me to look at anything else. 
Over and out. 
4 Feb 2020

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PREVIOUS UPDATES are here…
2019 – Aug, Sep, Oct, Nov, Dec

PS: To track these (like I said, I track more and do less), I use the following tools…

  • I follow the Maker Day – Manager Day philosophy.
  • I use tags extensively and I tag everything – mails, tweets, notes even when I write with a pencil. And I ensure that the names and styles are consistent. Sometime in the future, this would become a really big differentiator. Information archiving is easy. Retrieval is a pain. 
  • Asana – I use the free version. To track tasks etc. 
  • Google Calendar to schedule meetings etc. 
  • Toggl – this is a paid app but I use the free version to track time on Manager days
  • A 15-min interval calendar – template here. I take a print of this on my Maker days and list all tasks. And then I track every 15 min. The idea is to reach a point when I can start tracking 1-hour long slots. 
  • A combination of Evernote, Miro, Notes app on Mac, a physical notepad, post-it notes, numerous spreadsheets and don’t know what all. With time I want to move to just one online tool and one notepad. I don’t know the optimal solution. But let’s see. Plus, I am thinking, once I reach a certain stature and stage, would I need to minutely manage my time/life? Not sure! What do you think?  
  • Lately have started to use Roam to catalog thoughts. Let’s see how it goes. And In Feb, I will try to use Notion to create hyperlinked content. Again, not sure if I would continue to use it. Let’s see where it goes. 
PPS: Going forward, I will use the above format (have culled the number of things I am doing drastically to be able to reach three large goals for 2020) to report how the month went by was. 
PPPS: I, of course, need to give you an update on the tasks that I planned for Dec and Jan (since I did not do the planning for Jan). Here is an update on what I had planned…

  • a. Work on #book2. I started working on this. Not full-steam though. I’d give this a C. 
  • b. Start running. I could not. Been trying since Oct. But I did take some actions on trying to get fitter. So, C. 
  • c. Get saurabhgarg.com up and running. The site is up but I don’t like it. So, a D.
  • d. Do a one-month reading deep-dive into one specific topic. No action. So, an F.
  • e. Work towards creating a business that takes me beyond India. Worked hard on it and yet it’s not showing me the results. Attempt – yes, the outcome – no. So, a C. 
  • f. Renew focus on C4E. No action. F. 
  • g, fix my planning process. Did! Not quite an A but a B for sure! 
Oh, like I said, going forward, I will not have more than three goals for the month that I will track / chase. If I manage those 3, I will add more. But three is what I would plan for! 
And with this, ladies and gents, over and out! 
Thank you for your patience. It is not an easy task to survive these long emails! Lemme end this with the best photo that I clicked in Jan 2020…

The first five days of 2020

Today is the fifth day of the year / decade / whatever you want to call 2020. And I know that these 5 days haven’t been the greatest of them all. I have been unwell since the 28th and today it’s the 8th day when I’ve had something or the other affecting me. Its nothing serious (I hope). Just some cold, cough, sore SORE SSOORREE throat, choked nose and general lethargy that the Bombay weather has brought upon us. Oh, I slept in the wrong position and my entire left side is hurting like a bitch. You know, when you are suffering how things compound? And on top of that the ones that I want to be loved by, they seem to have time for everyone but me. Guess its a phase and it will pass.

Thing is, as I kid I would rarely fall sick and in the last 3-4 months, I have caught something or the other, including Dengue. I did what I’ve never done – taken meds, of allopathic, homeopathic and ayurvedic kinds. I even took meds to help me sleep better at night.

No, it is not work-related. It is not the best time but I’ve seen such times in the past. And when I am on my bed, I do NOT think about work. So that can’t be the reason.

No, it is not about motivation. As I write this, its 7:36 AM on a Sunday, and I am at a Starbucks. If it were motivation, I would be curled up in my bed.

No, it is not food. I’ve never eaten healthy, except the times when I was on Keto. I eat whatever is the right combination of money, time and convenience. Food has been like that for me. Maybe I need to change that? May be.

No, it’s not the new place. I mean the new locality I am living at is a lot more noisy, dusty, disorganized, messy and all that compared to the older one. But I think I sleep well. I even get some dreams – just that I don’t remember them anymore.

