Social Psychology

What to order at Starbucks?

The thing is that I love sitting at Starbucks and working on my book.

Even though I am alone when I am there, in my head, I am on a date with Nidhi Kapoor. Or may be with Renu on some days. There are days when I there with Tarana. Like today, I was with Renu and I had a wonderful time.

Coming back, irrespective, there is someone or the other to talk to when I am at Starbucks. I mean someone from my book. A character or two that I have cooked up. And when I am with someone, I love having conversations with them. In fact, conversations with these imaginary characters have helped me write.

Rather than thinking about the next line, I ask Nidhi about it. Or Tarana. Like today I asked Renu about her past and what made her the way she is. She had a lot to say. So much that I had to type fast. Really fast. So these answers from imaginary friends help me write. A friend told me that I am not an inherently creative individual. She may be right but then I think that this superpower that I have to converse with these imaginary characters help me craft what I am working on.

To be honest, the entire Nidhi Kapoor story is a result of these conversations.

The book is coming to an end. About three more days before I finish the first draft. I am hating that the book is coming to an end. I dont know how to keep it alive. Soon, I’d be the saddest and loneliest man that I know of. Why? Because all this while I had company of these three amazing women and in some days, I would be alone.

Guess such is life. But then, there is something that I am looking forward to. The next plot. I am hoping to write this one with a friend. We are still discussing it but if it goes as per plans, it would require me to sit at Starbucks even longer. But, but the challenge is, I do not like coffee. Or the iced-tea. Or anything that has any milk in it. Except ice-cream. I also don’t want to eat any snacky things that they offer at Starbucks; after all I am on a ~~weight~~ inch loss spree and I want to avoid anything that is fattening.

And I don’t want to sit at Starbucks and not buy anything. You see, reciprocity is a brilliant mental model and of all the people I know, I am the most severe case. If I am going to spend three hours everyday at Starbucks, I ought to buy something from them. No?

What do I do? What do I order? Someone help!

Originally posted here.

On Quarter-life Crisis

Gaurav (@gsik) asked me write something on the Quarter-Life Crisis. Wikipedia defines QLC as

period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the ages of 21 – 30

This definition is hardly sufficient to really explain what it really is. If I can take liberties to explain, in my own words, QLC is that phase of life when you have grown out of your college, you find everyone around you doing great with their lives and you are all confused and dont have a clue what to do with your life.

So I have to answer following questions

Why do I think I suffer from Quarter Life Crisis?
How do I deal with it?
And do I see it as positive or negative energy?

So why do I think I am suffering from QLC?
Few hard facts first. I think I have one of the best jobs in the world with a lot of freedom to do things the way I want to do. My boss is as supportive as anyone can be. My employer is a growing company that will be a powerhouse to reckon with in times to come. I am paid enough money to stay comfortably even in a city like Mumbai. Everything looks hunky-dory. On paper.

While advertising is a great place to be amidst the thick of actions, contributing to few of the biggest brands, trying to create new media and brand businesses, there are times when I feel that I am destined to do things larger and grander than just advertising or brain-storming. I have no clue what this grand dream is. I have been running after for all 25 years of my life and I still dont have a clue where to go with it. There are times when I feel as if I am stuck. And this is the exact reason why I think I am suffering from QLC.

I know that I have had a great education and I am ready to take on the world. But the entire exercise of taking on the world is not even starting. Everything I do, however grand it may be from my perspective looks insignificant compared to the entire world.

And then there are my friends. Everyone seems to be making more money than me. Everyone seems to be having an absolute blast in life with global travels, time for themselves, relationships, carer advancements and latest gadgets whereas I am stuck in Mumbai with nothing of this sort happening. And not even remote chances of it in the sight.

I know I am a future rich famous and important guy but I dont know how and when would I reach there. I have opinions on things around me. Rather strong ones at that. I think everyone around me is mediocre and needs improvement. I dont want to spend time with these people and I would rather sit online trying to discover a new new thing rather than meeting people in social settings. I still laugh and cry with them but mentally I am very detached from them.

I am told that all these symptoms (and thousands others that I am not writing about) point to one thing. And one thing only. That I do suffer from Quarter-Life Crisis.

And how do I deal with it?
Since there are no medications available that might help someone suffering from QLC, I have to resort to home grown ideas. I am giving away an entire list of remedies that I use.

