Category: Personal

Detox!

Move to Delhi has been a roller coaster ride. There have been ups and downs (actually more ups than downs). Anyways, so all this while I have tried to juggle so many things at the same time. And as a result, I was perpetually short of time. So much so that I dint have time to eat. I was eating my meals in the car, en route to meetings/classes etc. I was always cribbing. I was unhappy. I was dissatisfied. I was hungry. And funny thing was that, unhappier I got, more unhappy I wanted to be.

Come to think of it, last three years have been funny. Every single day (except for those ten days of Viapssana), I have lived a life where hyper-connectivity is as important as breathing. My daily routine would include reading those 700 or so sources on my Google Reader, reading 4 newspapers cover to cover (excluding Delhi Times, Brunch, Lounge etc. and including classifieds), tracking my 500 or so “friends” and their lives on FB and twitter.

But for a change, last few days, somehow, I have lived in the real world. I spent time with REAL people. The ones I could touch. The ones I could have the company of. The ones I could debate, argue and share gyaan with.

I watched few movies on television (Seven, Leon, Wanted, Shawshank Redemption). I attended a concert (The Raghu Dixit Project – loved them. They are now my new favorite band. After Faridkot). I gave gyaan to a kid (Hope it helps him. He is as lost as I am. Just that he is 21). I spoke about myself to friends without the fear of being judged (no comments on this one). I met a stranger and fell in love with her nose ring (Havent heard from her after that meeting :|). I slept peacefully (for hours). I re-read bits of English August (and loved it as much I loved it when I read it the first time). I read Then We Came To The End. I started playing pool again (though I suck at it). And I drove my car (at least 2000 KMs in last 5 months) . And I dint ride my bike all this while (poor thing).

In short, I did not do things that I typically do. I did not chase things that I normally chase. I was not bothered about what others were doing in life (and how rich they were getting while I was/am stuck figuring out what to do). I was not living the borrowed life.

And for some reason I have that peace of mind that I have always craved for. Wonder how. May be I am happy when I am doing things at my own pace? May be I am happy when I am not thinking? May be I am happy when I am occupied?

I know I dont have the money. I know am not rich. I know I am not getting anywhere with this. I know this wont last forever but I am truly living in the moment. I am enjoying this bit. Does this mean that I stop chasing success/money/fame/happiness? Does this mean all these 27 years that I spent, chasing interestingness were a waste? I dont know. And I am ok with this ambiguity. Lets go with the flow. And when you know that the time it right, turn it. I like playing the armchair activist.

And in between, I realized that people make me happy. I have this pressing need to have people around me. And not just anyone but they should be special. I should be proud of the fact that they are my friends. The ones who allow me to be what I want to be. I ones who dont ask me questions. The ones who don’t expect any answers. The ones who back me up when I need them. The ones who trust me. The ones who are good at heart. The one who allow me to drive their cars (I want to believe that I am an awesome driver btw).

Someone said, ignorants are the most blessed. Last few days I have largely been ignorant. Ignorant of life, so called news (Google and the new search features – I mean why the fuck was I even tracking that in the first place?), happenings (again, why do I want to make an event a corner-piece of my life?), socialite gossip (that girl on twitter is a known attention hog – I mean fine, its her life, let her hog onto anything she wants to. How does it affect me? Why do I want to know about it? What would I do if I know about it?) and other updates. I did not bother myself with any of that.

I wonder why and when did I start chasing these things? And as a result I made myself unhappy. I am sure these things made me feel “connected”. I felt I knew the pulse of the world (by reading some 1000 news/views/articles/blogs everyday, by following some 500 strangers on twitter and by tracking status updates of people on FB etc). It was like reading 500 novels at the same time. I could draw family/friends trees for all these 500 people. All of them as temporary as that blip on the radar. I think keeping track of strangers on social network reflects few basic human needs. Of eavesdropping. Of belonging. And its like reading fiction. 500 books at a time. Or watching a large movie (The Truman Show or Life: a Users Manual anyone?) where each character comes with a story and is somehow related. Is this the essence of all this social media hoopla? But what about all those great men and women who apparently are creating a fortune for themselves and their clients in the process? Where people, human beings are treated as mere numbers?

And the worst bit is that to be able to track these seemingly important things, I was ignoring myself. And why? Because I “had” to keep a tab. How could I? That was so mean and selfish. I should have divorced myself years ago ;P

Anyways, next few days, before I enter 2010, I am going to decide on few things that I will do in next few years. I have some clarity on what moves me, what excites me and what would keep me happy. The easy part would be to put it on paper. The tough part, would be to actually live it.

Late Night Shifts

Love working at nights. No phone calls. No pesky bosses. No door bells. No girlfriends. No traffic. No Aaj Tak. No breaking news. No where to go. Nothing else to do. Work. And bliss.