No, it’s not about relationships. Most of mine are functional. And like food, convenience-based. I don’t want anyone to do anything for me that makes them go out of their way. I have trained myself to learn that relationships are superficial for most people – they just don’t acknowledge it. Yes, this is a controversial and unpopular opinion but that’s how it is.

No, it’s not about me being careless. I am wearing enough clothes to cover myself. Like I am inside a store and wearing a warm jacket – the kinds I would not wear even in Delhi! I am even taken meds as I said earlier.

Yes, it’s troubling me enough that it has made it to my blog!

And I guess this is what growing old is? Unexplained illness, visible frailty, irritable mood and all that. No, I don’t like this. No, I did not sign up for this.

I think that’s about it. I hope I get well soon. I hate it when I am like this. I become a non-functional human being and a jackass to be around when I am unwell.

Pray for me.

And 2020, please get your act together. I have high hopes from you!

The feeling of being listless

So I have been feeling listless in the last few days. Even before I went to Bangalore. And I don’t know why. May be it is the new place that I have moved to. Or may be that I don’t have an AC at my place and thus I have had inconsistent and fitful sleep. Or it could be that I don’t have an office place anymore (the guys I was sharing an office with, they moved onto a new place and they no longer have a vacancy). Or may be I am stressed about something important to me – my work, relationships, money.

I can’t seem to put a finger on things but I am being so useless that it is not making me listless. You know, spiraling down the feedback loop? You do something because you are not well. That act of doing that something makes you all the more unwell. And because you are unwell, you do that something. And you get in that loop.

Lemme give another example. You are fat. You want to lose weight. But because you are fat, you can’t seem to gather what it takes to go ride the treadmill. Rather, you eat more as you struggle with the misery of not going on the treadmill. And because you can’t go to the treadmill and you can’t stop eating, you get fatter.

Fuck. I am doing such a bad job of explaining this! I need to brush up my skills to explain things.

Anyway, I have been so listless that I am actually miserable in the head. I am so out of sync with how I identify with myself, the story that I tell myself, the narrative if you will…

Wait.
Who am I?
What is the story that I tell myself?
What is the song that I sing to myself?
What is my narrative?

Simple.
I am someone who wants to improve every day. And help others around me improve. And in the process, make money, create impact and move the world forward. This quote summaries me well…

So, if I am not improving myself every day, I believe I am not living. I am not alive. And how do I improve myself every day? Simple. Create (more) and consume (lesser). Meet more people. Work on my physical, emotional and mental sides of life. Physical – no I don’t work out but I like to walk, I like to eat in moderation. I like to sleep better. Mental – get active, keep my head engaged, think of things that I believe need work on. Emotional – become stronger to be able to cope up with the vagaries of life.

And I am not doing any of these. At all. I am not reading. I am not writing. I am not meditating. I am not creating. I am not meeting interesting people. I am not chasing largeness the way I ought to chase.  I am not creating opportunities for myself. I am not consuming media (not reading books, seeing content, listening to podcasts, etc). I am not thinking. I am not actively questioning things and opinions and ideas. I am just being a vegetable. Heck, I am not being a good vegetable – not been sleeping well at all, like I said.

I am not doing anything that I want to be doing with my life or time. And it sucks so bad that I can’t seem to put my finger to it!

This suckyness in the head and the inability to think of answers is not the best place to be at. And I need to get out of it. And from whatever limited I can think, there could be a few solutions. Lemme try and list those.

To start with, this…

Found this on Kunal Shah’s twitter feed. Very consistent with what I’ve been saying all my life. Happen to things, rather than waiting for things to happen to you. Become a high agency individual, if you will.

Translating this into specifics, the action items for the next few days are…

1. I will go and find an office place for myself. Just that most of the co-working places are way too expensive and not designed to enable work. Really. They are not. And it’s pathetic. So, despite the limitation, I will find something that allows me to start work at 7 AM. And is accessible. Even if I have to spend extra, I will.

2. Get back to that life where work was the only priority and nothing else mattered.
Last few days, I don’t know why and how I started to take it easy. Which means that I would do those parties and stay up late and socialize and meet people to “catchup” and all that. Which works well for a lot of people. But not for me. So, I need to get back to that inhuman life and routine where I am up with the sun and spend more of my waking time working (and not leisuring). 

