Rant – 922

The tiny shift and a giant revolution

Human history is dotted with numerous incidents that felt like tiny, insignificant nudges at the time but fast forward a few years and these tiny nudges were found to be the tipping points of revolutions that shifted the way us humans move around.

One such tiny nudge happened a couple of days ago when I got myself a sub-15K, Android Phone.

Now, this sounds like a tiny thing. Even trivial. After all, more than 89% of the country has these sub-15K phones and they seem to be getting by fine. I am definitely not special and thus this big deal that I am making out of a cheap phone is not called for.

But maybe it is!

Lemme try and explain.

Few facts first.

A. I am a heavy user of mobile devices. So much so that I spend about 12 hours a day on a phone. At least since 2013, the device and OS of choice has been Apple (and iOS), barring a few days when I did not have one available.

B. I am the greatest creature of habit I know. That means that I am used to working in a certain manner and with shortcuts that are now so ingrained in my muscle memory that to change those would be like attempting to climb Mt. Everest. Well…

C. I have prioritized things that make my life simpler over things that make my life fancier. This means I don’t have a lot of clothes but whatever I have are from brands that I know offer comfort, durability, and yet are affordable to me.

This affordable bit is important to explain. I can’t afford a Jimmy Choo. But I can afford a Crocs, a Cotton World. A Fabindia. I know these may be premium and expensive for a lot of people. But to me, these are affordable. Just like Jimmy could be affordable to a lot of people.

And these are affordable because I do not spend on other things that add fanciness to life and most others find important. Things like multiple pairs of shoes, hundreds of dresses for various occasions, those knick-knacks that we try and gather around when we travel. So on and so forth.

So, to me, an Apple device is like that. May be it sells at a premium for a lot of people. I make it affordable for me. And I save for it. I know that it would help me work better, and would last longer. And will not cause frustration by going slow on me!

D. I am irrational. I like to overpay for things. And especially for those that I know are made with thoughtfulness and offer quality and have been made with love. Just like Apple devices. Or Crocs. Or Nike. Even Kurutoga. Air Vistara. Starbucks.

So now, here’s the explanation about the new Android device that I got.

IMHO, in buying this device, I have had to compromise on the ethos that I stand for. Yeah, I am one of those weirdos that like to consume brands that are in sync with personal ethos. I don’t know a lot but I do try to be conscious about brands that I consume. I try to read about them. I try and understand where they stand on things like innovation, originality, design etc. I like to see what goes behind building and delivering what they do. You know, if they have a soul and not just a facade.

Apple fits into my ethos. But a hardware manufacturer that makes cheap phones, hoping to imitate the brilliance of Apple, is not. Android is ok, except that I am not sure how to make it work for me – way too complicated and too much. If I were 18, I would probably love Android. But at my age, I prefer simplicity and speed and all that.

And why did I get this device if its a problem?

I have a one-word answer. Majboori. What majboori? Well, ask my echoChamber.

What’s next?

Of course get back to a iOS as soon as I can!

Inshallah, soon.

When is enough, enough?

Today, I have a serious question that I need an answer to. And like all times when I don’t know where to go for counsel, I turn to my blog.

The question is, when do you think you know you’ve tried enough? How long can you continue to try to make things work when you know that the other side is not reciprocating at all? When do you give up if you know that all the effort you are making will eventually go down the drain?

I don’t know how to explain the predicament that I am in without going into specifics. But I need answers and I am out of clues and I don’t know who else to ask. And thus this post. Hoping that while I talk in this echochamber, I will get an answer.

Side note. Since I discovered the joys of Roam, I have started to post more and more of these echochamber posts there. But this one, for some reason, I thought I should post here. In the pseudo-anonymous wilderness of the Internet. So, here we go.

So I am in this situation with a project that is super dear to me. It seems to be slipping away. In the sense that I would lose the project and with it all the effort that I have put in the last 3-4 years. And all the hopes of a peachy future over the next 30-40 years.

And since this project is super dear to me (for multiple reasons – emotional, financial, egotistical, and more), I want to give it all and prevent it from failing.

Now, of course, there are things that are beyond my control when you work in this VUCA world, and to prevent failure I probably need to do a lot more than what I am already doing.

Which to be honest I am.

I am doing more than I have ever done for any project. In terms of tann, mann, and dhan! I am not being myself and doing things that are uncharacteristic of me. For example, I am being polite, considerate, value-adding, tolerant, understanding, and all that. I am that desperate to make this happen!

However despite my earnest, sincere and desperate attempts, nothing seems to be helping me get the project back on track. To a point that am this close to writing it off as a bad investment and moving on. But then, dil to bachcha hai ji and log kya kahenge and all that.

This project was going to be my life’s work and I can see it go down the drain. Without any dramatic music playing in the background. Without any loud splashes. Like a flame that is fading away. And it is the most painful thing ever. I mean you have hopes pinned that when you die, you would sleep for the final time with the knowledge that you have added some value!

Even thought I’ve read all the economics that an average bloke may, I want to ignore the sunk cost fallacy and not want to let go of things. I want to keep trying. And I am. And as a result, I have started to bleed from self-inflicted wounds. I mean I am probably throwing more good money behind bad. But I am.

What sucks all the more is that I thought this was a sure shot, lifelong passive income kind of thing. It wasn’t when it started. But it was growing up into this beautiful thing that showed immense potential. And thus I gave it all I had. And more. I borrowed money for it. I lied to the world about it. I made it my priority.

And all these in hopes of reaching a point where all the sacrifices I’ve made would start making sense and there would be some light at the end of the tunnel and all that.

But I guess it’s not meant to be.

The question that I want an answer to is, what do you do in such a scenario?

Do you just give up? And at least get your self-respect back and go back to being yourself and not worry about posing as someone who you are not!

Or do you just walk away without thinking about the loss?

Or you listen to those people that say that you need to happen to things (and not otherwise), and go happen to things and do whatever is possible to make it work?

And irrespective of my giving up or not, what lesson do I take back from this loss?

