Category: #untitled

5K on 5th Dec

In the morning today I promised someone what I will write 5000 words today. Its 8:50 PM and I havent written a single word. So I have a few hours to go and 5000 words to crank out. And where else to start from but here. And what else to talk about but shit that’s floating inside my head.

P.S.: I started writing this on the 5th. Today it’s the 6th and since I was in office, it took me multiple passes to give shape to the post. The focus is on getting as many words of inane text out as possible. Lets see how many I get in. Also, I love this idea of sprints. This allows me to not worry about quality and all I am doing is pushing words out on paper. Perfect if you ask me. 

Lemme dump everything that I have on my mind. May be I’ll feel lighter.

1. Year End
The year is ending and I am the kinds to actually take a stock of how the year went. I love making lists and then try to achieve the tasks on those lists. While I live with the lists throughout the year, I get really active around this time. I set lofty targets for the year and then I make plans for achieving those targets. So far, in none of the years that I’ve made lists in, I’ve achieved my targets – may be I dont have what it takes to do things. Or may be I love stretch targets. Irrespective. I love this list and yearly goal setting.

This year is ending soon and if luck would have it, I will get a couple of days off to plan for the life ahead. And even if I dont get time, I am happy to report that I have already started thinking about things. While I have a little clarity about things that I want to focus on, I need to figure out a lot of peripherals. I know that 2018 will be all about health. And not money for a change. I have chased money all my life and I am yet to get rich. So may be I’d focus on health and how that pans out.

Apart from health, the second most important thing will be writing (why? See 5). And then I will worry about work. This will be a marked difference from how I’ve operated in life. Lets see how that goes. 

2. The ever-expanding plate
I am involved in a million projects and anyone who’s like that is bound to miss deadlines. On not just yearly goals but on other short-term goals as well.

For context, on last count, I am working on 48 major projects. These range from plans of taking over the world to public art to opening a college to teach events management to stationary and what not. And while I am a great beginner, I start things, I am very average finisher.

Plus I am now beginning to see the sense in the maxim that you can only do so many things with your life. I need to know that I am not limitless. Which sucks but such is life!

Or maybe, I need to discard this feeling of being inadequate and get back to being what gives me the most amount of happiness – day dreaming and cooking up a million things at the same time. Who says I ought to stop at 48? Why can’t I have 96 projects there?

You dig what am saying? 

3. Fit/Fatness
Yesterday Day before it rained really hard in Mumbai and I got drenched. And as a result, the only pair of denims I had got wet. And I had this really important meeting today yesterday and thus I had to buy a new pair.

I went to the mall and went to each shop that the mall had. And in those scores of stores and hundreds of pairs of pants, denims, nothing seemed to fit!! I am unhealthy as fuck! I have become so fat lately. What do you mean lately? I have been fat since I can remember! 

And then I have this goal of climbing to the very top of the Everest. Can you imagine a fat man on top of Everest? I will stick out as, what Charles said, a cockroach on a wedding cake.
Apart from just being an impediment to my goals, it makes me look ugly. I mean I am not the one to have been blessed with stellar looks, the fat makes it uglier. I know, body shaming. But the point is that if I can, I must. It will probably motivate me enough to do something about my life. In fact as I write this, I am already having a green tea. In regular course, I would’ve had a coffee. Or a coke. But green tea. I hate the taste and it makes me pukish. But I am told that the pukish bit is because of all the toxins in my body. Once they are out, I wont be pukish anymore.

I am digressing. The point is I need to get fit. And fit like Jason. If I get fit like him, I am sure my bald head (with the new found physique) will make me like a darker version of him. That would be something. No?

4. Work
Work is in an interesting phase. There is enough and there is not enough. Enough that I am busy. Not enough that I dont make enough money. Enough money is the kind of money that allows me to get a car for myself, allow me to spend without thinking about bank balance, help me invest in bright people that may need help and finally, take care of my people. 
And I cant seem to fix it. Despite my brains and all that. And despite some super amazing friends that have done everything they could. And despite all the hard work. I mean the only way I know to success is through hard work. Increasingly, its about connections and all that.

I dont know what would it take to do so. In case you wish to offer assistance, you know my email address.

In fact as I talk of work, in the last few days, I actually got an offer to work for someone I really admire. But I could not make myself leave people who’ve backed me up when I needed them. Rationality says that I need to move on and all that. But I am not rational. More on this if I come out ahead. I dont want to sound like a sore loser.

5. Book2 
I heard this text by Allan Watts and I realised that what I really really want to do if money were not an object, is to write. Now I know that my writing is not good enough to help me get by but I know that I really want to write. I do not know how did I get #tnks out of the door. I was lucky I guess. Or my head was not this cluttered with all the shit on the huge plate (see 2). Whatever it was. Its been 3 years that I have been meaning to work on #book2 and despite repeated reminds and kicks on the backside. I havent done shit on it.

I have threatened myself, promised friends, even sgMS that if I did not write the book by the end of the year, I will stop chasing the idea of writing the book. And yet I havent done anything about it. I think I make too many promises and thus the promises lose significance.

Now on, I probably need to reduce these promises and live upto the deadlines. Which is in direct contrast to my personality. I love challenges. And if you want to bring the best in me out, dont tell me about the reward I stand to get but make it sound like a challenge. Throw me one please.

And may be I need a muse, like I said a few days ago.

P.S.: While I was trying to look up the link, I realised that all that I have covered here is like a summary of things that I have posted already. Theek hai. As long as I get some words on paper.

6. To give up or not
This one is tad philosophical. Post my MBA, even though I have held full-time jobs, I havent been able to make it big. Either in terms of impact or money or reputation or doing enough to inspire others. I wont be wrong if I say that have been struggling.

I increasingly feel that life is like a race where I am sort of getting left behind by everyone else around me. And even strangers. Its like am running in the slow motion, on a treadmill. And they are in the fast lane with rocket propulsion jets under their bums. And to a fly on the wall, I look like a stagnant shit while everyone is just whizzing past.

