Category: Sad

The last few days…

Hola amigos! Wassup?
No, I am not learning French. Or whatever that language is. I just wanted to change the salutation that I use to start a post with. You know, its getting boring with these numbers. Wait. What number is it today? 47 I think. 
So, here’s the thing. When we started with this lockdown, I thought that I’d be able to manage the solitude, the ambiguity, the distance from all the things that I love (no, I am not missing people, to be honest), and all that. And I think I was ready to brave the break. And honestly, it did work well. Till the last couple of days. Or may be three. Not sure. But as we speak, I know I can feel the effect of this lockdown. I need to step out. And I will probably try an outing tomorrow. 
But before that, since this is something that is affecting my head, I need to find a way to fix it. Afterall, I am a padha likha samajhdaar aadmi na! So, I am going to subject myself to shit that I recommend to others. 
Here’s my self-diagnosis. 
A. Are you working out? 
No, I am not. I was, till about three days. No no, my workout do not mean that I go gymming. But I do try and walk about 10000 steps every day. 
B. Are you aiming for a goal at the beginning of each day? You know, making meaning outta your life? 
Most days yes. 
Last few days, no. 
C. Is it work that is affecting your sanity?
Nope. There is no work. 
Events 🙂
D. Did you have an argument with your loved ones? Significant others? 
Nah. The ones that I care for, they are ok. I am talking to them ok. 
The ones that I want to care for, not fought with them either. So that’s cool. 
E. Are you eating well?
No I am not. Not at all. In fact, am eating more crap than ever. In the last three days, I’ve had popcorn, paranthas, chole bhature, samosas, Maggi and I don’t know how much bread. Pots and pots of coffee. And thankfully, no diet coke. Phew. Need to cut it. Need to get back to IF. I thnk how I ate over the last few days reflect how I feel. And how I feel affects how I eat. It is so connected! 
F. Is it a one-time thing? An isolated incident? Or has it been happening regularly over the last few days?
I think its a one-off. I have been pretty much ok if I ignore the last few days! 
G. Ok. Do freewriting about things that are creating the muck in your head? 
Ok. This will be tough. Quite a few things. For starters, I am not sure where am I headed in terms of my career. In the sense, there are a million things that I work on and none of those make either the impact or the money. And I am not sure how long can I keep going without a tangible output. I like results, you know. 
Plus the moves that I’d made, investments that I’d made in people and ideas and projects seem to be sliding away. And this is not new. I have fucked up in the past as well. To a point that I’ve questioned my very identity. But back then, when things went south in the past, I have been ok with those. I am mostly ok with maintaining a stoic distance. 
Also, I am an ageist. I am past my useful age. I’ve mostly been vocal about my age and the urgency with which I need to work. This lockdown and the disappearance of work has made me ponder if I were slow all this while! Do I need to fast forward and put more pressure? On myself? On the people that I work with? Do I need to work harder? Or do I merely wait for life to pass by and remain a “potential”? I mean I am done with 3/4th of my life. And COVID is making it apparent that life is uncertain (not that I did not know this prior to the crisis). So, do I just wait and die an anonymous death? Or do I try and make some movement happen? And go out and try to make that dent. Of course, these dents are meaningless in the large scheme of things but I am human. I want to be able to get others to do more with their lives. I am after all supposed to represent the idea of opportunity. I mean I was to be that outsider that hustled hard to do the impossible and while he was on the journey, inspired others, created opportunities for everyone around him, and ultimately made the world a better place! 
Ok, these were large issues. Simple things like ticking things off a checklist are not happening. I have not moved an inch on my book, leave alone other projects. I am not sure what is it that I am struggling with. 
Apart from these, I am of course fucked about the money situation but then that’s ok. It will be ok. Someday. Hopefully, sooner. 
Rest I dont know. 
H. Do you feel good now that you have poured your emotions out? 
No! Maybe I will be once I wake up tomorrow. May be I need to take a break tomorrow? 
I. Anything else?
Nah. 
This looks like one of those freak times. 
That’s about it for the time being. 
***
So, that was self-diagnosis. 
Not sure if it was any use. 
I mean I did get a post going out on the day – that in itself is the reward 🙂 
Chalo, over and out. 
Oh, and please do note that this is NOT a plea for help. 
NO, I am not down and out. 
And YES, I will be back. 
I think I am just missing Diet Coke ;P 
Chalo, till next time. 

Previous posts that I wrote during the lockdown are – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 19, 30, 32, 34, 35, 37, 39, 45. 