Do I henceforth chase only those things where the outcome is certain? Or do I do things for the sake of doing without expecting on the outcome? You know, like that king Krishna spoke of about doing the karma and not worrying about rewards?

Heck, I did not even know that I was capable of getting this emotional about things!

I have always tried to be stoic and this rant, this post, this feeling of loss, this heartburn, the general sadness that seem to have engulfed me like the thick Delhi fog is teaching me that I am still a million miles away from being the stoic SOB!

Damn!

Tweets vs Blogposts

Hola!

If you are a longtime reader of this blog (or blogs in general), you would know how blogging as a hobby has been sort of replaced by things like Instagram, tweets, and so on and so forth. Both in general and for me. And how blogging is now a lot more “content marketing” where companies pay peanuts to desk monkeys to churn out words that trap those search engine spiders logs. And how the “content” that is created does not really do anything good to any reader, even if they may want to read about that topic. And how there is so much content that it’s impossible to filter noise and signal; assuming you know what is signal for you! And how long-form writing by non-writers is dying a slow death?

It’s sad that so many people sharing so many deeply personal anecdotes with so many strangers is all gone. I mean it’s now moved to Twitter and Instagram and all that. But I am not sure how many people are blessed with the talent to push their thoughts in mere 280 characters (or maybe 2200 for Insta). I, at least cant. Not that gifted. May be if I work hard on writing, I may learn the art of brevity?

And this is why I have kept the blog alive. And this is why I love the idea of writing letters (come, be my pen pal?). And this is why I like the idea of journaling, diary entries, notes, etc.

The thing is, a blog allows me to push my unfiltered thoughts, things I am thinking on, things I am working on, things I seek opinion on. And put those somewhere on the world wild web. For others to see and respond to and allow me to think better.

I miss those times when I’d be brimming with ideas about the blog posts that I’d want to write. I’d have a draft folder thicker than all the 7-8 Harry Potter books combined. And I’d look forward to publishing posts and wait with bated breath for that one rare comment that I would get once in a month or two. It was another level of exhilaration. Something that the Twitter generation would never know – after all, tweets are far faster to engage with 🙂

Anyhow.

So, today, I am thinking about where do I want my content to go (this is what I’d do with my blog – write write write till I get tired; vomit out all my ideas, thoughts here; and since the blog is in the public domain, I’d try harder to put forth better arguments; and by the time I was done writing, I’d have some sort of clarity). Here is my attempt to think with my words.

And, with that, here we go. In no order…

1. In the times to come, unless you are a media company (even as an individual), you’d lose out. As a business, as an individual, as even a rock or a vegetable. Stories, media, content would help you stay relevant.

You thus have to think like a media company and churn out content that is valuable and interesting and all that.

2. The entire idea of 1000 True Fans would be far far more relevant in the times to come. Creators (a word I used when I applied for Gumroad’s gig for customer service) would live lives that they want and will rely on patrons to support them with micro-transactions, micro-donations. And with time, you would see more and more people go down the creator route. We are already seeing the likes of Patreon, Onlyfans, etc allowing people to create economically sustainable lives.

3. As someone who likes to straddle multiple things and at some point in time make an impact for a billion people, I need to be very very good with words. After all, words do move mountains. And these words will open doors for me, allow me to know more people, satiate my curiosity, and so on and so forth.

In one word, my words will give me access. And thus I need to get more active and more aggressive with this!

4. If a picture is worth a thousand words, a video is worth a thousand pictures. So, to improve the output by a 1000×1000, I need to pivot to doing videos at some point. Not sure though when.

PS: Thanks, Annkur for the nudge. Do tell me what would you want to see on a video from me.

5. Right now, my content is scattered at multiple places – my own website, medium, blog, Mailchimp, tiny letter, substack, and more. And with each passing day, these platforms are only going to grow and more platforms would come in. And thus the content will scatter even more.

And as a result, my patrons (and the ones I want to get access to) would probably not find what they are looking for!

So I need to find a solution to this. May be I will use the website to showcase the best work and one blog destination to dump these thoughts? I don’t know yet.

6. Continuing with the scatteredness, it is no secret that I am a scatterbrain. My writing, output, and other things are spread too thin. I talk about marketing, entertainment, content, podcasts, entrepreneurship, writing, habits, notes, poker, and a million other things.

And thus there is no way I can give a consistent experience to readers that are interested in just one genre. I mean if you are a filmmaker, you may want to read what I had to write about The Trial of the Chicago 7 but why would you read about how I refuse to have a kitchen at my home? Or that walking barefoot is the thing you need to practice but living in a city like Mumbai, it’s literally impossible!

So once I know what and how and where all I am writing, there has to be a way for people to identify “tracks” they want to consume and they must be able to go down that path easily. For example, when you are subscribing to newsletters on those large websites, you have an option of subscribing to certain sections (kind of content) and receive updates from only that section, that track. I will have to implement that!

7. Lemme talk about Twitter. The thing that got me down this path!

The thing with the tweet is, even though there is a permalink of the tweet per se, to me, a tweet looks and feels ephemeral. It is something that’s hanging in the air. I’d love to change it and have a more solid, permanent, tangible link. Like a URL to a website. A website feels a lot more solid to me. Oh, by the way, the public URLs that I host on my own website on? They are tough to pull off – I keep trashing my website every now and then and I start from scratch! I need to fix this.

Plus, while most of my greatest connections have come via Twitter, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that it’s the primary destination where I create content. It can at best be a distribution platform. And heck, it’s a powerful destination! No?

8. Making money and pivoting to being a writer! This is a big one. And this is what I am most conflicted about.

The thing is, I’d love to be on substack or Patreon or something because I like the idea of monetizing my audience, my true fans. Even though I do NOT write with the intention of making money off my writing, I have been told by at least one person (thanks, Krishna!) that he is happy to pay me for what I write. Apparently, it adds value to his life. And that to me is music.

For two reasons. A, I add value. The reason I even write in the first place. And B, people find it valuable enough to pay!

