PseudoSocial

God Mode vs I Don’t Give a Fuck Mode

All my life, actually since I’ve played Q3A, I have often dreamed of a real life God Mode where I could get immortal and do whatever I want to. ~~I have written about it in the past as well.~~ I thought I have but I havent. Anyway the other day I went dinnering at a friends place and while talking about life and other things in general, we started talking about a guy that we knew some years back. According to my friend, that guy was irreverence personified and stood for everything anti-establishment. I thought that he is talking about that guy being in the God Mode.

Fast forward, while driving down a highway, most of my best ideas have come in while I was driving, I was thinking about the conversation and I realized that I was wrong. God Mode and the mode that that common friend seemed to be operating in, the I Dont Give a Fuck Mode are two distinct ones. Let me elaborate on them.

God Mode is:

When you are not scared to take risks because deep down you know that you can’t die and hence there is nothing that can touch you.
The mode you get in when you become the part of higher management at a large organization where you are just a number.
When you fly. You fly as in fly. There is no Gravity. There is nothing to hold you back. You can soar. Soar like a hot air balloon. And then then soar some more like something that is in orbit. And then may be even escape the orbit. Fly like that.
When you know that its temporary and God Mode can end any instant. You merely live for the adrenaline rush that the God Mode gives you. The rush that you may get addicted to, like a junkie.
And because you know that God Mode is temporary, you try to make the most out of it. You run faster, you fly higher, you gather as many power ups, you back stab more people and so on and so forth. Because its all temporary.

I Dont Give a Fuck Mode is:

What August operated in, throughout Upamanyu Chatterjee‘s brilliant debut novel.
When you know that Dont Give a Fuck Mode is a perpetual state of mind. You know that you can get killed in an instant but yet you dont give a fuck. You are not scared to die. You dont welcome it either, but when life or death is immaterial. What is important is the flight of fancy. Important is you doing things as per your whims, not because someone else expects you to do something else. Heard about not being part of rat race?
The mode that you are born with. The mode that you are hard wired to have. You either know about it since forever, or you realize that you have it as you go along. But its there.
The mode that is evident in all your endeavors. The mode is visible to everyone around you. You may or may not know that you are operating in such a mode but its there. Its screaming out loud from your entire countenance. You know that swagger some people walk with? That. Of course it could get you killed if you met someone else with an even bigger swagger but that’s the point. Right? Of I don’t give a fuck?
And finally, when you do NOT have to work hard to develop and operate in the I Dont Give a Fuck mode. Its there. Or it isnt.

And all my life, I lived in the delusion that I operate in God Mode and hence I was untouchable and I could do whatever. But I dint realize it, till I sat with my friend and discussed with him about the common friend, that I was so wrong. So so wrong. Wrong like fuck. Actually, fuck is not wrong. God Mode is. Ok, now I am just rambling.

But I do have a coherent question though. And a pertinent one at that. Which mode do you operate in?

Credit Note. Starting this post, I shall try and include these credit notes. For this one, thanks Parijat for inspiration. Thanks AR, the common friend that I have talked about. Thanks James for this post. And I used Inkscape to create the header image.

May 20, 2013. Of disconnectedness.

Somehow, I stumbled on to my blog(!) and realized that its been more than a month since I posted something here. Nothing wrong with it but for someone with serious aspirations of a being an author, not ~~posting~~ writing anything for a month is not acceptable. Ofcourse I can blame it on all the travel that I have been subjected to and the feeling of disconnectedness with the world but end of the day, these things dont count. Do they? After a few weeks I would look back and exclaim, “oh! between April and May of 2013, I did not update my blog for a whole month”.

Anyway (thanks rediff), now that I am writing, I want to talk of my disconnectedness wali feeling – something extremely personal and yet something that I know most people like me would relate to. Of course, it is a separate matter altogether that not many people would be as lost as I am. If you know me, you would know that I have a hard time understanding logic and rationale that governs most people and their actions. So much so that I have stopped judging them (actions, not people), which is good in way but fucks up the head on the other side.

You know, most people my age are busy making mini fortunes for themselves, if not on their way to change the world. And no, no just one or two examples, but 8 out 0f 10 people I know (9th is me. 10th, you know who you are. Thanks for giving me company). And I on the other hand am stuck in the rut of mediocrity. Of course no one else is responsible, but me. More on that later. Coming back to disconnectedness, people define it in multiple ways with awesome words and languages. I have a rather simplistic definition. I define disconnectedness as the feeling that you do not have any roots to go back to. There is no place you feel home at. There is nobody that you want to sleep (and wake up) in the arms of. There is no clear agenda or purpose (or epitaph) that you are chasing. You struggle to find meaning and you are merely a vegetable and letting things chart their own course. You are just flowing.