I know this is a stupid feeling to have but I have been having thoughts to reconsider this entire entrepreneurship thing.

I look at people who are like me and have done well, they are either super smart (which I am not sure if I am), super handsome (I am definitely not), super connected (I have zero connections that work – see next point). Or a combination thereof. They are confident, clear and have a large problem to work on. I on the other hand have a run of the mill business that I am trying to approach differently.

Everywhere I look, people are doing things that make me take note and go “oh faaak”. And here I am. Wielding my fury dismay on a keypad. Trying to reach the goal of 5000 words for the day.

Thing is, I have been “struggling” since 2014. And unlike the struggle by other artists where they need one hit to take them to the next level, my struggle doesn’t add up. For example, if you are a film-maker, you spend a month learning the skill and then you spend 10 years honing the craft. And then one fine day, you make a film that makes everyone’s jaws drop. When that happens, all the struggle of the previous 10 years, one fine day and one month seems like a journey. A journey towards creating that masterpiece that gives you the platform to do whatever. Including an option to never work on your craft again and just become an armchair activist. You know what I am saying? An Anurag Kashyap doesnt have to make any movies anymore. After Wasseypur or Dev D or any of his masterpieces, he could choose to become a mere producer and give talks and all that. Its a different thing that he continues to work. I am sure we can find umpteen examples of one-hit wonders who knew they dont want to work hard again after they’ve found success.

In my case where I am a capitalist, my success does not depend on that one flash in the pan moment of brilliance. For me, I need to come up with hit after hit after hit. Like Elon. Steve. etc. There has to be a string of successes that I have to establish if I have to make those billion dollars. And the impact.

Oh, I define success as a point mile-stone in your career life where you stop the hustle and whatever you’ve done so far gets you more opportunities. Example, if you are Elon Musk, after you sold Paypal, a lot of opportunities would come your way. Because you have set a precedence in the market by doing Paypal. You attract opportunities. Right now, I am Joe Nobody. Even if I am the right parter for something, people will not want to talk to me or get me on board.

7. People
Last few days have been rough in the sense that people that I always thought I could rely on have been acting weird. To the extent that I am not sure if I want to continue to help others. And these are people that have been like family. These people and I go back years. Almost a decade in one case.

I have stood like a rock. For things big or small. And when I need them, for whast I think is a small favour, I get a curt response. Now I understand that they may be busy and all that. And I also understand what Gita says about this – karma kar, fal ki chinta mat kar. But, you know, I am human. A, it sucks that I am in a spot that I cant get out of myself. B, I am actually seeking help. And C, the person you thought could help you is not interested in even giving you a proper response.

A better way to visualise A, B and C is to think that you were riding down a steep slope and you realise that the breaks have filed. And once you realise that you cant do shit about it, you prepare to jump and tell yourself that the jump will probably break a few bones but it’ll not let you die. But when you actually take the plunge, you are hit mid-air but an oncoming freight train. That you never saw or considered. Makes sense?

8. The point of this blog
Honestly, no one reads this. Apart from VG. I mean even I dont read this blog. So why do I take the effort to write in the first place? All this is so stupid and meaningless. I mean it could be meaningful if tomorrow I chose to run for a public office and someone actually goes through all 1500 or so posts to dig dirt on me. Apart from that I dont see an application. Because, a Vanita says, we are all but specks of dust in this one big coincidence.

Maybe its the only place where I can pour my heart out and have a non-judgmental audience? Or may be it is that when I write, I get this clarity that I can never get while I am thinking. Or may be I just love the feeling of writing on this blog – you know, like I am doing this for the sake of doing this?

Like Sheldon (Cooper) says, “we’d never know.”

9. Memory loss
Last few days I have noticed that I cant seem to recall things. I have always been the kinds to be able to not use a notepad and remember conversations, things, quirks, birthdays etc etc. At a point in time, I could use a memory place and remember a deck of cards. Now I cant even remember the 6-digit OTP pins that we get as SMS. Hell, I dont even know passwords to half things I know. I just go reset the accounts when I have to use a machine that does not have my data saved.

Note to hackers – yes my data is all inline and my password is ridiculously easy to guess. Want to take a shot?

Coming back. I need to do something about memory loss. The worse part is, whoever I talk to, they dismiss this as a shenanigan of a man who’s growing old. They dont see the pain I go through when I am reminded that I was part of the conversation and I have forgotten. Reminds me of this piece by Robin Williams’ wife on his last days. Funny that I am reminded of something when I talk about my memory loss. Do read that piece. Its really poignant.

To me, memory and recollection is not just one bodily function. To me, its a matter of pride that I dont forget things easily. I may not have an eidetic memory but people do call me an Elephant! And it sucks to be not able to remember things.

I am assuming that this is temporary and I will be back to being the amazing brain I was a few months ago. I have started using a few mobile apps to “train” the memory muscle. If its a muscle and actually helps to exercise it. These apps are making me do mundane tasks that simulate the brain for sure. I feel engaged and challenged. Its been a couple of days only and I am yet to see results but I remain hopeful.

Oh, in case this exercise does not work out, VG, please take to someone who can help. A doctor perhaps?

10. The music on loop
While I write this, I am at a Starbucks and I am listening to this song on loop. Why did I put this here? I dont know. Thats a lifehack, in case you are interested. Listening to the same familiar song over and over again, on loop, helps you focus. Trust me. Read about it.

11. Focus. 
I love multitasking to the extent that I have 23 tabs open in 3 windows. Yes I counted them. And since I starting writing this I have exchanged messages with friends, done a long phone call (who’s hustling to become a comedian), had a tea and played Bubble Breaker (you must try – its an amazing game).

In the second pass while I was writing this, I have a Watsapp window open and I am talking to people on that. And what am I talking about? How to lose weight! I am telling you, I am super with making plans. ;P

12. The way I write
I am the kinds to write and not edit. I want to get things right in the first time I write em. So, as I write, I am constantly looking at grammar and spellings and links and other such things. However, this post, I am making a list of things that I want to cover. And then writing notes on each. The idea is that I want to cover a lot and optimise the way I write.

