Why am I #foreverAlone?

Been meaning to write this post for almost more than a week. As I write this, I am at an empty office, not wanting to go home (because there’s nothing to do at home) and finding excuses to delay the inevitable. So, here it goes. 
Disclaimer: This is probably one of the most depressing posts that I’ve written in a while ever. A HUGE huge crib alert. PLEASE read at own peril. Graphic content ahead. Extremely personal. Judge me if you will but this is me. My truest thoughts and feelings. In black and white. Of course, I will try to cover up this post with an extremely cheerful one (to maintain balance – if nothing else). But before that I need to pour my heart out. And I don’t have anyone else to share with but the pseudo-anonymity of this blog. 

Last Monday, I was in Bangalore (because I was transporting a car) and I was super excited to meet some really good friends. I also had made plans of meeting up with some fans of #tnks (yes! there are some). 
And for a change, there were no hiccups and I did all that I had planned.

In fact, I loved the day I spent at Bangalore. I am beginning to think of Bangalore as my secret love affair (the way Delhi is my identity and Mumbai is my life). So, the weather was perfect. I did not get stuck in traffic. The credit card worked, the free wi-fi was fast, I wore shorts all day long. Etc. Etc.

Started the day by spending the first few hours at a Starbucks, working. Then lunched with a really really dear friend – met her after ages. Followed by a coffee at a fancy hotel with a reader. And then the evening snack with a fan at one of the most famous watering holes in Bangalore. I even played a game of pool, that I lost terribly (I need to pick up the cue all over again and get back to the game).

After the game when the beer started flowing, things went out of control. I had one drink too many.

If you know me, you would know how much I loathe people who consume alcohol beyond their limits. And I did that. And like all drunkards, I puked all over the place. I detested it but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Thankfully I had enough sense to not spew on my clothes or at the houses of others. It’s a miracle how I took an Uber, a flight and eventually a rick to reach home. The next 4 days that followed, were nightmarish.

They’ve been so bad and so gloomy that I want to hide under a thick quilt and not emerge out of it. And I hate it when I am like that. I do everything it takes to not go down that lane. 

Brings me to the first resolve of this post. I will not consume indulge alcohol ever again. In any shape or format. 
Continuing. 
So while I drove the 1000 KMs to Bangalore and when afterwards I was sick of all the alcohol, a few realisations happened. I mean what else do you do when you are unwell? All you are left capable to do is puke, make attempts at eating (and vomiting out whatever little you’ve eaten) and ruminate about the days gone by, trying to relive the good times and creating the fantasy world where all is hunky dory? May be this is why most great poets, authors have / had a problem with alcohol?
Well, I don’t know about them but when I was down and out, I did not get any interesting plots or conversations or brain waves. Like I said, all I got was self-pity, self-loathing and the urge to dig a hole, hide deep in it, close the entry with an immovable rock, shovel it with some snow and grow a huge banyan tree over it. And stay shut in it. Forever. 
Not one thought was a happy one. In fact I think the gloomy mood of the last few days has been induced by alcohol and all these sad thoughts. May be it’s a feedback loop. Whatever it is, I have to confront it. I need to pour it out. Can’t keep in my system. 

One of things I realised was, I’ve left just too many open windows. And I’ve never been the kinds to leave so many of these open. It sucks to know that you agreed to help someone and then you did not get back to them or deliver. I know how it feels when something you count on does not pan out. I dont want to be to the source of someone’s disappointment. I really need to apologise to everyone. If you are reading this and I haven’t got back to you, I apologise.

Of course you judge people on the basis of their actions (not words). Thus, the second promise to myself. I need to learn to say no. Even if that makes me less likeable. I havent had a foggiest clue as to why I have this thing where I want to be liked by people?

Dont know. Moving on. 

The next thing that makes me miserable is this thing about constant comparison with others. I know I have achieved less than others (self-pity alert) and you know what? I love to flaunt it! I mean I have reduced this to an extent but I am yet to stop. And honestly, I can’t seem to stop it.

In fact, as I write this, there is this thought in my head that people younger than me, people who more troubles than me, people who seem to be on their own, say SamA, think deeply about things that could impact others. Then there are people like Lalit who’ve taken their passions and haven’t waited for any vindication before launching their careers! They just do. I just whine. Like a 6-year old. For no reason. sgMS is right. I am yet to see real life and if these simple things can break me, maybe I dont have any right to believe that I can change the world!

So, thing # 3. I need to stop comparing myself. And thing # 4, need to realise that there are bigger things than I. 