While writing this, I was in the middle of composing a long email (to VP and RK), working on a sitemap (for SS), a phone call (from VG) and a session of poker (on FB).

Written at 1:31 AM, Friday, December the 4th, 2009.

84 Fucking Lakhs


This day on, my blog will start featuring adult content. Reader discretion advised. If you think am getting offensive with what I write, please move on.

I am pissed. Very pissed. Furious. Raged. And all those adjectives that the creators of English language created to express an emotion of extreme anger, frustration and helplessness. I am all of that. And more. More than words can express. More that I can put in shape of words. Wish I could write better.

And why is that I am all of the above? Because I just came back from a wedding where the groom was “gifted” a BMW. From what I heard, the car is about 84 lakhs INR in Delhi. Can you believe it? 84 lakhs? A gift. I dint even know a car could cost that much. Not even in my dreams.

I thought people like that only existed on Page 3s. And if they were for real, they had to be bollywood stars, cricketers and/or politicians. But now I officially know a guy, firsthand, who has received a preposterous amount as gift. For his wedding.

I have always know that world is unfair but it suddenly looks lot more depressing. The battle with myself look pointless. The reason to exist and go though all the agony look pointless. All the effort that I am putting in, all those things that I am doing, all the flak that I have been taking from friends, family, neighbors etc seems going down the drain. All the promises I made to myself look like mirages.

Imagine there are some people, that have enough free cash to be able to gift their daughters 84 lakhs. I am not even talking about other expenses that a wedding entails. Fuuck!!!

In my 27 years, my total earnings, ever, collectively is less than half of that. And I am an MBA from one of the top ten BSchools in India. Come to think of it me, my dad, my sis put together do not make that kind of money.

How the fuck am I supposed to compete with people who have all the money to do what they want to do? I couldn’t launch a business for want of bloody 10, 000 rupees. 84 lakhs is 8400 ten thousands. This dude can launch 8400 of these businesses before I even dream.

And if I asked that guy to make that much money without using any influence, power, contacts, friends, how many years, wait, how many lives would he need to reach a tenth of that amount? O, this is debateable. Forget this line. But its unreal the kind of opulence that some people live in.

How did guys like Dhirubhai Ambani manage things? How? Some divine intervention? May be. Mera kya hoga? Suddenly I am worried. And how.

Life suddenly looks so so unfair and so meaningless. Why the fuck am I even trying? fuck. One of those days I guess …

Initially written on 3rd Dec 2009. Gave myself a break of few day before posting this to be able to look at things rationally. But more I think about it, more sick I get.

I (too) have (had) a dream

THIS IS A REAL STORY. Of a dream I saw. Yesterday night.

I am in a building attending some talk or something and suddenly a guy comes and whispers in the ears of someone important. Like they do in President’s ears in most movies. And since I observe people, I understand that something is wrong. And then someone announces that we have been surrounded by terrorists. I guess (in the dream) that they might take us hostage but I get this feeling that I am going to die. I check out. There are two escape routes. I peek through the window on the left. I see one guy dressed in a pathan suit (images) and crouched near the wall of the courtyard. Yes there was a courtyard. And a wall. And yes I get these many details in my dreams. I get vivid dreams. (Not that vivid). So I see that there is a terrorist. And he was talking to someone on the phone (or was it a walkie-talkie?) and making gestures towards someone on the other side of the wall. I then go and check the other entrance/exit. I dont remember what I see there. And then I realize that I am going to die. I think that what a waste. A life where you promised a lot and ended by a gunshot. Without a warning. Aint that how most lives end? Anyways so once I realize I was going to die, I try to find places to hide (yes first thoughts were to find places to hide). I also think about possibilities of locking the building down. I also think of ways to control the people there and use their help to save ourselves. Now that I am writing, somehow the thought of calling for help dint come that time!. And then, I have no clue what happened. Next thing I remember is my cellphone buzzing and showing that its 5:30 AM and time to get up!

Thats it. Short and simple. Sans climax. Any interpretations?

Aaj Pehli Tareekh Hai

Nov 01, 2009.

In an ideal world, today would have been day 1 of a new month. And would have meant, amongst other things, salary. Ok, if not salary, the hopes of getting one (my salary usually came in the beginning of the second week). Salary meant that bank balance would be back to respectable levels (which IMHO is subjective). And that would mean midnight buffets with friends at five stars (and an opportunity to ogle at pseudo-celebrities, act rich and snobbish). And would mean a new gadget (that I would use for exactly four days. Ask my iPod, PSP, Kalieodoscope, Rubik’s Cube, Dominoes, Juggling Balls etc.). And would mean a new pair of jeans/sneakers/tees etc (and bragging points for redefining desi “coolness”). And would mean plans to travel to yet another place (and once in a while those plans did work and me and Neo explored places, mountains, rivers, roads, people, ourselves) . And it would mean decisions of investing whatever is left in some penny stock (hoping that that might go up by 500% in one week and dreaming the vicious cycle of dreams). And it would initiate those conversations where you compared your paycheck with your classmates and colleagues (and you discovered that you earned the least among the lot).

