Category: Personal

Hello, September!

I send a monthly letter to a few people that have helped me grow in my career. This is a slightly edited version of this. If you want me to add you to this list, please do let me know.

Hello, September!
Hi!

This is Saurabh and this is the September version of my monthly emails to people who care 🙂 In case you forgot what I wrote in August, it’s archived here.

August was long and yet it flew away faster than the fastest Bullet Train that has been promised to us Indians. August was faster than you can blink. I mean I couldn’t even read and respond to your emails and the month had gone by!

I will talk about what I did in August, but before anything else, thank you!

Really.
Thank you! 

For being around.
For helping me when I was in a soup.
For tolerating these emails.
Even if you don’t read these, the thought that you are reading these emails keeps me going. You know, Eklavya?

So, in August, I had said I’d do the following…
a. Finish Show Bible for my second book
No, I did not do it.
I tried. I could not.
It is taking longer than I expected. I did put in the effort and yet it is far from the finish. It is taking me longer. I will work on this in September as well.

b. Lose 1 inch from my waist.
I did this one.
Yay!
Thanks to a combination of a lot of things – sleep, tracking what I eat, mindful snacking, a 3-day fast to get into the healthy habit and walking more than what I would typically walk. And a lot of effort from BR on helping me understand the importance of food.

I want to lose another inch this month. Even though I am on the road a lot this month, I am hoping to add running / brisk walk to my fitness regimen this month on. More on this in a bit.

c. The other notable things that happened in the month of August 2019 are… 

  • #tnks (my first book) got shortlisted at the South Asian Film Market at Singapore South Asian International Film Festival. Was a big deal for me. I hope it gets picked up and gets converted into a film. If it does, it will be a step closer to where I want to be as a writer. Also, when I was in Singapore, I understood how much harder and smarter I need to work to be able to reach where I want to be! I learned a lot and I was left humbled. I even wrote a short post on it. If you are curious, you may read it here.
  • Bin Bulaye, the first short-film I co-produced with a couple of people is now ready for release. This officially makes me a filmmaker that has shipped some content and marks the start of my career as a filmmaker. The next step is another short and then after a series of such steps, someday, an actual feature. Oh, for the next short, I am raising money. In case you know people who want to fund indie, short films, do connect. Please note that “investing” in a short film does not give any returns per se – so these are risky “assets” (the largest return you’d get is bragging rights). And if you want an esoteric answer, as a filmmaker (or a creative individual), you do these things and put your life and money and effort and blood and toil and everything else into the art to be able to open the eyes of people who’ve shut them tight. Indie films allow you to do that.
  • Launched Hop197.com. Hop197.com will chronicle the journey of a dear friend Sujoy and his wife as they attempt to become the most-traveled couple from India. So far they’ve been to 120+ countries. I am helping them put the website and a partner in the online piece. Let’s see how it goes.
  • Gave my first paid-for talk on a stage to an audience of 100 odd people. On branding and storytelling. And oh boy, what a bad job I did there! I need to work hard on my presentation skills. I am thinking I will join some acting school or something to improve how I talk and how I conduct myself on stage. Thankfully the presentation I made at Singapore about my book was pretty cool. Phew!

So, September.
In this month, I plan to work on the following…

a. Show Bible for the second book
Been on this since August 19.
It is taking longer and from what I’ve seen, it will take more than just a month 🙁
So, even though I will gun for a finish in September, it may stretch into October. Let’s see.

b. Start running
Not walking, not jogging. Running.
This means that I need to be able to 4 kilometers in 30 minutes.
I know it is not fast. But that is what I hope to do. To start with.
If I can do this, in October, I will add weights to my training regimen.


c. Get saurabhgarg.com up and running
I’ve always wanted to have a home for all that I do and think and play with and all that.
I’ve had the domain name for a while but never cared to work on a website.
In Sep, I will.
And along with the website, I will stop underselling myself and start marketing myself.
No, I don’t want to go overboard but I want to be known a tad more. After all the size of opportunities you get is a function of the number of people you know! This thing about being known more has got reinforced after the trip to Singapore. In fact, I ran an experimental survey where I asked people to tell me what they think of me and this is what they had to say. Not really in the zone that I want people’s perception to be about me, but it is a great starting point.

d. Do a one-month reading deep-dive into one specific topic
I plan to read about one topic in as much depth as I can. And then try to put a blog post about it. For example, can I read A LOT about whatever Warren Buffet has said (and see all his videos) and then catalog them into a nice note that can be a primer for others? Much like what Tim Urban is attempting about “everything“. Or what Julian did for writing, muscle, and growth. And of course, I will continue to read about a wide range of things, apart from this one thing. I just need to find a subject. If not Warren, then maybe I’d read about crypto. Or about what Jeff has said? What do you think will be in demand in times to come?

e. Work towards creating a business that takes me beyond India
The intent is to go global and have reduced dependency on the motherland for my survival and growth.

And why would I do that? Long story. I’d write a post about it someday.

But help me. I can straddle between digital marketing, events, and strategic marketing. If you know of opportunities, would love to pitch in. And apart from that, please do tell me what other things could be done that take me beyond the borders. I’ve been meeting people and I have some ideas but I need more help.

That’s it. That’s how September is going to be. And no, these are not too many things.

So that’s about it.
Thanks again for your patience.
And all the help.

Hope you have a good day and a good month ahead.
Please do let me know if I could be of any service to you.

Gratitude and Respect,

–

Saurabh Garg
@saurabh
Send me anonymous feedback
Updates from previous months – 0819

***



Previous updates: Aug 2019
All posts here.

Saurabh Garg – Personal Brand

This is an excerpt from the daily newsletter that I send out to some friends. More about the newsletter is here.

Please read this and tell me what you think. 

The next thing that I want to share (and more than share, write and thus get clarity in my head) is my personal brand.

For starters, twitter. 

So, twitter is the largest, strongest, baddest, bestest connection I have to the outside world (I remain an introvert at most other places). And on Twitter, I would often post whatever comes in my head, even if those things are embarrassing and cringe-inducing. You know, I was being authentic (I am like that IRL). Which was great to a point in time. But I feel that authenticity is making me a tad more human that what I hope to be and is thus preventing me from making business connections. And to be honest, right now, I need business connections more than anything else at this point in life.

