Category: Personal

84.3

The other day I was at my cousin’s place. Since he just got that home, hes got tons of shiny objects that I love to play with. One of them was a weighing scale, the kinds you see at expensive hotels. And now when I have been running intermittently and controlling my food intake, I decided to measure the impact. I ought to have lost a lot of weight in last 6 months! All the hard work has to pay off. I had kept a serious tab on my fetish for junk food and cola. I was bound to have lost weight.

With butterflies in my stomach and a heart that was jumping so hard that it could pop out of my throat, I tapped on the scale to activate it and then I stepped on it. To measure myself.

They say when you face death, time flows slower and the entire life somehow flashes past your eyes. And that is what happened when I saw the number on the weighing scale. I was struck by a lightening. As ferocious as it would have been when the day of reckoning would have tormented mother Earth. When all Dinosaurs perished and when we were engulfed in a white storm. The time stood still. 

And like all victims of calamities that us humans cant control, I went through the following five stages of emotions – anger, denial, question, acceptance and depression.

It started with my pent up anger coming to surface. I was angry at myself for letting the athletic me of the late  nineties to have become the fatso of now. Like most things in life, I did not plan for my inflated belly but I know that I could have controlled it. And to be honest it does not take much to do so. And yet I let is grow like crazy. To a point where I cant breathe after even little exertion.

Next up was denial. When I tried to tell myself that its not me and may be the weighing scale has made some mistake. May be the scale was rigged and its a conspiracy against me and my weight loss mission. May be its an attempt to derail me from writing the Nidhi Kapoor story.

And then the question. I questioned Mother Nature. I asked about her decision to punish me. Me of all her 7 billion children. There are times when you want her to select you and shower you with goodies but at times like these when she singles you out and slaps you hard in the face, you wonder, why me.

I realized that like lot of other things this has been forced upon me. Yes, I am responsible for a large part of it. And I accepted the way I am. I told myself that I’d be happy and try to live with my chin held high. I would close my eyes everytime I see someone who is fitter and leaner. That in reality means that I walk like a blind man, for everyone else around me is fitter and leaner than I. But since I have accepted to live with this, I shall do so.

But the hard part is to actually do it everyday. Day after day. Hour after hour. Minute after minute and second after second. There is no way I can keep depression away from my head. Not about my poverty or about my thinning bank balance. But about my uncontrollable weight. Whatever I have tried, may not be much. But it definitely is not working. The only options left for me, as I see, are either to go into the sharan of Nirmal Baba, or renounce from this material life and goto the mountains. But I think going to mountains requires serious commitment and effort. But then, I wish I was the kinds to put in effort 🙁

Nine years of blogging

Its 9 years since I started writing this blog.

This would go down in history as yet another stat, that only 2 people are interested in – one me and the other, my alterego. In twitter dialect, we would call it #uselessStat. There are more #uselessStats that I can share here – number of readers, numbers of visitors, hits etc. But then who cares. Apparently its engagement that rates higher than stats on online media properties. And on engagement parameters, if not negative, I score a zero. I have often tried to find a reason for it but I havent been able to. Engagement is zero, may be because I am not a writer (or a photographer or a social media expert or funny or sarcastic or something). Would you guys know of this? Can someone help me figure out? No, I cant pay money but I can give references and I can give credit.

Coming on to my 9 years, these have been brilliant to say the least. I have loved every bit of these 9 long years. Amongst other things, I have been fortunate to meet some great people and as a result, have learnt quite a few things. Blogging is one of those decisions that I cant stop thanking myself for (#shamelessSelfPromotion). If I had my way, I would ask everyone to experiment with it, at least once.

And like everything else that I do, I have done various experiments with this blog. Some of the noteworthy ones include…

  • A private blog. I made this a private blog and closed access to the world. I allowed just a handful of people. No one took a note, not even the ones I invited. I let it remain an invite only blog for a bit and then I reverted to the regular boring open-to-all blog. I reazlied I was missing the entire point of writing a blog – self expression, in an attempt of “getting discovered”. 
  • Make money from the blog. There was a time when the entire world decided that twitter is the way to go and the number of serious writers reduced. And then at the same time, the crop of new generation that spends copious amounts of time on the Internet, was yet to grow up. Those were sunshine days for my blog with lot of traffic and lot of comments. And then I got this email from Google that said I could make money. I got lured in and I tried it for exactly 6 days. I did make 60 cents, I think, but that was about it and I shut it down.
  • Get serious about writing. I started writing about myself and things that were important to me. Somewhere along the way, I got deluded into believing that I could bring about change with limited understanding of life and world. And I tried that by writing serious things and detailed posts. And I failed miserably. I learnt my lessons and I have moved on from that. Now I merely talk about things I see and observe. 