Next, like they say, when things go tough, tough gets going. Everyone around me is giving me a hard time for some reason. From my yoga teacher to my partner to my vendors to my clients to my team to my parents to my accountant to sgMS and even I myself am giving a hard time to me. And funny thing is, this is when I need people around me. I need a shoulder. I need support. When I dont have anything to look up to. I mean there is no unicorn happening. The book is delayed. There is no sight of the reason. There is no meaning. 
I could take shelter in work. But that too is stalled. Not stalled per se but needs solid intervention. I have so so so many things happening at work front. I desperately need to hire and I can’t find people. I know I cant pay well. I know I am not as inspiring as Steve. Or even Raj for that matter. And the vision that I have for what I do is very very utopian at best.
Apart from pulling up my socks when it comes to work, I need to up my game. And I am struggling with it. I talked about it last month as well. And even though its been more than 30 days since, I am still struggling. Need to end the struggle and get some real action. Real inspirational work. Real dent. 
But, I am aware enough to know that its super tough. And I know my limitations. I dont know how people do things by themselves – all those entrepreneurs, scientists, athletes etc. I dont know how those lone nuts pull through things. I need to either learn from them. Or I need a Warren. Or a Charlie. Even a Watson would do.

Thing is, most of my friends are merely marriages of convenience. I do not have any close friends – the kinds they write about in books and movies. And I know secretly crave for some. I really want to be a part of a cult, some gang, something where I belong. And the belonging goes more than just a tattoo on the right-hand sleeve. 

Not just the friendship bit, in general loneliness sucks. May be, just may be, I am ready for a relationship, a marriage (I know this is song for my parents’ ears).

But this feeling of loneliness is a one off thing that I get when I am unwell. So may be not. Do I want a relationship on the days that I am well? I dont know. I guess I am too old for anything meaningful. I mean I am 33 already. And if not there, then almost at the halfway mark. Why would I even bother. The way these years have gone by, the others will too. No? 

Brings me to that eternal debate, the never-ending thread that holds me hanging onto and wanting to let go of everything I do – What is the purpose? What is the meaning of all this? Why do we exist? What’s the reason? Any sages? Or do I go back to Guruji‘s wise words and assume that this too shall pass?
Anyone? 

P.S.: This post is not meant to be a piece of exaggeration. I really am sorry for have wasted a week of my life and a very very important one at that (I had a very important event that I missed). Unrelated, someone I know (a friend’s husband who has observed me from far) quipped that I am a high-functioning sociopath. May be I am. And may be that’s why sgMS went away. May be that’s why I dont have a Warren. May be that’s why I am #foreverAlone?


P.P.S.: No, I do not want your sympathy or attention. If you can read this with equanimity, thank you. If you can’t, please do not lend a shoulder or a glass.

Your first book!

In short, here’s an offer (that hopefully you can’t refuse). Hire me as your writing coach and I will ensure that your book is done in less than 6 months. Email me at saurabh.garg@gmail.com and we’d take it from there.

The longform.
Writing The Nidhi Kapoor Story was probably the toughest thing that I’ve ever done in life (may be except enduring 10 days at a Vipassana camp). And though it was not a sell-out per se, the fruits were as satisfying as any other. When I held the preview copies in my hand, I was literally in tears. And as luck would have it, Vivek had come over for some reason and helped me give the first copies to #sgMS and him. I am digressing. But thing is, writing a book is up there in terms of opening restaurants, traveling the world et al on the bucket lists.


And the experience is / was so superlative that I want to help others get to it. Its not that difficult. 

So here is an opportunity to work with me while you work on your book.

What can you expect?
I am not the best when it comes to grammar or literature. I am not even half good when it comes to plotting. But I know what I am great at – getting things done. Reliability. Ensuring that I meet the deadlines. Getting the thing out of the door.

I will use some of the tools that I use to manage two very small businesses. And trust me, the tools work. May be someday I will write a book about how to use project management tools to work on a creative project – like writing a book. May be not. The point is, I know how to get a book done and I want to help.

Actually it’s no rocket science. It all boils down to merely showing up. And on persistence. And writing the next word laying the next brick. That’s about it. More when we sit together to work on your book.

Please be warned that I can’t help you with the art (the story, storytelling etc) and I obviously can’t help you with craft (the language etc). But I can help you by nudging you in the direction. Think of me as a writing coach. If this is any assurance, three different authors have included my name in acknowledgements pages of their book(s). Of course they are being generous – I did not help them write their books per se. But I figure I must have done something to deserve the honour. How about you put my name in yours?

Is my time free? 
No it is not. You have to pay a one-time “donation” of Rs. 5000 for it. No, not to me. You need to give the money to your favorite charity. And share the receipt with me. If you can’t afford 5K, email me and let’s talk about it.

Why am I doing this? 
I want to giveback. Simple.

Deadline? 
No deadline. I am going to accept 5 authors / books. As soon as I get 5, I will close this. And then I shall see how it goes.

So that’s it! Help me help you. Help me grow as an author. And like Steve said,

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

So ladies and gents, the time we have is limited. Life is a wonderful gift and you never know when it’s going to get taken away from us. And thus we ought to live it up. We ought to do things. We ought to do them now.