So, if I can get 1000 people like Krishna, I’ll be free from the rigmarole of holding onto a steady job! And I can potentially take a step in the direction where I won’t have to work for others. And spend my life like a dog chasing cards – in random pursuits, where the chase itself is a reward!

Of course, once I start seeking money for what I write, I need to not get sucked into this honeytrap and go down the desk-monkey route.

The other thing that I am sure of is that I do not want to “profiteer” by sharing things I know. Whatever little I know, I know those because I have had generous people who were kind to me and shared things with me without expecting anything in return. And it is not right for me to profiteer when I myself haven’t paid for those! So that!

A big part of me thus does not want to charge at all. May be I’ll accept donations? I can ask people to donate whatever they deem is ok. But then, while I go with the pay what you go model, do I want to guilt-trip people into paying? Dunno.

And if and when I do go the monetization path (in whatever shape or format), I need to decide how do I do it. With Patreon? Substack? Stripe? Ideally, I’d love to have a button or something (may be stripe connection to WordPress) on my own website. Let’s see.

Sigh! You see the conflict?

9. Accountability. This is a big one. Right now, I write things as and when I feel like. There is no structure, no predictable cadence, no topic, no accountability. But once I decide that I want to be a writer for hire, I would have to be a lot more accountable. Someone said it right that a predictable routine is one of the secrets behind a free, wild, flowing, interesting life – the kind that gives you experiences that you long for. And the experiences that can shape you into a better man!

So, I need to probably pull them socks up and get to a routine. For what I write, even if it’s across genres and all that. No?

***

So yeah, these things.

What started as a rant, a comparison between tweets and blog posts has become a tome that I am not sure who would read.

I will decide over the next few days and I will of course keep you guys posted. Till then, it’s over and out!

The Insignificant Installation of I

Once you ignore the title of the post and dig deeper, you’d probably see what I am seeing.

Somehow and for some reason, I have grown up into someone that takes myself way too seriously. This means I am humorless, often found gazing into the future, and have my head clouded with a million thoughts – most of those around how to become what I’ve always aspired to become – rich, affluent, impactful, giving, contributing, learning, fit, lean, emotionless, machine-like forever living thing.

And all these adjectives / verbs play just one role — they add a qualifier to the idea of identity that I have for myself.

That identity is probably as meaningless as the concept of immortality. I am sure we would find answers (about the grand plan of life and all that) in due course; but as of today we do know that all this that started with a Big Bang will end in a few gazillion years (how exactly would the end come is still being speculated).

And all the adjectives that you use to define you and the very concept of you will cease to exist.

And thus, this image that you have installed in your head about yourself (wait, am talking to myself – so this image that I have installed in my head of myself) is meaningless. Insignificant. I think I need to see Pale Blue Dot more often.

The insignificance gets even more, well, pronounced when you realize that all that you’ve been building towards does not add up to that grand picture that you had in your head about things and people and life and all that. All those sacrifices that you made hoping for a better tomorrow, all the gratification that you delayed for deeper meaning, all the struggle you were engaged in chasing happiness at a later date, all of it, is insignificant. And if you’ve known me, all my life has been a run-up to this grand picture where I am happy, successful (whatever that means), and have contributed to the well-being and happiness of a billion people (in whatever way). And it’s a sobering thought that this grand picture is a mere mirage – something that you think is around but it is a mere reflection of something that’s not even there in the first place!

Even these words that, sort of, give you immortality will cease to exist.

The momentary masterness that we are chasing, the fleeting validation that we chase, the semblance of control that we wish to exercise over life, well, insignificant. Like the I.

So, what is the point of going on, you may ask? Well, I don’t have any specific answers per se. But I do know that if by your actions, your thoughts, your work if you can give someone else some comfort, some break, some hope, some validation, some inspiration, it is worth it.

No?

This too shall pass

Hello, whoever is reading this!

Hope you are well! I am not sure I can say the same thing about me. Life’s being unkind – both at the personal front and at the professional one. Wish I could say more. But I will leave it here. And tell myself that this too shall pass. It always does.

So, I did not write a post in the whole of July. Has to be among the longest breaks I’ve taken from writing. And has to be the longest I have been so out of action or inspiration. I mean the entire month of July passed by in a blur. Much like most of 2020. And if you know me you would know how much I hate inaction! And on top, there was tragedy upon tragedy inflicted on me. Life’s been fucking relentless! But, like I said, this too shall pass!

And even if I ignore things that happened in the month of July, I think this lockdown is getting to me. I mean I am comfortable at my house (not home), have food on my plate and enough coffee to sip on all day long. But I crave for human connection. Human contact. The physical touch. I need it desperately. To a point that I am willing to risk myself. And others around me.

When the lockdown was announced, I thought I was ok with the ideas of being alone. I’ve always been ok every time I have gone into a shell. But this time I am not.

Thing is, previously, I would have a Starbucks to go to. A mall to wander into. The humdrum of life around me to get lost into. I had the non-creepy people-watching that gave me optimism about life in general. I could feed off the energy of other people, even strangers. I’d see someone immersed in their work and I would get inspired to get immersed in mine! And while I may not be surrounded by the people that gimme comfort, people I love or others of the ilk, I would always have people around me. Yeah, I like people. Even if they are strangers. And even though I have been enamored by the idea of people that survive isolation for years (hello, Andy), thanks to the lockdown, I know I can’t survive it!

So, I have been walking around. And not that I am reaching somewhere with all this walk, but I do like the idea of movement. And I like to see whoever is out on the road. And going by what I’ve seen all of July, quite a few of those are out and about. I mean the traffic jams are almost back in Mumbai. You can no longer walk in quiet. You even have those loud Delhi cars making a guest appearance in Mumbai. The point is, I am out and about. And I am on the move. And I hope this activity takes me someplace in August.

Here’s promising to be more active. Here’s hoping for a better time ahead. Heres telling myself that this too shall pass.

SG
2 Aug 2020
Mumbai

Hello, Boy!