Despite all these failed experiments, thankfully, for whatever reasons, I never fell in the trap of publishing pictures of cats talking in bad grammar or publishing top ten lists about every obscure thing on the internet or participating in trolls on the Internet. I though, however, want to create a photoblog, a travel blog, a writing blog and a poker blog. May be sometime soon.

But this has remained an individual’s blog for all these years and will hopefully remain that. A place where I talk about things that interest me and things that I am keen on. I do chase serendipity like crazy. There are times that my interests have a broad base and this is when I get to meet interesting people. I believe that the concept of happy accidents is a brilliant thing. And the blog has helped me get involved in these accidents often. In fact one of the key reasons to continue with writing, despite almost no new visitors, is the hope that some more lucky accidents would happen.

Thats about it. Ideally there should be a cake cutting and all that but I think I will leave it for the 10th anniversary. Come to think of it, 9 years is a long long time. When I started, I would have been 21. I had no clue I would continue for this long. Pat on the back, Mr. Garg.

Oh, btw, is it 9th or the 10th year? I started in 2004!

Lowest point of my life

Alert. Extremely personal. If you know me, read on. If you dont, please dont judge me by this. If you dont care, treat this as fodder to your voyeuristic instincts.

So ever since I can remember I have always wanted to be rich. And when I say rich, I want to be filthy rich. So much so that I want to conquer the Antilla and get more famous than Bill, Steve or Warren. I always belived that money for me is like a means (not n end) to achieve larger goals.

Mukesh Ambani’s Antilla

Little did that I know that in pursuit of money, I am becoming have become a slave to money. Its on my mind all the time and I cant think of anything but money. I keep track of every rupee I spend I try to cut corners and save as much as I can. Guess nothing wrong with it but today something happened that opened my eyes.

The incident, I will not go in the details, happened and I lost 2 lakhs. No fault of mine or anyone else. It just happened and the money just away. I mean I will get it back on Monday most probably but as of now I am down by 2 lakhs. No, I did not lose it in poker and neither did I misplace it. It just happened. And I go so furious about it that I almost broke my laptop and seethed in anger for a good part of the morning and evening. I yelled at my really good friend and I squarely blamed him for the fiasco (and I live with this guy FYI). I cant say he was not at fault but I was equally at fault. I was surprised at myself for the way I was reacting and talking to my friend. As I write this, its making me even more awful about the entire thing.

This has to be the lowest point of my life. I have never felt so bad and so small about things.

But lesson learnt and time to move on. The amount may not be small by any standards but its definitely not that big that it makes me lose my calm and boil my blood. Its one life and we have a very very short span here. Cant waste in getting angry over trivialities.

Like these guys said…

From now on, am no longer a slave to money and its allure.

On Gratitude, Restlessness and Yearning

1. The ones who know me since I was a kid, would know how huge a fan I was of Lucky Ali when I was growing up. So much so that while I was in college, I made this huge website dedicated to him (to bad it was on geocities and I dont have any copies of it). Back then, it became a reason. I couldnt stop thinking about his music and the website. I tracked every visitor and updated every broken link multiple times a day. Now, in 2012, it sounds funny and inane, considering what 19 year olds create now. But those were the days and there I was.

2. There is this show on MTV that probably is inspired by Coke Studio, which in turn is probably inspired by some other famous show from the west, that invites amazing musicians and puts them on a stage and ask them to perform their best tracks, unplugged and slightly tweaked for the live audience. And to jazz up the offering, it makes these artists talk about the music and why and how of their music. So much so that there are times you get to hear behind the scenes conversations between these guys. Nevertheless, it reveals, to some extent, what the artist was thinking while writing that song.

3. This video. And the brief interpretation of the lyrics by Lucky. And to be honest, all music by him.

4. sgMS. And everything about her. And I. And how Lucky’s interpretation/reason for O Sanam is so apt, so befitting, so true about sgMs and I. And that after all these years, the realization that the song I loved as a kid will actually become a true story some day. And my story at that. 

