Rant – Page 2

This Diwali…

So, there is this tradition at home where all four of us (my parents, my sis and I) come together for Diwali. Well, come together is hyperbole. My parents live together at the place that I call home (in Delhi). My sis and I are often out for work. But wherever we are, we make it a point to come back to Delhi for Diwali. Even if it’s for a day, we come back.

We do the Diwali pooja in our kitchen (used to feel like such a big space when I was a kid; now we hardly fit inside. That’s the thing with spaces – they don’t contract or something, just that we grow up and things that we work with expand).

Digressing.

Coming back.

So, this Diwali was probably the first time all 4 of us weren’t together. My sis is away and it was too impractical and too expensive to come home for the tradition.

And I will not lie but I did feel a lump in my throat for a few seconds when I realized that this year’s togetherness will not be complete. I even imagined that a time would come when none of us would be around and I don’t know who would miss us. Or if there is any meaning to these traditions.

Maybe this is what growing up is. May be this is how the entire world feels like because they don’t have enough things to digress themselves with. You know, if I had things to occupy my head with (work et al), I would probably be too busy to even miss my sis. But work has not been too great lately and that means all I had was emotions. And they were running high! I even wrote a post about it!

That’s the other thing. I have been writing this blog for some 15 years now. And I have remained pseudo-social. I have spoken about things that are personal and that I often don’t tell my friends and all. And I think it has served me well. In the sense, this blog has sort of become that person that I can confide in. I am fucked in the head. I write some stuff here. And then I am ok. This blog is like my best friend that I can confide in and does not judge me and has the answers.

Of course, there are far deeper and darker things that I don’t write on a public platform. I write those on this secret blog that no one has access to. It has things that I would be ashamed of if they were to be published in the newspaper.

But the thing is, as I grow older (and hopefully wiser), I am becoming a lot more comfortable with myself as an individual and with my insecurities and my flaws. I am the way I am. And I want to not hide the flaws. I want to see them in the newspaper. I want to ~~blurt~~ yell at the top of my voice and make the world hear about them.

I know that the business I am in runs on reputation and a lot of people may not want to attach their names with mine if I start living my true self. I already get a lot of flak for the way I dress. I don’t think I can add more eccentricities to it.

But then, as I go along, I think it’s ok. I’d rather be with people that I like to be with and the ones that like to be with me. There are 7bn+ people and the law of numbers dictates that I would find some that respect me for my decisions. And that’s what I want to chase. Fuck the pretense. Fuck the attempts at fitting in. Fuck the conformity. I am going to embrace my individuality and the choices that I believe are worth making.

Wow. I digressed to dunno what level.

When I started writing this, I wanted to write about traditions and how they gain importance as they age and how they add meaning to the lives of people. And how people do irrational things to fit into the world’s view of traditions. And how someone like me who loved to be so rational that I left things behind to chase optimal results could become irrational to follow traditions. I wanted to use the Diwali pooja at home as an excuse to write about emotions and how they are often meant for people that have nothing to look up to. Or forward to. But I don’t know what all I wrote. As I was editing, I realized that I have written about the ideas of conformity and freedom and choice. Heck, are we even free? Fuck, that’s another debate for another time.

For the time being, I think I am glad that I back to writing. Wrote an SoG yesterday after almost 2 months. And today this blogpost. And if time permits, another SoG today.

For the time being, over and out!

The Birthday Blues

So, for the record, birthdays are the absolute worst thing in the world for people who are underachievers and are not ok with their underachievement.

You know what am saying? Some people do well for themselves. Most people don’t and yet they are ok with it. And then there is a handful like me who want to do really well really bad and are unable to and have no clue what to do about it. And for people like that, people like me, birthdays are the worst thing ever.

The very idea that I am a year older with nothing tangible or emotional to show for is the worst ever. Most years I escape the feeling when I get away from the world I know and thus even the idea that it was the day when you were born almost 4-decades ago. This year, thanks to the lull in the business and dwindling bank balance, I had to stay put. And it was a terrible decision. I should’ve gone away.