The book can not wait. Let’s work on it. Now. 

The Transporter

I stumbled onto a new career opportunity today. It’s a mix of everything I love – people, roads, driving, travel, storytelling and more. It solves a very evident pain point – albeit for a small number of people. Here it is!


The service proposition
If you are moving cities / states and you have a car to ship, rather than sending it via train/truck/transport, allow me to drive it from Mumbai to your new home!

In other words, say you are moving from Mumbai to Delhi and you have a car in Mumbai that you want to take with you to Delhi, how about letting me drive the 1600 odd KMs?

Why am I doing this?
I love the roads. And I love to drive. My ideal holiday is a great clean car with great music that I can sing along with and a road that takes me away. Takes me away. Not take me to. Takes me away from where I am become I dont know where I want to be. And I wish the road never ends.

However, Earth is flat and the roads are limited after all. So what do you do? You keep on driving on the same routes. Till the dhabas become familiar, the various handymen that you find at pit-stops become friends, the monotony of the road sets in and you start the journey within. And so much more!

Lemme not ramble. The point is, if you have a car that needs transporting, I want to drive it to your new destination.

Who am I?
I am Saurabh. 33, M, Mumbai. Been driving since 2010 I think. In all these years I have had one accident (I know it doesnt inspire trust but I ought to be honest). Have driven, if not more, at least a lakh KMs (did the East-Delhi to Gurgaon and back routine for close to 3 years. That’s 100 KMs a day for 1000 days).

Apart from that I have driven in India and abroad. I’ve driven by myself and with others. I’ve made roadtrips as inane as Mumbai to Goa and back and as exciting as SF to Vegas. I’ve driven for 24 hours straight and I’ve been pissed off with just a 10-min commute. In all, I believe I am pretty ok driver and I want to make my passion my second third profession. My first is running AWSL and C4. Second is writing.

References available on request.

What do you get should you choose to hire me?

  • A guarantee that I will take care of your car as if it were my own. I will keep it clean, not stress the engine too much by overspeeding or using wrong gears. I will check the tyres at all stops and strive to keep the car in the same condition that I get in. 
  • Commitment on time. If I say that I will take, say 3 days to reach Delhi (ex-Mum), I will reach in three days! 



What do you pay?
You pay for the fuel and on-road incidentals (tolls etc).

And in some cases, a flight ticket from the city of drop to Mumbai. Of course this is negotiable. I am not doing this for money. In fact, in an ideal world, I ought to be paying for this!

Pros

  • Your car gets to feature on my Roadtrips thru India blog (which is non-existent right now).
  • The peace of mind that your car is being taken care of well.
  • An autographed copy of my book! Lol! 
  • Probably some saving on the transport costs.

Cons

  • Probably more time consuming than sending it via transport. Not sure though. 
  • May not be safe. Should there be an incident, you will have to bear the cost of repairs. Of course I will take every care while driving. 
  • I am not too much into cars. So I can’t really rattle names of the parts and do quick-fixes should there be a problem. But then Indian highways are full of mechanics that know a car better than even Henry Elon himself! 
That’s it. I can’t wait to get started. I am on saurabh.garg@gmail.com and / or @saurabh should you want to hire me! 
Thank you! 

The inconvenient truth…

…of being a self-employed dude trying to run a services business is… that it sucks. Running a business I mean.

Thing is, the days are really long. And short at the same time. Long because you start work at 7 in the morning and end at… well, you don’t end. Short because there is so much to do that at any given point in time you have 20 thing that require your attention as of yesterday. There is little room for being organised – everything is last minute, it’s a constant battle between cashflow that is running out fast and the plug of hope that every phone call brings along.

Of course I chose this life. I could’ve taken the easy path where a cushy job would allow me the luxuries of life and a weekend where I’d have a huge bankroll and I could take off to the Macaus and Singapores of the world to live it up. But then no, the stubborn me, the anti-establishment me, the dreamer in me refused to heed. And here I am. Struggling hard to make things happen.

May be I am doing this wrong. May be I should have taken the easy way. After all, I dont really have the skills that allow me to make easy money. I haven’t been blessed with looks or with a golden voice or the gift of the gab or a talent with design or writing. Or a last name that allows me to become a pastry chef or the confidence to be a food critic.

As she says, I am at best a fakir. And jugaad. And I need to use these two not-so-desirous things to get things that I want. But then it’s hard to do so when you are so dependant on others for work and for delivery. When the world around you has it super easy and when you question the fairness of it all.

I know I know. Life is unfair and while most days I take it in a stride, today, I cant. I think this is one of those where I could do with a drink. But since I dont, I guess I need a hug.

However…

The Sunday Shortage

So, the world needs more Sundays.