5. Nights in Mumbai are brilliant. You may think that the city is fast asleep, but its not. Under the covers, everyone is dreaming about something or the other. Then, there are people on the road who dont really have a place to goto and there are some who dont want to goto any place and just stay on the move (like me, dunno if everyone loves the feeling of being on the move as heady as it is to me). Each lost in his/her own world. And in their dreams – after all this is the city where dreams can come true. Some of them actually do. And each person, each dream has a story that could make you envious.

6. I, alone. With nothing but music. And a million thoughts swirling around in my head. Ranging from music to life to travel to poker to money to dreams to “holocaust to quality of cucumbers in winters“. And the sad bit is that I cant seem to find any answers to any of these genuine questions despite the Mensa membership and all that.

Club all the 6 above together (Apart from this list thing, I dont think I could have written this any better). I dont know the nature of resulting concoction but its like that amrit that makes you restless, fills you with gratitude and makes you yearn. All at the same time.

Restless because despite trying everything, there is something that binds you to her. Because despite trying everything you cant seem to get over her. Even her rebuttals, her insults, her public display of affection for everyone else refuse to work. And funnily she if of the same opinion.

Gratitude for people like Lucky Ali for cooking ups songs and stories like these. And for people on the streets of Mumbai. And their dreams. And all the efforts they put in. Everything gives you inspiration and hope to continue to work and pray that someday the hardwork is redeemed.

And finally, yearning. Yearning for achievement, for greatness, for immortality. And for sgMS.

Mumbai Part 2. Day 2. King of Wishful Thinking

Today was officially day 2 of my second innings in Mumbai. Hopefully this innings is as fruitful as the first one. Under this tag, I plan to chronicle my time and adventures in the city that never sleeps (who coined this term btw?)

So the day was not really special. I woke up with groggy eyes to the sound of someone banging the bedroom door. For a minute I thought it was an earthquake and someone is here to save me. But them I heard the maid yell something about no washing powder in the bathroom. Confused, I looked around and I realized it was not my bed. It wasnt even my room or my home. And this is when it dawned on me that I was in Mumbai, sleeping on the floor of a friend’s room. I yelled something at the maid and looked around for some water to help me wake up. No no, I dont splash my eyes with it. My machinery needs a couple of glasses of warm salt water to get started. And lo and behold, there wasnt any water, leave alone warm, or salted. There is something about water that makes me want as much as I can. I am known to have copious amounts everyday and as a result visit the John one too many times. Wait, let me go grab my glass of water.

So no hot water, unfamiliar bed and a pesky maid beating the door started my day. Note to self, once I have a house of mine, the maid will not come until I wake up (maybe after 9 AM) and if she does come before I wake up, she shall not disturb me, at any cost.

Next up was the battle to find a place to live. I mean I cant be sleeping on this floor for rest of my life. I have to find a place that I could call my own. I have thought about it a million times, the way I would do up my place, make it my den. Too bad I cant afford a place by myself. Side note, by the end of 2013, I have to have a place just to myself. So with real estate prices going up faster than petrol and gold, I had to find a place to live quick. For, every day’s delay could mean even more money to be paid as rentals. So first thing I did after I woke up, was to fill up forms on all the classified websites of the world – olx, quickr, magicbricks etc. And this is where the memories of 2007 came back. For some reason Mumbai does not want to rent out places to bachelors. Especially bald ones. I dont know why. May be its a risk profile thing, the way I had at GE for issues home loans (for example, back in 2005, if you were older than 28 and living with your parents, we couldnt give you a loan).

So I filled all the forms and it started the flurry of endless calls from brokers and “agents” who would talk more and hear less. They assumed I was someone related to Mr. Mallaya and had all the money in the world. But moment I told them that I am a bachelor, they would leave me alone, the way Mr. Mallaya was left alone in the last few days of Kingfisher (disclaimer: I am a shareholder) and have excuses as funny as, “my wife’s calling me. can I call you back sir”.

Finally someone, sent specially by God agreed to show us a place. Went to see it. Like if but was too expensive to afford. Such is life! Sigh!

In the meanwhile, it was time for lunch. Went ahead and feasted on amazing sandwiches and french fries. Next up was recee to a site that a friend is considering for his business (disclaimer: though its his idea and his money, I am helping him with the venture). Post that I had to drop him to the station to catch his train. A little adventure ensued.

Dropped him somehow in time and went ahead to meet another friend. This one just got promoted to a CD post, which is an achievement, considering he’s got just 5 years of experience under his belt. Discussed few ideas and a lot of things with him. May get to work with him on something that we want to paddle to business schools. If I get to, it would be awesome cos he is one of the most intelligent and creative people I know and then I would be talking to college kids, something that excites me.