The Happiness Equation

I wake up really early. To a point that I am often the first one on the roads, the first customer at the local Starbucks, the first person in the office, the first person to use the loo (I drink a lot of water) and so on and so forth. And thus I often get to see people and things that others miss. Like there is hardly any security at any office complex at 7 AM. The loos inside these office complexes, malls, and other places stink like fish markets because there is no one to clean those overnight. The staff at Starbucks is more concerned about getting the display right than serving the customers.

Today was no different. I came in at 7 AM. Said hi to the security guard that did do a customary check on my bag. The Barista made my coffee without me even placing the order. I had some 120023 glasses of water. And when at around 9 my bladder was about to burst, I ran to the loo. And there was this young boy, probably from the north-east cleaning the toilet. And may I say he was doing a kick-ass job at it. I mean I have seen my share of blue-collar work and my never-ending complaint is that most blue-collared workers do not take pride in what they do. They do because they do not have any other opportunities per se.

This guy was doing what Will Smith said about laying bricks. Each brick to the best of his ability. This guy was cleaning each inch of the place to the best of his ability. And I love people who do their jobs well. I made a mental note to look for him and hire him when I am able to. And I moved on.

Fast forward a couple of hours. I rushed to the loo yet again (yes I drink a lot of water) and I saw the young boy howling. He was surrounded by a couple of other workers from the mall. These older workers were consoling him. I tried to overhear but I could not understand the reason for commotion there. By the time I decided I want to intervene, a small crowd had gathered there, mostly made of staff at the mall. And I decided to not. I suck at handling mobs, crowds, and other such gatherings.

I peed as fast as I could, did not want my bladder to burst. And in the meanwhile, the guy had gotten quieter. Thank God for that. I should’ve asked him but I did not have the heart to go and even ask why was he crying.

I wish I had the balls to. I wish I had the resources to make him happy again. I mean I know that life’s purpose is to not chase happiness (well, I can debate) but I also know that the ones like me that are divinely discontent are ok with this discontentment in our bones. But the aam aadmi may not be. Most people I know seek peace, happiness, and other such things. And I think if they are not as fucked in the head as I am, they are well within their rights to seek happiness. And as someone who believes that the purpose of my life is to enable others to do better, I must be able to intervene and give them what they seek. Even if its happiness! 

That’s the sad part of being human. There are 7.5 billion others around you. And each is in a different place on the continuum of sadness and happiness. Some are bang in the middle – at equanimity – but they are few and far between. I really wish I knew where is my default state on this continuum. I think I am around equanimity but I lean to the happiness side. I know of people that are equanimous but lean to sadness. And that is ok!

Brings me to an interesting juncture. And the entire point of this post.

I have realized that I tend to avoid even knowing about what makes other people sad. I can give numerous examples to substantiate this. When I am on the road and I pass by an accident, I do not look at the site. I simply turn my head. I don’t want to look at the gore and tears and all that. I don’t see films that showcase pathos. Like this recent film that came out where Deepika Padukone is trying to highlight the plight of the acid attack victims, despite angry skirmishes with a very dear friend, I could not bring myself to watch it. A friend suffered from a brain surgery a few years ago and she wanted me to see the pics of the operation, I could not. When someone suffers or is at a hospital, I don’t know what to do about it. I want to be around, comfort them but I don’t know how to do it without getting affected myself. A few days ago when a friend had a meltdown, I went in a shell for a few days. I am weak like that. I am not a good friend at such junctures. I HATE those WhatsApp forwards and videos that show accidents and gore. And I have friends that revel in sharing those. I know they get pleasure and these are intriguing. But these things make me suck in the gut.

I am often told by colleagues that my negotiation skills suck and I often leave a lot of money on the table for others. I am told that I go out of my way to make everyone happy and in the process get fucked myself. And I am told that even when I see that people are taking me for a ride, I play along, get hurt and make large, terrible losses. I once lost all my savings and 2-3 years of life because I was way too empathetic to say no to a bad idea. I often get into trouble when I poke my nose into the affairs of strangers on the Internet and try to offer them advice and inputs. I have been called a creep and psychopath and all that. At traffic signals when those beggars come and flaunt their disfigured bodies, I am unable to look at those. There is this restaurant here in Mumbai where the waiting staff is deaf and dumb. They may have the best food but I can not bring myself to ever go there. They may claim to give employment to people that need it, but I really think they are paddling pathos to profit from it. Or may be not. The point is, I can not bring myself to consume that.

Thing is, I can’t help but try and help when I know that things could be better. I feel compelled. You know, how people cant control?

