Work – 922

The Sleepy Syndrome

Yesterday I had to stay up to finish a thing I was working on. And it was tough. No, not the thing that I was working on. But staying up.

So tough that I roamed around like a zombie in the house.

I have this friend who’s shacking up with me for a few days. And since this is a Mumbai house, he’s using the hall as his bedroom. The guy told me that I sort of scared him with all the feet that I was dragging along the entire night.

I just could not stay up. Despite my earnest efforts.

And it sucks. Suck so bad that I am blogging about it.

Thing is I have always taken pride in my ability to get by with little sleep or food or other such worldly comforts. I do need a lot of safai, water, and access to a clean loo. But lately, since I’ve got on the sleep-more bandwagon and have become that boring old man that sleeps at 10 and wakes up at 5, I am used to spending 7-8 hours on the bed. What I do there is anyone’s guess but I do try and be on the bed for that long.

Now, yesterday, when I had this important submission, I was initially unfazed. After all, I haven’t needed a lot of sleep. I thought it would be a cakewalk. And to make matters easy, I loaded my ref with Diet Coke, Diet Chiwda, Diet Air and Diet BS. Who could stop me?

Well, myself!

Thanks to my old age, I just could not focus on the task at hand. I would doze off even while I was walking around. I was bouncing off the walls. Literally. I drank I don’t know how much water and I don’t know how much I peed but I do know that by the end of it, I was so sick and tired of all the visits to the loo that I parked myself outside. And while I was parked there, I dozed off as well.

Thankfully, the work I was doing was a writing gig. And I remembered that if you are a writer, you do not let the piece make you its muse. Rather you make it your bitch and belt it out when you feel like. So, I decided that even though all odds are stacked against it. And I promised myself that I would not sleep unless I do it!

Just that my body clock and age had decided that they would make it tough for me.

However, I persisted and finished the piece. The lesson I took away from that is that as I age, health has started to become an increasingly important component. Thankfully I am a little stable in the head (I think) and thus I have been able to survive. Need to do a lot more work on my physical fitness. Will make 2020 about fitness. And that means food and working out. Things that I have traditionally ignored.

Will work on starting now! Wait and watch!

About 12 hours after I caught some sleep, I am still reeling from the effects of not sleeping. Even this piece is not the best that I’ve written. I HAVE to fix things!

On mental health…

Sent this email to some co-workers. Publishing it on my blog because I think this deserves a larger audience.

Hi!

Disclaimers first.

You are getting this email because you work with me. And I work with you. In the capacity of a partner, employee, employer, friend, mentor, intern, associate, client et al.
This is going to be a long email. Please DO read this. It’s important to me that you do. No, you don’t have to reply.

So, you, of course, know me. And you know that I have always taken pride in pushing people out of their comfort zones. To a point that I zealously justify that “Good Job” thingy in the movie Whiplash. I love the idea of going all-in. Your work has to consume you or it is not your true work at all. I like the idea of NOT having a work-life balance. I have worshipped hard and long work over anything else. People that are famously workaholics are my idols (not just for what they’ve been able to achieve but the work ethic they had – and yes apart from a few exceptions I have not seen a lot of people work less and yet get successful). To me, you either went BIG or you did not try. I would push EVERYONE I know to try and aim for a large objective. With the rationale that even if you failed, you would have achieved things that were beyond your imagination. And I thought it worked well. I mean it DOES work well. I have enough evidence.

But something happened this week that is making me re-think the very core of my belief system.

So, the day before I met this young boy, A, for a coffee. He is one of those typical young people that I like to spend time with. Young, intelligent, ambitious, hungry for success, believes in self and his ideas. Hustles hard – travels through the length and the breadth of the city to meet people. Closes loops. Follows up. Actually does the work. Creates opportunities that don’t exist. Finds work wheres there no scope of it ever happening. In one line, if you asked me, he is on the fast track of success. Has EVERY ingredient that I always wish I had. I would’ve bet my life that in 5 years he would be amongst the richest and most famous people!

But then one minute into the meeting, I realized that something was amiss. And while talking excitedly about what he plans to do, he started sobbing. In the middle of a coffee shop. In the middle of a sentence. In the middle of a slide. Took him a few seconds of crying and then he was back to normal and continued where he had left! As if nothing happened. I figured that he is suffering from some mental ailment that I did not have an inkling of.

I saw him breakdown in front of my eyes.

Normally I am good at spotting signs but this one escaped me, even though I was meeting him often. Since the meeting, I’ve read quite a few things and I know that mental health issues can hide in plain sight and people suffering don’t even realize that they are suffering!

Coming back. So A, otherwise articulate, in that 20-minute meeting was hyperactive, jumped from topic to topic, cried a few times without realizing that he was, made the same point multiple times (he lost track of what he was speaking), talked about how he will rule the world (and he was damn serious about it), popped a few medicines (I hope they were legit) and could barely sit still.

This was the first time when something like this happened so close to me. And I was, I am shaken.

I am not exaggerating that it was THE most painful meeting of my life. I have been in meetings where people have lost their loved ones, lost business, flunked years, broken up with the loved ones and more. Those were comparatively ok. This was so painful that I could not sleep. And I was mostly like a vegetable for almost a day. I could not process that life could be so unfair. As I write this, I still can’t.

But what I did process was that my approach towards work may not work for all. Of course, I’ve been told by a lot of people that there is never a one-size-fits-all solution. I’ve read it multiple times at multiple places. I’ve even discussed it with close friends but never believed in it. I would dismiss these as easy reasons to be lazy, short-sighted and un-ambitious.

And I’ve never been more wrong!

So wrong that I am probably going to reevaluate my whole life. And like I said, my belief system.

I believe that all human progress was made by people that did not have work-life balance.
But at what cost? By having broken people living in misery? Or may be misery is indeed a fundamental truth of life? I know I am going down the existential-nihilism dredge and I ought to stop.

I believe that we need to work hard and do nothing else.
I believe that every waking minute needs to be spent on chasing growth / money etc.
I do not believe in the concept of breaks.
But does that really make people more effective? Does that deliver more? The whole of tech-space yesterday was debating about this on twitter. None of the sides was a clear winner. No, it’s not about winning or losing. It’s about people. And understanding that both may have its own merits. And you cant diss others for their unambitious, slow life. That is their decision to make and I can NOT push them to see things my way.

I believe that we need to surround ourselves with others that are on the same path and trajectory as us. And more importantly, chase the ones ahead, the ones that seemed to have it figured. Chase them till you die. Till you reach where they are (which is never because by that time they are further ahead). You know, rat race?
May it’s this rat race to the impossible top that sends people off the cliff? What if there is never a cliff? Just a treadmill?

I believe that we need to workship these heroes that have done superhuman things. And live with the maxim that if they can, then you can as well!
Of course, they have had different circumstances, lives, opportunities, ideas and all that. But who are we to think about those? What is important is that we have a cultish fervor towards these heroes.

May be, just may be, this entire startup culture, youth revolution, row your own boat, blow your own trumpet life is what is pushing people over the edge? Everyone is surrounded by so much media, content, information, signs that you can do so much more, that you can be the king of the world, that life is beyond the comfort zone, that you are special etc, etc. We hear about people next door that go on to raise a billion dollars, people that come out of nowhere to become the next Bollywood superstar, people that start with nothing and go on to captain the most prestigious team ever. These things are supposed to inspire you. Their stories are meant to help you push harder. After all, they cast-off, did their own thing, worked hard and achieved fame.