No no, the world doesn’t mean you and I that (who?) work in cushy corporate settings where workplaces are lined up with glass panels and the biggest worry is keeping the coffee warm hot in the centrally air-conditioned buildings. We have earned them. Both the hot coffee and the Sundays. We are entitled to them. And to Saturdays. And even more entitled to other occasions reasons for not walking into the jail office. Willingly.

World means the aam aadmi that slogs the ass off for 6 days on the trot, come sardi, garmi or barsaat. The person that keeps the office kitchen stacked with goodies, the air-con humming, the glass pane spic and span. The person that often travels almost 2 hours everyday to reach work, work for 12 hours and then take another 3 hours to reach back. And then get ready to go through the same rigmarole in less than 6 hours. Including sleep.

The Sunday I am talking about is the day when he can be a boss. The day when there’s nobody breathing down his neck. The day when he must get things done for this home, his house, his family. Fast. So that he can stretch and get lazy about things. And then take his family out to a place where they may indulge in simple pleasures of life. Places like the Juhu Chaupaatis, Marine Drives.

And since almost everyone is resting, recuperating, is at home, the city of dreams appear much less crowded, even liveable. When there’s hardly any traffic on the road and you can reach where you want to be in a jiffy. Life looks so simple, so manageable on Sundays that I wait for 6 days to get to a Sunday.

No, not to recuperate. I dont want to recuperate on a Sunday. I dont want to sleep late on a Saturday so that I can sleep till late on a Sunday. On a Sunday I want to be up and about as soon as I can. I want to live it up. I want to enjoy the calmness that prevails around me. I want to soak in the space that I dont get on other days. I want to be less rushed. I want to breathe – take a deep breath that I dont get on other days.

I want to team up with other romantics and dreamers like me and take off to the fantasy land that is made up of our respective ideas of right and wrong. Like, right now, as I write this, back of my head, I am thinking about utopian business where everyone is an owner and has the freedom to choose what they want to work on. I’d talk about it sometime later. Right now, rant is on Sundays. So, sundays are perfect to do things that you never thought you had the time for. For example, this blog. As worked has picked up, I have sort of ignored the only true companion that I’ve had since 2004 I think. Have been irregular this year, the year when my next book will hit the stores. Do buy it.

Coming back, on a Sunday, even time seems to slow down. Except the speed at which the Starbucks’ barista can whip up the coffee. Do you see the irony in my post here? May be you need a Sunday to think about it.

P.S.: Not happy about how this ends!

The Partying Predicament

Fact. I dont go to parties.

Why? I dont know what to do there. I dont drink. I dont enjoy crowded places. I dont have the balls to be able to strike conversation with strangers. Wait, I dont even wear shoes that allow me entry into most party places. If I am allowed entry, I can’t dance. As they say, I have two left feet.

But I do love music. But then I am too much of a Delhi guy. So my music better be Hindi. Or may be Punjabi. Which is often a problem in Mumbai. Too hip.

Funny because I am in the entertainment business and nothing like parties if you want to understand the entertainment business.

Why this post? I went to a party last night. And for a change I wore shoes. White one at that. Saboot here. And a party where I stayed till the end. Well, almost. And where I danced a bit. Whatever my two left feet could manage. The only step I know. The Bhangra one. Where you point a finger and move it up and down. Oh, you must check out those Bhangra Empire vids on Youtube.

Thankfully the first place we went to played some Hindi music. And Punjabi. The kinds I’ve grown up listening to. The like of Kawa Kawa, Kaala Chashma, Gori Naal Ishq Mita etc. Rarity in Mumbai if you ask me. But then Mumbai is one of those places that always had this harmonious coexistence of polar extremes – rich vs poor, celebration vs hardwork, house vs punjabi. You get the drift.

The point of the post is that while the DJ played some hindi remixes (of Kishore), I realised a few things. Here they are in. In no particular order.

  • I miss company. I miss people. I miss “my” people. My refers to people that are mine. Where I am on in their VIP / Favorites list on their phones. I miss things that I could do with friends. Places I could travel to with friends. Impromptu drives I could go on (Addendum: Need a car for that Mr. Garg). One look back at life I realise that I haven’t done too much. Most plans gets cancelled for some reason or the other. And I believe that busy is just another work for having things low on the priority list. So, I dont have too many “my” people. I have tons of connections that I could do things with. But I dont have too many people that I want to go back to. And the ones I have, they’re married, with kids and thus busy. And I am too old busy to make new friends. So, in all, it sucks. I think I belong but I dont. Anyhow. Big deal.
  • There is all sort of music in the world. The kinds I love. The kinds I want to groove to. The kinds that I play on loop all the time. Like the recent favorite – Aazadiyan. And then, and then ladies and gents, there is Kishore Da. You play a song by Kishore Da and you are teleported to a different zone like no other. Which is amazing. I wish I could see him perform live (which I know by experience is probably half as cool as recorded music). The closest I’d ever come is this.
  • The concept of shoes suck. I have no clue why they make the shoes mandatory to allow people at fancy places. What does it say about a person? Rather, what does it hide about a man? More on this some other day. 
  • The youth of the country (and not so youth) is MAD about partying. Both places I went to, I could see hundreds, if not thousands of kids, youths, oldies binging on alcohol, dancing and making merry. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the jubilations and fumes from other drunk people around them. Guess that’s the point of alcohol. Or maybe they faked things well. To someone like me (who wants to make people happy, give them joy and make money from these things), the realization was a cool one! 

