Category: sgMS

Thank You, Charles

I dont know who introduced me to Charles. Must’ve been Suds – he only talks about such radicals. Whoever it was, heartfelt thanks to that person. Even though I dont understand much of Charles’ poetry, I think I can comprehend some of his prose. Actually, leave alone his work, I cant get the spellings of his name right. I have to look up everytime. Buk-wos-ki? Buk-os-ki? Buk-ow-ski?

The point anyhow is that some of things that he said are phenomenal! Like one of his pieces go, “I wasnt much of a petty thief. I wanted the whole world or nothing.”

“I wasn’t much of a petty thief, I wanted the whole world… or nothing.”

The thing is, this is exactly how I think I operate. Either I want everything, or nothing. In fact, I remember when I was a kid, I was seeing one of Ashutosh Rana‘s interviews. He said something like, “dil to ada hai zid pe bachche ki tarah, ya to chahiye mujhe sab kuch, ya kuch bhi nahi.” I dont even know how old I was at that point in time. But I remember these lines pretty distinctly. May be despite the grey hair bald head I am like a kid, that wants either everything that I can my hands on or I let go of everything.

I dont know if this is healthy in the long run but I know that thats how I am. That is what drives me. I want it all. Or I want nothing. And I am willing to put in effort and hardwork and brains and all that for it. I dont sort of shun away from work but I dont understand why I dont get it all. May be I need to put in more effort?

Exhibit A: sgMS! I have no clue if I have ever wanted anything as bad. No, I am not objectifying her. Yes, I am being selfish. Yes, I love her. Yes, I want to be everything that she wants her man to be and yes I am not even a one percent of her needs or wants. Yet, I want to be around her. Why would I want to be? Because like Rabbi said,

tere bin / besides you
sanu sohnia / my love
koi hor nahio labhna / i shan’t find another
jo dave / who’ll give
ruh nu sakun / peace to my soul
chukke jo nakhra mera / and indulge me” (via)

No one else gives peace to my soul. Of course I dont do shit to her and no wonder I am not with her.

In fact she alleges that my love is the stifling kinds where I dont let her breathe. I put her under the weight of my expectations and she is not at peace. Pretty messed up. No? These one-sided love affairs are pretty sad. It sucks to sort of shuffle between sleep and reality and seeing her nudging her cheeks to me, inviting me to kiss
her. Its great till you can see her, smell her and all that and moment you go to touch her, you wake up to a rude shock.

I need a break. I will take a break. I am going to go away for a bit (Delhi for a week between 12 and 23 – if you are around, lets meet). Everything in Mumbai reminds me of her and I really need a break. May be I need to move away from India altogether? Damn the escapist in me.

Moving on. To exhibit B. Steve. If you know me even a little bit, I am probably the biggest fanboy that Steve has. And I want to be like him. I dont want to be Saurabh Garg. I dont want to be the unique dude that everyone else wants to be. I want to be Steve Jobs and no one else. He is that big an inspiration. I do everything that it takes to reach his levels. I push myself hard. I push people around me harder. I try and deliver the best. I connect with him philosophically – I want the process and proceeds both to be amazing. I can continue talking about him forever but allow me to digress a bit here.

After Steve, I needed a new “muse”, a new inspiration, a new Iron Man and this is where I turned to Elon. Unlike Steve who’s work was more about pushing the boundaries and making lives easier, Elon is about pushing the boundaries and making lives better (easier vs better). And while I read about what all he does, I often get drifted towards the concept of time and life and space and death and all that. I realise that we are so small, so tiny in large scheme of things. Whatever you may do, will come to an end and you cant do anything about it.

The entire thought makes me sick in the gut. At times I am scared. And I cant even sleep in night. At 33, this is a pretty stupid thing to admit.

More than fearing death, I think I am afraid of the concept of unknown. Everything that makes me – my thoughts, my memories, my longing for sgMS, my dreams, my aspirations, my personality, my friends et al, what would happen to those once I am dead? And if I am going to be dead in the long run, what is the damn point of this life then? Why not end it right now and avoid unnecessary heartburns and other such troubles that I give to people close to me? Case in point sgMS. The days I get to meet her, the days she talks properly to me, the days when I get god vibes from her, those days I am happy like hell. May be I need another session of Vipassana where they try and teach you that there is no you. 