After I made a list and tried to fill in, the following happened.
– After I made a list, I had a goal. To fill in those bullet points. That helped me stay on course.
– It became easy to write in short bursts. I could write for one bullet point and then digress to a conversation on watsapp
– More words happens. Simply because I have a lot to talk about each bullet point and when I am focussed on that one bullet, I can write everything about that bullet.
– The fact that the list was incomplete gave me an itch. And I had to scratch it. That helped.
– When I got stuck with a bullet, I could move onto the next one. So I wrote more. Now I can of course edit it out and all that but to me the path to quality is paved with quantity.

So yeah, this experiment has sort of worked. I hope I can use this for #book2.

13. And this is the last. #aPicADay on Instagram.
On Instagram, I have reached Day 9 10 of the #aPicADay pact that I made with Anusha. Today is Day 10. I will post something before mid-night. Lets see. Follow me on http://instagram.com/altsaurabh. Tell me which of the 10 is your favorite.

***

And with this, its a wrap. Thanks for indulging!
SG

Mumbai, Dec 2017

P.S.: Stats for nerds.
As on typing this line, time is 9:44 PM. Word count is: 1215.
As on typing this line, time is 10:16 PM. Word count is: 2306. Breaking to walk back home.
After I finished writing the post, date is 6th Dec. Word count is: 3354 or so.

P.P.S.: Whoever is reading this, if you care, please do tell me (in comments or on email / whatsapp) if this post sounds cribby and all that. I am trying to be someone who doesnt crib. Thanks! 

Untitled. Nov 2017

There is no context. There is nothing that I want to talk about. All I want to do, is to write.

Thing is, its been some time (last I wrote, it was Oct 9) that I’ve written. On this blog. Or elsewhere. Not that I am Gulzar Saab or something that words flow moment I fire up my laptop. You know, writing is such a big part of me that I cant survive without it.

Last few days have been messed up — lots happening on personal front, work front, ambition front and all other fronts that you can imagine. And because it was messed up, things that keep me going (like writing and music and people and travel) did not get any attention. With this, I am trying to get back on track.

To be honest, I am not sure what to talk about. I can talk about what has wrecked havoc in my life but that could get too personal to talk on a public forum. I can talk about issues at work but who wants to listen to a grown up man rant about office politics and his failure to lead a business? I can talk about how I started with personal coaching (I now have a coach – three cheers to that) and the first lesson that I took from that. If you are curious, the lesson is that I need to stop pimping my poverty. More on this some other day. Moving on, I can talk about Suits and the fact that Harvey and Mike are yet another duo in line with my previous post. I can talk about my experience from last few sessions at EMDI.

Or I can talk about relationship gyaan that I was giving to a friend yesterday? Yeah that sounds cool. I know I am not qualified per se (I am not the most successful at love and I dont really have any deep, meaningful relationships with either friends or family) but I think talking about it, writing about it will help me get clarity. After all thats how I stumble on my best ideas – by holding conversations and by writing about em. Here’s it!

So, I told her, there are three kinds of love.

A. Love at first sight kind of love.
You meet a girl. You love the way she talks, you love her brains, you love her looks, you love the way she dresses, you love her confidence. Or a combination there of. You fall for her. And if you are lucky, she’ll love you back.

Most popular media paddles this kind of love. Often you are opposites. You are the prince charming and you fall for the goofiest girl in the school. You are a cop and you fall in love with a gangster. You are a famous actress and you fancy a simpleton. Etc etc.

And then, you guys slug it out. You set in for the grind over the rest of your lives (assuming that love lasts a lifetime). You see brains get sharper, beauty fade away, personality change and all that. And you either adapt to it, grow with it. Or you get disappointed. Either way, the thing that you got together changes.

I know I am biased. Stay with me. Please. I will come back.

B. The rational love.
You make a list of things that you want your partner to have. Certain intelligence, certain level of bank balance. Certain level of maturity. Some level of beauty. Etc etc. And once you have a checklist, you look for people that, say, tick off at least 8 of those 10 things. You make a shortlist of those people. And then you tell all of them that.

Whoever accepts the proposal (either they love your sense of organisation or they love your looks or something), you start communicating with them and tell your reasons to try and “create” love. And then the two of you work hard to make things work. You work like hell. Put in real hard work.

Keywords are rationality, checklists, communication and hard work. You reduce a thing like love to a business problem. I know its boring and all the mush and serendipity and unpredictability and excitement and all those things go missing once you do this. This love is unlike any love that you have seen in films or books or other things. But then think for a minute about all those people who create those things that have given you the very idea of love. They didn’t just “fall” in love and whiled away their lives. They created a piece that inspired you. That piece required work. It was creation. Not revelry.

Again, let me park this here. I will come back to this. Promise.

C. The blind love.
For some irrational reason, you fall so hard for a person that you are willing to ignore all the shortcomings that the other person has.

If you are lucky, the recipient of your love will give you some shreds back but thats about it. You cant expect that love to fulfil you. I dont even know if that qualifies as love. I actually dont believe in this kind of love. But I know this one exists. I have friends who swear by their partners and lovers despite their obvious issues.

You want it, choose at peril.

***

So, now that I have defined the three kinds, I think you need to pick the kind of love you want to subscribe to.

For me, someone who believes in rationality and wants some bit of magic, I think the best thing to happen would be Type A. But then I am not the kinds to be able to attract the opposite gender. Plus I dont have such a large circle of friends that I create opportunities to bump into a magical woman. I also know that I dont hang out too often at cool places to create happy accidents. So I will have to “settle” for Type B.

Now, dont get me wrong about the settling down. It is not inferior. In fact its the purest form of companionship. Its something that you have worked hard on. Its something that you cant blame external factors on. If it works out, you get to take the credit. If it fails, you gotta blame yourself. There is just you that is responsible for it.