No, I am not a pushover. No, I don’t seek acceptance. No, I don’t want approval. Rather, I want to be rich and connected and all that and I don’t know if it’s possible without being able to tramp on others. But I do know that I cant see people that are sad. And if while negotiating someone plays the sadness card, I let go.

Coming back to the young boy at the mall. I don’t know what made him that sad. But I do know that his tears have given me the inspiration to do more. To be able to reach a point where I can give away material things if those tears were induced by the want of something like that.

Over and out.

PS: If it’s an emotional turmoil, I don’t know how to help. May be become a guru or something.

PPS: I know it is not my problem and I don’t need to help everyone. I know people don’t even want help. And definitely not from me. And I know that people find a way. And I know time heals. And etc etc.

PPPS: As a kid, some 20-25 years, I saw a video of an American journalist’s throat being slit. Slowly. deliberately. With patience. Without any remorse. Even though I saw it at a friend’s place, on a grainy computer screen, the scene often plays in my head. And every time it does, I get fucked. As I write this, to be honest, I have this funny feeling in a pit at the back of my mind and I may just throw up. Later! Typos and formatting can wait.

#Untitled – 17 Feb 2019

There is this ajeeb is sadness and I have no clue why. I wish I had a car that I could take to the hills. Or to the beach. Meet some strangers, get pally with them, talk of new things and not worry about the baggage that I am hiding in the boot of the car. I don’t know what’s the source of this sadness. Is it that I don’t have anyone to hang out with. Or is it my lack of tangible achievements that makes me sad? Or maybe the fact that I’ve been unwell for last so many days. Or maybe its trip of sad songs that I am on. Really. Sad songs make you sad. Happy songs make you happy. I mean look at Punjabis. All most of their music is happy and they ARE the happiest bunch around.

Or maybe because I haven’t written in the last few days. Or maybe because I faced this soul-crushing rejection a couple of days ago. Of course, rejection is not new to me – I have been rejected multiple times in the past for multiple things by multiple people and in multiple situations that were both controllable and uncontrollable. And yet when I play, I want to win. I don’t like to lose.

I am not sure which one it is. But one of these is at fault. Or maybe something is at fault that I can’t seem to put my finger to. And I don’t like it. No, not the sadness. Sadness is ok. That’s part and parcel of life. But the fact that I can’t put my finger to it 🙁

I am so sad that I don’t even know how to explain it to you.
If it were a colour, it would be what? Pale yellow?
If it were a song, it would be Tanhayee. Or maybe Kyon Main Jaagoon. Or that last scene and the sad riff from Kabhi Haa Kabhi Naa? You know that right?
If it were a cartoon character, it would be snoopy.
And if it were a piece of text, a poem, it would be this!

P.S.: You know the funny thing? On my daily letter (subscribe now), I wrote about how happiness is a great lifehack! Lol! Irony just turned in its grave.

P.P.S.: Wrote this yesterday but couldn’t get around to publishing it. I thought it was too depressing. Reviewed today and no, it’s not that sad or depressing. 

One year and a crore

These days I talk a lot about life. Probably because I am at that juncture where I need to figure out the next step. And its going to be a very important step because the next few years are going to be very important.

I have realized that I am not passionate about any one idea and thus I dont think I can start something. I have also realized that I love my freedom so much that I dont want to work for someone else. And I know that I need money. And I am at a stage when I have to have to settle down if I want to die a happy man. So many decisions and so many constraints!

All of it, all these things that I have talked about above look doable and yet are difficult. They look within grasp and yet they are out of reach. And last night I realized that I need a tailwind gain of a crore and a year. That’s all it would take to get my life back on track (read [1] below). One crore and one year.

And that’s what I really really need right now.

I can’t think of a way to make that much money in a year unless I rob a bank or start cooking meth or sell a kidney or commit a fraud or something. There is no legit way to make money. At least I dont think there is. If there is, please point me to it. Really.

Apart from this, I think all is well. I have discovered something that I think I like doing. And I can totally see myself doing it for the rest of my life (writing). Just that I dont know if I am good enough to make a commercial success out of it. I know the woman that I want to marry and settle down with. Just that she cant tolerate even standing next to me. I know the kinda life I want to lead. Just that its kinda long shot as of now. And so on and so forth.

Oh, and my current mood is sad. And I need sad music. The kinds where the hero walks alone through a happy crowd on a well-lit road at night and a saxophone is playing somewhere in the background (read [2] below).

That’s it!

Notes

[1] When I say back on track, I mean that I would be back on par with my cohorts, my classmates, an average guy my age etc.

[2] This kinda music.