I don’t know what day of the lockdown is it today. I am guessing 45. But it could very well be 44. Or 46. For all I care. You know, the days seem to be blurring into each other and things seem to be losing their meaning. Most people I know seem to be ok with it. You know, they’ve made peace with this idea of staying indoors. And why not? At least the circles I move in, these people have relatively comfortable homes (not houses), a steady paycheck, a family to bank on, and limited things that they’re worried about. And these are things like where would I get that next bottle of Black Label from. Or where do I get that Parmesan Cheese from, you know, Nature’s Basket is closed!

Yeah yeah, I sound a tad jealous. And truth be told, I am. Jealous as fuck! To a point that I am questioning the choices that I’ve made in life. The path I am on. The journey I’ve taken. Of course, I don’t know where I would end up (if there is any ending up… I mean it could all be over before I know it…). And all I would leave behind is this collection of rants that no one would be interested in.

But then, today is not about this jealousy. But about something else. About being a man. And not a boy.

When this lockdown started, inspired by a quip from Neo, I decided that I will take this opportunity to get some large things done – write my book2, flatten my belly, get my website up and running, learn new things, think about the future, learn guitar, reskill, fix my posture and I dont know how many more such lofty goals that I am full off.

And the entire premise was that without any distractions of travel, socializing, and busyness, a real man would be able to put his head down and actually get things done! After all, those are the things that you blame when you can’t do things.

And I started like I always do. With so much excitement and spring in the step that it would put the fucking bunnies to shame. And then, as time passed, I started to become that person that loves to procrastinate, that allowed the monkey mind to rule my thoughts and got distracted by things like poker, films, and hyperbole. I mean I did EVERYTHING but work on those things that I had to work on. Of course, I did get the website to some semblance of design. I did try my hands at the guitar and I can now play the C chord really well (something that I learned while I was in class 10, around 1997). I did think about the book (I think I made some progress but with each increasing day I am realizing I don’t have the next book in me). In fact, if I can’t get 20K words on book2 in May, I will stop working on it for the foreseeable future. Plus, my work! The most important. The idea was the reskill myself in these 45 days and get employable and survive. But no. Not even the existential crisis is making me move my butt. You know, natural selection? No wonder people like me perish!

On this 45th day, if I look back, I have little to show for. And I know there is no one out there looking out for things I do and all that, but then there is that wretched mirror. You know the one that shows you who you are? The one that is easiest to fool? And if not that mirror, this blog!

Get the drift?

Brings me back to the point with which we started.

Men. Boys.

Over and out.

PS: When I rant like that, please do note that I am not being tough on myself. I am programmed in a way that I like the idea of shooting really really high and then land at a better spot than what I was when I started. So, this is not self-pity or something. But a gentle reminder that I need to do more!

Previous posts that I wrote during the lockdown are – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37, 39

Day 3, Self Quarantine

Today’s day 3 of my self-isolation, imposed on by the government because there are people who do not know how to take precautions. Well, issues of living in a democracy, which otherwise is not a bad place to be at. I mean I’d rather be in a democracy than a dictatorship. At least I have some semblance of rights.

Yeah, rights.

The very rights that have made you jailed in your own house.

Anyhow. So, when I decided that I will lock myself in (ok, I did not decide – I did not have the free will – the government made me), I decided that I would try and write a book about my experiences with seclusion. But of course like all the other grandiose plans, this one had its share of challenges. And three days in it, I can see the writing on the wall – “the experiences of someone forced to stay indoors” is not happening. Not because I dont have the time for it – I have all the time in the world now. Just that I dont see a new insight or anything interesting to record. Even if I were to make this a memoir or something, right now, not sure who would be interested in reading that I now log-in every morsel of food I eat or the chunks of time I spend? Apart from today. Actually third day is the worst. The first day you are all gung-ho about shit you’d do to change your life and all that. By second day you are feeling great. But on the third day, you realised that all the effort you put in was futile. To a point that you give up. Today was the third day and thus everything that I did in the first two days went for a toss!

Well maybe I will start tomorrow all over again. You know, like a reset? Day 1. It’s always Day 1.

Until tomorrow!

#untitled – 160220. This too shall pass.

Its been a while since I wrote an untitled piece (the last one was in Nov last year). Thing is, there’s way too much going on in my head and I don’t know who to talk to and thus this post. Super ranty. Read at peril. Ignore if you can. And why am I writing? Clear my head. Archive my thoughts. Throw my intent in the universe.

So, this is one of those days when I have a mile-long list of things to do and almost no energy to get any of those done. I mean I have all the energy of a child to move around, walk fast, talk faster, think faster than all of the above. But I don’t have the energy to open my Asana and start knocking off things from it. You know, there’s way too much work to even think about working.
Guess you know the feeling.
Or may be not.
Anyhow.
The point is, I have a lot to do and no energy. And I can’t seem to find it. I don’t know why. I get inspired by the largeness of ideas, the awesomeness of people and opportunities that are so much in abundance. And I know that I am at an amazing place and the timing is amazing and I have the will and inclination and all that. And yet, for some reason, I am poor and stuck. Stuck as in I am still a nobody. Stuck as in I still have limited capital. Stuck as in I don’t know how to break the shackles of helplessness. I feel that life is moving past and I am stuck at an obscure corner, with no ride to ride on. Ride to ride on. Lol.
You know, FOMO!
I know I shouldn’t but I am afraid. Of missing out.
And I know its a fleeting feeling and this too shall pass.

If there is a trough, this is the deepest ever I’ve been. And while I know that this too shall pass and I will eventually come out of it, this feeling of getting stuck is not cool. And not cool is this feeling of helplessness. I don’t know what to do to get out of this.
And I am fucking up at multiple levels.
What multiple? All levels.
Everything that you use to measure your life, I am fucking up!