Death in fact has been a recurring theme in my thoughts and my dreams the last few days. The place I live at, it has a board that announces death of every person that resides in the building; and every other day I see yet another name marked on it and a place where that person would be put to rest. Creepy in so many ways. Then over the weekend, I read Reacher 20 and it was about people wanting to commit suicides. Yesterday, a colleague asked me to make my will. Last night, I was craving for sgMS while she was getting drunk and I did not know what to do find sleep. I turned to Quora and the first thread that it showed me was about how a happy, healthy young guy committed suicide without giving any sort of warning to his family and the family hasnt had a closure about the reason why he killed himself. And then in the morning today, I woke up to my maid howling about someone who’s killed himself back home. Pretty fucked up man.

I dont know what to make out from all these recent things. From real life to dreams to fiction, I see it everywhere. If by any chance I were to die tomorrow and this is my last blogpost and this holds and legal merit, here is my latest will…

  • I dont have any debts. In fact I am to take some money from some people.
  • All my movable, immovable assets must be given to my parents and my sis equally. My bike goes to Vivek. Everything else to be given to people who may need those. 
  • All my digital data (computers, hard disks, blogs, social media accounts et al) to be wiped. I dont know how would you do it. But I trust Vivek to get it done.
  • My dead body must be reused (parts given to those in need and whatever is left to be given to medical science for research).
  • Proceeds from my book, if any, to go to M. Gawri. 
  • sgMS, I love you. Loved you till I died.  

Fuck, its so funny. I could sum up everything in my life in 6 bullet points. 6 bullet points. And these 6 points have made me realize that things we take so seriously are so so insignificant.

Anyhow, I am sick in the gut and I dont know what else to write. Lemme move on.

Wait. I am not suicidal (just in case you happen to read this and care enough to call and reason and all that). Just that there is just too long a string of coincidences. This too shall pass.

So, if I were the spiritual kinds, I would say that I am inviting death
– afterall the thoughts manifest into actions and all that. In fact
universe has been throwing death at me. But deep down inside I dont want it anywhere close to where I am. There are indeed so many miles to go before I sleep. And some of those miles with sgMS if not all. Here is a song for her…

I just want to see you, when you’re all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can’t escape
I love you ’till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You don’t want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Oh why don’t you just take me
Where I’ve never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you ’till the end
I love you ’till the end

I just want to be there
When we’re caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh, not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on it’s cloak
I’m lost for words, don’t tell me
‘Cause all I can say
I love you ’till the end

All I can say
I love you ’till the end (via)

That’s it for the time being.

Onwards to the rest of the day (Dharma) and a lunch with a friend. And then, may be, some work (Artha). And then, may be poker (Kama). As, they say in Purushartha, life is about Dharma, Artha, Kama and Moksha.

P.S.: The way I’ve moved on from Steve (did I move on?), may be someday, I will move on. Inshallah some day I will come out of it. Some day I will find someone that accepts the way I am.


P.P.S.: Talk of digression. From Bukowski to Steve to Elon to sgMS to Life to Death to I dont know what all. Verbal Diarrhea. But the fact of the matter is, I feel good once I have poured out shit in my head on a blog. I just wish there was someone who I could talk to – about things that I write here. And about things that I cant write here. 

P.P.P.S.: #note2Self: Read more about Purushartha. 

Untitled – 2016/01

While I was walking back from a station today, I realised something really cool. That now that I am doing ok work-wise and money-wise and I may claim to be a little more stable now, rather than craving for more work, more money, more this or more that, I’ve been missing #sgMS a lot lately.

Ordinarily when you have work and you are busy, you tend to not have time for things like love. Compared to last year. I did not have too many things on my plate and yet I was ok without her.

Also, I’ve always been told that once you make your first lakh, you want to make 10 lakhs. And then you want to make 1-crore and then 10 crores and so on and so forth. I have been lucky to have made my first lakh (in savings), and yet I dont have the carrot of 10 hanging in front of me. Of course my ambition is to reach 1 crore in this year and I am committed to it, the first lakh did not make me stare at the 10-lakh number.

Coming back, so why do I crave for her?