Anyhow. So because I could not get away, I was watching this documentary on Bill Gates – where he is talking about his life and what he wants to do with it. And there’s just one word that came to my head as I was seeing it. Wow.

Bill is a living example of what exemplary achievement is. On all counts. Business. Impact. Philanthropy. Investing. People. Growth. Partnership. Relationships (though he could do better on that count). Think of a thing and he has excelled at it.

Now, look at me. All 37 years of my existence. What do I have to report for these years?

Nothing!

But then, thanks to Bill, I am inspired to do more with my life. Really am. But I am also a tad bit depressed about my inability to have led a meaningful life. Or have any impact. Or reach any sort of success with anything. It’s been 37 years and these years that I have spent amount to nothing.

I don’t have a thing that people evaluate others on – financial savings, tangible assets, intangible impact, etc. I don’t have a thing that will be remembered after I am gone. Fuck the legacy – I don’t care what happens when I am gone but I want to make a tangible difference to the lives of people around me. And beyond. I have nothing of that sort happening. If I had a fat-ass naukri, I would tell myself that at least I have this fat bank balance. But that too is, well, blue!

Damn!

Chalo, enough.

Hope tomorrow is a little better.

#untitled – 20092019

Yo Fam (see am a hipster – I call readers “fam”. If you are old like me, you may want to read what fam means here)!

Trust you are well. I am ok. I could be better though. Such is life. You know, ups and downs. Ebbs and flows. Light and darkness. Yin and yang. Yes and no. Fuck I can make a long list of dualities that us humans are subjected to all the time! But that’s not the point of this post. The point is, well, no point.

Thing is, I haven’t written for a while – not here, not on book2 (which is a focus area for me this month), not on SoG (even though, thanks to a tweet by Ashish, it got more than 20 new subscribers), not on my echoChamber, not on my tracker that tracks EVERYthing I do. Heck, I am not even posting on twitter (well, I am. But not as much as I would like to).

There’s this lull. I think its a reflection of how things are around us. Almost everyone including me seems to be struggling to make ends meet (except the ones that have stable naukris – and what’s a stable naukri, well I don’t know). And because there is this general pessimism, it probably has trickled down to me. And you know these things tend to have a feedback loop. I am not happy. That means I don’t feel like working. I am not working and hence I am not creating anything. I am not creating anything, I don’t see the output. I don’t see the output, I don’t get happy. And I get unhappier. And the thing spirals down to a point where I hit rock bottom.

This spiral had to be broken. And that can only happen if you are creating (in my case). Works different for different people. So, I am back to creating. Starting with this blog. And then extending this to work. And beyond.

You know, how they say that you can’t control shit that happens in the world but you can control how that manifests at your end? That!

That’s about it for the time being. Good to be back.

Oh and in case you did not spot anything amiss, I think I would say I’ve done a great job. And if you did, pray tell me. And if you don’t care, well, who does 😀

On writing (from my newsletter)…

Wrote this in today’s edition of my daily-ish newsletter. Subscribe here. Thought it deserved a wider subscription.

What I write, to be honest has nothing to do with my book or the film. Neither it inspires any of my readers to do anything extraordinary. But to me, writing is about writing for the sake of writing. You know, getting some words on paper (or keystrokes on a laptop) is like the best thing that can ever happen to me. I mean, I can’t paint. I don’t have the ability to hold attention. I am not well-read (ok, I read a lot but I haven’t read deeply about things – you know, have merely scratched the surface). I cant doodle. I am not funny. I have two left feet (so dance is out). I am the greatest bathroom singer to have ever walked the Mother Earth and thus I must never sing outside. The guitar and the Uke are rotting in some corners in the house. Bicycling is not my thing. Clubs are boring. I’d love to take photographs but requires way too much patience. Video games were a thing when I was younger – now, I don’t have the reflexes. I would watch TV when I had more time but with attention spans getting shorter and time becoming increasingly rare, I tend to pick other things to invest my time on.