I want to eat healthy.
I was supposed to be on this vegan and sattvic diet – I subscribed and all despite it being an expensive idea – but I am unable to keep my hands out of large plates of food. I am eating like a dude who’s just come out of famine. May be, in my head, subconsciously, I am staring at impending starvation and thus eating all that it can lay its hands on?

I am supposed to meditate.
I try and sit down every day but I am unable to concentrate. With all the bells and whistles that I can manage (you know, an app, silent and cold room, etc). And yet, I can hardly concentrate.
This post that I am writing right now, I have this window open for more than half an hour and I have typed less than 200 words. And I have posted a photo on Instagram, opened numerous WhatsApp conversations with people that don’t really care if I have a conversation with them or not, replied to a few emails and judged these three kids at the Starbucks where I am sitting. Why Starbucks? Because I can’t seem to sit at home. I need to make a den for myself that is me. And no one else. And with the kind of money I have, it is impossible to have a den per se. A roof is a luxury. And I have just grabbed water and all that from the bar.
All in the last 30 mins. If I could concentrate, I could change the world, you know! Remember that thing about the dude asking for a lever long enough?

I am supposed to get fitter.
I know that I need to start yoga, go for a run, climb 100 flights a day and do other such things. I am unable to do even one of those. Of course, these are merely tiny steps that I need to take to be able to reach my ultimate goal – climb the Mt. Everest and run a marathon. But I am not fucking taking those steps. I don’t know why I am unable to.

I am not being a great contributor to the community. Or my family. Or my people.
They need emotional, financial and life advice and I don’t have what it takes to give any to any. I’ve always imagined myself to be that strong pillar that allows everyone around to take shelter. Ok, shelter is not the word – support is more like it. But I see myself as a pillar that supports and enables people to climb higher. But here I am, leaning against nothing but wind!

Things are not that bad, to be honest. May be they are – since I am talking about myself, maybe I am biased?
I do know I am not doing well. Except for putting up the facade when I meet others. And they may seem very well be if you look at em from the perspective of those that look up to me (if there are any). But on the standalone, unbiased basis, they are not. I need a fucking intervention. I don’t know which one. Devine? Medical? Spiritual? Don’t know.

I am lucky to have the option to live my life in a way I would love to – I am mostly the master of my time, my office is at a walking distance from home, a tiffin service delivers food (and that ensures that I don’t have to think about what to eat), there is a maid that knows what to do. Everything is on autopilot. But I am struggling with work and I haven’t been able to crack this piece – mostly a result of my inability to generate new business. And like all similar things, it’s a vicious circle – I need money to invest so that I can generate business. And the business thus generated would throw more money at me to invest in more people, processes, and things that allow me to generate more business. You know what I am saying?

I need to create opportunities – work and otherwise and I am unable to make any headway with that. There are other business things that I am a part of that could start moving fast and give me access to work. But I am stuck because the ones that are supposed to lead those things have other priorities. Of course, I am to blame. I have entrusted my life with them and if they have other things happening, I need to move ahead. No?

Ok, Eureka!

Thing is, as I was writing this, something occurred to me. This is why I love writing – answers often dawn upon you; plus this is a great way to emulate conversations with others and I think the best when I am talking to others.

So, what if I am merely drowning in the pool of misery that I have imposed on myself? In the sense that I can see the effects of my inability to get work (less money, stress, inability to support others, etc). But I am not seeing the cause. I have been reliant on others for far too long. What if I take things in my own hands? I become that person that drives things. That makes things happen. That pushes around? Moves the blocks till I find an answer!

Plus, if I reflect on the last few days, I’ve had a very erratic schedule – I am sleeping at odd hours, doing things that were not planned and taking way too many breaks. I can blame those on all the meetings that require me to criss-cross the city. But then those are part and parcel of life. Irrespective of the time I sleep, I can at least wake up at 5:30 every day and reach work at 6:30! How tough could it be?

Let’s do it. Starting tomorrow. Irrespective of what time I sleep tonight. Will set alarm once I have finished writing this piece. No, I am not picking my phone up unless I finish this piece. I did! I could not concentrate. 🙁

And finally, if I try and review things that I have planned to do in a certain day, week, month, etc, I often miss those goals (which is ok – I often have stretch goals and I like the idea of impossible challenges) but I don’t even revisit the ones that I miss and I don’t lament over those. I don’t obsess over the fact that nothing is moving. If others can’t, I need to be able to move those. Even if its a pendulum motion where I go back to the center after all the hard work, I need to get things moving. I know, I know. The direction is more important than speed. But right now, I am standing still. I am not creating opportunities. I need to do that! I will have to simply work harder than I have ever worked in the past and create more opportunities. It’s ok if I am 37. I can still work hard. Like I said at the beginning of the rant, I am full of energy. Lemme put it to good use!

And with this, over and out! Thank you for listening, reading, etc, etc.

Thoughts from a mehfil

So, last night, I went to this musical mehfil, as the curator put it. They had three groups performing their sets. While all of those are fairly known in their circles (of musicians, producers, community, etc), I was unaware that they existed. And I was in for a surprise.

The music was EXACTLY the kinds that I like. Earthy, Hindustani (mix of Hindi, Punjabi, Urdu, Bhojpuri, Bhajan, etc), with meaningful lyrics, played without any bells or whistles (acoustic mostly), by young people (that are not chasing frivolous rewards that come along with success in performing arts industry).

Here’s a pic that I took there…

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What an evening! What talent! Mad respect for people that put in their blood, sweat and toil in chasing things they’re passionate about. Just like these musicians that I saw today. Thing is, music is one of those things. You know, you could have all the talent that you’re born with. You still need to work hard to polish the rough edges. The three sets I saw today? Each of those collectives (there’s no better word) had polished themselves to so much shine that you could see yourself in them! Thanks @pranitanp for putting this up. I am inspired. Wish I had more that I could support indies with. Someday I would. Till then, thanks @harkat.studios for hosting us. Thanks @beekaybeewrites @yugmofficial and @pranitanp for sharing your music with us. #indie #music #life #love #supportIndie 39/365 PS: When I saw myself in them, I saw a drifter staring at me. And about time, something is done about it!