May be because, because of all the work, I dont have time to engage in any useless fluff that takes up a lot of time (things like checking FB updates like a maniac, engaging the trolls, stalking the intelligent ones, pimping my book etc.). And thus I am focused on stuff that matter. Work. Her.

May be because, because of all the work, I am spending a lot of time in transit – so there are more rickshaws rides, trains (yes Mumbai local), taxis (not Ubers) and all that. And since I cant work in transit, or read, or do anything productive, I am drifted to her.

May be because I am older and wiser and I know what I want and what I dont? Like Steve says, the dots connect when you look back?

May be deep down, I somehow know that I can provide for her and I thus want to be with her? After all the biggest crib I have had with life all these years is that I was poor and she was not so poor. Not that I am now an equal, just that I am little more comfortable.

May be I am old and know that I have to settle down? (PS this is a change in stand. From a time when I was not willing to listen to even an argument about wedding, now I want her around. For good.

Anyhow, the point of the post is not her. Really. The point is, I realized today that while I am ambitious, I am not greedy. When I become big, I will not become an asshole. When I’ve made my first crore, I will chase more but I will not be motivated by the next milestone of 10 crores. I will chase more work and grow more and I will give back more (I have two interesting things lined up for this – will talk about them soon).

So, yeah. Thats about it. Of course this is a first-world problem and I am very lucky to have it. Hope the problem continues!

P.S.: Too much information?

Dear sgMS,

Dear sgMS,

I am back! Did you miss me? Of course not May be (this year, I am going to be ambitious, as a friend told another). Did I miss you? Hell yeah! No moment goes by when I dont think of you, about you, about the times we were together. And I wish those days could be back.

You know, as I write this when I wrote this, I am was at the international airport, taking a flight to Delhi. And because my domestic flight is from the international airport, I am surrounded by all these signs that point to all these fancy destinations and all these people going to all these fancy destinations. It suddenly dawned on me that I want to travel the world with you. I want to hold your hand while I am lost in those cramped alleys in Europe, when I am marveling at the national parks in the US, when I am lost on some highway somewhere in Australia, when I am up in the air heading to one of these fancy destinations, when I am scared to jump off the plane for my maiden skydive and so one and so forth. I want to click stupid selfies on top of the Eiffel tower. I want to sit on the benches on the river fronts. I want to laze at the airports. I want to listen to the music lying the hotel rooms. I want to be close to you in a crowded local train. I want to sneak in to your bed at some hostel while the floor creaks and wakes up everyone around. And I dont know how many more such things.

You know I want it all. And more. For the rest of my life.

Remember I wrote you a letter on our last trip? I know it was kind of long – it spilled over into 4 pages – and I had a hard time cutting it short. With you around, there is just so much to say. So much to do. So many memories to make. 

You know,  I want to grow old with you. I want to stuff a house with things that we may or may not need. A friend says most women are hoarders and like most women, you are too. I want to see you hoard all those things that I otherwise do not approve of. I want to live with you in a cosy house (I know you dont like lavish places) and I want us to frequent a cafe close to our place and do our things – you could doodle and I could play the guitar. I want us to argue over those simple silly things like giving my PIN to the waiter for punching my bill. I want you to yell at me for all my careless mistakes like leaving my card back at the restaurant. I want to fuck up the pronunciation of Parpal and February. I want you to correct me while I give you reasons for my wrong pronunciations. I want to do all those things that people do over their lifetimes.

Thing is, this is new to me. I have never imagined that I would be old. I know that I have missed the bus and I wont be richer or cooler or famous ever. I will at best be a typical mango man and I may get to drive a nice car and own a 2-and-a-half BHK in some far-off suburb in Mumbai but I will never be what I have wanted to be. But if somehow that makes you happy and content and peaceful, I think I am ok with it. I realize that I will not be forever young and I will be forgotten the next second I die. The thing thus is, while I am here, I want to be with you and make the most of my time here. That’s all there is to life I think (selfish I know).

But this is about you. Not about me. So coming back, I want to be with you and grow old with you. I want to be around when you get those spects. I want to hide your spects and hold up two fingers and lie that I am holding up three. I want to pull your cheeks and scream googly woogly mush. I want you to cook something and make a face at you while you croon in horror and then laugh at you. Oh man, there is so much that I want to do with you..