Or may be clinical depression is a set of two words that can explain it equally well. Of course if I was the kinds to mix my miseries with alcohol and consume the diluted concoction, I could’ve painted a more vivid picture.

Coming back, nothing wrong with the feeling of disconnectedness to be honest. An entire generation lived with it. And died with it. People continue to adopt that lifestyle even decades after that generation died. I think I have a vague idea why. Hedonism is a brilliant concept. I do subscribe to it but then at the same time, I am from the school of thought that believes in creating something that outlives you. I believe that there is a greater purpose and a reason why you’ve been put here. And you have to have the responsibility towards the greater power that put you on here on Mother Earth. Kinda complicated. Hedonism and Legacy do not go hand in hand but I am trying.

Wise men and sages over the years have said that once you know of the problem, all that remains is finding the solution and implementing it. I know the problem, have known it for years and yet I cant seem to do a thing about it. Remember I said no one else but me is responsible? I need that tight slap on my face to wake me up from the deep slumber and get moving. Someone someday will have to do. Lot of friends including Neo and #sgMS tried but I did not pay heed to even her. Who else? If the most important people to me havnt been able to help matters, dont think anyone else can! Let me park this thought here. Will come back to it.

I want to argue further that this feeling of disconnectedness is actually responsible for a lot of good things that us humans have achieved in last few decades. I believe that on the other side of this disconnectedness, is the holy grail of happiness. I am assuming that once you realize what is keeping you back and you know what is it that you are chasing, you will put in your best effort and you will come up with a body of work that defines who you are. You go through this dark tunnel to come out brighter, sharper and happier. Most modern marvels are a result of people disconnected with their lives and their attempts to create things that define them. Some people get lucky and they know what their purpose is, at a fairly young age. Just that this tunnel is kinda long in my case. And the hope of things beyond this feeling is what keeps me going. Every single day. Hope could be a bitch. No?

Connecting the two thoughts above, I know that my best is ahead of me. Like I keep saying, its not a matter of if, but a when. I believe that, that when, ladies and gentlemen, is around the corner. The fuck up is, I cant seem to wait. The disconnectedness, this mid life crisis, the clinical depression is killing me. And its getting increasingly tough by the day (or is it tougher?).

But then, till I realize my purpose and I serve my reason I cant really quit either. It would be a life wasted and I am very sure my purpose is definitely NOT to waste my life in frivolity. Wish me luck if youre reading this.

On Gratitude, Restlessness and Yearning

1. The ones who know me since I was a kid, would know how huge a fan I was of Lucky Ali when I was growing up. So much so that while I was in college, I made this huge website dedicated to him (to bad it was on geocities and I dont have any copies of it). Back then, it became a reason. I couldnt stop thinking about his music and the website. I tracked every visitor and updated every broken link multiple times a day. Now, in 2012, it sounds funny and inane, considering what 19 year olds create now. But those were the days and there I was.

2. There is this show on MTV that probably is inspired by Coke Studio, which in turn is probably inspired by some other famous show from the west, that invites amazing musicians and puts them on a stage and ask them to perform their best tracks, unplugged and slightly tweaked for the live audience. And to jazz up the offering, it makes these artists talk about the music and why and how of their music. So much so that there are times you get to hear behind the scenes conversations between these guys. Nevertheless, it reveals, to some extent, what the artist was thinking while writing that song.

3. This video. And the brief interpretation of the lyrics by Lucky. And to be honest, all music by him.

4. sgMS. And everything about her. And I. And how Lucky’s interpretation/reason for O Sanam is so apt, so befitting, so true about sgMs and I. And that after all these years, the realization that the song I loved as a kid will actually become a true story some day. And my story at that.

5. Nights in Mumbai are brilliant. You may think that the city is fast asleep, but its not. Under the covers, everyone is dreaming about something or the other. Then, there are people on the road who dont really have a place to goto and there are some who dont want to goto any place and just stay on the move (like me, dunno if everyone loves the feeling of being on the move as heady as it is to me). Each lost in his/her own world. And in their dreams – after all this is the city where dreams can come true. Some of them actually do. And each person, each dream has a story that could make you envious.

6. I, alone. With nothing but music. And a million thoughts swirling around in my head. Ranging from music to life to travel to poker to money to dreams to “holocaust to quality of cucumbers in winters“. And the sad bit is that I cant seem to find any answers to any of these genuine questions despite the Mensa membership and all that.

Club all the 6 above together (Apart from this list thing, I dont think I could have written this any better). I dont know the nature of resulting concoction but its like that amrit that makes you restless, fills you with gratitude and makes you yearn. All at the same time.