Is this the real culprit?

If they did not have glory, we’d not have heroes. May be there is indeed merit in remaining anonymous. Or may be not. What would make a man get up from his bed if he did not have his brethren to make envious?

Ok.
Enough.
I have ranted for so long now. And trust me I thought about A and his condition for hours before I could gather the thoughts to be able to write this.

And the point of this?

Well, if I’ve pushed you beyond your comfort zone, it is to help you see things that you probably aren’t able to. Now I know I have no right. If I’ve said anything out of place, caused you discomfort, belittled you, I am sorry.

And if you ever think you need some sort of intervention, if I can help in any way, PLEASE do let me know. PLEASE speak up. You ARE important to me. And to a lot of other people!

And please keep looking for signs around you and when you spot someone in distress, please please intervene!

And that’s about it.

Oh, one more thing. I love you! Really do.

Thanks,
@saurabh

PS: No, please don’t call me and ask who this person is.

PPS: If I sound incoherent, please excuse. I am writing after a while. And I am still shaken. To a point that I took a break for a day before resuming work. I can’t even imagine when A must be going thru. Or how any of you is.

Winter is coming!

So, I sent this email to some people that I work with. Triggered by some incidents at work. What those incidents were, different talk for a different day. The lesson, pertinent. For each day, for each person. Especially for knowledge workers in this information age and economy.

Oh, some of my people told me that this sound condescending. Which it may. And if it does, I apologize. But the message is an important one to be sent around!

Read on…

So I wrote a 2500-word email on how we need to be reliable as knowledge-workers and a collective and a company and all that. I called it “Winter is Coming” and I meant to say that the way the world around us is moving, most knowledge workers would find it tough to find work in an environment when purses get tightened, costs plummet and more and more people join the workforce.

But in the morning while I was editing it, the email disappeared.
And there went my angst with it.
I think it was good that it disappeared – I had written nasty things in it.

Wait.
Angst?
Why?

Well, that email was triggered by three separate instances of people telling me that people I promote (you guys, your ideas, and your companies) are NOT reliable at all.

Let that sink in.

Not reliable at all.

I was told that we promise the world and then we don’t deliver. Heck, chuck the delivery, we don’t even call back. We go radio silent for days. Clients keep chasing us but we don’t take their calls, we don’t respond to their messages while we are active on twitter and all that.

Guys, everyone can see that you have time for chilling but no time for work.

And 2 of those 3 told me that they are taking their work elsewhere. We may not be paid a lot by these people – we are in the build phase of our lives – but each interaction, each opportunity is worth a lot! We can’t afford to lose opportunities.

Boys and girls, I am ok with sub-standard work but I am not ok with not being reliable. And of course, sub-standard work is not cool. We must strive to do great work. More on this someday later.
So, as someone who has partnered with you (or hopes to partner with you soon), I can not have this.
I will not tolerate that we are not reliable.
If we cant deliver a certain thing, we MUST say so.
In as many words.
If we cant deliver, let’s apologize and not keep them guessing.
It’s ok to say no. But it’s not ok to not deliver.

In the business we are in, reliability is THE most important thing ever. If we cant be reliable, we have no rights to be in the business. In fact, we will be out of business before we know it. The world is run by people that are reliable. You could be the most brilliant person ever but if you are not reliable, you are nothing. I learned the lesson the hard way. Till a few months ago I was loose with what I said. But I am changing and improving. And can I request you to please improve as well, please?

Each of you is better than me.
And I am super proud of what you do and super grateful that I know you and work with you.
But I am NOT ok with this thing about being unreliable.
This may be a tiny thing for you – for the world, it is LARGE.
Think of the times when you have promised things and not delivered. Swap yourself with the person you promised things to. Now, if someone tells you that something will be done by a certain time and then they don’t do it, how do you feel? That is how the world feels when you don’t call them back or do as promised.

Not pointing fingers at any one person in particular. Just want to make sure you know who we are. Reliable. Trustworthy. Accountable. People that believe in Zubaan Ki Keemat.

Ok enough. Have to go. That’s the lesson for the day. I get so riled up with this! Imagine if I can write these 500 words dripping with exasperation, imagine the effort I had put in for that 2000-word essay! May I will re-write that 2000-word essay. But for the time being, the word reliable has to be tattooed on our foreheads. Please 😀

–
Love you guys!
SG

PS: Not every one of you is unreliable. But I want to reinforce this as the number 1 thing that we stand for.

PPS: Sending this to some people that I don’t work with right now but am hoping to work with, in the near future. Please tolerate this outburst 🙂

Thank you, Pradeep (11)

Post 11 of #sg100peopleToThank. More about this series is here. I started this in April and then as things got busy, I sort of forgot about it. Until I was cleaning Asana and saw that I had decided I will write 100 thank you letters. And here I am!

Thank you, Pradeep!

So, Pradeep Daniel. I don’t even know how to describe him as. Before I try to talk about him, lemme give context. At a point in time, I used to work with this events agency as the client servicing / strategy person and Pradeep was the head of the creative team. As two senior resources of the company, we often had to work closely on various projects. And like all other colleagues that work closely, we’ve shared some great times. And not so great times.

Of course, Pradeep moved on. And then I did. And there was no reason to stay in touch but like those old warhorses that gather together to relive their battles, Pradeep and I meet often (about once in two years when I am in the same city as he) and talk about the times gone by.

So, now that you know who he is, lemme try and describe him. Try is the keyword. He is one of his kind. I know this is a cliche and the writer in him would cringe at this. The supervisor in him will ridicule me and ask me to rework the copy and the friend in him will encourage me to think harder. He is not just a senior. He is a friend. To everyone that knows him.

This still does not do justice to who Pradeep is. Lemme try harder. Maybe Pradeep is someone who could write so well that his email could move you to tears? I remember reading one of his emails when he wanted leave. I distinctly remember wanting to be his driver and drop him to his hotel with my own very hands. In fact, I would look forward to reading his emails – even if they were for work. They were pieces of art. If I were him, I would put those emails on an exhibition. If nothing else, I would publish a book.

Of course, he is more than a writer. Lemme try harder, as he would say.

Maybe Pradeep is that original multitasker who taught me that I need to be able to write copy, make my own artworks, get the damn thing printed, ensure that prints have come out alright and follow up with the Production team till those are put up at the event venue! Maybe it is the time that I spent with Pradeep that has made me chase this multitaskness! May be secretly I hate him for being so good that all my life I’ve chased his benchmarks!

Maybe he is someone who taught me that I ought to enjoy those long rides home from work (I lived some 50 KMs away from the office. Pradeep, another 10 or so beyond that). In fact, Pradeep made those rides fun (the drive otherwise is way too long, too drab, too monotonous and too tiring). If not for Pradeep, I think I would’ve quit Gravity long before I eventually quit.

Maybe he is someone who had the balls to stand up to two super-smart, super-opinionated, super-intelligent people that he reported to. You know that unstoppable force hitting an immovable object? Pradeep was that force. Suvi and Anna were that object. You can not imagine the intensity of that explosion. And of course, on the way back home, he would glow in the, well, afterglow. And I would catch some radiation. And, well, radiate.