Dropped him and went to another friend’s place who fed me her world famous Rajma Chawal. She is thinking of a venture as well. I like what she is thinking of. Dont have a lot of money but made my first angel investment (on her business). Left her place and got caught by a cop. The car I was driving, dint have papers. Had 300 bucks in the wallet. Gave 200 bucks to him. Yes, a bribe (Arvind Kejriwal and his cronies, are you reading this?) and drove back home. I wish I had the political contacts to get away without having papers and all.

And I am home, writing this and planing for the day tomorrow before I sleep. And yes before I sleep, I shall brush my teeth. Something’s gotta change, now that I am in Mumbai (more on this soon).

Finally, no I did not miss sgMS. And, yes, like they say,

I’ll get over you..
I know I will
I’ll pretend my ship’s not sinking
And I’ll tell myself I’m over you
’cause I’m the king of wishful thinking

I am the fucking king of wishful thinking.


P.S.: How many times did I promise something in parentheses on my blog and actually did it? Someone’s keeping a tab?

Conversation with myself, on Ajmal Kasab

Today, I woke up to the news of Ajmal Kasab’s execution. And to be honest, I was indifferent towards it. Ofcourse there was this curiosity to know more about it. Ajmal Kasab and his case has to be the most famous case in the country – for what he did was amongst the worst a human can do to another humans. I woke up and read about it and despite all the witty, sarcastic, patriotic, inflammatory and useless comments about it, I remained indifferent. Probably its the classic case of “not my problem”. Or may be like most other things, I grew so tired of all the debate and discussions around it that I had shut my head to anything about it. Or may be its plain, good old indifference?

I dont know. And I cant seem to find an answer. Apart from the indifference about it, the execution has left me with conflicting thoughts to be honest. On one hand, I dont support capital punishment and on the other, I want the guilty (especially of the attack) to be punished. I appreciated the way the Govt. handled the entire issue and at the same time I loathed hated all the rejoicing that was going around. End of the day he was a human being and its barbaric as a society to celebrate someone else’s killing. But like someone pointed on twitter, our biggest festival is all about victory of good over evil by killing of the Ravana and making him pay for his misdeeds.

There are no easy answers to this debate. More than taking a side and answering anyone else, I am struggling really hard to be to true to myself and find answers. I am hating all this uncertainty and indecisiveness. I actually revel in uncertainty and celebrate freedom that comes with it. Though my fickle mindedness is legendary, I am not undeceive at all. I hate waiting for decisions. In fact I take fast decisions. And I take so many of those (is this why I am fickle minded?) that it at times is a blur. More food for thought.

You know (who am I talking to by the way? Myself?) I was actually in Mumbai when the attacks happened. I was tucked away in one remote corner when Kasab and his gang went about firing and killing innocent civilians. To be honest, I was not afraid, even for a minute. I think because I dont really know what terminal danger looks like. And I am the kinds who believes that nothing that is an outlier, could happen to me (including stoke of extraordinary luck). But then since I consume so much media, I could sense the anger, pain, frustration and helplessness in the ordinary Indian.

Is the execution of Kasab an answer to these emotions? I sincerely hope it is. Hate to see so much potential being squandered away over fruitless discussions and mental orgasm. As a capitalist, I cant really understand where do people get the time to practise religion. There is so much to do and so much to achieve and yet people tend to waste their time. Every day is a new day. Why cant we get up and live each day to the fullest?

I hope that the ones who lost their loved ones in the entire episode have found some kind of closure. That to be is the only good thing about this execution. Hope they sleep better now. Hope they wake up tomorrow with renewed vigour and enjoy all the blessings that Mother Earth has showered on us. The world is indeed beautiful out there.

Recruiting a Boss. Applications anyone?

Today, I logged onto my dreamhost account after ages (read few months). It has more than 20 domains that I have booked over the years. These include saurabhgarg.com, cyntax.in, the entire DIY line, madewith, klpd, ODID, offbeat etc. Each domain corresponds to an idea that I had wanted to work on. And each domain corresponds to an idea that I did not work on. Am not too sure if any idea was a winner per se but the sad part is that I did not even try. And to put things in perspective, there are ideas that I dont have a domain for but they are idling in my dropbox, desktop and evernote. (Side note to self – work on consolidating all the information and put in place a information management plan.)