Ergo, fixing twitter. Step 1 towards fixing personal brand.

Last night, I split my twitter usage in three. Yes, three. I am not for small measures 😉

@saurabh – where I’ll mostly talk about work. Try to create connections that can take me far. I will talk about my writing, marketing consulting assignments, events and all the projects that I am a part of. The idea will be to use the platform to showcase work, create more opportunities and meet more people that can help me grow.

@altsaurabh – this is where I would move what I was doing with @saurabh. Put things that I want friends and family to see.

@altsg – this remains the way it was. A backup account that I use when I am super-fucked in the head. 

And yes, I take myself very seriously ;P

I know I should not – I have been warned by enough people in as many words (including that longish comment). But I don’t know how else to live. I am a reflection of my work. And my work consumes all of me. I don’t have a personal life, heck, I don’t want one. I don’t enjoy anything else but this grind. There is nothing else that I am passionate about. There is nothing that I think I will ever do in life but think about the next. You know, divinely discontent. Each thing I do — from writing to fitness to hopes to live long and more — is an input for things that I can work on.

I know my definition of life and work is kind of warped. I don’t know what is work-life balance. I don’t even want to know. And the range of things that I work on is pretty wide but it is what it is.

Assuming that is the border you have to work in, if you are willing to help, do see my LinkedIn profile and my website and please do tell me if all these are in sync and make sense to you.

That’s about it I guess for the time being.

See you guys tomorrow!

On drives!

Wrote this yesterday on my newsletter. Subscribe here. 

Hello!
I continue to fail. Sigh!
But I continue to not give up either. Yay!

That’s’ how the life of an artist typically is. At least mine is.
Lot of action. Lot of lulls.
Lot of work. Lot of waiting.
Lot of inspiration. Lot of dark periods.

So anyway. Coming back. A Saturday. How’s it going for you guys? Yesterday, I slept at 8 PM and I thought I would wake up at 4 AM and get all the pending things done. But then I woke at 1:55. Then I woke up at 4:01 and finally at 7 ish. No, no remorse for sleeping in for 11 hours. I have this drive today (if it happens) where I would be up for some time.

Drives.

One of those things that I am a BIG BIG fan of. If I had all the money in the world, apart from playing poker and teaching, I would own a few good cars (and some bad ones as well) and spend a lot of time on the road. And no, I would not get attached to these cars (I am perfectly ok to drive the car to a far off destination, flying back to my place and then letting a driver bring the car back).

I have no clue what is it about the road and driving that I like. I think it is that feeling of escape from the routine that is so enticing. Maybe it is the chase of the unknown – you know, how us humans have always wanted to push boundaries and unravel the mysteries? Or maybe it is that feeling of control that you get when you are behind a steering wheel. You know, that fake sense of being in control that motivates all those dictators and egomaniacal people?

I think I will never know what it is about these drives. But I do know that these are getting increasingly rare. And because they are getting tougher and tougher to make, I am craving for them a lot more. To a point that I do not leave a single opportunity to go on these. Just that I hope it never reaches a point that because of all the craving, I just give up on em. You know what I am saying?

See, that’s the thing with most cravings. They follow a graph.
You experience a new thing.
You get excited about it.
Then you want it more.
You get a lot of it.
You get used to it.
And then when you stop getting it, you get withdrawal symptoms.
And then you do whatever it takes to get that kick.
And then after a point, you can no longer afford to do whatever.
And then either you kill yourself. Or you give up.

In my case, I give up on things. And on people. And on situations. And wants. Probably explains why I am the way I am. Ok enough of revealing my dark sides.

So, the drive is what I am looking forward to this weekend. What about you? What is it that you are working on that is not letting you sleep?

First posted on my newsletter. I try to send one email every day. Subscribe here. 

P2P Lending Policy

Ha! This is as formal and official as I can get with a blog title…

You know how life works right?
You want things – you look at the money you have, if you find yourself short, you ask around for help. No, not banks. You go and ask for it from friends, family, fools et al.

I am no different.
I have often asked friends, families, fools and strangers for loans for work. And they’ve been kind enough to offer the loan and extend an infinite payback period – so that’s cool.

Plus, I’ve been on the giving side as well.
However, most of them were not for work! 
I am digressing. I will come back to this.

So, when I take a loan, I track it on a document, get obsessed about it and can not get good sleep unless I’ve returned it. As we speak, I have to pay back 3 lakhs (a working capital loan that I took from a friend). Apart from this, I have some sundry payables to vendors and suppliers – these are not really loans but are regular transactions that I need for business, which is ok. Apart from these two categories, I have no debt (no EMIs etc).

I am digressing again. Coming to the point of this post. 
Like I said, most times when people ask me for money, it is not for business. It is for personal spends – someone wants to get married, someone wants to fix their car, someone wants to buy an appliance, someone wants to even buy a damn house. You know, personal spends. 
Of course, these are wants (not needs) and I can debate for hours to dissuade them from taking a loan to get access to these luxuries. You know, “we buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like”? That! I wish I could tell everyone this. But then, who I am to control how they live their life? 

But then these are friends and acquaintances and all that and thus I feel obligated to help! Leave the obligation on the side. I really want to help. That’s the point of why I am alive! You know, my raison d’etre. To help. Enable. A billion people.

Digressing again. Coming back. 
So, for some reason, most of the loans that I give out to people (and these are friends and family), they don’t come back. And it has reached this epidemic proportion that I must have given a mini-fortune away and there is no return in sight. And of course, it gets embarrassing to ask for that money after a point. And then I start avoiding meeting these friends. You know what am saying?

And more than the suffering I induce on myself from a financial loss, I feel sad. For I hate to see people around me struggle to manage their wants.

And I feel bad. To have been let down. Let down that people that I care for could not keep their promises.

And I feel bad to have lost trust and faith on the ones that did not return. Of course, these are micro-loans (3K, 10K, 50K et al) and I can live with the loss. I anyway realised long ago that money is merely an object and not the most important thing. Time is. 


And the worst part? It has made more difficult for subsequent “want-ers” to borrow money from me. Once bitten twice shy. Plus, because I want to help others and all that, I feel bad (and sad and even miserable) every time someone asks for money and I have to say no.