Restless because despite trying everything, there is something that binds you to her. Because despite trying everything you cant seem to get over her. Even her rebuttals, her insults, her public display of affection for everyone else refuse to work. And funnily she if of the same opinion.

Gratitude for people like Lucky Ali for cooking ups songs and stories like these. And for people on the streets of Mumbai. And their dreams. And all the efforts they put in. Everything gives you inspiration and hope to continue to work and pray that someday the hardwork is redeemed.

And finally, yearning. Yearning for achievement, for greatness, for immortality. And for sgMS.

Update – 6th June, Goa, Futility

Been some time since I uploaded this blog. Few things worth mentioning have happened.

6th June happened to me. Do did 9th. And now waiting for the 4th. Its happening too fast and too slow. Its a blur and a dream. Its all there and it isnt.

Then I missed the deadline for TED India Fellows application. No it was not too complex. I was too lazy and I dint have a lot of substance to talk about.

Visited Goa. Went to a casino. Played Mini Flush for four hours. Won few rupees. Beginners luck probably. Saw mental models in action. Going to read more about Casinos, gambling etc. They says its one of those seven deadly vices. What are other six (hint hint)?

Spoke to Neo and Gandhi about life and all. Gandhi as always had no opinions. Neo had some. I could not comprehend most of them.

Thought about Cyntax. Wrote about it. Planning to get a designer to help me with it. Any volunteers?

Felt sorry for being rude and demanding. Said sorry. She was surprised. She said she was used to my tantrums and randomness. I had never said sorry since I have known her (since 2004). Five years is a lot of time.

Sandy getting married. And the future of PseudoSocial is now in a quandary. As if it wasn’t in a jeopardy already. We have run it as an adopted child at best. And then the ever shrinking bachelor club, shrinks even further. More exclusions from the club are being planned as I write this (or you read this). I hope is not Neo or Gandhi.

Miss MDI more than ever. Reminds me of Rabbi Shergill’s Gill Te Guitar.

Want to debate with someone on futility of our actions. And our thoughts. And our emotions. Dont have anyone to debate with. I even have doubts on the futility of these debates.

FB came up with vanity URLs. And the website is that important that I actually planned to check it when they were released. And I was disappointed that I could not get Saurabh. And now am blogging about it. Wonder how these “tools” take so much importance in our lives.

Then half wrote this rant. Even though India is a huge country, there are some things that are so Indian that you will find them in every nook and corner of the country. Buffalos for example. Stray dogs. Then electric wires hanging loosely on the poles. Chai shop. Cigarette shop. Then there are home grown brands like Agarwal Sweets, CCD etc in almost every locality worth living., Amongst them is this Maruti Suzuki service centre called Sai Service. Yes, that place with a blue and red flower logo. Every state that I have traveled to India has a Sai Service. And I am told one Mr. Suresh Kalmadi owns the chain. Now I need to know if he is the same Mr. Kalmadi who is more famous (actually rather infamous) for his role in the Indian Olympic Association. Any answers?

And then there is some more. I cant think of it now. May be later? Another uninteresting, boring, mundane week comes to an end. How many more?

The Invisible Foot – Garrett Hardin vs The Invisible Hand – Adam Smith

Recently, I came across a reference to Garrett Hardin and his Invisible Foot. Also known as the Tragedy of the Commons, in simplest terms, it is the battle between the individual interest and common good on a resource that is finite. Wikipedia says "It is a structural relationship between free access to, and unrestricted demand for, a finite resource". Its called the Tragedy of Commons because every individual is acting rationally and still ends up destroying the resources and Commons because the resources under scanner are free for everyone to use.

The Invisible Foot is often used alongside Invisible Hand by Adam Smith to explain the principles of economics. " The Invisible Hand" says that a person acting in self interest acts as if he is guided by an individual hand trying to work for the good of the mankind. So basically every time there was a breakthrough (evolution or business), the individual did it for his own benefit and ended up benefiting the entire mankind. For example, in Natural Selection – Individual started differentiating itself from others to gain an edge over members of the same species and it ended up making the entire species stronger ( Survival of the fittest). In business, with every new breakthrough product, individuals trying to corner more market share and making money actually helped mankind take a leap (example use of CDs instead of Tapes).

According to Adam Smith every subsequent improvement by an individual brings that individual benefits and helps the world to move forward. Here resources are infinite and everyone can capture large market share happily.

And according to Garrett Hardin, every subsequent improvement by an individual brings benefits to that individual but degrades the quality of resource. This resource is limited and with every subsequent chunk being taken by an individual reduces the availability and quality of the resources.

Both of these are very interesting theories. Both talk about actions of individuals. Hope I could understand them better.

Links: Wiki on The Invisible Foot, Wiki on The Invisible Hand, Value Investing Resource Blog