Maybe he is a magician under the garb of a human being – he has answers to all the life’s questions and mysteries. May be is Calvin and he is pulling a fast on us by posting Calvin posts on his Instagram feed all day long. Maybe he is the hero we all need (but do not deserve).

You get the drift. That’s Pradeep Daniel for you. Thank you, Pradeep. For being you.

Oh, and I have a confession to make. I am guilty of often overlooking the contributions made by Pradeep because there was Suvi around. Each is different. Each is important. But as it happens often, the polite one tends to fly under the radar. Like Pradeep did. I know this is too late and too little. But I have to put this on paper. Pradeep, thank you!

Till we meet next, Daniel San!

Love,
SG

Others posts in this series: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

Thank you, RaJ!

Post 6 of #sg100peopleToThank. More about this series is here.

Thank you, Raj

I consider myself a destiny’s child. Good things happen to me, without me asking for them. Of course, there are times when it takes time for those things to happen, but they do happen. And at times when I am totally unprepared for those. Case in point? ~~Raj~~ RaJ Kurup, founder of Creativeland Asia, an advertising agency.

So this is back in 2007. I had put in my papers at GE and I had no clue what to do (not that I know now but back then I was even more clueless). I had seen some great ads (this, this and this) and back then I thought making ads would be something that could be exciting. I went to a placement consultant and asked her to get me interviews with some. She got me two – one with Raj and the other with Law & Kenneth. From what I recall, both accepted me and Raj offered me more money. Plus he was cooler for sure. That chance meeting with him and the decision to join him as one of his first employees turned out to be among the best decisions of my life.

In the two years I spent with him, I learnt EVERYTHING I know about the business of communication. Each day was fun, exciting, nerve-wracking, full of learning and more. There was this constant amazement. I was on the steepest learning curve of my life. Apart from his brilliance, Raj had assembled this team of great people, each a master of their craft. Each interaction with the team at CLA was enriching. Each day I left the office a better person, richer with knowledge and more aware of the world. And I tap-danced to the office most days.

I spent exactly two years with him and I quit him to go back to Delhi and start something of my own. It’s ironic that Raj was himself responsible for feeding me with all the ambition that made me want to have more than what Raj paid me and quit working for him.

Of course, with time, life moved on. But at each workplace I have been to since I have merely applied things that Raj and team taught me. Raj gave me the best foundation that I could expect to get and I merely built on top of that. Gravity allowed me to learn from practical experience. Social Wavelength added another dimension to what I knew. VISCOMM / C4E gave me, as Redbull will say, wings. But all of it started with interactions with Raj and CLA.

If not for Raj, I wouldn’t be doing what I am doing right now. Life would have taken a different trajectory for sure – I don’t know for good or bad.

As I end this, I think I was extremely lucky to have met Raj at a time when I needed someone to take an active interest in me and help me grow as an individual. Raj did exactly that. I am thankful and indebted to him for this. In fact, each day I try to pay it forward by trying to find some young people that I can mentor. Are you one? Lemme know and let’s talk 🙂

Lastly, I think the greatest compliment that I can give Raj (or anyone else for that matter is), if I could turn back time, I would not quit Raj.

Thank you, Raj. Good luck with everything you do.

Others posts in this series: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

PS: Lately Raj hasn’t been in the news for the right reasons. I am not sure how to comment on it but the respect I have for his work ethic and ambition remain intact.

For the next 50 years

Today’s while talking to one of the interns that work with me (HS), I told her, “I have all the time in the world for the people that I want to be with for the next 50 years.“

And once the conversation got over, the gravitas of the statement hit me. Hard. In my face.

Lemme repeat it. And decode it for you.

“All the time in the world”

In a world where attention spans are reducing by the ~~minute~~ second and time is increasingly becoming THE most important ~~commodity~~ asset (if it weren’t already), its impossible to commit “all the time.”

“For people that I want to be with”

This is easy. People that I want to be with.

“With” means people who I work with. People I live with. People I eat and drink and sleep and make merry with. People that I travel the world with. People I want to make memories with. The ones that make me better. Push me. Nudge me. Disagree with me (and yet stay with me). And vice versa!

People who I’ve known for years. People that I will to know in the next 50. And more.

“For the next 50 years.”

To give context, I am 35. I dont even know how 50 years look like. The longest “relationship” apart from my family has been with a friend who I know since I was 7 or 8. Thats 27 years. The second-oldest friend, I know him since I was 17. Thats 18 years.

And the number of people (apart from family) that I know for over 20 years and I am in touch with is not even a handful. And here I am talking about being together for the next 50! You see the challenge?

But…

But, but the thing is, the statement is the sum total of all that I have learnt over the last 35 years! It means that…

I care deeply for my people. So much so that I am willing to make large commitments. And public ones at that.
I am in it for the long term. 50 is as long as they come. 2/3rd of the average lifespan of humans. And “it” means things I do.
I am more aware and mindful of the commitments I am making. Because as we go along, the only currency that we’d have is our reputation. And that gets built over time. With consistency. And delivery.
I understand that relationships are hard work. It takes a LOT of effort to nurture relationships and I am willing to do the hard work required.
I am aware of the fact that if I have to ~~make a dent~~ ~~change the world~~ make the world a better place, I can’t do it by myself. I need people to back me up and stand by me.
And I want to share the rewards. There is no way that great things wont happen if people are together for 50 years. More than anything else, we would be happier and healthier. And that would enable us to do more for others. I dont know if there is any other meaning to life.
We (my people and I) can tackle problems that would take 50 years to solve! This essentially means that we can take on large challenges. Which one do I want to attack right now? I want each human being in the world to realise their potential and live happier and healthier. Large. And scary. You get the drift why I need long-term orientation?

There is more. There has to be. Will discover as I go along.

***

Thing is, while I was talking to her, I wasnt trying to be someone who I am inherently not. It just came out naturally and I stand by the statement. I mean it. I can make a promise that I will stick around for long. Really.

And looking at this from the other side, each person that chooses to work with me, they need to be oriented for the long run as well. If long-term is not your thing, we probably will not gel well together.

Why long term?

Because anything worth doing usually takes long!

Plus if you want to make impact at a scale, it WILL take long. Unless you are extremely lucky. Which I will probably get as I work alongside great people with the long-term orientation.

Plus remember that quote? That “compounding is the 8th wonder of the world“? If I stick with people for long, our relationships WILL compound and WILL create a giant unfair advantage for all of us!

And finally, if people like Warren Buffett, Charlie Munger, Prof Bakshi, Jeff Bezos and others believe that long-term thinking is advantageous, I am not questioning them.

In fact I was seeing this video by Ray Dalio’s where he talks about his principles for success (SEE THIS VIDEO NOW – 30 minutes and totally worth all the time) and the belief in the long-term orientation got reinforced. Since I saw it just yesterday, the thought was fresh in my head and it came out in my conversation with HS!

If you still need more evidence about long-term thinking, I’d just say that Rome wasnt built in a day and I will leave it at that! That’s about it for the day. Over and out. Lets go build our Romes. While we are together for the next 50, time is less.