3. Think hard about each thing and cut out parts that are hampering my sanity. If a relationship is not giving me happiness or comfort or peace of mind, I will move out of it. If there is an idea that is not progressing despite all my intentions, I will get out of it. If I have to take hard decisions, I will. Like AK told me yesterday, I am fucked because I am attached to things that I should’ve let go a long time ago! I mean if C4E does not make money for me, I should think hard about it and put a pause to it, if I have to. If I can’t seem to get the book 2 going, I must quit the idea of working on it. You get the drift?

4. Get my sleep in order. Since I’ve moved to the new house, I’ve not been sleeping well. And it’s affecting the way I operate. May be that it the key reason for my unhappiness and how I operate. Over the new few days, I will get my sleep in order. Everything else can wait. In fact, this should be on the top of the list. But it’s too much edit. So let is remain here.


So yeah.

This is the rant for the day.

Thank God I have this blog and a daily journal of sorts to record how I feel. If not for these, I would probably go mad. I wonder how those people that remain quiet operate. I could never. I need something to talk to, someone to rant to. Even if its the blog.

What about you?

The mess in my head

I was not happy (Not unhappy. There’s a difference between not happy and unhappy) over the last few days. I was not even content, not at peace – the default state I want to be in. I could not put a finger on what was stopping me from being that. And I tried real hard to figure out but failed at it. I mean I am the kind that can sleep well even when I know that the world around me is crumbling. Or when I know that the world around me is gifting me EVERYthing that I have ever desired.

But for the last few days, I haven’t been sleeping well at all. To a point that I have this nagging, consistent, neverending mild headache. And of course, I am irritable. To a point that I am not talking straight to people that matter. And of course, I don’t like this. I have to have a cordial relationship with people. There’s nothing else that I care for more!

So, I continued with the investigation. I thought about everything that had changed in the last few days. And apart from the move to a new house, everything else seemed to be the same. The new house meant a new place, a new set of people that I’d nod at, a new Starbucks, a new neighborhood et at. What remained constant is the things I use at home, the clothes I wear, the food I ate, etc. 

Just that I did not have the wardrobes and almirahs to place my things inside. And the new house still has all those boxes littered in various rooms. The curtains are yet to come. I am yet to find a maid to do the cleaning. No, I cant clean by myself. I mean there are some million chores to be done before the house becomes livable again. But these things can’t affect me.

Or can they?

I did everything I could to think of the reason and I almost tore whatever hair is left on my head.

I had no clue and was puzzled like hell about what was causing me discomfort. I was so frustrated and so angry that I threw my phone on a pile of clothes lying in one corner in the bedroom. And then after 10 microseconds, once I realized my mistake, I tried to search for the phone. The pile was so deep that it took me a while to locate the phone. And no, the screen did not break. And yes, I was wrong to have thrown my phone like that. As a kid, I would throw tantrums like this. I am way past that age now!

As I was hunting for the phone, the eureka moment happened for me. It dawned on me what was bothering me!

The mess in the house!
The untidiness.
The unorderliness.
All those boxes strewn all over the place.
All the dust that would rumble under the bare feet as you would walk.
That thin layer of dust on surfaces.
Dirty clothes that haven’t been washed in a while.
No order to how to things were arranged.

Of course, all this is temporary. I’ve just moved to a new place and it will be up and running in a few days. This is just the transition phase.

But if I reflect and think back, all these transitions have always made me miserable. Maybe this is the reason that every house I move into, I don’t like it? The dislike is not for the house per se but the mess that the movement accompanies! Fuck, epiphany! 

In fact, if I go back in time to when I was a kid, I used to hate it when my parents got the house painted. We’d pile all our things in one room and spend time there as the painters worked in other rooms. And then we’d move all those things in the rooms that had got painted and then painters worked that one room. This entire process would mean there’s always mess and clutter and movement and all that.

I could not stand the mess back then. I can’t stand the mess now.

I like open spaces (which are of course hard to come by in Mumbai). I like cleanliness. I like order. And at the age I am at, I am averse to any change per se (and yes I want to learn and experience new things). And this moving houses is not just my cup of tea. Yes, I am all for living in new places. In fact #in2020, I will live in a new country. But the process of movement is not my scene. 

When I say I want order and cleanliness, I don’t want to live in a fancy hotel room where everything is measured and placed at just the right place to add to aesthetic or comfort. Neither do I want to be a snob that will only like expensive, fancy things.