Apart from everything else, this long list is a painful reminder of the fact that I suck at execution. I may take pride in my ability to conjure ideas every minute of my waking time but I have realized that mere popping up of these light bulbs will not take me anywhere. Need to put pen to paper. Here is a quote. I dont know who said it. It just popped into my head, like all those ideas…

An idea, not executed, is not an idea!

Thus to qualify as an ideas person, I need to execute some idea and take it to completion. Over the next few weeks, I would be single mindedly focussed on execution. And I will put deadlines and tasks and goals in place and I will take one idea and take it to closure. Any idea. Even if its bad. Just to see if I have it in me to take an idea from beginning and finish it.

Another unrelated observation. One of my ex-employers told me once upon a time that I am brilliant employee to have and yet I would make a really bad owner. That time I dismissed it as yet another pep talk to get me to work harder. Now, the writing on the wall looks so much clearer. I now know what he meant.

But being the stubborn and overconfident fuck I am, I refuse to yield till I give things one more shot. This time till 31 Mar 13. However to help me expedite things, I want to recruit someone, to be my boss. Someone who constantly nudges me and forces me to do. And like all recruitment offers, I can put some kind of compensation on the table. Can telecommute and just need to give about 5 minutes of your time, everyday. Apart from compensation and awesome working hours, perks include, boasting rights, if I manage to do something. Any takers? Application shall be considered with strictest of confidence.

Thats it for the time being. Over to you, Execution.

Thank You Nilam

Forget Sandy. India, we have our own hurricane. And like all hurricanes in the US of A are named after women (why? can someone tell me please?), someone aped the big brother and our hurricane is called Nilam (with an I). Not very creative if you ask me. We had better options in Priyanka, Aishwarya, Sunita, Babli etc. Anyways so here I am in Chennai where I know exactly one person, apart from my office peeps. When I was coming here, I thought I would extend the day and hustle around for a business idea that I have been working on for last few weeks.

So I got over with my meeting, which went rather bad, and promptly decided to visit someone that I thought I could partner with. Little did I know that A, those guys are American and hence they shut down by 5 and B, there was Nilam, wrecking havoc in Chennai. I mean the impact of Nilam has been far from adverse – at max, we have had a few fallen trees, really wild winds and incessant showers. But we live in the era where media loves to exaggerate things and everyone I know plays it safe. I mean I asked atleast 5 people if they want to goto the beach and experience the true might of Nilam first hand but all of them chickened out. Guess not everyone is as frivolous as I am.

Made me realize that a city, a place is all about people. The fact that I thought I know enough people there and yet I couldnt get company, sucked! If I was prepared, I would have planned for something – I would have read about it, I would have carried a camera, I would have seen something that needs seen. Or I would have idled time, seeping in scenes and smells from the new city, like I do when I travel. But this time I was caught off guard and it sucked. There was nothing at all to do.

And this is when the idea man in me said, why not look for a place where I could sit and write. I immediately ruled out my hotel. Not a lot of reasons, but this time, I was booked into a hotel where the tiny 15″ wall mounted TV was two miles away from the bed and there was a wash basin in the room. Ok I am painting a far worse picture but I think TV was indeed larger than 15″ but I am not kidding about the washbasin in the room – I did use it to dry my shoes afterall. So my room was not really inspiring as a place and there was no table and I thought I could goto a coffee shop and write, the way I do when I am in Mumbai or Delhi. So I set course for a known and famous coffee shop. I think I left my office at 6 and by 8 the driver was still trying to find his way! Google maps was acting weird and all I could see around me was traffic. And when I did reach the shopping mall that housed the coffee shop, it was shut! Why? because someone had issued some advisory about Nilam!

By this time, I had lost it and I was yelling at everything that moved, including the cow munching onto I dont know what. The I-yelled-at-following list could boast of fancy names like the KFC till-man, the driver of my car, the policeman that was trying to man the traffic, the security guard, the gatekeeper at the mall.

I realized that I was pissed off for no reason. May be because I dint get to name the Hurricane or something! The thought about cities and what gives them life and what makes them important, endearing, mesmerizing, popular, safe, grand etc kept swirling in my head. And I had no answer. May be this is why I was angry. I tried to reason with myself and discover the reason for my anger.

And then like lightening, it dawned onto me. I was hungry! I had to eat! And thats what I did. I promptly went to a Simran’s, had awesome Appams and went off to sleep, next to the wash basin that is.