Any you know why that cover image? It’s from Whole Earth Catalog and it speaks about how you ought to Stay Hungry and Stay Foolish. And I really think that if I am to walk the long road and make the world a better place, I need to have some great people walking alongside me.

The Method in Madness

This post talks about how I work, what prompts my (business) decisions, what drives me and like the title says, the method behind the madness.

Three things prompted me to write this post.

a. When I announced Open Office Hours, Sanjay advised me to make a list of all things that I do. And on top of those, make a list of things that I complete. And it wasn’t a great feeling to get sucker-punched in the gut.

Of course, his input was valid. For, I am someone who is good with starting things but I suck at finishing.

b. I bumped into a very old friend ~~yesterday~~ few days ago. She introduced me to her fiancé and said, Here’s Saurabh. He’s an amazing guy but he is flaky. A sucker-punch second time around. And a jab.

Again, very valid. I suck at keeping in touch. I am driven by my comfort and my whims. I often don’t honor my commitments (disclaimer – personal commitments. I’ve met ALL work commitments, baring a handful. Its my reputation that has taken me this far (more about reputation as we go along)).

c. At work, two separate sets of incidents made me aware that I fail to inspire confidence in my people. Sucker-punch, left-jab and upper-cut. One short of KO.

Really. I mean I could not sleep well the night I realised that people don’t have faith in me. I’ve always thought that I am the kinds that will be in your corner if you are ever in need. No, I don’t want to defend. I want to take an objective look at things.

Lemme give context and talk about one of the incidents.

I proposed something really radical and that meant people had to take giant leaps of faith to support the plan and the initiative. To me, its as clear as a clear sky that we have to do that. And good part is that my team agrees that we need to do it. But the team is not willing to take the leap. When I wondered why, I was told that such leaps of faith require the team to have faith in the leader. And a leader that the team knows will stick with them. And they said they don’t trust me enough (not just my ability but they don’t trust even the intent).

Thing is, while I may say (to myself) that I don’t leave anyone in lurch; but if there are different opinions, I need to re-look at my leadership style. I do agree that I get bored easily and I move on fast. Like they fall like sack of potatoes after a KO? And I know that I am like that child in the candy store that wants every damn thing. Of course my attention span is shorter than that of a butterfly or even a goldfish or maybe the hummingbird. I move on faster than Ali could dodge hits. Ok, I am digressing. Point is, I agree that I fail to inspire confidence in my team and that is probably because I cant seem to stick with one thing for long.

There are more examples. But I guess I’ve made the point.

Oh, and if I have to reach the 1 million (and subsequently, the 1 billion goal), I need to be able to get people to buy-in. And to get the buy-in, people I work with need to understand the method in my madness. After all humans are rational creatures and if they know why I do the things I do, they probably will see things from my perspective!

Also, I love to don multiple hats. I love to juggle lot of things at the same time. And this is reflected in my personal life and in professional. While this is not the best way to go about things and research after research and expert after expert has pointed that you need to have extreme focus if you want success. And I don’t disagree. In fact I advise people to remain focused and do one thing at a time. Just that I am made in a way that I cant focus. I tried for a bit to get focused but I realised that my output suffers when I do one thing. And, I do my best work (as rated and evaluated by me and me alone) when I do a million things at the same time!

So I’ve accepted that I am going to be a scatterbrain all my life. I will be a fickle mind. I will be a Jack of all trades. And rather than being shy about it, I have accepted the way I am and I now try to maximise my output and thus the potential.

Thing is, we get one life and I want to live it up and do it all (this probably explains my interest in multiple things). I refuse to be a mere bystander. And I obviously refuse to be a part of the rat race.

***

So, in this post (after a mile-long introduction), I wish to talk about how I choose things that I work on. Or like I say, the method in my madness. I write this for my team, my partners, people I want to work with.

Ok. So every project I pick HAS to fall in one of the following buckets.

Reputation
Growth
Network
Money

A good idea is something that falls in any of the above buckets. For example, xtyres would’ve helped me make money. Or for that matter, my personal blog helps me get better (as a writer at least).

A great idea is something that is at the intersection of two buckets. Say speakers network. It would’ve made me money and it would’ve created a network of connections for me.

And an awesome idea is that checks more than 3 boxes. For example, Open Office Hours. Apart from making money, it would do everything else. I get access to interesting people, I learn new things and I create a network!

#note2self: May be work on only those ideas that check 2 3 or more?

Each idea that I work on (on have tried to work on in the past), you WILL be able to trace back its origins to one of these buckets.

I know that one big red flag is that there is no one theme or discipline to this (theme as in teaching, AI, tech, fashion, entertainment, marketing etc.). And probably that is where the problem is. More on this in a bit.

Oh, these buckets are as of today. In the past I had few more buckets. Such as:

Things that I enjoy
Things that give me that rush

And these buckets remain in flux. Like they say, change is the only constant. I tweak these buckets often.

For example, once I realised that rather than chasing rush, I ought to look at things from a longterm lens, I dropped the rush piece. So, I refuse to work on a project that could, say, kill me in exchange of that split-second excitement. No more fast cars for me ;P

Second example, I know that once I reach my billion, I will remove the money bucket. Because money will stop being important at that point. I will probably add the Impact bucket because I would have what it takes to create impact.

In fact, I am really tempted to add a Community bucket as the fifth variable. But I am on the fence. May be I will in a few months.

#sideNote. I am reading about OKRs from Doerr’s book and I really think its a powerful goal setting and tracking system. I will revisit this post once I’ve created my OKRs.

There is more. But for the time being, there are these 4 things. Lemme elaborate each.

A. Reputation.

So reputation is easy to speak about. It’s the sum total of beliefs, opinions, understanding, hearsay, reviews, references etc in other people’s heads, about you!

For example, what is the first word that comes to your head when you think of me?

Flaky, in that friend’s case.

Reliable, for Vanita.

Contrarian, for Vivek.

Loser, for sgMS.

Dreamer, for rr.

Romantic, for self.

So my reputation is different for different people. And that to be honest is a challenge.

A great reputation is when what others think of you is largely consistent. Is in the same zone.

In an ideal scenario, when I walk in a room, the person on the other side of the table must know that I am Saurabh and I am someone that will do what he’s promised and will makes things happen. That! That is the reputation that I wish to create for myself. Someone that enables and makes things happen. And enabler of what? Ideas, dreams, things, projects, dreams, lives. Get the drift?

So, if a project nudges my reputation in the direction, I am on board.

Stay with me.

Lemme add one more dimension to reputation.
I think reputation allows you to open doors that are otherwise closed to you. Example? If a big foreign brand wants to come to India, between a Tata and a Dhoot, who would they pick? That!

If you are stuck in a different country and you see a brand from India that you know is reputed, will you consume that? Or will you consume an unknown?

And of course its a double-edged sword. A bad reputation is a larger liability than a good reputation is an asset.

Reputations as they say takes 5 decades to make and 5 seconds to break. Each project I take up, each thing I do, HAS to be a step in the 5-decade long journey. I am no Tata but I need to work hard to be there!

Third dimension to reputation.
It has another general meaning. That of someone who is trustworthy, reliable, honest, authentic, genuine etc. And while I care about these traits in general, I don’t give two hoots to these when I create projects.