Sigh! those were the days.

Escape Perfectionism

Thanks to HN, I got link to this great post on the Harvard Business blog. Extracting a quote from there …

Perfectionists have a hard time starting things and an even harder time finishing them. At the beginning, it’s they who aren’t ready. At the end, it’s their product that’s not. So either they don’t start the screenplay or it sits in their drawer for ten years because they don’t want to show it to anyone.

But the world doesn’t reward perfection. It rewards productivity. And productivity can only be achieved through imperfection. Make a decision. Follow through. Learn from the outcome. Repeat over and over and over again. It’s the scientific method of trial and error. Only by wading through the imperfect can we begin to achieve glimpses of the perfect.

Am not sure if the tips in the blog work but I could relate the note to my personal experience. Am sure many more would be able to. It took me three years to resign from a day job and start working for myself. All this because I was trying to put everything in place before I took the leap. I dint realize that I can never put everything in place without knowing what to put in place. Feedback loop (+ and –) you see. I was trying not to fail. And as a result, I wasn’t even trying.

Any more people trapped in the “perfection” loop, please read the complete blog post. And resign and start up! Remember that shoe company that asks us to just do it?

Crossposted on Cyntax Blog

Crib Crib Crib Contd

Crib Alert: Higher. Read at your own risk.

Continuing with the previous rant, next on agenda is the society of mutual admiration. I have spoken about this earlier as well. Its funny how it is self propagating till the egos reach an astronomical proportion. Initially cooperating and then eventually competing with each other. Right now, from what I can see, that transition from cooperating to competing has begun. And the games would get only interesting.

Next up is affinity to the Fourth Estate. All the experts, on the Internet, off the Internet, in our minds, in their minds are on one hand proclaiming that they are not here to get famous. And on the other hand, everyone wants their 15 seconds of fame. Even if those 15 seconds are buried on the nineteenth page in the bottom corner in microscopic font, it shall be put highest on the long list of similar achievements.

Achievements is yet another aspect. I have met people who have started three companies and hence they are experts on starting up. All three had to shut down is a different story. Then I have met people who have been blogging for 8 years now and hence they are India’s first bloggers. Then I met this girl who is an awesome public speaker and her claim to fame is that she manages a school for the underprivileged. And this in her opinion makes her an authority on NGOs in India. If someone asked her where do NGOs file their returns, she would not know as she is not a “business person”. Then my best friend is a property dealer in Greater NOIDA and hes been doing it for about 11 years now. And he thinks he is the next KP Singh. There are plenty of such examples. Reminds me of that book, Extraordinary popular delusions. In this case, they are not really popular delusions, but, personal ones. If Mr. MacKay was alive, I would have pleaded him to write a version.

Last agenda on this long rant is lack of opportunities to broaden my horizon that universities and companies in the west provide in abundance. For us Indians, education is something that you get over with in one stretch (typically end with a MBA, MCA, MTECH, MD etc). And then you start working. Studying for few years, taking a break, working, traveling, cooing back to study et al are alien concepts. If you are 27 and you did your MBA three years ago, sitting at home to figure out your next career step is nothing less than a cardinal sin that even a dip in holy Ganges might not help. One might argue there are people who are doing it now. But what percentage of the population? And why? This is a different tangent all together. Lets not go there.

Coming back, so once I start working, its an absolute no-no to stop, identify/learn/develop a new skill and change your industry etc. Even if I want to remain in the “industry” I am in (we don’t look at life and work as separate entities), advancement means promotion. Thats it. We don’t care if we advance the industry/profession or contribute something to it. All we want to do is reach the next level, faster than our peers. After all if pados kay sharmaji ka beta is a National Sales Manager at 28, there is no way I can be just a Regional Sales Manager. Universities here shrug you off moment they confer the degree/diploma on you. Universities abroad offer an environment where you can grow. Where you contribute. Where you learn even after you have been awarded that diploma.

Again, have to cut it short. Probably a part three might come soon. Like Moby asked, why does my heart, feel so bad?

Another one bites the dust

Yet another friend got engaged. This one is fourth in last one month alone to get hitched. And the funniest is that these are arranged marriages*. Guys who I thought weren’t capable of tolerating any “arranged” arrangement!.

By the speed which they are falling, I think, very soon, I would be the last man standing.

Scary. Any company anyone?

*India has this concept of arranged marriages where parents of the guy/girl find a suitable match for you and you meet each other once/twice and get married.