The Eco Mode

I keep saying that whatever I know about life and things, I learnt it all at MDI. Take, Eco Mode for example. I define Eco mode as a time when you stop splurging and live on base essentials. Ofcourse none of the academic courses taught us the Eco mode. I learnt it while I was playing Counter Strike for 7 hours on the trot, night after night, for two years.

So Counter Strike is a simple first person shooter team game where you are part of either a terrorist team or a counter terrorist squad. If you are a T, your objective is to keep a guard on hostages or blow up a designated site with a C4. If you are a CT, you need to rescue the hostages or prevent the bombing. Each team can have as many players but the game is best enjoyed as a team of 5. The game is played in rounds where each round is a mission and you need to complete a designated number of missions to win the game. Each game requires you to buy weapons that come in all shapes, sizes and costs. Often, the kind of weapon you are carrying makes a big impact on the game play. And to make things more interesting, you have certain amount of money when you start and you warn money if you kill opponents, achieve objectives etc. A very common strategy used by teams is to not buy anything at all for a few rounds so that they may save up for important rounds later on. This mode, is commonly called the Eco Mode by the gamers.

When I played counter strike, most of the times, I loved playing as a frontrunner where I get a shotgun or a rifle and blast through enemy defenses. There were a few times however when I played as a Sniper. And that meant buying the most expensive gun. That in turn meant that I had to go Eco for multiple rounds before I could buy the Magnum, the gun of choice.

So, the decision to go Eco was preceded by expectation of a big round where you had to perform well to have a better long term impact on the game. Compare this with life. When you are expecting that the next few month/years would decide how you end in life, the wisdom from CS tells you that you need to go Eco. Eco in real life would mean stop spending on things that you are not required to survive. For example, all the expenses on fancy gadgets, expensive clothes, magnanimous hobbies, things to show off and pieces of comfort need to be completely stopped.

And that’s where I am. I got into the Eco Mode on 1 Aug 2012 and it shall remain enforced till I save enough to last me 18 months. If I was to put a number, I think it will be about 30K a month for next 18 months. About 5 lakhs. If I could stay in the Eco mode, I think it would take about 18 months to reach this goal. There we are. Eco for 18 months. Looks unlikely since I have to anyways make some capital expenses every six months, on things like clothes, computers etc.

Back then, when I played Counter Strike, somehow Eco Mode always worked out. A couple of us would go to the Eco Mode and save enough to get ourselves Magnums. And then once we had the fancy guns, we would shoot better and get more points. It would become a positive feedback loop that allowed us to do more with more and spiral into awesomeness.

So let’s see if this Eco mode lasts the 18 months and if the lessons that I learnt with Counter Strike hold true in real life!

Just another Thursday morning

Wrote this on Thursday. Sounded depressing enough and dint publish. That time had decided to wait for a few days, do a review and then publish. 

It’s a Thursday morning. The entire country is celebrating rakhabandhan and I am alone in my office, staring at my screen for at least an hour now. It’s about 11 and I already look like a zombie. Actually there is a higher chance of someone looking like a zombie in the morning than at nights. Took two sleeping pills last night and yet dint get no sleep. Had a hearty breakfast and yet I am hungry. I have had gallons of water since 9 and my tongue and throat is still dry. So dry that I can barely speak. The temperature outside in Delhi is low 40 (Celsius scale) and its humid like Delhi is some equatorial jungle. The ACs in office obviously do not work and yet I have this bad bad cold. The whole respiratory system, starting with the nose, going up to the head, travelling down the throat to the lungs, is choked. I am breathing with my mouth and despite that, I am breathless. The head is throbbing like someone is kicking a football under the skin of my head. Every other muscle, tissue of my body is hurting so much that I can actually count the number of muscles in my body. Reminds me of Vipassana where it took all the effort in the world to gain equanimity and track just one muscle. Here I am, with a tacit awareness about each part, each limb, each muscle, each tissue. And more. My to-do list is miles long and yet I don’t know where to start. There are three exciting ideas that I can work on but I don’t want to. I am chasing greatness and immortality through my work and I have no clue how to go about it. None of my regular methods of distracting my head seems to be working. Poker seems like a game of luck, music sounds repetitive, cant seem to focus while reading, movies are just too long, eating does not give me that contentment any more. I have tried it all and yet I cant seem to get my head sorted. If I was myself, I would have been really excited and would have had a hard time sitting at one place. 