So, I am left with writing as the thing to find an escape. And to find inspiration. And to try and get to salvation. Of course, I am yet to reach a point where I can say that I am good writer, the point, ladies and gents, is, writing is what makes me happy and makes me forget the fuckeries and vagaries of the world around me. And you know what, I am grateful about it. I just need to do a lot more of it!

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Originally posted in today’s edition of my daily-ish newsletter. Subscribe here.

The randomness of success

Remember, yesterday, I talked about the guy that I met that made me think hard? Well, that hard thinking is still happening! In the sense that what he said, I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. There are a million threads going all over the place but the one that I keep coming back to, again and again, and again and again and again is the one where he asked me about my heroes and their success. He said, what if the heroes that I look up to (people like Steve, Bill, Elon, Jeff, Paul, Raj, Suvi, Rajesh and others) were not really driven by hard work but by randomness. What if they just got lucky and there is no formula that you can take from their success to apply to your life and get successful.

Now, this is a very new idea to me. I mean am aware of the concept of fooled by randomness and the coin-flipping concept outlined in the Superinvestors of Graham and Doddsville. But I never applied that to the success of people that I look up to. I always thought they were ahead of the curve because they were doing something right. And I’ve believed that I can reverse engineer their success and create this magic potion that can help me find success.

But this very thought that the heroes that I look up to could be because of sheer luck, it is not cool. In the sense, I want to believe that success is achievable and there is a path that I can walk to reach the end goal. I am not getting in this debate between goals, path, destinations, etc. Hope you get the drift when I say that you can tread a certain path to reach the end goal.

I tried hard to give evidence against the assertion. I said that if success is random, then how is that some people can get successful at multiple ventures. And before I could wait for a reply from the guy, it dawned on to me that just the law of large numbers can explain people who have multiple successes and people who have nothing. It IS all randomness!

The idea that success is random also sort of questions the very existence of this idea called Saurabh Garg. I mean the inking that I have in terms of what I want to do with life is around enabling others to live their best life and that means I need to help them get successful. But, if I can’t decode success and thus I can’t enable it, why am I even alive?

Day 3.

Today is day 3 of publishing three days on the trot on my blog. The one I wrote the day before, there was an agenda to it. The one I wrote yesterday, there was no agenda. Today, I have one. To take the streak to 3. In absence of anything meaningful on my hands and absence of ideas that I can work on to make meaning, this is the least I can do.

As I write this, I have not checked my email in the last 18 hours or so and no the world has not come crashing down. I will check emails right after this post is done. I have spent less than 10 minutes on Twitter + Instagram combined. I feel I am missing out on a lot. But so far nothing has been taken away from me. Guess once I miss on a big opportunity because I was not around to respond to messages. But then, like they say, if there’s something that is important enough for you to know, it will find a way to reach you. So, let’s see. I have stayed away from Whatsapp as well. Unless absolutely necessary.

Thing is, I am trying to implement Deep Work philosophy in life.

It is tough – this concentration without the distractions that I am used to. So far its been a few hours and I am yet to see any tangible positive results. If I can do this for a month or so, I will probably see the impact. Let’s see how that goes. I just need to get enough writing and enough exercise done. Once that happens, life would be ok I guess – other pieces are good (family, relationships, friends, etc). Money continues to remain a challenge. Let’s see when that gets resolved.

The thing with Deep Work is that it asks you to allocate distraction free chunks of time on things. Like this piece. I allocated 30 minutes to write this piece. I am in the 17th minute and I don’t know what else to write. I have to persist for 13 more minutes and write whatever comes in my head. Ok, 10ish. I will need 3 minutes to edit, spell-check, etc.

The biggest takeaway that I had from this book was the importance of winding down. I knew about it but I would never exercise it. Now is the time to do it. Yesterday I did not work as I was about to sleep. I did not start work immediately as I woke up today. Of course, work is light these days and thus I have the luxury. Let’s see how the next few days (as I get busier) go.