What next? Well, next time I am invited to a party, I am going to say an emphatic no. Unless it is SUPER important to/for someone I know that I attend the party. As I move onward (and hopefully upward), I need to find sanity in life and make time for more important things – partying is definitely NOT a thing that I want written on my epitaph.


When is the next post? When? I dont know. Subscribe to the feeds 🙂

P.S.: Before last night, I can’t remember the last time I went to a party. May be a new year’s party in 2014. Yes, I am that old boring.

What makes us different?

Someone asked me, “what makes you different? After all, an event is an event is an event!”

True that!

An event is an event is an event. But then how you go about planning that event could set you apart. How you produce it, conduct it, manage it could be the difference. How you think of events in the first place could be the difference. The devil, as they say, lies in the detail.

And detail oriented we are! Obsessive at that. To a level of being fanatical about it. Every piece we do, every event we put together, every live experience we deliver will reflect our obsession for attention to detail. We are committed to get things right. The first time. Live entertainment doesn’t leave a lot to chance anyhow.

The other bit that we work really hard on, is to deliver the message that the business wants to communicate via that event. We have a deep understanding of branding and communications business. Rajesh and I have 30+ man-years of combined experience of working with some of the most prestigious brands in the country and we apply all that we’ve learnt so far.

And we continue to learn new things. In fact, both Rajesh and I are really passionate about technology, the chase of the new new thing and applying those things while delivering brand solutions. The world as we know it, is changing fast. And how. And unless we are nimble, curious, adaptable, we would perish. Don’t believe me? Ask Darwin.

So, the three things that make us different are:

  • Obsessive attention to detail and impeccable delivery.
  • Deep understanding of brands and years of experience of working on some of the largest, most trusted brands in the country.
  • Passion for technology and that constant urge to try out the new new thing while we work. 

We believe that if we continue to do these three thing well, the difference will eventually be evident in our work. It will take time and we in no tearing hurry.

Wait and watch!

P.S.: You can come be a part of the journey. I am at sg@c4e.in.

Originally posted here.

In 5 years

Someone I was interviewing today yesterday for C4E asked where I see it in 5 years.

I was bamboozled. I hadn’t thought of it. I am in my fools world and I am probably enjoying the ride (juggling three four balls in the air) so much that I hadn’t focused on the future with any one thing at all! This is probably why I need a board.

So when this guy asked me, I cooked up something on the spot. I rambled out whatever shit came into my head and if he had a bull-shit detector installed in his head, he would’ve seen right through me.

I said something like…

I want to be in the business of entertainment and I want to entertain EVERY person on the planet. That means 7+ billion people. And I want to be able to reach there in less than 10 years. In 5, I want to reach the whole of India, if not Asia.  

We will not be just an events management / live entertainment company, but will have multiple divisions catering to multiple facets of entertainment. This means we could be a movie production company, a TV channel, a content business or something like that. In terms of drawing parallels, we would be like a Marvel or a Disney of today. 

And while we do it, we will remain small. Tiny actually. May be we model ourselves on Berkshire Hathaway? May be we dont. That is not clear to me. But the thing that is clear is, that we would be a key player in the business of entertainment in the next 5 years. 

And how will I do it?

Now that I am thinking about it, I will establish C4E as an events business. Because despite the limited reach that a corporate events company has, the company will throw the much needed cash back at the business.

We will use that cash to seed other businesses that will reach larger audience. These could be startups, old wine in new bottles, fancy business models and what not. And I will also seed people and partnerships along the way. And with time work hard to make sure that these partnerships blossom as we go along.

Pretty simple! And of course we will make mistakes. Of course we will be wrong as we try. But then what is the point if we dont make mistakes and dont try?

And here’s the thing. Why dont you help us create an awesome business? I am on sg@c4e.in.

Untitled – May 14, 2016

Yet another in string of long-time-no-post zones (last post was 20+ days back). Need to write more and do more. More on the more bit in a bit. Wah wordplay ;P

So there are quite a few things I want to talk about in this post – after all been sometime since I posted. And beware, this will be a longish one. In case you want to read. Get a coffee maybe?

P.S.: If you do read these posts, please please do tell me. I need to know if you do. I am actually thinking of writing a monthly newsletter to people who care (and to people who I want to care for me). Let’s see what I do about it. But do let me know if you want to receive it. Here is a form that you may use.