A post shared by SG (@altsaurabh) on Feb 8, 2020 at 9:13am PST

While I was there, my head had a million thoughts running amok in it.

Here’s an uncontrolled stream of ~~emotions~~ thoughts.

1.
It is sad that there is so much talent and yet they have to live in relative anonymity. What I mean by relative is that they are still unable to fund their lives from their music. They have to supplement it with other things.

Of course, they may be content with a life like that – where they are forced to do multiple things to earn enough to get to practice their talent for an hour each day. They may even be happy about it. I am no one to impose things on them!

Who am I to preach this?

But I really really want to do something to help them! Here’s a twitter thread that I just wrote (while the post is about musicians, the thread is about indie artists per se).

2.
I work in the events business (I do corporate events) and I have seen my share of rockstars and I have worked with them, their managers and their crew. And most are not really the most pleasant to work with. Of course, the fame and rockstar image requires them to be assholes but there has to be this niceness in the world! The kinds that indies bring to the table.

So, I often recommend these indies to my clients. But then I am dissed most times – the audience wants to enjoy and have a ~~good~~ great time when they are at a corporate event. And wants to show off!

I mean with an indie, they may enjoy more (they would be more flexible, accessible and all that) and could have the best set ever. But people are happier with a mediocre set where half the times the singer may even be merely lipsyncing.

Why? Because most people just want to harp about things they are doing in life, on Instagram and Facebook and all that. And a selfie with a star singer gets them more likes on their Facebook than a relatively unknown one. And that is what matters more than anything else.

3.
Of course, there are varying degrees of talent and performance by these indies. Some are better than pros, some are so bad that I could do better than them. Most are somewhere in the middle of this continuum. In the ideal world, the ones that have made it must support the ones that are a rung lower than them. The run lower must, in turn, support the ones that are one step lower than them and so on and so forth. You know, this chain of niceness has to pass down to a person like me that wants to be an artist but does not have the talent. Someone a tad better than me must teach me what they know. And in turn, they must learn from others that are ahead of them in the journey.

The top of the ladder is not stardom per se. But an opportunity to make a living that allows them to hone their craft. You know, how kings of the yesteryears would give residencies and grants and largesses to artists to roam around free and create work.

4.
So, I have a finger in multiple pies (books, films, photography, art, travel, etc) and I think I can try and give these indie musicians an opportunity to do more!

Here’s a long list…

With TRS, we just started publishing videos of conversations. These videos need intro and outro music pieces. What if we get some original compositions for various episodes and share credit with the ones that create? If their work is out there, there are higher chances of them getting discovered. Plus they can add TRS as a “client” on their portfolio and start approaching more people!
With TRS again, we do live events where we have stalwarts from the industry come and talk to a group of aspiring filmmakers. At each event, we could open with an indie band. And then if location and time permits, do a longer set as people disperse. Again, an opportunity to perform!
With Red Carbon, I can mandate that each film I produce, I would have a track by an indie! And not just the track, I can mandate that the musician would appear.
For Podium, on each podcast, I could end it up with a track by one of the artists. Assuming it does not take away from the listening experience.
At C4E, I can start C4E Indie where I could feature indies and create opportunities for them! I could create a podcast, a media property, a talent management company, a brand solutions company and I don’t know what all. Ideally, this should be done by a large brand per se, the biggest I am a part of is TRS but then they are about films. May not be a fit. Or may be. Will have to think.
I could create an event on the lines of Sofar Sounds that allows me to create these gigs across the country, invite indie artists and get the long-tail to pay and make the model sustainable. And from whatever little I know, Sofar has been able to raise some seed funding already. How about a clone? May be. Lemme think.

Of course, all these require money and I don’t have a lot of it right now. So, someday!

When I heard some tracks in English, I could not relate to words. They don’t talk to me as well as Hindi and close cousins do. Ditto for a bunch of languages from East India and South India. I can pick some words that are inspired by the language I speak but I can connect with it.

I’ve always believed that music transcends boundaries but for some reason, I continue to remain disconnected to music that is alien to me.

I need to be able to appreciate a larger range of music. And other art forms!

6.
Where tf is the money in this? No art form, no endeavor exists unless there is a commercial angle to it. Not even religion for that matter. You need to feed people. You need to pay the bills. You need to buy instruments!

Someone has to crack it. Could there be a collective that builds a temple or something and everyone just joins it volunteers to run and thus control costs? I don’t know man!

7.
Music and writing and poetry and acting and other such things can teach you so much and so much better than traditional methods. Must use these more liberally in whatever I do!

8.
So, for all musicians and artists, there are some adjacencies?

Lemme give examples. There was this pianist that makes money by teaching others piano. There is this painter that teaches others to paint. There is this waiter that writes stories at night. There is this actor that works at a film portal.

The idea is that all of them do something adjacent to what they want to do. And each day at “work” makes them practice and hone their art better.

Can I create economically viable businesses and ideas around these adjacencies? Workshop for actors, coaching classes for musicians, etc, etc.

9.
Can I link various art forms and create a system per se where they seek help and work from each other and pay each other in-kind? Say, you are doing a concert and you need a poster for that. You tap into this network and get a poster designed. You now owe the network a unit of work. Someone else needs a piece of music and you owe the network one unit and you now create a piece of music that is worth that unit.

Am I making sense?

10.
And in the end, who even reads these posts? Do you?

The Happiness Equation

I wake up really early. To a point that I am often the first one on the roads, the first customer at the local Starbucks, the first person in the office, the first person to use the loo (I drink a lot of water) and so on and so forth. And thus I often get to see people and things that others miss. Like there is hardly any security at any office complex at 7 AM. The loos inside these office complexes, malls, and other places stink like fish markets because there is no one to clean those overnight. The staff at Starbucks is more concerned about getting the display right than serving the customers.