Such love makes you better. Such love helps you grow. Both of you works hard and help each other along the way.

Lemme connect to the higher purpose of life (and to those two threads that I have left hanging). We are not here to paddle paper or sell sugared water. Our purpose here is to create. And inspire others in the process. What if you get the love of your life to help you create more? What if your love pushes you to do more, do better? The love helps you grow. And with each shred of growth, the bond gets stronger. With each new day you actually create things that are meaningful. And how did you do that? With love! Love becomes that catalyst, the magic potion. Your unfair advantage!

Makes sense now?

What do you think? Whats your take on love? Tell me about it!

P.S.: For people like who have limited talent, limited brains, the only key to success is putting in the hours. Long and strenuous. I am told hard work eats talent for breakfast. I am yet to see it happen. But I am willing to give it a shot. So, even for matters of heart, I think hard work is better than serendipity any day.

Untitled – 16 Aug 2017

Yo! Been some days since I’ve written here. More than 2 weeks if I am not wrong.

If you care, lifes been ok. There is still no money but theres been some work. And there’s been some travel and some meetings and some getting things done. All in all, a mixed bag. The kinds that I think I like. Just that I need to get some more on the money bit.

Coming to an update (I dont even know why I do this — there’s no one reading these. May be I do these for giving my updates to myself? Who knows. Who cares. I love writing. Here it is.)

A
This time for the first time in life, I probably missed the Independence Day. The cynic in me is fucked in the head because of all that is happening around me (read communal tension, ups and downs in the economy, policies of Modi Ji, general confusion about where the country is headed).

If I were the kinds to get radicalised (if I havent been radicalised already), I’d be a prime candidate! I mean look at my character profile (blame the author in me for this). I have very little education, I am confused, I am an under-achiever, I hold strong opinions, I feel helpless (I dont know what to do to fix things; I dont even understand the problem) and I dont see a way out. You know what I am saying?

P.S.: The way out is to get out of the country. While I have always wanted to live in the Silicon Valley, this is the first time I am actually serious about it. A couple of friends are moving to Canada next year and from what they tell me, its not a bad place to be at!

And no, views are not of my employer. My employer will not endorse these. This is me. Personal. Individual.

B
The other thing that is happening soon is that I will be 35. At the age of 35, I was supposed to be a dollar billionaire. I am not even a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of that!

I have realised that I am not as cool as I thought I were – the good ones actually do well for themselves, the mediocre ones like me crib. I mean at my age, Zuckerberg is launching his bid to be the president of the United States and here I am crying about money. At my age Steve Jobs had done the cycle of getting fired from Apple, creating Next and becoming the CEO at Apple all over again. At 35… there is a long long list. For the time being, I know that I am poor. And I dont know where I want to be in life.

C
This piece caught my eye yesterday. See the following video.

The way those 5 people have been thanked for times than God, I want to be thanked as well. The purpose of my life, the reason why I exist, is to enable others to reach the peak of their chosen paths.

I wrote this on LinkedIn. Read if you are interested.

This also beings me to a debate that I had with a classmate from MDI. He said he is not in the race to go down the history. And rather, he wants to live it up here. He wants to experience as many things as he can, while he is here. He wants to enjoy life with his family. He wants to contribute to society and die a content man. Let me call him a Warren Buffett disciple. I on the other hand want to go the Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Elon Musk way. I am not sure if I want to enjoy life per se. Id rather push our collective understanding and enjoy that process, rather than going to national parks or something. While the friend made a very compelling argument in favour of going the WEB, in my head, I am still keen on being the Steve Jobs and Bill Gates and Elon Musk. I want to push the human race forward. Make that dent. Give our species a chance when shit happens. You know what am saying?

D
I am gonna be taking a break for a week in September. I want to go to a place that is cold, has good Internet connectivity on mobile phones (if in India) or cheap access (if abroad). I want a good writing table and a chair. A place where I can go for long walks. Access to clean water (lots of it) and cleaner restrooms. Budget is NOT a problem.

Where can I go? Recommendations anyone?

E
Book 2. So I’ve told myself that if I cant get the first draft of #book2 out by end of September, I will quit on the project. That means the next couple of months would be super hustle – there is a lot of work, C4E needs attention, other ideas needs attention, health needs attention and of course book2 needs attention. Lets see which bit of attention do I give into.

Thats about it. Do write in. Tell me how are things with you. Till I find time to write again, adios.

Untitled – 16 July 2017

So I am at a Starbucks. Here since 720ish. On a Sunday morning. Was looking forward to this time – so that I may focus on things and get things done. I cant seem to get anything done at office. May be I need a closed space to do things?

Digressing. Coming back. 

The point of this post is that I cant seem to focus for some reason. I had a mile long todo list and I am determined to do those. But the brain aint no functioning. Nothing has changed. I managed that 2-3 hour of sleep (blame on my nasal polyp) and I am as fresh as I could be. I took a long cold shower and listened to some great music while I made my way here. And yet once I found a comfortable place to seat, I cant seem to focus! The flow is missing.

I may argue that the todo list would have chores that I want to avoid. I have noticed a pattern with that. I tend to procrastinate on things that I dont want to work on. Things that I think that dont deserve my time, I keep delaying those. Till they become so urgent, so last minute that I swallow the poison and get over with it.

Digressing. Coming back. 


One of the things that I had planned to work on is the next book. I want to work on it. I want it out. I am committed to it. I know the basic plot as well. I have characters mapped clearly in my head. I have a final deadline in my head – if I cant get the book ready by then, I will drop writing altogether – rather focus on other things. And yet for some reason I could not do it. 
Then I tried to while time on twitter and youtube. I could not concentrate on that either. While its binging and there’s very low friction to it, I could not. 
Finally I had to resort to this. Blog. Free-writing. Without a context or agenda. Vomit of my thoughts on a public platform. To what end? I dont know. I could rather be working on C4E, AWSl, xT, Book2, onWriting or any of those one thousand ideas that I have floating around! 
If only I could focus 🙁

Untitled – 21 May 2017

I started writing this yesterday day before but could not get around to publishing it. Here’s the complete text, as I wrote yesterday day before.