Well, to be honest, most times I don’t have free cash flow. And the other times when I do have the cash flow, I can no longer bring myself to face disappointment again! 
But… but… it’s changing now. 
Thanks to my Mastermind group. 
In the group, one of the ideas that we discussed was to create a small fund, call it a do-good kitty, and give money out from that fund and that fund only. If it’s empty, you don’t give the money. If it’s full, you dole it out. And every time you give loan to someone, you tell them that they are being given money from this kitty and in case they don’t return it by the promised date, they are affecting your ability to help others in need. And every time someone returns the money, you add it to back to the fund and it stays at great levels. Every time the loan is not returned, the kitty depletes. And depending on your life stage, you add to the kitty (say you get a bonus). 
That’s it! 
Simple idea.

But counterintuitive to how I would operate. This is one of many tangible changes in my behaviour – thanks to time spent at the Mastermind group. Thanks, guys! You MUST get one! 

So, going forward, if you are going to ask for a loan from me, please do note the following.

  1. I do NOT give loan to strangers. So, if we don’t know each other, please do NOT embarrass me by asking for a loan. 
  2. If you know me, please read this blog post (if you’ve reached this far, you have read!) Yay! 
  3. If I am able to give you a loan, please know that this is coming out from the small kitty that I have reserved for giving loans out. The Do-Good-Fund. 
  4. If I do give you a loan, please know that I would want to know a date by which you’d return it. There is no interest, of course. Do not embarrass me by offering to pay the interest. 
  5. If you are NOT sure of repaying (you don’t have the intention or you are not sure of your ability to repay), please tell me beforehand. It will not affect my decision or judgement. But it will save both of us heartburn. At least I will be mentally prepared. 
  6. If you promise to repay and you do not, please note that you are affecting my ability to help others. And to me, that ability is MORE important than anything else in life! So, please help me! Please help me help more people. 
  7. Oh and while you are at it, do read https://seths.blog/2019/05/selling-insurance-to-your-sister/
That’s about it! Good luck to all of us! May all of us live long and prosper! 
Saurabh Garg
17 May 2019

PS: Been working on this draft for well over a week. Since I came back from the break, words haven’t been flowing and I can’t seem to concentrate on work at all. With this post, I hope to break the jinx. 

#Untitled – 21 Feb 2019

This is a short post. I am writing this as I take a break from the madness of an event setup. I dont do this normally but life hasnt been normal lately and now that its in this spiral, I better do all things that are typically not normal. Wow thats some gibberish. Anyhow. So I am at this event. This is among the largest events I do each year and the audience has atleast 100 people that are worth 100 crores. Each. Not kidding.

And each time I come here, I make a promise to myself that I will go back and do something that will make me as rich (as the attendees), if not more. And since I’ve been doing this (2016), I am yet to do it 🙁

Each time I do this, there is a bittersweet feeling.

Bittersweet because there is so much excitement at the prospect of doing an event. And then there is sadness that I am so so far from money that its as distant at the Everest.

Bittersweet because there is so much excitement about the a new show. Each event is a new show. Each show is new. And same. And yet different. And anxiety that you may not get to do this event next year!

Bittersweet because there is so much excitement about the things at stake while working on a project of this scale. And there is sadness that after this is over, that jolt that I need will go hanging for another year (assuming I get to do this event the next year).

Bittersweet because there is so much excitement because after each event you go back home with a new set of friends that in normal course of things, you’d never meet again. And there is this matter of chance that you’d bump into those people at some other juncture in life! And there is sadness that your regular tribe, your crew, your family, the people you are used to seeing next to you arent around when you are fucked with some crisis.

However a few things do get clear each time I do this. Chief of those is that I love this business like no other. The excitement of running a live show is unparalleled. If I ever choose to deviate from the mission that I am on with C4E, I will go and become a freelance event show director / producer. Really.

Talk of life goals, eh?

#Untitled – 16 Dec 2018

So its been sometime that I wrote here. There are a couple of reasons for it.

A
I dont have anything interesting to report. Thing is, this is my personal blog and I think I have said all that I had to. I mean there is nothing special happening on the personal front. I am merely growing old and along with that, I am growing more rigid, rude and un-companionable. And thats not something that I want to report. Or write about. I can talk about how growing old is giving me the clarity and making me better and all that. I actually wrote. But when I did some review while editing, I realised that it had become a ranty piece. And since I’ve decided that I wont whine, I removed it all.

So, in one line, nothing worth writing, reporting.

Of course I do write a letter everyday to a few friends (called #SoG, some letters are available here, where everyday I talk about one thing that you can do to improve yourself; lemme know if you want to subscribe) and I am active on twitter and all that (this will change, read below). But I simply dont have anything that I may want to write.

One may argue that the blog is not meant to be a report-card but a place where you dump your thoughts. Thing is, I have found better alternatives for that. I write on my echoChamber, my journal and other places and that helps a lot.

Oh, in case updates are important, there ARE a few things that I am trying in the next few days. Maybe those will interest you!

Here’s a list.

1. As of today, I am off twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Till the 2nd of Jan 2019. Lets see how long do I last. This is important to me. Because I believe that these SM channels allow you to create your personal brand, that in turn gets you opportunities and all that. More than that, I really enjoy “eavesdropping” on the chatter on the twitterverse. Twitter in fact is the first source of information for me! 

2. On the next Saturday (or maybe Sunday), I will get off whatsapp as well. Till the 2nd of Jan’ 19. In case you wish to reach me, you will have to call me. Or SMS me. Like the good old days. Its ok if I lose out on the opportunities. Again this is big. MOST of my work happens on WA. From tiny things like coordinating to large things like reports and invoices and all that – all happens over WA. Lets see how I survive.

3. And on the 25th or so, I will switch off my computer. Again till the 2nd of Jan. Really. Last time I went this long without my laptop, it was in 2009 when I went to Vipassana. Lets see how the experiment goes this time.

I plan to do a complete digital detox. This means no electronic device except a basic phone.

I will still goto Starbucks and wework to work sit and read and write. With a physical book and a pen and a paper. It will be tough to walk around without a laptop or an electronic device that gives me access to Internet. Lets see if I can be a modern day hermit!