Today was no different. I came in at 7 AM. Said hi to the security guard that did do a customary check on my bag. The Barista made my coffee without me even placing the order. I had some 120023 glasses of water. And when at around 9 my bladder was about to burst, I ran to the loo. And there was this young boy, probably from the north-east cleaning the toilet. And may I say he was doing a kick-ass job at it. I mean I have seen my share of blue-collar work and my never-ending complaint is that most blue-collared workers do not take pride in what they do. They do because they do not have any other opportunities per se.

This guy was doing what Will Smith said about laying bricks. Each brick to the best of his ability. This guy was cleaning each inch of the place to the best of his ability. And I love people who do their jobs well. I made a mental note to look for him and hire him when I am able to. And I moved on.

Fast forward a couple of hours. I rushed to the loo yet again (yes I drink a lot of water) and I saw the young boy howling. He was surrounded by a couple of other workers from the mall. These older workers were consoling him. I tried to overhear but I could not understand the reason for commotion there. By the time I decided I want to intervene, a small crowd had gathered there, mostly made of staff at the mall. And I decided to not. I suck at handling mobs, crowds, and other such gatherings.

I peed as fast as I could, did not want my bladder to burst. And in the meanwhile, the guy had gotten quieter. Thank God for that. I should’ve asked him but I did not have the heart to go and even ask why was he crying.

I wish I had the balls to. I wish I had the resources to make him happy again. I mean I know that life’s purpose is to not chase happiness (well, I can debate) but I also know that the ones like me that are divinely discontent are ok with this discontentment in our bones. But the aam aadmi may not be. Most people I know seek peace, happiness, and other such things. And I think if they are not as fucked in the head as I am, they are well within their rights to seek happiness. And as someone who believes that the purpose of my life is to enable others to do better, I must be able to intervene and give them what they seek. Even if its happiness!

That’s the sad part of being human. There are 7.5 billion others around you. And each is in a different place on the continuum of sadness and happiness. Some are bang in the middle – at equanimity – but they are few and far between. I really wish I knew where is my default state on this continuum. I think I am around equanimity but I lean to the happiness side. I know of people that are equanimous but lean to sadness. And that is ok!

Brings me to an interesting juncture. And the entire point of this post.

I have realized that I tend to avoid even knowing about what makes other people sad. I can give numerous examples to substantiate this. When I am on the road and I pass by an accident, I do not look at the site. I simply turn my head. I don’t want to look at the gore and tears and all that. I don’t see films that showcase pathos. Like this recent film that came out where Deepika Padukone is trying to highlight the plight of the acid attack victims, despite angry skirmishes with a very dear friend, I could not bring myself to watch it. A friend suffered from a brain surgery a few years ago and she wanted me to see the pics of the operation, I could not. When someone suffers or is at a hospital, I don’t know what to do about it. I want to be around, comfort them but I don’t know how to do it without getting affected myself. A few days ago when a friend had a meltdown, I went in a shell for a few days. I am weak like that. I am not a good friend at such junctures. I HATE those WhatsApp forwards and videos that show accidents and gore. And I have friends that revel in sharing those. I know they get pleasure and these are intriguing. But these things make me suck in the gut.

I am often told by colleagues that my negotiation skills suck and I often leave a lot of money on the table for others. I am told that I go out of my way to make everyone happy and in the process get fucked myself. And I am told that even when I see that people are taking me for a ride, I play along, get hurt and make large, terrible losses. I once lost all my savings and 2-3 years of life because I was way too empathetic to say no to a bad idea. I often get into trouble when I poke my nose into the affairs of strangers on the Internet and try to offer them advice and inputs. I have been called a creep and psychopath and all that. At traffic signals when those beggars come and flaunt their disfigured bodies, I am unable to look at those. There is this restaurant here in Mumbai where the waiting staff is deaf and dumb. They may have the best food but I can not bring myself to ever go there. They may claim to give employment to people that need it, but I really think they are paddling pathos to profit from it. Or may be not. The point is, I can not bring myself to consume that.

Thing is, I can’t help but try and help when I know that things could be better. I feel compelled. You know, how people cant control?

No, I am not a pushover. No, I don’t seek acceptance. No, I don’t want approval. Rather, I want to be rich and connected and all that and I don’t know if it’s possible without being able to tramp on others. But I do know that I cant see people that are sad. And if while negotiating someone plays the sadness card, I let go.

Coming back to the young boy at the mall. I don’t know what made him that sad. But I do know that his tears have given me the inspiration to do more. To be able to reach a point where I can give away material things if those tears were induced by the want of something like that.

Over and out.

PS: If it’s an emotional turmoil, I don’t know how to help. May be become a guru or something.

PPS: I know it is not my problem and I don’t need to help everyone. I know people don’t even want help. And definitely not from me. And I know that people find a way. And I know time heals. And etc etc.

PPPS: As a kid, some 20-25 years, I saw a video of an American journalist’s throat being slit. Slowly. deliberately. With patience. Without any remorse. Even though I saw it at a friend’s place, on a grainy computer screen, the scene often plays in my head. And every time it does, I get fucked. As I write this, to be honest, I have this funny feeling in a pit at the back of my mind and I may just throw up. Later! Typos and formatting can wait.

The first five days of 2020

Today is the fifth day of the year / decade / whatever you want to call 2020. And I know that these 5 days haven’t been the greatest of them all. I have been unwell since the 28th and today it’s the 8th day when I’ve had something or the other affecting me. Its nothing serious (I hope). Just some cold, cough, sore SORE SSOORREE throat, choked nose and general lethargy that the Bombay weather has brought upon us. Oh, I slept in the wrong position and my entire left side is hurting like a bitch. You know, when you are suffering how things compound? And on top of that the ones that I want to be loved by, they seem to have time for everyone but me. Guess its a phase and it will pass.

Thing is, as I kid I would rarely fall sick and in the last 3-4 months, I have caught something or the other, including Dengue. I did what I’ve never done – taken meds, of allopathic, homeopathic and ayurvedic kinds. I even took meds to help me sleep better at night.