Ok, I am at the 23rd minute and I can’t write anymore. Will edit and publish this.

And that’s about it for the time being. There is nothing else to write. I will, however, write a few more words today on SoG 1KWAD piece. In case you want to receive those in your mailbox, please let me know.

Chalo, over and out.

PS: As I was editing this, I realized that there are so many forward-looking statements in this piece! Such has life been – forward-looking. Saving up sex for old age. Etc.

PPS: Why would I force myself to implement Deep Work? Because I realized that life is short, you are alone and we waste so much time that it’s not funny. And, this quote…

Dr. Peterson says, “if for 10 years you dint avoid doing what you knew you needed to do, what would you be like?”

My next ten years started on Jul 1, 2019. I am 10 days in and if I can’t write every day, why am I even trying? There is so much comfort in taking up an easy job!

Till tomorrow…

Rant – 8 Jul 2019

Ranty post ahead. Talks of things that may not be polite or nice or good. Read at peril.

So, few things happened in the last few days that have pushed me to the edge, if there is an edge. No, I did not want to jump over something. Just that it was stifling, for the want of a better word. You know, how life could be unfair? If the last few days is any indication, life IS unfair. And is probably meaningless. So so many things happened that left me listless. Lemme talk of each of those in short.

A, A friend is going through a bad breakup. The girl is clinically unwell and seeing a doctor. The guy is ok but his parents are unwell and is at hospitals all day long. I am one of their common friends and I thus know both sides of the story. And its a stalemate – it is not going anywhere, both of them know about it but hoping to not accept it. I wish I could fix it. Two great people. In pain. For no rhyme or reason.

B, Someone I knew about and had exchanged a few tweets with passed away. No, I did not know the guy. I knew of him. Just that he was everything that I’ve ever wanted to be – nice guy, chasing fitness, restauranteur, helpful (he would help everyone that needed help), married to the love of his life, hustler, stood up for times when he was wrong, celebrated awards that his restaurant would get and so on and so forth. Because I knew of him on Twitter, while he and his life are familiar, he was still a stranger to me. And despite that, when he passed away, it came as a shock to me. He was young and he was a great guy. And you know, bad things aren’t supposed to happen to great people. But it did. Life is fucking unpredictable, unfair and terribly short! Wish I could undo it!

C, Work hasn’t been great lately. I am working on this project that I really want to do well and despite all my attempts, I am failing at it. To a point that I am doubting my abilities. I anyway suck at BD and when I can’t seem to deliver on a project, I get jacked in my head. My work is really really important to me and it sucks when I suck at it. And it sucks all the more that I don’t know how to fix it 🙁

D, Something happened with this group of friends (no, can’t talk about it here – this is reserved for sgEchoChamber) that made me realize that I do not have any close friends. I am just a convenient acquaintance to most people I call a friend. And the stupid part is that I’ve molded my entire life hoping to be of use to people I call friends!

E, I’ve been unwell for far too long. And there’s a different thing every goddamn time. Like this recent trip to Delhi (more about it in a bit), every time I’d sit in a cab, I’d feel pukish. Every time I’d eat something oily, I’d want to die. And this was coming on the back of that week when I feel sick. So, that’s not been cool either.

F, the only thing that was working out was the letters that I would send and the connections I made from those. Those too sort of stopped once I was in Delhi. Blame it on travel and general fuckery of the mind.

Lemme talk about Delhi. So I had this meeting on a Tuesday and I decided to stay back the week. And I did. Met old friends and acquaintances. Jammed with them – it helped because they don’t see me on a day to day basis, they could see things from an emotionally detached space. And thus, got tons of ideas. Which was a great thing to get some much-needed distraction!

I also realized that I probably will never be the Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or Elon Musk. Heck, I won’t be Paul Graham ever. Leave him aside. I won’t even be an Indian Internet Entrepreneur that impacts things at scale. And it’s not a great feeling to realize that you will not be what you ~~thought~~ knew you were all your life!