And why not?

Most of us have this internal bullshit meter that tells us if what we hear is worth our time. Or do we must ignore it. When I meet people, if they think I am full of shit, I will never make any inroads with them. That’s the reputation that they have of me. I cant change it. And in the world full of a million opinions and a billion thoughts, why bother? Better invest time in moving on and onward. Unless…

Unless they are the people you work with, want to work with. With those people you ought to work hard, cultivate it and take it from there.

So, it is important to be cognisant of reputation. I’ve sucked at this but I am improving. The journey of the 5 decades starts today. I will protect my reputation as if its the Princess Peach.

To summarise, if a project moves forward my reputation as a doer and an enabler, I am onboard.

Oh, and no, do NOT confuse reputation with fame. Fame to me is one of those things that drag you down. Really. More on this someday.

B. Growth.

I love nothing more than the ability to learn new things and grow. If there is one thing that I can pick up in life, as a common thread that has served me well, I’d pick growth.

In fact most things that I’ve started are driven by this one tenet. Here is a small list of projects that I am on.

This blog? Helps me write better.

Office hours? Makes me aware of interesting things and people.

Podium. Teach me more about events business.

OnWriting. Make me a better writer.

I can give more examples. But I guess you get the drift. Learning new things is the secret sauce.

So, what is growth for me?
Growth is when I learn new things, practise a skill, make myself better, pick brains, explore etc. Anything that helps me evolve, that keeps me engaged, that helps me push my limits, my boundaries, my brains.

Why is this important to me?
Because I am not naturally talented (or as they say, gifted) in anything! I mean I am no singer, dancer, actor, speaker, writer, painter. Neither am I blessed with looks that allows me to get by life easily. And I don’t have a rich or famous lineage. And all these factors mean that if I have to have a good life (and give back and make the world a better place and make a dent etc), I need to work hard. And smart.

Put hard and smart together and you automatically become someone that is like an information (or knowledge, if you will) sponge. You work hard to learn things. You use smartness to figure out the bits to persist with and what bits to let go. And you find your way around life.

I can give examples.

a, I am not a naturally gifted writer. But I think with constant practise (been writing this blog for 14 years now), I have been able to reach a point where what I write can open doors.

And I know doors open! I have made umpteen friends thanks to this blog. The book happened because of the blog and the book is like a visiting card for me.

b, My bills are paid by C4E. And no, I don’t have any formal education in the events business. It just that I learnt things while I was at Gravity. I mean when I joined them way back in 2010, I could either choose to remain in the limbo, do my job and get back home. Or I could learn everything about the business. I did the latter and along with a host of other factors, the hunger to learn has helped me create a business that pays my bills!

Staying with C4E, my biggest challenge is to grow the business. I don’t know how to do it. And I will learn what it takes to crack new business. May be in 5 years, I will look back at 2018 and I’d say that because I learnt how to create new business opportunities back in 2018, I could do all I’ve wanted to!

Thing is, if I stop learning or stop growing, I’d better die and not waste resources. Life may be meaningless (a friend recently compared life with Sisyphus climb up the hill) but I think the meaning lies in being in the present and helping others.

Bottomline. If a project promises to make me better, I am on board. Tell me of the new things that I will learn. Tell me of the doors that the thing would open!

PS: You may argue that you learn more and more about one thing only and grow so much in that one discipline that you are THE expert for that (thanks @oddtazz for the idea). Its such a great idea! Just that its not for me. Remember I said that I am the Jack of all trades? I don’t want to be the master.

Of course it has served well to others. Prof. Bakshi is an example. He put consistent time and effort on mastering the art of value investing and today, he is a worldwide authority. Something that has allowed him to create immense wealth. And impact. And he continues to inspires others (near and far). That’s an amazing life to have. But…

But, its not for me.

Hello, Jack!

To summarise, if by doing a project I get to grow, learn more, #bebetter, I am in!

C. Network

Network has few definitions.

One.
Network means knowing people well enough that they are willing to back you up, stand by you, become your advocates. This ensures that doors open for you, opportunities present themselves to you, your reputation grows, you make money, you get closer to impact etc.

Example? If Rahul Yadav wants to start a new company, he can find a million investors to back him up. And he can get together a team that he wants!

Two.
Network also means reducing the degrees of separation from 6. To, say, 3. Why would you want to do this? So that you can act with speed. After all closer you are to the decision maker, better it is for you! Rather than wasting time on needless formalities and bureaucracy, you focus on getting things done.

Example. If I want to make movies, the ability to find a way to reach an Amitabh Bachchan goes up by a million if I am renowned author. Balki?

Three.
Network also means meaningful connections with people that may or may not result in direct business. But something that allows you to grow (see B above). Something that allows you to unwind after a hard day!

Example. If I knew the heads of marketing for large consumer companies, I could pick more insights and ideas and that would allow me to find more revenue streams from C4E.

Four.
Network also means the ability to connect dots and make things happen. You have an idea? You need a designer? A marketer? A coder? Lemme put all these together and get things done for you. That. Network. Powerful. Enable. Get things done.

Example. I’ve been struggling to find an alternate revenue stream for myself. If I could connect with more people and get them to do things for me, I could be faster. And I could actually ship!

Now that the definitions are out of the way, lemme get into the specifics.

So, one of those things that I am sore about in life is my inability to forge deep connections that typically help you get ahead (not just in terms of business but in terms of personal growth). I suck at it so bad that even a banyan tree can beat me in the race. Gary is faster than me! The other day I was lamenting that if I were to die tomorrow, the only two people I would to know about it are my sis and VG.

However, whatever little I have, has came to me because I had people helping me. Without expecting anything in exchange. The standing on shoulders of giants maxim is truer in my case than anyone else’s.

Oh and like other things in the Universe, Pareto works here. I can trace back all good things in my life to just about 5 people.

Now imagine that instead of 5 people who care for me, I had about 150 (do read about Dunbar’s), my life would probably be infinite times better.

Probably yes! You know? The law of numbers, probability and luck? That!

So, greater, stronger, better the network, better for you!

My favorite example?
One of the clients of one of my previous employers is a family business (worth at least a billion dollars). Their heir is about 19 and lives in London. And goes to school with the Prince of an African Kingdom and an upcoming actor who’s already got a few hits under his belt. Imagine the network (and thus influence and reach) in the next 15 years when he’s my current age! Add onto the fact that he has a billion-dollar pedestal that he’s standing on already!

This also reminds me of one of the projects that I created but couldn’t take it to fruition. I called it the Mastermind Group. The idea was to get 10 super smart people in a room and spend time bouncing around ideas. And the 10 people that we choose as part of the group had to have the potential of being one of the most 100 influential people in the world in 20 years! It was a fucking audacious vision. To see it to fruition, we had to be incredibly smart, persistent, lucky and all that.

And you know, I was ok if they threw me out of the group. The intent was to learn as much as I could in whatever time I got to spend with them.

And we failed. In terms of the lifecycle, the project was incomplete. Abandoned. But I did make a few friends and they remain the most trusted advisors till date!

You see an example of how trying to create network allows me to get lucky? Aim for the moon and land in the stars?