Oh while I am in my self-created hermitage, I plan to revisit some old classics – Walden, Meditations, Count of Monte Cristo et al. There are health books that I am hoping to read (Bulletproof Coffee etc). If I can find time, I will read some modern ones as well – 21 ideas for 21st century tops the list. I would have learnt to code but I am not sure I can do that without a computer. And I dont even want to try.

Oh, while I go on the detox, the only thing I am worried about is my meditation. I am dependent on Headspace for guided sessions. I will see what I can do about it.

The other thing I am worried about is writing with a pen and a paper. I really suck at it. Ideas dont really flow while I use a pen. But a decision is a decision and I dont want to have an iota of distraction.

Wish me luck 😉

B
I am on this trip where I want to eliminate all negativity from my life.
Negativity. Not feedback.
Trolls, not debate.
Things that drag you down.
That snide comment, that mocking reference to your achievements or to your shortcomings. Those jokes that are cracked at your humor. Anything that puts you on the back foot. Of course as a man you ought to fend those off and get back with a louder wise-crack. But, do you want to invest your energy or time or intention in that?

Not me. Life’s short and there are things to be done. And now that I am on the wrong side of 30s, every minute is at a premium.

So, if this means that I need to choose my battles. And if this means I need to get away from things that I dont appreciate, I will. If this means leaving all friends behind because they cant understand where I come from, they will have to wait on the sidelines. If you are the woman I love and you dont respect time, I am out. I will run on my clock and if you can keep up, good for us. In case you cant, well, there are so many great men! If you are my family and all you care about is what would others say of my decisions, please stay with them. If you work FOR me, WITH me or I work FOR you, please know, work takes priority over everything!

I know I am being a dick about things. But thats ok. Its about time I took control of my life and it starts today. I sincerely hope that people important to me can keep up.

In fact I am told that when people die, one of the top 5 regrets is that they wished they kept in touch with their friends. I think thats bull. I’d rather die alone than die a pauper because I spent all the time in doing things that made my friends “value” me. More on this later. I have a letter (#SoG51) to write 🙂

Thats’ it.
Over and out.

PS: Of course at some level I am responsible for this. I revel in self-deprecating humor and texts (this blog is a testimony). But all of it changes now.

PPS: While I am on detox, I will have help from my “assistant”, who will help me order books, change my meals (I am this subscription service that sends meals at home) and all that.

You’re not alone.

So, last few days have been disturbing (to say the least). Hundreds of women have came forward with their stories of how they were, have been and continue to get troubled harassed at their work places, homes, schools and other places by men both known and unknown to them. And before this “wave” of coming out, these troubled women did not talk about the gross injustice served to them. Because of reasons ranging from fear of retaliation to social stigma to plain old un-awareness! Worse no one around them (including colleagues, families or friends) told them to speak up!

I know this sounds like a very bleak description of the world we live in.

And you know what? Its fucking true.

The world sucks and we need to do a lot of work before it becomes inhabitable again. I mean there are people trying to give us a plan B and there are people trying to inspire us to do better by their thoughts, words and actions. And then there are people that just get perverse pleasure from objectifying fellow humans. These people misuse abuse their power, their position so blatantly and so much that they leave permanent scars.

And to what end? For what? For that momentary rush of chemicals in their heads?

The ones that are uneducated, I understand. They give into their evolutionary instincts and do things that you ought not. I can excuse them. Probably counsel them and give them better values so that they dont repeat.

But the ones that are more evolved, “educated”, the ones that create (creative folks, musicians, writers, directors and all that), I refuse to understand what makes them the predators that they’ve been?

To make things worse, on the long list of offenders are acquaintances, friends, gurus and mentors. And people that I look upto, people that I aspire to become, strangers that I wanted to be friends with and so on and so forth. There are people who I’ve dined with. There are people that I have invited home and have put them in the same room as my family. There are business partners and I have trusted my fortunes to them.

And all these people, “my” people are interesting and amazing and cool and inspiring and all that. I would often mimic them. I would do whatever it takes to be them. I would chase them to meet me and give me darshan and I hoped like hell that I get to work with them. These were as Jack Kerouac say, the mad ones that I would chase and want to be friends with and all that.

I would be lying if I said I did not know that they liked attention and they indulged in various sins. I may have had an inkling that they are predators but I did not question them. Or question their intents. Or anything of that sort.

I am guilty of adulating them for the work they do and the talent they have and not questioning their personality, their values. I’ve always had the thing for geniuses even if they dont necessarily follow the best methods. You know those high-performing assholes? Or maybe you’d know of that “good job” scene from Whiplash? I need to get away from them! Reminds me of what Gary V often says – he would make the most impact and he would be nicest about it! 

Coming back, like good Samaritans, most people that that have been named have tendered “unconditional apologies” and have agreed to face whatever consequences that world has to throw at them. But then would an apology heal the stigma that these people had to live with for so long? How can you objectify someone and then say sorry? Can I chop off your arm and then say sorry? And, are you even sorry in your head? Will you not make the mistake again?

I wanted to chat up with these people. I asked the ones that I know. I confronted them. The ones that I cared for. One of them accepted his mistakes and has agreed to fix things. The other was unapologetic about it, without any remorse or guilt and said he dint care and was ok with whatever is happening. I mean how the fuck are you ok?

Fuck am seething with anger and I have no words. I hate this.

For someone who claims to be an author, I am at loss of words. I mean I dont even know what to write and how to write. This has taken me more than 3 5 days to compile, process and put on paper. There is so much that I want to say and do. May be this is the reason I havent slept well in the last few days. Ok, may be not. I am not sure.

No I was not unaware of the misuse of power by men in position. I could see it happening around me and I ignored it conveniently. I think I was in the zone that it doesnt affect me and thus it doesnt concern me. And I know that I couldnt probably stop it from happening, I couldve pointed out. If nothing else it would probably have lent support! But I did not. And I am so sorry. Really am. Damn I dont even know who I am apologising to. And what good would this apology do?

May be I need to apologise to those around me, that I care for, that are getting affected? Case in point? This young girl that works with me, day before few days ago I was dinnering with her and she told me how she was molested by her neighbour when she was 9. Back then she couldnt do anything, she was after all a kid and did not know what was happening to her. But when recently when one of her friends tried to force himself on her, she chose to not speak up. Why? Because she was in a group and she did not want to create a scene!