So yeah. These and other such things kept me awake. Pushed me to the edge.

And while I was thinking about things and writing this, I realized that I ought to be so thankful about my life. And about all the opportunities that come my way. And now that I am trying to get out of the slumber, I think I will have to be faster and lot on point.

Guess these are the rude shocks that I needed to be able to make my life better and larger and all that? No?

The SM Detox – Apr-May 2019

So I had this work travel thing from 28th of April till the 8th of May and I decided that this would be a great opportunity to not use the phone / SM. Why? Two reasons.

A, because I am travelling for work, I have this excuse that I can’t respond. So, I could get away from all the calls/emails etc.

B, I had to anyway do 12 sessions (one session is one weekend) of detox in this year. That means one session every month. And I am running terribly behind schedule on that. This was the perfect opportunity!

Side note. In case you are interested, this is what I hope to do in 2019.

So, from that 10ish-day long period when I did not have Twitter or Instagram, here are some random observations. In no order…

1. Replacements.
The human mind is so amazing that in the absence of little Dopamine awards that I was getting I found alternatives.

Once I uninstalled twitter, FB and Instagram, I resorted to using LinkedIn as a Social Networking tool. No, I did not respond to messages from strangers but I would scroll the timeline to see what the world was up to. Which is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. Good – I know what the world is up to. Bad – the jealousy pangs when you see that everyone else has all the money.

The other one I got hooked onto was Tik Tok. Really. It’s sad to another level. I’ll probably write about it soon.

And 2048 (I saw Mihir play it on his computer once and I am hooked). I did reach 4096 if that is any validation.

2. Bliss
I realised that in the absence of social media, I had no clue what was happening in the world around me. I don’t read newspapers and I don’t have access to a TV. So I was largely ignorant about what was happening in the world. Things like elections, IPL and others went by and I was not affected at all.

3. Sleep
Did I sleep well because I was a little less anxious? No, I did not. Not because I did not have SM. But because I was at an event.

4. Am I working more / better?
No. I don’t know why. I think this is that thing that says that most people would revert to being their laziest self if given an opportunity. I’ve been lazy past so many days. I need to fix it.

5. I am old.
I realised that I am growing old fast. There was a time when I could stay up for hours at stretch and not get tired. Now, I was like a zombie. Even though I was not scrolling through my timeline, I was still up (for work) and that affected my health. It’s been 2 days that I am back and I am still weak and groggy and all that.

6. It’s tough to get back to the grind.
Really is. Really is. In the sense that, like I said, been two days, I am yet to start work! Work in the sense – writing, meetings, work etc.

7. I am sure there are more! But for the time being, this is it.

The lessons for next time?
That when I go on a digital detox, I ought to throw my phone out altogether. Sounds scary. But let’s see if I can do that.

Chalo, that’s it for the time being. Over an out.

PS: To be honest, this is not the best post that I’ve written.
I just wanted to get back in the grind of writing every day – I am yet to restart the SoG series (haven’t been able to think of the future of those letters), haven’t written a post on 100 people to thank, haven’t added a word on my next book even though I have someone who is helping me. Like I said, it’s tough 🙁

Let’s see where this goes in a few days.

The Fitness Inspiration

Everyone I know around me is on the fitness bandwagon.

And why not. As societies and humans evolve and you rise up the Maslow’s pyramid, you look at things that you could do to make life better and simpler and more fulfilling. And to be able to able to do that, you ought to be in the prime of your health. Health is an enabler if nothing else.

I have been unwell past few days and the impact and the effect that it has had on how I work and on my productivity has been visible. Not just to me. But to the ones around me. My team, my employers and all that. And it’s not a great feeling. And I feel so helpless, so constrained that I don’t know what to do.

And the funny thing is that every day I meet someone that has sort of transformed their lives using fitness as a tool.