You know what? I cant write no more. I miss you so bad it hurts!

I do!

Hope you come back.
SG

P.S.: I did not cheat on you. I promise I did not. Tere sar ki kasam.

Serendipity 101

yesterday Few days ago #sgMS asked me about some hotel that she had recommended to me some time back – she had apparently forgotten its name.

So, normally any words that come out of her, I latch on like they’re precious stones. I often tend to remember what she says and I am kinda quick on my feet as well. For things that I know are too tough to remember, I make long notes with Evernote (under the #sgMS tag, I have notes about what she likes, what she hates, the cities that she wants to
travel to, the kind of lifestyle she wants to live and so on and so
forth.)

Coming back, that day when she asked me, for some reason I could not recall the name of the hotel. And there is no way I was going to disappoint her. So I dropped everything I was doing,
to try and find the name of the hotel that she had once mentioned in the passing during an
innocent conversation. 

I went through EVERY email we’d EVER exchanged, browsed through
our recent conversations on iMessage and WhatsApp and read every note I
have made about her. It was a four-hour long exercise, excruciating to
start with but full of nostalgia as I saw, browsed, read.

I did everything I could but I could not find the name of the hotel.

However I did discover that I still love her. And I still pine for her. And I still want to be with her.

Of course she has a different take. She believes we are
happier away from each other. Of course she is never wrong and I am
never right. I trust her judgement and I shall remain away. In misery
celebration. I will not make any attempts to call her, meet her. I
hereby promise I will not initiate contact with her unless its
absolutely necessary. I will have my week moments and I will try and not
break this verbal written contract.

Wish me luck!

P.S.: Of course “absolute necessary” is a loose term and I may misuse it. But I shall consider this as a form of tapasya. If I keep at it for long enough, may be some day I’d get what I want – her!

The Dilemma of the Dating Apps

Context: If you know of my love interests, you will know that I refuse to move on. From where? well… 

So, yesterday a gentleman told me that I was an early adopter of shiny new things. I remember talking about it at a point in past. Right now, too lazy to actually sift through (almost 1500 posts on) this blog to locate that one. Just assume that I have spoken about it. Ok?

The point is one of the things that the world (and Universe with all its signs) has been telling me for a while, is to move on. And for people like me who are awkward in social settings and have limited places of work (where, according to a survey most relationships happen), the options to find options to move on are pretty few.

And what would a guy who is an early adopter do in such a case? Of course turn to technology for help. Technology like discreet matchmaking websites, mobile phone applications that promise you contact with women in proximity and flings with friends of your friends.

I went (a few months back), I tried (till last night) and I was disappointed.

When I talked to the pros of these dating games, I was told I’ve got the entire thing wrong. So this post may become what not to do while trying for luck on online medium.

A. For starters I refuse to put my photograph up. Because I dont like the concept of my photograph on the Internet. Here’s a challenge. Find my pic. You wont be able to. I promise you. Anyhow, so I refuse to put my pic and that is a big big deterrent for women. Apparently.

B. Then I refuse to follow up (read make desperate attempts at seeking company) and sending messages incessantly even though the lady on the other side is not replying.

C. Finally the few matches I did get, a tiny percentage did convert into meetings. And I guess I am not a conversationalist per se and thus I think I disappointed most of the ones who braved a meeting with me. And a handful that did not find me disappointing, disappointed me. Except one. Where none of us disappointed each other but it turned out both of us had issues from previous disappointments.

So, today, as I am on the verge of closing my accounts on these dating profiles, the “Steve Jobs” of our era (the one you cant ignore), made these two posts that he made. If he can get 170+ messages, I being an ardent follower and aspiring Steve Jobs can definitely get 1.

No?

The question thus is, are you the one?

P.S.: Second post in two days. Neither one has a point. Or may be they do. Who cares. The point is, I am back to writing. And I love it

Hello monsoon!

The monsoon is almost here. It even drizzled for a bit last night. And from my vantage point of 9th floor staring into an open ground, the drops of water falling down from nothing but the dark sky, disappearing into nothing but the damp shrubs, leaving behind a trail of glowing streaks because of the yellow street lamps in the background, was pure magic. It was surreal. Like a scene out of a some famous director’s movie.