Get busy. As simple as that. I have been told zillion times that an idle mind is devil’s workshop. Most of my friends are really happy with what they do because they dont really have time to think. They get up, goto work, come back, have dinner and sleep. The entire long day makes them tired and all they can do at the end of the day is sleep.
Write. Writing is tough. And especially when its me. I am not really known for my writing and literary skills and it makes the task all the more frustrating. You try to write so that you might get an avenue to channel your frustration through (because you dont really have any friends and the ones that you have dont have time to hear you whine and the ones who actually listen to you dont really understand the predicament you are in). And once the words dont come out, you are left with a half written text, that you save on your hard drive to never open again and eventually delete after 5 years (assuming that you would not want to read what you wrote five years ago).
Motivate yourself. You take examples from what everyone is doing around you. You start dreaming that you can also live their lives if you tried. You start buying bling shirts and star studded jeans and start frequenting the “happening” places. You initially get laughed at. Once you get used to it, you start thinking that you are just being unlucky the first time (and everyone else boasts about the luck of the first-timers). Then after the vanity of first timing fades out, you realize that people have moved on from clubbing to mundane activities like lounge bars and coffee conversations. Moment you reach there, they move on further. Its always like trying to catch that train whose driver is like a kid trying to take a revenge for all the beating you gave him in school.
Get more secluded. If none of the above work, its best to confine yourself to isolation. For one simple reason. You would not break more walls and retain the damage to yourself. In fact I am planning to do exactly this in next couple of months.

Finally I was asked if I see this as negative or positive energy.
I think energy is more positive than negative (at least for me). Reasons are very simple. Moment I see someone doing better than me, I would want to better him at his own game. I know I am not meant to do all the things in the world but at least I get to know more things. And this is something that moves me like no other thing. I can spend my entire life chasing that new thing and once accomplished, move on to the next one. And next one and the next one.

Secondly I also realize that end of the day I am human. However large things I may do, I will always remain a mere mortal that cant live beyond a certain comfort zone. My creations will always be lesser than all the mountains, oceans, Mother Nature. But again, can I get bigger than her? Can I beat her at her own game? Time shall tell and all of us shall stand witness to the confrontation.

And to end it all, yes I do suffer from QLC and I am still trying to find out a solution for the same. Prashant has a very interesting take on the entire thing. Please see his perspective also.

P.S.: Although I do suffer from QLC, the text above is a piece of fiction written on @gsik‘s request.

Creating Communities – Online and Offline

Ashish says that you “enable communities” and I think you “create” them. And since it’s a serious challenge to my understanding of social behavior, let me defend my position.

By the very definition,

a community is a group of individuals who are brought together by force or they come together because they share a common interest.

Classic examples are community of slaves working on erecting pyramids and users flocking pluggd.in because they are interested in start-ups in India.

Keywords in the definition are group, individuals and together. A group that is useful to the individual and together the group and the individual make it worth sticking to.

When I say that you create communities, it implies that you bring all these people together (by force, by coercion, by advertising, by showing them advantages of being a member, by hook, by rewarding participatory behavior or by showing that everyone but you is a member, or any of million other ways). Once there is a group, you share ideas and vision on what could become of this group if everyone participates. And when they start participating and everyone is in sync with the collective vision, the group become a community.

For a community to thrive, there needs to be a connecting thread – a reason for members to believe in. A selling proposition. An answer to “Why this community” question. This reason can again be provided by force (if you don’t work, you will be killed) or by prestige associated by just being a member (I am member of AsmallWorld.net – are you? I have access to GMail – do you have it? Etc.).

Second part is that the community as a whole should be useful for the members. No one would want to just give and not take anything in return. People don’t join communities. People join groups hoping that the group would be useful to them. Moment a group becomes useful for individuals, or that user, the group transforms from a group to a community.

When you are starting a community, you HAVE to bring together people. You will have to hand pick people who are committed to this binding thread with or without the usefulness of the community. These are the people whose actions would make the community useful for subsequent members. In case of pluggdin, for example, Ashish would have started writing about start-ups in India. He would have posted the link at relevant places, would have sent emails to friends and family who are interested in start-ups and slowly and gradually people starting coming in. He thus created a community. One member at a time.

On the other hand when you talk about enabling a community, you assume people already know why they are there. You assume that they

know what is common between all of them.

know why are they not a directionless herd.

know what is purpose of their group.

can see a larger picture.

know how is group useful.

This all might happen in an ideal world and I refuse to agree that any heterogeneous or even homogeneous group of people can answer all the above-mentioned questions. And if you are just enabling the community without holding their hand, telling them what to do and what actions to take. In my humble opinion, they will be as lost as kids in the topless bar :D.

And with this your-honor, I rest my case.

Regards,
Saurabh Garg
www.saurabhgarg.com/thoughts

P.S.: And I agree that your group/community should be empowered enough to recommend and make changes. They should be empowered to remove things that they don’t like. They should be empowered to freely add on to the community. They should be allowed to explore. They should be given the tools to be themselves and create new things for the community. 😀

Image Credits: Sifah via Flickr.