Exhibit A. The marketing God.
Yesterday I met this guy who is like a marketing genius. He loved his alcohol, still loves his smokes and had this super unhealthy lifestyle that most advertising professionals have. Last I saw him, he was a fit dude. You would call him anything but fat. Yesterday? He was a transformed man. There were cheekbones, veins popping out of his arms and legs, thin frame that could not hold even a medium sized tee. At first, I thought he was unwell. But then he told me that he’s off cigarettes, alcohol and any sort of oil for more than 6 months. And that has made all the difference.

He also said something interesting. He said that food used to be an ingredient required to keep us alive (like water and air). Just that over time marketers and the vain ones have made food into an experience. And of course, if YNH is to be believed, its food that domesticated us. Not us who tamed agriculture. It’s a powerful idea if you think about it. Thank God that I am not that sold into this entire experience thing.

Exhibit B. Shatrujeet Nath – the popular author!
I haven’t met him in a while but his Facebook post told me that he can now do a plank for like 5 minutes. In the world of planking 5 minutes is like an eternity. Last time I tried a plank, I herniated my intestines. And Shatru is someone who loved his cigarettes and old monks. Oh, he’s off the smokes as well. It’s been a year now. Fuck! Mad! Respect!

Exhibit C. Someone who’s not fit.
There is this friend who just started on this super amazing, life-changing opportunity. And when I met him yesterday, instead of being ecstatic about things, he was unwell and miserable. Physically. Not in the head. And the reason was that he’s unhealthy. And not because he smokes or whatever. But he loves his food. And eats whatever moves. As long as it is vegetarian. And all the food that he eats gets accumulated and fucks with his systems.

Exhibit D. Saurabh Garg. Hello 🙂
If I am to get close to my life mission, I HAVE to live long. And not just live long, but be healthy. And I have so much inspiration around me. There are these Silicon Valley icons that I respect and want to emulate (Kevin, Larry, Sergey, Peter, Tim and others) and yet I can’t seem to get going with a fitness routine.

I have so many friends that I am surrounded by, that believe in fitness more than anything else. So much so that it is central to their existence. Abhinav, Amol, Ashima, Bhaargav, Harshit and others. You talk to them and all they can talk about is how it’s imperative to work on the health and nothing else. They get up early, do their workout, eat well, take supplements, sleep on time and all that.

I even have a few strangers that have been egging me to run with them. And yet I can’t do it.

I have so much motivation around me that I should just start running and never stop. You know, like Forrest. And yet, for some reason, I can’t seem to get a regular workout done. I have tried and failed to continue. I fucking need that zabardast toofan to get me out of my slumber!

Come on, Universe!

Sleepless.

The unthinkable happened yesterday.

I got a call from my landlord asking me to pay my rent that was overdue. No, the rent was not overdue because I could not pay. I have the money. But because there is a cash component in the rent that requires me to withdraw cash and send someone over to his office and deposit the same. Haha, cashless economy. And of course, I could not find someone to do that! Thus the snafu.

So the landlord called me and was curt when he spoke to me about it. I don’t blame him. If I were him, I would do the same. I would probably be rude as well. He wasn’t. Thank God for that.

This call is not the point. Neither is the fact that I am late.

The point is, I haven’t been able to sleep since then. Because I am rattled that I owe some money to someone and I haven’t paid them on time. Fuck these middle-class values that are so deeply ingrained in me.

I am so rattled that its 2 AM and despite the long, tiring day I had, I am unable to sleep. I had to get up and get this out of my head. I can’t seem to stop thinking about the call from my landlord! And no, I am not exaggerating! I just couldn’t sleep! And not that I am getting thrown out of my place anytime soon, the landlord is very kind. But this is unsettling af. To a point that I had to get up and dump my thoughts on the blog! Darn.