So I have written two days on the trot. If I can publish this, it would mark the third day. And yay for that. The thing however is, I dont have a thing to write about.

All of two lines. But the point is, as I get increasingly busy (I should be going increasingly non-busy), I am trying to get back to writing. Writing is what gives me peace, gets me in the flow, allows me to dream (I think I have said it earlier, I think best when I am talking to someone. Or when I am writing). Writing is my meditation – they say that you get more grey matter as you meditate. I am sure writing makes my brain dense. It makes me sharper. Makes me better. And thats’ what I chase with all the fervor!

Also, there is this pattern. Unlike other times when I’ve written, this time, I dont have an agenda. Or a thing. I am writing for the sake of writing. Which is a good thing and a bad thing. Good, it feels good to have shipped something – even if its not up to the mark. Remember Anton Ego? Bad because you sort of get attached to the notion of delivering and you lose sight of the larger objective. And what is the larger objective, if I may? I dont know 🙂

Anyhow, this is the fourth para in this text and 3 of those 4 have started with an A. Why is this line important? I dont know. I just want to get a 1000 coherent words on paper. This is as coherent as it gets! Like most things, this is a clear case of one thing leading to another and taking me to undefined territory.

Oh, by the way, yesterday, I did something that I had never done before. I got in front of the camera. To start a new project with Mihir. More about it in a few days. I was surprisingly non-shy in front of the camera – though the way I looked could do some improvements. It was better that what we had expected. Hope to continue doing it.

That reminds me, I have another project that I started some time back and have done nothing to push it ahead. Thing is there is just too much happening. I need to take control of my life or I would be like a freight train rushing down a mountain! I spoke about it the other day.

Apart from this, I havent done much on things in last few months. My worry is that while I am managing day to day things, I am missing the bus. This FOMO is making me jittery like nothing else and I dont know how to escape from it!

Ok, before I spiral into a pitiful, self-flagellating rant, I am gonna stop and go get some shit done. Over and out.

Untitled – 26 Feb 2017

This week (and most the month) passed away in a blur. I was away (do see some of the pics I put up on Instagram) with super limited access to Internet. And unlike other times when I did not have Internet, I did not do any soul searching. I was merely living in the moment, seeping in the scenery and all that.

So the week after I came back from the travel, all of it was spent in recuperating from the laziness that had engulfed me over the previous three weeks. Its hard to get back to the groove but slowly, I am getting back. Thank God for that. There is so much to think about, capture, say, write. This is first in the edition.

So, a few lessons, observations and reflections from the trip are:

1. You are not irreplaceable. At work or at home. Or at friends. Or with anything else. Life goes on. The ego about you being the immortal and all that is so superficial that its not funny. Apart from work, all those pet projects that you want to nurture and grow, no one gives two hoots about them. You think you are adding value to people’s lives and they must care? Nope! You are wrong. Nothing adds any value to anyone. And if it does, they dont care. Life is too busy and they’d rather do more things with their time than pause and reflect. Not everyone thinks about larger issues that surround them. May be everyone does. Well, am rambling.

2. Kids can be great! While I was in Mel, I met this Indian family and the young one, a 6-year old girl, was so innocent and so endearing that for those few days, I actually wanted a kid of my own.

P.S.: Now that I am back, I dont think I want a kid. I am happy with once-in-a-while meetups with Myra. And if I get more craving, there is N.

3. It sucks to be a dark-skinned man in a white-country. You may claim that beauty is deeper than skin and your mind is more beautiful than the body and all that. Bullshit. The fact of the matter is, the way you look makes a HUGE difference. You get judged moment you walk in. And why not? We are evolved animals and we have survived all this while by merely relying on the mental models we’ve created. If we know that we would be safe in the company of people that look like us, we go out and seek the company of similar people. And if you are brown, apart from the billion and half of us that predominantly live in the Indian subcontinent, you will be “them” for the rest of the 5 odd billion people. I dont know if we can fix this but there has to be a way for me to not get bogged down by things!

4. Poker is a tough game. Played at two casinos and both times I was card-dead. Well thats not an excuse. The likes of Negreanu are card-dead all the time and still do well. If they can, I ought to. But I dont. Thing is, I have been playing it pretty regularly (at a point I was playing it once a week, now I get to play once in three months) since 2012 and these three sessions at at the casinos has made me realise that I suck so bad at it. In all I’ve lost about 75K, not including travel, accommodation, hours and all that. I thought I was good but clearly I am not. I do think that I have what it takes to do well but I am not sure if I have the time to practise. The ones who do well, the ones I know who do well, they get in a lot of hours on the table. More on this some other day.

5. Loved the professionalism and the respect for time in people there. If someone told me that they would meet me at 2, they met me at 2. Irrespective if it was raining, middle of the day, bad weather, they had a bad day, it was their birthday or whatever. People respect time like nobodies business. Here in India, well. Time is like that thing that we want to be strict about but are not. I wish I could live in a society where time gets such precedence as it gets down under. Of course all things are not rosy there but then time has to be THE most important thing that we have and if we cant respect it, what else is there to life?

Apart from time, the other great thing was that people do it with all their heart. If they are working on something, they are in it. They are not slacking. They are not cutting corners. They are not sweeping under the rug. They are doing it as if its going to be the last thing they’d ever do. Something that we have to learn here in India.

So yeah, thats about it for the time being. Over the next few days I hope to write more. Even though there is travel planned but I am going to not let that affect how I live my life. I am pretty lucky that way.

Over n out.

Untitled. Rant. Crib.

Alert: Read at your own peril.