It was a sight to behold and I could sit on my bed and stare at it forever, if only the rain dint stop within like 5 minutes. And if it dint bring back the memories of sgMS sitting next to me holding onto my hand, scribbling something on a yellow post-it note. Something that would be innocent, innocuous, so simple so insightful that it would make me smile. At her, at the way she writes, at the way she doodles, at the way she is at peace next to me. At the way she makes me feel.

Thing is, rains have always been very special to me. There is something magical about the grey skies, the purest green, the damp earth, the cool wind and the occasional splash of water on my face. So much so that I am willing to ignore the interruptions caused by rains in India. More on it some other day. In the meanwhile, here’s something that I was reminded of…

from The Notebook

Will you?

I spot a recurring pattern in life. As readers of this blog, you must have noticed it as well. No?

That I play this game of hide and seek on the blog.

And if it’s any consolation, I do it in real life as well.

There are phases when I have this spurt of activity where I get hyper active. I write almost everyday, think of ideas, get some exercise, do a lot of reading, talking, connecting and dreaming. I am in the zone. For days at stretch. I am in this Zen-like mode where nothing seems impossible and I want it all. And I work towards it. I am in the YOLO and FOMO mode and I say yes to everything. I overwork myself. To a point when I start cribbing about how overworked I am and how I don’t have time to sleep. I do so till the time I start enjoying the pain. I am on this trip where pain becomes pleasure and I want more and more of it.

Till something happens and I snap out of it.

The “something” could be as large as the AC not working or as small as wrong signs from Universe. AC is large because I am the kinds that want everything in perfect order to keep me happy. So things like AC, relatives, visitors at home, Internet etc. bug me so much that I want to kill someone. Of course Universe-conspiring-to-give-me-gifts is important as well but I sincerely believe that I amongst the luckiest people. So I tide over that.

So till I snap out of the euphoria, I am getting things done. I am the king of the universe. But when I am out, I have this desperate urge need to crawl in a hole and wait for the winters to end. I sort of want to disappear. I cease all contact with the outside world (except my inner circle) and I don’t want to be touched. I don’t write, I don’t tweet, I don’t post updates on Facebook. I merely become a vegetable and try to exist. Of course if there’s work, I have to live per shenanigans of clients. But I try to not accept work in such phases.

I know it sucks but this is probably that aspect of life that I cant change.

I know it sucks but that’s how I am.

Of course I can blame it on my bipolarity. Or may be on the fact that I really really miss having sgMS around me. Or may be at the lack of direction that my life is flowing in. I can externalize the reasons but there’s no one to blame but me and I will have to live with it.

The thing is, despite all that, as a friend, a reader, a patron, I will have to ask you, request you, implore you to allow me to live with it. Give me my space when I need. And hope that I come back stronger and higher.

Will you?

Dear sgMS

Dear sgMS,

I dint mean to write to you this soon. I am supposed to show little restraint, little caution, little more control over what I do and how much I miss you. You know I am supposed to move on and all that. And anyway, I just wrote a letter to you last week!

The thing is, I am at a place that has something that reminds me of you. Actually not just one thing. But a lot of things. Its like the universe is conspiring against me or something. To get me close to you.  Lemme talk about those things.

Starting with the fragrance that the hotel uses. This hotel has Lotus Flower as their signature smell. Now I dont know much about fragrances and perfumes and all that but I know that the perfume is uncannily similar to the one that you use all the time. So much that everytime I use one of those free things that come in the room, I go rushing back in your arms. Living with you. Breathing in that smell off you. Holding your hand, traveling with you to a new place. Remember that ten-page long letter that I wrote you before we went on that trip?

Then there is this entire thing about me being at a very chilled out place and not having you for company. Every time I do some mischief, pull a prank on people I am with, I am left searching for you and hoping that you would be around to see me smirk like a mad man. I would crave for that dismissive nod of yours that says so much without saying anything at all. Something that only you can do. Something that I think is one of your superpowers. Something that I miss sorely. 

Then ofcourse there are millions of tiny nicknacks that I think you would’ve loved to buy. Of course, to this date I cant guess what your taste is like but I have a vague idea of things that would pass your scrutiny. You remember how towards the end of that trip, I actually got good at guessing the trinket that you liked? I wanted to point at things that I think you would like. But I couldnt. You werent around you know.