Of course I could not choose my parents either (ovarian lottery and all that). And I could not choose my network when I was younger. Heck I did not know that I ought to choose my network! If I knew, I would’ve done it.

But now, now that I know, I am conscious about what I do. I try and create a network with interesting people. Or with people that I think can be interesting. Bird in hand. And in the bush!

Of course this is constrained by understanding of life and people and all that. You will probably have a different lens and a different method to evaluate things. Point is, there is no denying the importance of the network.

Oh, you know Chris Sacca? He’s a product of genius and network. Closer home, I think Zishaan is pure network. You get the drift?

Of course I need to know how to cultivate the network. End of the day everything is a transaction and is selfish (think about it – you help others because you either get something back or it makes you happy or you are merely discharging your duties). So, network is as hard work as anything else is! I suck at it but I am learning. Do share tips and advice 🙂

Oh, sticking to advice, here’s some unsolicited advice. You need to start creating a network. Now. You spent the last 5 minutes reading this. That’s 5 minutes where you did not work towards creating your network. It’s that important! Why am I writing this? Because I want me team, my partners, my friends, supporters to know what they’re getting into when they choose to work with me. And I am writing this for other interesting people that may want to talk to me. And thus, trying to help my network!

So, to summarise, if a project allows me to know more interesting people, I am in. Even if its failed, doomed from the start, I am willing to invest my time, energy and resources to get to know more people. After all, people create magic!

D. Money

Of course.

If I said I am not driven by money, I’d be lying. I know money can’t buy happiness but not having money can make you unhappy. Plus money allows you to live in comfort AND work in comfort. And on top of everything, the important bit is that money allows to make bets that can take you closer to your life goals!

And why is money important to me?
In absence of any rational or measurable metric, I believe that the amount of money I make is the direct reflection of the impact I am having with your work.

I mean think of the top 5 people who’s made a dent in the world. And then figure out the amount of money they’ve made. Do you see a relationship?

Oh, and please don’t give me names like Mother Teresa etc. She probably made the ding in her own way but did she did it with just altruism? She needed the money and a lot of people would’ve supported her. Even the greats like Leonardo and Picasso and all that needed patrons. No?

I don’t want to waste more bits and bytes on importance of money. Let’s just assume its important.

So, if there are projects where I can make money, I want in. Unlike VCs, I don’t look for 10x returns on all my investments. Ideally, some of them have to return 10x, some of course would go bust. But a majority has to just break even. That’s it.

#note2self. Is this one of the reasons my projects go bust? Because there is no financial viability to those? Need to think.

***

So yeah! This is method in madness. Like I said, this is the broad framework and not the specifics. I know that these do not belong to a theme per se. I know that scatterbrains have infinitely tiny odds of success. But this is it!

Hope you understand me a tad better. You may or may not agree with these but these are the heuristics that work for me and unless I see some very compelling evidence, I am not sure I want to change.

Finally, this ~~could be~~ is a selfish way to look at things. But that’s ok. I am not taking anything that is not rightfully mine. I am choosing to live my life in a certain way and I am ok if I miss out on a few things. That is what makes life worth living. No?

In the end,
At the cost of being repetitive, these are the things that drive me and make me want to do things. You may or may not agree with these. But this is the best I can do to explain my thoughts and deeds. If you are in alignment, lets come together and do some crazy shit. There are mountains to climb, ~~money~~ wealth to be made, and people to be inspired and impacted. And time is short. Lets do this!

Why else are we here?

Footnote
While I wrote what makes me pick things, I want to write about what makes me drop ideas / projects mid way. What makes me “bored” and lose interest.

A long post will happen at some point in time, but right now, here is a bulleted list.

I get bored. And when do I get bored? When I start sensing that none of those 4 is happening. Give me constant excitement and I am your slave.
The project reaches a point where I know I’ve hit the roadblock and unless I get a large external stimulus, it wont move ahead. I know I cant give up like that. I do try to get that shot in the arm. If I need more resources than what I can gather, I leave it to explore new things. I know its unfair (to the idea, more than the people) but such is life. Old has to make way for the new!
The project reaches a point where its not a challenge anymore. Like for example, I’ve always been fascinated by a Rubik’s. The day I realised that solving it requires you to merely practise 7 odd movements, I lost interest. And yes, I did learn those 7 steps.
People I work with lose interest. I am the kinds to feed and survive on the energy of others. So the partners that I work with, if they lose interest and are reluctant to play the role that we decided they’d play, I tend to lose it. And since I am too “gentle” and too “human” in how I deal and I avoid “conflict”, I let things slack. But lately, I’ve realized that every time I’ve been rude, things have moved fast! So I need to think on this. #note2self.
And finally, if during the course of the project, the reasons that I started it for changes, I drop it. For example, the opportunity is no longer around, we are too late to make money or impact etc. etc.
Oh, one more thing. I used to a perfectionist and that made me abandon a lot of things. Now I believe in shipping. Or as MM says, done is better than perfect! So this should get fixed.

Oh and having said all these things, things that I need to work hard on are

People skills
Persistence
Finishing

And finally, here are a few things for you to think on.

Whatever you do, does that help you grow as an individual?
What would you epitaph say when you die?
What is the first word that you think people have for you? Is the word consistent? In the same zone?

That’s about it. Thank you for the patience. You’ve just read 4800 words!

If you read this till the end, do let me know what you think and how can I improve. Oh, and the coffee / beer is on me.

PS: Thanks to SG2 for the inputs on this post. She said that maybe this could be positioned as a guideline of the values and systems that defines me and makes me tick. Because if you share values, other things fall in place. So this could be the set of values that I define myself with and if you do too, we can potentially create a long-lasting and effective partnership.

The Monday Diary

So its been about 10 days since I published something here. And its been about 20 days since I made a meaningful post. And the “silence” is deafening. So much so that I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

Anyhow. Fuck the poetic shite.

So I have been thinking about the next book for last few days. Thing is, every once in a while someone asks me about the next one and I dont have an answer. Plus I am often at airports (like I was at one yesterday and spotted Sachin‘s), malls and other such places and I invariably drift towards a book shop and when I see shelves and shelves of books, stacked end up high and people leafing through them and all that, I give in to the weakness and start to pine for the rare, vain and frivolous notion of seeing my name on the bestseller list. While #tnks received generally good reviews, it did not put me on any list. Except it allowed me to tick off a thing from my bucket list.

I really need to give this a shot. I remember I had promised myself that I will write 5 books before I hang my ~~boots~~ pencils. And I’ve done just one. Need to do more. 4 more at least.

Lemme take a diversion. To avoid some heartburn. To something that’s been occupying my head lately. C4E. The day AND night job. Something that I know can make me ~~money~~ wealth. Something that is right at the intersection of all things that I love. Something that I ~~think~~ believe is my life’s purpose.

While what we do is supposed to entertain the world and all that, most days are drab. Not drab as in they are drab for bank-tellers (with all due respect) but drab as things take time to move. And there is movement after days, if not months.

Today was one such day. I got early drafts of a website that we are working on. And I was amazed at the range of emotions that came up when I saw just a computer image of the website. Mind you. Just a photo. Its not a website. Its not a MVP. It does not work at all. And its months away from any revenue or impact. But its a step in the direction.