I am going to rant. And rant hard. For I dont know what else to do. I think I am feeling weltschmerz (is that the correct usage? Or is it “suffering from”? I dont even know and you know who taught me about the word? Uday freakin Chopra! And read this article while you are at it). Or may be I am senile – after all I am old enough. I could be frustrated out of my wits. I could be a sore loser. I could be whoever. I have to speak my mind. I dont have a mountain where I could climb atop and scream my lungs out. I wish I had one. Or even an echo chamber. Nah. Or am empty room on the top of a high-rise. Nada.

But, I do have this blog. So here I am.

Rant. In no order.

People who cant work
At work, I try and juggle multiple balls and as a result I meet a lot of people. Most are ok – they do what is expected from them. Some are great at what they do. And some, they just suck. They suck at how they work. May be they are not capable. May be they are capable but are lazy. May be they dont see the big picture. May be there is no pride in being who they are. May be they are amazing and I suck. May be the two of us cant work together. The fault is in the damned stars. So, if the stars are not aligned, may be I need to find a way to steer away from them. Especially as I gear up for 2017.

I know I am being judgmental. I know I am not great at a lot of things I do. But then I try hard, I push myself. I show the intent of working. I try and I fail. But I do not give bloody excuses. Need to make things happen. Need to ship. No more slacking. No more working with people who are lazy. Not any more.

Egos bigger than the freaking Shivaji statue! 
Again at work, I meet people who [in their heads] are larger than life and love to play the blame game. They pass on the buck like those footballers dribble towards a goal. But unlike getting to a goalpost, the shit just gets pushed around in the middle with no end in sight.

What I need is people who ship (like Steve kept saying all his life). People who take ownership and are not scared of taking action. I want to err on the side of action. I am ok losing money, reputation but I want to move forward. Not get stalled.

Traffic in Mumbai
[This is where I rant on non-work things. Phew.]

Traffic in Mumbai has been written about almost everyone – including those who haven’t even been here. To be honest, it was actually bearable for a large part. Lately, for some reason, you cant reach from point A to B without getting jacked. I suspect this is because of the construction of Metro. I could be wrong though. Irrespective, I need to find a solution. I cant be stuck in traffic as life passes by me. I mean I am 34. I am mediocre. And yet arrogant. I am poor and yet my head is up my ass so high that I cant see shit. I need to… [look how I started talking of traffic and I am talking about myself. If this is not signs of a disease, what is this?]

Coming back. I need to find a solution to the traffic problem. My work (and hustle) requires me to be on the go all the time and meet people. So traffic is inevitable. I just need to find a way to be able to manage all this and yet grow.

Pool
I recently picked up the cue after ages. I was never a great player but I’ve always enjoyed being on the table. In fact I love everything competitive. I like when there are goals and I can practise towards them. [This is way different from how I was earlier – where I would want to be left alone and I would want to do things at my pace. Now, I want a measurable targets and the ability and freedom to choose how I work on those]

So, last couple of weeks, I have played almost every day for 30 minutes. Thats a lot of practise for a recreational player. Enough to do well at the table. But I am stuck. I cant seem to hit a straight shot. I dont know how to bank. I’ve never been able to pull a ball back after you hit a shot. And I am someone who loves the game. WTF is this!

And while I am at it, my other forms of recreation – poker, drives and writing – have seemed to dried up in last few months. I need to get back to em somehow.

Health
Last few days I have some close shaves. There are bruises, cuts, inflammations, pain and dont know what all.

So yeah. The rant. I think I need a break. From the world. From work. From friends. From family. From damned myself. I need to be away and go without a computer. Or a phone. I just want need to go somewhere cold, sleep for hours under a blanket, chase simple pleasures of life – walking, small-talk, tea, coffee etc. And the way things are stacked, I am at least a year away from that.  I actually may get to go away for 4 days between the 5th and 9th of Jan. Yay! 

But then 2016 has been a great year for me. I need to may be let this momentarily lapse in confidence go past me. Thing is, the holiday season could not cheer me up. And the other things that make me happy – travel, money, time, sgMS, I am not getting any of those. So, I dont know what to do and how to be happy. Someone said it perfectly on twitter: “My aalloo parantha is half burnt and thus I cant wait for 2016 to get over.” Well, I don’t have no aaloo parantha but I cant wait to start 2017.

Over n out.

P.S.: This is the 50th post of the year. Well done, considering how busy I was. #in2017, I promise to write about 100 posts. I know it sucks to focus on quantity but then I am not a wonder kid and I need to do a lot of work to be able to get one tiny thing that is out of the world. Wish me luck.

P.P.S.: Now that I have written this, I think the reason for the gloom is that a lot of small things have piled up, have been piling up for some time and they just came crashing onto me at the same time.

P.P.P.S.: As I write this, iTunes played Neil Young. Now I know what feeling the blues is. Universe, as SRK said, conspires!

The Fanboy Misunderstanding and other things

The Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu, J Jayalalita, passed away last night (or may be it was early morning – either way, I dont care). She was unwell for some time and good that her suffering has ended. I did not know much about her and I dont know if I want to know about her. Politics interest me but I am far from making it my profession and hence. Anyway, the point is not her death. The point is that I fail to understand what makes the common man get so fanatical about the fandom for a political / public figure that he’s crying out loud and is ok to get down to rampage. I saw the same first hand when Balasaheb passed away. I heard of similar stories when Rama 9 went away. People were on fasts and all that when Amitabh Bachchan was injured while shooting for Coolie. I mean what makes people go that fanatic?

Me on the other hand, the guy that I have been the biggest fan of, Steve Jobs, when I heard he had died, I was sad. I actually had tears. But after a bit, I was ok. I did not want to destroy things. I took inspiration from his life and I decided to do more with mine. I was sad but then I was not that vocal about things. May be its me. May be I am broken. Whatever it is. I will not understand what makes people do things they do. May be I would never know.

Moving on. Next thing on my mind is reading. I spent a large part of the day reading and I loved it. Not a book but articles, news and other such things. I realised how much I loved reading. I had forgotten how it was to read. I have to start reading again. I am going to get hold of books and read them while commuting, while waiting and so on and so forth.