Without further ado, rants for the day…

A. Work
So work is going ok. In 3 short months since I started (and 15 long months since I quit my last full-time job), I’ve seen ups and downs already. I have won clients, lost clients, clients have disappeared, someone has taken money and not delivered and everything in between has happened. I’ve been lucky and I’ve been unlucky and nowhere else has “this too shall pass” been so accurate!

I am actually making decent money (though I need to make a lot more and I define decent as being able to pay for expenses at home and yet having something in the bank) and doing some ok work. Need to upgrade what I do and make more more than decent. Of course its tough.

Decent is happening because am juggling two things and it’s not easy. No, I am not saying this because I want this to be glamourous about what I do. But because I love both things. I can’t choose one over another. Call it lack of focus but I can’t. One is live experiences (events, travel, adrenaline rush) and Two is communication (brands, behavioural science, communities, platforms, social, networks, people and such). I wish there was a way to marry the two.

To do more than decent, I will have to put more than decent effort.

Anyhow. The point is not work. The point is that I am now seeing my limitations as an individual and as a professional. I’ve always taken pride in being the supercool and super-great guy who can do everything but now I am realising that I am not as cool as I think I am. Lemme give an example.

I have realised that I am super good (may be even great) with getting things done. I am a great manager and I can deliver. But I suck at ideas. And I suck so bad that I can’t crack new clients if I dont take external help. Funny because I believe that no one wants brilliance with ideas – they rather want predictability in delivery. But then to be able to get the client on your side, you need to show your prowess with ideas. And I suck at it. It’s almost like a vicious circle. Almost. But it is.

I spoke of this problem to friends and mentors. I was told to hire talent. But who would want to work for a nameless, directionless dude like me? I haven’t won any awards, I have no portfolio to show (which clients are also surprised about – after all I’ve been a pony all my life and haven’t done any award winning work), I have no contacts in the industry, I dont inspire people. I can’t mentor. I can’t teach. I dont offer any reason to anyone to work with me. Unless they are desperate. Or delusional. And no, I cant pay. No I am not whining – just putting facts on paper.

So what is the way out? I dont know! Do you? Help me!

The other example of my limitation is the constant struggle to grow. Thing is, all my life, I’ve worked with agencies with deep pockets (CLA had a rich client when they started, Gravity had years of experience and SWL was profit making). I’ve always had a structure to support me. I was not responsible for paying salaries. This time, there is nothing except the thin air beneath my feet. So that sucks.

There are more things I can talk about that talk about my limitations but guess you get the point. I am not as cool as I think I am. And I need to accept it.

I shall at some point write a longer post about about and my operational issues (BD, Hiring, Delivery etc) and strategic issues (Why am I doing this? What is my objective? What is the big picture? The purpose etc). Some day!

B. Yoga
I restarted Yoga with Shameem. And like last time, shes ensuring that I dont aggravate my hernia. It’s been 5 classes and I know that my body has deteriorated so much in the last year. And more importantly, just like work, Yoga is making me aware of my limitations (the physical / mental / emotional ones).

And it’s humbling to see an old man do asanas with ease and grace while you struggle to even get into the formation. Simple thing like touching the toes without bending the knees seems like a task (and there was a time when I could do it as if I did not have a spine). But I shall get back to shape. I like being active and I need to get back.

So I hope I continue going to her. I know that these are tiny steps towards reaching my #lifeGoals of running a marathon and climbing the Everest. And may be other goals as well!

C. Kindness of strangers
The most recent fan mail for #tnks came from a 70-year old man, a retired banker, from Telangana. He used the kindest words ever and I was so touched, so thrilled that I wanted to get the second book out that day itself. Of course the book is long way from completion but I do aim for a end-year release. Thank you Sir for writing in. Hope I dont disappoint you with Book2.

Then, Rana Sir gave me another advance yesterday. I will use his advance to work on the next book and get the Hindi edition of #tnks out.

Then, last week two people (unrelated to each other) sent me two separate “feelers” about trying to put some sense into me.

First, this lady read the blog and without knowing me personally took pains to write to me to tell me about specific things that she has inferred from the blog. She thinks I whine a lot and I am concerned about my fitness. She may be right about fitness but I sincerely think that I dont whine as much. I could be wrong – lets see. What do you think?

And if I do come across as a cry baby, I need to send out better vibes. I can’t change my situations but I can change the way I look at them (glass half-full). So, thank you N. Hope you see a measurable change in how I write and the vibes I send out. Hope you continue to read. And I will summit the Everest.

The other person sent a longish whatsapp message. Again telling me of things that I need to improve on. I am on it. Thank you A.