And not just that one website, I saw a few more things come to fruition. I got the first set of prints for the Art Project (where we wish to empower other artists) in my hand. And they look gorgeous. The short film that I had to work on came out. And they look gorgeous btw. The short film seems to be on track. Little-by-little, step-by-step, brick-by-brick, things that I have envisioned seem to be coming to life. And all these on shoestring budget and just a handful of people. If someone could give me a lever large enough, I could fucking move the Earth! But then, why would someone fund me? They would do it for the money and I cant promise any returns. Hello, reality!

Time for a diversion yet again. The point is, it was a good day. Need to have more of these. The only sad part is that I did not create anything new. If I could change that, I can continue to live the rest of my life exactly like this.

Until next time, over and out.

This close…

If I’ve ever come close to giving up on the dreams of making it big and working towards the bigness, this is it.

I am this close, as close as it gets to giving up. So much so that I want to pack my bags and leave. To a place where no one knows me and I dont know anyone. Just pack the damn bags and head to a new place, to a new life and restart the goddamn life. Agreed that at 35 I am too old to do this kinda shit but I don’t see a way out. I mean don’t even see that light at the end of the tunnel.

I know no one else imposed this life on me. I chose this for myself. I made this life. Whatever I have, whatever I dont, all of it is a direct outcome of choices I’ve made. I can of course cry that I did not get the opportunities that others got. I can whine about the non-existent silver spoon in my mouth. But will the rant matter? No!

All I know is that this is not the life I signed up for (but I probably ~~deserved~~ earned). I need to find the reset button. Or may be, the giveup button. Whatever it is. Need to find it. And hit it.

Post-Bangalore post-mortem post

I am just back from Bangalore. I was there for putting up a show for a client at Excon 2017 and since its a 7-day exhibition, I thought that I will do a million things while I am in Bangalore. The top few included…

meeting friends and almost friends
making new friends
exploring the city
click some pics
work with a friend on a book
work on my next book
eat properly and get fitter

And so on and so forth.

Guess how many of these did I do?

ZERO!

And why did I do nothing while I was there? No, time is not the culprit. After 7:30 / 8 most days, I had the rest of the evening and night to myself. And the reporting time the next day was at 8. And since I was leading the tram, I could actually come in by 9. So I had 12 hours each day to do all the things that I’ve listed above. But I could not.

Here’s a list of reasons.

1. Bad planning.

For starters, I was put up in a hotel that was in the middle of nowhere (about 20 KMs away from Bangalore). And most people I had to meet were reluctant to travel all the way.

Two things from this.

A, become so good, so valuable that people are willing to go through large quantums (quantum but added an s for effect) of trouble to get a sliver of time from you.
B, Plan well. For example, when you know that you are in a city that you know is notorious for traffic, try to be at a place that is accessible.

2. Energy.

By the time I spent 12 hours at the exhibition, I was so sapped that all I could do is sleep. And snore. And then drag yourself to work the next day.

Can this be fixed? Yes. I can work on my health and ensure that if I am up, I am full of energy. Most times I am but lot of times I am not. And I need to fix it. Health HAS to be the number 1 goal #in2018.

3. Team.

I am in the process of creating a team, a set of people that are aligned to the purpose that we as a group are supposed to serve. And deliver. That of entertaining the world in such amazing manner that it inspires others.

Now, to do so, I don’t need people who work for a salary. I don’t need people that stick on a list of holidays on their whiteboards. I need marshals that are aligned to the mission. And if not aligned well to the mission, then at least a part of their personal missions has to get delivered if they work with me and others.

Right now I have a few people that I think are in the zone. I need more. Are you the kinds? Help me. I am on 9819981337 / saurabh.garg@gmail.com.

4. My working style.

I get super emotional about my work. I want everything to work with clockwork precision. I want robots that stand as long as it is required. I want machines to not overheat, to remain intact, to perform to the capacity and never burn out.

While its possible most times, I know its tough to expect this all the time. After all there is a huge element of technology and people dependence. While you take every care to ensure that things don’t go wrong (get the best crew, get the best material etc etc) there are times when you cant control things.

And when things go out of control, I get unnecessarily harsh at people. I am rude to the point that I am amazed at myself. Reminds of that experiment where they made ordinary people cruel by giving them a role of a jailer.

At this exhibition, I was the jailer and because I thought people were slacking, I fought with no less than 10 people. This included my team, my outsourced staff, other agencies that were working there and other people at random. I continue to believe that I was right in fucking their happiness but may be I was wrong. After all 10 people cant be wrong. No? Whatever it was, I know it has to change. I need to work on it or I will not reach anywhere.

The event otherwise as perfect. Apart from one time when the band was to play and the mics’ cable came out loose. Of course we checked it right before the show but if a cable has to come out, it will come out. Wish I could ensure that as well.

5. Raison d’être
So, why do we work? For love!

Why do I talk about this? At the exhibition, I repeatedly saw people work for money. And not for love. And to save money, I saw people do things that they would otherwise not do. And that’s not cool. I believe that money is important. But the mission has to be larger than just a hefty bank balance.

I am the kinds that is ok to lose money to deliver a great job. Of course for a client that gives me the freedom to do things. The idea is, we must be able to do great work and charge the money that will make us happy. And find clients that are willing to pay the kind of money we want, to allow us to do great work! Its a vicious circle but I am sure we can find an opening.

6. The silver lining

During the event, at one of the conversations that I had with the client (PV) on the side was about life purpose and all that. I realised that my life’s purpose is to entertain people and do it so well that I become an inspiration to others. And in the process, grow as a human being. And then use the money I’ve made to inspire others. Its still shorter than making a dent in the universe (like Steve) or trying to save the humanity (like Elon) but its something larger than myself. And worth chasing.

See this slide (from my companies’ creds deck).

C4E‘s masterplan

I just need to work on it.

7. Exit stage left

When the thing ended, I was out of there in 5 minutes. I did not say my good byes. I did not hang out to chill with the team. I did not want to get a group pic clicked (but I had to). I dint go out to grab a beer or something. DS tells me that its not cool. And I agree.

But the thing is, I hate to say goodbye.

And then there is post-event depression that hits you so hard that you don’t know what happened. DS said it best when he said that a minute before the show ends, you are the master and you control lives and times of the crew and the event. And right after the event is over, you are nobody. It sucks. Thing is, I get super emotional about what I do. SC says that once an event is over and you get into a flight (or a car), you move on. To the next event. Or the next thing. Like, I shouldn’t be writing this post but focusing on what will the next one be like.

And third, I feel that once I have delivered what I was supposed to deliver, I can take off and die in my misery of an event getting over. Or I can go and sleep. Or do whatever. I am no longer on the client’s clock.

***

Now it has happened. I cant undo it. But I can take lessons. And these are things that I will do – no matter what.

Figure out a minute to minute plan of my time. If not a minute by minute, an hour by hour for sure. I will start doing this from the next trip (that starts tonight).
Get anal about how and where I spend my time. And try to earn time. How do I do that? By putting in place processes that save me time. By getting people who can do things that save me time.
Try to detach emotions from work. I am not sure if I want to do this. But lets see how it happens.

In all, this trip was a clear case of setting expectations too high. Going forward, I need to lower down the expectations and then try to exceed those. Or may be not. One life. If you don’t hustle hard enough, why are you alive?