And no, I am not a sucker for familiarity. I just was cleanliness and order. You know, books arranged from shortest to tallest, containers stacked neatly, bed aligned in straight lines with other furniture, etc, etc. Long-time back, there was this ad where the guy would want absolutely round rotis and want to clip each stand in his beard to the same length. Don’t remember what was the ad. But I am that guy! 

Anyhow. So, now I know what moving houses does to me, I need to list some lessons that I need to use when I move next. Here’s a list…

Lessons for myself?

1. Never take a house in a standalone building. Even if you have to pay a premium and you’d never ever use the facilities, take a house in a complex that has well-maintained amenities (like a swimming pool, a gym, etc).

2. When you are moving houses, before the house is settled and is up and running, stay in a hotel. Or crash at a friend’s place.

3. Pay extra for the movers and get a professional service. They would pack things well and handle stuff with care. Each time I have moved, movers have done a shoddy job with things. And I can’t handle incompetence.

4. ALWAYS insist on a semi-furnished house. Semi means wardrobes and appliances. Not furnishing.  Never ever furnishings. They typically are worn and shitty. It’s ok to pay extra to avoid the heard-burn.

5. Reduce the number of things I own. I assumed that I have very few things but when I moved houses, I have some 20 boxes full of things. Books would be about 2 of those. But rest, I had no clue! With time, I will reduce things that I own. And now that my clothes are gone, I am gonna be very careful about buying new ones. I bought 4 shirts yesterday. I plan to buy 2 black shirts and that’s that for the next entire year.

6. Money is a tool that allows you to feel better and live better. If I could spend more money this time, I would’ve fixed all of the above. Honestly, I may not – I did not know these things myself. But next time, I will!

***

And that’s about it.

I hope next time I move, it is better.

I hope that now I know what had fucked my head, I would be a little more tolerable to people. And no the Mercury had nothing to do with this 😀

This Diwali…

So, there is this tradition at home where all four of us (my parents, my sis and I) come together for Diwali. Well, come together is hyperbole. My parents live together at the place that I call home (in Delhi). My sis and I are often out for work. But wherever we are, we make it a point to come back to Delhi for Diwali. Even if it’s for a day, we come back.

We do the Diwali pooja in our kitchen (used to feel like such a big space when I was a kid; now we hardly fit inside. That’s the thing with spaces – they don’t contract or something, just that we grow up and things that we work with expand).

Digressing.

Coming back.

So, this Diwali was probably the first time all 4 of us weren’t together. My sis is away and it was too impractical and too expensive to come home for the tradition.

And I will not lie but I did feel a lump in my throat for a few seconds when I realized that this year’s togetherness will not be complete. I even imagined that a time would come when none of us would be around and I don’t know who would miss us. Or if there is any meaning to these traditions.

Maybe this is what growing up is. May be this is how the entire world feels like because they don’t have enough things to digress themselves with. You know, if I had things to occupy my head with (work et al), I would probably be too busy to even miss my sis. But work has not been too great lately and that means all I had was emotions. And they were running high! I even wrote a post about it!

That’s the other thing. I have been writing this blog for some 15 years now. And I have remained pseudo-social. I have spoken about things that are personal and that I often don’t tell my friends and all. And I think it has served me well. In the sense, this blog has sort of become that person that I can confide in. I am fucked in the head. I write some stuff here. And then I am ok. This blog is like my best friend that I can confide in and does not judge me and has the answers.

Of course, there are far deeper and darker things that I don’t write on a public platform. I write those on this secret blog that no one has access to. It has things that I would be ashamed of if they were to be published in the newspaper.

But the thing is, as I grow older (and hopefully wiser), I am becoming a lot more comfortable with myself as an individual and with my insecurities and my flaws. I am the way I am. And I want to not hide the flaws. I want to see them in the newspaper. I want to blurt yell at the top of my voice and make the world hear about them.

I know that the business I am in runs on reputation and a lot of people may not want to attach their names with mine if I start living my true self. I already get a lot of flak for the way I dress. I don’t think I can add more eccentricities to it.

But then, as I go along, I think it’s ok. I’d rather be with people that I like to be with and the ones that like to be with me. There are 7bn+ people and the law of numbers dictates that I would find some that respect me for my decisions. And that’s what I want to chase. Fuck the pretense. Fuck the attempts at fitting in. Fuck the conformity. I am going to embrace my individuality and the choices that I believe are worth making.