D. Travel Book
A new project. I have decided that I will start work on the travel book. With Vivek. He is my travel partner (apart from R & gang and sgMS) and in one of the random WhatsApp conversations it popped up that we ought to do a travel blog together. And here I am. I’ve added it to the list of things to be done in this year. Lets see when we get around to doing it. I suck at travel writing and I know I need to improve on it. It can only happen with practise. I did write one (on Udvada) and I will write more as I start going out to travel. If… if only he finds time to meet me.

So that’s all I have for the day. But before I disappear again, here is a pic that I took at a Starbucks. *drops hint at Vivek*

Over n out!

P.S.: I will try to make the next post soon! Do fill in the form at the top of this page.

Long time…

So the last post on this blog was on Mar 25. And today its Apr 17. Been some 20 days since I’ve written something. Wow. This has to be amongst the longest dry stretches of inactivity as a writer.

Universe has funny ways of sending signals. I haven’t written anything in a while (almost 20 days I think – last post was on Mar 25 and today is Apr 17) and just when I was getting comfortable about the idea of NOT writing, someone sent a great review of #tnks. And another mini-crush asked me to write – apparently she loves how I write.

So maybe, I ought to write. While book2 is a longer plan, today is as good an opportunity I would get to write as any other day, so here I am. On one of my freewriting things.

P.S.: Freewriting is where I just pour out whatever is in my head, without worrying about the output or quality. And anyhow I have always been about quantity and not quality – I assume that if I continue to write for years (been 12 already), someday I will become a good writer. Remember the infinite monkey theorem – just that my time is very very limited.

Let me think about a few reasons why I couldn’t write the last few days weeks months.

I can think of two things only. A, work. B, sgMS.

Let me take up work bit in a bit and tackle the issue of sgMS. If you know me, you’d know about her. And trust me she is the most beautiful thing to have happened to me. This ladies and gents is the last time I am talking about her on a public platform (apart from tweets on @altSG, book2 and the secret book I am writing for her – as and when I get time to work on it). I know this love obsession(?) is not healthy. I know that even though she’s been sent for me, she doesn’t want me around. So thinking about her, even in my head is not being on the right side of karma. It tilts the balance. And as I grow older, everything IS about tilting balance. So I have to stop doing that. I have to let go of her (as if I had her in the first place – wishful thinking Mr. Garg). I have to move on. Let me attempt to do so umpteenth time.

Dear sgMS, I love you and will hopefully continue to do so for the rest of my life. If you want me back, I will be waiting. Of course if you need something, I am a phone call away!

Moving on. To work.

Life has been REALLY kind and I can’t emphasize more on “really.” Compared year-on-year I’ve done 3x better. This year was the first time in my life when I made 7 figures in a year by myself. So, hopefully, the first million is not far.

Of course I have been extremely lucky with things. I know for a fact that I am not the best at what I do but I know that I am willing to work harder than anyone else. And that I think has paid. Coupled with luck of course.

However, while the money has happened, impact hasn’t. And more I think, more I realize that I want to be able to impact things. Not at a small level but at the world-changing level. Am I wired for that? I dont know. But I want to do it. I dont know the how but I will.  More on this in a bit.

On the work front, I created a new business (I consult clients on digital marketing and brand planning) and I got lucky with a few clients to help me get it off the ground. And I got support from few people who put their faith in me. More about it is at sowhatif.in. The website is still under development. I ought to thank them there. Apart from the regular people angels that have helped me over life (ghar ki murgi daal barabar) thank you Rishi, Shail Sir and team, Mahesh Sir, Sonam, Anju, Simit, Stylior team.

The other big thing with work is that I am setting up an events agency with a partner. I’ve been working for him for close to an year and he has shown faith in me and given me confidence to start something with him as a partner. And I am very excited. Details are sketchy to be honest right now and I will talk about it as I go along. But its events (something I love), backed with experience (of the new partner) and the general feel good about how things are going with me. Hope it does well. I aim to do 10 cr in the next three years. Wish me luck. Please.

So, apart from work, I have been thinking a lot about other things. I dont really have any clear ideas or directions but I think I know where I want to go. I love it when I can help someone (what did Freud say about people who like to help others? anyone?). And when I create impact (though my “impact” has been pretty limited but I would want it to grow). So may be, my life goal, my purpose is to do that. I dont know the why but I know the what for sure. More on this as I go along. And yes, this is like the 1232324th purpose that I have identified for myself. And no, this is not about creating a NGO.

I’ve also been getting some health scares. The hernia has started to hurt back. I get palpitations around my chest multiple times a day. At my age, heart is the single most important organ and I have to go see a doc but I dont have the time. Or may be I am too scared? I anyway dont like hospitals – I dont have a single happy memory of hospitals. May be this week? Lets see.