And last, the fact that the room has pristine clean bedding, just the kind that you prefer. It is so  perfect that you probably wouldnt have stepped out of the hotel! Neither do I want to for that matter. And when I miss you, and when I dig my face into those soft pillows, every time I curl up in the bed craving for your company, that whiff of that Lotus Flower takes me back. To you. It reminds me of you. Of your company. Of your greatness.

God, I miss you. I really do.

Please come back.

Love always,
SG

Dear sgMS

From the movie Notting Hill. One of the greatest love stories ever told!

Dear sgMS,

Trust you are well.

So, I dont know where to start this rant. I have nothing new to report. Its the same old life, same old rut, same old circle or life. And the same old longing for you. It’s been so long that I’ve spoken to you that it feels like a life time.

It is You often said that us humans are funny people and time is the greatest healer. And with time we forget, forgive everything. We move on. Time heals everything. For some funny reason, I haven’t been able to. I miss you. I miss you like I could miss anything else. Damn I am short of words. I dont know what to say to make you come running in my arms. But I miss you like mad.

Second thing you said was that moment I find someone else, I will forget you. I tried to find that someone else. And I failed at it. Over the last few days, I have met
few women and some of them have been absolute pleasure to hang out with.
But every time I crossed that blurry line between being strangers and being acquaintances, I felt as if I were cheating on you. I couldnt carry on the conversation. I would exit. Feeling guilty about even making an attempt to meet others.

And then I would be miserable for the next few days. Till I gather myself and my thoughts and chase someone else. And after I meet someone, I would be guilty all over again. And the vicious cycle would continue. I dont see a way out. I know I cant be with you and I know I cant stay away from. I sincerely dont know what to do.

You know, I thought I’d never say this. But I need you. I am desperate for your company. I long for you. I can do anything to be around you. I dont want you to kiss me, I dont want you to hug me. I dont even want to shake hands or whatever. Just be around you. Allow me to be around. Please. I beg of you. I promise I would not make it awkward. I would not make it uncomfortable. Please…

I really need you to hold me and tell me that all will be ok. Remember how we sat next to that broken wall along a river? And then on that bench next to that other river? I miss those times. I miss sitting next to you.

I miss you.

Please come back.

Love always,
SG

Dear sgMS

Dear sgMS,

Hope you are doing great. Wherever you are.

Hope you are happy and healthy. Hope you are in love and you’re getting your fix of attention and affection. Hope you’re doing great work that makes you happy and your friends proud. Hope all the emo baggage that SG piles up on you is no longer yours to carry.

You konw, to be honest, I dint mean to write in to you. I remember my promise of staying away. And I have stayed away for a large part. Even when I have needed you, even when I could do with your company, even when I knew that no one else but you can give me comfort. I’ve stayed away.

You know, I dont really have a reason to write to you. Just that I miss you
terribly. I miss you so so much that I dont know what to do. It’s
stifling. It’s suffocating. I can’t breathe. I mean I can but it seems like a task. And there
is no reason to make the effort. Who do I do all the things for? You are my reason babes. I want to make your proud. I want to make you happy. Without you, what would I do with things when I dont have you to shower those on?

I tried to not write this letter. I drugged myself and tried to sleep but I could not. I tried to drown myself in work but I could not deliver. I tried to divert attention on television, poker, readign but I just couldn’t concentrate. I am human sgMS and this time it got better of me. I had to speak to you.

I sent you frantic messages, emails, calls and tried everything to reach you. And I realized that you have blocked me out. I know you dont have any hard feelings per se and you’re doing this so that I drift away with time and I get used to living without you.

Of course your methods are flawed and this separation from you is making me crave for your company all the more. So much so that I am staring at the pics from good old times when we were together.

I really really want you around. I know repeating a word does not make it stronger or better. But there is no other way I know to express myself. I really want you around me. And I want to be around you. I just can’t do without you. I know I am being selfish. And I know you hate selfish people. But I dont know what else to say. I dont want to lie to you. I want you and I want you bad.

Judge me if you will.

But, but… please please come back! I promise I try really hard to not disappoint you.

Please?

Love always,
SG