I mean really? Not create a scene? Why not? Is your safety more important than societal pressure?

Oh and this one is one of the bravest women I know! If this one couldnt speak up, I am sure that all the ones that are not as strong as her would never come out and like meek sheep let the perps do whatever they want to!

I am glad that this is happening. Men are being outed. Women are getting the strength that they should’ve had to start with. I know that centuries of patriarchy and the society we live in has made it tough impossible for them to be bold. I am glad its changing. I think to give strength to these women, a thing like #metoo was required.

This is probably how the flood gates opened up after that one expose – it gave courage to other women who did not speak up all this while.

Thank you to everyone for standing up and reporting. Really.

I am wondering if I had spoken up when I saw injustice happening, raised my voice against it and encouraged all my colleagues, friends and acquaintances to voice their opinions, may be the world would be a tad better place to live in. At least this junior of mine would’ve spoken out when she was in the spot!

May be she would’ve. May be she wouldn’t have. I dont know.

But I cant merely walk away from the fact that I feel responsible for this. And I dont know how to help. Myself. And others.

In fact since the first icon fell, I have been reflecting on my behaviour as a man.

I asked myself if I have acted in a way, behaved in way that I wouldn’t want others to behave with my sister, my girlfriend, my family. I reflected on what I speak, how I speak, who do I speak to. I thought about my pet jokes and ongoing conversations with women and I tried to evaluate if I were out of line at any point in time. I even asked a couple of women that I could confide in. I spoke to them — one at my workplace and one person that I work with on a project — and thankfully both of them ratified that what I do is well within boundaries.

Having said that, if you are reading this and if my behaviour has made you uncomfortable, EVER, please know that it was inadvertent and I did not mean to hurt you or put you on a spot. I’d never hurt anyone. I’d never do that. But if I have, PLEASE PLEASE DO POINT OUT THE INCIDENT TO ME (or to the world if you have to) SO THAT I MAY FIX IT GOING FORWARD. 

And while I was thinking about my past, it dawned onto me that I do enjoy the company of women and I love to flirt. Which is not a bad thing to be honest. But I also crack jokes that could be are insensitive and offensive. I need to fix this. And I will.

Plus I am often intrusive and take more than required interest in lives of others (men, women, friends, strangers et al). In fact this has been my hiring “tool” for the longest time (I want to work with people who dont want a salary but want to do make that dent). While the line of questioning is often tough, from what I know of myself, I have always been mindful of not hurting anyone! I am not sure that is this is something that I will change. If I am going to work with you, you better tell me of your deepest desires and greatest fears. And I WILL push you to become a better version of yourself. I WILL give you unsolicited advice. Even if I am a stranger. I am wired like that. And I will not change.

Oh, and this has also led to another rule that I will follow. It is as simple as, “if in doubt, dont”. So next time, while talking to anyone, if I think that the conversation would be unpleasant and harmful, I’d not get into it.

Also, I know I am not very vocal about my stand on various societal issues but this time on, I am going to take sides and take stands and get vocal. If it means investing time and energy and effort to learn more about the issue at hand.

PS: More than standing for women’s safety or equality, I am most pained when I see that we still lack education and commonsense. I want to work on that! 


In the end, I have made a list of a few immediate action points. Here.

1. I will not work with anyone who is a known offender.
Even if it means letting go of great opportunities. I know that there are times when I have to overlook things (clients demand that we work with a certain vendor, supplier, companies etc). Not anymore. I will put the foot down and ensure that I do not work with known offenders.

While the world is a large large place and its often tough to vet out everyone that you can work with, I will try to work with people that have solid character!

2. I will support whoever wants any help. Personally and professionally.
I am not a trained counsellor but I do understand human emotions and actions and motivations. I would love to talk if you need to talk to someone. I am on saurabh.garg AT gmail.com.

Plus I am happy to pass on some work that may help you get away from a place where you are troubled.

3. At C4E, I will ensure that I put in place a zero tolerance policy towards misconduct towards women. In fact I will ensure that women lead this piece. More on this in subsequent posts. Here and on our work blog.

Thats about it.

I guess.

Nothing has left me as confused and as sorry about the state of affairs as expose of friends and mentors. I mean I have been jobless, homeless, directionless and a lot-of-things-less. And I have seen people die and things break and all that but nothing has affected me as much as this. One of my closest friend often calls me a stone cold brick of ice. And I thought I was. I also called high-functioning sociopath by a friend. And I was proud of it – after all the other high-functioning sociopath is Sherlock the Holmes!

But then I guess I am not. Things do affect me. Things do take a toll. Things need fixing. At least in my head to start with. And then in the world that we live in.

Bas. Enough of rant.

Over and out.

Oh, and I am sorry. Sincerely am.

Saurabh Garg
17 Oct 2018

In the end, as always, a few postscripts.


A. I wish I could do a lot more for the ones that are affected. But I am sincerely out of ideas and am exhausted by seeing what women have been through. I hate that I am an armchair activist. I hate that I am spineless and I cant do shit about it. I hate that I cant stand for anyone. I cant even offer them jobs or anything concrete that could help them get away from the misery. All I can do is cringe and crib and publish a fucking blog!


B. This incident has made me re-look at myself and my personality. So much so that I will probably have to bring in big changes in my life. I am not prepared for those to be honest but I will put in the effort. 


However it would be sad if I end up becoming this cynical individual that puts up these walls around himself. It took me years to break the other walls that I had put myself and I dont know if I want to put more. If you know me, you would know of these walls. 


C. All this anger and listlessness could also be fuelled by the fact that I dont have a house to live in and I am tired (yes I am tired) of living at different places on different nights. Not because its exhausting – I love the feeling of not having a base. But because I cant afford to stay at places that are clean and are accessible and all that. More on this later.

Update – 02 Oct 2018

As I write this, I haven’t written in a while. More than a month. Or if Vivek is to be believed, I’ve made just one post in last two months. I don’t know what’s worse – nothing in a month or just one in two months. Whatever is. The worst of them has to be the fact that I haven’t been writing. Not here, not on my echochamber, not emails and no updates for sure.