While staying on the topic, I need to start writing again. Everyday.

Thing is, I have to take back the control of my life. I can not be a slave to work. If I have to cut down on work, I will. So the things that I need to pick up are reading, writing, connecting with people, learning new hobbies, teaching and traveling.

Phew! Thats it for the time being.

P.S.: Not the best of “blog-post” but there is something out and that counts more than anything else. Onward and upward.

Untitled – 25 Nov 2016

So, I am writing this for the sake of writing. I want to see my fingers do that dance on the keywords. I want the words to appear magically, as if the keyboard has grown a mind of its own. I want to listen to the music made by the incessant tapping of the keyboard. Its dope. Its fast, its mesmerizing, its addictive. It gives me a rush. It puts me in the flow. Its the best damn sound ever. Almost as good as sgMS singing. Its been so long I’ve indulged in my favorite guilty pleaseure – the one of writing. I havent written in so many days that its a fucking crime to call myself an author. 

Author – lol. The first book came out in 2014 and forget the strangers, even I have forgotten that I got one of my stories out. The other day I was at a book store and I told myself that it would be so cool to see my name in print. I had forgotten that I have been there and done that. And no, I am not a one-hit wonder — the one that I wrote isn’t a hit at all. 
I had plans to write more I HAVE plans to write more. I plan to retire an old man with an opinion on everything around me. And more importantly, an audience for all the opinion I peddle. Of course, today, I am a million miles away from it. 
As usual I have regular suspects to blame for it – work, health, travel. But when you are old and your spine is all but broken, the zest for life is all but gone, the infinite energy of your fading youth is no longer burning, who, what will you blame? Will it even matter? Remember why you started in the first place! 
And talking of blame, I take the blame for missing deadline on multiple things that I am supposed to do. For myself. Things like Book 2, multiple attempts at writing 1000 words a day, the #lifeGoal of conquering the Everest, learning the guitar, winning the main event at the WSOP. Other less selfish things that keeping my folks happy, finding purpose, helping others, Kwan. Wait. I shall not go down the pit of self-pity. There is more to life than that. I can choose to talk about things that I am happy about. Not a lot but there are a few. Or may be I will use this post to do what I do best when I write – think out loud. 
So, this urge to pour out, to talk to a stranger is a funny thing. I have friends that I know will lay down their lives for me. I know I can count on them. But I dont know if I can talk to them and explain the mess in my head (and PS, what a beautiful mess the damn head is). I need to find the cause of it. May be its the constant nagging at the back of my head about my inability to make meaning (and thus money). Or is it the release of super bundle of energy that I am? 
Thing is, I do multiple things to earn my bread but I am not sure if its the best use of my time. There are days where I have a lot of work and I cant even die. And then there are extended periods of lull where I could disappear and no one would know where I went. So may be I need to pick something that keeps me busy. And busy means busy. So busy that when I go home, all I do is sleep. I dont want time for finding love, for conquering my fears. I want to be busy. I want to drown. That’s when I believe I would do justice to the gift that I have. Makes sense? 

Untitled – 28 Oct 2016

A few days back I promised myself (and everyone around me) that I will write a 1000 words a day.

And I have failed. I did write 3 or 4 times but last I wrote, it was the 21st. And its been 7 days and I havent published a single word.

In my defence, I have written. Every day. But not a thousand words. But I have written.

However, unless I publish, there is no meaning to the promise of a thousand words. As one of my clients say, “indeed there’s a lot of noise in the kitchen but nothing is coming out of it and as long as there is nothing served, there is no proof of actual work to have happened.”

I have written some words but they aren’t published yet. May be they were half-baked, may be they were not good. May be they dint deserve to see the light of the day. Whatever it were. I did not publish and I am guilty.

Anyhow. Starting today (not this post – the one after this one), I will try to get back to the track.

So sorry for having let the faith down.

P.S.: Maybe I am too harsh on myself – hell yes! I am. But thats how it is. Life is too short. I cant wait on the sidelines as the world goes by. Have to slog hard. I have to err on the side of action. Over and out.

Untitled – 19 Oct 2016

Day 4 / 100 of the 1000WADv3.