No, it is not work-related. It is not the best time but I’ve seen such times in the past. And when I am on my bed, I do NOT think about work. So that can’t be the reason.

No, it is not about motivation. As I write this, its 7:36 AM on a Sunday, and I am at a Starbucks. If it were motivation, I would be curled up in my bed.

No, it is not food. I’ve never eaten healthy, except the times when I was on Keto. I eat whatever is the right combination of money, time and convenience. Food has been like that for me. Maybe I need to change that? May be.

No, it’s not the new place. I mean the new locality I am living at is a lot more noisy, dusty, disorganized, messy and all that compared to the older one. But I think I sleep well. I even get some dreams – just that I don’t remember them anymore.

No, it’s not about relationships. Most of mine are functional. And like food, convenience-based. I don’t want anyone to do anything for me that makes them go out of their way. I have trained myself to learn that relationships are superficial for most people – they just don’t acknowledge it. Yes, this is a controversial and unpopular opinion but that’s how it is.

No, it’s not about me being careless. I am wearing enough clothes to cover myself. Like I am inside a store and wearing a warm jacket – the kinds I would not wear even in Delhi! I am even taken meds as I said earlier.

Yes, it’s troubling me enough that it has made it to my blog!

And I guess this is what growing old is? Unexplained illness, visible frailty, irritable mood and all that. No, I don’t like this. No, I did not sign up for this.

I think that’s about it. I hope I get well soon. I hate it when I am like this. I become a non-functional human being and a jackass to be around when I am unwell.

Pray for me.

And 2020, please get your act together. I have high hopes from you!

The feeling of being listless

So I have been feeling listless in the last few days. Even before I went to Bangalore. And I don’t know why. May be it is the new place that I have moved to. Or may be that I don’t have an AC at my place and thus I have had inconsistent and fitful sleep. Or it could be that I don’t have an office place anymore (the guys I was sharing an office with, they moved onto a new place and they no longer have a vacancy). Or may be I am stressed about something important to me – my work, relationships, money.

I can’t seem to put a finger on things but I am being so useless that it is not making me listless. You know, spiraling down the feedback loop? You do something because you are not well. That act of doing that something makes you all the more unwell. And because you are unwell, you do that something. And you get in that loop.

Lemme give another example. You are fat. You want to lose weight. But because you are fat, you can’t seem to gather what it takes to go ride the treadmill. Rather, you eat more as you struggle with the misery of not going on the treadmill. And because you can’t go to the treadmill and you can’t stop eating, you get fatter.

Fuck. I am doing such a bad job of explaining this! I need to brush up my skills to explain things.

Anyway, I have been so listless that I am actually miserable in the head. I am so out of sync with how I identify with myself, the story that I tell myself, the narrative if you will…

Wait.
Who am I?
What is the story that I tell myself?
What is the song that I sing to myself?
What is my narrative?

Simple.
I am someone who wants to improve every day. And help others around me improve. And in the process, make money, create impact and move the world forward. This quote summaries me well…

So, if I am not improving myself every day, I believe I am not living. I am not alive. And how do I improve myself every day? Simple. Create (more) and consume (lesser). Meet more people. Work on my physical, emotional and mental sides of life. Physical – no I don’t work out but I like to walk, I like to eat in moderation. I like to sleep better. Mental – get active, keep my head engaged, think of things that I believe need work on. Emotional – become stronger to be able to cope up with the vagaries of life.

And I am not doing any of these. At all. I am not reading. I am not writing. I am not meditating. I am not creating. I am not meeting interesting people. I am not chasing largeness the way I ought to chase. I am not creating opportunities for myself. I am not consuming media (not reading books, seeing content, listening to podcasts, etc). I am not thinking. I am not actively questioning things and opinions and ideas. I am just being a vegetable. Heck, I am not being a good vegetable – not been sleeping well at all, like I said.

I am not doing anything that I want to be doing with my life or time. And it sucks so bad that I can’t seem to put my finger to it!

This suckyness in the head and the inability to think of answers is not the best place to be at. And I need to get out of it. And from whatever limited I can think, there could be a few solutions. Lemme try and list those.

To start with, this…

Found this on Kunal Shah’s twitter feed. Very consistent with what I’ve been saying all my life. Happen to things, rather than waiting for things to happen to you. Become a high agency individual, if you will.

Translating this into specifics, the action items for the next few days are…

1. I will go and find an office place for myself. Just that most of the co-working places are way too expensive and not designed to enable work. Really. They are not. And it’s pathetic. So, despite the limitation, I will find something that allows me to start work at 7 AM. And is accessible. Even if I have to spend extra, I will.

2. Get back to that life where work was the only priority and nothing else mattered.
Last few days, I don’t know why and how I started to take it easy. Which means that I would do those parties and stay up late and socialize and meet people to “catchup” and all that. Which works well for a lot of people. But not for me. So, I need to get back to that inhuman life and routine where I am up with the sun and spend more of my waking time working (and not leisuring).

3. Think hard about each thing and cut out parts that are hampering my sanity. If a relationship is not giving me happiness or comfort or peace of mind, I will move out of it. If there is an idea that is not progressing despite all my intentions, I will get out of it. If I have to take hard decisions, I will. Like AK told me yesterday, I am fucked because I am attached to things that I should’ve let go a long time ago! I mean if C4E does not make money for me, I should think hard about it and put a pause to it, if I have to. If I can’t seem to get the book 2 going, I must quit the idea of working on it. You get the drift?

4. Get my sleep in order. Since I’ve moved to the new house, I’ve not been sleeping well. And it’s affecting the way I operate. May be that it the key reason for my unhappiness and how I operate. Over the new few days, I will get my sleep in order. Everything else can wait. In fact, this should be on the top of the list. But it’s too much edit. So let is remain here.

So yeah.

This is the rant for the day.

Thank God I have this blog and a daily journal of sorts to record how I feel. If not for these, I would probably go mad. I wonder how those people that remain quiet operate. I could never. I need something to talk to, someone to rant to. Even if its the blog.

What about you?