I can hide behind a veil and put blame on a million things but of course while I haven’t been writing, I’ve shat, ate, slept and did all those other important and not-so-important chores. The only thing I didn’t do was write!

Despite promises (to self) and assurances (to friends like Krishna), despite knowing that writing give my rooh the much needed sukoon, I did not write. I could not. The words wont flow! And I do not know how to go about getting that flow, to well, flow!

Let me try to change it. Today. This post will be a 1000 words, if not more. And now that I think about it, I will need more than that. After all a lot has happened and lot has to be told (to whoever is listening and to those 30 unknown people that come over to this blog on a daily basis).

So here goes. In neat silos.

House hunt.
This has been clouding my head for the last 15 days. In fact come to think of it, since July of this year, something or the other has made me a slave. First it was work, for almost a month. Then it was another 15 days of work. Then it was the birthday blues. And now its the house!

So, the place I live at? Where I take those gorgeous pictures from? That is no longer mine to stay at. The lease is expiring on the 5th and I need to find a place to live. So, while I have the intent and the ability to pay for an alternate place, I cant seem to find a place that gives me access to the kind of life I want. And you know the funny thing? I don’t want much. Just a little bit of space, a clean house, a nice building and some fresh air. In a city like Mumbai, all this is IMPOSSIBLE to get.

Unless you are an Ambani.
You want fresh air? You can make a house that rises up higher than the highest airplane!
You want space? Go vertical!

The process you undergo to find a house in Mumbai inflicts so many wounds on you that the suffering makes you a philosopher. And these wounds and not just physical – those are easy to heal. These ones are slashes on you conscience, on your heart and brain. Even the damned time cant fill in the gaping voids left by the attacks. I mean when was the last time your life was scrutinized by strangers? How much money do you make? What do you do? Are you a vegetarian? Do you party a lot? And these are the easy ones to answer. There are others that I don’t even want to write about!

And no, I am not a privacy fanatic but the way you ask these questions and the intent with which you ask these is what makes the experience, well, painful!

You need to get past the needless scrutiny from strangers, hoping that they’d like your “profile” and would “allow” you to live at their house. In an ideal world, this would be a fair and equal transaction – both parties would respect each other and all that. However, the landlord in India, has an upper hand. Someone has to fix this. Someone has to change. Some startup needs to disrupt this. Lets see if I get around to working on this. Rant for another day. The fact of the matter remains that I don’t have a house to live in.

Anyhow… the bright side? You save the time and energy and effort you need to go for a digital detox. Or for a a meditation camp. These questions make you question your very existence. You start thinking about the decisions you’ve made in life. Your entire life flashes in front of your eyes. You realize that you’ve made the worst decision of your life by not “investing” in a house when you could. You chased experiences and independence and a life of poverty while you could have slaved worked for a large company and by this time, have enjoyed the perks that come along with a stable naukri. So if your boss is an asshole that makes your life tough? Clients that we work for are the same. Unreasonable. Make life tough. Hard. Demanding. After you go from pillar to post in this country, to look for a house, you realize that your life’s been a damning lie! Everything you did, stood for, dreamt of has no meaning or bearing if you haven’t made it. You know, have enough to have bought a house of your own.

If you are in your 20s and are reading this, unless your parents have 3 houses in a 3 different cities please do NOT chase your muse. Work hard, get that house, even if it binds you to an EMI. It’s ok. You would not have to strip your soul in front of strangers.

Moving on.


36
I am now 36.

That means I am half past the average life span for a healthy adult in India. That means half of my life is over.

And what did I achieve in these 36 years? Nothing. Nada. While I’ve been meaning to do a million things, nothing has moved and there is this gnawing feeling in my gut that keeps me up at night.

I really wish this year takes me closer to where I want to be. And where is that? Amongst the stars! Well, I will be there someday but for the time being, metaphorically. If you are the kinds to trust in God and have a tad of faith, please do pray for me. I can really do with some help!

And yeah I stopped at it abruptly. I don’t mean to rant. Or belittle myself. 

C4E
A lot is up at work. Like I said in my previous month’s newsletter, there have been hits and misses and there have been highs and lows.

But I guess that’s how work will be. Most days you move towards a goal post. You will have those bad days when nothing would happen for you or those one-off days when you actually move backward. But that’s alright.

So, the good (AND the bad news) from work is that I need to work harder than I’ve ever worked in my entire life. And this is that one shot that could give me what I seek – enough “achievements” that stop that thing that is eating me from inside. And enough money that allows me to not go stripping in front of prospective landlords!

Thing with work is that am a tad more emotional about it than the average “worker”. Which is a good thing most days – it makes me do far more than what I would otherwise do. And bad on some days – there are days when am so restless that I cant sleep.

Of course, the number 1 priority remains getting more work. If you know someone wanting to engage an events agency, please point them to me.

Other “work” projects
Apart from C4E, I have a few more projects that occupy me. Lemme talk about those.

onWriting. Well, its sputtering along. Not at the speed with which I would it to go. No, I am not happy about it. It had to be a well-oiled machine cracking at speed that no one else has seen. Need to be faster on it.

TheRedSparrow. Again, sputtering. And the tough part is that we operate in a category that demands content and yet are sputtering. Different reason that onW for the lack in speed but a reason nonetheless. So, need to up the ante!

Podium. Has been dead for over 6 months now. What do I say about it…

And then there are a few other projects that I better not talk about. They are as disappointing as any other.

To summarise, nothing seems to be moving. And from where I see things, I can have the following options.
A. Quit everything. Work on my book.
B. Listen to what every damn person I know has been telling me. Focus on one thing and make it large. So, that one thing that becomes large gives me the cash flow that I can use to hire talent and run the other things? And if I were to indeed focus, which one? onW? TRS? Podium? Or the latest idea to have hit me (the real estate one). 
C. Get a naukri, make those easy million and then retire at Panchgani, in a house next to Vivek’s.
D. These are the options (above) that I see. Do you see any more?

Writing
Well, you know where’s writing. Apart from not working on this blog, a couple of things that I am (not) working on are a, the next book (which should’ve happened in 2015) and b, a non-fiction on lesson’s I’ve learnt! Both are stalled. Both need action.