Wow. I digressed to dunno what level.

When I started writing this, I wanted to write about traditions and how they gain importance as they age and how they add meaning to the lives of people. And how people do irrational things to fit into the world’s view of traditions. And how someone like me who loved to be so rational that I left things behind to chase optimal results could become irrational to follow traditions. I wanted to use the Diwali pooja at home as an excuse to write about emotions and how they are often meant for people that have nothing to look up to. Or forward to. But I don’t know what all I wrote. As I was editing, I realized that I have written about the ideas of conformity and freedom and choice. Heck, are we even free? Fuck, that’s another debate for another time.

For the time being, I think I am glad that I back to writing. Wrote an SoG yesterday after almost 2 months. And today this blogpost. And if time permits, another SoG today.

For the time being, over and out!

The Birthday Blues

So, for the record, birthdays are the absolute worst thing in the world for people who are underachievers and are not ok with their underachievement.

You know what am saying? Some people do well for themselves. Most people don’t and yet they are ok with it. And then there is a handful like me who want to do really well really bad and are unable to and have no clue what to do about it. And for people like that, people like me, birthdays are the worst thing ever.

The very idea that I am a year older with nothing tangible or emotional to show for is the worst ever. Most years I escape the feeling when I get away from the world I know and thus even the idea that it was the day when you were born almost 4-decades ago. This year, thanks to the lull in the business and dwindling bank balance, I had to stay put. And it was a terrible decision. I should’ve gone away.

Anyhow. So because I could not get away, I was watching this documentary on Bill Gates – where he is talking about his life and what he wants to do with it. And there’s just one word that came to my head as I was seeing it. Wow.

Bill is a living example of what exemplary achievement is. On all counts. Business. Impact. Philanthropy. Investing. People. Growth. Partnership. Relationships (though he could do better on that count). Think of a thing and he has excelled at it.

Now, look at me. All 37 years of my existence. What do I have to report for these years?

Nothing!

But then, thanks to Bill, I am inspired to do more with my life. Really am. But I am also a tad bit depressed about my inability to have led a meaningful life. Or have any impact. Or reach any sort of success with anything. It’s been 37 years and these years that I have spent amount to nothing.

I don’t have a thing that people evaluate others on – financial savings, tangible assets, intangible impact, etc. I don’t have a thing that will be remembered after I am gone. Fuck the legacy – I don’t care what happens when I am gone but I want to make a tangible difference to the lives of people around me. And beyond. I have nothing of that sort happening. If I had a fat-ass naukri, I would tell myself that at least I have this fat bank balance. But that too is, well, blue!

Damn!

Chalo, enough.

Hope tomorrow is a little better.

#untitled – 20092019

Yo Fam (see am a hipster – I call readers “fam”. If you are old like me, you may want to read what fam means here)!

Trust you are well. I am ok. I could be better though. Such is life. You know, ups and downs. Ebbs and flows. Light and darkness. Yin and yang. Yes and no. Fuck I can make a long list of dualities that us humans are subjected to all the time! But that’s not the point of this post. The point is, well, no point.

Thing is, I haven’t written for a while – not here, not on book2 (which is a focus area for me this month), not on SoG (even though, thanks to a tweet by Ashish, it got more than 20 new subscribers), not on my echoChamber, not on my tracker that tracks EVERYthing I do. Heck, I am not even posting on twitter (well, I am. But not as much as I would like to).

There’s this lull. I think its a reflection of how things are around us. Almost everyone including me seems to be struggling to make ends meet (except the ones that have stable naukris – and what’s a stable naukri, well I don’t know). And because there is this general pessimism, it probably has trickled down to me. And you know these things tend to have a feedback loop. I am not happy. That means I don’t feel like working. I am not working and hence I am not creating anything. I am not creating anything, I don’t see the output. I don’t see the output, I don’t get happy. And I get unhappier. And the thing spirals down to a point where I hit rock bottom.

This spiral had to be broken. And that can only happen if you are creating (in my case). Works different for different people. So, I am back to creating. Starting with this blog. And then extending this to work. And beyond.

You know, how they say that you can’t control shit that happens in the world but you can control how that manifests at your end? That!

That’s about it for the time being. Good to be back.

Oh and in case you did not spot anything amiss, I think I would say I’ve done a great job. And if you did, pray tell me. And if you don’t care, well, who does 😀