So its 7:40 PM and I am staring at a mile-long todo list. And I have to do all those before tomorrow morning when I have a really important meeting that I cant miss for anything. If there is a day when I am going to miss my 1000 words, its going to be today. And this is when I chose to prioritize and put everything on hold till I got these 1000 words out of the day. 
The other thing is that I dont know what to write about. I dont lead a very exciting life and apart from the two Uber rides to and from work, all I do is stare at a computer screen and sleep. And there’s as much I can fill in. 
So let me call this untitled and just vomit my thoughts. Let me use bullet points. 
A. The highlight of the day is a ten-minute long chat between Shekhar Gupta and MDA (cant embed and thus just the link). I am told that the man and the company are manipulative and all that but the interview is such an eye-opener into how that man thinks. The entire thing is not online but I am super impressed with the way the man thinks and the kind of people he is connected to. In ten minutes of the interview, it was clear that he is very methodical, very particular, very articulate (he did make some mistakes and all that). No wonder he’s THE MDA! 
B. I just got a new tnks sticker on the new laptop. And today at a meeting, a client asked me about the next book. In last few days, the number of people asking me for the book has gone up considerably. I need to get the writing game going. And I think these 1000 words a day will go a long long way in helping me do that. 
C. I’ve rediscovered my love for the music of film Taal. The entire OST is super amazing and super conducive to work. The music helps you get to flow faster. Try it. 
D. I spent bulk of the day in the meetings. The mile-long todo list that I spoke about is a side effect of that attempt to meet as many people as I could. I thus get stuck with delivery and the client that cries harder and or pushes shoves me farther gets his things done faster. Of course this is not a great way to get things done. I need to hire people. And for that I need budget. And for that I need money. And to make money, I need people. Vicious circle you see. 
The point of D is that I need to be able to put a team that helps me deliver. Or may be, if delivery is my thing, a team that can get me work. At C4E, I am trying a bit of both. There are people that I am paying to get my leads and intros. And there are people I am trying to get on board to deliver on projects that we are on. Read this longish post I wrote yesterday. And to make it clear, I mean EVERY word of that. I stand by all the promises I’ve made in there. Of course, time shall tell. 
E. Continuing to talk about work (have you noticed that I talk of work lot more these days), I made two hiring blunders and I dont know how to fix those. I dont want to fire. I know that the said person is not capable of delivering what I expected them to. I dont know about others but a business has to fundamentally make monetary sense. MDA even acknowledged it on a public forum that you have to sense for shareholders to invest time and all that. So, while the obvious way to go is to let go, the non-obvious way is to let the mistake linger on, let it fix by itself and then evaluate after a while. I dont really know the right way to go about it. But thats the point of doing your own shit – you learn each day. And you better do – or else these 100-week hours are meaningless. Oh, I got the 112-hour week from this amazing advert by Ram. I can watch this all day long – I often do! 
F. Just looked at the watch. Its 9:52 and I am still on this. The mile-long list is still around. Staring at me in the face. And in the last two hours I have called a friend, chatted with a couple of colleagues, posted 10-odd tweets and opened and closed 20 old browser tabs. I’ve ordered my dinner, gossiped with a colleague, heard some Backstreet Boys (yeah, am a dilliwallah like that), saw a few YouTube videos (cant post links here), discussed a business idea with a friend and then, checked 200 times about the length of this post. 
And this is where I will end this. If the purpose of writing it to get the word count going, no point doing it. And on the contrary, thats the purest chase. The chase of a deadline and chase of a goal. It helps instill dedication, confidence, goal-orientation, focus and all these positive things. 
So yeah, this is it for today. May be tomorrow I will write that will add value to you as a reader. Till then, over n out. 
P.S.: I am still accepting “invitations” to be a part the list of people that I send these blog updates to. All you have to do it, tweet at home, write me an email. Either works. Preferably before 7 – thats the time I try to read all my mails from the previous night.

Untitled – 17 Oct 2016

Day 2 / 100 of the 1000WADv3.

Day 2. The toughest of them all. You’ve just announced a new habit that is anyway tough to keep up to (1000 words is no mean feat – easily a 2-hour job) and it hasn’t met with the mass hysteria that you hoped it would create. You dont have any motivation to do it. But you have to. If you dont, you risk public ridicule. If you do, you’d have to kill the procrastination dragon. You dont know which is the lesser evil. Irrespective. You have to do what you have to.

So, today, its been a busy day. Lot of errands to run at home. Lot of small meetings at work. Both require a lot of attention and are unproductive in the long run. The kind of chores that you ought to outsource. Not that you’d do great things with your time but its your time nonetheless. You can damn well sleep at that time. Its your time.

I did get some time to read a few things. The one that topped the list was this article that dissed Chetan Bhagat. But then apart from talking about Chetan Bhagat, the article also talked about this set of Hindi authors (Ashish Chaudhary, Nikhil Sachan and Divya Prakash Dubey) that are apparently as big as Chetan is. These guys write in Hindi, for an audience that is Hindi and like Chetan Bhagat, are a bridge between the classical, literary authors and mass, colloquial readers. I hadnt heard their names but a tiny investigation revealed that they actually exist! And exist they do. They are kings and princes of the Hindi heartland. May be I need to look at that as a market! Or may be not. I am not sure I have time to create things. Or talent for that matter. I remain mediocre at best. A persistent one at that. And I’ve learned that a persistent and mediocre dude is always better than a lazy exceptional man.

The other highlight of the day is the renewed focus on being efficient and effective. For a change, I could focus on things while I worked. Not that I got more things done but I am hoping I would retain lot more than previous times. The theory by definition will take some time to test but I shall keep at this focus bit.

Other disjointed piece of information that I have started to settle down at the new house. And my luck continue to remain fucked up with the house. Guess its a sign, that I am going to get a place of my own pretty soon. And going by the going rates of realty prices in the city, my first million is just around the corner!

I got into a bet with a colleague that I would be 30″ same time next year. So #in2017, I will be 30″. Super tall task and considering the fact that I’ve struggled with weight all my life, I will need to put in super-human effort to do so. And you know what? I will. I am already off Coke (and all sugarless variants, Red Bull and coffee). I need to cut on processed food and add some sort of work out. And once I get into the groove, it should be easy. Look at this guy. If he could, I can. Of course he ran a half-marathon. I am sure I can do it as well.

And the last yet another thing for this update. I continue to have the regret that I dont get time to read as much I want to. I recently got an Agatha Christie – that has made me restart reading. I am seriously thinking to reactivate the Kindle that I dont use. But may be, I dont need a Kindle. All I probably need is an intent to read! I’d may be take a 100 books a year challenge once I am done with these 100 posts. Or may be I will find a better way to work and make out more time for reading?

Brings me the last thing for this post. Thing is, I am just vomiting out all the unconnected thoughts and threads that I have in my head. Anyhow. SO today I sat and thought about how I want to work. And I realised that I suck at how I work. I spend a lot of time in actually doing things. Which is not cool if you ask me. At this stage in life, I have to manage things. I have to find people to help me do shit. In fact I just posted about the kind of person I want to work with. You know of someone I could work with? Please help me with some direction. I will really appreciate it.

Thats about it from this post.

Oh, one more thing. Do let me know if you want to be updated as I post the daily 1000 words. You have my email address and twitter handle (@saurabh). 🙂

P.S.: Not checking for copy and grammar. May be will edit it tomorrow or day after. Or a weekend. Or may be never. That’s the point. No? 


P.P.S.: Not very happy with how this post has come out. But, for the time being, the struggle is to churn out those 1000 words a day and not worry about the quality.