Oh, and I put Podium under the broad bucket of writing. And that again needs some bit of effort. Lot actually. Not some. 


Sad state.

Health
The bucket is health. Last few days have been really terrible. Since the Delhi trip actually (which is almost three weeks now). I was home and my mum showered all her love in form of paranthas and all that. And for some reason, despite knowing that I ought to eat healthy, I could not say no to her while I was there. And I am back to being the fat, old man that I was before Keto made me a tad fitter.

Oh, I started on Keto yesterday and I plan to do a 15-day cycle at the very least. Lets see where it takes me. Been 2 days and so far so good! I just need to augment this with IF and a bit of workout. I will probably start running. I am, after all, supposed to run with Daksh at the next Delhi marathon. Lets see if I run. Or walk.

Other things
Good things first. Since I moved on from the previous structure at C4E, I have become a tad more social! So, been meeting a lot more people than I was previously. And while it is definitely helpful, I need to now start leveraging this.

I also need to listen to Vivek and get more social. Now on. Starting tonight. Anyone up for a coffee / drinks / dinner at Powai?

In the end
So yeah. I wrote after a while. There’s nothing interesting to an outsider. Mundane life and mundane updates. But then, thats what life is. No? A series of mundane updates!

PS: Thanks Vivek and Krishna.

The Itch. Dubai 2018, Day 12 and 13

The unthinkable has happened. I did not write yesterday.

That means that 10ish day streak I was on has been broken. Ok, let me not be harsh on myself and get on with the post. I’ll just combine the two days. Big deal.

The theme for the day is reflection on the trip. I came here on the 12th (I think). Today is 26th. So I should be on 15th post. Ok, I did not post for the 12th. And this post technically is a reflection on the day gone by. So, 12 is ok. So its been 14 days and I have 2 more days to go.

More than anything else, I have a confession to make. I want to go back (home?). Enough of this sitting around. And thinking. And mental masturbation.

I am NOT made for thinking. I am a doer. The kinds that shoots from the hip. The one that acts first and then thinks.

So, while the trip has been worth it and interesting and I will do this again and again (at least twice every year, if not once a quarter), I think I am done. I am rearing for action. The kinds that makes me so busy that it does not allow me to think. I need have to go back. May be this is what recharging the batteries is all about? Maybe. Maybe not. Right now, I just want to go back and get moving with things.

The point is, BRING IT ON, Universe!


Saurabh Garg
26 April 2018
Dubai

P.S.: This does not really classify as a post per se. Too small for that. But then thats all I had to say. And I havent done anything substantial in the last couple of days. I’ve just been meeting people and they’ve been talking about various opportunities that are available in this region. And they’ve been talking about issues with the region.  


The list of things that I was supposed to do while in Dubai remains unfinished. Not because I did not have time or place. But because I did not work. Simple. I will work on them once am back. I at least know how to work better. I did learn the act of focus (for 2-3 days) when I switched off mobile data (its that simple). By nature I am fickle and have the attention of a Gold Fish and thus need to shut all the external stimuli. #note2self! 

P.P.S.: Next time I go for a holiday break like this, I will live (and work) at a Roam. I dont know if they are expensive but I know that I would love to have things managed for me. 


P.P.P.S.: Oh the one thing that I’ve loved about this place is all the cosmopolitan exposure that this place gives you. I need to write on this. May be tomorrow. Till then, over and out.


P.P.P.P.S.: Now that I’ve been jobless for a bit, I do not understand the ones that do nothing and just sit around. It must be such a terrible way to live life? Any first hand experiences? 

Untitled. Dubai 2018, Day 11

Back again. For a change, I dont have much to write about. You see, for a change I was busy working. And means I did not have time to observe things Or think of things. The kind of life that I love. If you take away work from my life, I dont know what I’d do 🙁

Anyhow, the day was pretty ok. I got one HUGE thing ticked off my to-think list. I mean its still WIP but I have made considerable progress on it. If that clicks, the trip would’ve paid for itself. Wish me luck! 

The other thing I need to capture is that I ate a large lunch! That meant I was feeling bloated for a few hours. Need to listen to my body lot more. I did compensate by not eating a big dinner. And because I was this irregular, I ended up eating some toast and jam late night. I sinned. Twice over. A, I ate carbs. And B, I ate em at night. Not cool at all.

I think I am beginning to get into a rhythm with eating less and abstaining from eating things that dont add up. I just need to augment this with more water and some exercise. As a next step, I need to read more on longevity and make changes in my environment that help me reach my fitness and health goals (and what are those? Live healthy till I am atleast 120. And why would you want to live that long short? Well, I can write a book on it! Lets drop it for the time being). 

Continuing with the food thread, among other things that I discovered on this trip, two things will probably top the list. A, roasted almonds. And B, peanut butter. Since I am trying Keto and IF at the same time (failing at Keto, blame it on Dubai), I am trying to cut all carbs from my system. This means that I am left with proteins and fats and peanut butter is a great option. And I am loving the taste. And the convenience. Remember I kept saying I’d pop a pill if it gave me my nutrition? Well this is it! Pill. In the shape of almonds and peanut butter. Damn this is making me hungry as I write this. 

And what do I love about them? Among other things, the crunch! See, I’ve always loved crunch. Look at my addiction to Papad (I refuse to call it Papadum – the fuck is that? Its Papad!).

So yeah. This is about it for Day 11. Onward to 12.

Saurabh Garg
23 April 2018
Dubai

Back of inane-ness. Dubai 2018, Day 10

So, the day.

I would’ve slept for like 8 hours yesterday. And when I woke up, I was not really fresh and all that but was groggy. I think the ideal hours for me is probably 6. I need to discover this. #note2self: find out the optimal sleep thing. 

Thanks to the whack in the head while I was writing post for day 9, I finished reading Bradbury’s Zen in the Art of Writing. I am glad that I read this book. If you are a writer, you HAVE to read the book. I know that I will add this to my like of Superbooks and will go back to it again and again. Next book that I am going to read is Murakami on running. I’ve read this earlier but I think I will revisit this.

***

So, today I want to talk about the kindness of pseudo-strangers. Pseudo-strangers because while there is common thread, common background, I dont really know them.