Thing is, all my life I have lived debt-free. The last big loan I took was for my MBA at MDI. And that was in 2006. Since then, the only money that I’ve ever owed to anyone has been either credit cards (which are great to give you some liquidity for a few days) or business loans (I still owe ~~some~~ a lot of money to a lot of people I’ve borrowed from, for work). In either case (cards, business loans), I understand my obligations. I know that there is an impending deadline and I know that I will pay the money back. Was the same with rent. But I know I missed the deadline. And that has set in motion a chain of events that I am not sure how to fix!

Fuck I have lost lakhs and lakhs on business ideas that I thought could work, people that I thought were sincere, cancelled hotel bookings, expensive gadgets that I don’t need and even on friends that I thought would pay me back when they could. And more. And yet, I’ve slept like a baby. I have not given money a second thought ever. Even when I had close to zero in my bank, I did not bother. I knew something would work out. It always does. Not this time.

You know, time and again I am reminded that my relationship with money is warped and I need to fix it. For multiple reasons.

A, I don’t understand money. At all. I thought that it was a mere tool to conduct exchange. But clearly, it is a lot more.
B, I want a lot of it but I don’t know where to go get it.
C, I know its not important (it is important but not worth obsessing over. Its just a tool) and yet a lot of my mindspace is occupied with it.
D, I wont know what to do with it, if I had all the money in the world!
E, I don’t even know the utility of money apart from buying comforts. I mean money to me means freedom – to do things as per your whims. And to say no to things that you would not want to do! What else is it?
F, The kind of life I live (and plan to live), I am not sure if I would ever want to buy a house. And if I am not buying, and renting is the only option, how will I ever live with peace? Pay all the rent in advance?

Of course, I am privileged to have access to enough money to live a fairly decent lifestyle, so what if it is in Ghatkopar – it is still a modern high-rise. I sincerely don’t know what would I do if I had to live like most other Indians do. I’d probably give up :(. The thought itself is scary.

To a point that I have this renewed commitment to do whatever it takes (saam, daam, dand, bhed and more) to make all the money that I can. So that I don’t ever have to get a similar call from anyone. Ever.

Oh, and one more thing. If I have to be that ruthless dude that can make the dent in the universe, how am I to survive if a simple phone call can rattle me so much?

Any ideas? answers? tips?

–

Saurabh Garg

3:51 AM, 20 Mar 2019,

Mumbai.

The Mosquito Net

It is 0651 and I am at a Starbucks outlet – the only one that opens 24×7, close to the airport. I am here because I could not sleep last night. And why is that? Because there were way too many mosquitoes at home and I did not have a repellant. While I dream of becoming an assassin that can survive the jungles and all that, I cant sleep in a room that has like 10 mosquitoes. Talk of a guarded life and all that. Salute to the ones that can tolerate the menace of the blood-sucking monsters. Literally. They take your blood away. And no, it is not cool how they do it. Bitches.

The other reason could be this ongoing restless in my head. You know how everything is ok and yet you think someone is missing? That!

I mean I have nothing to be alarmed about. Work is not really smooth but I have enough to live in comfort. Health is not the greatest but I am recovering. I am not making an impact but I think I am at this point where I am sort of beginning to accept that I may die an insignificant death. I am not an artist and I don’t have the luxury of time to be one. I regret that I wasted so much time while I was young. All those years that I spent chasing dreams for other people were meaningless. The opportunities that I am creating for people that work with me, I wish someone created those for me when I was younger. Ok, enough of a rant.

The funny part is that I am unable to sleep even though I took R14. And I got this head massage last night (that is supposed to help me sleep better). Plus, I am on this non-stop trip to meditate and make my head denser (again, one of the side benefits is that it relaxes you). Plus I ensure that the room is cold enough. But then the mosquitoes did not get the memo I guess. And the demons in my head (if I may call them that) probably got the memo but decided to toss it in the bin. I am sure they would’ve missed the shot (after all they are in my head).

The good part (of course there is a good part) is that I am at Starbucks. And that means I got some work done. For example, I wrote and sent #SoG100. I am writing this post. I will write a short note on #tnks that I can send to studios for adaptation into a film. Etc etc.