That’s about it. Until next time, over and out.

P.S.: Here are some pics from the exhibition. Do give feedback.

The Umbilical Cord

Yesterday I was in Delhi and I had to give my passport to people at Gravity (they have a show coming up in Budapest and since I havent been to Budapest, I am keen on going). I could have sent it via a runner but then I decided to drop by. Half expecting A and S to be around – the two guys who’ve taught me the events business (and the skills I use to run C4E). If not for them, I would not know what is this events management business and wont have all the travel that I get to do or make whatever money I get to make. In one line, my life would suck so bad without them.

While I was at Gravity, I traveled far and wide, I stayed up for days to put up shows, I did things that I did not like with people that weren’t worthy of my time, I have cried, I have laughed and I have partied. I have learnt all that I know from that place. In fact I think I am a minor version of the guy who runs that place. I think like him, I talk like him, I am elitist at times like him. I make the same mistakes. Hell, I want the same car as him!

It’s at Gravity that the idea of entertaining others struck home. I started realising that purpose of my life could be entertainment. I started thinking of writing while I was bored during the slow part of the season. And while I worked, I got exposed to so much that the scatter brain in me got ever more scattier. It fuelled my appetite for knowing more things – even if I were merely scratching the surface. This was the second time (after CLA) when I felt alive. At CLA, it was sheer brilliance of people around me. And at Gravity, it was the breadth of exposure I got.

So, when I left them to start 5×5 and work on #tnks, I started feeling this void. At least in my head. It was like the Stockholm Syndrome I think. I missed the unpredictability, the petty issues that you face while working, and other such things. I was like that junkie that needed a shot in the arm every once in a while. At first I would merely twitch at the separation. Then it started hurting in the head. I felt as if I were lost. But then, like all other things, I came around. I got settled in the routine at Mumbai. The book happened. SWI, C4E happened and I thought I had moved on.

Till I spoke to them a few weeks ago. I was putting up an event and I needed some help. I spoke to S and all the memories came rushing back. It was like meeting a lover after a gap of few years and you rekindle memories of the good time and bad times? And like lovers meeting after a long time, we had so much to catch up on. Slowly we started talking more and before I knew, the relationship was back. To the extent that I felt strangely attracted to the beautiful mess that that place is. On top of this, at the back of my head, I’ve always known that I belonged there. It was home. I could go back anytime I wanted to and they would accept me with open arms.

Back to the visit last night. So I went and I was meeting A and S after months (dont even recall when I saw them last). As I walked into their office, I was literally shaking. I could not speak for the first 5 minutes. When A asked me how were things with me, I had no clue about how to respond. I dont know if it was adrenaline or something else. But I could not speak. For someone who’s been given the gift of gab (well, almost), I was short of words. I was not short. I knew what to say. I had the thoughts and the words but I could not blurt em out. I guess thats what they say when they say you’ve been struck by lightening. Think of the time when you met the love of your life for the first time. Or, you see that you’ve won that award that you’ve been dying for! Or you hit the lottery. Or any of those things.

And while all this was happening, like a thunderbolt. I realised that the place is not the same that I left. I no longer belong there. I am welcome and there are people and memories and all that. But I dont belong there. The umbilical cord has snapped. Now I know what they mean by moving on. I’ve moved on – a first for me. So, while I care, I am no longer emotionally attached to them. Or to the place. Oh, and apart from the guys who led the business, the entire team was amazing (at least the initial set of people I worked with were). With time, people came and people went and the camaraderie, sort of, seized to exist. I think the place did not have or foster a “culture”, if you will, that makes people irreplaceable. Ok, am getting off topic now.

The point is, if you know me well, you would know that I have hard time getting over things. So, this is like a big deal! Big enough to merit a long, ranty post.

This feeling of not being tethered to a place is new to me. I do not know how to react. So, I spoke to a couple of people that were around when I was there. Both echoed the same sentiments. The place aint no same no more. And both agreed that they have fond memories of the time we spent there, they too are done with it.

So yeah. The cord, is gone. Here I am, on my own. Wish me luck.

Untitled – 8 Dec 2016

So last night, after a long day (where I did not do much to be honest – most of the time was spent in meetings) I was in this super ranty mood. Thankfully, I did not crib much and went to read after posting just one tweet.

For the context, over the last few days I have been putting in super long hours at work. And couple that with my sickness and stupid visits to the doctor at all hours, I am exhausted. So exhausted that there is this small voice in my head that is asking me to let go. It is telling me that I can put all the dreams on a side and go work for a regular company, draw a fat salary and then whatever time I have left after the enforced slavery, I invest that into things that I want to pick up – travel, poker, guitar, fitness, pool and so on and so forth. Impact, individuality, creativity, ego, meaning and everything that I have stood for could go to hell and burn. Burn till even the ashes are burnt. Without leaving a trace of the original Saurabh Garg. I mean how bad could it be to walk around in formal clothes all the time with an identity card dangling from the pocket of that boring shirt you are wearing, while walking to the nearest Starbucks with your colleagues, everyone faking laughter over inane jokes that you would otherwise cringe at? Plus little things will be taken care of – things like coffee machine, AC, stationary, credit cards, home loans. And then I am told you get to enforce your ego on people who report to you and then there is this promise of hunger games. Plus there is some travel once in a while to all those fancy places and the best part? You dont travel like a pauper – you are actually put in a nice hotel and you are not that budget traveller holding on to every rupee (thinking twice before buying that Frappuccino because you can use that money to buy the admission ticket to a museum), ogling at airline lounges with a longing that should be reserved for a lover and most importantly, spend time taking selfies rather than gathering experiences – after all those selfies will get likes on Facebook and make your colleagues jealous and become water-cooler conversations! No?

But then, there is this another voice in my head. Smaller than the one I that wants me to go wear that uniform. This voice tells me that I have a gift. From God, from Providence, from Universe, from that thing that controls all the shit that happens around us, from that random walk of atoms or may be from the randomness around us. The gift of education, a supportive family, an environment that allows me to think, an opinion and the balls and the ability to voice the opinion. Out of 7 billion of us, dont think more than a handful are like that. And its such a crime to not do so when you’ve won the ovarian lottery.

Thing is, work fills such a large part of life that it sucks to not make meaning with what I do. I just hope that someday all these 16-17 hour days that I am putting in, they count for something in the end. I dont know what is the end. And I dont know what I mean when I say I hope they count. May be its the money I’d make – to be able to buy a star. Or may be its the impact – that I can help impact a billion lives. And I dont know when that would happen. I just want to know that all this is not worthless. I am not a mere cog in the wheel. I am not insignificant. May be it will. May be it will not. I wish I could say I dont care. But I am human. With my ups and downs and last few days have been a string of downs. I need to see a freaking light. Come on, Universe, show me a sign. Please. Your favorite child is imploring!

The year gone by has been very tough and I have slogged really hard. Harder than I have worked in all my life put together. I have made mistakes and I am definitely better than what I was this time last year. They have to add up. They have to stand for something. And the funny thing is, I dont see that happening. May be it will. Hopefully sooner than later. And then, that day, I’d look back to this blogpost and laugh it away.

Some day. Inshallah.

Till then…