Since I’ve come here, apart from not working, I’ve tried to keep myself busy by meeting people that I’ve known from previous life (MDI etc.). And I am surprised at the reception I’ve got. Each person I’ve met has been kind. They gave me their time, their homes and most importantly, their respect. Something that I am not used to – considering I am not really a big deal and all I do is events.

I think living in a different country does that you. You are so far from home that any thread, anything that connects you back to your roots, you welcome that. Each person I met had a connection to me – MDI, friends of friends etc.

#note2self: How about a business that takes advantage of this pining for home? 

Lemme talk about one person in specific. The dude am living with here. We grew up together in a lower-middle class part of Delhi. And he is a Punjabi that went to shadiest schools possible. Not because his parents couldnt afford the school but because he wasnt the kinds to study – so why waste money? Fast forward to 2018. Today, he manages a business in Dubai that has about 20 full-time employees. And has some 250 clients – most of them firangs. Lemme recap. A Punjabi from Delhi can manage firangs and employees from 5 nationalities.

And how’s he able to do this? He got thrown into the deep end of the pool – Dubai in this case – and came out on top. When was the last time I threw myself into a deep pool? While he was in India, he was one of those resourceful, hardworking and funny kinds. In India, he lived in comfort, with his parents. At Dubai, he’s had to figure out things for himself. And that figuring out probably made the man he’s become. Dubai has been his coming of age.

I know for a fact that I need to come of age. I need to grow up. And I cant seem to find a way to do so. Do I need a jolt like that? Will it make sense to change countries? Change career? P.S.: This is the third trigger that I can remember (first one was Jan Chipchase’s newsletter, second is all these friends that are moving to Canada / Australia etc.).

May be I will. If things dont work out by end of this year, I promise I will.


Adding this to my Asana (link here). And is this how seeds are planted in your head? You think of something. You write it down. And you start thinking about it. Letting it simmer in your head. Till the raw ingredients turn into this gravy that you can resist? And to a point where you are so consumed by the idea that you cant think of anything but that. That idea. 

The other thing that I realised while I am here is that entropy is such a strong phenomenon. Ok, wait. Entropy for me does not mean the thermodynamics one. But the one where it means “a gradual decline into disorder.”

My interpretation is that if left to itself, most systems will reduce themselves into ashes. They will move towards the path of least resistance and stop striving. Most people will not want to work. They will become sloths. Easier way to explain? A man will do whatever it takes to NOT think about things. Find excuses – AC is not working, my head hurts, there is a monster under my bed, I am menstruating (dont kill me for this – I know of women who work harder when they are in obvious distress), I hurt my foot, I am sleepy, tired, my parents need me etc.

The same person, in same breath, with all the issues plaguing his existence will be happy to switch on Netflix and chug onto some beer. No? I bet my ass they will.

You see deep work is hard. Wait. Deep thinking is harder. And to find examples of people shunning this deep thinking work, I dont have to go far. I am a living testimony. I am supposed to think hard about how to position C4E as a business. And I am doing anything but that. I am trying to not think and I am filling my time with blogs, books, ideas, thoughts and mental masturbation.

Just struck me. I somehow have all the time in the world. I mean I have this bed that I wake up from. I get ready in about 20 minutes. There is no breakfast (trying IF) and then I walk to the local Starbucks (20 minutes walk) and by 8:30 I am on my computer. Working. Or pretending to work. Or whatever. I am done by 1. I go back. Sleep for an hour. Restart work at 2. And then I am done by 7ish. And then I have time to go for walks, gym etc (which I dont do). There is no one trying to get your attention. There is hardly any pesky meetings that will take forever to conduct. You are by yourself. If I had the talents of a solopreneur, I promise I would have moved to fucking Thane and probably beyond – air would’ve been cleaner, life would be slower and I’d get lot more done. Maybe I should. It wont be that bad (if I can get maker-manager going).

The point is, if things are managed for you (making bed, cleaning etc), you can be lot more productive. Maybe once I am go back, I need to put this in motion? Spend money to manage things so that I have all the time for myself?

Also, the maker-manager thing brings another thought to head. For context, maker-manager (thanks Paul Graham) says that you divide your week into working days (where you create things) and meeting days (where you manage others, do meetings etc). My addition to this is that you keep a tab on every chunk of 10 mins (probably learned this from Tim Urban). And you get anal about how you spend it. Every minute that you are up, you ought to spend on things that move you ahead. And you need to be ruthless about things that dont add up, or push you ahead.

Which essentially makes life boring, predictable and well, drab. I mean is this how life is supposed to be? This mechanical? I am not sure if all those businessmen (Neeraj Kanwar comes to mind) live drab lives. I am not sure all those filmstars have boring lives. Or may I dont see the grind that they go through to be able to enjoy life? Maybe we just see a fraction of a fraction of their life (when they are dressed well and are hobnobbing with other celebrities or posting those fabulous pics on Instagram)?

And assuming you slog it out over the next 5 years, make that billion dollars. Then what? I mean you’d probably be conditioned into thinking about work and work only. If you had all that money and all that clout what would you do?


I have an answer! Use that to try and change the world. Enable other people. Make lives better. And if not better, happier for sure. How? By being that jester!

***

Brings me to the last piece for the day. Guess who’s the easiest person to fool? The one who’s not as well read as you? The one who’s a simpleton? The one cant speak well?

Nah. The person easiest to fool is yourself. Dont know who said this but as I grow up, I am realising how true this is! I’ve been fooling myself for sure. For way too long. Into thinking that I am working hard. But maybe I am not. Maybe I am merely pushing paper? Need to think Mr. Garg. 6 5 days to go. And as they say, if not now, when?

***

Oh, I said yesterday that I am done with Coke. Yet I had 2. And as I write this, I am on to the third one. Sigh. Is there a way out? Help me!!

Saurabh Garg
23 April 2018
Dubai

P.S.: These posts are sounding lot more like meditations. 


Hah, you wish! 
Of course! Like Marcus, I am on this quest to learn more things all the time. AND improve myself! Not just in one chosen vocation. But as an individual. 


And why do you want to do that?
Well, remember what Joker said? I am like that dog thats chasing a car. He just loves the chase. He wont know what to do with it, if he catches is. So, I am merely chasing a better me. I dont know what I’d do once am there. May be I will once I reach there?