Let me sum the other insignificant things in one para. I restarted yoga. And then stopped again after one class. Hope to be regular from Tuesday onwards. I practise with Shameem and she is amazing! I stopped being a teetotaler. On insistence of friends, I started experimenting with beer. And no, I dont like the feeling. I dont want to. So I am going to go back to being a teetotaler again. I remain committed to climbing the Everest by 2025 and run a marathon before that. Here is a list of my life goals. Its good to revisit the list once in a while. It tells you that you are not cool enough and you ought to push yourself.

Another thing that has happened in the past 20 days is that I’ve got hooked onto Netflix. I have been netflix and chilling with self lately and it’s not that bad to be with self. Of course I enjoy company and I love people and all that. However I suck at meeting new people and hence I dont really have an opportunity to break the netflix addiction. I am going to work on it as I go along, here on.

So, yeah this is about it. When I look back at this post, 20 days seem to mean little. Life is like that. I just passed by. Ought to live it up. Enrich every minute, moment and live it to the fullest. I am glad that I have had the opportunity to attempt that. And I am trying to.

Lets see what the next post is about. And more importantly, when that happens!

The Delhi Dislocation

So I am in Delhi. Been here for almost three days and haven’t stepped out of the house since. I merely ate, slept, crapped and Netflix and chilled with self. I did take a few work calls but I kept those to minimum. And as a result all the work that I had to do has piled up the way cars stall on a highway after an accident. And because I can see work piled up like a long line of cars stuck on the highway, I dont want to work at all. Am stuck in that vicious circle. And I dont know the way out. 


Anyhow, today I’d had enough of home and I had to step out. The nearest Starbucks — the place where you can sit for hours and work — is about 20 KMs away from my place. And though I hate going too far away from home for work, I had no other option. 


Fat forward. I am parked at the Starbucks CP. And I am trying to fix things. And how do I fix things? By writing. The other thing that I typically do to fix things is go for a drive. But then I dont have a vehicle and I am tired of begging from friends. And I can’t afford all those self-drive cars. Like they say, #FML. Let me not crib and do the other thing that I dont have to borrow for – write! 

So I am in Delhi and unlike other trips to Delhi, this time I haven’t called anyone (called = made an attempt to meet friends et al). I want to be with myself and fix shit in my head. The ones I am meeting are the ones that can’t wait – perils of being self-employed.

Thing is, last few months have been crazy (not work wise but emotions wise) and I needed a break from the madness. One option was to take off to an unknown land and meet strangers. I could even go to a familiar place like Panchgani or Goa or something. But then I looked at my bank balance and decided not to. Thus the only place that I could escape to, without spending too much, was Delhi.

However, little did I know that Delhi no longer gives me the peace, the sukoon that I craved for.

I’ve always known in my head and heart that I may live anywhere in the world, I will always remain a Delhi Boy. And and East Delhi Boy at that. For things like bhai, feel, bhasad, jugaad et al define me. I am as unpolished as they come – I like to wear socks and chappals, I like to scratch my arms and head at public places, I like lounging on a chair, rather than sitting with my back straight. I am loud. I am a showoff. I like attention. I am embodiment of everything that a Mumbai girl (aka sgMS) hates. And no, I am not apologetic about it. I am proud of my roots. I dont have any deep cultural ties to any religion or a location, except Delhi. Delhi is me, I am Delhi.

I knew I could count on Delhi. Anytime. Everytime I needed a break, I could scoot away to Delhi, meet old friends, get in a car, blare the car music system at are you crazy levels, drive fast, get into petty arguments and yet find the peace of mind. I could go for walks with locals, go to far away malls with friends, even hop to Gurgaon when I wanted to feel good about how I dont do the Delhi-Gurgaon grind anymore.

There was no ailment that a trip to Delhi could not fix. Even the craving for sgMS is a tad less when I know that I am not in a 20 KM radius of her.

However, this trip I realised that in the last few years, between all the Delhi – Mumbai trips I’ve severed my ties with Delhi (the bonds with Mumbai are shaky at best). The friends are still around, things are still the same, there is that familiarity with the place but I no longer get peace here. I am as restless as I am in Mumbai. I continue to get those cravings to search for that promised land where weather is perfect, things are the way I want, and I have a life of abundance.

Couple this with my permanent bone against the Bandra house.

Thing is, I am finally rootless. I dont know where to go, where to sleep, where to go to find peace. I am lost. And I dont know where is home. And I dont know what to do about it.

May be home is between soft, white, cold sheets of a hotel where the AC is always at a perfect 22 degrees. I love the feeling of being in perpetual motion. I love airports more than I love home. In fact, when I worked for Gravity, the best bit was all the airports and hotel rooms that I was supposed to live out of. I loved the muted opulence and pseudo-luxury. I loved the distance that the staff maintained while I was there. I liked how at a press of a button, things magically appear. May be, next time I need a break, I’d book myself into a 5-star and switch off my phone! May be. I shall try next time.

P.S.: Of course I need money to be able to afford a lifestyle like that. And by God, I will.