There is also this restlessness in my head and in my thoughts. I am snapping at my parents, friends, coworkers for no reason. Its like 2009 all over again when things really got out of hand. There is some kinda turmoil and I don’t know what is causing it. Everything is going well for me. I mean I make enough money to survive and take care of my responsibilities. My work, despite being bad, is better than what most other people my age are doing. My family is doing good and is thankfully sorted. My friends, though in different cities, are all doing well and I know I can count on them. And yet I am restless and I have no clue why or how. Last time around, in 2009, I left my job, came back to Delhi and then dint bother myself with things for a few weeks. This time, I am in Delhi and there is no place else that I could run to. I dont even have sgMS anymore who always gives me that peace, that contentment that I crave for all the time. 

To add on, its funny that despite all of this bullshit in my head, I am full of hope. Hope that the greatness that I chase is just around the corner. I have started making that extra little effort that is the gap between good and great. I can see the results already. All the lucky coincidences have started happening yet again. I am the new king of rivers (a post on this in a bit) and I have won more games on river in last few days than in my entire life. I somehow know that it’s that time when it’s either now or it is never. The next few months would define how rich would I die. I would obviously either die a pauper or a billionaire. There is no other way. There cant be. Things havent been designed like that. Its in the fucking air. I can feel it. I know its coming. May it is the expectation that is keeping me awake at nights. 

But then, thats not the point of the post on a Thursday. And here is the million dollar question. Is this what clinical depression all about? Frequent mood swings, sleeplessness, tendency to overeat, lack of concentration et al? Do I need to go see a Shrink?

A real-life coward

A couple of days back, I was going to meet my agony aunt. I was in Gurgoan and I was driving at may be 40 and was singing out loud to my music. There are a few big decisions I needed to take and I wanted her opinion. I was thinking of all the things that I wanted to talk to her about. And I heard a loud noise. I was in an accident!

The other vehicle was a taxi, plying for Spicejet (I would come to Spicejet bit in a minute). The taxi was being driven the way taxis are driven – fast, furious, reckless and brash. I was driving the way I drive. And there was a blind turn. The crash was inevitable.Thankfully no one got hurt in the accident. The two cars got damaged like crazy. Especially mine is beyond recognition.

What had to happen, happened. But right after the crash, at least twenty other taxi drivers ganged up against me. They surrounded me from all sides, hurling abuses at me. Since everyone in an armchair activist, everyone had their version of the story and everyone seemed angry. At least two of them even held my shirt collar. They pushed me around and put my back against a wall. No one hit me but if I had opened my mouth and had uttered a single word, it would have been ugly and I would have been bashed up like crazy. I was held hostage by all these people, most of them dint really have a business being there, and I could not do a thing!

It was broad daylight and there were atleast 100 other spectators. The worst part, the damn voyeurs were actually laughing and enjoying the show. Not a single soul bothered to even try and help me. All the empty noises that I make about being a hero, standing up for what you think is right, being strong, being confident and all that, came flashing in front of my eyes. I was destroyed. I dint know if I was to voice my thoughts and get killed for real or if I was to become a coward and stand there with my head hanging like a guilty man.

At that instant, I realized that I am only good when the person in front of me is logical and understands the situation. There is no way I can handle a mob. Especially a gang of thugs, that is constantly looking for some problem to meddle into. These people are out there to kill or get killed. And for no apparent reason.

Thankfully  this was close to office. I called up a few colleagues, they came immediately. And once they arrived, I took a breather. I finally had someone who I could trust. Even the police turned up after a while. They merely stood there and told us to “reach a compromise” and not bother them with complaints and formalities of FIR etc. I was aghast at their behavior and I was surprised. Aren’t they supposed to serve and protect? Aren’t they supposed to maintain law and order? Arent they supposed to talk to those goons who had ganged up on me and put some sense in them?

Finally three hour after the arguments and counter-arguments, we reached a “compromise” and everyone left for their respective homes/offices etc. For me, the only outcome is the realization that I am by myself in this wild world. It’s like back to those prehistoric days where every animal was for itself and had to fend itself from everything else in the jungle.

In 2012, it’s a modern day jungle out there. I am a tiny creature and I need to look for myself.

And Spicejet, I sincerely wish I had a way of reaching your transport department and telling them the kind of people they’ve hired. But then one things for sure, I am not going to fly Spicejet anytime soon. And all the stock that I own, I would sell. Today.