You may ask, if you couldn’t sleep, you could’ve worked at home. Why waste money on travel and expensive, tasteless coffee?

That’s the other thing. Despite all my attempts in all sincerity, I have come to realise that I can’t work at home. Last two days I have just wasted time on TV like a sloth and ate like a pig.

I MUST spend as less time as I could at home. Before this bout of unwellness (lol), I actually was using my home to merely sleep. Life was following a routine and things would happen on autopilot. Life was that predictable that I was a sitting duck if someone wanted to kill me. But why would they? I am worth nothing.

But thanks to this in and out trip to a life of routine, I now EXACTLY know what they mean when they say that routines set you free. I loved it when I knew that I will be at my desk at wework at 7 and will come back home and sleep once I am done with my work. I could pack in a lot more. I could get so much more done. I had my time to myself and everyone around me could slot their life per my whims. The ones that wanted to meet me, made an effort to fit in. The ones that I wanted to meet, I’d make an effort. Life was good.

All was ok till I went to Goa and fell sick. Since then, I have been stuck with a bad bout of unwellness (lol x 2). Plus I was kinda busy with a project for the last 20 odd days. Now that it is over, I think I will get back to the routine. And will start focusing on the health. Starting today. Let’s see how it goes. Step 1 is to get back to a good diet. I will need a few days of detox to get back to good eating habits. I am trying to fast today. I know I can – I ate enough over the last 7 days to actually get a bulge in my belly! All I need is to have enough water.

So yeah. That’s about it.

January was a good start.

February was when I got derailed.

Maybe I will be back to grind in March.

Wish me luck.

And until next time…

As I end this, time is 0722. #randomStats

15 years (and 7% of the year). #3

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Yo whoever still reads this on a regular basis. Wassup?

So, the first post on this blog came up on Jan 18, 2004. See it here. And yes, its cringe-inducing. But heck it was a start. To something that has become such an integral part of my life that I cant imagine a life without it. There have been times when I’ve thought of shutting the blog down, making it private, publishing an archive in to a book and merging with other publications that I have started at various times in life. I am sure I must have had many more bright ideas about the blog. Thankfully, I did not pay heed to any of those. This blog has become a constant for me. Something that I cant imagine my life without! Really.

Ok, time to stop reminiscing and look at today. And at the future.

As on 26th, 7% of the year is over. Yes! It feels like yesterday when everyone was chilling and making merry and ringing in the new year. But ladies and gents, time flies. At least for me.

27 days are over and I have not moved an inch in this year. I mean I did…
– signup for what could be the project of the lifetime,
– a 40-hour fast,
– start working on book2,
– start writing #SoG and have been almost consistent with those.

I also am meditating on and off. I recorded a podcast with Krishna. I am journaling very regularly. I have been able to lo-tech in my daily life (more pen and paper etc). And other small things.

But these remain scattered. And these dont really add up. You know.

And, I am still poor and look up to friends when the month ends. I am not yet fit. The abs are like a million workouts away. I have a million reasons to be sad. But then, like they said in Inside Out, I dont want Sadness to control my machine. I’d rather have Joy talk to you.

So Joy! He says that life has been good. Things are going great. Things are actually looking up. Need to sort relationships and money. Rest of it is in place. And no, havent given up on the dream to make a dent in the world. Or make a billion dollars. Or to climb the Everest. I will do it. The last two, before Jan 1, 2026. I am committed.

I just need to pull my socks and get back to the grind. I feel that digital detox that I did in Dec 2018 is to blame. I never came back. I mean I started using technology but I never picked up speed with work. The way I was at it. And you know the worse part? I am perfectly ok with not delivery. And no, its not cool. I will fix it. Promise.

Anyhow.

How is it going for you guys? Are you on track with your yearly goals? This piece on Harvard can actually help! Or may be not. I shared with a few friends and they were dismissal of this piece. Clickbait, they said.

What are your ideas / strategies for staying on course?